THE SUNDAY OKEGOXIAtf, PORTLAND, JUNE 3, 100G.
45
JaV -.Edwin Austin Oliver, Dean of the ' !
aw -r "mmmm.. i-tii;
By Robertas I -ore.
EDWIN AUSTIN OLIVER, who will
attend the fourth annual convention
of the American Press Humorists In
Philadelphia this week, has written more
Jokes than any other man tn the history
of the world. He admits himself that he
has written "about 75,000 Jokes." He Is
the dean of the jokesmlth craft. Let all
other Jokers forever hold their peace!
Mr. Oliver is "The Yonkers Statesman
Man." Practically all of his Jokes have
been unsigned, and the world at large
wots not of his Identity. But his brothor
craftsmen know him and love him well.
To the men throughout the country who
make more or less of a business of Joke
writing, Mr. Oliver is known as "the
father of the conversational Joke." As
he Is unmarried, this form of Joke is his
only child; but its progeny has become
Innumerable; so that the Yonkers bach
elor has more grandchildren, great-grandchildren
and so on than any other man In
history. His Joke-family has Increased
and multiplied the earth, even to the
ultimate ends thereof. Many of his Jokes
have been translated Into German,
KVench, Italian and other tongues, not to
mention the fact that they have been re
published In J&ngland, where they always
require a sort of seml-translatlon because
being American they are not understand
able to the. British mind. And the con
versational Jokes written by the thousand
and one other Jokesters upon the original
Oliver model which was neither patent
ed nor copyrighted well, they reach up
into the millions.
What Is the conversational Joke, does
the lay mind ask? Perhaps the term
needs elucidation, it being a technical ex.
pression known only to the trade. Here
ts a sample of the conversational Joke:
Smith What would you do if you knew
positively thit you were going to die 24
hours from now?
JonesVI'd drop dead at once.
Infinite variations are possible to the
conversational Joke. Sometimes the con-
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN
SELECTED FICTION
THERE Is a swift little river run
ning by the village of Hofbrau,
and on the river is a mill, kept, in
the days of King Rudolf III, by a sturdy
leiiow who lived there all alone. The
King knew him, having alighted at his
house for a draught of beer as he rode
hunting; and It was of him the King
spoke when he said to the Queen: "There
Is, I believe, but one man In the country
whom Osra could not move, and that Is
the miller of Hofbrau." But, though he
addressed the Queen, it was his sister
at whom he aimed the speech. The Prin
cess herself was sitting by. and when she
heard the King she said:
"In truth I do not desire to move any
man. What but trouble comes of it? Yet
who Is this miller?"
The King told her where the miller
might be found, and he added: "If you
convert him to the1 love of woman, you
shall have the finest bracelet In Stre3
lau." "There is nothing, sire, so remote from
my thoughts or desire as to convert your
miller." said Osra scornfully.
And in this, at the moment, she spoke
truthfully; but being left alone for some
days at the Castle of Zenda, which Is
but a few miles distant from Hofbrau,
she found time hang very heavily on her
hand; Indeed, she did not know what to
do with herself for weariness: and so,
for this reason and none other at all. one
day she ordered her horse and rode oft'
with a single groom Into the forest. Com
ing, as the morning went on, to a wide
road, she asked the groom where It led
to. "To Hofbrau, madam," he answered.
"It Is not more than a mile further
on." Osra waited for a few moments;
then she 'said: "I will ride on and see
the village, for I have been told that it
Is pretty. Wait here till I return." And
she rode on, smiling a little, and with
a delicate tint of color in. her cheeks.
Before long she saw the river, and the
mill on the river; and, coming to the
mill, she saw the miller sitting before
his door smoking a long pipe, and she
called out to him, asking him to sell her
a glass of milk.
"You can have it for the asking," said
the miller. He was a good looking, fair
fellow, and wore a scarlet cap. "There
is a pail of it just inside the door behind
me." Yet he did not rise, but lay there,
lolling luxuriously in the sun. For he
did not know Osra, never having been
so Streslau In his life, and to Zenda
three or four times only, and that when
the Princes -swas not there. . Moreover
though this, as must be allowed, is not
to the purpose he had sworn never again
to go so far afield.
