The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current, December 09, 1906, Magazine Section, Page 43, Image 43

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? F. P. DWTC
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Railroads Bind in Bands Iv Steel th' East an' West so Tight That
Titer Cant Kvti Squeal, and Give Employment to Thousands It
Men Like Engineers, Firemen, Lobbyists, Switchmen, Joodlcyary, Leg
lalachnres, Lab'rers an' Mimbers iv Coroners' Juries.
This Is th' On'y Countbry In the Wurrald Where a Poor Man Can't
Marry a Rich Woman.
But Tin Sttransre This Romance I've Been teelin' Ye About Turned
Out Wrong;. They Had Ivrythlna; That Ought to Make Marredse
"They Had Money," Said Mr. Hennessy. .
"That's What I Said,'' Said Mr. Dooley. "
been. It needed repairs. Wan ten
ant afther another had sold th'
chandyleers off the ceilin', th' car
pet off th' flure, th' paper off th'
wall,' th' lead pipe out iv' th'
plumbin' ontil it looked as though
it had been leased to th' Dimmy
cratic Cinthral Comity or used f 'r
a socyal party of Pittsburg mill
yonaires. "Whin th' sign iv th'
house come iv age, his father
called him to him an' says he:
"Me darlin' child,' he says, 'ye
have all th' iddyeation needed be
a nobleman iv ye'er station. Ye
are expert in doolin', borrowin'
an' pomadin' th' hair; ye play a
fine game of cards; ye know be
their first names all th' ladies iv
th' chorus he says. 'Ye require no
more schooling an' 'tis now ye'er
jooty to sthrike out an' arne a
livin',' he says. '.Alas,' he says,
'in these deginrate days on'y wan
thrade is left open to our old an'
illegal nobility J. he says. 'I allude
to th' always arjoos but sometimes
profitable . prof issyon iv matri
mony. Here in our belle France,'
he says, 'all th' best places ar-re
took already, but.' he says, "do ye
set out f 'r America, that land of
akel opporchunity. Go there, shut
ye'er eyes, an' choose th' lady iv
ye'er affections. A father's bless
ings go with ye.' he says. 'An',
he says, 'in ordher that ye may
have an incentive to industhry, ' he
says, 'me beloved son,' he says,
(Copyright, 1906, by H. II. Mc-
Clure & Co.)
WELL, SIR," said Mr.
W Dooley, "though Fm an
old man an' an old batch at that,
nawthin' makes me more sad thin
th' busting up iv a fond romance.
F'r," as Hogan says, 'tis lovethat
makes th' wurruld go round."
"What ar-re ye talkin' about?"
asked Mr. Ilonnessy.
'1 was thinkin' an' weepin'
over th' oiiforcknit endin' iv me
young frind Count Boney's love
affair,." said Mr. Dooley. "I had
a gr-reat inthrest in it fr'm th' be
ginnin'. I watched it fr'm th' day
whin Bouey. marched up th' aisle
wHJle th' organ pealed off Men
delssohn's 'Weddin' March' to th'
hour whin, he stepped out iv th'
back window while the phono
graph played 'I Don't Care If Ye
Niver Come Back.' An' I say to
ye, Hinnissy, is there no more ro
mance in th' wurruld? Is love
extinct? Is marriage a failure?
Must we all go back to wurruk ?
"Count Boney. I read be th' pa
apers, is th' sign iv wan iv th'
most ancient an' haughtiest houses
in fair Fr-rance. His father was
a prom'nent polis officer iv. that
counthry, bein' Marshal iv
Fr-rance at wan time. His elub
is now in th' possession iv the fam
1y or the fam'ly pawnbroker, an'
so is his badge an' his helmet. Th'
ancient an' haughty house, like
many others, was not what it had
coortship. Th' Count cud be dis
covered anny day settin' at his
frugal meal fev'rishly readin' th'
pages iv Bradstreet on ' Coortship
an' Marredge in th 'United States.'
His wooing was not all aisy. Man
ny a fortune destined f 'r an Eng
lish divoorce coort spurned him,
an' at wan time it looked as
though war might break out be
tween France an' England. But
love will find a way, whin it is
ar-rmed with Poverty an' burglar's-tools,
all' th' Count was not
to be rebuffed. " ;
"Some years befure this there
lived in this counthry a gr-reat
cappytalist who had succeeded be
his own industhree an' th care
lessness iv others in accumylatin'
a modest fortune whin th' tax col
lector come ar-round. ; It was al
most, ye might say, blushing at
thini times. He was a pop 'lar
man. His picture was printed
often in th' pa-apers an' he was
sometimes chased fr'm his office
to his home be his fellow-citizens.
He was a gr-reat railroad man.
Not that he knew annything about
a railroad thrain fr'm firin' an en
gine to sellin' peanuts, but, "Hin
nissy, he was, as me frind Jim Hill
wud say, th' conthrollin' spirit iv
wan iv thim gi'-reat agents iv civ
ylization .that binds in bands iv
steel th' East an' West so tight
that they can't even squeal an'
gives employment to thousands iv
his race, he thew himsilf at th'
feet iv th' simple American for
tune. 'Be mine,' he said. An' it'
was. Th' fortune took th' Count.
,"I wel raymimber th' weddin.'
estimated that nine hundred and
eighty-three millyon 'dollars'
worth iv diamonds reflected back
th' hues iv the stained glass wirr
dows. An' amid wild cheers an
: 'iiJjl
It was enough to make ye cry. Th'
church was filled with th' arrys
tocracy iv New York, th' proud
old-rayjeeni, says ' th' pa-apers,
much bettin' on how long it wud
last, th' clargymen accepted th'
satisfactory an' eertyfied check
that united th' oldest an' haugh
has turned into a trajeexly. How
did it happen, says ye. I'll niver
tell ye, though I know. Ye 're a
rayspictable marrid man, an' 'tis
not f 'r th' likes iv ye to' pry into
th' domestic lives iv th' rich an',
th' nobly bor-rn. I will say on'y
this, that fr'm readin' th' pa-apers
I've made up me mind that th'
Count made love to th' alphabet.
