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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 26, 1906)
48 THE SUNDAY OKEGOXIAX, PORTLAND, AUGUST 26, l'JOS. oktheDIAM Y EDWARD W. TOWNSENO, AUTHOR qf"CHIMM1E FADDEN ETC. 3 L 1 . C mi ca rrTT rT if ON WW mm m m ' w w mm 'it r- DEAR MAMMA: If ever I said that Aunt Jane wasn't the best ever I ought to have a short session with Dad and hia razor strap. She is, and the funny thing about It is that one has to find it out, as if it was a secret she was shanked of. 1 found it out in a funny way. I was going to my friend Eggy's house you remember Eggy I wrote Dad about, who can play first base all right well, I was going to where he lives to ask him to chase along with me on Cousin Bob's hay wagon ride, and he was juet going to the butcher's to get a check turned into real money. The check was signed by Aunt Jane. That wasn't funny, of course, because Eggy's mother does sewing for Aunty, but the check was for Just the same amount Dad sends Aunt Jane for my board. I said so to Eggy, and he said Aunt Jane sent his mother a check for that sum each Mon day, whether there had been any sewing or not, and that is the morning Dad's check cornea. So when I got home I asked Aunt Jane why she sent my board money to Eggy's mother, and she got red and asked me how I knew she did, and I told her. Then she said that if my papa wanted to be a silly ass and , send her board money for her own sis ter's child, thank heaven papa couldn't make her keep such money. Then she said I was to run along and play, and not bother about things I couldn't under stand. Those are exactly the very things I always like to bother about, so I asked Miss Mary about it, and she said: "Ham, aek me which was first, the egg or the chicken, and I'll tell you; but don't ask me the mystery of money affairs between relations by marriage. They are deeper than the eye of a needle and more "fllfficult than for an Insurance officer to pass through aj well." I thought that was rather mixing things for a school teacher, but I let her go on. "Hamilton," she said, "if your father did not send money for your board to Aunt Jane she would say he was a scrooge, and because he does send the money she says he is a silly asa. Now that proves that until I know what a scrooge Is It Is time for us to practice saying the capitals of the states of the Union. What's the capital of Nebraska? Before you answer I'll tell you some good news I am to teach your class In school." That was bully, for Miss Mary is the kind of a teacher a fellow likes. If . you don't know what she asks you she thinks it's up to her to teach you, not up to her to make a monkey of you for not knowing. Perhaps a teacher Is made to teach. The only way my tutor used to keep himself awake was having sport with me for not knowing what he was hired to teach me. That'swhy a boy's lot is a hard one, but Mary is a bird. I didn't mean to tell you about such silly stuff as learning, but about Cousin Bob's hay wagon ride. There- were two wagons and about a thousand fellows and girls iu'each. There were girls, because ' Bob said riding In a hay wagon without girls would be like going to work in the morning. But I think they are simply foolish. Eggy and I were appointed po licemen to let the drivers know when any one tumbled out of the wagons,, and to see that accordion and harmoniums In the back wagon played the same tunes as those in the front wagon, so that the tunes wouldn't mix in the middle and ex plode. Do you remember the llcorish girl who turned me down on the soda propo sition? She was there. She's a cheerful worker, Class Al, and if ever she gets left It'll be because the procession Isn't . worth keeping up with. She kozzed up to the supper basket at the bottom of the wagon, and every quarter of a mile she'd wonder if the cake was getting squashed. , and take a bite to make sure. There . she eat. Dear Mamma, getting poddier and poddier right before our ,eyes. There was supper enough in spite of that girl, for we drove to grandpa's house, and they had cider and donuts and cakes and pies and almost everything that's worth eating. But the sheet and pillow case game after supper was the most ripping fun. Bach fellow pretended to be a ghost, and some of the little girls were near scart to death, and ran Into the house where it was light. But when the grown-up girls were frightened. In stead of running Into the house, they would run right into the shadow of the trees, where you'd think the ghost would be the most scarsome. The men ghosts would run after them all screaming to beat a drum, except when U-.ey were in the darkest shadow, where they didn't scream, and then out Into the moonlight screaming again. It was great. Some of the boys were really frightened, and when I Bald I ' -wasn't. Bob dared me to walk through the trees alone, and I did. Grandpa said I had my mamma's own pluck. He said you were never afraid of even the old Harry, and had proved It. Grand ma asked how wasthat, and Grandpa ' said, hadn't you married a York City man! Grandpa said Eggy and I were to come out again when nuts are ripe, and Susan Clegg The Village Philosopher (Copyright. 