-
MR. ADE CONFESSES
HE STARTED OUT
TO REFORM CERTAIN
ABUSES IN EUROPE
SAD CASE OF "OLD !
MAN" W I LLOUG H BY
OF MICHIGAN, CON- I
SUL AT GALLIVANCIA !
He Begins on Our Con
sular Service That Is
Sadly Out of Repair.
Failed Because He Did
Not Know the Artific
ialities of Officialdom.
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND, TMAY 13, 1906.
By George Ade
tt N undertaking a trip to foreign
. I parts I have had two objects in
view:
(a) To strengthen and more closely
cement our friendly relations with
foreign powcrs I to furnish the
' cement.
(b) To reform things in general
over here.
I found that there was no opening
for a real reformer in the U. S. A.,
inasmuch as the magazines were up
setting municipal rings, cornering the
Beef Trust and camping on the trail
of every corporation that seamed to
be making money. I said: "If I
wish to make a ten-strike as a re
former I must seek new fields."
So I decided to flit through Europe
and spend all the time I could spare
from dodging table d'hote dinners to
bolstering up and regulating the con
sular service.
Iu writing today about the happy
experiences of an American Consul I
am following the advice of a friend,
who urged me to send some letters
back home.
"Don't put in too much about your
travels," he said. "People have read
about European travel until they
know Munich better than they do
Montana. Whenever the opportunity
presents itself write something en
tirely irrelevant something that has
nothing to do with anything particu
lar.' The less j-ou say about foreign
countries the better you will please
your readers, and if you can arrange
td write a series of letters in which
no reference is made to either Europe
or Africa who knows but what you
will RcOre a hitt"
With no desire to boast of ray ac
complishments, I feel that up to date
I have followed instructions rather
closely. If any dates, statistics or
useful information have crept into
these- communications it is through
oversight and not by intention.
' In writing from Paris the natural
impulse is to describe Napoleon's
tomb and tell .how the Champs
Elysee runs right out to the Arc de
Triomphe and then cuts through the
Bois. de Boulogne. Fearing that this
subject matter has been touched upon
by other visitors, I shall disregard
Paris and go straight to my task of
reforming the Consular Service.
Toegin with, usually the Ameri
can Consul is all right in his place,
but his place is at home. Overpaid,
possibly, but he does his best to earn
his $SO0 per annum. If he kept all
the money that he handled in the
course of a year he couldn't be a
really successful grafter. He finds
himself plumped down in a strange
country. About the time that he be
gins to learn the language and has
saved up enough money to buy eve
ning clothes he is recalled and goes
back home with a "dress suit" on
his hands. Take the case of Mr.
Ebon Willoughby, of Michigan. It is
a simple narrative, but it will give
you a line on the shortcomings of our
was covmrcouo
Consular Service, and it will carry
it own moral.
"Old Man" Willoughby, as he was
known at home, owned and edited a
successful daily paper on the ' out
skirts of the Michigan pine belt. He
was a wheel-horse in the party and
for 40 years had supported the caucus
nominees. The aspiring politician
who wished to go to Congress had to
go and see Willoughby with his hat
in his hand.. He helped to make and
unmake United States Senators and
was .consulted regarding appoint
ments. But he never had asked any
thing for himself. His two boys went
to college at Ann Arbor; and when
the younger came home with, his de
gree and began to take a hand in run
ning the paper Mr. Willoughby found
himself, for the firstv time in his life;
relieved of wearing responsibilities.
He was well fixed financially and
still in the prime of life not due to
retire permanently, but ready , to take
it easy. . For years he had nursed a
vague desire to travel beyond the
limits of his native land. Mrs. Wil
loughby, who in the home circle was
known as "Ma," was devotee of
the Chautauqua Circle", and she, too,
had an ambition born of much read
ing to pack up and go somewhere.
The family doctor said that a visit to
some milder climate, far from the
rigors of northern Winter, would be
a positive benefit to her.
So Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby began
to study the atlas. One of the sons
suggested to "Old Man" Willoughby
that he could take a trip to an attrac
tive southern country at the mini
mum expense, by securing an appoint
ment as Consul. And, of course, apart
from the financial advantage, there
would be the glory of representing a
great nation and hoisting the Flag
over a benighted foreign population.
