THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, DECE3IBER 9, 1906.
43
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Rip Van Winkle
'(Copyright, 1906, by George Ade.)
ONE WEEK after the return of
Rip Van "Winkle to his native
townJie sat in the tavern hitting
up a few schnapps with one of the
few . remaining friends of his
youth. "While he was feeling a
mite squiffy he.opened up and told
what had really happened to him
during his long absence.
. Things had certainly been com
ing soft for Rip since his sensa
tional entry along Main street. A
good many people when they first
saw" him hiding behind the mat of
whiskers thought he was a divine
healer or a comc-on who was ad
vertising some new kind of medi
cine. Later on, when it was told
around that he' had been .asleep
in the mountains, within three
miles of the Courthouse, for 20
long years, all the other town liars
pulled down the green blinds and
went out of business.
It was a hard blow to a thriving
find ambitious young city to have
the prize tank come floating back
after all these years. His rela
tives and acquaintances had to
make the best of it. They shook
hands with him and slapped him
on the back and told him how well
lie was looking, which was more
or less of a joke, because they had
hoped that he never would show
up again, and when they saw the
fringe around the trousers and the
coat torn up the back they knew
lie had come home to sponge a liv
ing in the only town that would
stand for him. They chipped in
and gave him enough money to get
a shave and a hair-cut and a serv
iceable ready-made suit. "Within
three days he felt strong enough
to get out and work the old fa
miliar circuit. All he had to do
was to wander into a buffet and
begin his yarn about meeting the
little men with the keg up in the
Catskills and how they juggled the
drinks on him and had him in the
hay for 20 years and he could al
iways find some one who would buy
Eiiwri"y'VrinimiMi iumi n I r t -!
just to keetr him going. Not
barkeep in town believed his story,
but they strung him along because
he encouraged trade and they
wanted to see Low far he would
go, and he thought he was getting
away with it.
A week had elapsed and he was
still basking in the sunlight" of
publicity and standing on the most
prominent corners so that he could
be pointed out as a celebrity.
Aleck von Kidder, who had been
a friend of his boyhood and was
now the venerab'e and respected
Alderman from the. Second "Ward,
happening to meet him in front of
the Y. .jr. C. A., suggested that
they stroll' down to the Elite Cafe
to shake the box and try to whip
saw house. "I don't like to go in
there," remarked Rip. "They
have an old tap against me and I
may get the seltzer bottle."
"It has been 20 .years sinoe you
stood them lip," said Aleck.
"Jlebbe they have forgotten all
about it."
So they went down an alley and
entered the Elite by the back door,
because Aleck, who was in politics.
"I CAN
did not wish to queer himself with
the pious element by going in from
the street.
There had been many changes
in the old taproom since Rip had
seen it, 20 years before. ' Two new
slot machines had been installed.
The picture of the welterweight
champion had been moved to the
other side of the icebox, and . a
strangely complicated device,
known as a cash register, was
backed up against the large mir
ror. But there was the same'old
line of empty Benedictine bottles
on the top shelf and the lunch was
apparently the same.
Rip got stuck for the first round,
which meant that the Alderman
had to produce, and then the two
old friends sat at a quiet side table
to talk of the happy days of yore.
"There have been many changes
in 20 years," sighed Rip. "I have
RIP VAN WINKLE
AS HE NOW APPEARS.
POSID SPECIALLY
poll tub n
PUNDERBtRa
one I c
(AT LAST IT GOT INTO THE
jjjj11 WN WIWKLEMN w "'NKEN g"
NEWSPAPERS.)
lost all track of baseball averages
and I don't dare to talk politics
because I find that the great par
ties have swapped issues. The
red-handed revolutionist has be
come the conservative leader, and
the talk that was regarded as an
archy when I did my famous dis
appearing act is now commended
as safe and sane reasoning. A few
years ago the man who had money
was admired and respected now
he seems to be regarded as a little
worse than a horsethief and not
quite as bad as a murderer.
Twenty years ago I was A bum. I
come back now to find that I am
an advanced Socialist.",
"Come off," said the Alderman.
"I admire a good piece of fiction
as well as anyone, and I will give
you credit for making your story
seem plausible, but don't try to
hand it to me. Now, just between
the two of us, tell me, on the dead
level, where have you been for the
last 20 years."' .
Rip looked behind and all
around to make sure that no one
was listening, and then he s"aid,
confidentially; "Keep this under
MAKE OUT MY FINISH," MURMURED MB.
your hat and I will put you wise to
the whole thing You remember
the night I left here and went up
into the mountains after I had
that awful scrap with my wife?