Being answered In this manner, and
( the same time desiring the milk, the
Princess had no choice but to dismount.
This she did. and passed by the miller,
pausing a moment, to look, at him with
bright, curious eyes that flashed from
under the brim of her wlde-rlmmed.
feathered hat: but the miller blinked laz
ily up at the sun and took no heed of
her.
Osra passed on. found the pall, poured
out a cup of milk, and drank It. Then,
refilling the cup, she carried It to the
miller. ...
versers are merely "He" and "She," or
"Hubby" and "Wlfey," or "Hobbs" and
"Nobbs, but now and then since the
birth of the Oliver original other Joke
writers have created certain characters,
using them over and over as the vehicles
through which -4o spring upon the unsus
pecting world any Joke that lends Itself
to the conversational form of expression.
Mr. Oliver, for many years, has used cer
tain character-couples which have become
household words. Notablo amongst these
are "Mr. Crimsonbeak' and "Yeast,"
"Church" and "Gotham," and "Patience"
and "Patrice."
It would be difficult to find in the
United States a person who has not read
in some newspaper a Joke credited to
the Yonkers Statesman. Mr. Oliver is
responsible for all of these, and It Is
probable that the exchange 4 editors
throughout the country have clipped more
Jokes from the Statesman than from any
other newspaper.
Annual Output 2500 Jokes.
Edwin Austin Oliver has written from
six t ten Jokes a day, six days a week,
for 29 years, with very little vacation.
His annual output averages 2500 Jokes.
These facts furnish a sufficient reason
for unveiling the identity of "The Yon
kers Statesman Man," now and here first
made public.
Mr. Oliver does not resemble the funny
man of more or less popular tradition. He
shaves regularly and patronizes the hair
cutter at brief Intervals. In the matter
of dress he is something of a Beau Brum
mel. He dresses correctly, though not
flashily. When he attends the annual ses
sions of the American Press Humorists
he takes his trunk (he may have other
trunks at home), though the convention
usually lasts but four or five days. The
Jokesmlth carries clothes suited to every
change of the weather and to every pos
sible "function." At Baltimore. three
years ago, Oliver had a steamer trunk
hauled to his hotel. Strickland W. Gil
lilan, then of the Baltimore American, he
who- wrote "Off agin, on agin, gone agin.
The Indifference of the Miller of Hofbrau, By Anthony Hope
"Will you not have some?" she said,
with a smile.
"I was too lazy to get It," said the mil
ler, and he held out his hand, but did
not otherwise change his position.
Osra's brow was puckered and her
cheek flushed as she knelt down, holding
the cup of milk so that the miller could
reach It. He took and drained It, gave it
back to her, and put his pipe in his
mouth again. Osra sat down by him and
watched him. He puffed and blinked
away, never so much as looking at her.
"What have you for dinner?" asked
she presently. v
"A piece of cod pie," said he. "There's
enough for two if you're hungry."
"Would you not like It better hot?" ,
"Oh, ay, but I cannot weary myself
with heating It."
"I will heat It," said the princess, and.
rising, she went into the house and made
up the Are, which was almost burnt out;
then she heated the pie and set the
room In order and laid the table and drew
a large Jug of beer from the cask. Next
she placed an armchair ready for the
miller and put the jug by It; then she
filled a pipe from the bowl of tobacco
and set a cushion In the chair. And all
this while she hummed a tune, and from
time to time smiled gayly. Lastly she
arranged a chair by the elbow of the mil
ler's chair; then she went out and told
him that his dinner was ready, and he
stumbled to his feet with a sigh of lazi
ness and walked before her Into the
house.
"May I come?" cried she.
"Ay, there is enough for two," said
the miller of Hofbrau without looking
around.
So she followed him in. He sank into
the armchair and sat there, for a mo
ment surveying the room, which was so
neat, and the table so daintily laid, and
the pie so steaming hot. And he sighed,
saying:
"It was like this before poor mother
died;" and he fell to on a great portion
of pie with which Osra had plied his
plate.
