ITHE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, OCTOBER i, 1905.
40
' SEGREHAJCf THE, CU3TCDIAAT9 QF
CJSFE5bED IHEFTc3 FRA.THE GVERAIMT
I IWWIHI 111 iMssMP IIIWIMIW i I I I I i vm r V'
HKIMU i HI ,a
WASHINGTON. D. 0. September
25. Special Correspondence of -The
Sunday Oregonfan.) Secre-
tary of the Treasury Shaw is, by virtue
of his exalted office, Uncle Sam's father
confessor, and the non.-sectarian con
fessional which he conducts In the big:,
crumbling; sandstone pile just east of
the White House annually adds no- in
significant figure to the revenues of tho
Government.
Now and then; among the hundreds
of news paragraphs dally flashed
broadcast from Washington, your eye
lights upon the Intelligence that somo
person, invariably unnamed and al
most Invariably unknown, . has con
tributed perhaps "one cent, or perhaps
thousands of, dollars to the Federal '
"conscience fund."
Tho Earliest Penitent.
It was back In 1S11 on tho eve of
our second war with Johnnlo Bull
when some penitent sinner up In New
York State Inaugurated, thus custom
of dropping Into tho National coffers
coin of the realm which had weighed
mightily upon his conscience o' nights.
This initial contribution was 51, and it
waB not "until 1861 a half-century
later that another conscience awoke
in the same material manner. This
aecond contribution, received shortly
after the breaking out of xho Civil
"War, was J6000 in bonds, accompanied
by a statement that tho sum had long
been duo the Government, and that the
remittance was prompted by con
science." Thi3 concluding clause gave
tho fund the name which it has subse
quently borne. It has since remained
open, and the amounts received are
converted into the Nation's hoard as
miscellaneous receipts, which mar be
used, like any other assets of tho
Treasury, for whatever purpose Con
gress may deem proper.
It has been suggested that the public
conscience would pay the public debt, if
once thoroughly aroused. However this
may be. It has within the past 44 years
wnen it reawakened trom its 50 years'
slumber added more than J1TO.O00 to the
revenues of the Nation. If we draw an
average wo find that within this period"
of Its renewed activity it has yielded cash
at the rate of some $9000 per annum
enough to pay the combined salaries of
the Secretary of the Treasury and one of
his clerks. It is highly probable that
manifoldly more citizens would each year
thus pui;ge themselves of guilt were their
minds satisfied as to several facts, viz:
Identities Never Divulged.
Uncle Sam never seeks the Identity of
any contributor to the conscience fund,
nor does he ever allow communications
inclosing such payments to be utilized by
any one who might wish to trace them to
their sourqes. He never betrays givers
who frankly give their names. Such names
are not entered upon the official records.
"No questions asked," la the policy of
Chief E. B. Daskam, of the division of
public moneys, the official keeper of the
THE one essential characteristic of
graceful womanhood is poise. With
the mind this is self-possession at
tained by having an Ideal In llfo and liv
ing up to it under any and all difficulties.
With the body it Is a perfect control of
every member acquired by steady con
trol of tho breathing apparatus the en
gine of the physical machine. Singing Is
the art which teaches this control as
nothing else can.
"But," one girl says, "I can't sing and
I can never learn how to sing. In the
first place I haven't any singing volce.v
The expert answors: "Every girl has
a singing volco If she once learns to use
her diaphragm. Her tones may not havo
the sweetness of Pattl's nor the power of
Nlelsson's, because these qualities depend
on the shape of the vocal organs and un
ceasing practice. But there Is no reason
why every girl should not"earn to sing
melodiously, and in singing secure the
physical benefits which accrue from prop
er use of the voice."
Rightly to understand the value of voice
culture, a girl must consider flrs.t some
of the exercises which help her to set
control of the diaphragm.
