THE SUNTDAT OEEGONIA, POBTITAND, NOVEMBER 29, 1903.
S3
THE HONOURABLE WM. KTAFT
Jolly Good Fellow "Who "Will Become Secretary of "War.
BIG. burlr Bill Taft, six feet tall. In
weight 3CO pounds. In manner dem
ocratic. In politics straight Republi
can. Jurist and statesman, will take up
the "War portfolio -which EMul Root -will
lay down next January.
It "would perhaps be more dignified to
-write "Hon. William H. Taft," but to the
thousands who have grasped his hand,
heard his hearty laugh and felt the infec
tion of his gonial "I'm mighty glad to see
you." he is "Bill" Taft. At Tale ho -was
sometlmea called "Bull" Taft on account
of his big frame and the determined -way
la which he broko down obstructing bar
riers. Ho has, however, no difficulty in estab
lishing his title to "Hon." A glance at his.
biography Is enough. Assistant prosecu
tor for Hamilton County Ohio, Collector of
Internal Rvonuo at Cincinnati, Judge of
tho Superior Court of Ohio, Solicitor-Gen
eral of tho United States, Judge of the
Sixth "United States Circuit Court, member
of "tho Circuit Court of Appeals, president
of the Philippine Commission, and first
Civil Governor of the Philippines, besides
twice refusinc a place on the Supreme
Court bench, mako a list of honorable po
sitions that needs not the addition of
Secretary of "War to guarantee the title.
Judge Taft is of fair complexion, and
some people think ho looks llko ex-Presl-dcat
Cleveland. Ho is taller than the Sago
of Princeton, weighs more and has a
little moro hair, although there has been
a decided thinning out of his Hsht brown
locks In tho last few years. He -wears a
light brown mustache, somewhat long.
His face is full and indicative of geniality,
but a pair of steel-gray eyes, that usually
twinklo with good nature, can give warn
ing that his geniality is not to bo tres
passed. He can get mad. but never with
out reason, and heaven pity the poor mor
tal who provokes his -wrath.
la one respect Judge Taft is much like
ox-President Cleveland. Ho dislikes to
dictate to a stenographer, and does a
great deal of his own writing by hand.
Llko the writing of ilr. Cleveland, that of
Judge Taft is in a small, feminine hand
that would suggest anything but the big
man behind it. His autograph is in as
great demand as that of any other public
man. and he is immensely good-natured
about giving It.
One result of Judge Taft's residence in
the Philippines has been the introduction
of the "glad hand" in those .islands. Uo
bettor proof is needed of his democracy
and his success as a mixer. As ho trav
eled from Manila to the uttermost prov
inces of tho archipelago, establishing local
civil government, his loud, hearty laugh
ter and magnetic handshake dispelled cen
turies of Spanish dignity and reserve, and
left a democracy that would delight the
most enthusiastic spellbinder. As an ex
ample of his Influence in this direction
on the Filipinos, the following will serve:
He -went into the province of Bulacan
to inaugurate a local civil government.
Naturally, he inquired for the most prom
inent citizen of the place, who was pro
duced in the person of Senator Jose Se
raplo, an cx-Captaln of Spanish Volun
teers and Presldente of .Malolos. The gal
lant Captain was stiff with dignity, and
on his uniform coat hung half a dozen
gaudy decorations received in his military
and civil career. Ho was prepared for
some grand ceremony, and all tho people
expected to see the new American Gov
ernor appear in gold bullion, glittering
stars, shining belts and all the blazonry
of military pomp. Instead Taft came
along In a suit of light linen, and when
presented to tho foremost citizen grabbed
tho little "fellow's hand with a hearty
"How d'ye do? Glad to see you," and a
chuckle that startled the Captain, out of
his dream.
Two weeks later Captain Seraplo re
ceived his commission as Governor of that
province. When, ho appeared to take of-
Hce the natives were surprised to see him.
In plain white clothes. The fine "uniform
and handsoroo decorations were gone.
"How is this?" was the cry.
"It is no longer customary." replied the
Captain, as he shook hands and greeted
his people in imitation of Taft's democ
racy. The Filipinos caught on, and a class of
"glad hand" politicians has arisen in the
wake of tho Governor-General.
"You have described 'Billy' Taft," said
?x-Secrotary of State Day to the late
President McKlnley one day in 1S99. Tho
two were traveling on a railroad train
to Canton, O., and earnestly discussing
the most absorbing Administration prob
lem at that time tho government of the
Philippines.
"I want a man to head the Philippine
Commission," said Sir. McKlnley, "who
is strong, honest and tactfuL A man of
education and executive ability. A man
fearless, but conservative, and one who
will get along with the military authori
ties." President McKlnley's schedule of the
qualities desired In the head of the com
mission immediately brought Judge Taft
ti the mind of Mr. Day, and the choice
was than determined.
