THE SUNDAY OKEqoSlAy." PORTLAyP. jjrAR.QH 4,
1:45
it
I
ft
T
HE Hon. Bill Sanger. Shorlft ot
Arnlm. replaced his glass on the
bar snd rolled a cigarette.
"Newspapers," lie remarked Bravely,
"is plump valuable. But .sometimes
they print things which cln't nowise
. bn true, and then they print things
which is true, hut which ain't Intended
as such. But they're plumb valuable
anyway yon take it.
"Wo nin't none literary and culti
vated in these parts, except the Mayor,
which can handle a. branding Iron
graceful and puotic, and wc ain't got
much chance to collect any informa
tion which may be wandering around
aimless and unsettled. What we need
all along is a newspapor, and I'll be
, right glnd and Jubilant when I hoar
tlmrc's one a-coming.
"We've got the outfit for a bang-up
paper, all right, which Is some rusty
and battered, but otherwise good, but
wo. ain't had nobody to run It since
. Now York Smith, which could slinjj Ink
J swift and frivolous, but which was
alow otherwise, went out In Sam's
place a couple of years ago. If the man
before Smith his name being Randall
had only held on long enough, tills
town would sure be cultivated and
: knowing by this time. His style was
some high class and dignified, for these
'. jmrts. but he knew politics like he did
, Ills private deck, and he could fan his
..guns speedy and efficient And the pa
1 per he got out kept things woke up
line.
"One day me and the Mayor and a
; lunger named Norton, which had come
to Arnim Just previous. w,as standing
in Sam? place, when the Mayor he got
to talking about what a trouble It was
jo keop cultivated in this here town.
Randall ain't so bud, says the Mayor,
'hut he ain't general enough. He's got
his views, and there ain't nobody tell
ing him nothing. What wc want is
somobody which can write loose and
sy. so as to suit most everybody. Of
course, there's some of the boys which
wouldn't be suited noway, but tne law
abiding citizens of this town wouldn't
stand for no decided expression of
tholr views.'
"The lunger he looks pleased and an
ticipating after the Mayor quits chin
ning, and he says, anxious-like: 'I
ain't never wrote for a newspaper, but
I believe I could do it. I'm pretty well
Informed on political and other sub
jects, and It would kill time at any
rate.'
"Trhon tin Mayor he looks solemn
anil allows it would kill time swift
and easy, and just then there comes a
couple of shotif, aimless and discon
nected, and then about a dozen more,
mostly continuous. The lunger the
wwne being new and skittish jumped
about a foot, hasty and undignified,
and when he comes down he says,
swearing previous and sincere: 'For
God's sake, what was that?'
"The Mayor he gazed regretful and
pathetic at the floor, wjierc the lunger
had spilled his liquor when he jumped.
, and. he says, cold and reproving: There
ain't ho call for strong language or ex
citement. The Arnim Weekly Conserva
tive has just about come out. and I
Judge by the signs that the personal
column is some pointed and entertain
ing. "The lunger didn't sny nothing, only
reached sort of aimless and wander
ing for the Mayor's glass of red-eye,
which was removed sudden and point
ed, and when the boys brought In Jim
Hicks, of the bar-circle ranch him
that the personal had been about the
lunger fainted clean away, and there
was a lot of good red liquor sluiced
around external and careless before
lie come to. And he didn't say any
thing after that about writing loose
and easy for the boys, even when Ban- j
dall went out sudden and unexpected in '
his office, having shed his hardware,
casual and uncxpectlng, to case his
hip.
"I'm remembering, along of this talk
about newspapers and such, when
Baldy Wilson, which Is the headquar
tors for hardware and things, come
back to town one time and brought a
lot of newspapers to distribute, friend
ly and Impartial. They was mostly
about the Republican convention
round-up in Chicago. It having come
oft Just previous, and I ain't never
made up my mind since whether them
papers was received or whether they
Just lied easy and uncaring. Anyway,
wo was sitting in Sam's place the next
day reading, when Jim Hicks the same
which was fanned by Randall Jumps
up and says, loud and racuous: 1 ain't
going to read no more of that. I'm sure
fond of a man which can stretch his
tongue smooth and entertaining, but I
NEWSPAPERS AND THEIR USES
REMIND HON. BILL SANGER
OF JOURNALISTIC VENTURES
IN ARNIM AND THE RESULTS
TALKING TOO .MUCH .MAKES
ain't standing for no regular liar. That
paper says this man Roosevelt got the
drop on about a thousand delegates to
this here Republican convention round
up all of them being dead set against
him and made them step to music,
brisk and enjoying. That's sure plumb
foolishness. I ain't got to remind you
all about Red Thompson, which tried
to keep 24 of the boys covered while ho
backed out of Sam's place one night.