No. 1. Place the hands on the sides of
the ribs so that the elbows stand straight
out from the body and the finger tips
cover the lower edge of the front of each
rib. With the base of tho hands press In
the ribs until every bit of air is expelled
from the lower part of the lungs and tho
fingers almost meet. Now Inhale slowly
through tho nostrils, allowing the lower
part .of the lungs to expand first, the
hands separating gradually until they are
as far apart as the breath will spread
them. '
No. 2. With the tips of the fingers on
the very middle of the chest, press down
on the breastbone until the .lungs are
contracted to their utmost. Inhale gent
ly, filling the lower part of the lungs
first. Allow the chest to rise slowly un
til it is thoroughly expanded, and the
elbows aro standing straight out and
pointing well back from the body.
No. 3. Best the fingers on the fleshy
part of the body which lies Just at the
separation of the two ribs. As you de
liberately count ten, inhale, holding this
point steadily as the lever of the breath-
lair apparatus. When tho lungs 1 have
reached the limit of expansion, explore
The Physical Value of Voice Culture
Some Simple Exercises for Developing and Then Controlling tho Diaphragm.
conscience fund account at the Treasury
Department.
All "conscience letters" are carofully
put away In separate files, every one of
them as full of good reading as an oys
ter is full of jneat. Bach such mission Is
the page of a little drama enacted
somewhere perhaps within a darkened
death chamber, or, perhap. within the
shadow or tho grim gallow. Itself.
Many of the letters are written by
priests, who forward the amounts' for
penitent members of their flocks whose
names are scrupulously wimneio. .nny
are printed or scrawled In characters
purposed to give tho impression that
the senders aro illiterate. Only the
postmarks reveal the source of 99 out
of a hundred of these vonfcsslons. Ac
knowledgement Is made through the
newspapers at or near the localities
where they have been mailed.
largest and Smallest Deposits.
The largest consclenco dopoait on
record was received five years ago
through our CorisUl-General In London
from a British clergyii.in. remitting It
on behalf of a sinner who had con
fessed a fraud once perpetrated at tho
expense of our Government. It was an
English bill of exchange for the value
of $14,255. in pounds sterling, drawn
upon a New York bank and In favor
of the Secretary of the Treasury.
The smallest contribution received is
accompanied by tho following ex
planation, in illiterate penmanship:
Mister Shaw I stole a Iced pensel In your
office last month nnd I am orry for It now
and I send you a cent to pay for it now so
I gets square wld the guvemcnt ngen let mo
no if Its all right wld you.
It is bolievcd that many of the con
tributions are prompted by religious
revivals, held about the tlmo the cor
respondents are heard from. The
Scriptural admonition that the sinner
should repay in fourfold is echoed in
many of thy transmitting letters. For
example, Secretary "fcnaw lately re
ceived the following note, intelligently
written with a pencil and inclosing tho
largo amount stated:
Dear Sir: I am sending you herewith In
closed $1200, which is to so to the uses of
the U. S. Government. Years ago I defraud
ed the Govt, of money, hut havo returned It
all. and now am paying fourfold In accord
ance with the teaching of Sorlpture. The
way of transgressor Is hard, and no one
but God known how I hare suffered the con
sequences, and I would seek to do a boun
tiful restoration. May God pardon while the
U. S. Govt, ,1s benefited, A SINNER.
Misused -Stamps and Unpaid Duties.
A large class of correspondents are
violators of the postal laws. A letter
from one of this category Incloses $1.50.
although by on omission of the decimal,
point, the amount Is stated at a hun
dredfold that amount. "I inclose $150,
which satisfies my 'conscience for a
small ain't I have wronged the Gov'n't
out of," It begins. "This Is posslblo
fourfold the am't for packages mailed
which had written matter in them and
with postage only sufficient for pack
the breath suddenly by a quick drawing
In of this lever, which is the controlling
muscle of the diaphragm. Like the han
dles of a bellows, It governs the draw
ing in and letting out of the breath.
The last exercise has to be worked up
gradually, as it is apt to make a person
dizzy at first. As the diaphragm gains
strength, the breath is exploded on tho
words, baa, ba, bee. bo. boo in turn.