How Taft would regard such a propo
sition was another question. He was
asked to "Washington, and in President
McKInley's private office there occurred a
conference that showed the stuff the fu
ture Governor of the Philippines was
.made of. There was then looming up a
probabie vacancy on the Supreme Court
bench, to which Judge Taft would be ap
jx!nted if ho so elected. At this confer
ence there were present President Mc
Ivlnley, Secretary of war Root and Judgo
Taft. The President and Secretary of
"War wanted Taft to go to the Philip
pines, and it was left toMr. Root to put
the matter before the Judge. Mr. , Root
had only a short personal acquaintance
with Mr. Taft, but sufficient to enable
him to read so open a character.
"Jadge." he said, "we need you in the
Philippines. You are now confronted with
two propositions an easy one and a hard
one. You are now occupying an honor
able life position on tho Federal bench,
with a. prospect in the near future of
reaching a seat on the Supreme Court
bench, tho goal of every lawyer's ambi
tion whq puts reputation above dollars.
Tou have monoy enough with your salary
to live comfortably. You can remain upon
the Supremo bench for life. That is the
easy proposition.
"On the other hand, wo need you in the
Philippines. You may be prostrated and
wrecked physically by the diseases inci
dent to that climate. You may die at
your post. You have tho opportunity of
being the savior of the little brown men,
advancing them centuries in civilization
and still be damned by the public for
your work. You may administer affairs
with great success and still have to feel
the sting of ingratitude. You will have to
resign your Circuit Judgeship. The chance
of going upon tho Supremo Court bench
may never again come to you. That is
the hard proposition. "Which will you
accept?"
Several hundred of his old collego,mates
who have seen "Bull" Taft take hard
Icnocks at Tale and tackle tho most un
promising propositions, could have an
swered for him as ho did for himself: "I
go to the Philippines."
Judge Taft is not a man of fads or fan
cies, except one. He Is an intense, enthu
siastic, loyal, uncompromising Yale man.
If you want to see his steel-gray eyes snap
and flash, just reflect upon tho glory or
prestige of "Old Ell." All the honors, and
achievements of his life since graduat
ing in 1S7S are nothing to him compared
with his triumphs in his four college
years. Away" out in tho Philippines it
has been no unusual thing to hear his
voice raised in the songs of Yalensla, just
MBBNtfisBSS s&E SmIHHH
-
"BILL" TATT, THE JOIXY GOOD FEI,IXW.
as he used to sing when sitting on the
college fence with his classmates about
him.
There are a hundred or more of Judgo
Taft's old classmates, men prominent in
business, church and politics throughout
the country, who would take off their
coats at any time to fight for him. A
quarter of a century has not lessened their
loyalty, and their devotion illustrates the
esteem he commanded in Tale from the
time he entered until graduation.
Toung Taft went into Talo from Ando
ver with a choice lot of boys who formed
a clique that ruled their old class, and
to a great extent the whole college. Of
this narty the athletic Taft was facile
prlnceps. Formed by nature for victories J
in the athletic field, Taft denied nis in
clination and entered the sphere of mental
achievements. He rowed, played football
and practiced in the gymnasium only
enough to keep his body in trim. He was
not so devoted to his books, however, that
ho failed to respond when his class was
in a rush, row or contest o any kind. Ho
was always In the fore front of the fray.
His father, Alphonso Taft, Secretary of
"War and Attorney-General under Grant,
and in the diplomatic service under Ar
The denial Idiot . ". By John Kendrick Bangs
ssi
T THUNDER, look at the date.
A will you?." said the Idiot, pointing
to the headline of his morning
paper. "November 29, when It seems only
yesterday that we sat up and watched the
old year die. Seems to me old Father Tem
pus should be arrested for fugitting be
yond the speed limit."
"He certainly flies fast," observed Mr.
Pedagog, with a sigh. "I am getting on
in years past CO now, and somehow or
other it doesn't seem as if my days were
more than four or five hours long. I'll bo
100 before I know hv'
"You have too good a time, Mr. Peda
gog," said the Idiot. "That's what makes
your days seem short. Tou are enjoying
vour cftlum. cum die in a scorching age."
"Do you call It ease to have to teach
children nowadays?" asked the School
master. "I don't. Compared to how things
used to be, It's quite the reverse. Not
only Is the modern child harder to handle
than his father, but somehow or other ho
seems instinctively to know more. He s a
great deal harder to keep up with, and
what with that and the new methods of
teaching which must be learned, there's
precious little spare time for a schoolmas
ter to devote to his own pleasures."
"The modern kid is one iOf the most in
teresting, developments of the 19th cen
tury," said the Idiot. "And I should think
you would find dally contact with him
quite inspiring. I've got a bunch of
nephews myself, and I think they're a rip
ping lot and each of 'em in a different
way. Bobby is 5, Tommy is 10. and Jack
is 15, and ten minutes with any one of 'em
is a liberal education."
"I hope they are not acquiring any of
their stores of knowledge from their Un
cle." said the Bibliomaniac "If they are.
I'm going to write to the Society for tho
Protection of Cruelty to Children and de
nounce you."
