26 THE BU-mAY. :0SE50NlAKf PtfRTjQEND, AUGUST 26, I90ff. (Copyrighted, 1S00, by Frank Carpenter.) MANILA, July 2, 1300. The Philippine Islands do a foreign business of more than $30,000,000 a year, and of this the United States Is not setting its share of the profits. One ot the blgi importing Anns of Manila today gave Its check at ihe Custom-house for $97,000 In gold. This was the duty on one shipment of goods. This "was petroleum, and came from Rus sia. The most of the kerosene used In the Philippines comes .from that country, not withstanding the United States has the greatest petroleum fields' in the world. We raise 'more cotton than any other land, but the cotton goods used hero come from England and Germany. We have the chief iron mines and the -best hardware, but Germany and England are supplying the Philippines. California is nearer Ma nila than either Spain or France, but the wfnes consumed are from the latter coun tries. In fact, about the only thing that Is now being imported here In great quantities from America Is beer. This was brought to Manila by the" shipload as soon as the Americans took possession of the country. I crossed the Pacific with the agent of one firm who made $250,000 by getting his cargo of beer in first. Other men have done al most as well, and today all the leading makes of American beer are sold here. The beer is largely consumed by Ameri cans. Within six months after our troops landed, the number of Manila's saloons was multiplied by 10. There are now a hundred here where there was one before, the chief support of all being the Ameri can soldiers. The beer sells at high prices, the ordinary bottle costing 25 cents In gold, or more than three times as much as at borne. Tou would think that the United States should furnish the most of the butter and other canned goods of the Philippines. It does not. The bulk of the canned stuff conies from Europe, but Australia is push ing her way in far ahead of the Ameri cans. We have Australian canned fruits on onr dining tables, and our army is now , eating ..Australian butter and Australian beef? The duties at present are so great as lo make such Importations prohibitive. A can of California pears which sells for 30.conts in San Francisco would have to pay an additional 30 cents as duty before It could enter Manila, Other Conntrles. As to other products, France, Switzer land and Austria ship largely to this mar ket. Machinery, paper and silks come from France, furniture of the bentwood variety from Austria and glass and glass ware, as well as iron, paper and cement, from Belgium. We take more of the ex ports of the Philippines than any other country, but we get less In return. Last year all the United States goods sold In Manila were worth in round numbers $130, K In gold, upon which we paid a duty of SJ6.O09. In addition to this there were some goods sent by way of Hong Kong -and transshipped there, which were prob ably credited to China, but altogether the Imports were very light, I am told at tho Custom-house that, be ginning with this year, there has been a rapid Increase in American importations. A groat deal of flour has begun to come In. Cotton is being imported In small lots, and also some galvanized iron and machin ery. Quite a number of American type writers are being shipped in, the business firms hero seeing our machines in the hands of the Government clerks and thoroby appreciating their value. I find it very hard to get accurate in-f formation from the Custom-house. For some reason or other the offlclalls think financial matters should be kept secret and that the American people have no right to know what business is being done until the news Is sent out from headquar ters, tho matter of a month or a year making no difference. Tho Custom-house is stlM managed on the Spanish system, the old Spanish duties being in force. The tariff Js collected chiefly on the weight ot the goods, and quality and price make little difference. Take tfe matter of Jewelry, for instance. 