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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 18, 1901)
THE- SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, AUGUST' 18, 1901. zr VMMY TH ! N J IN PROSE 1 11 I Iff! '7 )h few minutes, the game little machine was singing- and vibrating, ready for another race. It was with the greatest difficulty that find they are stopping at the same hotel with you. Don't introduce yourself by chatting OUT FOR A SUNDAY SPIN Mr. Rngby Undertakes to Show Mrs. Itngrby That He Can Manage the Fractions Automobile. "My dear, I am thinking of buying an automobile," announced Mr. Rugby, 4and the agent is going to send one 'round for me to try tomorrow morning. JWe will take a little spin and see how pre like it." Accordingly, the following morning one of the latest and fleetest gasoline automobiles rolled up before the Rugby flat. It was Sunday, and Mrs. Rugby, who was a regular attendant at church, had some scruples about going on the Sabbath. Mr. Rugby, however, overruled her objections by stating that it was sim ply impossible for him to get away from his office on a week day, and that, at aH events, a quiet little spin in the country would do no harm; moreover, they would probably be back in time for service, anj'how. "When. Mrs. Rugby found that the chauf feur was not to accompany them, and that Mr. Rugby himself was to guide the machine, she raised still further objec tions. "What do you know about managing the thing, anyhow?" she demanded. Mr. Rugby replied, with quiet dignity, that he guessed he knew enough to do such a simple thing as hold a brake, press a lever or turn a corner. "But you know, my dear, that you are very much lacking in mechanical genius," argued his -wife, and, to prove this, she referred to the time that he built a chicken-house in the backyard, and forgetting to leave an opening for a door, nailed him self securely within the coop. She also mentioned the occasion when he painted himself into a corner, when undertaking to stain the drawing-room floor. Mr. Rugby quietly Ignored these refer ences by remarking, with some sarcasm, that, although he might be endowed with a brilliant Inaptitude as a carpenter or a painter, be guessed be could run an automobile. Under "Way. It was, however, with many misgivings that Mrs. Rugby Anally seated herself in the horseless carriage. Mr. Rugby mounted the seat beside her, placd his hand on the motor,, and the vehicle moved, as by magic, rolling noiselessly and smoothly down the street. Afto? they ha'a gone a few blocks, Mr. Rugby remarked, triumphantly: "Well, by dear, how do you like it?" "Why, it is simply delicious," replied Mrs. Rugby. "It gives one the sensation of flying this moving through space so quietly and swiftly; I had no idea it was so delightful." Mr. Rugby sat up straighter and smiled indulgently down on the little woman at his side. Presently he pressed a lever, and the machine curved gracefully round a corner, as they sped down another street. "Wasn't that beautifully done?" ex cllamed Mrs. Rugby, rapturously, and she mentally regretted that she had ex pressed any doubt as to her husband's ability to handle the machine, when she saw how dexterously he did it. They rolled past the park, passing several acquaintances to whom they bowed grac iously, "There are the Jacksons," exclaimed Mrs. Rugby. 'Tm so glad they see us! She is so patronizing; -she is always taking pains to mention how much they drive. Isn't their horse a little lame?" Mrs. Rugby concluded, critically eyeing the Jackson quippage, as the automobile whirled past. x As they neared the suburbs, Mr. Rugby suggested that they go a little" faster. "I want to try the speed of the machine before I agree to take it," he observed, at the same time moving the motor. On the Instant, they shot ahead with an Im petus that fairly took their breath. As soon as Mrs. Rugby recovered hers, she exclaimed, in alarm: "Is it running away?" "Well, I guess not, while Tm at the helm," .shouted Rugby, and they dashed on like a whirlwind. Fences, trees and houses flew past them light lightning. People stopped to stare at the flying ma chine", small boys hallooed and horses shied, as they saw their arch enemy bearing down upon them. In a few min utes, the town -was far behind, likewise Mrs. Rugby's hat. Hats Don't Count. "Do stop this machine!" she chattered through her set teeth, as she clung