THE SUKDAY CTREGONIAN, PORTLAKD. JUItf 8, 1900.
59
'teas'
"L
, , ii in in i s'k I y
J 3:
tils Neighbor.
They tell me to "love my neighbor" she's as
sweet as sweet kin be!
But -what I'm. -wanting to know Is this: Why
don't my neighbor love met
3 send her the sweetest flowers though they're
not so sweet as her!
Hut never In Summer hours does she send me
a "Thank sou, sir!"
They tell me to "'love my neighbor," an I lore
her right along;
But what does she care for the grief I bear,
and what for my sweetest song?
I dunno what songs or flowers my neighbor
does prefer,
Per never In Summer hours does she send me a
"Thank you, sir!"
Tell me to "love my neighbor" ? I've loved
her until I seem.
In the lonely way o' the world today, like one
that walks In a dream!
But what's the comfort It brings to me? My
heart an my pulses stir;
But never In Summer hours does she send mo
a "Thank you, slrl"
F. 1 S. In Atlanta Constitution.
WOMEN'S BUSINESS WAYS
Farce-Comedy, in One Act, Decline
With a Feminine Raid on
Povrderpufi Bank.
Scene The Powderpuff Bank.
Fifth
avenue.
Time Fifteen minutes before closing.
The usual rush of women begins; the
clerks et their various tasks begin to
awear softly and mutter to themselves.
Mr. Razzle (at the first window, endeav
oring to add a column of figures) Eighty
thousand six hundred and forty-two;
eight hundred and twenty; ninety thou
sand Miss Blondilocks I'd like a yard of
revenue stamps, please.
Razzle Yes, madam, next window.
Ninety-two thousand two hundred
Miss Blondilocks (at the next window)
A yard of revenue stamps, please; nice,
fresh ones.
Mr. Dazzle (Just trying to close up the
books) Will a dozen do?
Miss Blondilocks O, dear me! Haven't
you ary other color? My checks are all
pale pink.
Dazzle Sorry, madame, only -color they
come!
Miss Blondilocks O, pshaw! How much
aro they?
Dazzle Twenty-four cents.
Miss Blondilocks Isn't that rather
high?
Dazzle Not for two-cent . stamps. It
would be high for penny stamps.
Miss Blondilocks Will you please tell
me what time it is?
Dazzle (looking at a four-foot high
clock on the wall) Ten minutes to 8.
Miss Blondilocks I was to meet a
friend here at half past two. Did you
seo her? A girl with red hair and a
tailor-made gown and a bunch of violets
at least I think she would have a bunch.
She put them in the ice box last night.
Dazzle (wearily) No; I didn't see her.
Cab door slams Enter Mrs. Scrappem,
in a hurry.
Mrs. Scrappem (to the man at the first
window, indignantly) I would like to
know, sir, what you mean by returning
this check?
Razzle Forty-four million, eight thou
sand and . You'll have to see the
cashier, Mr. Strlngem third cage third
window, I mean.
Mrs. Scrappem (to Strlngem) Is this
Mr. Strlngem?
Strlngem (who has taken the first op
portunity to finish his luncheon, hard
boiled eggs and pie) Yes, madame.
Mrs. Scrappem And may I ask, sir,
why you returned my check?
Mr. Stringent Embarrassed.
Btringem (swallowing a whole egg In his
embarrassment) You must be overdrawn.
Mrs. Scrappem How dare you, sir?
What do you mean?
Strlngem You can't have any money in
the bank!
Mrs. Scrappem I thought you'd say
that. I've brought by check book along
to show you. There are still 15 blank
checks. So, there.
Strlngem (weakly, while a titter runs
audibly through the clerical department
If you will kindly leave your book we
will have the account balanced and will
rectify any mistake.
Mrs. Scrappem Leave my book! "What
proof would I have to show that you are
mistaken? I would like a written apology
in the morning, sir! (She sails out.
Strlngem groans and attacks the pie.)
Enter Miss Giggleton (to man at the
first window) O! I beg your pardon, but
would you mind my leaving my dog here
lor a little while, I
Razzle Fifteen hundred and eighty, six
teen hundred and six . Are you a de
positor? Miss Giggleton Sir?
Razzle Have you an account here?
Miss Giggleton My father is a member
here, if you mean thatl I think you
might keep the dog
Razzle Second window, miss eighteen
hundred and
Lady (to man at the first window I'd
like to draw a oheck, please
Razzle Nineteen, nineteen all right, go
ahead' nineteen hundred
Lady What brutes these men are! (To
the paying teller) Will you be kind
enough to tell me where one draws
checks?
Paying Teller In a check book, us
ually. Lady Well, I wish to draw one.
Paying Teller Do you mean you wish a
blank check?
Lady Certainly not. I wish to draw a
check for $50.
Paying Teller What's the name, please?
