HEB SimBAY ORBGOIAH. POETLAOT), NOVEMBER 11, 1900. f
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. ' HJ U. I "I 'II L ..1UiU
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The 'Good Old Says.
Oh, for the days when shirts of mail
"Were quite the proper thine,
When, every time you took a step,
Tou heard your armor ring;
When you could not remove your coat.
Without a monkey wrench.
And fools who slapped you on the back
With pain their fists would clench.
EL for the days of Iron "pants,"
(Or trousers, as you please)
When they were quite too well put up
To bag much at the knees;
"When you felt sure within your plates.
Tear bucklers and your grieves
And when the docs would bite your lees
Tou chuckled in your sleeves.
Ho, for the time of iron hats,
ABd iron cloves as well.
When by the pound you bought your garb
These good days, truth to tell,.
When, by the aid of rivets bis
Teu fastened on your duds.
And s'pender buttons did not drop
With sad and solemn thuds.
Baltimore American.
BUYING THEIR FALL HATS
Martyrdom of Intending Purchasers
at Hands of the Tyrants Who
Utile in Mlllinerydom.
Place Any large millinery establish
ment Time The present.
Persons A number of haughty Bales
women; a lordly floorwalker; a number
of weary-looking possible purchasers
wearing their Summer and last "Winter
bats.
First possible purchaser to floorwalker
I wish to look at plain black hats.
Floorwalker Certainly, madame; take
a seat, madame. Miss Panne, are you
engaged? Show this lady some gay red
hats.
First posible purchaser I wish to see
plain black hats.
Floorwalker, airily Oh, certainly;
bright blue hata, Mies Panne.
Miss Panne glides swishlngly across the
room; returns with her arms full of pea
cock blue, nile green, burnt orange, royal
purple, solferlno, shrimp pink, pure
white, old rose, turquoise, cerise, magen
ta and automobile red hats.
The customer I said plain black hats.
Miss Panne, addressing the cellng
They're not wearing plain black hats this
season.
Second possible purchaser to haughty
saleswoman, holding In her hand a young
henroost of a hat I'm a member of the
Audubon Socle tyv I tell you, and I want
no bat with birds' feathers upon it not
even a goose quill. Show me something
that Isn't feather trimmed.
Flight of Andobonlte.
Haughty saleswoman salla.off; returns
with a setting hen turban in one hand
and a bird of paradise poke in the other,
and says as Audubonlte bolts for the
door "They're not belonging to the Au
dubon Society this season."
Floorwalker prostrates himself before a
portly dame clad unostentatiously in
cloth of gold and sunbursts.
Floorwalker, between salaams State
Federation millinery? In a special room
all to Itself, madam. No one allowed to
come within ten yards of it unless she
can show membership in at least seven
clubs and wears the minimum number
of badges 107. Ilss Velours will take
you there. (ABlde to Miss "Velours,
"Treat her white. She's Mrs. S. Ervlnla
Seoond-the-Motion. seventeenth vice-president
of Sorosls and she's good for six
teen bonnets at leastone for each ses
sion of her hen party up at Albany next
month.)
Haughty saleswoman to possible pur
chaser on the shady side of 60, with gray
ing sandy hair, turned-up nose, wart on
ohMVthe -customer is seated before a
mirror; upon her head is a rakish cart
wheel in cerise velvet and turquoise tulle,
with white plumes dangling over one
ear Beautiful, madam; beautiful! And
such a simple little hat! We call it our
rainy-day hat; so suited to wet weather
and that sort of service, you know.
They're not wearing fancy hats in the
rain this season. Not every woman could,
of course, stand so severe a style, but
you, madam, can, of course, wear any
thing. Yes madame. Paid or charged?
Anything to Salt.
Haughty saleswoman to possible pur
chaser whose head nestles into a hat
with all the ease of a round peg- In a
square hole not comfortable, madame?
Well, you know they're not wearing com
fortable hats this eason. Really, I
should hate to suggest a single altera
tion. However (sighing), if you wish, we
can turn the hat inside out- (Turns t
Inside out) We often do that when
cranks I mean customers, complain. Or
we can stamp on it (Jumps up and down
on the hat several times.) This not only
enlarges it, but alters the shape. If you
like, of course we can make it still larg
er by adding a bay window In front and
putting a cupola, on top. Some era cus
tomers prefer a porte cochero In front
and a balcony at one side. Any car
penter will tell you that's all this hat
needs.
