4(i .-,
sot
lOd; Stater
1 1 jf
y 43
lillilip
GEORGE slDi:.
THE STORY of Maud Muller
was :a Corker in its day.. It
j.s now- wnai rresiaem . iiinoi, ui
llovvad, would call a Lime. If it
were larger it would be called a
Lemon; ' . ',
Some' forty Summers ago : every
sentilental Sarah in' the whole
country kept in her room 'a Gift
Book containing the verses about
Maud in the haylield and the
Judge riding .by. on his erestuut
horse. It was a simple yarn, but
sadly sweet withal. t
When a Belle of the sixties re
tired to her yappy little Boudoir
with the cardboard Mottoes, the
kerosene lamp and the hand
worked Shams, she always bad to
read about Maud and her hard
Finish before she could sink back
into the Feathers. -
First she . would remove the
stingy little Hat that usually had
one rooster feather in it and was
.worn tilted over the right eye.
Then . she would remove the
Xct. and the Chignon and the Wa
terfall, and carefully put away
the Cameo Brooch, weighing one
half pound.
Then' she would take off the
queer Gaiters that had Elastics on
the side. Also the Bead Bracelets.
She would back out of the Vel
vet Basque and climb over the
Hoops and divest herself of vari-
ous- Garments made iamous by
Godey's Lady's Magazine, after
which she' would be ready for her
evening dose of Maud Muller.
If a war time Belle, made up in
the. freak: costume that was in
vogue when Pa and Ma were
young, should walk along Alimony
Alley in the Waldorf-Astoria ;they
would sick the House Detective on
to her. ; ' ' --'-'
. And by the same rule, when you
try to hand a Maud Muller poem
to Mabelle, of the class of -'07, who
lias. a Track . ReeorqV of l:56-;
she simply chirps a couple of limes
and says, ''Twice ten plus three
Maud Muller Who "Raked the Hay
A Shopworn Specimen of Sentimental Narrative Done Over, Retrimmed and
Made Into a 1907 Model. What Might Happen tqlthe Judge if He Went
Trifling With a Wise Maud of the Present Day. J& By GEORGE ADE
for you and beat the barrier."
The Maud Muller kind of Poem
has gone into the Discard with the
Melodeon. the Lap-Supper and the
Kissing Game.
What the Fly Public wants now
adays is Plot -an.! Something Do
ing. . ' -
What is there in the whole Maud
Muller business when you come to
sift it .right down and analyze it
according to the methods of Mod
ern Criticism? J .'.',' 7
It seems that Maud Muller-was
out in the field trying to be a full
hand and save Ler father some
the present day, accounts for the
large supply of Manicures.
At this point the r Judge comes
by on horseback. He is supposed
to be a very rich man. ; ;At the
time the poean was written Judges
were getting as high -as r twelve
hundred dollars a year,, arid . the
query immediately suggests itself
to the reader of the present day
did he have some side : line of
graft? ;
And any rate he was rich
therefore disreputable. " :.
, lie pulled up in the shade of the
old apple tree and asked the girl
to bring hiro a drink of water. It
from a fairer hand was never
quaffed."
This was goinw some, right off
the reel. He went on to jtalk about
the flowers and the birds and the
bees, and finally got around to the
weather. A man. dealing in this
line of conversation could not stay
in the game for any great length
of time at the. present , day, but
nevertheless, it seems that the
Judge- made a ten-strike with
Mand. .-' -; . . 1 ' ,
After he rode away she watched
him and said to herself," as nearly
as her remarks can be translated
into , the sweet Vernacular of the
of the dime-th robber, who knows
just what the flat-headed public
is looking for, accept any such
childish and pointless narrative as
this? Not on your 300,000 circula
tion I
He would return the Ms. to the
Author and suggest a few changes
in order to make the story more
Snappy and give the Artist a
chance at some cracking good
Pictures. By the" time tie got
through doctoring up the Ro
mance, it would run about as fol
lows :
Maude, with an "e," as a type
of the Progressive New Woman, is
in the hayiield directing the opera
tions of a large gang of workmen,
when the Judge comes by in a 60
H. P. motor car. (
The Judge has become immense
ly wealthy while acting as a tool
of the Corporate Interests that are
slowly but sure!- sucking the life
blood of the Republic. The Judge
I u
THIS INCIDENT -IS TO GIVE THE ARTIST. AN OrENING.
