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THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND. NOVEMBER 25, 1900.
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George yqni:.
By Gearse Ade.
THE true story of Captain
John Smith and Pocahontas
has never been told. ' The
only version given to the world
was written by Captain John him
self, and ui this narrative he gets
all the best of it. ITe is IT. '
Somehow or other, when a fas
tidious foreigner writes a , book
about America he always gives the
author the long end of it.
John was a. great hand to plug
his own game. lie hated himself
not. He got out five or six books
and they were all about himself.
In his earlier works he told about
carving up the Turks and Bul
garians, often converting an ordi
nary battlefield into a reeking
slaughter-house. "Wherever he
went, he would fight with one hand
and take notes with the other.
When he started for America, in
1606, hewas all primed to do the
Kipling Act. He had swell con
tracts with the publishers right in
his pocket and was already fram
ing up what he would say when
the newspaper boys came around
tofump him.
It was certainly tough luck for
him that the Kodak had not been
invented. The Captain was cut out
for a half-tone heio. .
The modern historian takes a
few established facts, and, uisng
them as pegs, proceeds to hang up
festoons of smilax, thereby, con
verting a plain Chronology into a
pleasing Rojnanee. In the case of
Captain John Smi,th we have a
right to take these same liberties.
With a few sound historical data
as a basis we may proceed to elab
orate the story of what happened
to him in America. It is a practi
cal cinch that Captain Smith was
not essentially different from all
the other Englishmen who have
come out into the darkness of the
New World at various times to
look us over.
We know just how the Captain
carried on over here, because the
records 6how that he was a typical
British Tourist. It is known that
on the way over he was very cocky
told the captain how to steer the
ship and used to stand out on deck
Pocahontas and Captain Smith-Why the Savage Americans Wanted to Soak the Visiting Englishman. A Wise Guess at What
Really Started Rough House aniWhy the BeaUtitu! Maiden Mood tor the loppy foreigner Who Was loastmg Her Native Land.' J
finding fault with the ocean, the
sky, the porpoises, the crew, the
passenger fist, tKe. cooking, the
manner of auctioning off the poolsi
the ventilation of the smoking
room and anything else that came
under'hls'observatfon? ""
Also his pictures show that he
had bushy whiskers, parted in the
middle. No wonder people wanted
to hand him Something.
In his desire to be the entire
Works he overplayed his hand and
finally the other colonists com
bined against him, put him under
arrest and locked him in the hold,
whereupon he wrote a letter of in
dignant protest to the London
Times, sealed it in a bottle and
dropped it overboard. '
The Virginia Coast was sighted
on April 26, 1606. Fortunately it
was a clear day. If it had been a
govern the new settlement.
They disobeyed the Royal Com
mand and kept him out of the
Council for several weeks. Why
ad they arteiward relent and give
him a place on the governing
board? Because when they start
ed the building of Jamestown they
discovered that Smith was the
Dnly man who knew how to work
the Indians for supplies.
It is interesting to note that even
in that remote period the Celebrity
from abroad knew how to get his
board for nothing.
The first lesson taught the na
tive Americans ; was that they
should esteem it a privilege to or
ganize Dinners for all British Sub
jects who happened along.
Captain John Smith began to
get busy exploring Chesapeake
Bay and staking out large tracts
London dines every day on Cold
Shoulder and sleeps at night under
a Wet Blanket,' but let some"
Younger Son . named Ponsonby
(pronounced Punsby) arrive in
New York and eight or ten mill
ionaires meet him at thedocf and
ask him up to the house. And
when he does one of those velvet
hand touches they reach for the
red check-book and come across
without a whimper. On the other
hand, let a man from Guthrie,
Oklahoma, go broke in their midst
and they will give him a nice fold
er map showing the best Route for
walking home. ' '
Powhatan was probably a self
made American with an Accent
and a fine line of stable manners,
and it was only natural .that he
would knuckle under to the Cap
tain. The Captain had a cold, gijn-
-i
HIIALL ATTEMPT IT," SAID THE CAPTAIN.
foggy day and the coast had not
been sighted, the whole continent
of North America would have been
compelled to struggle along for
300 years without any First Fam
ilies. Those who belong to the Second
Families never get any mention in
the Pedigree Certificate. There is
no place or show hioney in the
Aristocracy. . .