Why, when they come to plant Red It
took eight men to fole the coffin he
was carrying so much lead with him.
And he was considered a good man In
these parts.
'The Mayor tasted his liquor critical
and observing the same being plumb
strange and unusual and he says, ar
guing and persuasive: You mean all
right. Jim. but you ain't got the right
Idea. That paper didn't mean that this
man Roosevelt got the drop on the
whole outfit sudden and collective.
That wouldn't be by no means possible.
He just done like Rogers, of the Cir
cle outfit, when he was elected Mayor
the time before me him being the
first the town owned. You wasn't here
then, which Is indicated by your re
marks. Rogers was sure unpopular
with the boys, and even his friends
was some cautious and observing when
they was In his vlclnjty. He wasn't a
bad man according to his lights, but
he sure was frisky and impulsive, and
when he cut loose with his hardware
he always got something. Sometimes it
was the Inan he went after, but like
as not it was a cayuse ori friend or
an Innocent spectator he was that
general and comprehensive when ho
got settled down to his work. Anyway,
the beys didn't lope around after Rog
ers much, and one day when he got
them all in Sam's place and said he
thought the town needed a Mayor and
that he'd be it. they Jus't naturally was
rude and scornful.
"Rogers he didn't say nothing, nor
argue none, but the next day he met
one of the boy3 ambling along alone,
and he says, handling his armament
casual and flippant. 'Bill, I want to talk,
to you, 'cause I'm sure you've change J
youi mind since last night. Thospan of
human life is some brief and uncertain,
and you ain't the kind of a man to go
out knowing you ain't done your duty
by your town. Of course, there ain't
no possibility of you're going out sud
den and unexpected." he says, prodding
Bill in the ribs, facetious like, with
his forty-four, "but I thought Td Just
talk to you and see if you hadn't re
considered. I'd like to be Mayor, Bill,"
he says, prodding him superfluous and
familiar, "and T4 mighty like to have
your vote. Of course, I ain't glp to
urge you none, but I'd sure like to see
you come around."
"'Bill he reconsidered a minute, and
said he ?u8Ml he'd, coae arousd all
RIFF
SOME FKOI'LK UH-IOUS.
rigut and that there weren't anybody
ho'U rather see Mayor than Rogers,
and Rogers jie went along and had a
little talk with another one of the boys.
When election day come around Rog
ers was sure popular, and there wasn't
nobody voted against him. none to
speak or.'
The Mayor looks at Hicks, but
Hicks was grinning, sareastfc and an
noying. And the Mayor resumes, pa
tient and loquacious. Says he: YoualI
iiaxe heard of old man Jackson, which
was a sure enough cow gentleman In
his day, but which went out In bed
gradual and unpleasant, before most of
you drifted to these parts. Old man
Jackson was a whole lot married the
same having begun when he was young
and frivolous and the boys which
worked for him there was eight or
nine If I'm remembering correct was
plumb edified and encouraged moat
every day by the way old man Jackson
circled tne corral when his wife was
feeling like a little diversion. The old
man didn't seem to mind the boys
knowing -about these here little do
mastic riffles, out when they got to
talking to their friends free and en
tertaining about the way the old lady
made him step to music, and how he
dodged the coffee pot and flap-jack
pan. plumb- regular and expert, he got
real peevish and irritated. But he knew
these here cow gentlemen which
worked for him and he didn't put up
any four flush which couldn't be
played.
" 'lpt a couple of days after he'd
heard about the way the boys was talk
ing, he meets one of them drifting
along by himself and he said to him.
playing with his hardware casual and
abfent-llke: "Jim, Mrs. J. is some tcm
perous when she's feeling that way:
ain't she?
"Mim cleared his throat a couple of
times, and allowed he hadn't noticed
It himself, but had heard It said that
she might be a little bit inclined that
way.
'""Pretty fine gift, don't you think
so, Jim?" asks old man Jackson, pok
ing tlje muzzle of his Colt, easy and
punctuating, against Jim's waistband.
