The Sunday Oregonian., December 30, 1900, PART THREE, Page 27, Image 27

THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, DECEMBER 30, 1900.
27.
r?MiY
TBI NOT
IN
P-IlOfl Ei
HIS DOINGS OF ONE DAY
Extract From a Pnp'a DIaryt CoTcr-
iasr Its Ovrncr'i Vaklnc Honra
trom Koob to Bedtime.
7 A. 31. Woke up feeling: rather below
par, owing to disturbed rest. Hardly en
ergy enough to stretch myself. In the
middle of the night a strange man, came
In by the kitchen window very quietly
with a bag. I chummed up to him at
once. Ho was nice to me, and I was nice
to him. He got mo down a piece of meat
that I could not reach myself. "While
I was engaged In this ho took a whole
lot of silver things and put them Into the
bag. Then, as he was leaving, the brute
I believe now It waa an accident trod
en my toe, making me yelp with pain. I
bit him heartily, and he dropped the bag
and scutricd off through the window
agali. My yelping soon woks up the
whole house, and4n a very short tlmo
old Mr. Brown and young Mr. Brown ap
peared. They at once spot the bag of
silver. They then declare I have saved
tho house, and made no end of fuss with
me. I am a hero. Later on Miss Brown
cam down and fondled me lots, and
kissed me, and tied a piece of pink rib
bon round my neck, and made me look
Ilk i fool. What's the good of ribbon, I
should like to know? It's the most beast
ly tasting stuff there ever was.
8:30 Ate breakfast with difficulty. Have
no appetite.
S:3& Ate kitten's breakfast.
S:C6 An affair with the cit (the kitten's
mother). ,But I soon, leave her, as the
coward does not fight fair, using claws.
Pertinent Reflections.
9:00 Washed by Mary. A hateful busi
ness. Put Into a tub and rubbed all over
mouth, tail and everywhere with filthy,
soapy water, that loathsome cat looking
on all the while and sneering In her
dashed superior way. I don't know, I am
sure, why the hussy ehould be so con
ceited. She has to clean herself. I keep
a servant to clean me. At the same time
I often wish I was a black dog. They
keep clean so much longer. Every finger
mark shows up so frightfully on the white
part of me. I am a sight after -cook has
been stroking me.
9:30 Showed myself in my washed state
to tho family. All very nice to me.
Quite a triumphal entry, In fact. It Is
simply wonderful the amount of kudos
I've got since that Incident with the man.
Miss Brown (whom I rather like) particu
larly enthusiastic. Kissed -me again and
called me a "dear, clean, brave, sweet
smelling little doggie."
9:40 While a visitor was being let in at
the front door I rushed out and had the
most glorious roll In the mud. Felt more
like my old self again.
9:45 Visited the family again- Shrieks
of horror on seeing me caked in mud.
But all agreed that I was not to be scold
ed today, as I was a hero (over tho man).
All that Is, except Aunt Brown, whose
hand for some reason or other is always
against me think nothing is too good for
tho dog.
9:50 Glorious thought! Rushed upstairs
end rolled over and over on the old maid's
bed. Thank heaven, the mud was still
wet!
10:00 to 1:00 Dozed.
1:00 Ate dinner.
1:15 Ate kitten's dinner.
Asnlrt Attacked ly Cat.
1:20 Attacked by beast of cat again.
She scratched my hind leg, and at that I
refused to go on. (Mem.: To take It out
of her kittens later.)
1:25 Upstairs into dining-room. Family
not finished luncheon yet. I go up to Miss
Brown and look at her with my great,
pleading eyes. I guessed It; they are Ir
resistible. She gives me a piece of pud
ing. Aunt Brown tells her she shouldn't.
At which, with great pluck, MIss Brown
tells her to mind her own business. I ad
mire that girl more and more.
1:J0 A windfall. A whole dish of may
onnaise fish on the slab in the hall. Be
fore you can say "Jack Robinson" I have
bolted It.
1:32 Curious pains in my underneath.
1:33 Pains in my underneath get worse.
1:34 Horrid feeling of sickness.
1:35 Rush up to Aunt Brown's room,
and am sick there.
1:37 Better. Think I shall pull through
if X am careful.
1:40 Almost well again.
1:41 Quite, well again. Thank heaven!
It was a narrow shave that time. Peo
ple ought not to leave such stuff about.
1:42 Up to dining-room. And to show
how well I am I gallop round and round
the room at full pelt about 20 times,
steering myself with my tall. Then, as a
grand finale. I Jump twice on to the
wt'lstcoat part of Mr. Brown, who Is
sleeping peacefully on the sofa. He wakes
up very angry. Indeed, and orders Mfss
Brown to beat me. Miss Brown runs the
burglar for all he Is worth. But no good.
Old Mr. Brown Is dead to all decent feel
ing. So Miss Brown beats me. Very nice.