As soon as the colonists sighted
the Virginia Coast they opened
their sealed orders and learned
that Captain John Smith, who was
at that moment locked up below
with the livestock, had been named
as one of the Council of Seven to
r
HK WAS HORRIBLY ANNOYED.
of land which he claimed for the
Crown. It annoyed him a good
deal to find that the Indians had
jumped in and squatted on this
Real Estate a few centuries before
his arrival. Sometimes when he
would be surveying for . a boule
vard right through an Indian vil
lage, the natives would attempt to
interfere with his plans. He resent
ed" this interference, but he never
lost his temper to such an extent
that he stopped boarding with
them.
In 1607 he went up to visit Pow
hatan, who was a Big Chief in his
own tribe and had been cutting
a wide swath in Virginia, but who
didn't stack up very high along
side of an Englishman with whis
kers. Powhatan lived in a town known
as Werowocomoco, near the junc
tion of Carter's Creek and York
Run. It is believed that Captain
Smith did not like the name of this
town, because it was outlandish
and American, the same as Osh
kosh and Kalamazoo, which are
the only American towns well
kno.wn in London. Ho wanted to
change the name of the place to
Smith Lodge, Smithton-on-the-Smith.
When Powhatan held out for a
good old Indian name, because it
was home-made, the Captain made
a note that the Americans were a
vain and stubborn lot,. with an. un
due pride in their own shabby Pos
sessions. N
It is a' fair guess that Powhatan
and his friends tried to give the
Captain a good time. Any Brit
isher with a handle to his name
who lands in America is sure to be
smothered with Social Attentions.
The poor - dubby- American in
let eye and he seldom smiled in
fact, he had all the earmarks of a
very doggy swell.
Nothing suited him. He kicked
on the food. All that Powhatan
could offer him at that time were
the natural products of Virginia
and the Chesapeake region, such
as Lynn Havens on the half-shell,
terrapin, canvasback duck, veni
son, bear, meat, a few varieties of
fish, prairie chicken and cake made
of the native maize and called
Pone. When this simple repast
was spread before the Captain he
moaned and said he wished he
could get back to his Club in Lon
don, where he could draw up to a
nice Bloater with a boiled potato
on the side.
After dinner he was inter
viewed. He. said that America
seemed Crude, but full of promise.
The inhabitants were lacking in
repose and refinement and they
used too much iced water and had
a perverted Sense of Humor.
Wrhen he turned into his Tepee
that night he set his boots outside,
and when he awoke in the morning
and found that they had not been
neatly varnished during the night,
he let out an awful roar, and said
it was a beastly country, and that
he was horribly annoyed.
That day Powhatan invited him
out to see some of the native
games. The simple children of
the West,ha.d one pastime which
consisted of swatting the ball and
then running.
A number of the local fans were
out to witness the game. They
made a great deal of noise
in rooting and seemed to en
joy the contest, but Captain
Smith looked on with a dead and
fishy eye and said that he much
preferred Cricket. Then he be
came peevish because tea was not
served at the ball game.
That afternoon he landed . on
Powhatan for a slight Loan, and
whert. the schief offered him wam
pum he kicked on the currency of
the country, and said they should
adopt a sensible system, based on
Farthings, Bobs and Quids.
That evening he was invited to
dinner again, and when the natives
told him that they woulJl dine at
6 o'clock he said it was a most out
rageous hour, and that he .was not
accustomed to dining before 8:30. J
All during' dinner he mentioned
that the room was too hot and the
drinks were too cold. He muffed
every joke that came into his ter
ritory and professed a complete ig
norance of local history. Then
after dinner he sat around and
told what Lord Somebody had
said to him while they were up
country shooting grouse, and that
settled it. -
Late at night the chief and a
few of the wise men of the village
held a pow-wow
"I deem it advisable to main
tain friendly relations with all of
the Great Powers," said Powhatan
opening tne conierence, dux
When Captain: John Smith, F.
R; S., learned next morning that
he was to be taken to the public
square and mauled to death with a
come along and rub it in on us.
For that reason, I shall take much
pleasure in soaking you good and
plenty."