""It sure Is." says Jim, plumb en
thusiastic and sincere.
"'"I scamper around some playful
and amusing when she's on the war
path, though, don't I Jimr says old
man Jackson, amiable and grinning.
"""I sure ievcr noticed it," says
Jim. earnest and convincing.
"'"And I can dodge coffee pots and
things plumb clever and artistic, can't
I, JimT asks old man Jackson, poking
Jim in the ribs, friendly and Intimate;
with bis scent sprinkler.
"'"I ain't heard you ever tried,"
responds Jim, sweating free ana' c&n
Uhuou. " "Ana, ot course, says old
-
Jsckson, tickling Jim under the chin
with a nine-inch barrel, "you wouldn't
ever say anything different from what
you believe, would you, JimT'
-""Not me," says Jim, Impressive and
solemn, ""you know me better than
that." t
"'"Because." say's old man Jackson,
smiling and polite, "they say that talk
ing too much makes some- people' bil
ious. Why. it might make you sick,
Jlra! Just think of that! Why. it might
make you real sick. Jlm! .Why, "Jlm.
you might even go pass out, sudden and
unexpected!"
"Well. Jim ho lopes off and old man
Jackson he catches up with the rest of
the boys and talks to them all- that
way. There wasn't anybody working
for -him that- spread news around son
eral and promiscuous after that, and
everybody got along fine.' -
"Mcaping which' asks Hicks,
plumb rude and disagreeable.
"'Meaning.' replies the Mayor, slow
and pointed, 'that this here Roosevelt
person may have mcj. tip with Rogers
or old man Jackson and learned their
methods. I allow he performed ac
cording to schedule.'
"Then Hicks he says he don't bo
Hcvc that Rogers. Roosevelt and Jack
son ever performed as related, and
that the Mayor Is a liar. When Hicks
gets out he says he's going to investi
gate the subject and report. Which is
fine. In the meantime I'm remarking
again that I'd be some glad and joy
ous if a newspaper would settle In
these parts. It's plumb difficult to keep
cultured , this way." Copyright, 1D05,
by Irving C Norwood.
SIX YEARS IN
THE UNITED STATES
SENATE
(Continued from Page 41.)
and filed his answer. This was an
elaborate document. Each article of
the Impeaohment was specifically an
swered. The answer did not deny the
removal of Secretary Stanton and lit
appointment of General Lorenzo
Thomas as his successor, but Justified
these acts by stating In detail the cir
cumstances under which they were
made and affirmed, the constitutional
right of the President to perform those
acts, and alleged further that they
were in accordance with the estab
lished usages of the Government. The
question ns to the validity of. the ten
ure of office set was also raised. The
managers for the liousc filed a formal
replication to the answer. Mr. Evarts
then moved that the President nave
30 days In which to prepare for trial.
This was resisted by the managers,
and after considerable debate it was
ordered that the trial proceed on" the
30th ol March. 1S6S.
General Butler's Opening Speech.
On that day the mannf-crs ami counsel
for the defendant appeared, and the open
lug speech for the prosecution was made
by General Butler. He occupied threo
hours In its delivery. He argued first
that the Senate sitting to to- the Presi
dent upon articles ot Impeachment was
still a Senate, and not a court, and re
ferred to- precedents in the British Par
liament. He then discussed- the constitu
tional right of the President as to ap
pointments and removals front office.
Then he took up the tenure of office act
and Its violation by the President, going
into' a history of the act and the conduct
of the President with reference thereto,
and closed by a scathing arraignment of
the President for his disgraceful speeches
and conduct in "swinging around the cir
cle." He submitted a definition of a hjsh
crime or misdemeanor prepared by Judge
Lawrence, of Ohio, as follows: "One in
its nature or consequences subversive of
some fundamental or essential principle
Lof government or highly prejudicial to the
public Interests, and this may constat nf
a violation of the constitution, of law, or
an official oath, or of duty by an act
committed or omitted or without violat
ing a positive law by the abuse of dis-
crctionary powers from Improper motives
or for an Improper purpose." When Gen
eral Butler had concluded his speech, the
managers proceeded to produce their evi
dence, which consisted largely of docu
ments, records and papers ami the tes
timony ot witnesses to identify them. It
took the managers from March 31 to
April 9 to put In their evidence.
