THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND. JANUARY 12. 10V.,
40
ilo ilD QILI i
I raymimber Anclhrew Jacbson &9 th' man that licked tV '
British at Noo Orleans be thro win cotton bales at thim, but -
Hogan raymimbers Him as tti' man ti cuwcni B?eu -an-
bad a. wife who smoked a corncob pipe.
if Um Oayzar was alive today he'd be doin' a locistep. '
down in Joliet. ...
f
They niver leave th' ladles out IV tneSe stonGS IV th', gMCflt.
A woman, that marries a janius has a fine chance iv her false
hair keomin' more immortal than Ills greatest deed.
(Copyright 1907 by H. ft McClure &
Co.)
ffclWELL, sir," said Mr. Doo-
W Icy, 4 'llogan has been in
here this afternoon an' I've heerd
more scandal talked ttiin I iver
thought was in th wurruid."
' 'HVgaU ha3 hetther keep
nniet," said M- Hennessy. "If
he goes eirculatin anny stories
about me I'll "
Ye needn t worry, said Ir
"We didn't condisind to
talk about annywan iv ye'er infee-
ryor station, if ye want to be t&'
subjiclc iv our scandalous discoorse
"ve'd hetther go out an make a
repytation. No. sir, our talk was
entirely about th gr-reat an ii-
MEGIN8 TO SEARCH THE
lusthrecs an' it ran all th' way
fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulyss S.
lirant.
"Dear, oh, dear, but tbey were
th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord no-
Wlyhowa about me. Thank th'
' Ixrd I had th ' prood sixise to retire
fr'm pollyticks whin me repyta
tion bad spread as far as Halsted
sthreet. If I'd let it go a block
farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th'
rest i V me life n some years
afther me death.
"I wanted to he famous Jn thim
days, whin I was young;' an fool-
irVi. 'Twas th' dhream iv me life
to have people say s I wint by J
There goes Doolev? th gr-reatest
statesman iv his ace, and have
thim name babies, sthreets,
schools, eanal-boats an' five-tint
seecjars afther me, an whin I died
to have it rut m th' books that 'at
this critical peeryod in th histhry
i v America there was need iv a
man who combined strenth iv
charackter with love iv conn-
thry. Such a man was found in
Martin Dooley, a prominent re
tail liquor dealer in , Ar-rchey
road. That's what I wanted an'
1 'in glad I didn't get me wish.
If I had 'tis little attention to me
ebaraekter that th' books iv what
Hogan calls bi-ography wud pay
but a good deal to me debts
Though they mentioned, th' fact
that I risked death f'r me
adopted fatherland, they'd make
th' more inthrestin story about
th' time I almost met it be fallin'
down stairs while running away
fr'm a polisraan. F'r wan page
they'd print about me love iv
counthry they'd print fifty about
me love iv booze.
"Th' things - thim gr-reat men
done wud giYcttrim a place in
Byrnes' book. If Julius Cayzar
was alive today he'd be doin a
loehstop down in Joliet. He was
a corner loafer in his youth an' a
robber in bia old age, He busted
into churches, fooled around .with
other men's wives, curled his Hair
with a poker an' smelled ivpar
fumery like a Saturday niglit car,
An' his wife was a, Buspicyous
character an' lie turned her
away. Napolyon Bonypart, im-
pror iy tlT Fr-rinchj was far too
gay even f'r thim friv'lous people
an'. had fits. His first wife was no
betther thin she stuid be an' bis
second wife didn't care f r him.
"WiUuta Shakespere is well-known
as an author iv plays that no wan
can play, but he was betther
known as a two-handed dhrinker,
a bad actor, an. a thief. His wife
was a common scold, an' led him
u i. j j
It ii Jilt" ii t. utrsarvcu.
"They niver leave th ladies out
BCER.4 DRAWERS.
iy these stories Jy th' gr-reat. a
woman that marries a janius has
a fine chance iv her false hair be-
comin'' more immortal thin his
frr-reatest deed-It don't make anny
diffrence all s&e knew about
her marital hero was that he was
a consistent feeder, a sleepy hus-
band and an indulgent father to
his childher an sometimes to him-
sell an' that 6he had to darn hia
socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men
had something th ' matter with
their wives. I always thought
Mrs. W ash 'nton who was th wife
iy th' father iy our countary,
though childless hersilf, was about
right. She looks good in th
pitchers with a.6n&vl arflunll hi
neck an a frilled nightcap on her
TO HAVE FEOPUt BAT AM X
head. But Hogan says she had a
tongue sharper than .George's
sword, she insulted all his frinds.
she was much vldher thin him
an she liked food that they cud-
(len't beep anny longer in th ice
box. As f'r George, he was a
case. I "wish th counthry had got
Itsilf a different father. A gr-reat
moral rellijous counthry like this
desaryes a betther parent.