Floorwalker to a customer who asks to
look at bats under $166 3S They're not
wearing hats under 5165 3S this season.
Haughty saleswoman to doubtful pur
chaser; a regular circus of a hat is on
the doubtful purchaser's bead; on her
face an. expression as though she half
suspected she was the fright fine Is Let
me get a veil and then you can see how
the hat realty looks on you. You can
never tell how any hat Is-going to look
until you see it with a veil, you knew.
There (throwing the glamor of a bit of
dotted net over the reddened nose, the
freckled cheeks and the uninteresting
eyes), now you can see for yourself how
becoming that hat is. (Ties vol! with a
fetching knot in the back. Still sees min
gled doubt and .suspicion on the face be
hind the veil.) Of course it isn't every
woman who leeks well in a veil; so few
(with a sigh.) But yes, madame. Oh,
by this venlng. most assuredly, madame.
Paid or charged?
Xot n Bit Small.
Haughty saleswoman to possible pur
chaser upon the apex of whose topknot
topples a hat the size of a dime Too
Knoll? Oh, ho, indeed. They're not wear-
Ing hats to fit this season, you know. Just
let me get you a magnifying glass. There,
you see It doesn't look smalL If It feels
too Email, It's the fault of your hair
that's -the trouble. Now If you would
Just wear your hair a trifle higher, or
lower, or over one ear or down your
back like a Chinaman's pigtail, or have
It shaved off altogether. They're not
wearing much hair this season, you know.
New York Sun.
OFFICB DEVIL PIiAYS GOLF.
Subsequently Narrates Experiences
to Admiring- Auditors.
The office devil went out to tho golf
links during the championship tourna
ment of the Newspaper Golf Club and
was permitted to make one round of the
course. That night the devil, between
the moments when he was fiercely shoot
ing around the office yelling "copy," sat
on one end of the desk and told about his
wild adventures on the golf links.
"Hully gee!" said the office boy, as he
spat reflectively through his teeth at a
cockroach that was trying to carry away
a lunch basket, "say. It was a picnic. Yer
ought ter hav seen yer uncle wid der fun
ny bats. Every time I took a swipe at
de ball I dug up about a bushel of grass
and stuff, and de committee made a Josh
about running me in for tearin' up their
grounds.
"I had a horrible time starting. Td yell
'come four er 'leven' or what 'tis dat you
holler, and den I'd spit on my hands and
I'd make a holy swipo at the ball and,
gee! I'd Just tip It on de top and it'd go
about a half column. Everybody -was a
glvln' mo de horse laff, so I quit a holler
In', and all of a suddint I swiped dat ball,
and gee! you ought ter a seen it sail;
and it hit one of committee's wlfes rite in
de back of do neck. And, say, I thought
de old girl was dead. She got up and
kicked around and wanted 'em to make
me quit playing, but BUI and all de gang
stood by me, and dey said: 'Ah, any
body'd make a accident. Gwan, Jimmy.'
"And so I chased up after the ball and
hit 'em again for keeps. I got it agoln
again and dis time I got inter one of dem
bumpers. D'y know wot a bumper is7
Ah, a bumper Is like wen dere maktn'
a sewer and dey trow up a lot of dirt ous
of de hole. Well, de dirt dat dey trow up
Is the bumper, an' you haf ter make de
ball go a hoopln' over de bumper, 'cause
if it falls down In de hole on one side
de stuff's all off.
"My ball got down dere In de hole,
and It made me mad. and I got them
bats wid de iron business on de end and
I whacked away at de ball for keeps. I'd
keep a hittin clods and a sallin' 'em over
like I was tryln to throw things at the
gang on the other side.
"Purty soon I walloped de ball one, and,
gee whiz! It went a whoopln' over dat
bumper and lit away out In de tall grass.
I tried to carry it into bounds, 'cause I
tlnk yet It was a fowl ball, but de gang
says nit, dat I have ter swipe It out in de
weeds. And, say, I Jest cut hay like a
lawn mower out dere in de weeds before
I finely send de ball out were I cud get a
fair swipe at it.
"Den I tuk another crack at de ball,
-and I hope to die if I didn't send de ball
Into de drink. Bill sed I hed to go in after
it, and I was wading rite in wen de old
girl wot I hit in de back of de nek said:
'Dat little boy will drown himself. Come
back.' And all de gang give me de horse,
and den I tumbled dat Bill had been
stringin' me.
"I got 'nuther ball and, on de dead, dat
'un went into the drink, and so I got
tough and carried de nex' one round de
drink, and, honest, it went backward and
"Wedded.