When he had finished eating which
thing did not happen for some time she
held the Jug while he took a long" draught;
then she brought a coal In the tongs and
held it while he lit his pipe from it:
then she sat down by him. For several
moments he puffed and then at last he
turned his head and looked at Princess
Osra, and she dropped her long lashes
and cast down her eyes; and next she
lifted her eyes and glanced for an instant
at the miller; and finally she dropped
her eyes again and murmured shyly:
"What Is tt, sir? Why do you look at
me?"
"You seem to be a handy wench." ob
served the miller. "The pie was steam
ing hot. and yet was not burnt; the beer
was well frothed, but not shaken nor
thickened, and the pipe draws well. Where
does your father dwell?"
"He Is dead, sir," said the Princess
Osra, very demurely.
"And your mother?" pursued the miller.
"She also is dead."
"There is small harm In that." said the
miller, thoughtfully: and Osra turned
away her head to hide her smile.
"Are you not very lonely, living here
Com.
Finnlgln," observed the porter carrying
this baggage and turned to the Yonkers
man.
"Oliver." he said, "what in the world
did you bring that steamer trunk for?"
"Well," replied Oliver, "they told me
that Baltimore was a hot town, so I
thought I'd bring my steamer trunk and
let it do the steaming."
It was at this same Baltimore meeTing
that Mr. Oliver received his christening 83
"Father of the Conversational Joke." The
humorists agreed, without a dissenting
vote, that Oliver was the father of that
type of Joke nobody else admitted him
self to be old enough to claim the father
ship and when at tne humorists' ban
quet luncheon in the New Willard Hotel
at Washington, during a side trip to the
Capital City, the Yonkers man modestly
declined to make a speech after nearly
everybody' else present had risen to the
occasion. 3. E. Klser, of the Chicago Record-Herald,
broke forth with the song.
"Everybody Works but Father." Then
"Father" worked his Jaw for two min
utes, and brought down the house with
quakes of laughter.
Talks About Himself.
"Father" Oliver does not reveal his age
in plain figures, nor in looks, for he ap
pears to be about 40; but he has confessed
that he was "just of age" when the con
versational Joke was born, and the files
of the Yonkers Statesman show that this
joke Is now 29 years old. Expert mathe
maticians have been able to approximate
the age of Oliver.
At the Inside Inn in 9t. IjOuis. during
the convention of the humorists at the
World's Fair, a young man from the 9t.
Louis Star approached Mr. Oliver, pad and
pencil poised most menacingly.
"MY. Oliver," said the reporter, "I
have been assigned to interview you. Ah
uh what do. you consider your best
Joke?"
The author of 75,000 jokes, who had for
gotten all of them but the one he was
then germinating, staggered slightly un
der the Impact of this startling query and
all by yourself?" she asked, a moment
later.
"Indeed, I have to do everything for
myself," said the miller, sadly.
"And there is nobody to to care for
you?" '
"No, nor to look after my comfort,"
said the miller. 'Have you any kindred?"
"I have two brothers, sir; but they are
married now, and have no need of me."
The miller laid down his pipe and, set
ting his elbow on the table, faced Princess
Osra.
"H'm." said he. "And is it likely you
will ride this way again?"
"I may chance to do so," said Osra, and
now there was a gleam of malicious tri
umph in her eyes and she was thinking
already how the bracelet would look on
her arm.
"Ah!" said the miller, and after a pause
he added: "If you do, come half an hour
before dinner, and you can lend a hand
In making it ready. Where did you get
those fine clothes?"
"My mistress gave them to me." an
swered Orsa. "She has cast them off."
"And that horse you rode?"
"It Is my master's. I have it to ride
when I do my mistress' errands."
"And will your master and mistress do.
anything for you if you leave your ser
vice?" "I have been promised a present if "
said Osra, and she paused in apparent
confusion.
"Ay," said the miller, nodding saga
ciously, and he rose slowly from the arm
chair. "Will you be in this way again
in a week or so?" he asked.
"I think It Is very likely," answered
Princess Osra.