Soon after the trial commenced a dis
pute arose as to whether or not when
objection was made to the admissibility
of evidence the Chief Justice should de
cide the question or whether ft should be
decided by a vote of the Senator. After
some discussion, it was ml oil that the
Chief Justice In the first Instance should
decide, with the right of any Senator to
call for a vote of the Senators. When
any question arose during the progress
of the trial it could be argued by the
counsel of the respective parties, but no
dobatc upon it was allowed to Senators,
and as a general rule when a question
of that kind was to be passed upon by
the Senators they retired to the confer
ence room, where they could consult with
out publicity to their discussions. When
the evidence for the prosecution was
closed Benjamin R. Curtis, ex-Justice of
the Supreme Court, who delivered the dis
senting opinion In the Dred Scott case,
opened the case for the defendant. He
analyzed the tenure of office act. and
contended that Secretary Stanton was not
within Its provisions, that the President
had a right under the constitution ot the
United States to remove the Secretary,
hod took up each one of the articles of
the Impeachment, dissected It and claimed
that no Impeachable offense was described
in any of them. His speech was an able,
ingenious and strong presentation of the
President's side of the case, and occupied
about four hours in Its deliver".
This subject will be continued.
GEORGE H. WILLI AM 3.
The Secret of Content.
It lrn't what a MIow has tht dot htm
wiih content.
That pull him In that frame of mind where
Joy aad peace are Went.
And makes blm feel that recompensed are
icofe who plan and strive:
That lie'. In truth, well fattened, and clad
that he's alive.
It Ua't money stored in-baak. there .-placed
to" bis account.
It !n't roorl3s he holes, of fabtitetis
amount:
Nay, none of the aheatbe worry's thorax
a down life' path we Jaunt
It Isn't what a fellow ha, but what be
doesn't want! ,
Though wandering feet may b a curse, far
more are Itching bands
That srasp. but never aalUfy. their craving.
and demands.
Though rolling stone acomulate but very
little moss.
Tbey don't, like avaricious pa Ira. keep
inarUng- at their lot.
And so. the man of modest wants who keeps
desire curbed
Strolls lde by side with happiness when
other walk, perturbed.
Fossexslon ne'er makes man Immune, of cares
that alege or haunt
It Un't what a fellow baa. but what he doesn't
want!
If one' by with and want Imbued- his dan
will all be spent
In futile spurts upon lire road to overtake
content.
If one dtres modest be he'll And them
all supplied
And be a constant "Sunny Jim." with life
well sari fled;
It isn't bonds that make for fhetr, nor otecic
that peace supplies.
It Isn't silver pleasure brings, nor gold con
tentment buy.
It Isn't bask cr treasury notes, though fix.
ful you may flaunt
It Un't what a fellow has. but what h
!oeent waatt
Roy Farrell Greene la LeslU'a Weekly.
A Prescription for the Blues.
The Pacific Sportsmen.
Life ain't nothln bat a Joke,
If you take it right;
No nutter If you're Both or broke
There's always Joy In light.
Don't you c4gh don't yon cry,
Juh laugh asxt let er slide
Tor ererythlsg will be all right
On
Th.
Other . -
-
I'VE BEEN THINKING
Puffer's Great Success.
THE editor was getting up his
-Christmas issue, or. to be more ex
act, hb was thinking of getting it Up,
and as he lolled lazily In his
hammock arid watched the shadows
of the July clouds chasing each
other over .the, "distant hills he
wondered whoCher he could not strike
a new note in' Christmas Issues some
thing that would appeal to every man,
woman and child in the land and cause
them to tumble over - each other in
their eagerness to buy hl3 magazine.
The shadows lengthened In the
grass, the hum of the insects lost' the
help of the bees, who had ceased their
work and gone to rest, and from the
house within came the tldkle of a
silvery bell that told him supper was
served.
But he did not move, and at last his
wife came to the door, and. fanning
her face with her apron, said: "John,
everything is getting hot from stand
ing. Do come in."
He bounded from his hammock.
"I have it. Mary, dear! I have It!
I will have a Christmas Issue that will
leave all others In the rear. It will
be the first of Its kind, and I fully ex
pect our sales to be Increased a hundred-fold."
And then he told her of his scheme.
"We will bring out the magazine on
Christmas eve. and from beginning to end
there will not be a single mention ot
Christmas except on the cover."
"Well, but people will be expecting
Christmas stuff."