'If a sher daUar weighing -5E grains were has&ed over to a jeweler and turned into a bracelet and a cold dollar weichinr 13 grains of gold wre made into a ring and set -with 4 grains of diamonds, tho two j articles ooariog Into a Manila Custom htott6 would pay th same duty. One 1 4 'feat- 1llS might be actually wortii but $2 and the ' he started until its concession Is wlth other $36,Oi but tho weight would govern ' drawn. It has, I am told, violated the the tariff. A pound of canned tomatoes I FoHtog fr 3 cents in gold and a pound j f Twin fAtakfm Twirt in nts w,.irf . v. - . tv . t. 1 i. uic mwo 4ti. a.ira -0 .11 as iwi-u ?4jui:3 Of othor thhtgs. Furniture pays its way by the pound and so do silks, velvets and wrapping papers. It is tho same with t carpets and cottons, with, hemp, marble and drugs, and, in fact, with almost every importation. The Custom-house Is doing a big busi ness, but it seems to be run on the plan that Dickens characterized as "the science of how not to do It." It has an army of clerks, many of whom are soldiers, and others ciyil officers, but it lacks men who are skilled in customs work. It lias a host of Filipinos to help the other clerks, and. notwithstanding this. It takes from a day to a month to get a shipment of goods through it. "Red Tape Responsible. If you are in. a hurry the officials will advise you to get a Custom-house broker to attend to your matters, and after you have attempted once or twice to do the work yourself, you are glad to take the advice. The delay may be due to the Spanish system, although It seems to me that the red tape of "the Army has sorrie thlng to do with it . Take an experience which I had myself with the office, as an instance. It re- ( lated to a package of a dozen rolls of rVifrtcnaTVif r fllmo Trftrtli tf17 'TxrJllr! TPPrfl shinned to me from Hong Kong. The shipment and the bills were -all In regular, order, and the duty was only a matter r of 27 cents, but It took me a whole half . day to pay It. when I said I was In a J hurry for the goods, I was told that they ( could .not be possibly passed through the Custom-house in one day. I tried: to get them, nex'ertheless, and thereupon be gan my labors, which lasted from morn ing until noon. The box had to be hunt-' ed up and weighed. Then the rolls of 1 films were taken out and weighed one by , one, the wrapping paperbelng placed on ' top to see that It paid Its share of tho ' duty. I then, had to make out a dec-! from one clerk to another, through the various offices of the Custom-house. I venture that at least twenty-five clerks t each passed on that 27 cents'- worth of , duty, each carefully indorsing the three j papers and passing them on to the next. In many Instances a record was made in the books, and at last I was given a paper and told to go to the cashier and pay) the duty. After this I got my box. . I ' was much better treated than the ordin- j ary customer, being invariably pushed for ward In advance 'bf the Filipinos and Chinese, who were waiting by the score to have their wants attended to. , I can seo how this custom system might have been a profitable one to the Span- ' lsh officials, where, as a rule, every clerk collected his toll, but It Is radically wrong for Americans, and It should be ! Changed at once. The commercial trav elers who are here from the United States ' are complaining about It. They say it Interferes with their business, and they j can do nothing on account of It. Indeed the slowness of the customs service of , Manila has been so notorious that tho European Insurance companies extend their Insurance on goods to a month after their arrival, or until they have passed from the Custdm-house Into the hands . of the Importer. At the same time the customs receipts ' are showing a considerable " Increase, j They are now $800,000 a month, and they I will be more than 5S.O00.O00 this year. This will be at the port of Manila alone. It j does not include the six ports of Ho Ho. J Cebu. Zamboanga. Siassl and Jolo. It shows that the business of the Philippine Islands has already begun to Increase, and this increase will probably continue. Taxes on Business. In order that American trade may be Increased here, there should be a consid erable reduction in the taxes on all kinds of business. The Spanish laws still pre vail, as I, have said, and "every one who attempts to engage In any undertaking for profit must pay a part of his receipts to the government. Bankers, importers and shipowners are charged from 51000 to $375 a year, according to the amount of busi ness done, while money lenders or small pawnbrokers pay from $250 to $S0. Bank ing establishments also pay 5 per cent of their prollts. There Is a tax on all sal aries. Directors, administrators and at torneys are charged 5 per cent of their Incomes, and, every one who receives $100 a month and upward must turn In 