Well, you are wedded, and around your life
Twine two great Joys; for some one calls yo
wife.
And child lips murmur "mother" and you
smile
After long years of sorrow and heart strife.
oiuiic ui uiu lilts ejea mui uiceb juui uwur
Feel the stronr. sheltering arm around you"
thrown.
And say. "My husband!" and with love
words while
Away the hours, no longer dark and lone.
You feel the clinging of your child; you feel
His arms about your neck; his kisses steal
Away the sigh which trembles to your lips
Whon faithful memory doth some face reveal!
From out the fading pastt But tears
or plghs
Are not fer your sweet lips for such sweet
eyes I
What earthly Joy can now your Joy ecllpeo?
For, choosing well, your love could be but
wise!
And yet, I Pjacy that upon your brow
There is a fftnt-formed shadow resting now;
The bended head droops lower, till at last
Your weeping face in your pale hands you
bow
And give yourself to grief! Is it not
so?
A voice calls to you from the long ago
A hand Is stretched toward you from the
past
And Joy is lost in bitterness and woe!
You wonder why the tears your eyes should
fill;
Tou whisper to your breaking heart: "Be
still!"
But the heart moans with yearnings un-
sufllced
Vague yearnings which the world can never
fill!
For women love but once, and If denied
That first, sweet love, they live unsatisfied.
And cling to it as to the cross of Christ.
Whereon their bleeding hearts are crucified!
And this is life! Heaven's mercy on
us, sweet!
Be it that you and I no more shall meet
Until the grass is green above the breast
And God's white daisies grow at head and
feet!
Frank L. Stanton in Atlanta Constitution.
The Man Beneath the Bed.
What cosmic whim has fathered his
Or made his tribe exist.
Cannot be told by Solon old
Or learned ethnologist;
He seems a dream, yet myriads deem
Him to life's vigor bred.
And by the score are looking for
The mas beneath the bed.
Inquiring mind of womankind
Industrious search doth wage
Night after night to bring to light
This rumored personage.
And though with will they're hunting stlfi.
Their efforts have but led
To hope uncrowned; they've never found
The man beneath the bed.
This Is a time when acta sublime
Are due to sex of Eve,
And who shall say, in coming day
What deed they may achieve T
Will one ef her. to Christopher
Columbus' genius wed. j
With meed of seal, and yet reveal
The man beneath the bed?
boston Courier.
it went into de drink, too. Everybody
glv me do horse, and de gang said I
was a tryln' to fill up d drink. I got
some more balls and kep goln and I got
round in about seven hundred and fifty.
"But it was all on account of dem bump
ers. If dey take dem things down I
wouldn't do a thing to dat links. Say, I'd
do it in about sixty-'leven strokes. But
dem bumpers frost me. Say, where's dat
sportln' copy? Bill's hollerin' fer It up
stairs." And the devil disappeared down the
hall. Chicago Times-Herald.
THEY STAY "WITH HIM.
Chicago.- Han's Expensive Exper
ience "With Fruit-Jar Mania.
"Why is it," asked the tired man, who
had Just finished moving into another flat,
"Why is it that a woman will never throw
away a glass fruit jar7"
The entry clerk didn't know, and said
so. Besides, he was not a married man,
and therefore was not expected to know.
"Now, I've been married 12 years," said
the tired man, "and the first year we were
married my wife bought four dozen glass
fruit Jars, half of them two-quart size, the
others quarts.
"Well, the first time she filled all 48
HER
Jars with fruit. The next year fruit was
scarce, and wo concluded to get along
with canned peaches and such like. The
48 fruit Jars I packed away in the darkest
corner of the cellar.
"The following Spring wo moved from
the little town where we lived to Cen
tralia. We packed the fruit Jars, of
course, and there were three barrels of
them.
"Wo lived in Centralla a couple of years,
moving twice, repacking those 48 fruit
Jars both times. Then, my business com
pelled us" "to move to the state capital.
The fruit Jars went along. Wo moved
back to Centralla at the end of a few
months, and a year later returned to
Springfield. That made two moro trips
for the fruit Jars.
"Throe years ago we that is, my fam
ily and the fruit Jars, moved to Chicago.
Since comlnr here we have moved into a
different flat twice. Last Spring my wife
went back to Centralla on a Summer vis-
1 it, and we stored the fruit Jars and the
rest oi ine mriuiuro. mow we are moving
My Simple Simian Cent.