The suggestion appealed very strong
ly to Mr. Willoughby. He wrote to
the Congressman and the Senator and
wanted to know if there was a va
cancysalary no object, but he would
like to go into a mild and equable
climate where he could pick cocoa
nuts. His friends at Washington simply
overturned the State Department in
their eagerness to give him what he
wanted. They discovered that there
was somewhere on the map a city
called Gallivau'eia. It was down by
the southern seas the abode of per
petual Summer and already enjoying
a preliminary boom as a resort. The
acting Consul had been a British sub
ject. The pay was so small that no
enterprising American had wanted
the job. "United States Consul at
Gallivancia" reverberated pleasantly
in the imagination of Mr. Willoughby.
He told his friends at Washington to
go after the place, and in less than
no time his daily paper announced
that he, had "accepted" the appoint
ment. The politicians represented to the
State Department that Mr. Willough
by was a sturdy patriot of unim
peachable character and great ability
all of which was true. They might
have added that he would be just as
much at home in Gallivancia as a
What Happened to an American Consul
polar bear would be on India's coral
strand; ' .
'The news of his appointment gave
one section of -Michigan the trembles
for several days, and the Willoughby
family was bathed in a new import
ance, Mrs. Willoughby was given a
formal farewell by the ladies of the
congregation assembled in the church
parlors. Mr.' Willoughby was pre
sented with a jeweled badge by the
HAD
members of his lodge and the band
serenaded him the night before he
went away.
- He and "ma" stood on the back
platform and gazed with misty eyes
at the flutter of handkerchiefs on the
station platform until the train
swung around a curve and they found
themselves headed straight for Galli
vancia and glory. Both of them felt
a little heart-achy and dubious, but
it was too late to back out. -At New
York they boarded a ship and after
several days of unalloyed misery they
landed at Gallivancia.
Now, Gallivancia is the make-believe
capital of a runt of an island
having no commercial or other im
portance. No matter where an island
may . be dropped down, some nation
must grab it and hold it for fear that
some other nation will take charge of
it and pay the expenses. That is why
Gallivancia had a Governor-General
and a Colonel in command, and the
Right Honorable Skipper of the gun
boat and a Judge and a cluster of
foreign Consuls. The men had a club
at which whisky and water could be
obtained, unless the bottle happened
to be empty. The women exchanged
calls and gave formal dinners and
drove about in rickety little victorias
with terrified natives in livery
perched upon the box. The lines of
social precedence were closely drawn.
At a dinner party the wife of the
Governor preceded the wife of the
military commandant, whoT' in turn,
queened it over the wife of the
gunboat, who looked down upon, the
wife ,of the magistrate, and so on.
The women smoked cigarettes "and
gambled at bridge, while every man
who had won a medal at a shooting
match pinned it on his coat when he
went to a ball. " It was a third-rate
copy of court life, but these small
dignitaries went through the motions
and got a lot of fun out of it in one
way and -another. If we cannot afford
a social position that is real ivory
the next best thing is to get one that
is celluloid. It had all the intricate
vices of a true nobility without the
bona fide titles to back them up and
give the glamour.
Into this nest of pretentious, cere
monious, strutting little mortals came
"Old Man" Willoughby and "Ma"
Willoughby, of Michigan." Of the
outward form and artificialities of a
Europeanized aristocratic society
they were most profoundly ignorant.
Mr. Willoughby did not even own a
"dress suit." When he got a clean
shave and put on a string tie and
.TOQO AND.5EE WILLOUGftBY
backed into a "Prince Albert" coat
he felt that he had made a very large
concession to the mere fripperies of
life.. And "Ma" had her own ideas
about low-necked gowns.
Can you see Mr. and. Mrs. Wil
loughby in Gallivancia? Can you
understand what must have been the
attitude of these gold-braid pewees
toward an old-fashioned apple pie
couple from the tall timber?