"No I'm too selfish to share with any
body the rich stores of learning that I havo
acquired from years of breakfasting with
you gentlemen," returned the Idiot. "I'm
a miser with the information I've got at
this board I Just hoard and hoard and
hoard it. When you tell me something I
never knew before. I wrap it up tenderly
In cotton and put It away In a trunk with
my other treasures, such as my first sock,
and my little blue kid shoes with the white
pearl buttons, and the lock of hair my
first love cut off one of her switches for
me when at the age of 8 I tried to get her
to desert her grandchildren and run off
and marry me. Let your mind rest easy,
Mr. Bibliomaniac, on that- score. I love
my nephews devotedly, but I'll see 'em
grow up In ignorance before I'll share
with them any of that confidential Infor
mation which you, from tlmo to time, lav
ish so generously upon me. Some day I
shall use it for tho benefit of the public in
a ten-volume edition of 'Tho Idiot's En
cyclopedia,' which I intend to have pub
lished among my Posthumous Works."
"I dare say, judging from the quality of
your discourse," observed Mr. Brief, "that
on the contrary you have gained all the
Information you possess from them, eh?
Tour facts havo a Juvenile ring that sug
gests the idea, anyhow."
"That's it," said the Idiot. "Most of the
thlngslknow thoroughly, they have taught
me. All my theories In regard to the Pan
ama and Nicaragua Canals, for instance, I
have got direct from Tommy, the 10-year-old;
my views on the subject of literature
are at least traceable to Bobby, who,
though only 5, has a pretty sano view of
modern literary conditions, and as for tho
details of a complete philosophy of living,
that 15-year-old. Jack has got the whole
thing at his. finger ends."
"What nonsense," said the Bibliomaniac
"The Idea of a boy of 10 having views on
the Panama-Nicaragua business that are
worth anything!"
"Well, Tommy has," said the Idiot. "He
was talking about it only the other night
My brother and I were having a discus
sion on 'the subject, and it was gchtlng
pretty hot. He was for Nicaragua and I
was lor Panama"
"That's like you," said the lawyer.
"What the Dickens has made you a Pan
ama advocate? Do you know anything
about it?"
"Why, I have a sort of notion that If tho
Panama Canal goes through the people
down there will be rich enough to buy
their own hats, and so relieve the United
States of the necessity of wearing 'em,'
said the Idiot "On aesthetic grounds I
object to Panama hats now that men have
taken to shaping them so that they look
like inverted coal-scuttles and sujjar-
thur, was a. Tale graduate, and he wanted
his son to take high honors from his alma
mater. Bill did not disappoint his par
ent. He graduated second in a class of
120, and was salutatorian and class ora
tor. "I'll never be content until I throw Bill
Taft again," laughingly said Herbert W.
Bowen, Minister to "Venezuela, one even
ing w hlle In "Washington conducting nego
tiations for the settlement of the "Vene
zuelan imbroglio. Mr. Bowen was a mem
ber of the same class with Taft at Yale.
They were the two biggest fellows in the
college, and a friendly rivalry existed
between them as to strength and ability
to wrestle. Bowen was a little taller, but
Taft was the heavier of tho two. They
were pretty evenly matched In wrestling.
"Up to our last year It was about a
standoff between us." said Minister Bow
en, "but I think I had just a shado tho
better of him. In the last week of the
commencement of 1S7S we had two or
three rounds, and Taft threw me." I will
never be satisfied until I have another go
at him."
Mr. Bowen's wish may bo gratified.
scoops. But my brother and I were fight
ing mad about it and just as he was
reaching for a lump of anthracite to throw
at me, as a final proof that Nicaragua
was the only route worth talking about
and I had grabbed' the poker to poke
Panama down his throat Tommy puts in
with, 'Aw, dig 'em both, an' como to sup
per.' "
The Poet smiled broadly. "That Is a
solution that doesn't seem to have oc
curred to anybody elqe, at any rate,"
6aid he.
"All sorts of ideas that never occur to
anybody else occur to Tommy," said tho
Idiot "He advanced the proposition tho
other day that the o Ay part of arithmetic
that was of any practical valuo as far as
his experience went wa6 subtraction, be
cause his allowance was never added to,
multiplied or divided, but always subtract
ed from, a theory that fits snugly into tho
financial condition of 99 out of every 100
citizens of this country.- To spend years
learning how to write with a pen, when
typewriting machines can be bought for a
song, he regards as a great waste of time
and energy, and to study spelling when
you can have a secretary to do your let
ters for you is silly. As for history, ho
considers it uselessto stow away In your
head until it aches pages of stuff that you
can find in a book whenever you need" to
use it advancing the undeniable truth
that what's going to happen is better
worth the knowing."
"By Jove!" laughed Mr. Brief. "He's
your nephew, all right isn't he?" Ideas
of that kind seem to run in your family."