Lady Really, is It necessary to give
one's name? I can't see
Paying Teller But we don't know you.
madame. Have you any money deposited
here?
Lady Why, no. But my husband has!
He always gives me checks from here.
Paying Teller Well, he'll have to give
you another. This isn't a loan associa
tion Lady Well, I declarel I never heard
ot such Impudence! I shall certainly tell
my husband about it!
Penchie Prettyaom.
Razzle (throwing down hla pen) Well,
sir miss, madame what Is it?
Peachle Prettysom (almost in a whis
per) Can
please?
Razzle (blushing) Yes that is what
Peaohle There 's a matter I called In to
see about. If you would be so kind as to
adviso me.
Razzle (growing tender) Certainly!
With pleasure.
Peachle O, it's so sweet of you.
Razzle (looking around nervously)
Not at all!
Peachle (apologetically) I want JIB.
Razzle (In confusion) Er certainly
that Is paying teller fourth window.
Preachle (pouting) O. away down
there? Can't you you see, I'm so ner
vous, unless I can tnut any one! (She
looks flatteringly at Razzle.)
Razzle It's the rule you see, that the
teller
Peachle O, he don't have to. tell! That's
all right!
Razzle If you have a check I'll pass it
down for you.
Peachle O, thank you so much! (She
dives into a purse and brings out a pow
der rag, a bottle of Italian peppermints,
some samples and finally a check folded
into a small bunch.)
Razzle (unfolds It with difficulty) O,
Mr. Prottysom's check?
Peachle Yes, Jack's! He's the loveliest
fellow! Ho's out of town now.
Razzle Why, this Is dated today: and,
look here. Miss are you Miss or Mrs.
are you Mrs. Prettysom?
Peachlo (blushing) Why. no! I'm not
married! I'm Miss Prettysom Jack's my
brother!
Razzle Well, this signature is a clumsy
forgery. Mr. Prettysom never wrote It.
Peachle Why, of course, he didn't write
it! I Just told you he's out of town.
I wrote It myself.
Razzle O, you mustn't do things like
that. That's forgery.
Peachle (her eyes filling with tears)
Why, I think you are real mean! Jack
won't mind at all! I want to get a new
spangled collar, and I simply must have
it that's all! You can charge it to him.
Razzle Well, you'll have to see the
president or the bank. i
Two Matinee Girls (Interrupting) Is
this ths manicure's? Haven't you any
lady operators?
Razzle Second window
Enter two intensely respectable old la
dles (to Razzle) Young man, we'd like to
be put in the safe deposit vault.
Razzle Too late. They close ud at 2.
sharp.
First Old Lady I told you we'd lose
those silver spoons.
Second Old Lady We want to get our
property, young man bo many bankR
breaking nowadays
Irma Ulntcrlne.
Enter Irma Ulsterlne (she flips down a
check before the astonished old ladies)
Look here. Give me five new tens in a
hurry; no stage money, please. Thanks!
Have you got such a thing as a hairpin?
No? Well, tell me. Isn't my back hair
coming down? Think I'll have ten ones
for two of these. What do you close up
so early for, anyhow? Ta, Tal Remember
me to the president.
A stout lady comes In panting; also a girl
with eye-glasses and a woman with a lot
of parcels.
Girl with eye glasses (to paying teller)
I'd like two seats for the opera middle
aisle second gallery no posts in the way,
please.
Stout Lady Mercy Sakes! Is this a the
ater? I thought it was the Turkish bath!
Woman with parcles (to Strlngem. who
is handing out his luncheon dishes to a
waiter) I'd like a cup of tea, not too
strong, three chocolate eclairs and a sar
dine sandwich. Hurry, please.
Razzle (In a loud voice) This Isn't a
lunatic asylum, ladles; it's a bank a
bank.
The ladles How perfectly foolish that
man is! I don't wonder they have to keep
A Triumph of Love.
Sitting in his Summer tepee.
Smoking an imported cob-pipe
From the wilds of old Mlrtourl,
Sat "The Man That Never Labored,"
Chieftain of the Ru-ta-Ba-Goes.
As he sat the lodgo flap parted
Like the front hair of the dudelet.
In the geometric middle.
And, enshrouded In his blanket,
"Catch-the-She-Wolf ' stood before him.
Ere the chieftain could Invite him
To a seat on terra flrma
The aforo-named painted warrior
Bravely pulled himself together.
And with pathos thus addressed him: ,
"Mighty chieftain, hear my prayer,
Listen to my supplication!
Do not fire me from your presence
With a kick anent the breech-cloth!
I am mashed upon your daughter.
On the PrlnceBS Slant-Eyed Phyllis;
Just completely gone upon her.
And I'm certain from her symptoms
She reciprocates the goneness.
I have come to crave your blessing,
Come to ask as humble wooer
For a quitclaim deed unto her
Come to ask if you'll permit me
Now, henceforth, to call you paw-paw!"