1906. by K. N. Blrdsall.) BY ANNE WARNER. ' OU look said Mrs. Lathrop solicitously one afternoon when Susan Clegg had come around by the gate to enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and knitting. "Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling her ball and drawing a long breath "I, may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I really never was more so. My very back aches from It in a way as you can't possibly understand, for you'd of gone to sleep on the second page an' slept through to the index, but I was built different from you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' If I thanked the Lord as much as I'd ought to' for that I'd never have time to do nothin' else In this world." "What" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with In terest. . . "It was a book," said her friend, be ginning to knit assiduously, "a book as a boy he wont to school with sent Mr. Fish er with a postal card sayin as . every American man ought to read it thought fully. Mrs. Fisher says she don't ap prove o' Mr. Fisher's readln' books as every man ought to know, so she let me have it till she gets through makln' over (COPYRIGHT. BY THE and Friend, Mrs. Lathrop Discusses "The Far Eastern Tropics- With Her Neighbor. her carpets. I brought, the book home done up to look like It was a pie, an' I will frankly state, .Mrs. Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when I found what It was about. It was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop, the far side or near side, Just a'cordin' to the way you face to get the light while you read, an' so lar from it's bein" only in tended for men it's all right for anyone at all as has got the time. Now that I'm done It an' know that I haven't never got to do it agaJn, I don't mind tellin' you that for a book as couldn't possibly have been meant to be lnterestin' it was about as agreeable readln' as I ever struck in my life. There was lots In It as was new to me, for it's a thick book, an' all I knowed about that part o' the world before was as Java coffee come from Java, and that the Philippines come from Spain. But I know it all now, an" Judge Fitch himself can't tell me nothin' from this day on, that the man who wrote that book ain't told me first." "What" began Mrs Lathrop. "But I don't see how he's going to make any money out of it," pursued her friend, "for it's jwetty plain as it's all about what Americans don't want to know, an' NEW' YORRHERALD CO. what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patriotic I don't be lieve I'd have read it clear to the end my self, but I ain't never felt any call to be patriotic since them boys throwed that firecracker Into my henhouse last Fourth o' July. I will say this for the hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker a good deal calmer 'n I could, for I was awful mad, an' anyone as seed me ought to of felt what a good Ameri can was spoiled then 'n there, for all I asked was to hit someone with somethin" whether it was him as throwed the cracker or not." Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked sym pathetic. . "But about this book." Susan went on after a second of slightly angered reflection. "It begins with Hongkong an' ends with the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain't Chinese, for all it's named that an' growed there it's English an' as for the Philippines, there's eight million of them, not countin' the wild ones as they can't catch to ask questions. In between Hongkong an' the Philippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part o' the world pretty lively an' tells who owns It an' what kind o' roads they've got an' who'd better gov ern 'era an' all like that. But it's when he finally got to the Philippines as he really began to enjoy himself. He en joyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself too, although I can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not o" been quite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind o' things he says is all what you couldn't get no other way,' an' if the United States really feels they're In the right all they need to do Is to read how wrong they are there in black 'n' white. I don't believe It's generally knowed as Dewey took Agulnaldo over to Manila and gave him his first start an" called him "General' for a long time after they decided in. Washington as he wasn't nothin' but a rebel after all. I never knowed that, an" I will remark as I think there's a many others as don't know it either. The man says the Philippines ain't very well off bein' pacified, 'n' that the Americans ain't no great success pacifyln' 'em, for it seems as they made five thou sand expeditions after 'em last year an' only got hold o' five thousand na tives. That's a expedition Jp a man. an" I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's small wonder