Thoroughly enjoyable. Just like being
patted. But of course I yelp and pretend
it hurts frightfully and do the sad-eye
business, and she soon, leaves off and
takes me Into the next room and gives
me six pieces of sugar. Good business.
Must remember always to do this.
2:00 to 3:15 Attempt to kill fur rug In
back room. No good.
3:15 to 3:45 Sulked.
3:4G Small boy comes in and strokes mc.
I snap at him. I will not be every one's
plaything.
Odloun Aunt DroTvn.
3:47 to 4:00 Another attempt to kill rug.
Would have done it this time, had not
that odious Aunt Brown come in and in
terfered. I did not say anything, but
gave such a look, as much as to say.
"I'll do for you one day." I think she un
derstood. 4:to to 5:16 Slept.
5:15 Awakened by bad attack of ecze
ma. 5:20 Slept again.
5:15 Awakened again by eczema. Caught
on.
3:30 to C:00 Frightened canary by star
ins greedily at It.
C:00-Visited kitchen folks. Boned some
bor.es.
6:15 Stalked a kitten in kitchen pas
sage. The other little cowards ran away.
C:20 Things are looking brighter.
K0ped mouse escape from cat.
C:S0 Upstairs. Pass the drawing-room.
Door of old Mrs. Brown's bedroom
opened Invitingly. I entered. Never boon
in before. Nothing much worth having.
Ate a few ilowcrs out of a bonnet.
Beastly.
"KO Down to supper. Ate It, but with
out much relish. I am off my feed to
day. 7:15 Ato kittens' supper. But I do wish
they would not give them that eternal
fish. I am getting sick of It.
7:25 Nasty feeling of lassitude comes
over me, with loss of all initiative, so I
decided to take things quietly and lie
down by the kitchen fire. Sometimes 1
think I am not the dog that I was.
S.00 Hooray! Appetite returning.
E:01 Ravenous.
S:05 Nose around tho kitchen floor and
glean a bit of onion, an imitation tortoise-shell
comb, a shrimp (almost en
tire), an abominably stale chunk of bread
and about half a yard of capital string.
Another "Find."
8:30 If one had to rely on other people,
ono might starve. Fortunately in the
hall I happened on tho treacle pudding,
ar.d I get first look in. Lap up the treacle
and leave the suet for the family.
8:40 Down to the kitchen again. Sit by
tho fire, and pretend I don't know what
treacle is like. But that vile cat is there
and I believe she guesses keeps look
ing around at me with her hateful, supe
rior look. Dash her, what right has she
got to give herself such airs? She's not
half my size and pays no taxes. Dash
her smugness. Dash her altogether. The
sight of her maddens mc and when her
back is turned I rush at her and bite her.
The crafty coward wags her tall, pre
tending she likes It, so I do it again, and
then she rounds on me and scratches my
paw viciously, drawing blood and making
me howl with pain. This brings Miss
Brown down in a hurry. She kisses me,
tells the cat she is a naughty cat (I'd
have killed her for it), gives mo some
sugar and wraps the paw up in a bread
poultice. Lord, how that girl loves me!
9:00 Ate tho bread poultice.
9:15 Begin to get sleepy.
9:15 to 10:00 Dozed.
10:00 Led to kennel.
10:15 Lights out. Thus ends another
dcrned dull day. Exchange.
A Cinch Game.
It was the "noon hour, and there were
a dozen "hands" gathered in the tobacco
warehouse all very black. Yarlous forms
of petty gambling had beon tried with
out fully satisfying their gaming in
stincts. Then Steve, who was big and
fat. said:
"Boys, less make up'er puss. Less all
put in cr nickel, and den let de pile go
to dc pusson what names de bes' eatings.
Marse Jimmy'll be de Jedge."
This was agreed to and soon there was
a little heap of nickels on the box round
which they were gathered.
"Now," said Steve, "we'll draw fer de
fast go." The next moment he grinned
with delight as he drew the marked slip
from Marse Jimmy's hat. He paused for
a space as he gave the weighty matter
adequate consideration, then he said,
slowly:
"Uh, yaes, de bes' eatings! Well, I
says possum, taters, watermilllon "
A small black hand shot forward and
snatched up one cf the coins.
"Whatcher doing, Charlie, you sneak
ing houn dog?" roared Steve, In a rage.
"Shet up, you blam' fool nigger!" an
swered Charlie, doflnantly. "Yo think i s
gwlne stay In dls yore game when yo"
done name all dey Is?" Harper's Magazine.
He Wanted Xothlnpr.
When the gentleman at the desk had at
tended to the cases of various applicants,
ho turned to a pleasant-faced, well
dressed man who was patiently awaiting
bis attention.
"Well," he said to him wlthv a smile,
"what can I do for you today?"
"Xothlng," was the quiet response.