1 pet cent of his salary to the government. All storekeepers pay heavy taxes. Those who deal In hardware, jewelry and optical goods are charged from $400 to, $143 per annum, provided they act also as Import ers. If they buy from middlemen the charges are reduced one-half. Shoemak- ers who import pay $2W per annum, drug stores $400, hardware stores $300 and small shops selling wine, beer and canned goods, $30. Chinese druggists are charged $400, and Chinese provision stores $100. There Is a taxere on the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker. The barber pays so much every threo months, and this is so with many other tradesmen. There is not u man or a woman doing business In Manila who Is not taxed, and RICH TOWN HOUSES OF LUZON. even the market peddler who brings In a basket of vegetables has to pay her toll before she can sell. A large number of the businesses in the past have been monopolies farmed out by the government. There Is a beer brewery hsre which claims that it alone has the right to make beer in the Philippines tnitil 1910. -wie company nas aireaay maae a fortune, and today no other brewery can terms of its contract with the government Jn that it agreed to sell beer In Manila at fcu rnt - iit- it -ii,. -,-., i .1.1 .. .. .t. .t .1 A.- .- 1 una jaauc uJ iu uits lime lutii me Allien- cans came in, when It Jumped to 40 cents per litre, which is its present charge. Tfco collection ot the taxes of different classes has in the past been farmed out ,, tlnri Tho mjm Trbn fnsneeted the weights and measures of the city paid j $7000 for the privilege, although, the- ac- t tual Income from sucn inspection, accora- ing to his report, amounted to J240J a year. He, of course, made the difference 1 between this amount and his profits bj blackmailing and squeezing. Taxes on. Markets. The collection of the taxes on -the" mar kets was done In the same way,., When the Government took charge tills was abolished, and the receipts from the mar- . , Jfs;, k.ets for the three days following were only & Per day. It was turned "over to one ol lne unuea mates collectors, uuu the receipts rose soon to $150 a day. Shortly after this an American paid the Government $180 a day to collect, the taxes, and It Is currently reported that he then made $C0 a day in addition. This wasa rise of morq than $200 per day in the ac tual receipts. Then the Provost Marshal took the collection of these, taxes -into his own hands. He saw that every per son paid his tax, and within two months the city was receiving $350 per day. It Is now getting from $575 to $625 a day, and the receipts are still rising. The charges for market places show just how every trade is taxed. Every tran sient peddler pays 1 cent per day for each square meter of ground she occupies. I say she, for tho marketing Is done al most altogether by women. If the place is occupied for a week it is considered permanent, and even if the woman has only a basket her tax may be raised as high as 10 cents per square meter. None are charged, however, more thanjSO cents per day, or $24 per month for the right to sell In the market, and this last 'charge Is for a space about as large as-the 'average American parlor, or about 16 feet wide by 22 feet long. The peddlers on boats In the canals pay 1 cent per day, per square meter of boat surface, or an amount rang ing from 3 cents to 75 cents, accbrdlng to whether they have dugout canoes or car go boats.. A concession was given for the collec tion of taxes on horses, wagons and draft animals: this sold for about $45,000 for a term of three years, and on this contract I am told, one man recently made more than $2000 a month. Large profits were made on other things of the same na ture,' and, indeed, almost every fat gov ernment job was a concession. Manila is rapidly putting on Its, Ameri can clothes. You see American signs on every street, and although most of the businesses so far started are small, tho day will come when there will be large 1 American stores here handling all kinds of American goods. At present we have an American drug store. It is a big one, and it does a large business "in novels, light literature and stationery as well as j'ln quinine and pills. There is one Ameri can jewelry store. There should be more, for an enormous amount of Jewelry Is -sold here. The people Invest most of their sav las ln- dlalnonds and gold and silver orna. ments. Demand for American Watches. There