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GULLIVER'S
How Col. Oulli vr ud Hb Wife
I
Copyrlnht. 19OT. by George Ade In United
" States end Great Britain.)
kNCE there was a great man
U
named Gulliver. lie lived
in a Congressional District bound-
C(l on the north by the Fine
Woods, on the west by the Corn
Belt, on the south by Chin Whis
kers and on the east by the great
Unsalted Seas of our Imperial Do-
main.
He had a wife whose father laid
out the first railroad through.
Winnebago County.
When Gulliver and his . wife
were in one end of their Native
Burg the other endf would tip up
a little. N
Gulliver told every other man in
town where to head in and get off
and what to .do next.
ITe was a Colonel on the Gov-
crnor's staff and the Official Pho
tographer had taken many a shot
at him. Also president of the
Local Club and the owner of a
registered Trotting Horse with
Toe Weights and Blinders. . .
Occasionally Mr. and Mrs. Gul-
liver would pull off a very classy
Function up at the Red Brick
Mansion. The House had a Man-
sard Roof and a Porte Cochere.
althoush very few used it and no
one tried to pronounce it,
Every time they Received, the
Young Lady with Pencils in her
Hair who did Society Happenings
for the Daily Rocket would take
a hypodermic of Hot Mush and
then write about Two Columns.
She knew what the Bon - Ton
were going to wear before the
Basting Threads had been pulled
and say! she could write about
plain Smilax until you would want
to put Oil and Vinegar on it and
eat it as a Salad
The Gullivers had a Tureen in
the front Hallway, . and anyone
whose Card had not been deposit
ed in that sacred Receptacle did
not belong iu the Swim any more
than a Rabbit.
The Gullivers were certainly
Loud Noise in their own State
Even the most prominent Families
that had built on the new Avenue
leading out past the Cemetery to
the Pair Grounds did not come
above the shoe tops of the Gulli
vers.
Mr. Gulliver lost a good deal of
Sleep because She who must be
obeyed kept nudging him in the
Back and talking about "Washing
ton. She wanted to move into
larger Field, scf tkat she could
throw herself. She was g-ettincf
too Speedy for a half-raile Track
So he began lining up the Lull
puts and organizing a Machine,
He carried a few Precinct Com-
mitteemen in his Vest Pocket. Any
time the President of a Ward
Club wanted to bold a confab
with the great Gulliver he wou,d
borrow a stepladder and climb up
Z
'
TRAVELS
Stacked Up im'Vmriou LocmliHee.
"
n : -
and get on the knee of the Man
Mountain. If the jatter would pat
him on the head and slip hira a
Jolly he would swell up like a
Breakfast Fopover.
Even the County Chairmen nd
the Postmasters and the State
Assemblymen were pretty Small
Fry when they lined up alongside
of the big Battle Ship. ."
When you pause to consider
that he wore a Frock Coat on week
days and had a Bank Roll that a
Horse couldn't jump over and
controlled the Trolley System and
could get Passes oii almost any
Trunk Line, you will understand
why the ordinary Midget toiling
along at so much per Month had
to lean back and look up at the
mighty Gulliver. '.
Mrs. Gulliver was a kind of so
cial Pike's. Peak to the .common
or garden varietv of Married
Woman who made her own
Clothes and was trying to scale
down the Store Bills in order to
buy a Phaeton.
Any time that she got a Bid to
go up to the Palatial Hoftie of the
Gullivers and play Progressive
Cinch she would begin working on
her Hair at 10 A. M.
. When Sirs. Gulliver read a
Paper on the True Significance of
Pre-Raphaelitism before the
Thursday Afternoon Research
Club she would gaze clown from
Serene Heights upon the little
cluster of palpitating Ladies gath
ered about the Ruffles on her
Skirt.
The Gullivers were like two
California Redwoods arising from
the Shrubbery ; . like two Sky
Scrapers loomin? unexpectedly in
some modest "Village; like two
American Eagles perched majesti-
7
cally upon a Bough with a flock
of Peewees.