"Then look In," said the miller, "about
half an hour before dinner." And he
nodded his head again very significantly
at Osra. and, turning away, went to his
work, as a man goes who would far rath
er sit still in the sun. But Just as he
reached the door he turned his head and
asked, "Are you sturdy?"
"I am strong enough, I think," she
said.
"A sack of flour Is a heavy thing tor a
man to lift by himself,' remarked the
miller, and with that he passed through
the door and left her alone.
Then she cleared the table, put the pie
or what little was left In the larder, set
the room in order, refilled the pipe, stood
the jug handy by the cask, and, with a
look of great satisfaction on her face,
tripped out to where her horse was,
mounted and rode away.
The next week and the interval had
seemed long to her, and no less long to
the miller of Hofbrau she came again,
and so the week after; and in the week
following that she came twice; and on
the second of these two days, after din
ner, the miller did not go off to his sacks,
but he followed her out of the house, pipe
In hand, when she went to mount her
horse, and as she was about to mount he
said:
"Indeed, you are a handy wench."
"You say much of my hands, but noth
ing of my face," remarked Princess Osra.
"Of your face?" repeated the miller In
some surprise. "What should I say of
your face?"
"Well. Is it not a comely face?" asked
Orsa, turning toward him that he might
He Has Turned
Jokes in the
is
looked blankly at the form of the young
reporter. Then he replied, solemnly:
"You yourself."
Pressed further, he asked the reporter:
"Where was Moses when the light went
out."
"In the dark," replied the young man,
promptly.
"Well, so am I," said Oliver.
When I called upon the Joke-father in
his sanctum at Yonkers, I found him sit
ting at a table writing his daily batoh of
jokes, which he runs under the head of
"Whim Whams." Mr. Oliver finished a
Crimsonbeak-Yeast effort and submitted
to an interview from a humble infringer
of his unpatented right.
"How did you happen to become a joke
writer?" I inquired.
"When I was a very young boy." said
Mr. Oliver, "my father got the Western
I fever and talked of moving to Kansas. I
was rejoiced at tne idea, and one day
dropped into 'poetry,' something like
this:
" 'Away, away to Kansas!
Then you'll see
Us dance the landers
But not to Tennessee.'
"That may not be epoch-making poetry,
but it made my father and all the house
hold laugh. My father locked the stuff
up in his desk and it was shown to
everybody who happened in. Everybody
who saw the doggerel laughed. Soon
after that I made up my mind that my
mission In life was to try to make people
happy to make them laugh. That Is why
I took up Joke-wrltlng on the side.
How He Makes Jokes.
"I began newspaper joke-wrltlng in 1877,
on the Statesman, and have been at It
ever since. I was at the case learning
the trade of printer. I thought up the
Jokes while going to and from the office,
and at night. My first day I had 14 Jokes
in the paper. Under my heading, 'Whim
Whams," each day I have from six to
ten jokes. I never use a typewriter. Type
writers are pretty some of them but I
have no particular use for them except
bet better able to answer her question.
The miller regarded her for some min
utes, then a slow smile spread on his lips.
"Oh, ay. It is well enough," said he.
Then he laid a floury finger on her arm
and he continued; "If you come next
week liy. It 1j uut half a mile to
church. I'll have the cart ready and bid
the priest be there. What is your name?"
For he had not hitherto asked Osra's
name.
"Rosa Schwartz." she said, and her face
was all alight with triumph and amuse
ment. "Yes, I shall be very comfortable with
you." "said the miller. "We will be at the
church an hour before noon, so that there
may be time afterward for the prepara
tion of dinner."
"That will be on Thursday in next
week?" asked Osra.
"Ay, on Thursday," said the miller, and
he turned on his heel. But in a minute he
turned again, saying: "Give me a kiss,
then, since we are .to be man and wlTe,"
and he came slowly toward her, holding
his arms open.
"Nay, the kiss will wait till Thursday.
Maybe there will be less flour on your
face then." And with a laugh she dived
under his outstretched hands and made
her escape. And, the day being warm,
the miller did not put himself out by pur
suing her, but stood where he was, with
a broad, comfortable smile on his Hps,
and so he watched her ride away..
