THE SUNDAY OBEGOKIAff. POflTLA-hT), MAY 20, 1900.
2U
1IN HUMOR sil
"De Suntihine Sonar."
Tou got ter dig of you gits de gold
En rise rum yo' sleepln' bed;
You can't mek hay ef you stop ter hold
De embrella over jo head!
Oh. workers.
Time a-gwlne 'long;
You can't mek hay
On de rainy day
You mus" elnp de sunshine song!
ley ain't no use fer ter tell yo pain
Ter weep In de lonesome night;
Dey ain't no use fer ter pray fer rain
Ef de -win' ain't blowln right!
Oh. workers.
Time a-gwine 'long;
You can't mek hay
On de rainy dar
You mus' sing de sunshine song!
Atlanta Constitution.
WANTED TO SLEEP ALONE
Little Gcorsrle Tells of "Paw's" Dis
astrous Experience Witn a
Folding- Bed.
Last wensday nite pay came Home all
exslted.
"Maw," he Bays, "1 bet you Don't no
what. I bot a Folden bed today."
"What on erth Did you do that For?"
maw ast h'm.
"Becoz It was a Bargen," paw says.
"The grate trubblo with so m'enny Peeple
In this Life Is they Don't no How to grasp
thare Opper chewnateye. Sposen I would
of Let thie chanct Go by and sum Day
we would need a Folden bed and Couldent
get one lor less than seventeen Dollars.
Then we would Look back and Be sorry,
but now We won't ever Haft to Do that.
One of the men In the Store's Broke up
Housekeepun becoz his wife thot It waa
cheaper to Bord than advertise for Gurls.
so He sed If I wanted the Bed he would
sell It For six Dollars. It'll be Out here
tomorro, and I Gese I better use it Bnny
way. becoz I want to Sleep alone."
Maw didn't Say mutch till after the
Bed came, then She told paw She dlden't
beleave In things of That kind becoz pee
ple were always coming out of Them a
good Deal the worse for ware and Talr.
One Fault of "Maw."
"Yes." paw iys, "I no Sutch Things
.Happen, but you offun hear about peeple
that bio out the Gass, too. Don't you?
That's one fait I haft to find with you
Maw. You can't eeera to Get over the
Idea that I'm a nlnnosunt agrlculchcrlst
that came Into the grate sitty to stay over
nlte and never got yoost to sleepen on en
nythlng But a feather Bed. and drinking
Coffey out of my sosser. It eeems strange
that you never lurned to Have more con-
xadunce In mo."
That nlte After paw let the Bed down,
he says :
"Now I am etgoln' to Get the Furst good
mite's rest I've had for years. It's a sine
that peeple are far remooved frum the
Savldges when they begin to Want to
Sleep alone. Peeple that haven't Got
mutch refinement mlxt Into thare naltch
ers yet Don't mind sleeping In Row like
some kinds of anamulz. But the farther
away a purson Gets from Being a dum
Bruit the more they want to Sleep alone.
I've felt this Feelln' growin on me for a
Long time."
So paw went to Bed and Left the Door
open and prltty soon he Got to Sleepn
as peacefull as a Lam and the Folden
bed seemed to agree with Him all rite.
But when maw tried to put the pupp out
for the nite ho didn't want to go and
skooted into paw's room and Under the
Bed. I geste he must of trlde to Straiten
up when he got under" and Give the foot
of the Bed a start Becoz the first Thing
wo new it went Shut like a nlfe Blade
after you presn It a Little, and paw
"Was Inside with His hed Down and His
Feat up.
"raw" Gnx-Kletl Some.
Paw kind of gurgled 'omo and Maw
Hollered help and we Got the hired Gurl
and her Bo to come in from the Kitchen,
so when we Let paw down he was too
Blzzy tryin to Ketch his breth to ast for
enny purtlckulare. He Got it all rite in
time.