I walked along Broadway one night,
I'd not a penny left.
Indeed, mine was a pretty plight.
Of money all bereft.
An ape-like tramp accosted me; '
I don't know what he meant.
He handed me a copper coin
My simple. Simian cent.
My single, simple. Simian cent
'Tis all that I have leftl
My single, simple. Simian cent
Of other coin bereft!
It's worth a million to me, now.
For all the rest Is spent.
I'll never spend It!
Never lend it!
Simple, Simian centi
I've made a dozen fortunes since
Been rich and poor by turns;
But other coin a tiny hole
In every pocket burns.
It roes like wildfire to the wind; .
But when it all Is spent,
I still retain thro' thick and thin
My simple. Simian cent.
(Repeat chorus.)
Pve had consumption, rheumatlz.
Pneumonia and the gout.
Appendicitis, heart disease
And apoplexy stout;
But thouzh I die before my time.
On one thine I'm Intent;
Pray bury with me 'tls no crime
My simple. Simian cent.
(Repeat chorus.)
P. K. M. in New York Herald.
'
Mosque of Love.
I know you love me not, strange child of pas
sion! Yet I have heard low words and scented
sighs .
Break breathless at your lips havo watched
your eyes
Deepen and droop and melt in maddening
fashion
Before the hunger of my glad surmise!
Your soft, uncertain murmurlngs but hide
The mirthful mockery of an untouched heart.
When on my lips your clinging kisses smart,
Tis Pleasure's Self you love; and how, be
side That 'futile, phantom god, can man hold part?
Oh, haunting dream of living loveliness.
Oh, royal rebel to the rules, of love.
Love not at all. or love all else n bo vet
And yet ah, though you loved me even leas.
Still still must I my honest passion prove!
R. W. St. Sill in November fa:l. ...
Autumn Longing;.
X wonder it I'm homesick, that I so long to
see
Once more the gold and crimson of the maple
trees.
To see bright leaves outlined against the Au
tumn skies.
Or fluttering swept by Indian Summer breeze.
To hear the rustle of the withered leaves of
brown. ,
Brushed by my dress, as in the long ago.
To walk upon the fallen rainbows of the trees
Z wonder em I homesick T Hardly do I
know. t
I dwelt where flowers bloom through ail the
long, bright year.
Where petals of white blossom are Its snow.
And yet I long to see the maples all aflame
I wonder am I homesick? Hardly do I
" know.
Grace Hlbbard In the Sprinsneld Republican.
Into a different flat, and the fruit Jars are
still with us.
"We have had those fruit Jars 12 years,
and' not one of them has' been broken
I calculate they have been shipped 7000
miles, that I have paid $87 freight on
them at different times, and that their
storage at odd months has cost $39 27
more. The drayage on them will add at
least $16 to to the total.
"We never can any more fruit. We buy
fresh fruit the year around or go without.
And yet my wife will not part with those
fruit Jars. They never break. We could
not sell them for 50 cents the lot, for
every other woman in Chicago is main
taining a collection of tho same kind of
Jars in luxurious idleness. And yet they
tell me the factories are turning out mil
lions of 'em every year. Great Scott! I
wonder who buys 'em." Chicago Tribune.
PIIESENTS FOR HIS WIPE.
It Wn Her Birthday and He Wanted
Her to Enjoy It. ,
"Halloa, old man, what have you in all
those bundles?" asked a gay, airy young
bachelor of a careworn solemn-looking
young man as they' met in a suburban
railway train.
"Presents for my wife," was the senten
tious reply. "It's her birthday."
"Well, what are you bringing your wife
DAD SUGGESTS AN EASY WAY
Cholly I can't find words to express my lq.vo for your daughter,
Her Father Figures will do.
In that package from your tailor's?" gaily
pursued the bachelor.
"Trousers." was the answer.
"What?"
"Yes, I repeat trousers. Just you lis
ten. I had a birthday last November. My
wife got me three or four beautiful lace
handkerchiefs, such as women carry at
afternoon teas and such places, and a
black velvet hat with high feathers, one
of the three-story kind that obstruct your
view of the stage in the theater. They
looked mighty well on her, and she askea
me If I wasn't having a nice birthday.
"Well, I didn't mind that very much,
but when Christmas came I got another
deal of the same sort. I gave my wife
a pretty gold ring. She gave me a tur
quoise ring, too small to go over any of
my knuckles, and she weaVs it now next
to the one I gave her. But that wasn't
the worst of it. She got her sister to give
me some after-dinner coffee cups, and my
sister to make me a lot of lace dollies.