"Ah, that's pleasant: everybody seems
to want some sort of a favor. Come In
and sit down. You are a relief."
Tho pleasant-faced man bowed and
accepted the invitation. "On the other
hand." he said, when he was comfortably
settled, "I want to give you something."
"That's nicer than ever," smiled the
Illrdlets Thnt Lived In a "Wood.
Some very queer blrdlets once lived In a wood.
And some wero most wicked, while others were
good;
The worst was a burglar who always was
robin,
"While the saint, bird of paradise, for sins e'er
was sobbln' ;
There was a stern teacher who said "Whlp-
poor-wlll!"
And made the quail quake until he couldn't
stand still.
The disconsolate bird was the bluebird, of
course.
And the gay bird, a lark, laughed himself
nearly hoarse.
The chaffinch cracked Jokes and poked fun at
his brothers.
While the crane joked his neck into business
of others.
EVr looking for danger, the c4d cassowary
Employed for his flagman, the bunting so
airy.
And one like a cat. ate his food 'twas the lap-
w lng.
As vulgar a fellow as ever did flap wing.
Tha banker, you know, was the careful gold
finch. And the faker, a gull, rook folks In at &
pinch.
There were birds of professions, and learned
ones too!
Astonishing things they did sdy. write and do.
There" was a mad poet, and he was a raven
His verse he had sung, and recited, and
graven.
The aeronaut bold was a venturesome kite;
The astronomer starling sat up late each
night.
His highness, the angler, a. patient king-flsher.
Presented line catches to every well wisher.
But the bird of all others most looked up to
Was the popular baker, a great fat cuckoo:
When you saw hosts of birdllngs go scurrying
by.
'Twas when Sir Chef Cuckoo stirred up a mag
pie. At the bake shop flamingo kept up a brisk Are.
And the kindlings a woodpecker chopped freo
of hire.
Decllclous preserves were put up by can-axy.
And the cowblrd had charge of the fresh.
sweet cream dairy.
Toward the close of the season there was a
great ball.
And kind Invitations were given to all.
At the feast 'twas the swallow that ate up tho
most.
As the crow of his own feats continued to
boast
The gay little sandpiper played for the danc
ing. But the swift who was quickest soon grew
tired of prancing.
They ended the fun with a concert of song.
At which nearly all warbled loudly and long.
Except sweet Miss Hummingbird, modest and
shy.
Who sang to herself of pink flowers and bluo
sky.
'Twas late, yet they asked for more songs, and
yet more.
But old Grandpa Eagle stepped out on tlie
floor:
"Time's up, now go home ere you see the day
light for even the curlew shall not sing tenlghtr
New York Sua.
Love and I.
We hold hands.
Love and I;
And sit together:
Wo spread the book of life
Upon cur knees and turn Its leaves
In fair or cloudy weather.
To see . .
3ut pictures there and potry.
There may be hard, dry prose
Somewhere upon those
Pages; yet we see
But pictures there and poetry:
And sigh fer the
.Ybo only uad tc hard dry prose.
William J. Lamoton In New York Sun.
host. 'Tve heard that It waa better to
give than to receive, but I've never had
much chance to try both."
The visitor took a. book out of his
pocket.
"I want to give .you," he said, bowing
again, ''an opportunity to put your name
down for the finest work ever spnt out
by a publishing firm in" But he never
finished the sentence. New York World.
Got Even "With. Ll-Ho-Wack.
In one of the missionary schools in
China called Queen's College, the ages of
tho male students range from 9 to CO.
Often father and son attend school to
gether, and sometimes run a spirited race
for tho first place in a class. Sometimes
family rivalry is productive of dire re
sults. Mr. May. the second master, had
been a short time at the school when one
day he noticed that a boy was absent,
and he made inquiries as to the reason.
The following dlaloguo in Chinese took
place:
Officious Boy Please, sir, Ll-ho-wack
Isn't well.
Master What's tho matter with him?
Officious Boy His father thrashed him
last night, and he is too bad to come
to school today.
Master He must have committed a
grave fault to merit so severe a thrash
ing. What did he do?
Officious Boy Please, sir, he laughed
when you caned his father yesterday.
New York Press.
REVISED VERSION OF THE
i -i - - - - - - --ii t i nTpnium
-- . .... --. -.., --- 1 T - T -
One fine moraine an old Man and his little Grandson set out for the market leading a Donkey, which they purposed Selling for what price
he might Fetch.
"When they had gone about a Mllo they passed a Countryman, who called them Fools and asked what a Donkey was for If not to Rids
upon.
"Right art Thou, my friend," replied the Patriarch: "surely was a Donkey meant to be ridden." and he swunr the little Boy up on to
the Donkey's back and they proceeded on their way.
Fifteen minutes later they met an old Lady, who, when she saw them coming, looked earnest!' at them over her specs.