Then wo found whare they Ust to Be
a Hook to keep the Bed from flying shut,
but it was broke off. The girl's bo sed
he would give paw a Dollar and forty
sonts for the Bed becoz he had a nenemy
he could cent it to for a Burthdav nres-
ent. Paw stood up With a Sheat rapped I
around Him and Pointed at the Door with
a Look of Skorn, eo the girl and Her bo
went back to the kitchen.
The next morning paw rose erly and
pawed the folden Bed to peaces Before
broakfaet. Then he Told maw:
"That's what I call a Cheap bargun. If
this wouldn't of Happened the Hole fam
bly mite of 3ot smuthered In folden Beds
some time. But I s'pose It would Be too
mutch to think a Womun could look at
sutch a thing filosofickle. Georgie, In Chi
cago Times-Herald.
CIUXGED HIS MIND.
"Wife's Heady Acquiescence Upset
His Equilibrium.
"My dear." said Wltherby, "I have been
thinking the matter over after recently
reading a very sensible article on the
subject, and I have concluded that If I
should die I should want you to marry
again."
Mrs. Wltherby looked up with a balf
qulzzlcal expression.
That's a strange doctrine for you to
profess.." she .aid. calmly.
"Well," said Wltherby. "there has al--ways
been a good deal of tommyrot
about second marriages, and after all. if
we view the matter In a sensible llsht,
there Is no reason why a woman shouldn't
marry again."
Mrs. Wltherby had not lived with her
husband for 11 years without knowing
something about him.
"That is true," she said, still more
calmly. "And a matter which I have
often thought about. Sentiment Is all
very well, of course, but It isn't practi
cal. A woman might make a mistake
the first tune "
Wltherby started to interrupt her, but
she went on smoothly:
"I don't say they all do, of course. But
by the time shi Is ready to marry again
ehe has had a certain amount of experi
ence and is pretty apt to get ,the right
kind of a husband. "Why, then, should
she remain single, unprotected and alono
for the sake of an idle sentiment, when
for the rest of her life she can live In
comfort and happiness. I agree with you
perfectly, my dear."
"You do. do you?" said Wltherby, sav
agely pulling out of his pocket and light
ing the one-too-many cigar that be hadn't
Intended to smoke. "Well, I'll Just tell
you one thing right here. Before I give
you a chance to carry out any such deep
laid scheme as you evidently have had
in your mind, why, if necessary, I'll livo
to be a thousand!" Harper's Bazar.
TAKING BABY'S PICTURE.
All Hands Take a Hand at Getting
Him to "Look Pleasant."
Mother Now, sit up straight!
Aunt Jane There, that's a dear!
Neighbor Oh! Isn't he too sweet!
Baby Goo!
Photographer Just a little farther for
wardhere. Mother Come, baby, come!
Aunt Jane Yes, baby must.
Baby Ya-ya-a !
Sister Don't cry, old tootsy-toot, and get,
all scowly-owly-owl!
Neighbor We'll not let naughty, strange
man shoot.
Mother (firmly) He never set up such a
howl!
Aunt Jane See, baby, see!
Sister Bow-wow!
Neighbor Ba-ba-a !
Mother Oh, what a pitty picture book!
Photographer (jingling keys) Here,
baby.
Sister What a darling!
Baby Ta-a!
Aunt Jane Does baby want the birdie?
Look!
Mother (triumphant) He's all right
now.
Neighbor The little man!
Photographer (wiping his forehead)
Please place him as he was befoie. You
want him laughing?
Mother It wo can.
Sister Chic, chic.
Baby Goo-goo !
Photographer We'll try once more.
Aunt Jane Hl-dlddle-dlddle!
Photographer (rattling keys) Baby, see
clink, clink!
Neighbor Toot, toot!
Aunt Jane Hi-diddle-day!
Sister He looks as solemn as can b;.
Mother How queer! He never is that
way!
Sister The precious dear!
Neighbor The little Judge!
Baby Goo-goo!
Aunt Jane He knows!
Neighbor Of course!
Baby Goo-goo !
Mother Well, take him sober. He'll not
budge. He's like his fath (baby laughs.
Photographer snaps the shutter.).
All the women .(admiringly) There!