to Rugby's arm. "Can't you control It?" j "Certainly, certainly!" asserted Rugby. "But what do you want to stop for? I onjoy their racing," and he fumbled nerv ously at the brake. "But I've lost my hat!" shrieked Mrs. Rugby. "So have I," replied Mr. Rugby. "But never mind; they're a mile back by this time," and -he muttered, under his breath "Confound the thing! Why don't It -work?" The speed seemed to increase, and the little engine throbbed and whirred, as the automobile flew over the rpad. Gradual ly, in the distanc ahead, the shining sur face of the lake appeared. The automobile was making straight for it In vain did Mr. Rugby press the lever, turn the brake and struggle -with the unrulv machine. It seemed like a thing of life, and mis chievously rushed on toward the expanse of water, now but a short distance away. As they neared the lake, Mr. Rugby rose) In excitement and despair, as ho saw before him the certainty of an impromptu bath, and shouted to a group of men, standing on the shore: "Head us off, can't you? We can't stop ourselves!" His appeal -was apparently lost on the jnocking winds, as the machine shot wild ly into the lake. There was an angry hiss; the feed pipe refused to work, there by cutting off the supply of gasollne. and the runaway paused in about two feet of water. Mr and Mrs. Rugby were drenched to the skin. The spray had risen from the rapidly revolving wheels, as if a whale had spouted and given thorn a shower bath. The men on shore immediately rushed to the rescue and assisted In getting the machine out of the water. An ingenious mechanic happened to be one of the group, and he discovered that a bit of waste cotton had gotten into the feed pipe. "What a fortunate' thing!" sobbed Mrs. Rugby. "Otherwise we would have gone on and on, and I can't sw-swim at The mechanic worked awaV and. In a Mrs. Rugby could be persuaded to resume Pjeasantly of your last season's social triumphs. Tho people who knew you best then will appear later in the season and your prestige will suffer accordingly. Don't complain because men aro scarce. It's a law of nature. Don't try to form a man trust for your own exclusive benefit Don't be disagreeable to the dull man because he failed to bring down those six clever friends of his on Saturday night The successful woman must bo a hypo crite. Don't fail to take an interest in the mission church. The rector is almost sure to have a young assistant before the Sum mer Is over. Don't forget that last Winter, in a burst of hospitality, you Invited all vour sirl friends to visit you. Because they are sure to come, and it will under any cir cumstances be difficult to conceal your dis appointment. Don't fail to cultivate some little ec centricity or trademark, so that the peo ple who gossip about you will not be obliged to remember your name. It's Just as well to bo known as "the girl with tho disgracefully short bathing suit" as to be called "that? Miss Higglns." Don't get engaged to men you are likely to meet next Winter. Your own wit should teach you to avoid that danger ol monotony. Don't forget that you are the central fig- use or tne .National life and that every body Is looking at you. Because it's as well to keep your illusions. Philadelphia Inquirer. the trip. They were 10 miles from the city, and there were no electric or steam, cars near; besides, the damp condition of her clothing would not admit of her taking passage In a public conveyance. Her confidence in Rugby's ability to man age the machine was completely shat tered, and it was only on condition that the mechanic who had repaired the auto should accompany them that she con sented to re-embark. She borrowed a mackintosh from a sympathetic woman who lived near by, and they started on tho return trip. The clever mechanic, who turned out to be an electric-car motorman, insisted that Mr. Rugby act as chauffeur, while he assumed the role of adviser. This ar rangement soothed Rugby's lacerated feelings, as It would have wounded his self-respect past all repair to see himself superseded. Everything went so smooth ly that Mrs. Rugby gradually regained her spirits and confidence, and when they reached town, raised no objection to Mr. Rugby's proposal that they leave the motorman at his own door, which was a mile or more from the Rugby flat, and then proceed quietly, by way of an un frequented street, to their own home. No sooner had they left their