THE SUNDAYr. OREGON! AN, PORTLAND' SEPTEMBER' 30, 1900.
23
LJkMw) . . - 1 -h& "
f - wi v:.jvr wr v i
r- "i if " '
Shoot the Hat!
Hear the bell.
.Mocking boll,
As It sounds tho wild alarm, Bounds the
straw oafs funeral knell!
How by" noises sudh as that,
It would seem to murmur "Scat!" t
"Doff the lid!" 'Bause mit lm, Heine!"
"Bum the straw!" or "Shoot the hat!"
How It seems to cast a spell
Over man. and maid as well.
For there's nothing quite so flat
As & seedy, obsolascent soiled and super
seded hat.
How the wearers rush pell-well,
"When they hear the wamlnu bell,
liike a bunch of frightened cattle when a
storm begins to swell!
How the- chilly breezes whistle
Through the whlskors of the thistle.
As a Joker at the wearer of the bonnet
hurls a missile!
How the winds keep lashing that
Out-of-date and Jonahed hat.
Till the owner sadly wonders where tho
dickens he Is at!
How the bell.
Sounds Its tantalizing Jingle,
Never pausing for a slnglo
Minute as Its wamlnc toll
Sends a shiver throuch the soul!
Then, as hatless to and fro
Thrones In great confusion go.
Hear the bell,
Mocking: bell,
Laughing: "Ah, I tolled you sol"
St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
. i OBJECTED TO HIS SCOWL
In Expressing? His Displeasure, the
Loquacious Patron Entertains
a. Wrathful Vis-a-Vls.
"Not necessarily for publication, but as
an evidence of good faith," was the ques
tion asked by the limber, elongated guest
who was waiting1 for his mutton chop at
, the South Side restaurant, "would you
have any objection to telling me whether
or not you subscribe to the poet's phi
losophy that 'whatever is is right'?"
"Eh what?" ejaculated the bored--looklng:.
four-story-collared younsr man
with the plastered bair who sat at the
opposite side of the table.
' "Because, you know," pursued the oth
er, moistening his lips with the ice wa
ter which the professional American pur
veyor of victuals always provides so llb
i crally f orchis .guests, whether there is
anything else or not, ""because you know.
If you will pardon the liberty, you don't
impart that sort of general impression."
. "What the Dave Hill are you talking
about?" the young man said, scowling at
him over "his collar. B
' 'Dave Hill' is a distinct Improvement
over 'Sam Hill, " musingly replied the
party of the first part. 'There Is a deep,
dark, Plutonian suggestion about it Par
don the liberty again, but wouldn't you
rather be a pessimist on 90 days time
unsecured, than an optimist for cash?"
"Say, who are you talking to?"
"I think I would say "whom in this
case. It doesn't cost anything extra, and
is more respectful to the memory of
Lindley Murray, long since dead rest
Jiis soul!'
"Say, do you know what happens it
people who mind their own business?"
"Yes. They don't get their heads
punched. You can't give me any point
ers on that, young man."
Pertinent Q,nery.
"Who was talking to you, anyhow?
"What does it concern you how I look?"
"Now, we're coming to it, my friend.
It has got me into trouble dozens of
times, but I take the position, that a man
who deliberately sits down and tries to
look all creation out of countenance is
issuing a direct challenge of the whole
human Tace, and it is my bounden duty
to take it up. If it isn't m yduty, it's
my high privilege. Maybe you didn't
mean it, but you were looking directly
through me, glowering and glooming at
something in the infinite depths of space
beyond. I object to being either frowned
out of existence, or tunnelled through to
make a short cut for a scowl at all that
portion of the universe lying on the other
side of me. I object"
"Are you often taken this way?"
"I was going to say"
"Or were you born so?"
"No man has a right"
"Why don't you take something for It?"
"No half-baked squab with the dys
pepsia has any right to X-ray me with
out having previously obtained my con
sent. I"
"Look here, old man"
"Have a care, you young squirt. I am
not yet 60."
"Well, you look it, good and hard. You
need Inflating. That's what you need. I
came to this table. I sit down"
"Don't you mean you sat down?"
"I never saw you before in my life. I
didn't notice that there was anybody sit
ting here, I wasn't saying a word to
you. I-was minding my own business.