money. We find accurate pictures
of her in the old Gift Book. She
was barefooted and lr .hair was
let out to dry. Evidently she had
been washing it. She had a round,
shiny face and the fine, large bel
ladonna eyes of the Anna Held
variety. .
She sang as she worked until
she happened to glance at the far
off town, when she experienced a
vague longing to discontinue man
ual labor and move into the city.
This same symptom, prevailing to
might occur to some that a strong,
husky man who had been riding
all morning would go and get a
drink for himself instead of ask
ing some poor working girl to do
it for him.
The story has it that she filled
the cup, from the" spring and
brought it to him, and as he took
it she blushed, for she realized
that she was not rigged out to re
ceive swell company. .
The; Judge thanked her and re
marked that "a sweeter draught
THEY WOULD SICK THE HOUSE DETECTIVE ONTO HER.
20th century: "Oh, if I could only
land some man like that! Our
family would certainly put a
crimp in his Bank Account. He
could buy all father's clothes and
lend money to brother and pay
mother's traveling expenses,1'
It was1 evident, that Maud really
loved the Judge.
As for the Judge, he looked
back from a hill and saw her still
soldiering and gazing at him and
said: "She looks all right io me.
If I could get some girl like that,
me for a quiet place in the coun
try. But. I ..don't think my family
would stand for her."
So the Judge rode on into the
town and back to the Courthouse,
while Maud stood around, think
ing of him, until she was caught in
the rain. .
He married a rich wife who
traveled with the highrollers, and
often at night when he was wait
ing for her to conic home he would
gaze into the fire and wish that
he could get out of it without hay
ing his picture in the papers.
Sometimes he wondered why he
hadn't played a few return dates
with the good-looker that brought
him the water. ..''
. As for Maud, she married a poor
man, but what the couple lacked
in Furniture they made up in
Family.
Very often she would sit around
during the long, lonesome even
ings, with nothing to read but the
agricultural papers, and try to im
agine what might have been if she
had made a little stronger play
for the Judge.
; , That is the end of the story.
There is nothing more to it.
.-. Suppose that some Whittier of
today' should write this kind of a
story and send it to the editor of
a brisk little magazine that guar
antees you many a tingle for your
ten-cent piece.
Would the wise man in charge
is the embodiment of the per
nicious System whatever that is.
Inasmuch as he is exceeding the
speed limit, Maude, when she sees
him coming, goes into her colonial
cottage that cost" a half million
and gets a shotgun, and as he
comes by she shoots him in the
knee. The purpose of introducing
this incident is to give the artist
an opening for a wash-drawing
that will be full of Action.
The Judge fafls out of the ma
chine and Maude Muller has him
carried into the house, whereupon
he calls for "a drink. The Maude
Muller of 190H knows better than
to offer a Judge anything that
comes out of a spring. She brings
him a Scotch. When he arouses
himself to the fact that she is a
Raving Beauty and furthermore is
highly cultivated, the same as all
the girls living in -the country, he
forgets his resentment and they
spend inan3T happy hours together
discussing, the problem of 'Labor
and Capital while he is being
nursed back to health.
At last the . Judge returns to
town, leaving Maude very lonely.
The wires get crossed and he mar
ries somebody else. She does the
same, necessarily. Then both of
them sit around reflecting on the
old couplet : ,
"Of all sad words of tongue or
pen
The saddest are these, it might
have been."