"For the Land's Sake!" cried She, "and never before have I seen ono so Toung and yet so Selfish! Shame upon you. my Boy, to Rlda
so Comfortably while that poor, old Gentleman must Plod along'on Foot'."
So the Boy got Down and Bade his Grandpa set up and Ride. This the old Gentleman did, and for a Time things went Smoothly.
Soon, however, they met another Countryman, who Chlded the old Man for allowing the Boy to walk, whereupon tho Patriarch, In
eore Perplexity, bade .his Grandson get up In Front of Him. and away they went. Both riding on one poor little Donkey.
At the next Crossroads they were overtaken by a party of Yokels, who Joshed them unmercifully and threatened to notify the S. P. C
A. if they psrslsted In so Overloading the Donkey.
This so Angered the Patriarch that he could scarce keep his Temper, but he saw the Justice of the Yokels' remarks," and, dismounting,
he procured a long Fence rail. Getting a good Strangle hold on the Donkey, he Threw the patient Beast and tied Its feet to the Ball.
Then they each shouldered an end of the Ball and went along. Staggering under the Burden, but satisfied at Last that every one would
be Pleased.
The Donkey, however, was far from being comfortable, and succeeded In getting one foot loose, whereupon he began to Kick, forcing the Boy
to drop his end of the Pole. By this time they had como to a Bridge, and the Donkey, in Struggling, managed to Tumble over tho Ball Into
Fourteen feet of Water and was swept down Stream by the rushing Current.
He managed to struggle Ashore a little way Downstream, and. Just as he entered the Forest where Freedom awaited him, ho looked
back over his Shoulder and saw the Fool Killer, hot on the trail of the Patriarch.
"It seems to me," reflected the Donkey, "that Even I am not the Limit when It comes to Aslnlnlty." Chicago Tribune.
The Old Cider Mill.
You would scarcely call It music, that loud
noise we used to hear.
And the big machine was rough and Inartistic
in its gear.
But we loved It yes, we Iovrd It, and we loved
the nectar tide
That came flowing from the old press standing
there near to Its side.
It had stood upon the old farm since our
great-grandfather's days.
In the snows and winds of Winter, In the Sum
mer sun's hot blaze
Stood anear the fruitful orchard, and It may
be standing still.
Doing duty In its loyalty, the old cider mill.
f
We would hitch the old mare. Betty, to Its
long and crooke-d sweep
She that always stood so quiet half awako
and half asleep
Put a freckled kid upon her and around the
ring they'd go.
Ha as proud as any rider In a gilded circus
show.
Such a grunting and a squeaking and a
squashing It would make.
How, as If In fit of ague, ft would tremble and
would shake.
As the wooden Jaws so hungry we with rosy
fruit would fill.
Oh! It had a hired man's appetite, that old
elder mill!
Over yonder In the orchard, underneath the
laden trees.
Faces ever fresh and rosy from tho kisses of
tho breeze.
All the boys and girls were busy shaking
apples to the ground
And In piling up tho beauties till the wagon
came around;
Then we'd load the Juicy treasures and we'd
pile up on the load.
And would Jolt along In rapture down the dim
old orchard road.
All tho echoes having trouble with our screams
so loud and shrill.
On the way to dump ocr cargo at the old
elder mill.
Even yet wo hear the humming of the hungry
honey bees
Coming from those days of childhood borne on
recollection's breeze.
And can see them sip the sweetness from the
old mill's grinding maw.
While we'd suck the samo rare nectar from tho
big tub through a. straw.
No champagne of jstly vintage nor no cele
brated wine
From tho cellars of creation ever tasted so di
vine As the sweet, delicious droppings that the
monster tub would fill
From the press that stood companion to the old
elder mill.
Denver Evening Post.
Beneath the Mistletoe.
the stood beneath the mistletoe
For very near an hour.
Fresh as a violet In the snow.
And fairer than the flower.
Anon she sighed and raised her head, .
And sighed again, the miss.
For toward her none their footsteps led
To claim the Christmas kiss.
Not that she was not dear and sweet
It was not that at all.
But simply, not a fellow's feet
Strayed, all this time, the halL
At last she heard approach two men
"Aha," she cried, "at last!"
And stood to meet the shock, and then.
Her breath came hard and fast.
But still she felt no embrace grand.
No kiss her lips to smother
For one man was her husband, and
The other was her brother.
Anna de Bernbrech In New York World.
PROOF POSITIVE.
Episode ob JAnUa Settles Qacattoa at
Some Moment.
The old-fashioned woman and her up-to-date
friend were lunching at Ardsley,
anQ. incidentally, were, for the nine hun
dred and ninety-ninth, time, threshing out
the subject of the modern glrL
"You may talk as much as you please,"
said the old-fashioned woman firmly,
"but you will never persuade me that
this athletic craze, out-of-door sports,
equality with boys and all that sort of
thing Isn't robbing girls of their fem
inine charm. Tho change is more marked
every day. I see it in every group of
girls I meet. Of course, there are girls
who are charming In splto of their train
ing, but I rarely meet one who attracts
me. They are slangy and loud, or if they
don't use slang, at least they swagger
and lack grace and delicacy and refine
ment. Their manners aro as freckled as
their faces and their good breeding is as
disheveled as their hair. No, my dear,
I don't like them."