Baby knew! (Photographer, wearily, but
thankfully, wipes his forehead). Edwin
L. Sabin, In Century.
PATRIOTISM LET LOOSE.
Paralysed by His Up-to-Date Daugh
ter's Superior ICnowIedfre.
After he had belped the plates and ve
toed the baby's proposition to sit with
both feet on the table after kicking over
the coffee pot, this patriotic citizen of
Piety Hill thought It the proper time to
discuss Washington for the children's
benefit He first told the hatchet fable to
the smaller ones, and came out strong on
tho moral.
"But that Is denied," interrupted the
elder daughter, who Is wearing her first
long dresses this Winter. He flashed an
awful frown upon ber, and meant to hurry
along that the sublime faith of the "kids"
might not be Impaired by this heresy, but
the daughter had no idea of being sup
preased. "And I just read the other day," she
went on. "that he had a horribly violent
temper. It was something frightful when
he got to going."
Baby's attempt to swallow a dessert
spoon made a welcome interruption, and
the father branched off .to the farewell
address. It was one of the most beau
tiful, soul-stirring and impressive things
In the English language. It was superb
"But I Just read in a January magazine
that Washington did not write it at all.
The author"
"Go to your room, young lady. You
skeptics would have Interrupted the Ser
mon on the Mount Bacon wrote Shakes
peare. Half the authors have been nla-
giarists. The Bible is not authentic.
Nothing is real, not even the toothache.
The world's going crazy. I say that
Washington never told a lie. He wrote
his own speeches. Ho was first in peace,
first in war. and first In the hearts of his
countrymen. Catch that baby!"
But it was too late. The patriotic little
chap. In his excitement had kicked hlm-
seii over Backward, a shower of dishes
submerged him, and tho subject of Wash
ington was, by tacit consent put over for
a year. Detroit Free Press.
TOOK ALL RIGHT.
No "Wonder the Man Looked Misrhty
Pale and Peaked. .
"I don't think I will ever have small
pox," he said as he dropped Into a seat
in a Third-avenue car the other morning.
His face was pale and peaked, his eyes
sunken, and he looked as though he had
been sick for six months.
"Don't do to go without vaccination,"
cautioned his friend.
"Vaccination! I'll dio before I'm ever
vaccinated again."
Then he told of his troubles. "You see
I got a little nervous a few weeks ago
and went to a doctor and was vaccinated
I waited a week, and it did not take, and
so I went again. He vaccinated me on
the other arm. That didn't take, and I
went back again.
" 'Sometimes it will not take In the
arms when It does elsewhere on the body,'
said the doctor; so he vaccinated me on
my right leg.
"I had had enough then, but my -wife
was nervous and insisted that I go again.
So I went the fourth time. The physician
tried the other leg. For a few days I
couldn't see any signs of Its workingand
then all of a sudden my right arm, the
one that was vaccinated first began to
work. It simply wouldn't atop, and the
left arm got tho fever, and began to
work. I began to feel mighty mean
about that time, and to make matters
worse I got a cold. Then both legs be
gan to work, and for two weeks I laid
flat on my back and worked. Ouch! that
leg Is sore as well. If I ever go near a
doctor again Just let me know, will you,"
and he limped out of the car on his
crutches toward his ofllce. Detroit Free
Press.
MUCH IN A NAME.
Strange Things One Sees and Hears
In Detroit Restaurant.
'Til have a little of that pot-luck." said
the oleaginous customer to the chef of a
modest little restaurant on a side street
She promptly brought him some vegeta
ble soup.
"What's on your time table?" asked a
hurried-looking customer, who slammed
the door on a dog's tall and caused gen
eral commotion. Looking at the bright
new bill of fare he asked for some "links,"
a coupling-pin and an oiling tank.
"I'll hev sum o them there mashed pe
tatys painted brown," said the man with
the piece of billiard cloth over his eye.
The chef brought him a piece of pump
kin pie, and told him to look out for the
paint
"A little chalk, please," and this man
was given some milk.
-uimme a tittle or everything" re
quested a lean, hungry-looking man. '
And she did. He got a piece of mince
pie.