The first thing I know you make a crack
at me for not looking pleasant. You've
got a whole lot of nerve. The face you
wear would turn a tornado out of Its
track. Talk to me about scowling! If
I was a manufacturer of false faces, I
know where I'd go for a model, you with
ered, lean. long, weazened old clothes
pole of a man,"
Merely the Scowl.
"You pitiful parody on humanity, you
animated wishbone, you degenerate
descendant of the ape primeval, can't you
understand it wasn't your personal ap
pearance I was commenting on! It was
your all-embracing scowl, your sickly
imitation of a blase sport, your offensive
assumption of superiority to the average
run of mankind that stirred up my gall.
Gome things are offensive merely because
they exist The instinct is to brush them
aside. When I meet an Immature man
who looks as if he thought the air wasn't
good enough for him to breathe unless
previously filtered, who takes offense at
the upstart impudence of nature and art
for presuming to flaunt themselves be
fore his disgusted eyes"
At this moment the waiter came with
a plate of juicy, well-cooked mutton
chops, and the expreslson, of he speaker
changed at once."
"My young friend." he said, with a
genial smile, "I was merely occupying my
time pleasantly and yours profitably, I
Jtust, while waiting for this. Revenons a
rfVV -"-
&-
nos moutons, as we say in French, which
means"
But the scowling young man at once
moved with an angry snort and went to
another table a proceeding of which the
tall, slim man with the mutton chops ap
peared to be smilingly unconscious. Chi
cago Tribune.
EXDXjESS-CHAItf PRAYER,
"Pawn Announces the Exclusion of
Politics From Family.
"Well," paw sed, after he got The hosa
put away the Other night, "I sea yung
Corneelyus "Vanderbllt wants to Go to
congress'"
"You don't say," maw told him.
"Yes," paw says, "the poor boy was Cut
91ANNA
off by a crewil parent with only six or
leven million dollers,; so he seems to have
lost ail the Fambly pride. While the
other "Vanderbllt boys are. bringing ne
glory to the proud old name by racing rJf
ottomoblies and running over Dawgs and
things he goes around to convenshuns
and invents locomotive Boilers, and
every little while the stork perches on the
chlmbley, so it wouldn't do enny Good
for him to try to go in Society, even if
he had the munny And wanted to be -an
onner to the. Fambly.
"That shows how it comes home to a
"Vanderbllt who marries a girl with' less
than forty millions, just becoz he loves
her, when his proud Fawther has a nobler
mission in life Picked out for him. If he
wouldn't of done a Rash thing like that
think What he mite be now. Insted ot
Learning how to run raleroads and get
into polluticks, he could be Going to
moonlite straw rides at Newport and
Bathing with tho aristockrussle walrlng
their Ball room clothes.
"Ennybuddy can work on a raleroad or
Run for congress from New York by get
ting Piatt or Croker to consent, -but they
haft to be borned to It If they want to set
in a .Newport fox chase or win a cup
.that Mrs. Belmont picked out with her
own hands. So it's a sad thing to see
a yung man with a proud career Before
him throw his chances away like that"
After maw thot about it awhile she sed:
Onffht to Be Encouraged.
"I can't help liking him .becoz he had
the spunk to marry her enny way, and
even a Vanderbllt ot to be encurrldged for
wanting to Sit where Daniel Webster and
Henry Clay and Lincoln sat once."
"Yes," paw says, "and you forgot Jerry
Simpson and Billy Mason. They use to
sit there too. Think what a proud day it
would be for Corneelyus to sit there with
his gold-trimmed jack nlfe whittleun his
lnlshels in the desk, rite under Tom Reed's
while sumbuddy was making a speech on
the river and Harbor bill. After all, I haft
to think sometimes that munny ain't-the
Papa's Turn to Consider.
0 mamma pronounced me a villain .
Appearances did make me so
And a woman won't listen to reason
When she thinks that she has you, you
know!
1 tried to explain and she scorned me,
She wept and she stormed, and at last
She packed up her trunks and she told mo
'Twas over 'twas ended 'twas past
She told some sad talcs to our daughter
Our beautiful daughter Salome!
She wept on the breast of her mother
A serpent crept Into our homo!
I tried to explain, but they shunned me
The words that a. gossip had said
Outweighed all the words I could uttert
I said 1 was gulltlees they fled!
So mamma went over the ocean,
Last Spring, with our daughter Salome;
They loitered a fortnight In London
And went to Berlin and to Rome;
They took a run up to Vienna,
They stayed In the Alps for a. while.