"But they aren't all like that," pleaded
the up-to-date woman who went in for
out-of-door sports herself.
"Didn't I admit that? Tho exceptions
prove the rule. Now you. for Instance,
are charming. Yet you play golf."
"There Isn't anything demoralizing
about golf."
"There Isn't! A freckled, blowsy girl.
OLD STORY OF THE MAN, THE
The Mythical Santa Clans.
L
I ain't much more'n seven, an still I knows a
lot;
But dls here game of Chrlsmas, be-Jee! It's
got me caught!
I heard de kids a-chewln de rag about a guy
W't tumbles downjde chlmbley w'en no ono
else ain't nigh.
Wit' baskets full of candy, an udder t'lngs
like dat
I t'Ink dem kids was on'y conwersln trew dare
hat!
'Cause we has got a chlmmey, an a roof dat's
open, too;
But no old guy wit candy ain't never yet
come trew I
U.
Mo frlen', dat's Swipes McGoogln, he tolt me
to me teet
Dat dem w'at hangs up stocktn's Is Sandy
Claws es meat. '
So. I believes McGoogln, an chases homo to
Mame
Homo Is me little sister, wa'ts awful weak an'
lame
An den I saya to Mamie: "Say, Sis, we'a got
a cinch!
Wo Jlst hang up our stockln's, an' Sandy
Claws' U pinch
A lot of presents fer us de fines' In de land!
An w'en wo wakes tumorrer we cats to beat
de band!"
in.
Jee! Mame was tickled crazy but mudder on'y
cried;
Poor mudder can't help t'lnkln' of de time
w'en fadder died,
So Mame she ups an patches her stockln's wit
a rag;
An me, not bavin any, gets Pop's old carpet
bag.
An' dare, 'longslde do chlmbley, wit tho stars
a-shlnln' down.
Wo hanrs dem up an waits .for His Nibs to
como aroun' ;
But blmeby I gets sleepy, an do last t'lng dat
I sees
Is mudder by de chlmbley, a-prayln' on her
knees.
TV.
Mo mudder was a-sobbln an' moanln' in her
sleep.
Wen I gets up an chases rar do gifa to take a
peep;
It was early In the mornln', an' Mamie's
sleepln' yet.
Wen I looks In her stoatln's to see w't did
she get.
Jee! but dat guy was frosty! Ain't nuttln'
dare essept
One little wormy apple w'at no one else'd
kept.
An In Pop's carpet bag dare's not a slngla
t'lng in sight. '
Say! I was up ag'lnst It fer certain, now dat's
right.
7-
Wen I ups an' tells McGoogln dat he gets mo
In a hole
Bo tellln' me dat Sandy Claws Is such a good
old soul,
McGoogln says, says he: "I tried to work da
racket, too;
But I got the half of nottta. Jest de same, be
Jee I as you."
So I t'Ink dat folks Is on'y conwersln trew
dare hat.
Wen dey says a guy goes roun" wit gtfs an
odder t'lngs llko dat.
'Cause me an' Marnlo tried It, an' all we got
to show
Is a wormy little Apple w't hadn't tlmo to
grow!
-George V. Hobart la Chicago Times-Herald.
with her faco perspiring, her collar off,
her sleeves rolled up, her hands dirty and
her noils full of sand and clay, her voice
loud, her talk full of slang, and her walk
like a ploughman's! If that isn't demor
alization, where will you find it? That's
your average golf girl."
"You are horribly prejudiced." The
bruised worm was beginning to turn and
lose its temper. "Just because you are
too delicate to play, you can't see any
thing in the game. I suppose, since a
golfer is such a painful sight, you don't
care to go around with Mrs. Smith and
your depraved friend."
"I'd llko it. I enjoy the game and you
get all tho evil effects."
So peace was declared and the three
women started off. As they came up to
the fourth tee they stopped to watch a
girl who was Just about to drive off. The
up-to-date woman's eyes gleamed with
triumph. "Look at that," she said loft
ily to the old-fashioned friend, "Did you
ever see anything more exquisitely fem
inine and dainty in your Ufe7"
The girl was deliclously pretty, pink
and white with warm touches of Sum
mer brown. Her hair curled enchantlngly
around her piquant lace. Her white
shirt waist and her well-fitted skirt were
on the best of terms and met invisibly
under a trig leather belt. Her collar and
tie were immaculate. Her sleeves were
not rolled up, but were lifted Just high
enough' by silver clasps to leave her
wrists free.