They felt their own Size and
importance, and one can under
stand -'why they hankered for a
wider Sphere of. Influence and the
companionship " of. large, free
Souls, far from the .hampering
provincialism of a one-horse Jay
Town. .
, So Gulliver ran for Congress,
with Mrs. Gulliver close behind
him, prodding him along with a
Hat Pin; ' '-
"".She 'didn't know more thana
Tablespoonful about taking ' the
Tariff off of Filipino Products,
and she id'not care three whoops
whether the .Navywas increased
or taken in- at the back,, but she
had a large Photo Engraving of
Herself out oh the . floor of the
Ball. Room, two-stepping; with' the
Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court.; ;. ' . : '
fly slathering two bushels" of
Golden Ducats and waving the
Starry Banner" until his" ?Arms
gave out, Gulliver was elected to
represent the 'Steenth District in
the Halls of Congress, and he felt
about the same as King Edward
did the day after the Coronation.
As he and the Lady with the
Prompt Book rode toward the
Rising Sun they wondered if they
would be able to dodge the Re
porters.
Having arrived in Washington,
Xhey recognized the large Struc
ture with the Dewflieker on top
of it as the Arena in which Gulli
ver wag to do his ground and lofty
flipflaps. They hired a Guide in
Uniform to lead them around anr?
put them wise to the general Lay
Out. 1
Mr. Gulliver discovered that he
had teen assigned to a cute little
Desk about the eize of those used
in the Second Reader Department
of a Public School. As nearly as
he could estimate, there were 4000
of these Iesks, all facing a, tall
I IF- Y J:"."1 I
1
J
L-r
Throne, occasionally occupied by
ah Old Gentleman about 16 feet
high. ' .
; :Mr. Gulliver could tell the dif
ference between a Congressman
and a Page almost immediately,
because Pages were smooth-faced.
The Government had provided
him with a" Pad of Paper and a
No. 2 Pencil, so that he could em
ploy himself in making Pictures
while waiting for the Speaker to
discover that he had arrived in the
City. .
Mr. and Mrs. Gulliver were
wandering through the Corridors.
little .surprised at not meeting
some one they knew, when sud
denly the great Ruilding trembled !
and they were aware of the im
mediate presence of a most colos
sal and awe-inspiring Giant. He
seemed to fill out the available
space in all directions. He bore
down upon them and they "backed
against the. Wall to escape being
walked upon and annihilated.
As he passed they looked tip at
the Massive Countenance, which
bore an Expression of
thoughtful- Melancholy.
stern and
They saw
the heaving Chest and
measured
enormous
with bulging eyes the
rotaturc of the Strange Being, the
terrific upward sweep of gleaming
forehead and the voluminous folds
of the Toga, which was large
enough for a Tent.
What is it?" asked Mrs. Gulli-
ver, in a choking whisper.
"That is a Senator," replied
the Guide.
"He came very near stepping
on me," said Mr. Gulliver.
"Couldn't he see' me?"
"A Senator cannot see a Con
gressman until the Congressman
has been here long enough to
swing a Committee by the Tail,"
was the reply.
"I had better get out of here,"
said Representative Gulliver. "T
never felt so puny and helpless in
all my life."
"Wait until you get used to
them and they won 't look quite so
Big," said the Guide. "In the
meantime, when you see one of
them coming you had better run
and hide Behind a Waste Basket."
"Oh,' look who's here ? "sudden
ly exclaimed Mrs. Gulliver, point-
Her . husband looked, and saw
another huge Mortal with gray
Side "Whiskers approaching from
the Avenue while dozens of De
partment Clerks and ' $6 Excur-
sibnists hurried to get out of his
way. - '
He was at least 22 feet tall and
the average Government Employe
eould not have crawled over his
Instep. ' ' -
"Let us get back to the tall and
uncut," said Mrs. Gulliver, who
was pale and flustered. "We
don't seem to size up in the kind
of Company that we have struck
here." :
Just thon the Congressman' felt.
some one scratching him ort . thej
Shin and he looked down and be-
. - i
held one of, his Constats, who
wished to be rewarded for his
lifelong Labors with a dandy $900
Consulate somewhere in Asia.