None of these exercises can be practiced
In tight clothes. The body must be per
fectly free In order to expand to the limit
of its capacity and contract accordingly.
Dally practlc is likewise essential. The
effect is a strengthening of the walls of
the chest, expansion of the internal or
gans and last and most Important, the
awakening of tho diaphragm to ita sus
taining powers.
The next step in tho cultivation of the
voice Is the development of theso sustain
ing powers, xnis is accomplished uy vari
ous breathing exercises in which the Hps
and tongue are 'brought into play.
No. L Inhale slowly and deeply. Then
push the breath out slowly by "Contraction
of the diaphragm and hold the Hps closed
as If to say em. Make a humming sound
while the breath is being exhaled, and
if the exercise is properly practiced the
Hp will quiver. Time the exhalation by
a watch or clock so that It requires a
whole or part of a second longer each
week.
No. 2. Stand before a lighted candle,
allowing the mouth to come Just in front
of the flame. With the Hps well forward
repeat tho vowels aa. a, e, 1, o and u in
turn, having the tone perfectly clear cut;
that is, free from all breath. This can
be determined by tho flame. When every
bit of breathlness Is out of the vowel
sound, the light "will remain absolutely
steady. Tho least bit of hreafhiness will
cause it to flicker.
No. 3. Repeat the Twenty-third Psalm,
keeping each word as free from breath
as were the vowels in the preceding ex
ercise. In both cases sustain the breath
wlU? tho diaphragm muscle and hold it
if possible longer each day.
There are hundreds of methods for pro
ducing the results obtained from the ex
ercises Just given, but they -all work
toward the one end the perfect control
of the diaphragm which enables a person
to force the breath over the vocal organs
with evenness and as slowly or rapidly
as occasion dem-nmd.
It is the experience o all slnslng pupils
ages without written matter.!' The com
munication concludes: -"Best1
wishes.
"PENITENT SINNER.
"Pardon m and may God do so."
"To His Majesty President Cleveland."
ono of the quaintest of this class of let
ters is addressed. "Deir President: I
am in a doubtful state of mind and I
thought I v, suld write 'and tell you fall.
About two years ago asf near as I can
remember it is two years -I used two
postage stamps that had' been used be
fore on letters." Sir ccpfs was inclosed.
Another penitent violator of the pos
tal laws incloses 20 cents "to replace
stamps, that had been . oanceled poorly
and were used a second time." He signs",
himself, "One who wishes to be right
with God." Five cents is returned by
another user of canceled stamps, sign
ing hlmsolf. "Ono who wishes to lead a'
Christian life." . Many such letters are
received from people who have mis
used stamps "or underrated packages.
Evaders of customs duties constitute
an even larger class of penitents. A
father send $2 as duty upon his child's
watch, bought in Canada for $5. "Ihave
no way of knowing what; the .duty Is,"
he adds, "but hope the labove amount
will be "sufficient." A srriall card en
velope addressed in the typical "picket
fence" chirography of thtj society bell
bore 52. sent as 'conscience monoy lor
evaded customs ratcs." Shortly after
ward 11 cents arrived In an. envelope of
the same size, addressed by tho same
hand.
A larger envelope, posthiarked New
York, bore JG150 in bill of denomina
tions ranging from 550 ta. X500. "After
much thought I have been convinced
that duties were not fully paid, as de
sired." states tho accompanying letter,
which concludes: "Above has been great
grief."
Penitent Government Employes.
Government employes form, another
large class of these confessing penltonts.
One returns 520." and waxes poetical,
thus: . K . ;
"Too much pay '
This month of May.'.'
"A clear conscience softens tho hard
est "bed," writes another, "jpnd as I am
a poor Government clerk my bed is very
hard and needs much softening; so I
herewith return 12 cents" overpaid me
lost payday, and. besides, I nave loafed
a good deal lately." .