He did, I say he did. It's here in
th' pa-aper in red an' white, Mad-
r't- A, Madame B, Madame C th'
whole alphybet from A to Z. If I
cud joke on such a subject I might
tell he was in love with Madame
A Z. An' now he's lost his job.
The sign iv a noble house has been
taken down an ' painted out. What
is left iv th' fortune has shook
him. He's still in love, mind ye.
A tender heart like that is" iver
faithful, no matther what happens
to th' object iv its affections, an'
the honest Count's heart , wud
throb today at th' sight iv a little
small change. He still stands
around outside th' bank singin'
madrigals an' askin' to be taken
back. But all th' romance is out
iv it f 'r th' ortune. Th' Fortune
has got a divorce.
"An there ye ar-re. Isn't that
th' sad story?"
"I think it sarves thim both
right," said Mr. Hennessy.
"What's an American girl doin'
to marry wan iv thim Dagoes ?Th'
money was made over here, an' it
'I've rented ye'er room,' he says
"So th' Count tightened his
stays, had his hair curled, . red
dened his face with Bloom iv
Youth, penciled his eyebrows ontil
he was th' picture iv a Parisyan
athlete or American manicure, an'
set out on 'his love mission. I ray
mimber whin he landed. Th' ray
porthers met him an' asked him if
he had anny baggage. 'I thought
I wouldn't br-ring anny over,' said
he. 'It's on'y in th' way if ye
have etaffs ye can turn, an',' he
says, 'I expect to buy what I need
in ye"er well-beloved counthry,'
he says. 'Why have ye come?'
asked th' gintJemenv th' Press.
'I am in love,' says th' Count. 'I
am devoured with a divine pas
sion,' he says. 'Here in this land
iv ye'ers lives th' woman I love,'
he says. 'I can't sleep or eat ontil
I see her,' says he; 'let alone buy
anny clothes or joolry,' he .says.
'An' what is th' name iv th' en
chantress?' says th' Knights iv
th' Goose Quill. 'It's wan iv
these,' says th' lovesick swain,
projoocin' a long list fr'm th' in
side iv his hat. P'raps some iv ye
cud tell me about thim. Th' low
est I cud hurl me mad passion f 'r
wud, be tin millyon dollars, but,'
he says, 'me foolish heart tells ms
I wud allow twinty per cint re
duction,' he says, 'f'ra blonde,' he
"It was a beautiful, sinipje
men like engineers, firemen, lobby
ists, switchmen, joodicyary, Legis
latures, lab'rers, an' mimbers iv
Coroners' juries He arly sees th'
Power iv th' Press, an' instead of
larnin' to ile a piston rod he stud
ied printin.' an' become so good at
it that he had a press in his back
office where he cud be seen anny
day or night in his shirt sleeves
r-nmnin' off is fav'rite authors
Erie, Wabash, an' Missouri Passy
fic. They were th-2- first colored
comic supplements, an' they were
very laughable.
"But th' time come whin th'
Presp was stilled an' th' skillful
hand that steered it moved no
more. The financeer was at rest,
an' has been so iver since onless
he has heerd iv what happened to
his money. -
"Tord this charming fortune
our distracted over cast his eyes.
He had no sooner looked over th'
records iv th' Probate Coort thin
a mad passion seized him. Day be
day he. cud be seen haunting th'
StockExchange, pale an' hollow
eyed. He' had th' barber rumple
his hair with hot irons. At night
he stood outside th' safety-deposit
vaults playin' on a guitar an' ser
enadin' th' securities. Finlly he
cud stand it no longer. He cud
not repress th' throbbings of that'
fond heart or soothe ayether his
own or his boa rdin '-housekeeper's
fury. With th' iinpetchuseness iv
tnat has ruled th' wurruld iv fash
ion since th' repeal iv th' Sherman
act. Th' arrystocracy were sep
arated fr'm th' vulgar by ropes iv
purls. A historyan iv th' Press
tiest line in France with wan iv
th' newest and humblest fortunes
iv America.
"An' now it's all over. Th'
bloom is off th' rose Th' romance
TU' rrtt IWT ri in bit nic'icncn auuv niy efr-TTiKif A -r it i ran.
-'----------------------- J
shud stay here. I'm agin all
these things. Our girls ought to
marry good straight American
young men."
"They do," said Mr. Dooley, '
"so long as papa is poor. But whin
th' old gintleman has accumylated
a bank account that makes him th'
subject iv conversation in a grand
jury, th' lady has got to choose
between those that will have her.
This is th' on'y counthry in th'
wurruld where a poor man can't
marry a rich woman. If I were a
marryin' man, which I ain't, I'd
prefer to marry a heiress, all other
charms bein' equal. But I know
what ye'd say about me if I did.
An' so it goes. Tla" American king,
of finance is a fine la-ad an' no
body will i ve r get his money
away fr'm him while he lives. But
between takin ' spouse, Hinnissy,
that she can on'y see whin she
goes down to th' Stock Exchange
an' hollers f 'r him to come out, an'
a foreign nobleman that she lo
cates be writin' to a lady she niver
knew, it's a hard choice f'r th'
poor girl. I'd like to get mad on
th' subject iv what the pa-apers
call internaytional marredges, but
I can't. I have read th' rayports
from Sioux Falls. But 'tis strange
this romance I've been tellin' ye
about turned out wrong. They had
ivrything that ought to make mar
redge happy."
"They had money," said Mr.
' "That's what I said." said Mr.