And then, they found quarters In Parl,
And settled down there. In great stylo.
I've slaved and I've saved through the, Sum
mer, I've lived on the plainest of .fare;
I still owe the barber a quarter
He charged rae for cutting my hair!
And mamma's been writing for money
For her and our daughter Salome,
And I have been sending It freely
And spending lone hours at home. .
They've met some fine people, they write me
Dukes, Marquises, Barons and Earls
Of course, we could not have our daughter
Stand back for the rest of the girls!
I've snt over money by cable,
I've siueezed and I've saved and Tvo
scraped
But somehow, the fellows that mamma
"Was after are gone they've escaped!
0 mamma Is over In Paris,
She's there with our daughter Salome;
She wants me to cable more money
They're ready, she ys, to come home;
1 hod crackers and milk for my luncheon,
Milk and crackers must do for my tea.
And If I feel well In the morning
I'll think the thing over I'll see.
S. E. Klser In Chicago Times-Herald. -
II popped a Copper Ceat. ,
He sat in a sheltered corner
Of a rich, luxurious pew.
A man with health and a load of wealth
Just one of the favored few
And heard the words of the preacher
And drank In the music grand
That rolled from the soul of the organ.
Like a volco from the Promised Land.
It seemed that the music lifted
A load from his weary heart.
And he heard the song of the angel throng
And wished that he might take part;
And the words of the aced pastor
Found a lodgment in his breast
And he longed for the crown-of the righteous
And his sweet eternal rest
"Praise God" he sang with fervor.
"From whom all blessings flow" '
And he also son: in a volco that rang,
"All creatures here below;"
But When tho collection basket
Reached him with Its good Intent
He thought he was mighty liberal
When "ho dropped In a copper cent
Denver Tunas.
U7"Srf JijUo ALUSON. C' k t V - Cfcar-SSfcw.
only thing "Worth living for : In Ttoti
world." .,
Then maw got up. -and started to go in
the house, and paw ast her what waB rong.
"I must go and make an endless chain
prayer," she told him. "Bverybuddy in
our lodge hast to pray against McKlnley
becoz he didn't stop the Canteen and pass
it on to four others."
"My goodness," Aunt Harriet sed, stop
ping in "To Have and to Hold" rite where
the Hero'was agoing to kill loven plruts
with one arm In a Sling and thai other tide
behind Him, "that makes me think. I'got
a letter from Indy Anna today to join .an
endless chain prayer to have MeKinley
win, and pass it along to four more, too;
so the other" side can't gain an "advan
tage." . ...
"Well, yon surely won't do it, will you?"
maw ast. '
"I don't know why not," Aunt. Harriet
told her. "And you never seen the day
when you could pray enny faster or loud
er than I vcan, either." ,
"Go on,"v paw says, when they got t to
QUARTER OF A YARD
skoldlng, "and sho a sisterly spirit It
makes me sad to hear you speak harsh to
each other over such a solium thing."
Then he put his feet up. against .the
porch post and commenct faffin.
"They wouldn't' be much fun" in this
wdrld if they were no wizomln in.it,"
he sed kind of out. loud to .himself. ,
The more h thot 'about it the more he
shook up and down, and 'the first thing
ennybuddy new one foot slipped and he
gave a Jerk and tried to get it where it
belonged again, sohls'chalr tipped over. ,'
Maw and Aunt Harriet camehurrylng
back downstairs to see" what the" racket
was about, and when they saw paw with
his hed fast in the corner and his feet
sticking up in the air abuv the chalr'he
says: , j
"That's the last time -I'me ever going'
to let'pollutlcks get-Brot. Into my fambly,
and if visitors don't like It they no what
they can do. I was going to get' on my,
wheel and go after avquartof Ice Cream
pritty soon, but you can just' do -without
it now, blame you.
So maw and Aunt Harrlet. forgot- about'
tho endless, chain. VGeorgle,". in theChl-,
cago Times-Herald.
When Sis Is Pnttln' on Style.'
I'm Just her small brother. They say I don't
count , - i
And tell me my manners are' bad.
And yet of enjoyment I get an 'amount .
Sufficient for every lad. x
A few of thoso laughs wejl, to have 'em again
Id travel for many a-mlle. -
I haye chuckled inside till It gave me a pain,
When sister was putting on style.
She tells that young roan that a Jug Is -a
"vawse," , ' . ." .