counsel lor and guide, however, than they met a long funeral procession. It was not practicable, nor even possible, to dart between the carriages to make the turn Into the sid- street which led to the back door of their flat, so there was nothing for it, but to wait for the procession to pass or proceed down the main thorough fare. The latter course seemed more desirable, as it was near the hour for divine services tc close, and Mrs. Rugby was getting nervous, lest they meet their acquaintances. To be sure, the main street led directly past her church, but Rugby assuied her that he would go at such a high rate of speed that her own mother' cou'd not recognize her, should It haiipen that service was just dismiss ing. So they decided to chance It A Drcndfnl Mishap. Just as thc-y were opposite the church the doors swung open; the tones of the or gan pealed forth, and the people poured out. Rugby touched a lever, but, instead of darting away like a winged thing, that terrible automobile piously pranced up to the pavement and came to a full stop. Instantly, Rugby saw his mistake. He had pressed the wrong lever. But it was too late to escape. The street was swarm ing with people, on foot and in carriages, and no one but an expert could steer an automobile through such a crowd, with any degree of safety. The Rugbys, despite their disheveled and hatless condition, were instantly rec ognized by a multitude of friends, some of whom hastened to them with anxious injuiries; while others, including the Jacksons, stared and passed coldly by on the other side. Tho following day the Rugbys left town, on an indefinite vacation. H. B. F. 'TWAS IN THE MOONLIGHT Man Proponed, Mother "Was Thank ful, Daughter Gave Blessing. They were talking about popping the question, and a thoughtful man who had not joined in the discussion hazarded the observation that, in many instances, the popping was accidental, owing to environ menta moonlight night, which always went to the head; propinquity, or some other result of circumstances. He was greeted with howls of derision and asked to prove his premises, which he finally did. "I boarded with a widow and her daughter before I was married, and fell violently in love with the daughter, who had no other suitor,- but seemed rather Indifferent, receiving my advances with great coolness, yet not actually rejecting me. Indeed, she had not the chance to do that, for I had not proposed, but had quite made up my mind that I would do so at the first favorable opportunity. . The widow, who was young enough to contemplate a second marriage with a rich lumberman who boarded with them when In town, was evidently well pleased with me for a son-in-law. I was old enough to be settled in character, and had enough of this world's goods to make a comfortable home for my wife and have something over. My only fear was in regard to the girl herself. And the Moon "Was Shining'. "One lovely moonlight night, as I was going to my lodgings, it occurred to me that I had been dangling after Nellie a good while and had. never asked her to marry me, or even talked sensibly of my plana for life. I had made love in the usual gushing method, but I had not spoken of any serious intention, either to her or her mother. I decided to ask her that very night and announce our en gagement to her mother with her on my arm. Well, you'll see how fate criss crosses Into Cupid's affairs. "Nellie was standing at the window when I entered the parlor, her slim, graceful form outlined against the lace curtains In the moonlight, her small, sleek head thrown back, as she looked pensive ly into the sky. Now was my oppor tunity. There was no other light in the room but the moonlight, and I stole up and slipped by arm about her slender waist and poured i out a flood of superla tives which told her that other girls may have been loved, but not in such de gree as she would be. If she would con sent to marry me! I was an orator in love, as the dullest man usually is. She responded by laying ner dear head on my shoulder, and. sealing our bethrothal with a kiss, I led her to the other end of the room. Her mother had just en tered, and I wanted her congratulations. "Gentlemen, it was Nellie I faced, with her mother's head on my shoulder. I had proposed to the widow, who was her daughter's counterpart, except in the mat ter of years, and she had accepted me. "Before I had timo to utter a word of surprise