A remorseful sinner, signing his full
name. Incloses a check for $130 and con
fesses: "I have been In the United
States service many years, and a part
or the time with rank which entitled me
to two servants. I drew pay for two.
but actually had but one. It' Is the com
mon practice of officers to do this, and
the paymasters are aware of It. I en
tered the Army poor and sick too poor
in fact to get along well without a clear
conscience hence tiro check.'
Another Government employe Incloses
52 for "some small articles"" taken dis
honestly from his office. "Being an em
ploye of the Government. I herewith re
turn you J38.9S which I conscientiously
that after a month or so of similar exer
cises the chest increases an Inch or more
in sire. Many women are obliged to
have their bodices enlarged across the
shoulders and the wearing of tight clothes
around the waist becomes unendurable.
So much for the direct benefits from the
fundamental exercises of voice, culture
which ore to singing what five-finger exer
cises are to the playing of the piano.
They continuo from the time the singing
lessops .begin until long after the opera or
concert singer steps into public notice
with a finished voice.
Indirectly the benefit of the exercises
are legion, chief among them to a girl
being the acquisition of a calm, dignified
bearing Some of the Idea of the truth
of this may be obtained In. a very simple
way. When you feel particularly nervous
In some one's presence or at the pros
pect of meeting a new person, take a
long, deep breath and exhale slowly by
use of the diaphragm muscle. Your un
easiness will givo way almost immediate
ly to a feeling of surety and self-confi--dencc.
This seldom fails and its. constant
practice in singing soon makes a certain
assurance as well as a calm control of
the body habitual.
Not all the physical value of voice cul
ture, however. Is secured from proper
use of the diaphragm. Singing also culti
vates the use of the mouth and in bring
ing the tones of the voice forward re
lieves all tension at the back of the throat
and tho vocal chords. '
Just here is where incompetent teach
ing displays Its bad eeffcts. The voice
which is hard, the voice which does not
hit a note squarely on the head and the
voice which has to screech to be heard
all belong in the same class. All are duo
to the same cause and in the end produce
equally Injurious results.
When a singing tone is directed from
tho diaphragm muscle, the areath rushes
over the vocal chords straight to tho
front of the mouth. It stards to reasqn,
therefore, that when one 'first begins to
sing the power of the diaphragm is limit
ed and the tone should be smalL A noisy
tone at first means that some other agent
has stopped in to help. This is usually
the back of tha. throat, which contracts
and forces out the tone, eventually hard
ening the muscles and causing all sorts', of
trouble with the larynx and the other
vocal organs. - n
On the other hand, a tone which come
straight from the diaphragm grows grad
ufSft Sv,rV'Z. Ill i
mszr v
II hi.. I ?.,ilhv, fcvnTVvi. -W. il-nyrt III extra oav Klven him by mistake. I
iHyw. no..O W;".-.. iy- . m Tho most remarkable case of con-
o- 1 ouo&
t
i 4 .
yyu- cv
6-
feel I am not entitled to." writes anoth
er. An old soldter confesses: "While in
the Army, In 1S63. at one time when
there was bread being distributed I roan
aged to get two loaves when I supposed
ually stronger as the lever muscle ac
quires power. The breath passing over
vocal chords which are not strained by
contraction of the throat strengthens all
the delicate organs and renders any one
who sings moderately almost proof
against colds.
The sounding board for the tone Is the
roof of the mouth and the Hps. When It
strikes this board properly It should vi
brate so that the gentlest note can
be heard throughout a room. A weak
singing voice usually Indicates tnat the
tone does not strike tho sounding board
as it should. If the tongue is held In
position for yawning the tone has a per
fectly free sweep and vibrates with full
force.