Well,' I DID meet two men carry
ing a keg of liquor. That part of
it is straight. Whenever you find
men up in a lonely part Of the
mountains cutting through the un
derbrush with a keg of corn whis
ky you can gamble on it that
they're moonshiners. I knew they
wouldn't dare refuse me a drink,
so I fell in with them and tried to
be friendly, and finally they set
'em up. They must have figured
that I was a revenue officer or
some other kind of Government
employe, first, because I couldn't
afford to wear very good clothes,
and second, because I had my gun
with me; So when they gave me
this drink they put enough knock-
out drops in it to kill a horse. I
passed away, and when I came to
they had done . the skidoo. I slept
until the next afternoon, and when
I woke up the sun was shining in
my face and I had an awful case
of bust-head. I was afraid to come
home, and I knew that I had
about played my string in this
town, so, after sitting there a
while and thinking over the situa
tion, I hit the long trail for the
West. By telling a new hard
luck story in every town that I
struck I soon cultivated my imag
ination and became more than
ever convinced that a man who
can live by conversation is foolish
to go out and work eight hours
every day. I finally landed in
Pittsburg, where I became a pro-
' J T 1 J t 1
moier ami a merger, x wuum ouu
two men competing in some line
of manufacture and would induce
them to combine two plants worth
$5000 each into a stock company
and issue $100,000 worth of stock,
and I would get half of the stock
,f or .providing the conversation.
It was a great scheme while it
lasted, but finally a man .whose
VAN WINKLE.
flow of language was a little
stronger than mine came' along
and took all of my stock compa
nies and put them into one big
company and froze me out. ,
"Well, I wandered about from
one place to another, accepting
any employment which did not
call for actual labor. Jly qualifi
cations consisted of being a . good
fellow and having a thirst that
never faltered. I was a lobbyist
and a real estate boomer and sec
retary of a campaign committee
Finally when. I had worked every
graft I could think of I decided to
come back to my native town and
Jive on my relations and old
lriends. " You may have noticed
that when a man has petered out
everywhere else he always lands
back on his kin. They can't shake
him without getting themselves
talked about. I knew that all of
my debts here had been wiped out
under the statute of limitations,
and that I could come back here
and get busy with a new genera
tion. It was a long walk, but I
finally arrived. I didn't want to
own up to my record for the last
20 years, and I knew that even a
liar of my exuberant fancy would
have hard work to fill in imagi
nary details for such a long pe
riod, so I fell back ton the old gag.
You know, when a fellow goes off
on a bat and his family have the
police looking for him, and he is
last seen in Chicago, and then
wakes up in a hotel in Providence
three weeks later, the only way
for him to square himself is to say
that he doesn't remember any
thing that happened. So I fixed
up the story about being in a
trance. With the hair and the
whiskers and the bad suit of.
clothes, I certainly looked as if I
had been curled up in the weeds
for at least 20 years." I remem
bered where I had planted the gun
because I had been too lazy to car
ry it, so I went and dug up the
rusty old barrel and landed in
here and handed the natives what
I believe to be one of the master
pieces of American fiction. You
can see for yourself what a hit
I've made. I don't have to an
swer any embairassing questions.
I have discovered the only sure
method of wiping out a long and
crooked past. I simply say that
I have been asleep for 20' years
and have been leading a blameless
life. You might not think that I
could put that kind of a story
across and make it stick, but I
have, and if my reputation keeps
on growing. I wouldn't be a bit
surprised to receive a good offer
to go on the lecture platform."
"You are certainly a wonder,"
said Alderman von Kidder. "Next
to the Interstate Commerce Com-;
mission, I have n.i doubt that your
sleep is the longest on record. I
won't tip off the truth to anyone.
You stand by me in politics and
indorse my official record and I'll
indorse, your story about the long
slep, and that will be about a
stand-off."
So of all the people in that
thriving young city. Von Kidder
was. the only on who knew for a
certainty that Rip "Vn Winkle
was a fake. The story was repeated
over and over, with increasing
wonderment. At last, it got into
the newspapers, wTith big fouKcol
umn pictures of Jlr. Van Winkle
before and after his remarkable
experience in the Catskills, with
pictures of his wife, his old home
stead, the gun, the whiskers, the
dog, etc., with a map of the Cats
kill.Jlountains and an X mark in
dicating the spot where he slept,
and then the most doubting soul
seemed to be convinced
All except one. There -had late-,
ly come to town a .young doctor
who was working hard to build
up a practice. He had no reputa
tion and it was contrary to the
ethics of his profession to adver
tise by the ordinary methods, but
he sent for a reporter and had
himself interviewed as an expert
upon the possibility of a human
being remaining in a state of coma
for a period of 20 years. In this
interview the doctor was men
tioned as a "celebrated special
ist," both his house address and
his office address being men
tioned and a two-column pictuie
ran with the story. The doctor
demonstrated that it Tvould be ab
solutely impossible for the essen
tial organs of the body to resume
their .normal . functions after a
period of suspension exceeding in
length a few weeks. He quoted
numerous authorities; he staked
his whole reputation upon the
bold assertion that Mr. Rip Van
Winkle had deceived the public
and was an impostor of the most
barefaced and shameless descrip
tion. s
After this arraignment had been
rinted the reporter came to see
Ir. Van Winkle to get his side of
the case. Jlr. Van Winkle had
gone so far that he could not af
ford to back water, and so he re
peated the whole preposterous
mess of stuff about taking the
drink and Hunting a soft place un
der the trees and lying there 20
years, at last awakening to find
the rotted gun and the skeleton of
the dog alongside.