"They were all alike. I think
iv Bobby Burns as . a man that
wrote good songs, even if they
were in a bar 'broua accint, hut
HOgan thinks iy him as bavin' a
load all th' time an' bein' th'
scandal iv his parish- T raymimber
indhrew Jackson as th' nian that
licked th British at Noo Orleans
be hrowin' cotton bales at thim
but Hogan raymimbers him as a
man that cudden't spell an had a
wife who smoked a corncob pipe
I raymimber Lincoln f'r f reein
tlT SlayeSj but Hogan rajoninbers
how he used, to cut loose yarns
that made th bartinder shake th
fetorft kiirifif thin it needed. I
raymimber Grant f'r what he done
BTt 'THKHB OOB9 DOOLET."
Ml. DMLZT. BT IABXT MTXPIT.
ar-rottnd Shiloh whin he was
young, but Hogan ' raymimbers
him f'r what he done around New
York whin he was old.
"And so it goes. Whin a lad
with nawthin' else to do starts out
to write a bi-ography about a
gr-reat man he don't go to the
War Department Or th' puhlic
libry. - No, sir; he begins to search
th' bureau dhrawers, old pigeon-
holes, th' records iv th' polis coort
an th recollections iv th hired
1. TT VI ... I .lit... it.'-'
girl, ne lines letters Deiiaer miu
annything else. ' ' He don't care
much f'r th' Kind fcegramn;
'Dear, Wife, I'm settin in front iv
th.- camp fire wearin h flannel
chest protector ye made me an'
dhreanin iv ye.' .but if he can find
wan beginnm!;:; "Little bright
Eyes, ' th ' old woman has gone to
th counthry, he's th happiest bi
ographer ye cud see in a month's
thravel. -
; "Hogan had wan iytiim bwfa
in here th' other day. 'Twas writ.
ten be a f rind, so ye can see it
wasn t prejudiced wan way or an
other. 'At this time,' says th
boot 'an iTint Happenea thatag
destined to change th whole
coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day
while in a sthreet car where h6
lay dozin fr'm dhrink, he awoke
to see & "beautiful woman thryin'
to find a nickel in a powder-puff.
Th brutal conductor towered over
her, an' it was more thin the Gin'-
rl cud bear. Jtisin" to his . feet
with an oatn he pulled th' rope ir
th' fare register an' fell off th
car. Th incident made a deep
Impression on th' Oin'ral. I have
no doubt he often thought iv his
beautiful Madonna iy th' throlly
although he niver' said so. But
wan night as he staggered out iv
th' dining-room at th' German
Ambassadure 's, where he had cou-
sumed his custom 'ry four bottles
iv brandy, who shnd he run acrost
but th' fair vision iv th'' surface
line. She curtsied low an' picked
him up, an there began a f rind-
ship so full iv sorrow. an' happi
ness to both iv them. . He seldom
mintioned her, but wan night he
was heard to mutter t 'Her face
is lilce wan iv Rembrant's saints.
A few." historians contind that
what he said, was: 'Her face
looks like a remnant sale, ; but I
eannot believe this. They ex
changed brilliant letters for many
years, in fact, ontil th' enchantress
was locKed up, I haYe vox been
able to find anny iv his letters, but
her's fell into th hands iv wan
iv his faithful servants, who pre-
served an published thim. (Love
an' Letters i Gin'ral Thread-
naught an' Alfaretta Agonized;
Stolen, Collected an Edited by
James Snodgrass.) 1 1 1 Next
year was mim'rble f'r his glory ous
victory at runKheim, ail th' more
wondherful because at th time
our hero was suffering fr'm deleer
It shows th' forti-
yum thremens.
tude iv th ' Gin ral an that he
WAS 85 gr-reat a liar as i have
indicated in th' precedin' pages.
that, with th cheers iv his sojers
rWln' In his ears an' pink mon
keys dancin bef nre his eyes, he
CUd Still write home to his yrife:
Ol' girl, I can't find annything
fit to dhxink down here. Can't
Ind me some eider fr'm th'
ye sin
farm ?
i T - In eighteen gix-
tJflTe He Tras act'usea 91 embezzle
merit, but th charges niver
reached hie ears or the public s
BOOAV 1HI.1 HTM AS HATW A T.OAO ALL THK TIM P.-
until eight years after his death. 1
In sixty-siven his foster
brother that he had neglected In
Kannag Oity slipped on his ball- 1
room flure an' troKe leg.