Says "eye-ther and neye:ther,youknow." '
She' never plays popular, music becauBQ
It really distresses her so. "" '
She warbles plain- ditties when she. Is alone,
And her voice Is as sharp as & file. ,
But she gives it a soft plaintive, clarionet
tone "'",
When sister Is putting. on style.,"
She says sho loves 'golf, but I've heard' her re
mark . "
She couldn't see where, it' came In!
The way she has kept that youngs roan In t the
dark.. "
It's comical, but it's a sin.
She talks about authors, but all- that she
reads ' ; -Is
a fashion book once In a while.
Tours truly can' have all the fun that he
needs . '
-When sister is putting on style.'
We've often played cricket, my sister and I,
She's a jolly good fellow at heart;
Bnt he ttilnks she's got wings and '1b going
. to fly, - :
Because she's so terribly smart
And then, when he tries to feel' big and5 talk
back
Like she does, a statue, would smile!
I have laughed' In my sleeves till the linings
would crack t
"When sister 'was putting on style.
Pearson's Weekly,
a
An Omaric Attempt.
XXII.
I see the green tobacco field and know
T will soon add solace' to tho way. I go, '
And 'many a pipe upon the rafters hang, -
And many & man Its fragrance Boonshall blow.-
' xxrx. .
Ahmet the dreams that hover, o'er the pipe.'
Fair dreams, and each a single, lovely type!
Oh! kindly bowl,-the smoker's magic wand,
Bveathe forth thy phantoms,' tor -tho 'hour is
ripe.
"Xtl.
A book of verses and the favorite weed,
'Tls all tho true, philosopher, shall' needl
And let the credit go,' I say, and hang
E'en though the lnt'rest mount the, mortgage,
deedl i
- t UI.
And yonder guldens dappled pear and peach.
All plump with honey and in' easy reach;
And yonder apple, melts beneath tfie press -And
turns the nectar that shall muddle speech.
I3CTV.
Iram Indeed Is gone' and' all hlB rose,
Yet'In yon cornfield golden pumpkin glows,
And holds forth .promise of Thanksgiving
pies, .
Or Jackie-lanterns such as childhood knows.!
. C. " ' '
And -yonder 'rubies hang upon the vino.
Giving to all a promise half divine;
.A promise of Jong Winter nights and pipes
Wnd choruses around a bowl of vwlno!
- iTTfl TTfclrt l,fQ'f 1 tlX Pyrttm fT .;
TrDCPCWlTM VrV Wn y Pl.1tt V AtfV' V. KWOLCOTT Ifes
CU - STONCN TCLLCP """J CBOrV JQCt AS JCSjsl
ESAU AND HIS SHE-SAl.
: v e '
Saw Anyone Ever Snob." FaJMWoeay
WsrbblinK as hlst '
"- ! ' ( v
An old farmer of Arkansas, whef a sons
had all .grown up and left 'HlnV hired
a young man by the name 0f Esau Buck
to helR him on the farm, tOji tine .evening J
of the first day they hauled upA smau
load of poles -for wood and unloaded them
between the garden and the b'arnyard.
The next morning tho old man1 said to
the hired man: , t ,
"Esau,I am going to town today, and
while I am gone, you may sajr,up that
wood and and keep the' old ram out of
the garden."
When the old man had .gone, Esau went
out ,to saw the wood, but when he saw
tho saw -he wouldn't saw, it. When Esau
saw tho saw he saw that he couldn't saw
It with that saw. Esau looked around
OF 'REPUBLICANS.
for another "-saw, but that was the onl.
saw he saw, so he didn't saw it
When the old man came home, he says
to Esaur
"Esau did you saw tho wood?"
EBau said: "I saw the wood, but I
wouldn't saw it; for when I saw the saw,
I saw that I couldn't saw with that saw,
so'I 'didn't saw it"
The old man went out to see the saw,
T - tf
QUARTER OF A YARD OF DEMOCRATS.
'6
apd when he saw the saw, he saw that
Esau couldn't saw with that saw. When
Esau saw- that tho old man saw that ho
couldn't saw with the saw. Esau picked
up the ax and chopped the wood and
made a see-saw.
Tbe-next day 'the .old man went to
town 'and bought a pew buck saw for
Esau, Buck, and when he came home he
'hungKth'e buck saw for Esau Buck cm the
saw buck by the see-saw. Just at this
time Esau Buck saw the old buck In the
.garden. eating cabbage, and when driv
ing hlrn from the garden to the barn
"yard,, Esau Buck saw; the buck saw on
the saw-buck by the see-saw, and Esau
stopped 4o examine the new buck saw.