"Yep," returned the Idiot "That's ono
reason why I don't like to spoil the
youngsters with the commonplace ideas
that anybody can have What's the use of
a special point of view if you don't avail
yourself of it?"
"I should like to- hear about the 5-year-old
literary prodigy," said the Poet
"He's a dandy," cried the Idiot enthu
siastically. "His comment on Browning,
to my mind, sizes up the situation to
perfection."
"Oh, come off," said the Bibliomaniac
"What rot I don't believe any 5-year-old
boy except possibly the Boston lad of tho
comic papers, who never existed, ei'cr
read a line of Browning. You are drawing
upon your imagination."
"I never said Bobble had read Brovn
Ing," retorted tho Idiot "Save In ylur
imagination. It is you who are over
drawing your account"
"How the deuce can he sizo Browning
up then if he hasn't read him?" demanded
the Bibliomaniac triumphantly.
"By listening when others read him,"
replied the Idiot "My brother is very
fond of reading aloud, and If walls had
ears, and could spout what they have
heard, there isn't a British poet that tho
plaster of his library couldn't reproduce.
Last Sunday night he began on Sordello
and stuck at It manfully to the end. Bob
ble was sitting on tho floor counting up
his marbles, and apparently not paying
much attention. My brother had read
about 20 minutes when he paused to
cut two pages apart with his paper knife,
when Bobbie put in, 'Say, Pa if a llttlo
boy got lost in the middle of that poym.
do you think he'd ever find his way out
again?"
"That boy is all right" said the genial
old gentleman who occasionally imbibed.
"I feel exactly the same way when I'm
sober. I can't understand half of Brown
ing's poems, unless I've had half a dozen
cocktails and then I am. so tongue-twisted
I can't explain 'em."
"ToG should wait until next morning,"
said the Poet with a twinkling eye, "and
then write out your solution."
"Tho trouble with that" replied the
genial old gentleman, "is that when next,
morning comes, I've forgotten the ex
planation." "Well, that's too bad," laughed the Idiot
"If you only could remember, you could
write a sort of Baedeker to Browning
which would fill a long felt want"
"Pah," ejaculated the Bibliomaniac "I
have no difficulty in comprehending.
Browning though you've got to take him'
in small doses and think it out that I
admit"
"You'ro perfectly right there," said the
Idiot "I can testify to that I have
found by personal experience that taking
Browning one word at a time, I can un
derstand. "When he speaks of embers I
know.that he doesn't mean snowballs, and
an allusion to blossoming trees can't be
mistaken for a reference .to lawn-mowers
by a man who stops to think. It's when
he combines the words in sentences that
I get off the track." .
"What does Bobbie think of the historl-
Wlen Judgo Taft gets settled as Secre
tary of "Warand Minister Bowen comes
to "Washington on a leave of absence,
there is, nothing to prevent their having
an old-fashioned wrestling bout. Presi
dent Roosevelt, can take them up-to his
gymnasium inthe attic, of the "White
House and act as umpire while tho pair
have It out on the mat used by the Pres
ident in his wrestling exercises,. It would
bo safe money to bet on Bowen. Taft has
laid on flesh of recent years, and bow tlp3
the beam at 310.
m
Since Judgo Taft's residence in the Phil
ippines, physical bullc has become a badge
of rank among the Filipinos. They imag
ine .that every hlg man must ho a high
official. Judgo Taft Is their hero. An
other man they have respect for an ac
count of his avoirdupois is Mr. Ferguson,
the disbursing officer of the Philippine
Commission. He rivals Governor Taft In
weight, "and he is respected accordingly
by the natives. It is said that should Fer
guson be a candidate for appointment to
the vacancy that will ,be created when
Taft leaves the Commission, his large sizo
will be a recommendation. He will re
mind the Filipinos of Taft, Who has so
thoroughly commanded their obedience
and respect.
T" "JlThard to tlnk how a Presldent'can help
Taft has never changed in his- manner.
His characteristics havo remained tho
same, and when he reaches "Washington
as Secretary of "War, the thousands who
know him predict that his laugh will ho
just as loud, his handshako as Hearty, his
good humor as infectious as they were in
college, in court circles or away off in
tho Philippines. He will throw himself
back in his chair and enjoy a good story
with as much zest as he ever did. Taft
is not much of, a story-teller himself, but
he Is at all times bubbling over with good
humor;, so that while his narratives may
not always bo pointed and witty, they
are bound to create a laugh by the very
force of his goodhumor. He, likes to chaff
those who are disposed to put on official
airs and dignity. His associates on tho
Philippine Commission have frequently
been the object of his jokes, and he has
the faculty of infecting those about him
with his own manners and good spirits.
"I was not a month with Judge Taft
until I was shaking hands with every one
I met and greeting them with a laugh,"
said Rutherford Corbin, son of Major
General Corbin, who was Governor Taft's
secretary for some two years in the Phil
ippines. 'I never saw any one whp could
so thoroughly dominate everybody about
him and saturat6 them, as it were, with
his own geniality."