That was all I got for Christmas.
"Tomorrow is my wife's birthday. In
Lessons In War.
Wunst my pa he
Sal's I musssen't never hit
A boy that'3 lltler'n me
'Cause it
Ain't right, you see.
So, when I went to school one day
And got a playln' marbles with
A little boy named Charley Smith,
And wlnned all his away, ,
Ho up with all his might
And hit 'me right
Square on the eye . r
And made me cry
And then. . - v '
Almost before I thought,
I nearly hit him back agen.
If it wouldn't been for what
My pa he sed
I bet I'd smashed his head!
'
And then, one other day,
. When Willie James
Snuck up and took my knife away,
And called me names, '
And sod I'd never get It back, .
I up and I give him a crack
With my fist, right
On the mouth with all my might! ,
Cause he ain't llttler'n me.
You see.
But his pa never told him not
To hit littler boys n him, I s'poso,
And so flrst thing I knew I got
Struck on the nose!
At flrst I thought
I fell
Way down a deep, deep well.
Or tumbled from a roof somewhere- '
HIgher'n enny In this here town
And went a-tumblln' down,
Down through the air,
And it was twenty hundred million times more
worser'n when
That little Smith boy he
Hit me, and then.
At last. I got awake agen
And the bleed was running down all over me.
And I couldn't hardly breathe ner see, ,
Ner ennythlng! And then I wished I'd die
So they'd put HIM In Jail, and my
Pa he'd be sorry 'cause he told
Me that about not flghtn' boys as old
As me! And ma she cried
When I went home, and drew
Me close up to her side
And I cried, tool ' ?
And then one other day
When me
And Eddie Sptiggs were fire department he
Wouldn't play.
He's the horse'n I
Was drlvln', so
First thins you know
We got to flghtln'l My! ,' -
He wasn't strong at all. t
And he's llttler'n me. too!
And I hit
Him on the cheek'n made him bawl '
And when we're through
I wasn't hurt a bit! - " e
Boys' pas might know & lot , '"" ,
About most things, but I
Can't seem to see , i,v.
Jnst why
It was that my pa he
Told me not '
Hit littler boys'n mel
I guess he never fought
With bigger boys 'n him before
He got
G rowed up 'n I won't enny morel
'Cause when you bit a littler one
Ha runs 'a bellers. too - f k
And hUtur others ain't no fun '
When they hit harder n you!
6. E. Kiaer in Chicago Times-Herald.
this package I am bringing her a pair of
trousers, which I had made to my meas
ure, and which I shall wear. In this par
cel is a pair of the very best patent shoes,
size 8, a good deal too big for my wife;
in this package is a box 6f cigars, and in
my pockets I have a new meerschaum
pipe and a packet of tobacco. Now, I
don't eee how she can fall to have a
happy birthday, do you? I hope she'll
enjoy it, for I want to get even for all
the pretty things she has given me."
London Tld-Bits.
GOT THE "WRONG "FRIZZES."
Sleeplnff-Cnr Porter Makes Slightly
Embarrassing: Mistake.
As the porter passed througt the car
she called him aside. There was a whis
per and a gleam of silver.
'Wow, remember they are Iq the yel
low satchel."
"Cyan't miss dem, ma'am."
"You won't let any one see you?"
"No, ma'am!"
"The major Is sitting in that car."
"He won't see me, ma'am."
"Well, here Is the key."
The porter took the key and passed
through to the next car.
"Guess dis am if," he said, slipping
the thin key in the lock of a yellow
satchel. He. put his hard In tho satchel
OUT.
sir.
and pulled out a bunch of hair. Then
he relocked the satchel.
"Heah's yo' frizzez, ma'am!"
"Don't speak so loud."
"Anything else, ma'am?"
"That's all, I believe. I Just have a
minute to put these on before dinner."
The porter reached the platform m
time to meet an irato tragedian.
"Not a step!" he thundered, in tones
that almost lifted the porter's cap.
"What have you done with my Tvhlsk
ers?" "Laws," muttered the por'er, "Ah
went In de wrong satchel!"
Just then a lady passed toward the
dining-car.
"Dan's yo whiskers, sah," grinned the
porter, "on top ob dat lady's haid!"
Chicago News.
Case for Scissors.
In a certain village in Kent there lives
an old lady known as "Talkative Sal."