The chef explained.
"That first man the one that called for
pot-luck is a gambler," she said. "The
second one, as you may have judged, is a
railroad man. By links' ho means sau
sage, a 'coupling-pin' Is what goes with
it. and an 'oiling tank' is a cup of coffee.
The countryman that calls pumpkin pie
'mashed potatoes painted brown has been
in here several times, and he always uses
that term. He had to point out the pie
the flrst time, as I couldn't think what on
earth he meant The man that calls mince
pie a little of everything used to keep a
restaurant himself, and I guess he knows
what he Is talking about Oh, this Is a
great business, and we have queer custo
mers and hear dishes designated by pecu
liar terms."
Then the chef went to All an order for
some "boarding-house mystery." Detroit
Free Press.
CAUSE FOR ENMITY.
Travers Goat Eats Tail Off Koop's
Fine Mare.
Henry Travers and Otto Koop, who live
a few doora away, have long been the
closest of friends. But now they never
speak as they pass by. and 'tis, all owing
to Travers' goat and Koop's long-tailed
bay mare.
The bay mare had a tail that reached
the ground and the goat an appetite that
was Indlscrlminatlng and only limited by
his ambulatory and reaching powers. But
the horse's tali. Instead of sweeping the
floor as of yore. Is now but a Jagged bunch
of hair, fully a foot and a half away
from the ground. The facts In the case
aTe somewhat hazy, but Mr. Koop says:
"My heart Is almost broken. Why, tho
tall of that horse was the best part of it
I wouldn't have taken $300 for that mare,
but now look at It! That confounded goat
of Travers had to come In here and chew
off its tail and disfigure the finest-looking
norse in xoieao. Why in heaven's name
didn't Travers feed his old billy goat so
that he would stay at home instead of
trespassing around chewing up horses'
tails. It's a blamed 6hame. and I'm eolnc
down town to see a lawyer friend of mine
ana see if I can't get damages. No, the
mare ain't much of a runner or trotter,
but you Just ought to have seen that tail.
I'll kick a lung out of that goat Jf I get
a chance."
"Kick a lung out of my goat will he?"
Indignantly snorted Mr. Travers when
told what Koop had said. "Just let him
try it. Damages? Fiddlesticks! How is
he to rue me? I didn't eat the tail. Why
doesn't he keep his stable door shut If he
is so particular?" Toledo News.
Couldn't See It in Same Light.
They haven't been married long, and
they are as loyalaod devoted a young
couple as ever made the confirmed bach
elor search for a new argument against
matrimony. She has pronounced and orig
inal Ideas upon domestic economy, and In
this and other ways she strives to make
her husband's home a perfect Utopia. Sho
is trying to teach him to forget that he
ever belonged to a club.
There was a love-lit smile upon her pret
ty face when hubby came home from the
office the other evening.
"What Is it, dear?" he asked, observing
the glow of enthusiasm that shone through
the soft, peach blown cheeks and spark
led In the Kohlnoor-llke eyes.
"I made 13 cents today," said she, and
her rosebud lips parted In a prideful curve.
"mat so, dear; how did that happen?"
"Why, I sold 9 cents worth of rags
and and 3 cents worth of bottles and
let me see"
"Yes, that's 12 cents. Where does the
other cent come In?"
"Oh, yes yes now I remember an old
pair of your trousers for the other pen
ny." No Napoleon of finance ever looked more
satisfied or smiled with so much self-complacency
after a successful monetary deal
as did this fair young wife when she had
related her little commercial accomplish
ment And she looked sorely grieved when
he smiled audibly. It was really the first
misunderstanding. Detroit Free Press.
His Clever Strategy.
The head of the household was late get
ting home. He was very late. It was
long past midnight. Indeed, the little
clock on the hall mantel had Just struck
3 o'clock when he came walking in. He
had been out with the boys, and his wife
reproached him.
"Why. It's early yet It's not late."
Just then the clock sounded one, two,
three.