Governor Taft is as strong in his dis
likes as ho Is Jn his .likes. Soon after
reaching tho Philippines he came In con
flict with General MacArthur. A bitter
feeling grew up, and, as Judgo Taft felt
he was in the right, the coolness still
nrpvalls. Ho had a difference also with
General Chaffee, but it waff altogether
good-natured. They argued their points
with each other and were on the most
Intimate terms during the whole contro
versy, always addressing each other by
their first names. The trouble grew out
of a conflict between tho civil and mili
tary governments, and each considered
himself in the right.
JOHN E. HIGGINS.
(Copyright, 1903, by T. C. McCIure.)
cal novel?" asked the Doctor.
"Does ho
approve of that?"
"I was coming to that" said the Idiot
"I caught him sitting In a hammock one
Sunday morning off hVthe country last
Summer, and he had Susan Brlnckeroff
Sudberrys 'Red Feather of Provence in
his hand. He was chuckling away to
himself to beat the band. 'What's the
joke, Bobbie?' said I. Tse yeadln',' he
chuckled. 'And you like tho book very
much, eh?' I queried. 'Yes,' he said. 'It's
orful funny. I'se yeadln it upside-down.'
And he was. By Jingo, X believe that
boy has the making of a critic in him. His
favorite characters in fiction are Ernest
Thompson Seton and Noah, because they
know all about animals. In history he
has a pronounced liking for Jack the
-Giant Killer and Theodore Roosevelt and
for the Babes In tho Wood lie has no use
at all, because thhey hadn't sense enough
to telephone for the police and have their
wicked uncle arrested as soon as he began
to treat them badly."
"I should judge that that young man
will be an author some day," smiled Mrs.
Pedagog.
"He is already, Madame,' returned the
Idiot "He has delighted me frequently
with a romance of his own in which Lit
tle Lord Fauntleroy goes out to capture
an Ogre, and Is eaten by the latter before
he has a chance to draw his riding whip
and stab the wicked giant to tho heart
It Is a very short narrative, but it is-iull
of dramatic situations, ,and In so far as
pure fiction can bo so. It strikes me as
being relentlessly realistic"
"Did I understand you to say that there
was a 15-year-old In that family who has
reasoned out a philosophy of living that-
is worth while?" asked the Lawyer.
"Tes.r said tho Idiot "He belongs to
tho CDoh't Worry Club.' When he plays
golf,"", and his hall lands in a hole he
doesn't use Intemperate language the way
his elders do, because, as he remarked
the other day, he never knew a golfer to
swear a ball out of a hole yet When he
broke his arm at football und I began to
sympathize with him, he cut me short with
me statement mat it mignt nave been
his head, and then he coiildn't play chess.
When his father remonstrated with him
for getting a six in Greek, he reminded
the old gentleman that five would have
been worse, and In response to his
mother's mournful remark on a dark,
dreary day recently that 'there wouldn't
be any sun today,' he smiled and said that
there would be Just as much sun as ever
"Ha," said Mr "Whltechoker. "Ho is
a philosopher."
"Regular Sunny Jim, eh?" suggested the
Bibliomaniac
"That's what," said tho Idiot "It seems
almost incredible that a boy of that age
should be so calmly philosophical. But
those are the facts. He's far ahead of his
father in that respect."
"Oh well there's nothing new about it
after all," said tho Lawyer. "Wo have
had the word of the Sages for centuries
that the child is father to the man."
"Yes," said the Idiot, "but this twentieth
century boy is better than that He is a
regular grandfather to the man. By and
by If things keep on the way they are
going posterity will put ancestry out of
business altogether."
(Copyright, 1903.)
The Wayside Well,
Walter Learned!.
He stopped at the wayside well.
"Where tho water was cool and deep; ,
There were feathery fern 'twbtt the mossy
Btones,
And gray was the old well-aweep.
He left his carriage alone;
Nor could coachman or footman tell, l
Why the master stooped lnjhe dusty road
To drink at the wajaldo well.
He swayed with his gloved hands
Tho well-sweep, creaking and slow.
While from seam and scar In the bucket's eldo
The water splashed back below.
He lifted it to the curb.
And bent to tho bucket's brim;
?Jo furrows of time or care had marked
Tie face that looked back at him.
He saw but a farmer's boy.
As he stooped o'er the brim to drink,
And muddy and tanned was the laughing face
That met his over the brink.
The eyes were sunny and clear.
And the brow undlmmed by care.
While from under the rim of, the old straw hat
Strajed curls of chestnut hair.
He turned away with a Blch;
Nor could footman or co&chmah tell
Why the master stopped. In his ridc-tbat day.
To drink by the wayside welt
e-HlMMIE FADDEN STORIES
The Bowery Philosopher Gives Mr, Paul's Modern Views on National Politics.
AM PROUD," says "Whiskers, "dat
wo has a man In de "White House
at last."