In sivinty his wife died, afther
torturin him f'r fifty years. They
were a singularly badly-mated
couple with a fam 'ly iv fourteen
childher, but he did not lire lung
to enjoy his happiness. F'r some
reason he niver left his home but
passed away within a month, one
iv - th" gr-reateat men th cinchry
has projo'oced. F'r further details
iv th' wrong things he done, see
th' notes at th' end iv th volume.'
"It seems to me, Hinnissy, that
this here thing called bi-ography
is a kind iv an offset f'r histhry.
Histhry lies on wan aide, an bi-
OSrraDhy comes along an' makes it
0 J V
rowl over an' lie on th' other side.
Hisiitry says a in fi.il is nearly a
Gawd; hi-ography says lie's on'y
a poor kind i v a man. Th Ti :
toryan savs, go "up ; th' bi-ograph-
'
SVtXVS CAESAR AT JOUET.
er says, come down among us. I
don't believe ayether iv thim.
"I was talkin with Father
Kelly about It afther Hogan wint
out. Were they all so bad, thim
men that I've been brought up to
think so gloryous T says I. They
were men,' says Father Kelly. 4Ye
musn't believe all ye hear fttoui
thim, no matther who says it, says
he. 'It's a thraitiv human nature
bo pull down th gr-reat an
sthrong. Th' hero sthruts through
histhry with nls chin 'up in tV air,
his scipter in his hand an ' his
erown on his head. But behind
him dances a boot-black imitatin'
llig walk, an" makin' faces at him.
Fame invites a m an out i v his
house to be crowned f'r his priory-
ous deeds an' serves him with a
warrant f'r batin' his wife. Tis
not in tli nature iv tilings tk.lt
it shudden't be so. We'd all per-
i5h iy humiliation if th' gr-reat
men iv th' wurruid didn't have
nachral low-down thraits. If they
don't happen to possess them we
make some up f'r thim. We allow
no man to tower over us. wan
way or another, we level th' wur
ruid to our own height. If we
can't reach th' hero's head we
cut off his leg's- It always makes
me feel aisier about mesiif whin I
r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was.
An' it stimylates compytition- If
gr-reatness an' goodness were
hand-in-hand, 'tis small chance
anny iv us wud have iv seein' our
pitchers in th papers.
'But,' says I. 'no wan wud iver
thry to be gloryous if he knew
that he was on -v openin' j j th
way f'r a careful inquiry into bis
personal habits, says I. Ye'd
catch me leadin' an ar-rmy again
a lot iv la-ada with cannons if j$
thought that it was goln' to malia
some fellows begin to call on me
dentist to And where I bought mfl
teeth, says I. Ye d niver stop
to think says ha. 'No wan iver
does. Glory is a chance like th
Other thing. It all comes or
a a m t I a
doesn t come out in th day 8 job,
an ye can't sthop or help it- A"
no wan will talk had about ye
afther ye ar-re dead onless ye've
done something that makes people
talk good iv ye- I'd have some
th rouble gettin an aujience f'r a
etory about Hogan, but lave me
whisper r 4 Did ye hear that yarn
fltQUt Cf rover Cleveland?' an' I
i I
can go on an lie to me heart's con
tint. An bo it it that th' battles
ye win, th' pitchers ye paint th'
people ye free, th childher that
disgrace ve; th false step iv yr
youth an' th.' false tooth iv ye'er
age, all go thunderin down to iin-
mortality together. An afther all,
isn't it a good thing f Th on'y
bi-ographv I care much about is
th' one Mulligan, th stoneeeutter,
will chop out f'r me, I like lulli-
gan's style f'r he's no flatthrer,
an he has wan model iv bi-ogra- ;
phy that he uses f'r old an' yonng,
rich an' poor. Tie merely writes
something to th gin'ral effect that
th' deceased was a peach, an' lets
it go at that. Tiut if anny wan
wants to write a bi-ography iv me
an' conthribute some fun to this
weary wurruid,- let him do it, says
I. Nawthin' wud please me bet-
ther thin to know that some day
ye will think ye ar-re a betther
man thin I am. But not f'r th
prisint,' says he."
"Which -wud ye rather he, fa-
mous or rich T " asked Mr. Hen-
ncssy,
"I'd like to be famous," said
Mr. Dooley, "an' have money
enough to buy off all threatenm'
bi-ographerp-'