we're taxed, with some of our fellow citizens as hard to grab as that. I sh'd think it'd be wiser to let 'em chase each other for ten or twenty years, an' then settle with the survivors, but a'cordin' to the man who wrote the book you can't never tell a American nothin', an' I must say that my own experience In this com munity has proved as he knows what he's sayin'. He says the Philippines is In a very bad way, an' so is their roads, but that folks In this country is J so dead-satisfied with their way an' their roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' to help, either." "Did" asked Mrs. Lathrop. "He says," continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happy sittin' back an" observln' the Philippines an' the Phil ippines Is so far off that if they die of starvation bein' observed no one'll ever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin' for the army an" the Philippines Is tryin' to live with it. an' seein' as they don't work much an' the Chinese Is for bidden to work for 'em he don't see no help nowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin' for I never see one close to an' it seems they're a clean race only for likin' to raise pigs in their garrets." , "I sh'd think" said Mrs. Lathrop, look ing startled. "Well, I should too," said Susan, "but a'cordin' to the book the Philippines Is lots worse. He says right out plain that the Philippines needs Otsmese an 'good roads worse 'n they need the army an' the schools. They certainly must be get tin" a good deal or schoolin", but the man says all the teachers teach in English an' as none o' the children can speak English they don't get much learned. I thought I could sort o' see that he thought we'd ought to of straightened out the South afore webegun on the other half of the world, and it Is the other half of the world, too. Mrs. Lathrop. for I looked it up on a map an' it begins right, under Japan an' then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how under the sun we come to own it anyway. The whole back o' the book Is full o' figures to prove as he told the truth in front, but he didn't think much o' even the figures In the Philippines, for he says they put down some o' what they spend In Mexican money an' some In American, an' don't tell what they spend the most of it for In either case. He says he met some very nice men there an' they was workln' the best they knew how, but they didn't think things were goin' well themselves an' it's plain to be seen that he spoke of 'em jus' like you give a child a cookie after a spankin'." "What do you " asked Mrs. La throp, earnestly. "Oh," saia her friend, "I ain't never had no ideas on the Philippines since Judge Fitch got his brother made a Captain in the war, just because he was tired supportin' him. Mr. Kimball said then a3 all wars was Jus' got up to use up the folks as respectable people didn't want to have around no longer. He said Mr. Weskln said as it's been quietly knowed around for hundreds of years as the Crusades was a great suc cess as far as gettln' 'em off was con cerned Just for that very reason." Susan stopped knitting and stuck her needles into the ball. "I must go home," she said, "an" all I can say Is as that whole book made me feel Jus' like we've all got to feel. Lots o' things might be better only the people that could change 'em don't often feel inclined that way. an' the people who'd like to have a change ain't the ones as have got any say. If I was a Philippine, I d want a Chinaman to do my work, an' I'd feel pretty mad that folks as had so many niggers an' Ital he would show me a chestnut tree that my Mamma climed better than any boy in the district. V.'e are going out there. Grandma's donuts are a day iream, and she always has a lot of them. Bob says, and punkin pies. Yes, indeed, dear Mamma, I want to see tue tree you climed. The ride home was all right, I s'pose. but I was asleep most of the way on the hay. Bob wasn't sleepy even when we got home, and he asked Mary to sit out on the stoop with him awhile to see that no ghosts came around to bother us for daring to play "ghosts." Mary said Bob would have more time to give to the ghosts if he sat on the stoop alone than If she helped him, so she went to bed. Eggy was to stop with me, and we went to bed. too. I don't know how long I was asleep, but some time or other I woke up and heard some one down on the stoop. I woke up Eggy and said I'd bet a nickel that Bob was trying to scare us playing that real ghosts had come, and that we would give him the s'prise of his life. Well, we sneaked out by the back door and around to the front, keeping In tne bushes, and sure enough there was Bob I thought wearing a mask and fool ing at tho window. Eggy and me could hardly keep from laughing when we thought of the s'prise we would give him. Then we drew up a plan of bat tle. I said I'd tackle him low and hard, and If I brought him down, Eggy was to sit on his head and hold his arms. We were barefoot and crept up on the foe as silent as a kitten after