"What! Expecting?. Yes; they will be
expecting It. You're right; and that's
where we'll win. They won't get It.
They will have had Christmas Issues from
early In November, and when they realize
that they can spend the 23th of December
reading a magazine that has absolutely
no hint of an overworked holiday In It
they will buy It and send It to their
friends all over the world. Fold me to
your bosom, little wife, for I have at
last hit on a money-maker!"
His little wife folded him to her bosom,
but It was such warm weather that ho
asked her to unfold him. and she un
folded him right away, because the way
they preserved harmony in the. family
was by minding each other at once, al
ways. Next day he wont to the hot city and.
told hi associates or his plan and they
were aghast.
"W-h-a-t! said they. "Nothing about
little tots and their stockings? Not a
word as to the origin of the Christmas
legend? Nothing about the genial. Jovial
old saint? No Dickens story rehashed?
No peace and good-will by the yard? Not
a yule log nor a reference to mistletoe
and the old maid aunt? Why. Puffer,
you're daffy!"
But if Puffer was daffy he was also edi
tor, and what he said went.
Oh. how happy the typesetters were
when they learned that they would have
to spell Christmas but once!
Ami If they were Imppy. think how more
than Itappy the poets were who were told
"that no stuff would be accepted that
hinted at the glad season, and that stock
ings were barred, whatever their pattern.
And the sketch and story writers. They
came to Mr. Puffer with tears in their
eyes ami said to him; "You have saved
oar lives. Now we can write with en
thusiasm. Wc had begun to hate Santa
Clans and weTbated to hate.hlm. for he is
such a nice okl 'bellow; but we have had
to ring so many changes on him that the
sight of a snowy beard and ruddy cheeks
makes us pessimistic."
And the artists. Really It was hard to
j,top tMe artists from drawing chimneys
ami reindeers. The announcement that a
Christmas number was on the stocks had
always meant so many prancing der and
so many barefooted, nlghtgowned tots, and
more than one artist turned in pictures of
mhl-Summer sheep warming their fleeces
at yule logs Instead of gamboling on sun
ny hillsides.
And the public. Well. It was even a3
Mr. Putter laid prophesied. At first they
w6uld not believe that there was such a
magazine, and ao they bought It to make
sure, And it was full of stories about
every day In the year but Christmas, and
the cover had clover and clematis on It,
and little naked boys In swimming under
a Summer sky. Oh. it was a great suc
cess, and for seven days the printing of it
went on. and whn New Year's day came
Mr. Puffer pot a six months' leave of ab
sence ami went with his wife to travel In
foreign lands, and when they returned
they found out that every editor In Amer
ica' had taken a leaf out of Mr. Puffer's
book ami was going to bring out a
Christmas-less Christmas number.
So Mr. Puffer laid low and said noth
ing to his brother editors, but. being now
a very rich man. he Invited a large num
ber of writers ami artists up to his Sum
mer place, and told them to write when
they pleased and draw when they pleased,
but to try to bend their energies to the
making up of the only Christmas magu
zino in America.
And taking it that way In the middle
of Summer in a delightful plnee. they
found they could think df Christ mas "with
out dlstate. and they set to and planned
the best Christmas number that had ever
been thought of.
And now the public prints contained no
mention of Christmas, and people began
to sort of yearn for the pretty stories
and the Wintry yule-loggy pictures, and
by the time Christmas day came they
were positively hungry for them.
And that is why Mr. Puffer's Christmas
Issue, full of Christmas stories and pic
tures, beat all records. Its circulation was
only five or six short of sixteen millions.
And Mr. Puffer made so much money
that he and his wife have been traveling
ever since, and they always spend Christ
mas In the city where St. Nicholas was
born, and they hang up their stockings
and go through the motions and emotions,
because there's a good deal In that Christ
mas spirit, if you don't get too much of It.
What Is a New Yorker?
CHILD Papa, what is a New York
er? Papa My child, a New York
er is one who lives in New York who
has his residence there. A New York
er may bc.a Chinaman from Pell street,
or a Polish Jew from. RIvIngton street,
or a Syrian from Washington street,
or an Italian from the Italian quarter,
or a Greek or Jap or Swede or any na
tionality at all. provided he lives in
New York City.
Ch!ld-Well. suppose a Russian lives
in Brooklyn.
Papa He is a New Yorker.
Child Well, if a Portuguese lived in
the Bronx?