.Nowwhen the old. buck saw Esau Buck
looking "at the new buck saw on the
Reaping Time In Georgia.
It's reapjn' time In Georgia, the country's
t lookln' bright
From Blllvllle up to Bennett's from Tift to
Tybee Light!
And - h'o! . for Joy bells rlngln, an ho! for
happy times.
The Jlnele of the dollars tho dancjn" of the
dimes!
It's rejolcln' In Georgia; tho skies are Just
ios blue
As the eyes with whloh your sweet' heart
, -twinkles all her love to you!
An, now In all the woodlands tho squirrel
. r skips an' climbs;
There's' a Jlnzle of the dollars, a "dachV of
the dimes. ,
It's rcapln' time In Georgia, an' when the
' fields are bare
You'll hear the merry music of the flddlt
.. in the air!
Summer's.' got her pleasure, but cantt come
-. - up to' Fall; j
Strike a. lively measure an swing your part-
nersallt
Atlanta Constitution.
'Dame Nature's Children.' i
Damo Nature calls her children home
When Time has ended their recess.
They come to'her across the fodm
From .sarden. close and wilderness,
The spotless children of tho snow,'
When April smiles alonr the yeap;
The -merry leaves and butterflies
When gray November shuffles near. .
Dame Nature calls her children homer
They-donot die, or melt, or freese
They do"not cry to up and roam, '
But nestle close to her kind kno'es.
She holds them In a soft embrnco
Behind the arras of the sun.. r
The lco-folk read In her clear face
r;Of -north lights, till July Is done.
Andvthen they seo tho meadows change.
They mark tho willow. Angora turn
From 'their high windows they look down
When',roaple hillsides crimson burn.
Andthen sho lets them go again
Her Winter children white and free.
And all'tne green souls ot the leaves
Come -hame to slumber on. her Jtnee
Theodore Roberts, In tho Independent
' ' . ' .
. Harvest.
Harvest comes to the watting earth
WeIcomet as rain In a time of dearth;
Under ttie cloud of her red-rold hair
Her eyes'ore dark with a mother's care.
.Bull she Is young and still sho Is fair.
But' she Is a mother of many dreams
All too' sweet for the world to bear.
Hermquth Is red as a peony,
With passions swifter than tropical streams
Her forehead's whiter than Ivory,
.'As It "a. woman unwaked wero sho.-
Harveat never was heard or soon
Excep't of those that havo lovers been
IioyerSgOf .women or lovers of earth,
IiOvers'of dreams that died at birth.
' Shells 'hiard of these, sha Is seen of these,
A sweeter face, a more shining face.
Than" a 'Jewel kept In a shadowy place.
Harvest' of these at least Is known
'As a 'queen that cometh to take her own,
1 Whose chands are full or plenty and dearth,
"TOJuao)feot keep time to the harvest mirth.
'Wagmlnnf.i.. fft wpf y
saw buck by " the aee-saw, he mada a
dive for Esau, missed Esau, hit the see
saw, knocked the 'seesaw against Esau
.Buck, who fell on the buck saw on
'the Baw buck by the see-saw..
Now, when the old man saw the old buck
dive at Esau Buck and miss Esau and hit
the see-saw and knock the see-saw
against Esau and Esau Buck fall on the
buck saw on the saw buck by the see
saw, he picked up an ax to kill the old
buck, but the buck saw him coming, and
dodged the blow, and countered on the old
man's stomach, knocked the old man over
the Bee-saw onto Esau Buck, who was
getting up with the buck saw off the saw
buck by the see-saw, and knocked Esau
Buck and the buck saw onto the saw
buck by the see-saw, crippled Esau
Buck, brokeCthe buck saw and the saw
buck and the see-saw.
Now when the. old buck saw the com
pleteness of his "victory over the old man
and Esau Buck and the buck saw and the
saw buck and the, see-saw, -he ' quietly
turned around, went back into the garden
again and ate up what was left of the old
man's cabbage. St Louis Globe-Democrat.
"PIDNK." AT THE BAT.
McGugeenhclmer's Fierce Hits "Win
for the Hustling: Lilacs.