Peered the chief beneath his eyebrows,
'Cause he couldn't peer above them.
Spat and barely missed the blanket
Upon which he sat cross-legged.
And in tones of zero coolness ,
Thus addressed the timid bucklet:
"Can you vow that you'll support her j
In the sumptuary manner j
To the which she's been accustomed? ,
Can you purloin chickens for her?
Can you pay nocturnal visits
To the smokehouse of the paleface
And abduct the hams and. side-meat
And the other pig attachments
Which, her appetite so yearns for?
Can you buck the game of faro.
Keep your feet warm at draw poker,
Shoot the crap-de-Afrlcanus,
And engage In other pastimes ,
That will keep her purse from wilting V
Then the lover sighed quite often,
Each successive sigh some deeper
Than Its airy predecessor.
And replied: "Alas, I cannot!
For I am a member ot the
T. 1L C Association,
And have conscientious scruples
'Gainst the vices you have mentioned."
Then the haughty chieftain snickered
In a real contemptuous manner,
Aimed a swift kick at the wooer.
But it failed to make a landing.
As the buck shot through the doorway
Like a streak of Jersey llghtningl
But the cause of true love triumphed.
And eventually he bought her
From the sire who so adored her
For a plug of store tobacco
And a pint ot long-range whisky.
"With the promise that he'd try to
Overcome his pious scruples.
Denver Post.
them in cages! We'd better get out,
they're bolting up the doors.
As the doors close a deep slrh of relief
goes up from the entire forco of clerks. A
clerk wheels a hand truck up to the safe.
The president Please call off the list of
found- articles. (The stenographer takes
notes.)
The clerk Eighty-seven pocketbooks,
contents of which are entered In the two
ledgers; 40 bank books, $110 in money, 17
veils, 30 gloves. 20 umbrellas, 10 garters,
two belts, four powder puffs, four pack
ages of Jewelry tied in handkerchiefs,
seven side combs and other small articles
all duly entered in the ledger. New York
Herald.
TALK WITH THE CEXSUS MAN.
Ham Pretzel Write a Novel on His
narrowing: Experience.
I haf decteloned to wrote vun uf dem
novels like "Janowitz Meredith," und
"To Have Id Und to Hold Id Ven You
Ged Id." und "Red Porridge," und "Ven
Night-time Vas In Der Flower Barrel,"
und "Vlld Animals I Haf' Met Before der
Doctor Arrived," un skettera, Der reason
vot drives me to dl3 crime vM appearance '
In der novel, vlch Is 'as following:
CHABDER EIN.
Id vas morning. Der sun vas yust kiss
ing der kopjes In der East. Suddenly der
low. rakish form uf a man came rushing
like a virhind ub der front 'stebs. Mlt
a graceful sweep of his feet he capsetted
dor milk cans, und crushed beneath his
heel a small piece uf cold vater vlch der
Ice Trust left dare before id melted.
Mlt a short-arm chab der man solaured
der door bell und sent der echoes und a
part uf der door flying In all directions.
"Vot can id be?" I set to myself. My
vlfe heard me und fainted. Chumplng
Into my horseless pajamas, I rushed to
der door and opened Id vide.
"Is Id hot enough for you?" set der
man.
Dink uf der derriblo sltivatlon. Der
avestion musd be answered. Dare vas
no eggscape, no vay to dotch Id. Twenty
years in der chall house if I refusaled to
answor Id. Caught In dor tolls afder all
dose years. Vould kind Heafcn send some
relief? Bud, no! der qvcstlon musd be
answered.
Id vas der census tooker.
CHABDER ZWEL
For a moment all vas so still you
could hear der market drop In Vail
street.
Den like der raddle uf musketry on a
roof garden der qvestlons fell all around
me:
"Vas you white or black, und how do
you account for it?
"If a herring und a half cost a shilling
und a half, how much Is a 10-cent cigar
vorth In American money?
"Do you oat oatmeal vor breakfast, und
vy do you eat breakfast ven id Is cheap
er to sleeb?
"Dlt you efer bolong to a Trust, und
how many years did you serve for Id?
"Vas you a pro-Boer or a pro-bono
publico?
"Haf you efer had der measles, und
vy?
"Dlt you efer have a policeman in your
family, und vot vas he after?
"Do you save your money personally,
or do you ged dem to save Id for you
at der race track?
"Vat vas der most money you efer vun
on a race?
"(a)Ven you voke ub dlt you turn ofer
und vent to sleeb again?
"Do you own der house you live In or
does der Janitor dlnk he owns id?
"Did you Intention to wislt der Paris
Exposay?
"Vas your married life habby, und who
is to blame?"
Den der census tooker vlped dor per
splrlngs from his prow, and boring a
hole in his tongue mit his lead pencil,
he valted for me to hand him a cubblo
uf answers.