Mind you, I am not poking fun at
the WiUoughbys. In the opinion of
every real American a man of the
Willoughby type is worth a ten-acre
lot full of these two-by-four titles. The
WiUoughbys were good people the
kind of people one likes to meet
in Michigan. But when the ladies of
the foreign colony came to call on
"Ma" and said "Dyuh me!" and
looked at her through their lorgnettes,
she was like a staid old Plymouth
Rock hen who suddenly finds herself
among the birds of paradise. She told
Mr. Willonghbj' that it was the queer
est lot of "women folks" she had
ever seen, and although she didn't
like to talk about people until she
knew .her ground, some of them did
not seem any more respectable than
the law allowed. Poor Mrs. Wil
loughby ! She did not know it was
good, form for a woman to smoke and
drink, but bad form for her to be
interested in her husband. She tried
to apply a Michigan training to Gal
livancia conditions, ' and the two
didn't seem to jibe.
If Mrs. Willoughby amused the
women Mr. Willoughby more than
amused the men. He upset them and
left them gasping.
The Acting Consul had used a small
office adjoining his own place of
business on the water front. Mr.
Willoughby called on the former
Consul and found him to be a digni
fied Britisher of the gloomy and reti
cent sort, with a mustache shaped
like a horseshoe. The dethroned offi
cial was courteous, but not cordial.
He was saying good bye to some easy
money, and the situation was not one
calculated to promote good cheer.
Mrs. Willoughby 's action in coming
down and pulling the Consulate from
underneath him seemed to him almost
unfriendly. However, he formally
turned over to Mr. Willoughby a
table, four. chairs, several account
books and a letterpress, all being the
property of the ' United , States of
America. - . '
Mr." Willoughby had rented a 'house
on the hill overlooking the tow.n and
decided to plant the Consulate in the
front room of his residence. Inasmuch
as the Consul had a business caller
about once a month, there was no need
of maintaining two establishments.
Already he had taken into his em
ploy and his warmest personal friend-
ship a native named Franeiotto.
This, name seemed formal and hard
to remember, so Mr. Willoughby re
christened him "Jim." He liked this
native in spite of his color because he
was the only man in Gallivancia who
seemed to be pervaded by the simple
spirit of democracy. Mr. Willoughby
said that the others put on too many
' ' darnings ' ' whateveere that may
mean.
If U. S. Consul Willoughby 's so
cial standing in Gallivancia was at
all subject to doubt that doubt van
ished on the day when he and "Jim"
came down, to move the office effects
to the house on the hill.
Mr. Willoughby did something that
day which convulsed Gallivancia as
it never had been convulsed before
not even when a neighboring volcano
blew. off. For days ; afterward the
official set, the men at the little club
and the women pouring tea at each
othertalked of nothing else. Many
would not believe when they first
heard it, but there were witnesses
reliable witnesses who saw the
whole " thing and were . called upon
time and time again to testify re
garding the most extraordinary per
formance of the United States Con
sul. Other Consuls may come and go
and the years spin their weary
lengths and the obliterating drift of
time may . hide some of ' the lesser
events in the history of Gallivancia,
but until time shall be no more the
residents" .of "that ' city will tell the
story of "Old Man" Willoughby, of
Michigan.
What do you suppose he did.? No
effort of the imagination can carry
you within hailing distance of the
horrible truth, so let the suspense be
ended. Mr. Willoughby, ' with his
own hands, helped to move the furni
ture from the old Consulate up to
his new residence. He put the table
on top of his head and balanced it
carefully aid carried it through the
open streets of Gallivancia. An
official, a representative of a great
power, performing cheap manual
labor'.; ... ' . r '
-Words are altogether inadequate to
describe the degree of obloquy which
Mr. Willoughby earned for himself
by ' this unheard - of exhibition. In
Gallivancia it was not considered
auite the thing 'to indulge in mental
effort, and for anyone except a menial
of the lowest social order to pertorm
physical labor was almost inconceiv
able. The new Consul was set down
as either a harmless" imbecile or an
altogether new specimen of barbar
ian. In either case he was not a -fit
associate for well-bred gentlemen,
and Gallivancia proceeded to ignore
him and "Ma." That is.' they pre
tended to ignore them, nit as a
matter of fact they watched them at
a distance and heard daily reports of
their familiarities with servants,
their fondness for outlandish Ameri
can cookerv and other eccentricities.