or expostulation, I was the recipient of such hearty congratulations that I saw I had escaped a refusal, and the matter was clinched, when Nellie fin ished by saying: " 'I shall be so proud of my new papa! Mamma, you're a peach!' "And what became of the widow?" "Became of her? Why, I married her, of course." "Did she ever know of the mistake?" "Not much." Chicago Record-Herald. XABBED OX THE SPOT. ILLUSTRATED TITLED "TOO MUCH JOHNSING." SOME "DON'TS" AS IS "DON'TS." Things for the Wonlil-Be Successful Summer Girl to Con. Don't In choosing the field for your campaign of 1901, let anybody persuade you that you like rusticity woods, streams, farmhouses, "clotted cream," and all that You don't. Don't forget that what you want is plenty of hotel piazza, a large and public beach for bathing, and golf Jinks within view of the hottel. Insist on having them. Don't omit your athletic outfit, however much you may suffer from Inertia. It's becoming and convincing. Don't assume that you are the only or iginal Imported brand of Summer girl, and advertise yourself as such. There are always other varieties "just as good," and if you make the mistake of introduc ing an element of competition you will I mull Mil T ilMhyNMx imWW& fe Wfl J Wrmmmmi ( j -'Wcc N'SJ ' j: POEMS WORTH READING Too Rare a Visitor to Be Dismissed Without ReiYard. As the visitor sat down near the desk, the editor glanced him over and was rather pleased with his appearance. He was a man of good size, acreeably ap pareled, intelligently countenanced, reso nantly voiced and of pleasing personality. "I have traveled somewhat in tha United States," he said, when the editor looked up from his work as a signal that he was ready to listen, "and it occurred to me that I might have something I could tell your readers." "Um er,' hesitated the editor, "travel Is one of the things that Is written to death. SlSll, if you have anything to say that has not been said we will be glad to consider it. We aro always ready to buy what we think out readers want to read. What did you have to offer specially?" 'Nothing in particular, I believe; but a good deal in general. It Is not so much what I have to offer as what I do not have to offer." "Ah!" And the editor paused on the threshold of an unsatisfied curiosity. "Will you please explain?" The visitor smiled. He Explains. "Certainly," he responded. "For in stance, I will offer something about Maine, but not refer to her scarcity of liquor nor her superfluity of spruce gum; I will have something to offer about Boston, but will not refer to her beans and her brains, nor to the cosmlcality of the whereness of her at; I will have something to offer about New oYrk City, but will not refer to her police force as the Irish standing army; I will have something to say about Connec ticut, but will not refer to her wooden nutmegs and hams; I will have something to say about! New Jersey, but will not refer to It as a foreign land; I will have something to say about Philadelphia, but will not refer to Its slowness or the grass growing In its streets; I wiU have some thing to say about Washington, but will not! refer to the arduous labors of her statesmen; I will have something to say about Virginia, but will not refer to her crop of mint juleps; I will have something to say about Kentucky, but will not refer to her pretty women, her fine horses and her good wh'sky, and I will have some thing to say about Delaware, but will not refer to the fact that the frost has killed tho peach crop." Here he paused to take breath. Resum ing, he remarked: Mnch Else to Say. "I will havo something to say about Texas, but will not refer to the hanging of a prominent citizen for stealing a horse; I will have something to say about Cali fornia, but will not refer to the size of its liars; I will have something to say about tho Dakotas, but wijl not refer to them as being In the banana belt; I will have something to say about Chicago, but will not refer to the abnormal growth of the feet of her ladies; I wiU have something to say ahout St. Louis, but will not refer to her superiority to Chicago; I will have something to say about St Paul and Min neapolis, but will not refer to the word rlvah y; I will have something1 " "Hold on," exclaimed the editor, "you're all right You just go ahead and write your stuff and I'll get! it in the paper even If I have to throw out the society news and editorial. We