"Yes," I responded absent-mlndlngly.
CHABDER DREL
Dare vas a thunderous sound life ven
Boston Maids.
The servant girls In Boston so at least we
understand
Dust the floor and wash the dishes with their
Homer in one hand;
And some, it Is reported, will not even deign
to speak
Unless those who address them can parley
vous In Greek.
They are net of the Hoi Pollol, these maids
who bake and brew.
The blood that courses through 'em is the
bluest of the blue;
So, too If on suoh topic to write my pen may
dare
Pit bet a sliver dollar ore the stockings that
they wear.
I Buppose those Boston servants know "luo"
qui to by heart; v
That the measly verbs in "m-l" are of them
selves quite a part;
They can give the conjugations and have the
declensions pat.
Groat Caesar I try and fancy a servant girl
like that.
It must bo great at dinner to have a waiting
maid
Who has just been holding converse with Aga
memnon's shade;
And, to feel her mind is wanderinr amid old
Grecian scenes
As she takes away the soup bowls and brings
on the pork and beans.
Pm sorry to admit it; but the solemn truth Is
this.
Our girls are short on Homer here in Minne
apolis. They hare never heard of Priam, that gay and.
festive boy.
And would scarcely feel acquainted with
Helen, once of Troy. ,
But from this It does not follow that tho girls
who serve us well
Are lacking In the culture, ot those who la
Boston dwell.
We will pass the wreath In Homer over to tho
Boston maids.
But on Ibsen and BJornson ours can give 'em
cards and spades.
Minneapolis Journal.
At Twilight.
A twilight silhouette from the pen of tho
laureate poetess of Lost Creek:
Tho sleepy sun sinks down to rest
Out yonder In Its purple nest:
The stars poep forth and wink -their eye
Down at us from the mouse-gray skies.
Tho gaunt wolf speaks from out Its den
And seeks the rancher's chicken pen.
And up In yonder canyon walls
The tailless bob-cat sits and squalls.
The night owl hoots on yonder crag.
The pup kl-o-tees chew the rag,
While over all the moonlight hangs
As if the earth were wearing' bangs.
'Tls then we gape and softly creep
Into our hunk and go to sleep.
Denver Post.
der ankry storm clouds vna brewing In
der brewery.
Id vas my vlfe coming down stalrs-
"I haf overheard him," she vlspered mlt
a hoarseness. "Vx do you stant dare like
a vooden mans? Vy? Half you got no
brafery lefd7 Vare Is all your Dutoh
courage? Show some of Id, show Id! Ask
him some qvestlonsl Haf you lose your
Interrogation point? Go on; be a man
und Bhow your spunk! Ask him a cub
ble of hard vans!"
"Id is too late," I made der murmur;
"too lade. Ho knows eferydlngl"
"Ach. Hlmmll!" set my vife; does he
know dot I am still vcaring my lost Sum
mer's Mother Hubbard?"
"Yes," I respondent, mlt a sorrowful
ness, and den my vife collapsed herself
und a large part of der hall floor.
Mid a fiendish laughter der census took
er dlsappearanced in ler next door, und
I knew nuddlng more because ho knew
id all. New York Journal.
"PAW" ON OHIVESK niESTipit
Explanations About the "Boxers"
Explains About tuo Boxers"
"My, oh. my," maw told us after she
took off her glasses and cot to breathen
on them and rubbon Them with her
Hankerchlef last nlte, 'It Does beat all
How people go on Fiten and killing one
Anuther. What's all this Trubblo about
In China, paw?"
"Paw was blzzy lighting his slgar, so
Little albert, says:
"Maw."
"What is It, Darling?" maw ast him.
"Is your site Getting weaker than it
yoostto Be?" Uttlo albert told her.
"No," maw says, "why?"
"Becoz you no We had unions for Din
ner and I thot mebby you might Be
breathin on The glases to Make them
stronger."
Paw had to Laff so hard he swallowed
a Mouth full of smoke and neerly choked
to Deth., but after he got So he could
tawk again and Had the tiers wiped Out
of his eyes, he says:
"You see. It's all on account of the Box
ers. If it wouldn't be for them the Grate
powers wouldn't have Enny excuse to Go
over with Their war botes and mur
reens and Keep watching one Anuthe
while the Chinamen are killing mlshcn
nerreys and Forren councils."
"What do They haft to watch one an
other for?" maw ast.
"So one won't Get more men or Ships
in than Enny of the Others," paw Says.
"It's a nawfle Delllcut Job. You see meb
by They are a mlssen Nerrey and his
Family getting killed up In Chow-Chow
or Slam-Bang and Rusheya wants to rush
to his rescew. But that's where Germun
ny and Inglund and frants come along
and say:
A Christian Duty.
" 'Hold on thare. It's the duty of the
Christian nalshuns to not Let Ennybuddy
get In Here where tney mite have a
chance to rob the Heathen of his Burth
rite that he never new He had by takin
his Land away from him.'