It was all vastly diverting to the tiny
aristocrats of Gallivancia, but it was
pretty hard on Mr. and Mrs. Wil
loughby homesick, hungry for
Spring chicken and garden truck, and
yet ashamed to pick up and go home
so soon after all those elaborate good
byes. One morning Mr. Willoughby
walked out on the veranda of his
hillside cottage and looked across the
harbor and saw something that smote
him with an overpowering joy. A
white cruiser, flying the Stars and
Stripes, had steamed through the
narrow entrance and was . bearing
down to an anchorage.
'x'Come here, mother!" he shouted.
"Come here, if you . want to see
something that's good for sore eyes!"!'
Mrs. Willoughby came running and
nearly careened with happiness.
There it was, an American war vessel,
with real Yankees on board boys
who had been brought up to believe
that a man's character and his abilities
give him worth which cannot be al
tered by putting a mere handle to his
what Do ."you .suppose, DO?
name. Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby;'
were eager to go down and call on the"
"folks from home." After the pro- '
longed boycott which had been hang-"
ing over them they were pining for -white
society.
Mr. Willoughby put' on his long
black coat and Mrs. Willoughby got '
out her flowered bonnet and together
they wen down to the water front I.
walked instead of going as they
should have gone, in one of the de-
crepit local hacks. Before they could,,
charter a humble rowboat and go out
to the ship the Governor-General and
the Lord High Commander of the
Scow and the Imperial Collector of"
customs and all the other resideuts
of real importance had gone out in a
launch and taken charge of the naval
o2cers. Dinner parties and a ball at
the "palace" were arranged atyonce.
The servant at the club hurried out '
and got another , bottle of Scotch
whisky, and the town band began to ;
mobilize at a cafe. Gallivancia had
no use for a humble American of the "
Willoughby type, but it gave a hys- .
terical welcome to the splendid war '
vessel and the natty men iu uniform. ''
Over the first drink the Americans
ji i. i ji . ! .
writ luiu iuv iKiuHiKuum giury oj. me
new Consul and were assured that he -was
a "queer sort." And the naval '
officers, being accustomed to hearing.,,
United States Consuls maligned, ;
took no further interest in their Gov.- )
ernment's representative; they mere
ly shook hands with him when he . '.
came aboard, told him to make him---,
self at home, and then flocked away;"'
to the high lights and the gaycty- ,
which had been provided for them by -'
the court circles of Gallivancia.
Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby found '.
themselves sidetracked, and they went J
back home not daring to talk about
what had happened. But that was
the day which caused them to decide., ,
to go back to Michigan. Mr. Wil-
lrnchViv u-rntA in Iht RtlitA Dennrt-
ment and said that the climate did
not agree with him. And when they
sailed away "Jim" was the only per-
enn urhrt enme to tho dock to hid them .
troorihv.
O - . ; - -
As the "ex-Consul to Gallivancia"
Mr. Willoughby is more than ever an ;'
honored , figure in his own . town. :
iinnm psq na nflfi more prn v maiTftr.
more Christian eharitv and more ',
1 XI 1 1 1 - T T I' 1..
corse sense tuan cuuiu ue cuuecu vtri v
assembled by all the petty oiticiais at
Gallivancia. And yet Gallivancia re- .
garded him as a very poor excuse for
a Consul. The naval officers saw in
him a well-meaning "jay." who was
bringing discredit on their native laiyl
because of his ignorance of social
forms. . : ; .
Therefore let us send out Consuls
who can put up a "front." Have
each Consul wear the uniform of a
drum major. Make sure that he can'
dance all night, play bridge and keep
up . with the naval crowd when . it
comes to drinking. Let him he
haughty with the serving classes, but
jovial with the military. Make sure
that he is averse to all torms or labor.'
Such a Consul will shed glory upon ,
nni' holnvArl fnnntrv. nnd will never
suffer the unhappy fate of "Old ;
Man" Willoughby. . ;