a grass hopper, until I nudged Eggy I was go ing to work. I made a long dive, got a good tackle on his legs, low, and brought him down hard with a bump on his head. I would have been sorry, but Bob was an old footballer and I knew he knew how to protect his head In a fall. At the same time Kggy sat on his head and grappled his arms. Then we both yelled, and 1 said, "Why don't you get up?" "Why Jon't I get up! Can't you count?" said the man. "I'm out." When I realized that it wasn't Bob, I nearly lost my voice, but I clung to hia legs all I could and Eggy was grinding his head like a good tellow. Then w both got our voices and 1 tell yuu we yelled for Unkle Tom and Bob as if we were shipwrecked marners with noth ing to eat and drink, and a fair boat was passing on before our fever dimmed eyes the same as in a story book. How we did yell! In half a minute Unkle Tom came chasing in his "pajams." carrying a shotgun; Bob came chasing, carrying my baseball bat; Aunt Jane came chas ing, carrying a light, and Mary came chasing, carrying a parasol. Unkle Tom took one look at the man and said: "Well, I'll be -!" The rest tnat he said was what Papa says when he is very much 'stonlshed. He pokd the shotgun in the man's face and Bob took the mask off the man and lie was a real burglar! Mary made a little yell, but in another minute was telephoning for the constable. Truly, Mamma, Eggy and I nearly had fits when we saw that we had cap tured a burglar, but we were not so near having a fit as the burglar wus. He looked at us and blinked and gulped and rubbed his eyes, and at last he said to Unkle Tom: "Are those kids yours. Governor?" "No," said Unkle Tom; "Nevlew and chum." "Well, Governor," said the burglar, "all I've got to say Is that I thought they were two husky, full-grown cops when they fetches me dawn and hoi. Is me there. So I gave up to save me from a fanning with their night sticks. Them has had only nlties. What a dis grace this is to me!" Eggy and I were the whole works the next day In the courthouse when the Judge gave Mr. Burglar ten years. But to the last he kept looking at us an saying: "Two full-grown copswith night sticks that's what I thought those kiddles was." We had our last game of baseball the other day. for now we are going into practice at football, with Bob to coach us. But that last game was fierce. We had the other side beaten a mile If we had a chance with the um pire. But a boy came to us and said that the umpire had bet 10 cents we would lose, so Eggy and I got the um pire between us and said things to him as nicely as wo could. We told him to get the sleepers out of his eyes and see a few things we did as well as all the things and a few more that the other side did. He told us to play ball and he'd 'tend to business, and he did. But all the same Eggy or I stood near him all the time swinging a bat easy, as If we didn't know what to do with It, but might know if he made any more of his funny decisions. We won. Dear Mamma, please send me a foot ball nose guard and a helmet with ear protectors. I played without them in prastice the other day, and when I got home Mary looked at me and said: "My dear child, have you been in Packing town? You look like potted ham. Come and let me restore you to some thing your mother might recognize as a speaking acquaintance." It is true. Mamma, that even after Mary had touched me up with arnlka and court plaster I was far from being your lit tle curly-haired darling you were proud to have sit on the back seat of the carriage with you as you drove down the avenue. I was a sight. But, dear Mamma, If you will send the hel met and nose gard, I will remain your loving son, HAMILTON. ians that .they didn't need Chinamen should say I couldn't have 'em, neither. However, all the Philippines as know anythln' can easy paddle across to some o' them well-run countries In the front half o the book to live, an' as for tne rest " Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was asleep! Somrthfna; Mlsalng. Washington D. '.) Star. Timei ain't the Bam an they wre long ago. Th reflection occasions regrrt. It's a matter of coune that they shouldn't be so. But the work of this surgical set Who carve with great glee every patient they see Brings my soul to the verse of despair. And a tear dims my eye as It draws upon me . That none of my friends is all there. There's Harry, whose sanlle is engaging and kind He had his appendix removed: And .Tom with & throat to mucn soreness Inclined. Had it sliced and was thereby Improved: And Dick has cast parts of hts system away 'Neath the scientist's critical care. And the world that was bright seems de jected and gray. For none of my friends Is all there. They smile and they greet me the same as of yore. But appearance Is all a deceit; And I sit In the shade by the murmuring shore For hours wblle bewailing the cheat. The blossoms by day still are perfumed anJ Kay. And the night wltn the moonlight Is fair. Yet the earth seems an empty Illusion today. For none of my friends is all there.