are large - foreign stores selling watches and precious stones, and also j East Indian merchants, who handle sil verware and all kinds of jewelry. I Tin- derstand the stores are having' many de mands for American watches. So "far the most that I have seen are of Swiss make. They are sold at low prices, -and are much bought' by the so'dlers. "Our American watch companies shouldstudy this mar ket and push their goods; v One younff American is making a fortune here in sailing fine confectioneries, soda water. Ice cream and American breads He opened with a small sljop, but he has now one of the biggest places on the Escolta and Is increasing his business every day. Another successful establishment is called the American Bazaar. It sells all .kinds of American goods, and I see that its advertisement in today s newspaper states that it bas 10 tons of gents' fur nishing goods just In from 'Frisco. Among the items mentioned are 0 kinds of com- nlete suits of underwear, and -a certain I garter at $1 Mexican, -syhlch "will wear five years, 10 cents a year. ' The chief business that the ex-soidter goes Into In ' Manila :,ls ' the opening 'of hotels and boarding-Houses. You find Yankee hotels and "restaurants every where, advertised under all kinds of IN THE MANILA MARKET. names. One is called "Mother's Home," another the "Oregon Hotel,'' and a third the' "Washington Restaurant." We have the "Hoffman House," the "Astor House," the "Commercial," the "Golden Eagle," the "United States,', the "Callfor nlan," and a dozen and.one otjier places where you can get cold fced.ber and cof fee " "like your mother make's." As to saloons, they are to be( found t every where and all the saloonmen are making money. Both hotels and saloons pay high licenses. . There are a number of our professional men who hav.ejhung out their signs in Manila. Therfen are half 4a dozen lawyers and an equal .number of dentists and doc tors. The dentists are .11 busy and they all tell me thtjy are doing well. I know one who made $700 "silver," . last week, and who claims that he has,made as high as $3000 and upward a month. All of the dentists have high charges. Their cus tom is among both the Filipinos and' Americans. Some of them occasionally make trips over the country, going from army post to army post" to attend to the teeth of the soldiers. American Importing' Houses. There are several Arheiican importing and exporting firms here, but none so far" are doing a very large business. The most of the Importers deal largely In liquors, advertising extensively the dif ferent brands of American whiskies. There are several photographers, who are doing well. They, charge 25 cents for views, even when they, are no larger than carte de visltes, and get big prices for portrait work. They .tell me. there are openings here for a good photographic supply house and for retail dealers In photographing materials." 4 There Is' an American barber shop, an American shoe shop, one or two American street peddlers, and, in fact," Americans of all trades, classes anil conditions. I would say, however, that there Is no chance here for the 8ma.ll -peddler and not much for the small dealer. The Chi nese have all the petty retail business, and thry can live so cheaply that the petty American cannot compete with them. . FRANK G. CARPENTER. HESITATED AND WAS LOST. An Amateur's Experience With "Old Man" Cottldoclf. Of all the Irascible old fellows, of all the terrors to actors at rehearsal, dear old peculiar Couldock, was the worst. Of all things he hated most It was an ama teur trying to break Into the theatrical business under "false 'pretenses." Sucn an ambitious youth once made applica tion for a small part and, as circum stances were, a young ,man was needed. This "particular one was a cheerful liar, and said he had been with Forrest and the elder Booth, etc., and he was en gaged, although he had never,' said a lino in all his life. He was turned over to tho long-suffering stage manager, who said: "You will rehearse tomorrow morning at 10:30. It'ls not likely" hat the 'gov'ner (meaning Couldock) will be, there but ho may be, and he is particular about 'lines'; so study liard, and If he should happen 'down, on your life you'd better know every 'If and but.'" Next morning they were rehearsing, and the ambitious youth had a "line" which was: - ' "I hesitate to give you my answer." He had just gotten to "I hesitate" t when he looked over his shoulder and saw Couldock glaring at him from "up stage." That settled it.. His mind be came a dead blank. He made a manful attempt, and said: -. 