The Sunday Oregonian., December 23, 1906, Magazine Section, Page 45, Image 45

THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN. PORTLAND, DECEMBER 23, 1906.
45
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i- I ' A;
fcgHSj GEORGE s4D. fpa
William Tell
Threadbare Legend Fixed Up So
as to Make William Act Like a
Real Twentieth Century Hero.
(Copyright 1906, by George Ade.)
WILLIAM TELL was a great
performer on the bow and
arrow.
While he was still quite young
it was evident that he would take
Medals sooner or later, and he was
approached by many institutions
of Learning and offered his ex
penses,, but William continued to
be a Pure Amateur until he saw
some Important Money in sight.
At last he he'd the record and
his Picture was in all the barber
shop Weeklies and he had some
special cards printed and joined
the Elks. . .
About the time that he got into
his stride and was shooting close
to the 400 mark he had some trou
ble with Governor Gessler, who
was the Loud Noise inPolitics and
very Strong on account of having
control of the Meal Tickets.
William had said in an inter
view that Gessler ought to be driv
ing a truck, and the Governor
called in the reporters and said
that the big four-flush who, had
been opposing him in the Eighth
Precinct of the Fourth Swiss Can
ton was a cheap Sport and a
phoney Marksman.
This attack angered William
and his fellow members of the
Precinct Organization, who got
out among the voters and roasted
the Governor, and offered to bet
money on their man, whereupon
the Governor began talking back
in very large Sums, and, of course,
that had to lead up to a Match.
William met Gessler in a wine
room to sign the Articles, and they
used up a large amount of Talk.
William said he was the Cham
pion and would draw all the Gate
Money, and he wanted 65 per cent
of the Gross, win or lose.
Gessler remarked that William
had a yellow streak about as wide
as Pennsylvania avenue, and with
that the two eminent Apostles of
Sport tried to close in and do a lit
tle bar-room work. It took six
waiters and a cashier to- spread
them. Of course, all this got into
the Public Prints, and helped to
arouse a terrific interest in the
proposed event.
Everyone understood, of course,
that Gessler and William would
finally get together and pull off
the big Show, but not until they-.
had touched off all the prelimi
nary Press Stuff.
So William came out every day
and said that Gessler was a soiled
Deuce and a Tin-Horn and a 40
cent Make-Believe and a beetle
browed flush, and as crooked as a
dog's hind leg.
Next day, after one of these
Roasts, the celebrated Politician
and Sporting Man would come
back by saying that his money was
up and that Tell was trying to
put through a Bluff and that he
couldn't hit a Balloon if somebody
held the BallooD, and as for crook
ed work, a straight-edge run
through William's Record would
cut it in a thousand places.
The two Luminaries in the
world of Manly Sport went ahead
lambasting each other for months
and getting the fool Public so
worked ' up that it could hardly
take its regular Sleep.
The first thing every morning
the Office Boy and the Girl in the
Shirt Factory and the Lady Cash
ier in the quick-lunch rpom and
the Guy that drove the Big Wagon
for the Coal Company had to grab
the 1-cent paper with the calliope
headlines and find out what the
Great Champion had to say.
In the course of time Gessler
and William got together for an
other nice, long Quarrel.
If they had signed articles on
the Jump they would not have
been real Sports.
William pounded on the Table,
told how he was the greatest Card
in the World, and to prove that
he was ready to back his opinion
Common People would never feci
happy until the big Match was
arranged, used their best efforts
and there was a third conference.
Gessler said he was willing to take
the short end of the Agreement in
order to show up the cheap imita
tion who was claiming th Cham
pionship. So Tell was given the
low and square as a die and never
done a wrong Act in his life.
At this Mr. Gessler got up on
his hind legs and let out a Roar
that would have drowned Niagara.
He' said that he had in mind
for the position of Referee a gen
tleman of unimpeachable integ
rity, who had been operating a
the, Privilege. orSttAWNG tm By The. Rand
with the Coin he would agree to
shoot an Apple off a Boy's Head
before the Club cfferingthe larg
est Purse.
Also a side bet of any amount
up to a million, to be deposited
with some well-known Sporting
Editor also the Diamond Belt.
Gessler agreed to this Proposi
tion, but insisted that the Club
furnish the Bow and Arrow.
Whereupon TelJ denounced him as
an ordinary piece of Gorgonzola,
and once more Negotiations were
suspended.
However, some of the influen
tial Friends of the two great men,
knowing that the plain everyday
A Flock, or 3maii boya" Followed Him
privilege of using his own Bow
and Arrow. -
Then there arose a long argu
ment regarding the Boy - Toll
wanted to furnish his own Boy,
but Gessler wanted to use one
picked and furnished by the Club,
or selected by a Committee. Will
iam bucked and refused to sign
unless they gave in to him, and 'so
it was agreed he could shoot at his
own Son, although it was agreed
by many Sporting Writers that
this gave him a big advantage.
It seemed that they were about
to come to terms when Tell turned
to Gessler and asked, "How about
the Apple?"
"Let the Club furnish the Ap
ple," suggested Gessler.
The reason that Mr. Gessler
made such a bold stand for the
rights of the Club was that he
owned the controlling interest,
and was trying to think of some
way of crabbing the champion's
performance.