Now, as she rode, the princess was
much occupied In thinking of the miller
of Hofbrau. Elated and triumphant as
she was at having won from him a prom
ise of marriage, she was yet somewhat
vexed that he had not shown a more pas
sionate affection, and this clouded her
brow for full half an hour. But then
her face cleared. "Still waters run deep,"
said she to herself. "He is not like court
gallants, who have learned to make love
as soon as they learn to walk, and can
not talk to a woman without bowing and
grimacing and sighing at every word.
The miller has a deep nature, and surely
I have won his heart, or he would not
take me for his wife. Poor miller! I
pray that he may not grieve very bitterly
when I make the-truth known to him."
And then, at the thought of the grief of
the miller, her face was again clouded,
but it was cleared when she considered
of the great triumph that she had won,
and how she would enjoy a victory over
the king and would have the finest brace
let In all Streslau as a gift from him.
Thus she arrived at the castle in the
height of merriment and exultation.
It chanced that the king also came to
Zenda that night to spend a week hunt
ing the boar In the forest, and when Osra,
all blushing and laughing, told him of her
success with the miller of Hofbrau. he
was greatly amused, and swore that no
such girl ever lived, and applauded her,
renewing his promise of fhe bracelet: and
he declared that he would hirnself ride
with her to Hofbrau- on the wedding day,
and see how the poor miller bore his dis
appointment. "Indeed. I do not see how you are go
ing to excuse yourself to him," he
laughed.
"A purse of 500 crowns must do that of
fice for me' said she.
"What, will crowns (patch a broken
heart?" - I
Oat About 75,000
Past 29 Years
now and then to talk to them when they
get lonesome, t write my Jokes with a
steel pen,, but I don't steal them. My
ideas seem to. flow more copiously- with
a drop of ink. I often think up my" jokes
in bed, and in church, or at funerals or
just any old place. I write my Jokes in
the morning. After going over my mail
I devote about an hour to my jokes. If
my Joke-works are not working any par
ticular morning, I fall back on a little
book I always carry with me, in which
are 'mems' for plenty of jokes to use
in emergencies.
"I think I- must have written at least
75.000 'jokes in - my life probably more
than that. I contributed at one time to
Puck, Judge. Life and several other pa
pers. " I now write jokes exclusively for
the Statesman, of which I am part pro
prietor. I write jokes because I can't help
It. They come to me, and I must get rid
of them. I get my ideas for jokes from
reading newspapers, from people I meet,
from things I see, and from things which
never existed.
"There Is no special history that I can
narrate about Mr. Crimsonbeak. I want
ed a name which would fit Jokes about
men who look upon the wine when It is
red, when It glveth its color to the pro
boscis. Of course, Rednose might be all
right, but it didn't suit me, So I thought
over the matter until I evolved Crimson
beak. My character of Yeast was sug
gested by a friend whose name was East,
My characters of Patience and Patrice
were taken. from two ladies with whom
I often Joked.- Church and Gotham, of
courseware imaginary residents of Brook
lyn and New York City."
Oliver and Lew Dockstader.
Mr. Oliver related an amusing Inci
dent which he turned to account in
defense of the joke-maker's trade.
Several years ago he was Introduced
a Lew Doojtstader, Just prior to one
of the minstrel's performances. The
night being stormy, there were pros
pects of a poor house. Lew was doing;
some tall thinking, and felt blue. Oli
ver was introduced to him as a news
paper man, and the minstrel opened up
on the newspapers.
"The papers'make me tired," he said.
"They hurt'our business by their con
tinual statements that there Is noth
ing new in minstrelsy. They say the
Jokes one hears at the minstrel shows
were printed in Joe Miller's Joke book,
or were- told further back than that.
The papers ought to stop that kind of
rot. Why, I'll pick up a newspaper
tomorrow morning and I'll see a lot
of Jokes in It a great deal older than
any you ever hear In a minstrel show.
And yet they say the minstrel Jokes
are old!"
Oliver listened patiently to the great
minstrel, who had no Inkling as to his
Identity as the father of the conversa
tional Joke and the papa of 75,000 wan
dering little ones. He felt that Dock
stader was knocking him pretty hard,
and that he ought to try to get back
at him.