"When I was olavlns: ritrht field for the
Hustling Lilacs." said tho man with the
sandy whiskers, to the man with the sun
burned neck, "I was considered an excep
tionally strong hitter. But all records
made by me, orby any one else that ever
,, pretended to do things with the stick of
hickory, were cast In the shade by the
performance of a tall young man of the
name of Plunk, McGuggenheimer, who
played one day with the Lilacs. I had
seriously hurt my thumb" while running
bases, and. Plunk was engaged to take
my place,
"The day he covered right for us we
went against the Whistling Thistles. We
were very anxious to win, as we had
won-43 games and had lost none, and we
wanted to have 60 gomes to our credit
with a clean record.
"The game began .and the Whistling
"A Special From Blngro."
A special from Bingo How shall I proceed?
Why a special from Bingo's a sort of a screed
Which you feel you MUST uso tho' you don't
see the need,
Because you have paid for the lingo.
A special from Bingo, as I 'shall make plain.
Is an Item of "news" that would giv you a
pain;
'Tls worse than tho "troubles we borrowed
from Spain";
It is on my soul." by Jingo!
Now this Bingo resides In a village remote.
And of each pretty doing no's quick to make
note,
And . doubtless takes pride In the "piece that
he wrote";
Does this wonderful man who signs "Bin
go." "Last night at nine,-"' so his telegrams say,
"This village was thrown Into grief and dis
may. By a conflarratlon which burned a whole
load of hay."
(Now wouldn't that cork you?) signed "Bin
go." Or "We regret to record" (costs us one
cent a word)
"The demise of our estimable townsman, John
Hurd,
"The eminent blacksmith." Now Isn't ho a
bird. '
This "special corespondent" named Bingo?
Births, marriages, dog fights, ho sends with
out fall
By special despatch, but I will go ball.
If a tragedy happenod, he'd send It by mall.
Ho bos wonderful Judgment, has Blngo!
The telegraph editor alts In Jhls chair
And with cuss-words of sulphurous tinge fills
tho air.
For a quadruple murder has happenod down
there,
And1 he's cot Just two lines from old Blngo.
Boston Post
The Old Office Inkstand.
Upon tho offloo table there
It's stood -for many a year;
An inky tide has ebbed and flowed
O'er all its dark career.
The careless drips from hasty pens
Have mixed with dust and dried.
And formed a dingy, crusty coat
On -top and every side. ,
Tho old brass rack on which it stands.
And where my pen has perched.
Is twisted now and 'out of shape
Its pristine .brightness smirched.
Tho thirsty pens of quill or steel
That from it drew their drink
Have dropped into the dusky past
And lost their taste for ink.
From it have passed in blackest drops
Sweot thoughts of purest white,
And -then 'again in paler -tint
Flowed others dark as night.
It takes me back to when I first
Began to learn the ropes
When. sometimes I, tho office boy.
Directed envelopes.
But with the spirit of the times
Tvo kent a lively pace
In consequence of which I own
The Inkstand and tho placo.
Jaawihlnft Geo. In Now York dinner.
Thistles went to bat first. They had
three men on bases, when the batter
knocked a line ball toward third. Those
on bases thought that It was good for a
hit and started to run, but our third
baseman Jumped Into the air and caught
tho balL He touched third base, thereby
retiring the runner, who had started for
the plate. Then he ran toward second
and mot the runner and touched him
out He had made a triple play unas
sisted. '"The umpire had called two strikes on
the first man up for our aide, when the
opposing twirler made a tremendously
wils) pitch, the boll going about four feet
over the catcher's head. Our batter had
tho presence of mind to strike at it and
he easily made first before tho catcher
could recover the ball. The second man
let the ball hit him, and. the third singled,
thereby filling tho bases. Then McGug
genhelmer came up to bat and we noticed
that his club was reinforced with steel
bands.
"The first ball pitched. Plunk hit out and
to the consternation of the Thistles, it
could not be found. While they were chas
ing wildly around looking for it all of our
runners scored. Just as Plunk was cross
ing the plate, the first baseman discovered
tho balL McGuggenheimer had driven
it out with such force that it had pene
trated the canvas of the first base,. and
had lodged Inside the bag. It was so
firmly embedded in the sandbag that it
took five minutes to extract It
"The second time Plunk came to bat he
drove the ball eight Inches Into the
ground. Just in front of tho plate. The
pitcher and catcher dug frantically, but
before they could exhume the ball Plunk
had scored. Every ball he hit he banged
to pieces, and seven new ones were used
in the course of the game.