' The upper Hp determines the- shape of
the tone; that Is, the sound of the con
sonant and vowel which forms the word
that Is sung. This Is a part of the (ace
which has little consideration from the
average girl, while If she did but know
It, the upper lip Is ono of the most im
portant factors In a pleasant, happy ex
pression. A singing exercise for the upper
Hp is to exaggerate the position which It
takes on the different vowels. For in
stance, after Inhaling deeply, sing on one
note aa, e, I, o and oo. AA requires the
mouth to be well open. A has the corners
slightly drawn back, but the upper Hp
quite free from teeth. E pulls the Hp up
and out- O pushes both Hps forward and
oo has them well puckered out into
trumpet shape.
Such an exercise, of course. Is only to
limber the upper Hp. These exaggerated
movements aro not at all necossary to
correct sweet singing, but they greatly Im
prove the appearance of a girl's niouth
and enable her to keep it from an un
comely display of the upper teeth.
This concludes the fundamental prin
ciples of voice culture, and while the exer
cises given aro very rudimentary, they are
the basis for all others. The girl who
would study singing seriously must go
much deeper into voice culture than this
short article permits. The few rules set
down give an Idea of tho scope of the
singing voice. In its perfection It requires
the concentrated forces of tho entire phy
sical being, the lever of which Is the
diaphragm, and the girl who would have
poise and self-possession summed in the
one word "charm" must master first the
art of singing.
SALLY CHAMBER LIN.
The End of A'acatlon.
Back to the old accuftcmed grind
Front iea. or sylvan nooks.
Twas there we left our cares behind;
UkewtM our pocketbooTtn.
Washington Star.
I :P c7V. flh Svutfrt, - III 1
r. y " t
P AlZt4aU4ii MTCUi CUV
If e J J r I-
r i I r
wntirt)v
- c
o So
it was intended for each person to only
have one; therefore. In order to satisfy
a reprovlns conscience, 1 remit 51. which
I suppose will cover the amount with
compound Interest." Another veteran
Recipes From
Also Some of the Jokes
MAY IRWIN, who amused several
thousand Portlanders last week. Is
an author. She has written a cook'
book and named It "May Irwin's Home
Cooking." ,
Miss Irwin dedicates the book to those
who have laughed at her serious efforts
to be graceful and sylphlike for their
benefit; to those who failed to laugh, and
to those who. said "go ahead and eat it,"
when she could have been adhering to
her saccharine table and dry tonin, with
the hope that they may; bo tempted into
eating "not wisely but too well."
The interesting novelty Is that scattered
all through the book aro a. lot of May
Irwin's little Jokes and funny little pen-and-ink
pictures drawn by her. i
Here, for Instance, is her recipe for
creamed kidneys:
Six veal kidneys.
Half a pint of milk.
One cup of cream.
One tablespoon of flour.
One teaspoon of very finely chopped
parsley.
A little paprika, a dash of red pepper
and salt to taste,
Soak the kidneys in salt and water for
two hours; thon rinse them off, and par
boll for 20 minutes. Chop them reasonably
fine and add th milk. Let It come to a
boll; cream a tablespoon of butter with
the flour, and add to the kidneys, then
put in the seasoning, nnd, last of all. the
cream, which should not be put in until
just ready to serve.
And as IU companion piece is this:
A farmer's wagon loaded with butter
broke down and stuck fast In the mud and
the horse couldn't start it, "It's no use,
mister," said a small boy. "Your old
horse isnt strong enough. Take htm out
and hitch up a roll of your butter."
His mamma scolded- him for saying such
a thing to the poor man. and called him
in the house for it. "You are a bad boy.
Willie, and I thought you w"ere an angel."
'What is an. angel, ma? said the boy.
"An angel Is one thai flies."
"Why, pa says my governess Is -an an
gel." "Yes, and she's going to fly, too."
Sho gives this recipe for creamed ham
and poached eggs: Make a smooth white
sauce with two rounding tablespoons of
III mLS-
0 9
Awrr
slenintr "One of Uncle Sam's Boys"
sends 575 In renavment for two months
extra pay given him by mistake,
Tho most ' remarkable case of con
science on tho part of Government em
ployes is that of a veteran of the Indian
School service, who this year Inclosed
threo nickels in paymont for two slate
pencils appropriated 30 years ago. Ever
since then his conscience had troubled
him to the extent that remorso had set
In and finally insomnia. He contem
plated giving himself up to justice, but
had just learned of a conscience fund,
and could nowgjve his mind tho first
rest which It had enjoyed within the en
tire 30 years.