Papa He would be- a New Yorker.
Of course, my child, in si large sense,
all inhabitants of the State of New
York are New 'Yorkers, but, generally
spcaking. by the term New Yorker Is
meant one who lives in the City of
New York, and that Is why a China
man out on Staten Island is a New
Yorker.
Child Papn. does a man have to be
a foreigner In order to live In New
York?
Papa What a question, my child.
Of course not. Thero are many living
in New York whose nativo language
is English.
Child Oh. they were born there?
Papa Not necessarily. Some were
bom In Great Britain and Ireland and
some ia the British possessions, but
they all speak English and they live In
New York and are New Yorkers.
Chili Then if I understand you
laricht, my dear father, a man who
BY CHARLES BATTE.LL LOOMIS
lives in New York and who speaks
English must have been born either In
Great Britain, Iroland orsomewhera
In the British possessions.
Papa Not at all. There arc native
Americans who speak English and who
live in New York.
Child And whero are they from?
Papa Some were born in New Eng
land, some on the Pacific Coust, some
in the Middle West, and some in the
South.
Child Then they are the real Now
Yorkers.
Papa Not necessarily. Any. anan who
llx-es" In New York for. any length of
time becomes a New Yorker.no mat
ter where he may have been born.
When he travels he registers from
New York.
- Child Is it In the air?
Papa It is In the air. The West
erner despises New York until he has
made a fortune, and then he comes to
New York to spend it. and after thnt
he Is a New Yorker. The Southerner
who has come to New York to live may
say that he was born In the South, and
If he doesn't his tongue will do It for
him. but he glories In being a citizen
of New York. The New Englunder
feels that he has honored New York
by coming to it. and that without him
New York would not amount to much,
but he, too, signs his name in the reg
ister as from New York.
Child How about the Jcrseyman,.
papa?
Papa The Jerscyman is an alto
gether different proposition. Six Jer
seymen out of ten do business in New
York, and of those six five were born
in Brooklyn when she was just Brook
lyn. The Jcrseyman Is not, strictly
speaking, a New Yorker. If Now
York s In disgrace he thanks his stars
that he spends his nights in another
state, but If New York wins he pats
himself on the back and says, "I'm
here most of my waking time." The
Jerseyman also is sorely tempted to
sign his name as from New York when
he Is out In Chicago, for instance, and
when he is In Europe he does do It.
Child Well. papa, you have told mo
about foreigners who were New York
ers, and about English-speaking peo
ple who were New Yorkers, and about
Americans who were New Yorkers, but
I want to know if there couldn't be a
more perfect kind of New Yorker than
any of these one who was born In
New. York and who spoke English?
Papa Why. yes. my child; there are
thousands born in New York who
speak English. They are hard and
fast New Yorkers. Their parents were
Germans and Italians and Frenchmen and
Jews and Greeks, but they were born In
New York and they speak English.
Child Then. papa, they are the real
New Yorkers, aren't they?
Papa Well. I believe that they are
considered to be the most patriotic
New Yorkers because their New York
ism is so new; but. my nhild. In this
city of which we are speaking, this
city of nearly four million inhabitants,
there Is a little class, without much In
fluence, to be sure, Jjut still self-respecting
and respected .by others, a
mere handful. It Is true, butfvery In
telligent handful.
Child And who are they, papa?
Papa They, my child, are the native
American New Yorkers, whose parents
and grandparent." and great-grandparents,
to the third and fourth generation, were
born and brought up In New York.
Child And. who always SRokejEnslish?
Papa Well. no. They spoke Dutch origi
nally but they have spoken English long
er than the majority of the rest. Those
arc the real New Yorker.
Child I never heard o them. Where
do they keep themselves?
Papa One of them Is the-President or
the United Slates. t
Child Oh, yes. of courso;- & he Is a
Simon-pure New Yorker?
PapaWell, no: come to think of It. he
Isn't, because I believe, his mother was
a Southerner.
Child Well, do the Simon-pure New
Yorkers sign their names as from New
York?
Papa Yes. my boy. they d6. and they
would like to be able to sign In a special
colored Ink to make it more emphatic.
Child Well. papa. I suppose that If
they could ha'e.kept out the foreigners
and the EihiHsh-speaklng aliens and the
Yankees and the Southerners and the
Westerners, and just left New York for
the real born and bred New Yorkers. New
York would be even greater than it is?