pay on publica tion. Make out your bill." Chlcasro HAD REASON 10 BE Ml If Yon Should Hear Your Xew Panal ma Traduced at His Was, You'd Be Mad, Too, Wouldn't Youf Record-Herald. " Labor. A slant? Yes, with all a giant's force. And all a giant's patience In its use. With toll-bent form he takes his plodding course. An object of coercion and abuse. He never thinks his Titan strength to lose On those who drive him, but reserves it all To bear the world's sreat burdens; to pro duce At the behest of his oppressors small. He might be master, yet continues as a thrall. He Is a social outcast, being poor; Too humbled to proclaim his real worth. A sense of servitude he must endure Prom those of wealth and so-called gentle birth; And yet he makes the wealth of all the earth; The palace builds, to beg before Its gates; He lives In want and suffers from the dearth Of luxuries that he himself creates. He meekly bears it all and blames it to the fates. He makes the mountain yield her store of gold. And yet its blessings are to htm unknown; He fills the land with bounties manifold, Yet others xeap the harvests he has sown. He, through his toll and industry alone, The wilderness into a garden turns. Yet others take" the fruitage for their own. Greed beats him down and filches what he earns. . He feels it all, but still the lesson never learns. The parasites feed always on his veins. The vampire, interest must fill Its maw, While Rent and Profit, looking for their gains, By night ana day his life-blood ever draw. He creeps unto his pallet made of straw, Thus weakened and reduced to poverty. He's bound and duped by fictions of the law. But when his real friends would make him free. He turns from, them to kiss the hand of ty ranny. jf He is the Atlas bearing up the world. When he at last grows conscious of his power. The pigmies from his pathway shall be hurled And his .oppressors from his might shall cower. Above the startled nations he shall tower Like some Leviathan aroused from sleep. There shall be justice then; and from that hour The wages that he merits he shall keep, The fields in which he sows, there shall he also reap. Sleep if you can, secure In dreams of ease. And follow np your greed and low desire, O creatures with your stolen luxuries, "Unmindful of a People's growing ire; But know the God of Nineveh and Tyre, Of Babylon and Borne, reigns yet today; And know your unjust system shall expire, In some red night of ruin and dismay. Across whose- wake the dawn of ages shall grow gray. Goad not too far the giant Think of him. His service to mankind through all the years, His slavery in ages past and dim. His toll whose wages were but blood and tears. Has he no claim that to your heart endears His patient worth? Why crush him for your gain? For know the hour of his redemption nears, When all your tyranny shall be in vain. The klnrdom he creates, there shall he also relcri. Denver News. My Neighbor In the Flat. I never really met her, Yet I know I can't forget her Should I live to be as ancient as the late Methusalum; For thin was the partition, And her favorite position Was at an old piano, where she'd drum, drum, drum. She was at It in the morning. When she'd wake me without warning, And she'd keep the thing a-golng through the entire blessed day; And when I'd strive to slumber Some Infernal old back number From the Young Beginner's Album she'd be sure to up and play. With old Mozart and Beethoven She had no excuse for loafln'. But she'd raise the very mischief with some silly ragtime dance; And 'though with Liszt and Chopin She was never fond of copln'. She'd knock the very cover from a horrid cake walk prance. The piano she assaulted Must have graced the castle vaulted Of an ancient discord-raiser In the early days of Home; And I scarcely need to mention That the thing deserves a pension, And a chance to end existence In some hospital or home. Of course I couldn't stay there, For It seemed as If each day there Was a little worse than t'other oae, If such a thing could be; So I gathered up my chattels And I left that box of rattles, As I fled from those apartments just as quick as I could flee. It is true I never met her. But I really can't forget her Should I live to be grandpapa -to the late Me thusalum. Oh, that wretched, thin partition! Is it still her foul ambition To slaughter that planner with her drum, drum, drum! Cleveland Plain Dealer. His Wish. They