Altogether, sho was an apparition to
BOY AND THE DONKEY.
"Wansall the Jfevr Year!
Stand up! closo up! In living ring,
With beakers foaming high.
Wassail the new year while ye watch
The rugged old year die.
"Farewell and hall!" tho wind harps wall;
Red, red the yule-log burns;
0r ere the red wears ashen beard.
Old Time his world-glass turns.
Tlmo where the cycles meet and part
Within his change-house grim.
Sits aye at dice with Love and Death,
Till all his coffers brim.
When, high and far, a cycle-star
Low In Its cresset burns.
Ho loudly saith to Love and Death.
As swift his glass he turns:
"No niggard I, my lieges bold!
See In the crystal clear
A hundred fresh fair shining sands.
And every sand a year!
Each year a sign this soul of mine
For hazard royal yearns.
Come, loso a heart or win a crown,
Before the world-glass turns!
"Play, lieges! play! now throw for throw
We keep a rattling main.
While Life the braggart, envious-pale.
Strains on his fetter chain.
Who balanceth "twlxt Love and Death
Hazard less royal spurns;
Throw o'er and o'er, nor reck, the score ?
Until tho world-glass turns!"
Stand up! close up! In Irving ring.
With beakers foamine lilgh.
Wassail the new days while ye watch
The rugged old days die!
"Farewell and hall!" the wind harps wall;
Red, red the yule-Ios burns;
Or ere the red wears ashen beard.
Old Time his world-glass turns.
-Martha McCulIoch-WlIllams in'McClure's.
"Job's Comforter.
One said: "I wear a pleasant emllet
No matter what is wrong;
I'll give my fellow men a look;
Of gladness all day long."
And so he smiled In kindest way.
And people murmured that
His mind was weak, and that he grinned
"Just like a. Chessy cat"
One said: "Wherever I may be
I'll raise a happy song.
That weak and feeble souls may feel
Uplifted and made strong."
He sang, and all the neighborhood
Said: "If you want to bawl
Llko that, why don't you hustle out
And try to hire a hall?"
One said: "The world is full of woe,
Our toll with care Is blent.
ril cheer the workers on with kind
Words of encouragement."
And so he spoke in accents mild
Some words of weight and worth.
And for his thoughtfulness was asked
To please get off the earth.
And that was right. 'TIs not the smile.
The song, nor yet the shout.
That does as much as does tho man
Who tries to help us out;
Who pitches in and gives a lift.
And does not stand afar
And tell us, what wo know ourselves.
How cad our fortunes are-
Baltimore America,
"He's a Peach V
He feels his words in torrents corns
When practicing his maiden speech; I
Then stands before his audience dumb
And hears the fellows "He's a peachl
Chicago Tlmes-Uerald.
reduce a man to driveling Idiocy, and a I
woman to admiring wonder and envy.
If sho opened her lips, surely the pearls
and rubles of tho fairy story would fall
from them.
The three women stopped to watch her.
Even the old-fashioned woman beamed
approval.
The girl swung her club In fine form
and brought it around with vim. Tho
ball rolled Jerkily 15 or 20 feet from the
tee and lay there blinking viciously at
the sun. The pretty golfer slammed her
driver down on the turf and stared rue
fully at the ball. Then she gave vent to
her feelings:
"Holy Saint Mike, what a bum swat!"
The up-to-date woman sat down limp
ly on the grass and looked up at the
friend whose case was proved, but the
old-fashioned woman was magnanimous.
"That wasn't demoralization," she said
in awe-struck tones; "that was positive
genius." New York Sun.
"Where Did He Learn It?
Just to show how the serenity of the
most flawless temper may give way under
sufficiently exasperating' circumstances,
the following Instance Is related: A prom
inent business man residing In Jennings
avenuo Is known for his very precis use
of tho English language, aa well as for
his suave and exceedingly correct deport
ment at all times. So particular Is thl3
gentleman that he frequently has notified
his family to be extremely careful as to
what they say before a 3-year-old grand
son residing in the'house. as children aro
eo ready to pick up Improper expres
sions. This youngster Is a great favorite with
the old gentleman, so much so that in
the absence of the nurse girl on a recent
morning he offered to assist the little fel
low at his toilet All went well till it
came to a shoe that was so peculiar In Its
fit as to need a shoehorn to bring It to
place. Tho horn didn't happen to be at
hand, but grandpa wasn't one of the kind
to give it up.
Still it was pretty late when tho pair
appeared at breakfast, and some one re
marked: "Well, It took a long time to
dress. What was the matter?"
The youngster promptly replied:
"Why, we got along all right till wo
came to that damned shoe!"
And shocked as they were, not" ono of
the family asked the little fellow where
ho had heard such bad, bad language.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
What -Pap Told Him.
A party of drummers had assembled at
a railroad station In a near-by village to
wait for a train. One of the drummers
was very bald, and the others wero guy
ing him about It.