"The Whistling Thistles were so nerv
ous after that that every time McGuggen
heimer batted they threw themselves on
the ground to escape injury. And they
were so generally upset that we easily
defeated them by the score of 49 to T.
At the end of the game McGuggen-
helmer had driven the ball into the ground
three times, and had knocked four boards
off the center field fence. New York Sun.
CHARLES WON THE "WAGER.
But It Necessitated Grandma- Being?
Tnken Upstairs.
She is a rich and dressy grandmother,
who came over from Chicago to attend
a social function given by her daughter,
residing In Detroit There was quite a
house party, and she declined to appear
at dinner on the night of her arrival.
"Are you ill, .mamma?" inquired the
daushter.
'"No. never better In my life." Then
sho said something in strict confidence.
That Old Wooden Rocltln' Chair.
Queer ol'-foshloned thing, an' ain't
Handsome as It was; the paint
Rubbed an" scarred from years of use.
Coupled with the rough abuse
From us kids that used to play
In an' round It every day;
Shows a lot of wear and tear.
That old wooden rockln chair.
'Twos a household treasuro lonr
Time before my Infant song-
Broke the nightly stillness deep.
Robbtn' neighbors of their sleep.
Oft I've closed my baby eyes
'Neath the spell of lullabys
Mother crooned while settln there
In that wooden rockln' chair.
Then there came a call from heaven,
And our hearts with pain were riven
When her spirit took Its flight
And she lay so still and white.
House seemed stranre for many a day
After she hod gone away,
Leavln' but her memory there
In that wooden rockln' chair.
When I'd grown to manhood that
Dear old household treasure sat
In Its old accustomed place.
But a younger, fresher faco
Reached to meet the kiss of love
From the lips that bent above;
I enthroned another there
In that wooden rockln chatr.
Yet more highly do I prize
That old treasure now. My eyes
Often light with Joy when they
Rest upon it every day.
Rest with daddy pride on that
Never-yet-been-equoled, fat. N
Chubby fellow klckln' there
In that wooden rockln' choir.
Denver Post
They Are Not "Ys."
In these days of the new fashion, when tho
"T" Is used so much.
And wo hear of all the Jennyes and the
Alyses and such.
Let us slnr aloud the praises of the damsel
fair whoe name
Is Mollle or Maria, and who sticks unto the
same.
It really Is a habit that we can't too much
condemn.
This changing of the Christian names their
parents gave to them;
If It served a useful purpose, then I wouldn't
kick a bit
But If there Is rhyme or reason In the same.
I can't see It
Exactly Y they do It Fm unable to sur
mise; Perhaps they think the constant "use of Y will
make them, Ys:
If that Is thetr endeavor. I'm very frank
to say,
It really makes them look as though they're
built the other way.
I know lots of Marias who are lovller by
far
Than many of the Annyes and the Ethelyn-
dos are;
And 'cause a girl's named Mollle, there's no
reason why she can
Not be as fair as Alys, to the ordinary man.
The names that they were christened with,
have stuck to them for years,
And .the chances they now make in them.
fnll harshly on our ears;
Best await O girls! I warn you all. In no
uncertain tone,
The altar's alterations and In your last name
alone.
Charles J. Colton, in Now Orleans Times-Democrat.
illt-. . ..Hi JT flrfwM
"Now don't try -to argua me out of it
I'm just as proud as I was 40 years ago.
Can't little Charles slip down to the tele
graph office with the message? I'll not
telephone it to trust to a messenger boy."
"Cortainly," and Charles was sent after
having entered a noisy protest When
dark came, the old lady ventured down
of the veranda, and soon asked Charles
if he had attended to that little errand.
"Course I did. Missed a game of ball,
too, up on the Commons."
"I hope you didn't read what grandma
wrote?" from the mother.
"Yep. I read it 'Twasn't sealed up.
I laughed till I fell off my wheeL"
"Charles!"
"That's what I did. Went flat on tho
pavement But I can remember every
word of it"
"Look." almost shrieked the grand
mother, and tho boy saw a half-dollar
sparkling In tho electric light from across
the way.
"I'll take you." he whooped, with hi3
inherited sporting' proclivities, mistaking
her meaning. "It said: 'Send teeth. Up
per bureau drawer, left-hand corner "
Two of them lev- grandma upstairs. De
troit Free Prcts.