-I
"A man," says Mr. . Paul, "is ever de
cause for pride But what has dat lively
and Interesting Mr. Roosevelt done this
time for again to deserve de name of
"Man?" " he says.
"He has took another country," says
"Whiskers, trunnlng out his chest so dat I
had to dodge de buttons dat shot off from
his Jacket. "What do we hire Presidents
for if npt to pick up a, country now and
den? Dere is so many countries lying
out of doors around de Dago middle of dls
hemerspear dat de wonder is no President
has no made a record of picking a dozen
or two."
"True!" says Mr. Paul. "It is a monu
ment to their modesty dat no President
has ever beat de record of Mr. McKlnley,
who stopped ahor'after picking only two
swiping a country now and den, any more
dan a good healty boy could help swiping
a apple now and den if ho was going
trough a orchard and de farmer was off
to church. Dero is too many countries ly
ing around loose on dls side of de woild,
anyway. Countries to do nort of us, to
de sout of us, to tho east of us, and to
de west no, I forgot we has swiped dose
already. But sir, dere Is so many of era,
dat de few, moro or less, dat we may
swipe will never bo missed. But whoso
business is it if dey is missed?"
"Now, Paul, you aro talking sense, and
showing do benefit to your politics and
morals from being my son-in-law. Haven't
wo do ships, de men, do money? Eh!"
says Whiskers, taking off his specks, so
dat he could see. "Is dey. to be idle prop
erty, earning notting for dqlr keep, and
eating delr heads off, and wearing out
and rusting out while a lot of Impudent
little Dago countries is ripe for to bo
picked! Mr. Roosevelt sir, is a man!"
"You put it too mild," says Mr. Paul.
"Ho Is not only a man, but is is de man.
Ho is de man of de hour, de man on
horseback, de Johnnny-on-de-spot! No
saucy little nation like Uryagua, and
Booraboo, and Mexico, and Canada, and
Brlzil, and de confederacy of de India
rubber and gold-bearingstate of Central
America can carry on de nefarious trade
of freedom wltout foist asking Mr. Roose
velt's permission. And will dey get it?
Nary, nay. What has dey to do wit free
dom? It is too precious a ting for to be
put in de hands of a lot of Iragoes and
Canucks who don't speak our language
or, if dey do, dey speaks it wit a London
accent" Why, sir, de ting Is prepostuous!
Is it 'hot de history of de Presidency dat
no man "ever left de White House wit one
term only who had, in a idle moment,
picked up a country on de side. Mr.
Roosevelt, he knows his business. Let
Mark Hanna take a seat in de back of
de hall while Teddy is picking up nations.
De best chairman or de xsationai com
mittee is a record of picking up a nation
on de side, and adding It to de territory
In which we will have free trade in
pauper labor for to mine our coal."
"Now, Paul," says Whiskers, "you is
beginning to talk nonsense. Who talks of
pauper labor to mine our coal is a nanny
chist and a Jree trader, and a convict, and
a villain, and an. enemy of his country."
""Dere can be no doubt of dat, sir," says
Mr. PaUl, looking over my way to see had
I pulled de plug from do pint he had
ordered. "But .now dat you has mentioned
It. what do we want dese Job lot of coun
tries for, dat Mr. Roosevelt treatens to
hand out to us?"
Wlflskers looked like he tlnks Mr. Paul
G2
BRINGING
Hvery sufferer from Catarrh dreads tie coming of -winter, for -with the first breath of
the frost-king this miserable disorder is fanned into life and renewed activity, and all the
disgusting symptoms come back. With every fresh cold the temperature begins to rise,
the skin becomes hot and dry, the head aches almost to the point of bursting, the eyes are
inflamed and red, the nostrils are stopped up, and the mucus discharges, at first thin and
watery, gradually become thicker and yellow and often exceedingly offensive. The throat
and all the inner passages and cavities of the head are irritated by the acrid secretions,
resulting in loss or smell and deafness, and injury to
the soft bones of the cheek and nose, while the voice
loses its natural tone and has a harsh, rasping, unnat
ural sound.
But, if not arrested, Catarrh doesn't stop here ; the
mucous poison passing from the throat into the stom
ach and bowels is taken up by the blood and distributed
through the system, and the,, Liver, Kidneys, Stomach,
Bladder and all other parts of the body become infected,
and the disease which was considered so harmless and
simple in the beginning has become constitutional, far
reaching and serious'. Catarrh must be, treated through
the blood, for it is a systemic disorder, a taint in the
blood, that inhalations, washes, powders and salves
cannot each, and those who have tried them know the
effects are only temporary, that as soon as winter comes
with its cold rains, heavy fogs and chilling winds,
it brings back Catarrh and sweeps away all the good
that a long and faithful use of local remedies has
accomplished.