" Well,' the Rusheyans would say, 'they
are a Christian mlshenerry up the crick
hollering fer help, and It's the Duty of
the enlltened nalshuns of the Erth to save
him and his fambly from a Horrable
fait' " "
"But the other enlltened nalshuns of
the Erth are afradethe Rusheyuns mlta
stake off some Land they want them
selves, so they ast How menny men they
have, and the Rusheyuns say six Thou
sand. That's too menny. They mite go
in and Take seven or Ate counties after
they got the mlshunerrcy saved, so the
other enlltened nalshuns tell the Rushey
uns If they want to Send three Hundred
and alty-seven men up to Save the Chris
tians that are Going to get Beheaded by
Three mlllyun Chinamen, all rite. But
they can't have enny more till the Rest
Get Jlst as menny, and Find out what
ports They want."
"But sposen that wouldn't be enuff to
save the mlshen nerreys and their Famb
lles," maw says.
"Well," paw told her, "that would Be
tuff Luck on the mlshen ne"ueys. That's
Dolce Far NIente.
The wave Is wildly rolling
Upon the sapphire sea.
The crab is caracoling .
Along the sand In glee;
The air Is soft and hazy.
No zephyr stirs the daisy,
And I'm about as lazy
As ever I can bo.
My duster of alpaca ' f
I doff and feel as gay
As any portulaca
In morning's golden spray, r
For In the hammock swinging, - .
Unto my "brier" clinging. ,.
X hear the nsbball singing -
His. merry roundelay.
The snowy sail Is shining
In sliver folds afar.
The bumblebee Is dining . "
Upon tho purple star
That from the vine flrp-flapplng
The hummingbird Is tapping, '
While I am wly slapping
My sandalwood guitar. -
My state Is almost coma, ?.
80 languid Is my dream, -
E'en while the lush aroma
Of pork and beans a-steara " ,
Comes gently o'er me stealing.
And sounds the depths of feeling ;
And sets my spirits reeling
To melodies supreme. '
. !
My fancy's airy sklmlet
Outsklms the gliding stork,
While with the festive gimlet
I penetrate the cork;
For like each cocktail bubble
Bursts every thought ot trouble
As I fly on the double
Quick for the knife and fork.
Then o'er the gleaming damask
Bo rich with fleur de lis,
X hear Maud for more ham ask
In light and airy glee.
She's in my vision blooming.
The billow's muslo booming.
And paradise Is looming
In fairy gold for me.
R. K. Munklttrlck In New York Herald.
What's the Odds?
She drags her skirt along the street
Through pools ot filth and slime;
She moves along with mincing feet.
Serene, superb, sublime!
Her demltrsin sweeps cut behind.
And gathers germs in squads.
But, splendid thing! She doesn't mind.
And, therefore, "what's tho odds?"
Sho hesitates to quench her thirst
For fear ot germs and bugs;
The water that she drinks must first
Bo boiled or put in Jugs:
She trembles every time she eats, .
And microbes haunt her dreams
Yet as her skirts dragged through the streets
Ob, how arsperb ho seems! -A
Chicago Times-Herald.
one thing a. mlshen nerrey always ot to
Think about Before he goes away to Save
heathen soles. If I would bo Going in
the mlshen nerrey bizness I would always
Pick out some place where the Enlltened '
I nalshuns of the Erth couldn't come i
around and get the soleless Heathen to
kill me an my Fambly so they would
have a nexcuse to Grab a seaport or
seas a Chippie of townships."
As to the "Boxers."
Then maw ast: "Why. are They so
much in the papers about the Boxers?
What are They enny way?"
"You see," Paw Told us. 'Til tell you.
They are a Lot of measully Chinamen
that Think forreners Haven't enny rite
to come Into the Coimtry and Get on the
noleace force and Run for offus and
work up ice trusts and sutch things and
Hold all the Jobs In the sltty Hall. Just
think of sutch a Heathunlsh crime. That
shows How they are Still stumbling
Around in the Dark alges over There
In China without knowing what It Is to
be enlltened and Have a Glorious coun
try whare all are Free and Eakwul and
every man a nuncrowned King who hasn't
much sho to get a noffice If He was born
thare. So that's why I say thay ot to go
ahed and Slotter the Boxers In big piles."
"Well," maw says, "I don't no howyou
can blame The poor things for not want
ing forreners to Come in and Run the
country."
"Great hewens!" paw says, "Don't let
enneybuddy hear you Saying such a hor
hlble Thing as that. I mite want to Run
for Something some time, and If It Ever
got Out that I let you Have sutch Senta
munts my polllt Tickle fewcher would bo
so fur Behind me I wouldn't have time
to Ever go back and find it. That's al
most blass Feamle." "Georgle," in Chi
cago Times-Herald.