Powhatan raised his hickory
club, and as he did so there was
a piercing scream, and his beauti
ful daughter, Pocahontas, sprang
between, him and the recumbent
victim.
in
there is a limit to human endur
ance. Even a peaceable Indian
may be goaded to madness if he is
walked on too often. The distin
guished Englishman has come
among us. We have decorated his
wigwam with flowers and fed him
on wild turkey. How does' he re
pay us T He is keeping a Diary
and getting ready to roast us in a
book to be issued in the early
Autumn, What shall we do to
protect ourselves?" ,
Some-suggested scalping. Oth
ers thought that burning at the
stake with a slow fire would be
.bout the proper punishment. One
of the head men suggested a Com
bination of the two, and said that
they could lend variety to the per
formance by shooting poisoned ar
rows into the victim while he was
writhing in the death agony. An
other thought that running the
gauntlet would be a fair compro
mise,, and still another asked,
"Why not have him dragged by
wild ponies ? "
After giving due consideration
to all of their suggestions, the
great chief spoke as" follows :
"The trouble is you are all try
ing to ring in on my private ven
geance. I am the one who has suf
fered most, and I want everybody
else to stand back and let me hand
him one Joke that he will under
stand. Tomorrow I will select the
largest and wartiest war club in
the village, and I will spread our
noble guest out in front of me and
then I won't do a thing to him."
THK RECORDS SllOW THAT HE WAS A TYPICAL BRITISH TOl'Rl&T.
club, he entered a Formal Protest
in the name of the Crown.
He knew that the first duty of
a British Subject anywhere or at
any time, and no matter what hap
pens, is to enter a Formal Protest.
Then he said he wished to notify
the English Consul, but there was
no English Consul within 3000
miles..
He thought some of writing an
other letter to the Loudon Times
but the mail service was very ir
regular, and, while he was still
making a dignified effort to for
mulate his plans, the Committee on
Public Safety pounced on him and
carried him to the place of execu
tion. Powhatan, club in hand, was
waiting and did a war dance
around the prostrate form of the
well-known Traveler and popular
Author.
"This may never happen again
in all history," said he, "but. for
once the humble native American
is going to get back at the tall
browed Writer who comes over
here to play horso with our crude
Institutions. Captain Smith, you
are going away from here. I don't
know where you will land, but I
am willing to gamble that you will
kick on either place; but we will
have the satisfaction of knowing
that, no matter what your Impres
sions may be, you won't be able
to go back home and put them into
a Book. I have tried to be pleas
ant with you, and you have pat
ronized me. We know that we are
the simple Children of the Wilder
ness, but we don't like to have any
man with your kind of whiskers
"Do not strike him, father,"
slie pleaded. "Spare him for my
sake."
"Let me give him .just one,"
begged the chief, "it is coming to
him."
"You must not take his life,"
said Pocahontas, kneeling beforo
her father. "I have been talking
with him and have shown him my
Bank Account, and he has prom
ised to get me into London So
ciety." "Impossible!" exclaimed Pow
hatan, dropping his club. "How
could a native American ever
hope to break into' that exclusive
circle?"
Then Captain Smith spoke up.
"I assure you that an American
heiress can do very well in Lon
don," said he; "that is if she
leaves her parents at home."
"And will you really take my
poor child. over there and have
her minglo withthe Smart Set
and be presented at Court and all
that?" asked the eager chief, re
leasing the bonds of the captive.
"I shall attempt it," said the
Captain, arising and dusting him
self oft' and once more assuming
his air of- haughty superiority.
"Even an American may get on
in London if the coin holds out
and he has the rigb.tr kind of
Backing."
And that is how it happened
that Captain John Smith escaped,
even after the club, was lifted
over his head, and how Poca
hontas succeeded in meeting and
marrying the gallant young Rolfe
and actually going to England to
be presented at Court.
After Powhatan got hold of
Captain Smith's book he was
sorry he hadn't swung the club
before Pocohontas showed up on
the scene. He was hoping that
Captain Smith would come back
again, but the author never
showed up after he had written
his Roast. Thev never do.
cew e ft. 6-J
HE WAS ALL PRIMED TO DO THE KIPLING ACT; OR. WHEN THE NEWSPAPER BOYS CAME AROUND TO PIMP HIM.