The parson showed too much linen at his
With the Battle Flairs.
I stood alone in the quiet dusk,
- Beneath an arch of the vaulted room.
And watched the brilliant colors fade
At the stealthy touch of the creeping gloom.
I saw the deep'nlng shadows rest
On stately busts of honored dead.
And where the lofty columns stood
Tall phantom pillars rose Instead.
And soon I heard soft whispered tones.
Then ghostly cheering, murm'rlng sighs;
And sometimes laughter, now low moans.
Then earnest questions, stern replies.
I heard the sound of the cannon's roar
Come wafted faint from I know not where,
Then beat of hoofs, the swish of flags
And crash of sabres filled the air.
Dim phantom forms swift passed me by
And misty horses reared and fell;
Red drops of blood and tattered flags.
Then martial notes I knew so well.
When lo! the place was rilled with light;
I stood alone In the vaulted room;
But ne'er a whisper, ne'er a moan
From those so near in the creeping gloom.
No sign whate'er to make me think
I had aught but dreamed of that battle
scene
Except some silken tattered flags
From niches gazing down serene.
Dorothy King In Boston Transcript;
"Wife and Comrade.
Do you call my face a rose,
With the time of roses near?
Find a truer name than this
For tho brow and lips you kiss.
For you know that roses die
In the Autumn of the year.
And beside you, love, must I
Front the frost and face the snows.
I was never rose nor star.
One's too near and one's too far.
I'm no pebble and no pearl.
But a living, loving girl.
Mouth to kiss you. hand to keep
Touch with you while you're asleep.
Eyes to kindle when you're glad.
Hope to climb where you would creep.
Tongue to comfort when you're sad.
Call me wife, and comrade, dear.
Call me neither star nor rose
Then the day I need not dread
When the snow falls on my head.
Then my soul to yours shall be
Changeless, though my beauty goes,
And the eyes I love not see
Youth and grace forsaking me
As the bees forsake a. rose
When the wind of Autumn blows,
Soul on soul looks In and knows
All that's best of Tou and Me.
Nora Hopper In Westminster Gazette.
The Kevr South.
She sits in robes of white arrayed.
With eyes serene and tender;
Above her bead the starry flag
Displays its streaming splendor.
The North a gallant lover came
And at her door alighted;
To him beneath the palm and pins
Her solemn troth she plighted.
The ring that seals forevermore.
Their hearts and hands was molded
From guns that lay on glory's field
In rust and roses folded.
Oh, don't you hear their wedding march?
In fair and stormy weather ,
TMxle" and 'Yankee Doodle" blent
In one sweet tune together.
Minna Irving in Leslie's Weekly.
wrist for her liking, so one day, meeting r
"Excuse me, parson, but would you
mind my cutting about an inch off your
wristbands, as I think it very unbecoming
to a clerical man."
"Certainly," said the parson, and she
took from her pocket a pair of scissors
and cut them to her satisfaction.
Having- finished, the parson said:
"Now, madame, there is something
about you that I should like to see about
an inch shorter."
"Then," said the good dame, handing
him the scissors, "cut it to your liking."
"Come, then, good woman," said the
parson, "put out your tongue." Spare
Moments.
HER THIRST HIS VTfDOlSO,
He'll Drink No More "Sticks' In His
Ginger Ale.
Every Saturday he and she cams to tho
same restaurant and sat at the same
table. He was her husband and her
Ideal. She allowed him to smoke now
and then, but she abhorred drinking.
Two glasses of ginger alo stood at their
sides, respectively. The weather was
torrid and she was thirsty.
The waiter stood by the table with a
face that betokened a child-like inno
cence. Ho had, with expectation of the
usual tip, which was handsome, smug
gled some whisky into the glass of the
husband before it was brought to the
table.
She swallowed her ginger ale and then
said:
"Hubby, Fm so thirsty. Let me have a
sip of yours."
Before he could prevent her, she had
sipped it, and a cloud that betokened
more than an average thunderstorm
came over her brow.
She gathered her skirts together, and
saying "We will go home," she swept
out of the room, giving the waiter a
withering glanze.
Her husband followed with a plaintive
"Goodby" to the waiter.
The latter smiled a sickly smile and
cursed his luck. New York Herald.
For Once She Knew.
A party of young men were taking din
ner a few nights ago at a fashionable
cafe, when one of them, who is somewhat
of a Jester, called the waiter and said:
"John, go and call Main . If a wom
an answers It will be my wife. Tell her
that I Instructed you to say that I am
in the police station for a few hours and
will not be at home for dinner. Say to
her that the possibilities are that I shall
not be at home tonight. Understand me,
sir?"