"Tell me, Mr. Dockstader," the
anonymous Joke-writer inquired,
"where do you got your jokes from?
You don't originate them, do you?"
"No, not generally. I see a good
thing going about, and I take it, some
times changing it, and use it."
"You get them out of a newspaper
frequency, I suppose?"
"Yes."
"Well, then, tell me, if you get your
Jokes out of the newspapers, and you
say the Jokes the newspapers print are
so old, why In the name of all that's
humorous aren't your minstrel Jokes
old?"
Lew winced a little, but Oliver
made it warm by sitting right down
and writing him, on the spot, three
new jokes which never had seen a
newspaper nor the light of day. He
gave the Jokes to Dockstader, who
sprung them that night on his audi
ence. Jhey "took," and next day Dock
stader sent Mr. Oliver a written for
giveness.
"His broken heart must heal itself, as
men's broken hearts do, brother."
"In truth, sister. I have known them
cure themselves. Let us hope It may be
so with the miller of Hofbrau."
"At the worst. I have revenged the
wrongs of women on him. It is unendur
able that any man should scorn us, be he
king or miller."
"It Is, Indeed, very proper that he should
suffer great- pangs." agreed the king, "In
spite of his plaster of crowns. I shall
love to see the stolid fellow sighing and
moaning like a lovesick courtier."
So they agreed to ride together to the
miller's at Hofbrau on the day appointed
for the wedding, and both of them waited
with Impatience for it. But, with the bad
luck that pursues mortals (even though
they be princes) in this world, it hap
pened that early In the morning of the
Thursday a great officer came riding post
haste from Steslau to take the King's
commands on high matters of state; and
although Rudolf was sorely put out of
temper by this untoward Interruption,
yet he had no alternative but to transact
the business before he rode to the miller's
at Hofbrau. So he sat fretting and fum
ing while long papers were read to him,
and the princess walked up and down the
length of the drawbridge, fretting also,
for before, the king could escape from his
affairs the hour of the wedding was al
ready come, and doubtless the miller of
Hofbrau was waiting with the priest In
the church. And, indeed, it was 1 o'clock
or more before Osra and the king set out
from Zenda,' and they had then a ride of
an hour and a half and all this when
Osra should have been at the miller's at
11 o'clock.
"Poor man, he will be half mad with
waiting and with anxiety for me!" cried
Osra. "I must give him another hundred
crowns on account of it." And she added,
after a pause, "I pray he may not take it
too much to heart, Rudolf."
"We must try to prevent him doing any
mischief in despair," smiled the king.
"Indeed. It la a serious matter," pouted
the princess, who thought the king's
smile out of place.
"It was not so when you began it,"
said her brother, and Osra was silent.
Then about 2:30 they came in sight of
,the mill. Now the King dismounted
while they were still several hundred
yards away, and tied his horse to a
tree In a clump by the wayside, and
when they came near to the mill he
made a circuit and approached from
the side, and creeping along the house
hid himself behind a large water-butt,
which stood just under the window,
and, from that spot he could hear what
passed inside the house, although he
could not see. But Osra rode up to the
front of the mill, as Bte had been ac
customed to do; and, getting down from
her horse, walked up to the door. The
miller's cart stood in the yard of the
mill, but the horse was not In 'the
shafts, and neither the miller nor any
body else was to be seen about, and the
door of the house was shut.
"He must be waiting at the church."