Immediately the Congressman
put his Hand in the Bosom of his
Frock Coat and. resumed his Rela
tive Importance.
He told the humble Torch Bear
er to be of Good Cheer, as he ex
pected to see the President unless
the President saw him first.
Back at the Ilotel, where tre
Gullivers were paying eight Buck;
per dav for a cozy Room com
manding an' excellent View of the
Ventilating Apparatus, the amb
tious Couple' put their Heads to-
gether and decided that they were
trying to sit into a fairly High
Game.
The Income had looked like all
the Money in the "World when
they had it out West, and certain-
y it had enabled, them to mow a
wide Swath. But when they
looked at it here in the Million
aire Colony it consisted of one
White Bean.
However, they .were not Quit
ters. Thev decided to fuss around
and see if they could not attract
the attention of the Big Guns. .
By carefully pulling the Wires,
the Hon. Gulliver had himself
named as a Member of the Com
mittee on Extinct Fish of North
America.
And whenever there was Open
House at the-Executive Mansion,
Mrs. Gulliver found that she was
just as welcome as anybody else.
It was hard lines, though, for
a natural born Orator to-sit there
week after week, gradually for
getting what his own Voice sound
ed like.
And Mrs. Gulliver, who always
had marched at the head of the
Procession with a Bass Drum was
not much stuck on standing at the
tail end of the Line, waiting for
her Number to be called.
Occasionally they would break
into some real Doings, but they
were overshadowed by the Brob
dingnags or High Guys of the Of
ficial Circle and the Diplomatic
Corps.
It is a great privilege to move in
Real Society, but one docs not
like to dodge restlessly about be
tween the Iegs of Cabinet Officers
and other mastodonic Celebrities
Mrs. Gulliver had been gazed
at through the Lorgnettes until
she felt like the original female
Wampus, whatever that is.
She wanted the Congressman to
loosen up and buy a House, where
she could really Knjertain, and
also advised him to get into the
Senate, so that she could put her
daintv French Heel on the Necks
of those who had kept her el
bowed into a Corner.
The Gullivers went home at last
somewhat disfigured, but ready to
step up at the -next- call of Time.
They had seen the Big Show
by peeking under the Canvas, and
they were determined to beat the
Game and land in among the
Whales if it took a lifetime.
They certainly had learned a lot
during their sojourn at our Na
tion's Capital.
Back among the Lilliputs they.
showed up bigger than ever. Gul
iver had the nerve to wenr Spats.
Mrs. Gulliver showed the Ladies
of the Congregation how to play
Bridge for real Money. Also it
was commonly reported through
out the District that they served
iquor right at the Table.
Gulliver was so high up in tha
Air that he could not hear the
Murmur of Discontent down
around his Ankles.
He knew that he could pick up
a. . . -r
any one or tne LUiiputa ana
scrunch him between the Thumb
and Forefinger,
But he did not recall what hap
pened to the original Gulliver
when all of the tiny Beings got
together and arranged to put him
out of Business.
Every time he had landed a Job'
for one of the "Little Fellows ho
had been compelled to turn downi
twenty others, whereupon each of
the twenty became a Knocker and
began to sharpen his Harpoon.
Also there was an undercurrent
of Sentiment to the effect that the
Gullivers were putting on too
much Dog since living in "Wash
ington, and did not soem to have
that old-time yearning Affection-
for their yappy Neighbors.
And so, one Morning, when
Gulliver awoke after a rosy
Dream, in which he made several
Speeches in the Senate and was
being mentioned in the Newspa
pers as a Probable Candidate, and
tried to turn over, he found that
he was tied hand and foot, staked
down, bound and helpless.
The host of Political Mites had
combined against him. A gang of
Ward-Workers and Precinct Cap
tains squatted on his Chest and
gave him the Laugh.
"What is more, they would not
let him up until he promised to
behave and allow them to name a
new Boss.
Thus ended the adventures of,
the second Gulliver,
He continued to live among the
Lilliputs and he was always a Big
Man, but never quite as big aa be
fore they sneaked up on him and
showed him how to take a Joke.
l ing through the window.
, I !
T 1