Papa No. no. my boy. No - city ever
gets to the top of the pile unaided. It
Is because of all these people who have
come In to show New York now to mis
govern Itself tlfat she is the greatest city
on the Western Hemisphere and is des
tined to be the greatest city that the sun
ever shone upon, i
Child And what will become of the real
New York New Yorkers?
Papa They will disappear after a while.
Child Why, papa?
Papa Because It is getting to be
fashion to be born in the country.
Chlld-Ohl
the
Will the Time Kver Come?
OW is the time of year when.
N
Chnueer sakl. "longen folk to gon on
pilgrimages," and these good Americans
go abroad and visit strange lands.
And some of them never forget thnt
they are good Americans, but proclaim it
wherever they go. so that the foreigner
laughs In his sleeve and says. "There are
those boastful Americans again. Me
thinks they do protest too much."
If you are sure deep down in your
heart that on the whole you belong to a
country that Is a l;ctle the best on earth,
you will do well to say nothing about It
while you are abroad.
Just act so well that perfection of man
ners will come In time to mean some
thing distinctively American, and then,
when the foreigner sees a sober, well
behaved, kindly man walking along the
streets of his town he will soy. "Ah. it
Is easy to see he is an American. There
arc no people in all the world as fine as
they not even my own countrymen."
Semi-Nudity In the Wroiifr Place.
1 OFTEN wonder what would happen if
some pf the ladles who unblushingly
meet our gaze in the advertising sections
of our best magazines, and who dress no
more warmly In Winter than in Summer,
were to invade the body of their respect
ive publications.
I think that there would be a general
rush for the tall timber on the part of
the self-respecting heroes and heroines
and general utility men and women of tie
stories, because the standard of proper
dressing is yery different in the first 100
pages of the magazine from what it Is in
the remaining 250.
In the matter of language I think that
the general average 13 higher in the ad
vertising sections, because dialect Is prac
tically unknown there, but the way the
ladies (don't) dres3 would be. enough to
cause a flutter in the pages of the most
unconventional story that one could find
In a reputable magazine.
No one ever seems to be shocked at see
ing ladles walking around in the adver
tising sections in patent underwear, and
perhaps no one ought to be shocked un
less it 13 bachelors but suppose you read
In a serial ot Howells that "Anna, Ham
lin was in no danger from pneumonia be
cause she always wore common-sense
wearing apparel underneath that which. Is
visible to the outer world" (see how care
fully one has to express himself in (ho
body of a magazine?! and a picture ot
Mis Hamlin were inserted at that place,
oae taken from tfea advertising section
and with which the whole reading public
Is familiar; Wljat a chorus of indignant
protests 'Would go up from outraged read
ers at the vulgarization of the magazine.
I tell you ,that circumstances will con
tinue to alter cases whenever they can
that's what, circumstances are for. and if.
an impudent young hussy strays in from
the advertising-pages and dares to stand
for Anna Hamlin she will be shown her
place, at once because trie" .American puB-lle-wiir
notr stand for anything vulgar.
No, Indeed!
What would, happen if another leading
novelist said In the course ot his serial
"that Grace Hastings attributed her good
health -tb -the fact that she always, took a
cold bath every morning," and the art
editor in order to save expense put in
that familiar cut of a lady bathing in the
Jinkins' Portable Celluloid Bathtub?
Why. Anthony-'Comstock would foam at
the mouth. And rightly so. But weare
all so grateful at the absence, of dialect
In the advertising sections Of our maga
zines Unit we let that lady ,stand in her
tub throughout the 12 months., without
uttering a word of protest.
When I was a child I waa-taught that
it was not nice to speak about corsets. If
I had to mention -them r must call them
bodices or stays or I forget what the
third alternative was. I. know I used to
go into the backyard and holler "corsets'
just because 1 thought it was pretty aw
ful. But our advertising men havo changed
all that. They not only" talk about cor
sets, but they show us pictures of them,
and, to go still further, they show us pic
tures of them In use.
The old convention as to the mention
of corsets has also disappeared from fic
tion, and one might easily como across
such a sentence as this: "Miss Postle
thwalte had a wasp-like waist, and there
were not wanting those who said her cor
sets caused her agony."
But what would happen if a picture of
Miss Postlethwalte's boudoir were shown
with rouge et nolr (for the cheeks and
eyebrows) on her bureau and she herself
fitted Into one of 'Huggem's papier-mache
corsets?