Only they shift, it around after
a while to read a follows :
"Of all glad words now set to
verse- -
The. gladdest are these. It might
have been worse. "
A half-century ago, when mar
ried people got in wrong and
found that they were up against
it, their only relief was to sit
around and gaze into the fire and
dream" of what "might have
been,"
"A SWEETEK DRAl'GHT FROM FAIRER HAND WAS NEVER QUAFFED.'
They were simply Stung and
that settled it. .
Nowadays when Folks find that
they have' miscued the matrimo
nial venture they turn their trou
bles over to a lawyer.
In the revised version Maude
goes into court and proves that
her husband invariably wears a
red necktie, thereby giving her
many hours of acute suffering, and
that she can no longer remain un
der the same roof. So the Court
sets her free and enters an order
that she shall not be permitted to
marry again for two weeks.
In the meantime, the Judge
proves that his wife has been ex
cessively cruel in that she does
not always agree with him, and of
course he gets his decree.
Then the Judge and Maude get
together and take the tall Hurdle
hand in hand.
In the antiquated romance,
when Mrs. E. D. N. Southworth
was the Heal Thing, the marriage
of the two would be "the Final
Chapter
It will be recalled that the Hero,
after four-flushing and backing up
and walking sideways through 300
pages of long conversations and
weather reports, finally came to
Taw.
He found her in the Conserva
tory or else at the rustic bench
beneath the hawthorn tree with a
distant view of the Manor House
the very spot on which they first
met, the morning after Sir Guy
was found murdered in the libra
ry. Usually he would sneak from be
hind and lean over then she, the
startled little Cry then he, "Ag
nes, I love you, I love you, I love
you" business of Clinching
quick curtain.
Such was the Happy Wind-Up.
But it will no longer do.
It was once supposed that after
the two went strolling back under
thc'elms, holding hands, there was
nothing more to be told. But the
modern problem novel usually be
gins With the wedding march.
The Judge, following the exam
ple of the average Central Charac
ter in the absorbing Storv of To
day, permits his lust for gold and
power to lead hii.i into the sinuous
byways of 'financial crookedness.
In other words, he becomes the
Director of an Industrial Corpor
ation,' and about the same time
both of the great political parties
I begin building a gallows for him.
Maude is tempted by the glitter
of High Ljfe. She- learns to dally
with Bridge Whist at ten dollars
a throw. She gets in with the Set
that plays tag with the Ten Com
mandments and e.its a light break
fast, consisting of grape fruit and
a couple of Martinis about 3
o'clock in the afternoon.
In fact, Maude begins hitting
the most elevated spots.
There is no reason why she
shouldn't calm down and behave
herself, but for some reason the
plain $14 a week mortals who live
in suburban flats like to have their
Fiction served with paprika dress
ing, and so the poor Society Lead
er has to govern herself accord
ingly. Maude gets to be an Awful
Thing.
She is a night owl, and becomes
well acquainted with nearly all of
the club rowdies in the world ex
cept her own husband.
At last, in order to keep up the
Pace, she begins to flirt with the
Dope. Whenever anything hap
pens to worry her. she simply gets
out her Light Artillery and gives
herself a Shot that blows the rib
bons out of her hair. Then in a few
minutes she is picking grapes and
watching the Northern Lights.
Things go on from bad to worse
until Maude, fooling with the
Hypo one day, gets an overdose,
and the Judge, threatened with
Exposure, jumps off of Brooklyn
Bridge.
The moral of the whole eompli-;
cated story of Maude and the
Judge is that all self-respecting
Souls should remain Poor and
keep away from Drawing-Rooms
where the Best Families are wont
to congregate.
It is a good thing for. Maud
Midler that she wandered into the
fipld of Romantic Fiction at a
time when all she had to do was
rake the ha v.
(Copyright, 1906:).
ii jji , ,,j
IN THE REVISED VERSION THE COURT SETS HER FREE.
-4