looked the new 'moon In the face, "Now make a wish." said she; "I will if you will make one, too," He answered pensively. They gazed up at the crescent that Hung In the western sky, And wished and turned away and each Broke off a little sigh. They sat alone upon the steps. He and the maiden fair; She looked around to be assured No one was lurking there. "What was your wish?" she sweetly asked, "Ah, something good, I know! Confess, and I will tell you mine, Perhaps, before you go." He looked Into her upturned eyes, Her little hand sought his. "My wish tonight," he said, "was what My fond wish always Is: I wished that I. somehow, might find The road that leads to fame That, dying, I may leave behind A great, an honored name." v- She pulled her little hand away, She sighed another sigh, "What fools they are who wish," she said; "Good evening and good-by!" And, going home, he wondered at The sudden change of air Somo people know so little of The ways of maidens fair. Chicago Times-Herald. J Transcendentalism. It Is told, in Buddhl-theosophlc schools, There are rules. j .to- uu:rving wnicn, wnen munaane laoor Irks, yjuv can simulate quiescence By a timely evanescence From his Active Mortal Essence, (Or his Works.) The particular procedure leaves research Jn the lurch. But, apparently, this matter-molded form Is a kind of outer plaster, . Which a well-Instructed Master Can remove without disaster When he's warm. And to such as mourn an Indian Solar Clime At Its prime 'Twere a thesis Immeasurably fit, So expansively elastic. And so plausible fantastic, That one gets enthusiastic For a bit. Just to sit and roam and idle till the day Dies away. In a mistiness imponderably spare, An attenuated double, Like an achromatic bubble That has left the Pipe of Trouble For the air. And with gossamer of shadowy desljm Opaline, To assume the filmy fabric of an hour; Free, diaphanous' and airyt In the garb Imaginary Of a feather-headed fairy On a flower. Oh, to leave one's earthly tenement asleep In a heap, To detachedly regard It as It lies, With an epidermis pickled Where the prickly heat has prickled And a sense of being tickled By the flies. Let the intricate mosquitoes do their worst Till they burst; Let them bore and burrow morning, noon and night; Till again I seek asylum In my definite (though whilom Void and vacant) corpus vllum, Let 'em bite. Oh, my cumbersome misfit of bone and skin, Could I win To the knowledge that would render me exempt, In a mold of decent ether, Frailer, lighter than a feather, I should simply treat the weather With contempt! 1 I should lay my clumsy habitation down With a frown, And, pursuant to my comfortable aim. Riving every mortal shackle, I should quit my tabernacle, And serenely sit and cackle At the game. But, alas! "the mystic glory swims away," And the clay Is as vulgarly assertive as of yore; And the cuticle is pickled Where the prickly heat has pricked, And the ears and noSe ore tickled As before. His Mournfnl Plain I. I want to be a Magnate Of some kind. I don't care A dern what kind of Magnate, If I can get my share Of stock and bonds and moneys. And gold and grease and grain, And coal and transportation, And other things of gain And profit to the holder Because I need a raise, And I'm out for any Old thing that pays. II. I'm sure I've no objection And would not raise a fuss If somehow I should happen To be an Octopus; A really, truly Octo Pus, with tentacles That reached In all directions With everlasting pulls At everything of profit Because I need a raise, Acd I'm out for any ' , Old thing that pays. III. ' A Boss Octoplan Magnate That owns the earth Is what I yearn to be this minute, And have the finest yacht To sail around my proper- Ty and see If I Could find somewhere some other Good thing that I could buy To add to my possessions Because I need a raise, And I am out for any Old thing that pays. W. J. Lampton In New York Herald. And until the Buddhl-theqsophlc schools Print the rules That will teach us to repudiate our woes, Body mine, tho others chide thee, And consistently deride thee, I shall have to stay inside thee, I suppose. Timc3 of India. The Babbler at the Play. Of the bores that are bred 'neath society's wing, ' Where they flourish, unheeding the satirist's sting. One geolus in Impudence rivals the rest And pre-eminent stands as the Theater pest. For the bores we allude to ignore all restraint, They're as deaf