'T hesitate I hesitate.' He bit his nails, shuffled on his feet "I hesitate," he said again, and then,, taking a long breath, he said, "I hesitate."- This was too much for Couldock. He camo down to the youth, raised both hands over him, and in 'a tone of thun der and passion he roared -out: "Yes,-1 see you hesitate. .You are dis charged." Denver Times. The Gunner's Joke. From the Indies of the East to the Indies of tho West Wo have taught the smokeless lesson that the blffgest Is tho best." And, "as. we are the largest by about a mll- Hoa suns, -Tho lesson's "written Sown, so plainly that he may read who runs; , . , .. , Ban Francisco Call. BAIMESftllTH ELECTION JUDGE WILLIAMS OX THE SENSA TIONAL, FIGHT OF 3S60. Combination in the Leelslnture ' Which. Ended the Political Ca- ' rscrs of Lane and Smith.. . . My personal recollections of the election of Baker nd Nesmlth are very much bedlmmed by the lapse of 40 years, but at The Oregonlan's request I will write 4 out what I can now recall relative to that event. Prior to 1S56 the people .of Ore gon were divided Into two parties. Whig and Democratic. There were a few scat tering Republicans, or, as they were then called, Abolitionists, but they had no par- j ty organization. In 1856. a convention .of nepuuiiL.ujs was iieiu at AiDany to ur- r ganizo their party. That was before Oregon was admitted into the Union as a state. Slavery, here as elsewhere, had become an absorbing question. Whether Oregon should be a free or a slave state was discussed with no little feeling, and this discussion weakened the devotion of many Democrats to their party, which, to all Intents and purposes, had become a pro-slavery party. Buchanan's policy in trying to force slavery Into Kansas cqntrary to the will of a majority of the people there, was offensive to a consider able number of Democrats. In 1858 there was a split In the Democratic party. One faction nominated L. F. Grover ana the other James K. Kelly for Congress. Ostensibly this split was caused by cer tain resolutions with reference to the ob ligation of Democrats to support the nom. .inees of party caucuses and conventions, but there was a latent feeling about slavery in the controversy that gave to it sharpness and intensity. One thing after another occurred to widen the breach, .until the line was pretty clearly drawn between those Democrats who held that the Constitution by its own inherent force established slavery in the territories and those who held that the people of a territory had a right to decide for them selves whether or not they would have slavery. Substantially there was no dif ference between Douglas Democrats and Republicans as to the extension of slav ery, and all othei; questions were prac tically ignored. Those who favored ,the existence of slavery In the territories under the Constitution came to be known as Breckinridge Democrats, and those op posed to-thls doctrine as Douglas Demo crats. Jndgre Williams Opposes Smith. General Lane and Delazon Smith were Senators in Congress, elected In 1S5S: They wero thoroughgoing Breckinridge men. I had a good deal to do with the election of Baker and. Nesmith, and hope I shall be excused for what I say about myself. I had become so com pletely disgusted with the slavery propa ganda that I determined to the extent of my power and influence to prevent the election ot Lane and Smith or any other Breckinridge man. Accordingly, In Marcn, 1S60, I went Into Linn County, where Mr. Smith lived, and told him that I intended to canvass that county in the interests of the Douglas Democracy, and that my pur pose was,, if possible, to beat him and Lane -for the Senate, and Invited him to go with me and answer, if he could, my objections to his re-election. We traveled together through the rain and mud and addressed the people In different parts of tho country, ho taking 'the Breckinridge slda and I the Douglas side of the slavery question. Smith and I were personal friends and oUr personal relations wero id no way disturbed by this canvass. We" spoke against each other in the day time. and usually occupied the same'be.d at night. Delazon Smltti in many respects was a remarkable man. He had a deep, sonorous voice, a fine command of lan guage, and as a stump orator was second to none, even In Oregon, with the excep- tion of Colonel Baker. I knew Smith ... .., ... ...... .... .v..v. ine-iJrecKmnago. ana jueugiaa ifemocracy sermons and speeches there, but what- Twenty ballots were taken, ranging about ever his subject he always spoke : witn- as rollowa. Nesmlth K, Williams 14. Ba the same rhetorical force and excellence. ker ,, scatterlnff. Most of those He was an amiable and kind-hearted man, votl for Nesmith at thl3 tlrae were a,lS? : those voting for me. T, iZ , 1 ""i "" -""'-" -...