John winked a couple of times in a
knowing way, bowed deferentially, and
suggested:
"Supposln' "
"Supposing nothing sir. If she asks
who is talking tell her it is the turnkey
at the central station, and she'll never
know who told her the He,"
The waiter shambled away and was
presently seen to be having a good deal
of fun with himself. The Jester inferred
that it might have something to do with
his case and called him over.
"What's amusing you John?"
"Wouldn't like to tell you, sir at least,
right here."
"I guess these fellows understand let
'er go."
"Missus says to tell her husband sha
is glad he Is so nicely located for the
night she knows where he is for once."
Cleveland Leader.
My Old "T. D."
Up two flights, then three doors back,
In a bachelor's den hangs an old pipe rack.
Its owner says, "Ah yes, 'tis a useful thing.
While his voice has a sort of a lover's ring.
As he gazes fondly at each face.
That glows on him from the chimney place.
Faces of men half hid by scowls.
Heads enveloped in monkish cowls.
Others bearlnr from mouth to ear
Smiles ne'er changing from year to year.
He takes from the beds the briar gem.
And the meerschaum bowl with Its ambef
stem.
Noting Its color with silent glee.
Then puts them aside for the old T". D.
"Here is a friend I've had for yean;
It has known my Joys and shared my tears.
And often I've wondered if in the bowl
Isn't hidden away another soul.
That speaks to me as I bear life's yoke,
And comfort sends in the rings of smoke,
And soothes all sorrows, and bids depart
The feellnjts of doubt from out my heart;
And I And that darkness all gives way
To truth and light and the cheer of day.
Burdens grow lighter and trials cease,
And a somethlns whispers of hope and peace;
Till all seems bright in the world again.
And I gain moro love for my fellow men.
Ah! what happy hours I've spent with thee.
Thou truest of friends, my old T. D.'
You may take the meerschaum with amber
bit.
And the briar, too for not one whit
Will I miss them after a day or two;
But without the other I could not do.
For some bond holds us don't you sea?
I never could part with my old T. D.'
A bond of friendship that seems to grow
With the years that come and the years that
go
A something mingling our lives in one.
Old tasks performed, new works begun.
And sometimes musing I sit and think:
What binds us fast In this friendly link?
While then, in answer It seems to say,
'Old pal, we both have been formed from clay
Then I understand how It comes to me,
This love I bear for mr old T. D.' "
Dan W. Gallagtier In New York Sun.
-
OF Jac Fros.
Who sweetens np de simmln fruit?
or Jac' Fros'l
Who gibs de ash a new fall suit?
Ol' Jac Fros!
Who brings de walnut tumbljn' down.
Who makes de chestnut rich en brown.
Who yellahs up de punkln's gown?
Ol Jac' yros'l
Who paints de sumac flah red?
Ol' Jac Froa't
En splash his paint brush obehhead?
Ol' Jac Fros'!
Who buhns de dogwood wid his bran
Who quiets up do insec ban'.
Who colons up de tlmbah Ian'?
Ol' Jac Froi'!
Who makes de possum run , again? :
Ol Jac Fros'!
Who gibs de ooon a wintah skin?
Ol' Jac' Fros!
Who makes de soulrrtl bank en bona,
Who makes de rabbit prowl aroun'.
Who outs de fieetuess In de noun?
Ol Jac Fros!
Who bites de piccaninny's toes?
Ol Jac Fros'!
Who klvahs white all outodoahs?
Ol' Jac Fros't
Who' makes dat rheumatism creep.
Who makes yo curl up by de heap.
En calls fob krroa in yo sleep?
Ol' JaC Fros'l
Victor A. Hermann la Philadelphia Inquirer,
wtjii
'' End of a Sammer,
L
"She will not know mer He breathed a sis
My maid of the many graces.
When to my counter sho comes to buy
Her silks and her satins and her laces.
"She will forget .rummer days so dear.
Forget ail mr fond devotion
Forget all her vows when she sees mo hare
ner saiesmani but 'tis fate's portion.'
n.
"Ho will not know me!" Her heart was sal
"My lad of the fond devotion.
There at his club, amid laughter glad.
"He'll forget those days at the ocean.
"Ho will forget how we walked the sand.
To me no moro ho is drinking.
He'll pass me by in his carriage grand
With its silver harness clinking."
m.