to appeal as they are to com- plalnt; Pachydermatous nuisances surely are they. All those garrulous people who chat at the play! Who Is there that knows not the scenes they - create In the stalls every night by arriving too late? Who Is there that hasn't with reason, grown surly ' At their troublesome craze for departing too early? Who Is there that's felt not the weight of their feet As they push, none too gently, their way to a seat? And who does not know, to their ansry dis may, How, once seated, they chat all the time at the play? , The plot may be thrilling they care not one bit; They prefer their own Jests to the dramatist's wit. The hero may crawl to the limelight to die With the smallest small talk their companions they ply. London Truth. The Cup Defenders. I saw In dreams the other night Time roll Its curtain up. Revealing on the sapphire deep The squadron of the Cup. Like swans upon the created wave They proudly swept ahead The racing yachts of fifty years With all their canvas spread. The schooner-built America, The. veteran of the fleet. That dared to cross the stormy sea Old England's yachts to meet, Returning with the silver cup In triumph o'er the blue. Showed how to win the prize again And how to keep it, too. The Magic and Columbia First Sappho and Madeleine (Last of the schooners In the class. For racing honors seen), The sloop-rigged Mischief. Puritan, Mayflower and Volunteer Were sailing with the Vigilant, To every yachtsman dear. Defender rode, a tower of snow, Upon the foaming sea. Her sails all set as when she met The British Valkyrie; And reeling oft a yeasty wake Still ready for a race, Columbia second scudded past, A miracle of grace. Then Constitution from their midst Came swiftly speeding by, A tall, white wonder, with a mast That raked the Summer sky, A clorious cloud of windy sail On ocean's heaving breast. She skimmed the billows like a bird. And lo! led all the rest. Leslie's Weekly. Harbor Dawn. There's a h,ush and stillness calm and deep. For the waves have wooed all the winds to sleep In the shadow of headlands bold and steep; And some gracious spirit has taken the cup Of the crystal sky and filled it up With amber wine, and In It afar Has dissolved the pearl of the morning star. With the first red sunlight on mast and, spar A ship Is sailing- beyond the bar, Bound to a land that Is fair and far. And those who wait and those who go Are brave and hopeful, for well they know Fortune and favor the ship shall win That crosses the bar when the dawn comes in, The guardian hills the bay enfold. In purple raiment are horded and stoled And smlt on the brows with fire and gold; And In the distance the wide white sea Is a thing of glamor and witchery With its wild heart stilled to a passing rest And the sunrise cradled upon Its breast. The Criterion. He had just purchased a real twelv dollar Panama straw hat None of yj Imitations for him. The hoi pollol m.j not appreciate the difference between tb good qualities and the bad, but what C. he care for their opinion, anyway. He walked down tho aisle of an "L car resplendent In a blue serge suit, ti snoes and his Panama, and sat dwrj on one of tho cross seats next to man glorying in one of the flfty-cent Iir. tatlons. oYu couldn't dUDlicate the lick: of scorn that the man of the Panama gave his fellow seat holder. It wouIJ have crushed a man more mindful of thr opinions of other people, or les3 confident of his own good sense. But that one long, withering look of scorn was not the only one whfch or friend of the Panama bestowed upon his neighbor. At Intervals of two or thrca minutes you could see him turn his eja in the direction of that fifty-cant imita tion with a "hold-mr-back" expression, upon his countenance. By the time they had traveled 30 or 40 blocks, the man of tite Panama ser mci surprised that his neighbor had not ae yet given any excuse for living. On the side seats, at right angles to tha seat on which sat the man with the Pana ma and his companion, sat two your? men, who boasted nothing mora preten tious than ordinary sailor etraw hats, although, from, their conversation one of them, at least, had higher aspirations. Must Have One. Said one to the other: "You know, James. I think I'll ,et one of thesa Panama hats. They seem to be all the rage." "I know: but the trouble Is, you'll g-t stuck. You won't know the quality of the straw, and you'll pay a big price for something