LESS OX IN GEOMETRY.
Mathematics Cat Some Ice in This
Household Discnssion.
They had been married six weeks. Ho
had delivered dally lectures on the ex
pense of the dove cote It Is not un ikely
that she had acted upon her own Judg
ment. Evidently . she knew more about
come things than he. Looking up from
hi"? newspaper, In m nlpulatlng which he
overturned his cup of coffee, he said:
"I see that Ice has been reduced to 40
cents.'
She was engaged In pouring his second
cup. He repeated his remark.
"Yes, dearie," she replied, "I heard
you."
"Then there Is a small reduction there.
My sainted father, to whose financial acu
men we are Indebted for a go d many
things In this apartment, used t say
to me when I was a toy that It was
the spigot saving which offset the waste
at the bunghole. or som thing of that
sort. You know where the spigot Is, ot
course, sweetheart."
"I have seen it diagrammed," was the
reply.
"Of course, because Ice has been re
duced from 60 to 40 cent3 is no reason
why your girl should be allowed to chop
the Ice Into powder, or use It m;re reck
lessly. That would not be economy. If
she did that It would make no difference
to you whether Ice was 40 cents or a
dollar. You get the drift? It 13 appllc
ab'e to all expenses."
"What is the weather forecast, dearie?"
' I haven't seen it. 1 was ta king
about our household expenses. I hope
you heard what I said about this lea bus
iness." Why. certainly I did, but I did not
know that it called for a special rep'.y."
"I only want you to cultivate the nnan
clal hints which I throw out, because 1
cannot look after details of the rouse and
watch the ticker at the same time."
She was busy with her pencil.
"Making out your order for the day?"
he asked.
No, dearie, I was thinking of a little
problem In geometry one of the last we
had In our class."
"What nonsense! A woman has about
as much use for geometry as a hen has
for a life preserver."
"Won't you look at these figures,
Campaign Has Begun.
The rank cigars.
The bum cigars.
Cigars of arlous hues;
Tho fat cigars, t
The slim cigars,
The twofers manhood rues;
The crook' d cigar,
Tho straight cigar.
And some that tasto of grape;
The pale cigar,
The black cigar,
Of every size and shape;
The round, the square,
p. Tho cheap, tho rare.
The thousand different brands;
Tho foiled cigars.
The glassed cigars.
Cigars from foreign lands;
Tho Henry Clay
From Tampa Bay;
Tho rolls from Baldwlnsrllle;
Connecticut's
Congenial butts.
That smoulder on tho sill;
The cabbage leaf
Without corned beef. ,
And "fillers" made of straw;
The gay cheroot '
That smacks of "boot."
That fills the soul with awe;
Unhappy man.
Forsake the can.
And get ye on the run;
Your cyclone pit.
Get Into It
The campaign-has begun!
' Sracuse'Herald.
"Where Is Chnrleyt
The hammock hangs beneath tho trees,
A dainty maid supporting.
The crooning, sighing. Summer breezs
Is o'er her form cavorting.
But to the wheat the zephyrs sigh
And whisper to the barley,
"A tear Is In yon maiden's eye
She misses Charley!"
The night Is cool, the moon is bright,
'Tls Just a night for cooing.
The birds aro taking sweet delight.
Their tales of love renewing. j,
The maiden weeps to hear the sound,
Her brow with grief la gnarly,
"Think of blm In the hot, hot town, ,
My poor old Charley l
The streamlet hugs the yielding shore,
Tho dewdrops kiss the heather;
All things seem loving moro and mora
In this love-making weather
The maiden sobs and tears her hair
Til It Is mussed and snarly.
Ah, he might muss It were he thcrot
Poor, sweltering Charley! '
Upon 4 roof, high up In air, ,
Above the hot old city, ' .
Tipped back In comfort in a chair.
While some girl sings a ditty
Upon the stage, with drinks that say '
To grief. "Get out no parleyl" - ;
Roof-gardening till the break of day
Ah, there Is Charley! ,
Paul West In Xow York World.
dearie. I have drawn them hastily," and
she shoved over a sheet of paper on which
there were three squares, the first being
the biggest. Ho gave the drawings a
hasty glance and said he supposed they
were correct, but he hoped she would
permit herself to think of more practical
matters.
"That Is what I thought I was doing,
dearie," she replied, with a slight tremolo
In her voice. But, in spite of It, she pro
ceeded to demonstrate. ,
"Let the largest square represent 25
pounds of Ico when the price was 60
cents. Then let the second square be
equivalent to the flrst""vvhen the price was
50 cents. Then, according to the rule
of ratio, the smallest square will repre
sent the chunk of lco I receive after the
congealed necessity has been reduced to
40 cents. I have forgotten the geometric
formula, dearie, but you get the drift.
In other words, dearie, what difference
does it make to a housekeeper who buys
by the chunk, whether ice Is GO or
cents?"