Ono dollar Is sent by a penitent who
confesses to having stolon "a small apple
tree from the Government orchard at
Fort." "God knows the name and the
sin," Is the only explanation accompanv
ing 53000 tucked in an envelope post
marked New York. A letter mailed in
Washington states: "Through an error
of the head, and not of the heart. In tho
.settlement of a claim some time slnco
I received ?i more man t was enuuea iu,
and as I desire to live honest with all
people I enclose the above-stated
amount." A contributor of 53 promises to
later remit more, and thu3 add peace to
his "tortured conscience." "The act." he
May Irwin's Funny Cookbook
She Hns Thrown in Between tho Bits of Culinary Information.
butter and one of cornstarch, with a cup
of milk. Season with pepper only, and
add a cup of finely chopped cooked ham.
9prad tho mixture over rounds of toast,
lay a carefully poached egg over each,
season lightly, and serve Immcdlataly with
curly parsley.
Its neighboring -joke Is:
"Walter, what have you to eat?"
wii Tvo vnt riles' feet and "
"Don't tell me your misfortunes; I want
to know what you have to atl"
She gives directions for making minced
oysters:
Put a tablespoon of butter Into the
blazer; when it bubbles, add a green pep
per and half a small onion, bo.th chopped
fine, and cook for five minutes without
browning. Then turn In half a cup of
oyster juice, and season with salt and
paprika: mince the oysters, but not too
fine; add them to the mixture in the
blazer, and let, them cook for five min
utes. Turn the mixture over hot toast.
This can be done easily In a chafing
dish. Clams may be used Instead of oys
ten. If preferred.
And there fallow Instructions for pun
ishing your offspring.
I remember, when I was returning from
Chicago my last, season on the road, I
went Into the dining car, and a small boy
started to laugh and his mother could
not stop him.
I said to Ma: "That boy needs a spank
ing." "I know he does, but I don't bellevo
In spanking a boy on a full stomach."
I said: "Neither do 1. Turn him
over."
But this experience she declares was her
own:
Once while traveling out West I en
tered a hotel. The accommodations were
so poor, I asked the landlord if there was
another hotel in town, and ho sold:
"Yes, but the proprietor has gone South
for his liver." "Why," said I, "have you
no butcher shop here?"
Well. I went Into the dining-room for
breakfast and the waiter said, "What'll
you have, steak or coffee T' I asked
him if he had any nice hen's eggs, and he
brought me two. I opened one of them.
Ha asked me if he should open the other,
and I said: "No. Open the window."
"What's the matter? Ain't they cooked
adds, "was committed In childhood. Ke
morse has taken hold upon me and I
cannct rest. TTho but God. my Almighty
Father, has made me do this?"
Transparent Disguise.
Amusing efforts at feigning Illiteracy
are conspicuous throughout the files. "For
the konshen fund" was scrawled upon an
envelope bearing 10 cents; then the tn4rt
word was utricken out and "conshun"" ln-
j" serted above If- Five dollars Is acce-n-J
panted by a. slip reading "To the choln-
shons fund." Favorite means of attempt
ing disguise of penmaship are the employ -ment
of printed characters. scrawM-i-r
child-like chirography and forced bark
hand. In nearly every such letter are un
conscious slips of the pen which wouki
give a sure clew to the handwriting ex
pert. Only a few contributors resort to
the typewriter.
Occasionally conscience money is per
sonally handed to the Secretary of the
Treasury by sinners who hurry away as
soon as they have thus purged their
minds of remorse. A strange man one
placed In the hands of Secretary Gage an
envelope marked "private." Tearing It
open, the secretary found a smaller en
velope containing 520O and labeled "con
science money." At another time he was
handed an envelope containing 53. but
without any explanatory inscription or
lnclosure.