"Well," said the bald one, "there
wasn't room for the braln3 and the hair,
and the brains, being most numerous,
pushed the hair away."
A sallow countryman who was stand
ing near by, put in, "That ain't what pap
told me."
"What did ho tell your asked ono of
the drummers.
"Pap," responded the countryman,
"alius 'lowed as hower empty barn
didn't need no klver."
The bald-headed drummer bought tha
drinks. Memphis Scimitar.
Snre Care for Insomnia.
Dean Ramsey, the witty Scottish di
vine of the last century, used to relate an
amusing tale about one of the Earls of
Lauderdale. HIk lordship wast taken ill,
the worst symptom being Insomnia in an
aggravated form.
His little son, hearing that -recovery
would be Impossible without sleep, said:
"Serd for ,the preaching- mon frae Liv
ingston, for"fayther aye sleeps when that
minister Is In the pulpit" The minister
was Immediately brought He preached
a sermon, sleep came, and the Earl re
covered. Medical Record.
Queer English.
We'll begin with a box, and tha plural Is
boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl Is goose, but two are called
geese.
Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese.
You may find a lono mouse, or a whole nest of
mice.
But the plural of house Is houses, not hlce.
If the plural of man Is always called men.
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow In the plural may bo cows or klne,
But a cow If repeated is never called klne.
And .the plural of vow Is vows, not vine.
And If I speak of a foerc and you show ma
your feet.
And I give you a boot, would a "pair bo called
beet?
If one Is a tooth, and a whole set aro teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of both bo called
beeth?
If the singular's this, and the plural Is these.
Should the plural of kiss be nicknamed keese?
Then ono may be that and three would be
those.
Yet hat In a plural would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren.
But though we say mother, wo never say
methren.
Then masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;
But Imagine the feminine she. shi3, and shim!
So the English, I think, you all will agree.
Is the most wonderful language you ever did
ceo.
Penny Pictorial Magazine,
' Mother Is the Only One. ,
Ah, mother's gettln old and gray;
Some day, why, she'll bs laid away 'o
Down In th' field by th old mill stream,
Where all the roses love to dream. 4
And when thet happens, like ez not
Tho old farm'll Jest "bout go to pot;
We'd lose all hope, ef ma was gone,
Fer sho most runs the farm alone.
Up with the sparrers every morn.
Callln' the chickens to their corn;
She cooks a meal I wouldn't trade I
Fer tho finest farmhouse ever made;
She cleans th house an sets the hen, ..
An shoos the pigs back to their pen;
She feeds the cow, an then she goes
Inter th house, an sews, an sews,
An bakes a cake, an runs th churn
An gathers In th wood t' burn;
An ef you say, "Ma. rest awhile!"
She'll answer, with her old sweet smite, i-
"Child. I ain't tired a bit. Are you?
We can't rest when there's work to do.
An' supper o'er, the chores all done,
She hears our lessons, one by one.
An then she sees th cat Is fed.
An puts the children all f bed.
An when th family's tucited away, .
Then she, alone, kneels down to ray.i
Yes, after all Is 6ald and done
Your mother Is the only one.
Success
A. Rose ia a Boole
'Neath a song of love It lies.
Left here long ago
r By the hand of one o'er whont
Roses, mayhap, grow.
- Yellowed e'er with years the page,
Dimmed tho vermeil dyes,
Yet meseems a. sad sweet breath
' Thro the rose still sighs!
Bloomed It for a bridal bower?
h Drooped It o'er a bier?
Nono can tell; but, near the flower,
Lo, where fell a tear!
'Neath the song where thro' Hope's note
t Changeless, lilting goes,
f Love's low mournful minor now
Rises from the rose!
Mary Norton Bradford In Boston Globe
mm
EFFORST ALL FOR NAUGHT
He Sought to Hypnotise the Train.
Conductor, "Who Set Him Down as
Caso for "Snake Ward."
"I had a funny experience on the train
coming in from Baltimore tho other day,"
said a guest at ono of the "hotels. "I had.
gone Into the smoking compartment to en
Joy a quiet cigar, ana found a meek
looking young man, whom I sized up as
a clerk from some country store, sitting
in the corner reading a little book. Ho
had fishy blue eyes, thin, sandy hair.
Plastered down over his forehead in a
couple of inverted arches, and a cttin
that sloped inward like tho undercut of a
yacht. I paid no particular attention to
him. at first, but presently I became aware '
that I was being stared at, and glanced
up to find that ho had fixed me with his
fishy blue eyes. I writhed under the in
fliction for a few moments, and then got
mad.
" 'What the dickens do you mean, sir,
by glaring at me in that fashion? I de
manded. He turned as red as a lobster.