HAD BEEN THERE BEFORE.
Old Man Showed That He Could Still
"Play Ball."
A well-dressed, rotund and kindly ap
pearing old gentleman. happened to pa;s
by a vacant lot on North Twenty-fourth
street while a lot of small boys were
engaged In playing a match game of base
ball. It was a game between the Parker
street Bohunkera and the Blondo-street
Gewhllllkers for the championship of tho
election precinct, and a warm game It
was-
The old gentleman watched the game
with great interest, and applauded every
good play.
"That's the stuff!" he shouted, as tho
Bohunkers' catcher nailed a base runner
at second.
"Lead off I Lead off!" he shrieked as tho
Bohunkers' base runner on third showed
a disposition to hug the base. "Ginger
up! Ginger upt Now you're off! Slide!
Slide! I"
"You're quite a fan," remarked a young
man who was also watching the game.
"You betl" said the old man. I used
to catch for the old Peoria Red Socks in
'72, and I guess I wasn't the poorest that
ever happened. Say, I've got a record as
a backstop. Ding me if I ain't going to
ask the boys to let me catch an inning."
The Geewhilllkers kindly consented to
let the old gentleman catch an Inning for
the Bohunkers and he grabbed a mitt
and stepped into position.
Of course, you who have wasted valu
able time in reading this little 3tory are
prepared to exclaim:
"The old duffer got the ball on the
kisser, the first flip out of the box."
Well, that's Just where your thinker
don't track. The old man froze fast to
every curve shot over the plate, slammed
the Taall down to second and caught a
base runner by 10 feet, and made a long
sprint and nailed a pop-up foul that
looked like it was going to drop outside
of the lot.
"I gues3 I ain't lost my old catching
eye yet," he exclaimed as he laid down
his mitt at the end ot the half Inning
and made a run for his car. Omaha
World-Herald.
Cleared His Client.
There wa3 an attorney onco who had a
client who was an undersized fellow with
a temper like a lightning's flash, and who
had killed a man much larger than him
self. The case cameto trial and his lawyer,
who was a great big fellow, after tho
prosecuting attorney had made out a
plain case, and had submitted a powerful
argument to the jury for convictldn,
arose and requested the foreman of the
Jury to "step down beside him." Tho
formean compiled and the lawyer said:
"Your honor, and gentlemen of tho
Jury, the man killed by my client and
we admit the killing was my size. You
see, my client Is about the size of the
foreman here. The dead man hauled off
and slapped my client like this "
And suiting tho action to the word tho
attorney slapped the foreman In tho
face, shouting as he did so:
"What would you do if a man did that
to you?"
"I'd kill him," shouted the foreman.
"Exactly," said the lawyer, "that's Just
what my client did that's my argument,
your honor and gentlemen.""
He sat down and had a verdict' of ac
quittal in 10 minutes after the Jury had
retired. Denver Times.
"Forgot the Effgrs.
"Eier-bler" Is a favorite German concoc
tion, and Ferdinand Boeke, of the Moer
leln Brewing Company, like his country
men, loves this beverage of the father
land. Last Sunday, sitting in his garden,
tho appetite suddenly overcame him for
cgg-bler. Quickly he removed a bottlo
of the foaming lager from the family ico
chest and as surreptitiously stole into
the kitchen and appropriated two fresh
laid eggs. The hen fruit Boeko placed
In hl3 pants pocket, carrying the bottle
In his hand. Just then visitors arrived.
Boeke quickly concealed the bottlo and
greeted hi3 friends. Cigars were passed
around, and during the next half-hour
many a good joke was told., and many a
time Boeke slapped his leg in enjoyment
of a story better than the last Suddenly
Boeke turned pale and put his hands into
hl3 trousers pockets.
"What 13 the matter?" inquired one of
the gentlemen present
"Meln Gott! Dem egg3! I mashed
dem."
And then Mr. Boeke told how he was
trying to make "eler-bler" when tho boya
surprised him. Clnclnantl Enquirer.
1etter Front Georgia.
Dear William: This Is to let you know
that your gran'mother is dead an' cotton
has rlz; also that your TJncla Dick is
no more, an cotton still risln'; an' also
to Inform you that the gal you wuz to
marry Is done married, an thar's no
tellln' whar cotton will fetch up at ef it
keep3 a-rlsln'! Atlanta Constitution.