that isn't worth a dollar." "Oh, no; I know all about It, and befora next week you'll see me wearing a ten dollar Panama, without any doubt, and I won't get stuck, either." "All right, Tom; it you want to losa your money, of course it's none of mi funeral. But if I were you, I would cer tainly get some one who knows some thing about straw to go with me to buy it" "But I tell you I know ail about it al ready." (In a stage whisper) "See thjt hat over there?" pointing to that of our friend of the Panama. "Well, of course.. I don't intend to buy anything like that' our friend of the Panama assumes a look of superiority and a eelf-satlsflei grin pervades his countenance. "I know a good hat when I see it" wider grlnj from under the Panama "and of course I wouldn't get stuck with a thing llko that" something like convulsions from under the Panama "but the kind of hat that I am going to buy will be some thing after the style of that one right next to it, although of course, not eo expensive. Why. that's a hat that cost $15, If it cost a cent, and a man doesn't have to be a Porto RIcan hatmaker to see the difference between that hat and the one of the fellow in the serge suit. I don't see how any one could possibly get stuck with a thing like that" point ing to the Panama, under which, by tho way, there now seemed to be an incipient volcano "and it's equally easy to see the superior quality of the one next to It, I'm going to get" Tlie Volcano Bursts. The volcano bum. With a withering look of scorn, the man of the Panama arose, his face as red as though he had been trying to stare the sun out of coun tenance on a hot day at the seashore, and had come out only second best. Turn ing to the young man who knew it all, and more besides, he said: "My friend, I may have been a darned fool to pay $12 for a hat only to have it said that Jt is not as good as one that, I'll wager my bottom dollar, didn't cost more than 50 cents, but I don't need you to keep taunting me behind my back about my injudicious purchases, so you. want to stop right where you are. You may be very smart abqut some things, but what you don't know about Panama straw hat3 would fill a small-sized li brary!" And the man who knew it all subsided, thus diminishing the danger of an apo plectic stroke from the man of the Pana ma. New York Herald. Just as Mnch a Q.ucen. In olden times, when a girl grew up. They tied her with ropes of gems. They shackled her ankles and wrists with ore, And they crowned her with diadems. They soaked her tresses In perfumed oil, They rubbed her with pastes and things, Then brought her forth, as a queen, befit To rivet the gazes of kings. But now a dip In the tumbling waves, WKh a rest on the sands between, A linen skirl, and a sailor hat And she's Just as much of a queen! Life. EASY WAY OF.SPECTLATING. Uncle Jerry's Thrilling; Wnll-Street Experience. "So you saw Wall street, eh?' wa3 asked of Uncle Jerry as he got back home from New York and was ready to tell of his ad ventures at the village store. "Yes, you bet I did," was tho hearty reply. "Yes, sir, I went rieht down, to Wall street almost the first thing after I got to New York." "And you speculated?" "I did. That's what I went down there for. I wanted to learn the ropes, you know. It's just as easy to speculate la Wall street as It Is to fall off'n a fence." "How did you do it?" "Why, I was standln' on a corner when a feller came up and asked If I wanted to speculate in cotton. I told him I did, and he walked me Into a place where a ticker was tlckln and said: " 'Old man, cotton has gone up 0 points and you are 50 cents ahead. Take your money. "I took the 50 cents and sauntered around a bit, and then another man came up and wanted to know it I'd like to take a little flyer in wheat. I told him I would, and he walked be Into a place and said: " 'Old man, wheat has tumbled and you are out $1. Hand over the money!' "Was that all there was to it?" asked one of his neighbors. "That's all. I handed the money over and said I was much obleeged and strolled off." "But you lost 50 cents." "I know it" "And ain't you going to raise no fuss about it?" "Xaw. Why, bless your soul, but there ain't a day in the year that fellere ain't losln from $3 to $10 on Wall street and instead of kickln they go around looking as balmy as pumpkins and ask everybody they meet whether they'll have soda wa ter or ginger ale." New York Telegraph. "