To reach inflamed membranes, check excessive
secretions of mucus and cleanse the feverish blood,
requires an internal remedy one that enters into the
circulation and drives out the catarrhal matter, and just
such a medicine S. S. S. has proven itself to be. It has been tested too often during the 40
years of its existence to need further proof of its efficacy. To attempt a cure alone -with
local remedies is an unending task, for it is impossible to check with douches, inhalers or
other local means the streams of mucus and catarrhal
Catarrh makes you teel bad all over ; it affects the diges
tion, produces nausea, destroys the appetite, makes you nervous, restless and too utterly
wretched for work or anything else. Jt is a common and almost universal complaint and
the most Humiliating and disgusting of all diseases. If the blood is all right winter's
coming brings none of the discomforts and disagreeable symptoms of Catarrh. Write us
full particulars of your case should you need medical advice, which our physicians will
cheerfully furnish without charge.
v THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, ATLANTA, GAm
must bo joking, but Mr. Paul wa3 as
sober as do judge In de Tombs, and he
says: "Give me de benefit of your cool
and wise judgment in dese matters and
put me wise, if not next on de game;
what do wo want wit dls bunch of sun
kissed nations Mr. Roosevelt is hanging
on to de door of his wigwam?"
'Taul, you surprises me!" says Whis
kers. "Foist we has no reasons to give to
de woild why we takes a nation now and
den. Haven't we got a hundred million
plunks for to spend on de Navy dls year?
Dat Is answer enough for dose traitors
whj.asks why we picks up a nation now
and den particularly before de delegates
is elected to de National convention. Be
sides, It's good for de nation what wo
take In out of de danger of being stolen by
tramps. We only takes away from 'em
delr liberty, and gives to 'em de blessings
of Wall street Dowle, Tammany, Chicago
streetcar strikers and Lieutenant Peary's
dreams about de Nort Pole! What do they
want? Take Canada, what ha3 she?"
"Not a ting," says Mr. Paul. "Not a
ting but land, labor and capital. But come
to tink of It dey is radder hot stuff to
take. Is Mr. Roosevelt going to take Can
ada?" "Is he going to fly In de face of manifest
destiny? How can he help taking Can
ada? Isn't she dere to be took? Isn't she
wort taking? Can't we take her? Is dere
any one or onyting can stop us taking
her? Paul, you asks such foolish ques
tions! Of course, we'll take her. De won
der Is she has not been took before dls."
"Ah, ha!" ,says Mr. Paul. "Now I be
gins to see, under your clear reasoning,
de beauty and extent of our National pro
gramme. Take overytlng In sight dat
we're able to take. Fine! It is simple; it
la beautiful; It is strenuous; it is Teddy!
And yet I suppose "do foolish Democrats
will go and waste good long green by noia-
ing a opposition conventlonl Poor things!
By de way, sir, will we havo to fight tor
dls splendid programme! If so, I'd best
put In me bid for a Major-Generalship,
before de doctors get 'em all."
"No," says Whiskers, comfortable like,
"dere will be but little fighting. Dat .isn't
de way now. We do tings different Say,
wo wants Panama. 'Well, some French
men flies airships, some has nations to
trade. In dls case a Frenchman puts up
at de Waldorf, and he writes to Secretary
Hay saying he has some shares In de ca
nal company what would have warmer
feet If de U. S. owned Panama. Did wo
want Panama! Mr. Hay says dat It was
a little late In de season for Panamas, but
If it was a job lot he'd take it and hold
It over till de market called for de goods.
So de Frenchman says It was de Jobblest
lot ever knocked down at a bargain. Only
ono or two hundred millions for a canal,
forty millions foVhlm and de odder stock
holders, a little oln money merely a few
millions for de bunch of professional rev
olutionists he had staked out down dere,
and de trick was tolned. Mr. Hay says
dat It seemed like taking candy from a
child to get it so cheap, and de contract
Is signed, de Frenchman hands over Pan
ama, wit a patent de factory and a de jury
attachment, and all join in singing, 'My
Country, It's Up to Do De'; and Mr.
Roosevelt can't keep from, winking de
next time he see Mr. Hanna. Dat's de
modern way of doing de trick. It's higher
diplomacy."
"Fine!" says Mr.. Paul. "Fine as silk.'
No more sassy questions from Europer
eh?"
"Oh, as to dat," says Whiskers, "a ques
tion or two, for de form of de ting. Rus
sia cables over, and says 'Hey. Rube,
what's doing?" and we says: 'If you don't
want your Uncle Sammy messing around
Manchuria, don't get fresh wit us.' Den
King Edward, he cables, and we says has
he got notting to do in Egypt dat he has
so much time to get busy wit us, and Ed
ward he takes de hint Perhaps Emperor
William he asks a question, and we says
If he has any time or. his hands dat his
Congo business don't need, we'd like him
to advise us how to run our business. So
de concert of Europe having sung its little
poison continually flowing into the blood. S. S. S. has
no equal as a blood purifier and tonic. This great veg
etable remedy goes into the circulation, reaching all
parts of the system, removing the foul secretions and
thoroughly cleansing and purifying the blood, and at
.the same time gives vigor to all parts of the system.
song, goes back to delr nation-taking, and
leaves us to oura Modern diplomacy con
sists of two bluffs and one wink."