said she. "But I will look in and make
sure. Indeed, I feel half afraid to meet
him." And her heart was beating rap
Idly and her, face was rather pale, as
she walked up to the door, for she
feared what the miller might do- In
the passion of his disappointment on
learning who she was and that she
could not be his wife. "I hope the 600
crowns will comfort him." she said, as
she laid her hand on the latch of the
door; and she sighed her heart being
heavy for the miller, and maybe a lit
tle heavy also for the guilt that lay
on her conscience for having deceived
him. , -
Now. when she lifted the latch and
opened the door, the sight that met
her eyes was this: The table was
strewn, with the remains of a brave
dinner; two burnt-out pipes lay beside
the plates. A smaller table was in
front of the fire: on It stood a very
large Jug. entirely empty, but bearing
slgrs of having been full not so long
ago; and on either side of it. each in
an armchair, sat the priest of the vil
lage and the miller of Hofbrau, and
both of them were sleeping very con
tentedly, and snoring somewhat as
they slept. The Princess, smitten byre
morse at this spectacle, said softly:
"Poor fellow, he grew weary of wait
ing, and hungry, and was compelled to
take his dinner; and, like the kind man
he is. he has entertained the priest
and kept him here, so that no time
should be lost when I arrived. Indeed,
I am afraid the poor man loves me
very much. Well, miller or lord or
prince they are all the same. Heigh
ho! Why did I deceive him?" And she
walked to the miller's chair and leant
over the back of It, and lightly touched
his red cap with her fingers; and he
put his hand and brushed with it,
as though he brushed away. a fly, but
gave no other sign of wakening.
Then the King called softly, from be
hind the water-butt under the window:
"Ts he there, Osra? Is he there?"
"The poor man has fallen asleep In
weariness." she answered. "But the
priest Is here, ready to marry us. Oh,
Rudolf. I am so sorry for what X have
done."
At this moment the miller of Hof
brau sat up In his chair and gave a
great sneeze, and by this sound the
priest also was awakened. Osra came
forward and stood between them. The
miller looked at her, and then he
looked across to the priest and said:
"It is she, father. She has come."
The priest rubbed his hands together
and smiled uncomfortably.
"We waited two hours," said he,
glancing at the clock. See, It Is 8
o'clock now."
"I am sorry you waited so long," said
Osra, "but I could not come before.
And and now that I am come, I can
not " .
"You should have been here at 11.
said the miller. "I went to church at
11, and the. priest was there, and my
cousin Hans to act as my groom, and
my cousin Gertrude to be your maid.
And there we .waited hard on two
hours, and you did not come."
"I am very sorry," pleaded Princess
Osra.
"And now that you Are cjime." pur
sued the miller, scratching his head
again, "I do not know what we are to
do."
At this the Princess Osra. thinking
that an opportunity had come, took
the purse of 600 crowns from under
her cloak and laid it on the table
"What Is this?" said the miller, for
the first' time showing some eager
ness. "They are for you," said Osra, and
she watched him while he unfastened
the purse. 'Ehen he poured the crowns
out on the table and counted them one
by ont-, till he had all told six hun
dred. Then he raised his hands above
his head, let them fall again slightly,
and looked across at the priest.
"I warned you not to be In such a
hurry, friend miller," remarked the
"I waited two hours," said the
miller, plaintively, "and you know that
she is a handy wench and very fond
of me." And lie began to gather up
the crowns and return them to the
purse. , ,j
"I trust I am a handy wench., said
Osra, smiling, yet still very nervous,
"and, indeed. I have a great regard
for the miller, but "
. "Nay. he does not mean you. In
terrupted the priest.
"Six hunnred." sighed the miller,
"and Gertrude has but two hundred.
Still, she is a handy wench, and
very sturdy. I doubt if you could
lift a sack by yourself, as she
can." and he looked doubtfully at Osra s
slender figure. .
"I do not know why you talk or Ger
trude, said the Princess petulantly.
"What is Gertrude to me?"
"I waited two hours." said the miller.
"And Gertrude urged me, saying that you
would not come, and that sne would look
after me better than you, being one of
the family. And she said that it was hard
that she should have no husband, while
her own cousin married a stranger. And
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since It was all the same to me, provided
I got a handy and sturdy wench"
"What! cried the Princess Osra.
"It being," pursued the miller of Hof
brau, "all the same to me, so that I got
what I wanted, why, when ;you did not
come " , .
"He married his cousin," said the priest.
A sudden, loud burst of laughter came
from the window. All three turned round
but the King ducked his' head and.
crouened again nenmu tne water-Duti De
fore they saw him.
"Who was that?" cried the priest.
"A lad that came to hold my horse,'.
answered Osra hastily, and then she -
turned fiercely on the miller.