Then the expert came back with
a letter to the editor and wanted
to know why the dog hadn't slept
too and come out all right, and he
offered to give a large sum of
money to any charitable institu
tion that might be named if Jlr.
Van Winkle would consent to lie
on a mattress in some public place
and give an exhibition nap of just
one short month in order Jo prove
his case.
As soon as' the young doctor be
gan to hammer the venerable and
respected . Jlr.- Van Winkle -and
apparently had him on the run the
public, with its unerring instinct
of contempt for a tottering idol,
joined in the general outcry. Jlr.
Van Winkle had made the great,
mistake of coming home as a hero.
He should have known that in
America no hero ever lasts. The
dear, people boost some nice old
man up on a high pedestal just so
that they can have a good fair
target at which to shy their brick
bats. x
As soon as Rip Van Winkle
was on the dowa grade and mov
ing at an accelerated speed the
newspapers joined in with enthus
iasm to do him up completely. The
editor who had printed the full
page story about his marvelous
adventure in thu mountains sent
private detectives over the ground
and proved that the small boys
of the town had gathered hickory
nuts every year on the very spot
where this hoary old humbug
claimed that he had been asleep.
When Jlr. Van Winkle was asked
to explain away the damning
proof piled up against him he took
refuge in dignified silence, and the
public, as usual, construed his si
lence into an absolute admission
of guilt.
Jlr. Van Winkle, instead of be-
''fcxJIawirl C NOTICE
jij.jjissii 1-77-1 Cj) CS. SmmS J ,
j
I BECAME
ing a petted and pampered celeb
rity, now found himself in a class
with the United States Senator
who has been written up in the
magazine. His humiliated rela
tives and close friends, who had
been glad to share with him the
first glories of his sensational re
turn, now looked around for
some good pretext for railroading
him into the remote background.
They were inclined to take a char
itable view of his case. Instead
of publicly denouncing him as a
deliberate and vicious falsifier
they agreed amtng themselves
that he was mentally unbalanced.
So they had him put away in a
private sanitarium, and sent the
young doctor and other famous
experts to peek at him through
the" bars and make notes as to his
eccentricities.
When Jlr. Van Winkle was
brought into the courtroom he
looked across at the jurybox and
saw six dignified, sad-eyed repre
sentative American business men.
"I can make out my finish,"
murmured Jlr Van Winkle.
"What chance has a beautiful I
MAY GET THJfi SELTZER BOTTLE.'
t
mythical legend of a fragment ot
sweet, poetic folklore got with that
bunch of narrow-minded commer
cial clams? Jly ticket for the nut
college is now being stamped on
the back. I can see the booby
hatch yawning for one old man
that got too gay with his talk. No
matter how successful a liar a man
may be, there is always a danger
that he will reach for a tall one
and land on his neck."
What could poor Rip Van Win
kle do? If he disowned the whole
story about sleeping in the moun
tains and told the candid truth
about his 20 ye.is of jumping
board bills, running up bad
debts and moving from town to
town, Would anyone believe him?
And 'if they did believe him, and
even if he could prove it, would
hi situation be improved? Was
it better to be a crook than a
lunatic.
He took a desperate chance and
told without rhetorical flourish
the sweet and simple story that
had so charmed the townspeople
on the day of his return. He told
of the "dark night on the mountain
pathway, of the rumbling thunder
and the vivid flashes of lightning,
of meeting the two elfish little
-f
A PROMOTER.'
strangers and how they beckoned
him to the mountain top, there in
the gathering gloom of the night,
and of the strange revels, the
stupefying draught and then
forgetf ulness ! Also of that
strange awakening in a new and
unfamiliar world, and how he had
groped his way back to the scenes
of his happy youth.
When he had concluded, the
hardware clerk, the man who
worked in the grain elevator, the
assistant Postmaster, the proprie
tor of the feed store, the owner of
the Gem Grocery and the prescrip
tion clerk from Jlclntyre's drug
store, all seated gravely iu the
jurybox, exchanged significant
winks and whispered one to an
other, " There nothing to it
he's dippy."
Next week JTr. Van Winkle,
like many another man who at
tains a skyrocket popularity,
found himself down and tmt and
forgotten. He was in a snug little
apartment at a state institution,
engaged in writing his memoirs on
the whitewashed wall with a
broken nail.
I