He seized his hat, for his heart was sore.
And fled from his post of duty
Sat down to lunch, still living o'er
Glad days with his Summer beauty.
He ne'er could forget thoso times of fun
But his reverie came tn imiuh. alp?
For the girl he'd loved was tho self-same c
woo orougni nis cornea beef hash, sir.
Colorado Springs Gazette
HUBBY OBEYED ORDER
Bat Tfovr He Sleeps and Takes Hi
Meals Away From Home, While
WIf o Tears Her Hair.
A plain and sensible husband and fl
ther, who was making a modest Hvcl
hood in tho retail dry goods buslned
had a wife who was ambitious to shii
in society. She was Quito well awaj
that her husband's means were not
sufficient magnitude to permit an extrl
ordinary dazzle In that glittering
of gayety, glamour and gentility, but sj
banked on her matrimonial alliance
at least one of her two beautiful daugl
tera with an aged millionaire who wj
ready at any moment to marry ari
pretty girl who would accept him.
Naturally enough, it was not be el
pected that any young and pretty ga
could love any old thing like he was, bi
then he was so rich that love might wq
be asked to take a back seat.
Now, the husband of this ambltlou
lady and the father of the two beautifl
daughters was foolish enough to thli
that lovo mixed with matrimony bet
than money did, and be was averse
the machinations of his wife to dispose
either of the daughters to the mllllonall
at a price. One day the lady, in no plea I
ant humor, spoke to her husband on til
subject of his opposition.
"I should think," she said, "that yc
would have some ambition for you
daughters. You have never been able
furnish them with the means their beat
ty, accomplishments and position demanl
and now, when I am dolmr my utmost
do a parent's duty by at least one
them, you must oppose my efforts ar
seek to thwart my purpose. I shoui
think you would show some sign of ad
preclatlon of the attention and hocc
paid us by the wealthy gentleman whoi
I do so highly respect."
"Forgive me, my dear," responded tt
husband contritely. "When the gentld
man comes this evening I will obey
and show some sign of appreciation."
Upon this the wife was greatly moll
flel, and the husband went down town
his store, returning in the evening a Httl
later than usual, but quite cheerful.
At 8:30 o'clock the wealthy gentlemal
called, and shortly after the lady
gone In to meet him the husband followel
her, bearing in his hands an artlsticall
painted card a yard square.
"It Is the sign I Dromlsed for tho ger
tleman," he eaid, handing it to his wlt4
and she read upon it In large letters
"Please Call on Us Before Purchaslnl
Elsewhere."
Thereupon the lady fell into a state
xnadnessL from which she has ecarcel
yet recovered, and the husband is taklrl
his meals down town and sleeping in
store. Washington Star.
Chinese Like Americans Best.
Tip to the beginning of the preser
troubles, it has been a somewhat remark
able fact, according to the Fhtladelphll
Inquirer, that no American citizen, tra
eler. business man, diplomat or misslor
ary, has ever been murdered in China b
the Chinese. This can be said of the cita
zens of none of the other great powe
which have had constant and long-cor
tlnued Intercourse with the Bast. Thl3
it is said, is not a mere coincidence,
accident. The Chinese like Americans.
course, the statement is made with thl
reservation that they do not like anj
foreigners as a resident of China, bul
as compared with the people of the great
European powers, they like the Amen
cans. Whenever they ask a man of whal
nationality he la, and his answer is thai
he is an American, they at once exclair
"We are friends."
Scrubby Set.
"Br'er Johnson," said the elder of ond
of the colored churches to the recently
appointed pastor, "what does yo' t'lnk of
de congregashun,?"
"Well, Br"er Jones, aence yc ask mol
I mus say dey is er scrubby lookln' set.J
"Why, what does yo mean, Brer John!
son? Dey has mo' campmeetin's and gel
'llglon of tener dan, mos' eny congregastu
in do town.
"Dat's Jes It, Br'er Jones, dat's jes it
Dey has done wore out de seats of dey
pants backslldln' and de knees er prayini
fer zbgibn,esa. Life.
The Modem Inquisition.
Xittle Willie Say, pa, what does clea'V
mean?
Pa It means to unite or stick togetherJ
Little- Willie Then ic a butcher cleave
a bone does he stick it tlgether, pa?
Pa Why er I guess it does mean
separate, my son.
"Little Willie And when a man separate
from his wife, does he cleava to her, pa?
Pa Young man. it's tima you were
bed Chicago News.