I know I'd stop my subscription at once.
Suppose, for an Instant, that an artist
were told to go to the Metropolitan Opera
House and draw a picture of the four hun
dred In their boxes, six in a box. making
something like 67 boxes with the lids off.
Suppose that Instead of drawing them In
proper evening dress a dress requiring
S5 degrees Fahrenheit he used a lot ot
pictures from the advertising section apd
put them in Jigger flannels, would he keep
his position on the staff a moment? No.
of course not. That would be a caso
where to put on more clothes would be to
spoil the picture, and no one would rec
ognize the four hundred at an opera with
arctic habiliments upon them. An artist
must be true to nature and he must not
be vulgar.
Nothing Is more confusing to a person's
sense of propriety than to turn quickly
from the advertising section to the body
of the magazine and back again as I have
seen persons do. The mental picture of
the young lady who Is braving the weath
er for the sake: of showing that a bath
tub can be ornamental as well as useful is
tlansferred to the bucolic New England
story and we Anglo-Saxons are shocked.
There is no other name for it. It is very
dcmoralizlng to turn the pages rapldly
back and forth. One should read the
stories first and take comfort in the
thought that no decent editor will allow
any artist to picture any kind of vcstl
ture that would not go at Asbury Park.
Then let him brace himself and turn the
leaves that lead to the tropic ladles. It
Is still Anglo-Suxon, but It is advertising,
and the conventions are different in that
world.
A friend of mine who has no regard far
people's feelings actually cut out a num
ber of the advertisements In tho back Of a
magazine that has led us on to a higher
civilization for 50 years or more, and when
I saw he had done it I applauded him. I
said, "Good, old man; they're better out."
But the graceless chap with diabolical in
genuity fitted each flannel lady and each
custodian of the bath Into drawing-rooms
devised by the staff artists of that mag
azine, and I blushed for a good half hour.
We Americans will not stand for semi
nudity In the wrong place. It's all very
well at the opera or at a ball or a swag
ger dinner, but in the body of a reputable
magazine the day will never come when
It will be considered respectable. And
the advertisers themselves will be the flrgt
to agree with me. t
Back to your celluloid tub, oh. lady of
the bath! We who are reading these"
rials will not look upon you. -
Don't Be a Dowdy.
RE you dowdy?
If you are not, don't read this at
all, but If you are, take my advice
and secure- a full-length photograph ot
yourself and study it. What mayhave
escaped your attention in your own
small mirror will be brought home to
you in a portrait. Ask your friends
if yon are dowdy, and If they hesitate,
even for a moment, in answering you,
you are.
Having found out that you are
dowdy, the next thing to do is to stop
being dowdy.
If you are married, stop it because
your husband doesn't like It.
If you are single, stop it because tha
young mch of your acquaintance don't
like It.
I can't tell the difference between a
bolero and a polonaise: I am not an
expert In feminine sartorial terminol
ogy, but I can tell a dowdy woman a
block off and so can every other Amer
ican man.
It is just as much an affront to your
family to be dowdy as it Is to serve
uninteresting dinners. Let your food
be plain if need be, but let it be some
thing that attracts the attention of
the tongue and causes it to telegraph
pleasant news to the stomach.
So though your clothes be plain and
inexpensive, make them interesting.
If you have been married for some
time and have always been dowdy,
you will be surprised to see how the
change in your get-up will affect your
husband. He will begin to take notice
and will tell you you're growing
young again.
Get together in this, oh women, and
the dowdy will become as extinct a3
the dodo.
Bound to Win Yet.
Cleveland Leader. ' f
There Is a sone that no one else has writ.
I know, but cannot fashion it
Not yet perhaps, some time,
I'll get tho rhyme
And quit,
V
I've started it a hundred times. I. think. '
Grandly and then, ere one could, wink.
The inspiration's gone , "
The songs In on
The blink! F .
How things start well, but aomehowmisa
Connections like a girl's first kiss
i Start with a mighty shout, '
Then peter out
Like this!
Ten syllables, a sonnet to begin.'.
Eight In the next, a metric sin.
Then six who would have known' "
It could have grown- ' "
So-thln? r
But, s.y!
One- of these, times
I'm gobs? to switch tha rhymes
AroHml. by George, tha. othr way
Start Mttle aad. Mil big I will, some sy
r