- j , jjougtas Democrats; JKepuMicans for Ba district when. I was Judge, and his con- ker, No election cotfa be effected, and versations. replete with anecdotes and ( th& convention, adjourned sine die. Moat reminiscences of his early life were the fof Democrat3 at flm wero aver3a to 1 TT 1.1 1E mjerf au "l"Z " heard him talk. He was not much of a mwycr. mougn ne pracucea some utter he came to Oregon. His forte was be- fore a jury. He lacked stability ot char- acter. At the June election In Linn County. 1SG0,- J. Q. A. Worth and Bartlett Curl, Douglas Democrats, and James McCully and James P. Tate, Republicans, were elected to the Legislature. Colonel Baker camo to Oregon In the Winter of' 1S59 or early part of 1S60. He was living in Cali fornia, and was invited by Republicans in Oregon to come here and be a candidate for the Senate. David Logan, who had been the Republican" candidate for Con gress and defeated, aspired to the Senate, and was not pleased with the advent of Colonel Baker into Oregon, nor wa3 Amory Holbrook, a prominent Republican who wanted to be Senator. I knew Colo nel Baker before he came to the Pacific Coast. He canvassed the State of Iowa for General Taylor in 1843. I was then, Judge of the First Judicial District ot that state and adjourned my cdUr,t two or three times for a couple of hours to give the people) an opportunity to hear him. He had just returned from the Mexican War crowned with laurels, and it was his expectation and the expectation of the people generally In Illinois and Iowa that, if Taylor was elected Baker would be one of his Cabinet. He was then in the prime of life,, and buoyant with his prospects, and his speeches were splendid specimens of stump oratory. I heard him after he carrfe to Oregon. Ac cording, to my judgment he filled the full measure of an orator better than any man I ever knew, and 1 have heard a good many who were reputed to be great orators. He was a handsome man, had a clear, ringing, silvery Voice, a fervid Im agination enriched by a retentive mem ory, an easy flow of elegant language, and held his audience with a magnetic power. His speeches In Union Square, New York, at the commencement of our Civil War and at the funeral of Broder lck, are classics in our language. James W. Nesmith for many years was one of the leading men of the state. He crossed the plains in 1S43, and wasv well SCENE ON THE MAIN CANAL AT MANILA. and favorably known to all the pioneers. He held office under the Provisional Gov. ernment, distinguished himself In a war with the Indians, was Superintendent of Indian Affairs' and United States Marshal, and by his long residence here and his In timate acquaintance with the people and interests of the sate was well equipped to represent Oregon in the Senate. He was a Democrat, and though he did not take an active part In the campaign of loO, which I inaugurated in Linn County, it was understod that he was in sym pathy with the Douglas Democracy. I opposed the re-election of General Lane entirely on political grounds. Personally I had the most kindly feeling for him. He was a brave, big-hearted man, and de served well of his countiy- for his services In civil and mflitary life, but was an un- compromlslng pro-slavery man, largely ; due) no doubt, to his Southern birth and his association with Southern men in Washington. Senators Ran Away. On! September 22, 1SO0. a Joint convention, I of the two houses of the Legislature was hefd-for the election ot two Senators ta succeed Lana and Smith. There were 13 Republicans, and the rest of the Legisla ture g aD0Ut equally divided between I any coalition with the Republicans, but It I was found Impossible for the Breckinridge , and Douglas Democrats to unite upon . nl,rhni1v paA , ,J..,wlmr, ,,,, ,. Dalnnce Qfp0wer. An effort was made to prcVant any election, and to that end Messrs. Brown. Berry. Florence. Flts- 1 hugh. Monaoe and Mclteeny. Breckln- ridge men and Senators, vacated their I seats in the Senate, so as to break up a i quorum In that body, and concealed thera ! selves so that they could not be found. I though a warrant was issued for their ! arrest. Governor Whlttaker made on earnest and pacrlotlc appeal to them to return to their duties and deprecated any revolutionary proceedings to defeat an election, and after an absence of about 12 days they resumed their seats. 