"All as simple as bon jure!" says Mr.
Paul. "As de poet fellow says, 'Because
de good old rulo suffices dem de simple
plan, dat dey should tako who have do
power, and dey should keep who can."
Dat's de talk! But, sir, If it's all going to
be done wifout no fighting, what is de use
of dose hundred millions for do Army and
Navy for ever?"
"Sometimes," says Whiskers, "de fellow
what Is took from, gets silly, and wants
for to put bn do mitts, get Into de ring
and have It out Human nature Is unrea
sonable, and will fight just because it
tlnks it Is getting de wclst of a bargain."
"Naughty, naughty," say3 Mr. Paul.
"Now dere's Columbia," Whiskers goes
on. 'Some fussy nannychlst down dero
may say dat as we made our bargain for
a slice of Its neck of woods, wltout ask
ing her permission, or giving her any of
de rake-off, she will fight for her rights.
It Is wicked to tlnk of, but some folks Is
so silly dat dey will put up a fight for
what dey tlnks is delr rights, even when
we points out to em kindly, dat we has
ten tirteen-Inch guns for every one of
delr tin swords. Den wo has to go and
spank em. It isn't much of a job, except
for de Pension Bureau, which takes six
monts to enter de names of de honest
voters who might have been wounded If
dey had been in do war, and derefore is
entitled for to have a pension. But dat
Is a detail for mugwumps to chew de rag
over. It has notting to do wit de higher
diplomacy, nor with patriotism, nor wit
de getting of delegates to de next con
vention. Wo Is a peaceable people; but
It wo has to do it, no people will sell delr
worn-out yachts to de navy for twice
what dey costs to build em; put up do
price of food and fuel, and draw down
our extra dividends on coal road shares,
and packing house stock; sell paper shoes
to do army, and take do profits; pay ten
prices for armor plate, and boom United
States Steel; make new Government loans,
and pocket de war-rate of interest on do
coupons So people will do dese patriotic
tings quicker .dan we will when de bugle
call to anna stirs our blood, and quick
ens do life spirit of trade in Wall street.
We may be a nation of shop-keepers.
Paul but we know how to keep shop!"
"Sir," says Mr. Paul, "you rouses de
tlrst for war in mo sluggish blood
Chames, anodder bottle, quick! I shall
polish up me trusty blade, and buy steel
preferred; I shall put new flint in me old
squirrel rifle, and lay In a few reams of
coal road stock; I shall mount me gal
lant charger, and invest me savings in a
few old hulks dat can be pumped out and
kept afloat until del Government has
graDDea em on at me own price, for
transports for to carry our gallant troops
to de hated foe or as far as de noblo
ships can be Induced to stop on top of
de ocean. Hurrah!" ho says. "Chames."
ho says, "make it a quart. Let de honor
roll of major-generals hold de names of
every doctor what ever played polo wit
a President What care we! Let ma
make de nation's wars, and i care not
who pays Its pensions! If you can't get
a delegate by argument, get him by
bayonets!"
"Paul." chips In Whiskers, "you Is be
ginning to talk ridiculous. LWho said any
thing about pensions? Dese objectionable
subjects has no place In patriotism, pa
tronage or politics. Dey Isn't American.
Away wit em!"
Savants Were Mistaken.
At the beginning of the last century tho
Royal College of Bavarian Physicians
sought to forbid steam railway travel
becauso it would Induce delirium among
the passengers and drive tho spectators
crazy, while an English quarterly said
that It would as soon expect the people
to suffer themselves to be tied to one of
Congrevo's rockets as to trust them
selves to the mercy of a locomotive going
at the prodigious rate of 12 miles an hour.
IS COMING
NO ONE COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
Gentlemen: I had Catarrh, for about fif
teen years, and no man could have been
worse. I tried everything I could hear of,
but no good resulted. I then began S. S. S.
and conld see a little improvement from, tho
first bottle, and after taking it a short -while
was onred. This was six years ago, and I
am as well to day as any man.
I think Catarrh is a blood disease, and
know there is nothing on earth better for tho
blood than S. S. S. Nobody thinks more of
S. S. S., than I do.
Lapeer. Mioh. M. MATSON.
FELT LIKE A NEW
I take pleasnre in commending your S. S. S.
as an A-l good blood purifier. In faot, my
opinion of it is that it has no equal. I recent
ly nsed some dozen bottles of it and the ef
fects were all that I oould desire. My blood
was bad and S. S. S. thoroughly cleansed
and renovated it. I hadCatarrh of the nose
and throat, and to my gratification S. S. S.
cured me ofthis troublesome complaint, at
the same time it built up my general health.
It inoreased my strength and vigor, improv
ed my appetite, and, in. short, -when I got
through with your medicine I felt like a dif
fereatman. JAMES M. LYDEN.
811 Brownsville Avo. Pittsburg, Pa.
87th Ward, S. S.