" 'Excuse me,' he stammered: 'I didn't
mean any offense. I was well, to tell
you tho truth, I was Just practicing a lit
tle. " 'Practicing? I repeated in amaze
ment: 'practicing what?'
" Why, practicing hypnotism, ho re
plied; 'I'm taking a mall course, and X
want to seo whether I am developing any
power. I think Tve got tho conductor'
partly under control right now. ha added,
confidentially.
Draws Him Out.
"I thought for o. moment I hadVa luna
tic on my hands, but I saw ho was thor
oughly in earnest, and, ror tho sport of.
the thing, proceeded to draw him ouL.
Just as I had surmised, he waa a country
clerk .and, according to his story, he had
recently received a circular from somo
fakir who claimed to be able to teach
hypnotism in 10 easy lessons by roalL The
lessons were $2 E0 apiece, and ho was
then on tho fourth, which was contained
in the little booklet ho was reading. The
'professor advised him to practice con
tinually, ho said, dnd for that reason ho
had given me the Ancient Mariner glara
that first attracted my attention.
" 'I am afraid you aro a difficult sub
ject,' he went on, "but I have been work
ing with the conductor ever since I got
on board and I am pretty sure he Is now
In what wo call the demi-trance state
" 'Does the conductor know what you
have been doing? I asked, repressing a
violent desire to guffaw.
" 'Oh! no,' he replied, 1 have merely
looked him in the eye, according to rule
six, and made a few slight passes when
he went by for tickets.'
"I remembered the conductor as a strap
ping big fellow, morose-looking," con
tinued the story-teller, "and I couldn't
resist the chanco of having some fun.
'Suppose you make some test next tima
ho comes in,' I suggested, 'and see wheth
er you really have him. under the influ
ence.' 'That is exactly what I was think
ing of doing,' said the youngman. I
warmly applauded the idea and for tha
next 10 minutes X hugged myself inr de
lighted anticipation.
The Opportunity.
"At last we passed a way station taS.
along came the entranced conductor, look
ing particularly gruff and holding, a bunch,
of tickets in his hand.
" 'Conductor.' said I, when ho appeared
at the door, 'will you..pleasa step in f or-a
moment?
" Nows your chance!'- L- added in a
whisper to the hypnotist.
" 'Well, what is it?' asked the big chap
coming into the compartment and glanc
ing around. I could see my companion
was making a desperate effort to put on
a bold front.
" 'My friend, ha said pretty firmly,
what is that' you have in your hand.'
" 'Tickets,' replied tha conductor in er
tone of surprise.
" Oh! no, they are-not, said the hyp
notist; 'they arelizards, two small green t
lizards!' '
"I thoughtthe conductor-would nave jw
fit. His eyes .bulged out) toff? his head ana
his neck turned a rich'pnrphs XdzardsW
ho roared. 1
" Yes, lizards, said the young maBW
rather faintly; 'don't-you. see themr-wrifi
gllng?'
" 'You're crazy 1 retorted'the-oonductorV
Tho hypnotist turned pale-and edged baclc
Into his corner. 'Don't get mad, ha
pleaded; 'it's all right; I only
" 'Now, look here, young fellow, said
the conductor, cutting him short. 'I'va
been noticing you ever sines you got on
this train, and I'd advise you to changa.
your brand of whisky. If you don't you'Tei
going to wake up In tho bug ward of
some hospital, and you'll see all kinds at
lizards and snakes and monkeys with tin;
hats on. What's the matter with him,
anyhow?" he demanded, turning to me.
I was so shaken with internal laughter
that I could hardly reply.
Can't Always Tell.
" Tha gentleman Is all right,' I man
aged to say; 'I'll attend to him for tha
rest of tho trip. 'Well, look out foa
yourself,' said the conductor, gloomily;
you can't tell what a mart's liable to
do when he gets In that fix.' After ha
J had taken his departure my hypnotkr
friend heaved a sigh of relief.
" 'I can't understand It he said. 1
went exactly according to directions, as
you see for yourself. Maybe, though, ha
added, I ought to have commenced by
pressing down his eyelids and saying
"Sleep!" The book says that It is neces
sary in some cases.' I advised him not
to try it unless he had his life heavily
insured and wanted to collect the policy..
Then I let myself loose and lay back anil
roared until I nearly threw the train off
tho track. The young man looked hurt;
and while I was still in convulsions, ha
got up with dignity and withdrew to tha
day coach. I didn't see him again. I
think, however, that' he will suspend fur
ther experiments until he gets as far, as
leasts as lesson eight New Orleans
Times-Democrat.
Amateur tenor (who has been abroad)
Ah, my man, you are an eye doctor, X
understand?
Oculist I am an oculist, sir.
Amateur tenor Well, what I want t&
know Is whether there is a way to prevent
the eyes from, filling with water whlla-.
singing?
Oculist None that I know of, except to
steel your heart against th sufferings or.
Lthe audience. New York World.