AVork of Clever AA'usr.
Occasionally soma wng or other con
tributes to the collection, as, for exam
ple: "Please find 51.25. coin of tlie realm,
won from a United States paymaster at
draw poker, and which I am convinced
rightfully belongs to Uncle Samuel. I
have cnrrled it for nearly six days, and
dare not trust myself with It longer. My
conscience "calls fer relief: my harrassed
nature calls for a good night's sleep. I
can have neither so long as I carry thl3
terrible witness. You can apply It In
liquidation of the National debt. Now I
can feel a realization of tho Proverb.
Be virtuous and you will bo happy. Now
can I feel an assurance that In years yet
to come It may be said of my children
(yet to come): 'They were af poor but
honest parents.' Pleae acknowledge
through city papers and request them to
double lead In editorial column."
The alleged 51.25 In "coin of the realm"
was an "I. O. U." and not worth the pa
per upon which it was written.
wAi
Q&sv mrrMo W
u
! Altosether the most remarkable com
f munlcatlon comes from the rocent con
trlbutor of 512,000, the second largest item
ever received to swell the conscience
fund, which was opened !M years ago. It
was addressed this Summer to Secretary
Shaw and makes this proposition:
An Indian Giver.
Not Ion since, to satisfy my mln4. I seat
you $12,000 in currency. I sent you $2000
more than four-fold, and at the date of
this letter I was pasting through and
got very sick, ami a lady took care of mr
She gave me metilson. care aad foot, not
wlthstanding she was really poor, and I
have don willed every thang I have to a
young man to take care of the untlt I iil
and have mo put a Way nice and I want
you If you will to send thla poor lady a
little of that money If you pleaoe h la to
to school to little girls one S years and tha
other 10. her name Is .
When you get this I will be at rest, t
taken her name ami I want the presedert
to send her a little donation for her act f
charity In his own nam plena grant this
last request I subscribe my self
A PENITENT SINNER.
Good-hy.
This Is tho only caso on recorrf f a
conscience contribution with a string o
it. JOHN ELFBETH W ATKINS.
long enough?" I said: "I think so, but
they were not cooked soon enough. Then.
I I called for a lobster, nnd he brought In
the boss. I complained to him about tha
eggs, and he said, "Don't talk to me; I m
not the hen." "Well, you own the place,
don't you?" "Yes. I do; but I don't eat
here." "Well, have you any toothpicks'
"No, he replied. "I had a few. but the
boarders took them uway and never
brought thorn back."
Opposite her recipe for Sarah's Sally
Lunn's is this:
Widow (to husband who was killed from
the effects of hor cooking) Is It really
you, dear?
Spirit-It is.
Widow Are you happy, doftr?
Spirit Comparatively, yes.
Widow Would you like to return'
Spirit No.
Widow No? Why. where are you.
George?
Spirit In hell!
A man went home the other night an3
found his house locked up. After ftafln.te
trouble he managed to gala eatran.-e
through a back window and then disco. -ered
on the parlor table a note frm Mi
wife reading: "I have gone out. Ycu
will find the key on tho side of the step.'
While tho chafing dish is doing its work
one may Imagine Miss Irwin reading
these from the left side of her cook boo
A schoolboy at lunch time entered a
grocery st6re and said to the clerk: "Take
this order: Ten pounds of sugar at 5
cents, 11 pounds coffee at IS cents, eight
pounds tea at 30 cents. Add that up.
How much is it?"
The clerk said: "?5.75."
"Are you sure?" said the boy.
"Of course, I am sure."
The boy thanked him and said: "That's
my arithmetic lesson for tomorrow,"
Logical Deduction.
Singleton By the way, where did
you first meet your wife?
Wedderly At her college the day
she graduated.
Singleton Ah! I see. Her com
mencement was your finish. Chicago
News.