1 On October 1. 1S80. another joint conven tion was held, at which on the 34th ballot Baker and Nesmith were-elected. On the final ballot the vote stood for the long term, 27 for Nesmith and 22 for Deady: for the short term, 26 for Baker and 20 for Williams. All of the Douglas Demo crats and all tho Republicans, with two 1 or three exceptions voted for Nesmith and Baker. The vote for Deady and Williams was merely a pro forma vote, for befora 1 the vote was taken It was well understood that the Douglas Democrats and Repub licans had coalesced by an agreement to vote for Nesmith and Baker. Judgo Deady at that time was a Breckinridge Democrat, and the Breckinridge men I 'voted for him because ho represented their views, as there was no possible chance of electing Lane or Smith, and on I the final ballot tnc Deady men voted for , me. not because they wanted me elected. t but as a sort of protest against the agree ment to elect Nesmith and Baker. There was the usual caucusing, wire-pulling and .buttonholing about this elec tion, the particulars of which have passed , out of my mind. I am quite sure that I was the choice of a large majority of the l Dougld3 Democrats in the state for Sen ator at that time, for the reason, if for no other, that I had done a large part of ' the work to make the Legislature what It wa3 not that there were not plenty of ' other Democrats anxious for that result, J but in those days It was customary to I call those who took an open and bold stand against slavery aDoutionlsts, ana . few among Democrats were willing by 1 public utteran?es to incur the odium that , was then attached to that appellation, t was not in favor with the "Salem telique," ' as It was called, consisting ot five or six able and Influential men afiVlatsd wli ' the Douglas Democracy, and they worked diligently ag-itnst me, and for Nesmith. Otherwise I believe I would have been a colleague with Baker In the Senate. 1 1 state this not to complain of it. but as a fact connected with that electlqn. Nes mith fully justified his election by the able and earnest support he gave to Lin coln's administration, and his Vote for the 13th amendment to the Constitution abolishing slavery in the United States. GEORGE H. WILLIAMS. BROKEN-CHINA PATCHWORK. Fanny Qnlps of the Funny "Writers Over Row in the Orient. Rumors, like a fat man In a folded bed. were thick and fast. The rival press agents at Shanghai wer six points each, and the world waited with ' bated breath. He who dealt turned a jack. "Out!" he cried, and immediately mas sacked every foreigner in the Flowery Kingdom. "Your little old peace rumor." he remarked, sardonically, to his defeated opponent, "will have to wait another day." Indianapolis Press. "Nothing," remarked Uncle Allen. Sparks, "is cheaper in China than rice. except human life. The reason of this is that it takes so little of the one to support the other." Chicago Tribune. "The Chinese Boxers use their teapots and teacups to make secret signals at their meetlnef!." "That's not so bad, Arthur. Hereafter. when we have company and I want you to quit helping yourself to anything that's scarco. I'll wave the teapot at you. In dianapolis Journal. "The Chinese Imperial trops are sldlnit with the Boxers." said Mr. Hlland. "It seems to be the case,"' added Mr, Halket, "that even If the troops did no boxing themselves, they acted as sec onds." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. "Our correspondent Is a little mixed In J his atmosphere." said the news editor. "He says the allies in China have taken j "Mnkp it a native laundry." said thoi chief. Philadelphia North American. "What did Aunt Minerva say about thoi f!hnA?" "She said she couldn't understand toj save her how people brought up on rlcet pudding could be so fiendish." Indlanap-1 oils Journal. His Jnst Deserts. Tho man who complains of his victuals. And all his wife's cooking belictuols. Should be starved till he's thin As a. -wooden ten ttln. Like they used In tho old ffamo of skictaabvfl Catholic Stanaara ana - ,