"And that," she said, "was all yon
wanted. T thoueht vou loved me." .
"Ay, I liked you. very well." said the
miller. . "You are handy " A, stamp
of her foot drowned the rest.
"And this Gertrude is she pretty?" de
manded Osra.
"Gertrude is well enough."--aid the mil
ler. "But she has only 200 crowns." And
he put the purse; now full again, on the
table, with a resigned sigh.
"And you shall have no more!" cried
Osra. snatching up her purse In great
rage. "And you and Gertrude mav " :
"What of Gertrude?" came at this mo
ment from the door of the room where
the sacks were. The Princess turned
around and saw In the doorway a short
and very broad girl, with a very wide
face-and straggling hair. The girl's nosa
was very fiat and her eyes were small;
but her great mouth smiled good-naturedly,
and as tha Princess looked she- let
slip to the ground a sack of flour that
she had been carrying on her sturdy
back.
"Ay, Gertrude is well enough." said tha
miller, looking at her contentedly, vsiia
Is very strong and willing."
There was a crash upon the floor and
the 600 crowns rolled out of the purse and
scattered hither and thither all over the
floor.
"Ah, you are the other girl!" said Ger
trude with much amusement. "And that
was your dowry? Is It large? I am glad
you dtd not come In time. But see. I'll
pick it up for you. Nay. don't take on.
I dare say you'll find another husband."
"Ay. you'll find another husband."" nod
ded the priest encouragingly.
"Ay. you'll find another husband." as
sented the miller, placidly. "And Just as
one girl Is pretty nearly as good as an
other. If she Is handy and sturdy, so onu
husband is as good as another. If he can
keep a house over you."
Princess Osra said nothing. But Ger
trude hnvlna- nlnlral im tha .
" ' n i ' 1 " -v. Liuniis, vtllllBf
to her with a full apron and said:
"Hold up your lap and I'll pour thenl
In. They'll get you a good husband."
- Then Princess Osra suddenly bent anrt
kissed Gertrude's cheek, and she said
gently:
i nope you nave got a good nusband,
my dear; but let him do some work for
himself. And keep the 600 crowns as a
present from me, for he will value you
more with 800 than with 200."
Then she turned to the miller; and sha
bit her lip and dashed her hand onca
across her eyes and said:
"And you. miller, are the only sensibla
man I have found In all the kincdom.
Therefore, good luck and a good wife to
you." And she gave a little short laugh
and turned and walked out of the cot
tage, leaving them all Bpellbound in won
der. One day King Rudolf rode again to tha
miller of Hofbrau, and. having sent for
the priest, told the three enough of the
truth, saying that the affair was the out
come of a jest at court; and he mado
each of them a handsome present, and
vowed them to secrecy by their fealty and
attachment to his person and his honor.
"Then we are but quits, and all 'is well."
said the miller. "Gertrude, the Jug, my
lass!"
And so. Indeed. It seemed to the king
that they were but quits, and he said so
to the Princess Osra. But he declared
that she had so far prevailed with the
miller as to make him desire marriage as
ft whnlesomA nnd useful thlnr in Itaolf
although she had not persuaded him that
It was of great moment whom a man mar
ried. Therefore, he was anxious to giva
her the bracelet which lie had promised,
and more than once prayed her to accept
It. But Osra saw the laugh that lurked.
In the king's eye. and would not consent
to have the bracelet; and for a long tlma
she did not love to speak of the miller of
Hofbrau. Yet once, when the King on
some occasion cried out very Impatiently
that all men were fools, she said:
"Sire, you forget the miller of Hof
brau!" And she blushed and laughed and
turned her eyes away.
In aocordance with Spanish custom. Klnaj
Alfonso will present his bride with her wed
ding dress (which Is being; mads In a Madrid
convent), and five other gowns. Still follow
ing the Spanish custom, the bride will pro
vide all the house linen for her new home.
n
No woman' happl.
ness can be completo
without children ; it
is her nature to love
W 43
and want them
as much so as
it is to love the
beautiful and
C. GEE WO
The Great Chinese Doctor
Entrance 162V2 FIRST STREET
Corner Morrison