"I must have a Bellflower ap
ple," said Mr. Tell, very firmly. "I
have always shot at Bellflower
apples when I am in training. I
consider the Bellflower apple the
finest in the world, and what is
.more, I have been given a Dia
mond Pin by the Bellflower Com
pany and I am going to protect
them and give them a little Ad "
"I am. sorry," said Mr. Gessler,
"but I have a Friend who is agent
for the Rambo apple, which has
got the Bellflower skinned. I
promised him that we would use
the Rambo, and I can't give him
the Toss just because you want to
ring in a cheap Apple on me. I
have got to stand by my friend,
and if we don't use the Rambo ap
ple there won't be any Match,
and what T say goes. "
That started the Scrap all over
again.
They called each other names,
put on their overcoats and started
out, and then came back again and
carried on like Real Sports.
There was only one way out of
this awful Deadlock. They had
to Compromise on a Quince, to be
selected by an unbiased Commit
tee. Mr. Tell said that he would
like the privilege of selecting the
Referee. He named one of his
Friends who was the proprietor of
a combination Bar, Poolroom iand
Opium Joint.
He sad b.e wa3 a helva nice Fel-
Wheel at the County Fairs, but
would have nothing to do for' a
few weeks and could take the job.
He said that the Lobster pro
posed by Tell was a third-rate
Criminal and a box-car Vagrant,
whereupon the Champion retorted
that Mr. Gessler 's selection was a
broken-down Pan-Handler who
would willingly commit a Murder
if he saw three dollars in it.
Thus the Pleasantries went back
and forth.
Neither side would yield, and so
the only way out of the Snarl was
to take a new man for Referee. A
very prominent and influential
Sporting Character, who needed
the Money because he had just
been ruled off by the Stewards,
consented to act.
The Keeper of one of the nicest
all-night Oyster Houses in town
was named as stakeholder, and the
timekeeper was to be One-Eyed
Dickery, who had grown so stout
that he could no longer crawl
through transoms and who was in
urgent need of a Bit so that he
could buy a railroad Ticket to one
of the Southern tracks.
Then the question arose, Who
was to get the rakeup for the Pic
tures ?
Tell's Manager insisted that
Billy was entitled to at least 75
per cent, whereupon the Club Of
ficials said that he was a Wolf and
threatened to call the whole Deal
off.
As a result there was more Con
versation of the non-parlor variety
and the great eager Populace be
came sick at heart for fear that
they would never have the privi
lege of paying Ten for a seat to
see the World's Champion in ac
tion. But at last everybody Signed
and the Lithographs were all over
town, and the Scalpers were buy
ing up the Tickets, and the 12
o 'clock special came out every day
with some throbbing piece of In
formation regarding William and
what he had to say about the
Skates who were putting up
money against him.
Every time he walked ( down
the street a flock of small boys
followed him. ' If -he dropped into
a cafe, many well-known Business
Men would crowd up and seek the
Privilege of shaking him by the
hand.
He issued a Signed Statement
every day or two and his Photo
could be seen in almost any Cigar
Store.-
In the meantime the Press Agent
was holding something up his
sleeve.
He knew it would be necessary
to spring a Sensation in order to
grab off a lot of Space, and so on
the day of the Match, after Will
iam 'broke all Records for 200
yards and pulled down the Purse,
he had him make a Grand Stand
Play.
William roasted Gessler right
before the whole crowd, and tried
to get at him, but the police inter
fered and held him back.
The Public fell for it, and Will
iam got about 7000 columns of
Free Advertising.
As a looming Figure of Contem
porary Interest he made the Ordi
nary College. President or legiti
mate Shakespearean tar look like
an Incubator Baby.
He became the Idol of the Pub
lic. He wore a Fur Overcoat ai
rode in a red Bubble and loved 1
be seen in the most select restau
rants, with a Cold Quart planted
alongside of his chair.
When, he came in and gave his
Hat to the Boy, all the ordinary
Mortals in the Joint would, choke
up and nudge one another and
point at him.
He began to treat his Manager
as if the latter were an A. D. T.
boy, and he gave a celebrated Dra
matist permission to go ahead and
write a Play for him.
The Graft wa3 very strong. He
carried in a ' Chamois Bag such -Jewels
as he could not find room
for upon his person.
One Report has it that William
Tell, after he shot the apple off
the boy's head and made a great
big reputation for himself and was
the talk of all Switzerland, used
his Pull with the people to organ
ize them against the Ruling Party.
This story is not corroborated.
There is not one particle of Evi
dence to back it up, and no one
acquainted with the biographies
of real Champions will believe' a
word of it.
It is an 8-to-l shot that after
William had made himself a Head
liner and was so strong with the
Public, he went into Vaudeville at 1
$1000 a week, and also openeda
magnificent Buffet, known as
Tell's Place, with electric Lights1
in front of it.
It is not reasonable to suppose i
that he was looking for any trou-!
ble with the Big Smolje up at the
City Hall, and although the data ,
are rather scarce, we have reason
to believe that William came to an
understanding with Gessler so that
he could keep open after hours
and that they cut up the Easy
Money between them.
Also, Ave can take it for granted
that while William was getting his
in Bundles, a good many newcom
ers who iad learned to Shoot came
along and tried to challenge him,
but he gave them the Laugh and
said they were not in his Class,
and told each of them to go out
and get a Reputation.
Doubtless he continued to pull
off a Fake Act with a Dummy,
even after he got so that he could
not see an Apple more than eight
feet away. And the Boy took a
No. 2 Show into the Cheaper
Houses.
If William Tell is Fiction, as the
L Students say, why not make it
serviceable, upto-date, convinc
ing Fiction?
WtLxiAn Roasted Gessler