As ho had less than nine mlnute3 to
make the last express, he had no tlma
to discuss her demonstrations, but he
admitted to his partner at luncheon that
no woman was fit to be a housekeepal
unless sho was proficient In higher math
ematics. New York Sun.
HOW JIM WON HIS BRIDE.
Read Congressional Record to Dad
Until Dnd Got Tired.
"Old man Presburg used to annoy Jim
Barnes terribly when Jim was courting
hl3 daughter. Amy, insisting on talking
over the political situation every time Jim
came Into the house. Finally Jim said In
reply to one of the old .man's questions
that It had been so ably explained by
Senator Chandler, we'll say, that It would
be better to use his very words in answer
ing it. So Jim whipped out a copy of
the Congressional Record and read a long
speech of the Senator's. It took him an
hnur to eet throueh with It. and -when
he looked around he discovered that the
old man was yawning furiously.
"The next evening- Jim came round
again and headed the old man off before
he could say a word. 'Got a good speech
here I want to read to you,' he said, as
he unfolded the Record. This time he
read steadily for two hours. When ho
looked around the old man was fast
asleep. So Jim and Amy slipped out on
the porch. Did you hear how Jim got
tills consent to marrying the girl?"
"No."
"He went around to his office with what
looked like a big roll of Congressional
Records under his arm, and the old man
caved right In at once. Why, It got so
at last that he would go out and sit In
the barn with the hired man wnen ne saw
Jim coming up the front steps with a
Congressional Record In his hand. And
after they were married It wa3 "a hard
Job to get the old man to come around
and see them.
"When he did come, one Sunday after
noon, he looked about him and said In his
grim way, 'I supposed I'd see an entire
library full of those Records.' Jim sort
o' grinned at the old man and said. 1
never owned but one copy in all my life
and I borrowed that!' "Cleveland Plain
i-Dealer.
CHANGE A COMMA MADE.
New Yorlcer Tangles Up His Friends'
Thlnlc Tanks.
There was a merry party of young men
about town In a Broadway cafe the other
evening, and the discussion somehow drift
ed from wine and horae6 to enigmas, rid
dles and puzzles truly a subject which
seldom interests men of this class, but
this particular evening they seemed lo
find it fascinating.
Presently a young man with a blonde
mustache offered to bet any man in the
party that he could give a simple little
sentence which at first glance seemed ab-
The Summer Vacation.
Now the time has arrived when tho city-bred
man
Finds a synonym good for vexation;
Ho has got to discover at once If he can
Whereabouts he will spnd his vacation.
First he goes to a railroad and calls for a
guide.
Both the mountains and shore Illustrating,
Then he figures out car fare and groans on the
side.
At the cost of a Summer's locating.
But at length he perceives what ho thinks is a
spot.
Quite ideal for a fortnight's enjoyment.
And-ho lugs to his homo all the maps that he
got.
When he goes from his placa of employment.
But at homo all his troubles grow bigger
apace;
No sooner his cholco does ho mention.
Then his wife up and says such a horrible
place
Is but fit for a house of detention.
"Don't you know, Thomas Albert," she says
with disdain,
at was thero that Marie took the fever?
Wasn't there, do you guess? Well. 'then Just
guess again."
What on earth can he do but believe her?
So he says: "Never mind, suit yourself all
alone.
And I won't make the slightest objection.
But ha does Just tho same, and, all happiness
flown.
They quit In the deepest dejection.
Thus It goes for a week, at It early and late;
Thomas Junior, his son, wants the water;
"rent a. ateo" says mamma, "you'd be
drowned sure as fate."
"Yes, of course," declares Carrie, the daugh
ter. "We should go to the mountains, I think, '
says papa;
Xet us seek out a lake," says Aunt Mary:
"What's tho matter with farming?" then ar
gues momma;
"There Is much to be seen at a dairy."
What we want, then, aro cows In a lake on
a hill."
Pa remarks in a tone of negation;
Bo the argument goes, and thoyTe arguing
still
What a Joy Is the Summer vacation!
Arthur H. Folwell In Brooklyn Eagle.
They langhed, But
Til make the world a happier world,"
Sold ho;
Til make men loso their sorrows In
Their glee;
Til make them laugh where'er I can
At witty things I eay,
And shapo ray every act and plan
To clear the gloom away."
Ho Btarted bravely out to do
His best;
He sought to make mirth bubblo from
Each breast.
And where he strayed the crowd forgot
To fret or sigh or frown
Twas him men laughed at, though, and not
At What he said, poor clown!
S. E. Klscr la Chicago Times-Herald.
eolutely unintelligible, but upon the addi
tion of a comma and the emphasis of two
words would at once become as clear oa
the blue sky. As every gentleman pres
ent had sporting blood In his veins, the
bet was at once taken up, and five and
tens were showered upon the table in quick
order.
The young man with th.i blonde mus
tache then put up his money, and the
whole was deposited with the proprietor
of the cafe. The young man then wrote
the following on a piece of paper and
passed it around:
"It was not and I said but or."
The Idea was to punctuate this sen
tence and emphasize the words in such a
manner as to make It read Intelligently. A
half-hour was given for the task.
Every one began to think hard, and, as
the proprietor said, "you could almost
hear the wheels going round." Lould
talking caesed and quite reigned, and the
young men worked like a lot of bookkeep
ers trying to starlghten out a shortage in
their accounts. When the half-hour wa3
up none of them was able to write the
sentence as it should be written, and
many expressed doubts that it could be
made intelligible at all.
The youns man with the blonde mus
tache smiled sweetly, and with a few
strokes of bis pencil made the sentence
look like this:
"It was not 'and I said, but 'or.' "
And as he took the money some of tho
young men wondered why they could not
see It before, while a few others even
could not see It then. New York Her
ald. RETURNS TO HIS OLD LOVE.
Canvasser's Discouraging: Experi
ence "With a Boole on Dogs.
"I've gone back to my first love, the
great 'Celebrated Compendium of Univer
sal Knowledge,' bound in calf and sold
at a price within the reach of all," said
the book agent with a sigh. "The other
day the head member of the firm that
I am proud to represent called me Into
his private office and showed me a book
on dogs, telling how to take care of them,
what to feed, what to do for the mange,
how to tell a mastiff from a pug, how to
handle a mad dog In fact. It was a
regular dog encylcopedla, bound in cloth;
and sold at a popular price.
"The moment I set eyes oa that book
I saw great possibilities In It. I knew
from bitter experience that nearly every
one kept a dog, and no matter what kind
ot a cross-eyed purp it might be the
owner couldn't be convinced that his own,
particular dog wasn't the finest dog on
earth. I made up my mind that there
was a fortune in the sale of that book,
and I secured the exclusive right to thl3
city before I left the office. Cautioning
the head member of the firm to keep the
presses going, so there would be no pos
sible chance of a shortage, I started out
to place the great work before the pub
lic. The first house that I struck my
hopes received a sudden chill.
"I was no sooner In the yard than a
big dog come tearing around the corner
of the house and made for me. There
was only one thing to llo, and I did it, I
made for a tree that was near and man
aged to get out of tho way before the
beast arrived. As he showed no desire
to leave, I yelled for help A man camo
to the door, and after calmly looking the
situation over asked what 1 wanted.
" 'I am selling a work on dogs,' I said
rather weakly from my position In the
tree. 'It tells how to cure tho mange
what to feed, what to"
" 'Well.' said he, cutting In, 'explain It
to Tige and if he cares anything about
It I'll buy It.' With that he went inside)
and shut the door.
"For two mortal hours that miserable-cm-
sat under the tree and licked hl3
chops. Then the owner came to the door
again and said it wa3 time that Tlge had
his dinner and that I could finish ex
plaining the book to him after ho got
through. If he hadn't called that dog
awov lust as he did Tlge would have
had his dinner right under the tree, and
the firm would have been short one book
agent. As far as I am concerned, every
cussed dog In this city may die of the
mange. In fact, I hope they will!" De
troit Free Press
Easy to Awaken Them.
Dr. Blomfleld, bishop of London half a
century ago, was a man of much wit,
and also had a keen appreciation of wit
in other people, whatever their walk la
life might be.
Once when a new church in his .diocese
was to be consecrated the bishop received
several letters complaining that the arch
itect of the new church had disfigured
the Interior and exterior with "useless
gewgaws." Consequently the bishop went
down to the little town to make an in
spection of the building, and summoned
the architect to meet him there.
The bishop could find nothing amiss
with the exterior of the church nor with
the Interior until, Just as he reached the
chancel, he looked up and saw four
wooden Images, apparently guarding the
pulpit.
"What do tnose ngures represent 1 aa
Inquired.
"The four evangelists, my lord," replied
the architect.
"They appear to be asleep," said the
bishop.
"Do you think so, my lord?"
"That's the way they look to me," said
the bishop, decidedly.
"John." called the architect to a man
who was at work on one of the pews,
"bring your chl3el and open the eyes of
the evangelists." Youth's Companion.
One of Life's Sorrows.
"Were you the smartest boy in yous
school?" asked the very bright boy.
"Why er no, not exactly," answered,
his father.
"Did you know as much as I do when
you were my age?"
"X don't believe I did."
"Are you even at this late day able to
extract the cube root ot a number with
out referring to a text-book?"
"No no. I don't believe I can."
"That's all," said the very bright boy
as he. turned to his books. Then he
heaved a sigh, and with a look of deepest
reproach exclaimed:- "Parents often turn
out to be a terrible disappointment to
tholr children nowadays." Washington
Star. ,