The wife looked at him with grim re
buke. He caught her eye and jerked out
this reply:
"Well, now If you want to believe that
darned dollar-and-a-half clock before
your dear husband, it's all right"
It was a similar occasion, only more so.
At this time he was a little drunker than
usual. His step was unsteady, but he had I
not lost his courteous manners. She met I
him at the front weeping reproachfully.
"Oh, John," she pleaded, "what makes
you do this way?7
"You are hie so awfully pretty h!c,"
ho said, making an extravagant bow and
kissinjr her. "that I like to hie to e
.you double."
And she put him tenderly to bed, bathed
his forehead the next morning and forgot
about the scolding sho had fully deter
mined to administer to him. Missouri Ex
celiior. KIPLING'S APPREHENSIONS.
Fears That His Rcig? as Universal
Laureate Is Over.
Rudyard Kipling sat in his tent "with
his hands over his face, and' ever and anon
a half-suppressed sob shook his well-knit
frame. The commander of the Skinny
skill Lancers looked at him apprehen
sively several times, and then going over
to where the sublime bard sat placed a
hand tenderly upon his shoulder and
asked:
"What is the trouble? Has the publish
ing firm that was to pay you J18 a letter
for that poem you wrote last week gono
Into bankruptcy?"
"No, no," the InspJs-ed author of "The
vampire- ana "The JAbsent-MInded Beg
gar" replied, "it's not that, but I'm afraid
I'm slipping down from the pinnacle of
greatness,"
"What makes you think so?" the Colonel
asked.
"Well, here's something I wrote to bo
read at a little blowout the boys had last
night. Listen:
My bonnle Is over the ocean.
My bonnle is over the sea.
And I'd give a good deal to Just know that
My bonnle Is thinking of me.
"Well," said the soldier, "I don't know
why you should be so downcast over it
That's no worse than lots of the other
stuff you've written lately."
"I know It! I know It!" the poet re
plied, "but nevertheless, through it I am
forced into a realization that my reign
as the laureate of the earth must be at
an end. Nobody has sent It to America
by cable." Chicago Times-Herald.
HE NEVER CAME BACK.
"Would-Be Client "Wanted Father
Rather Than Son.
Tho legal lights were discussing disap
pointments with which they had mot and
this is the story one of them told:
"The greatest disappointment that I ever
met with happened at the beginning of my
career. I was young at the time, and In
clined to. hold my parents responsible for
the handicap which kept me from the fame
and glory that I thought was my due.
"My bright new shingle was somewhat
And Even the Moon Laughed
r .
"I am here, dearest!"
"Ah! my heart's best, we will fly together
to a far-off "
Afc
"No! On second thought, I win fly alone!"
s r . . f
"Darling, be brave! My arms await thee!"
"ttrW
.r(7f
:
weather-beaten, and my office desk had
two holes worn In It by my heels- before
my first client came.
"But came he did one day, cnarglng Into
my office like a m'ad bulL Glaring at me
and throwing down a roll of bills as large
as my fist he shouted:
" 1 want to see Mr. Blank!'
" 1 am Mr. Blank, I said, edging up
to the roll
" 'Good Lord, sonny, he roared, 1 want
to see your father, the lawyer.'
" I am Mr. Blank, the lawyer, I an
swered, with all tho dignity I could mus
ter. " Oh, Christmas!' he yelled, as he seized
his roll and put it in his pocket
" "What have I been retained on?" 1
asked, making a bluff at the roll.
"He stared at me a moment and then
said:
' 'See here, sonny, I've got an Important
engagement to meet. I'll bo back In an
hour. Here's your retainer, he added,
throwing down a quarter.
"But he never mace back. I was look
ing at my picture the other day, taken
about that time, and I cannot say that
I blame him." Detroit Free Pres3.
HE MADE HER TIRED.
New York Drummer Has an Expe
rience That Sets Him Thinking.
"Anything wrong?" asked tho hotel
clerk of the New York drummer, who
had Just got home from the West
"I was thinking," "was the reply. "I
rode from Toledo to Buffalo with the
prettiest girl I ever saw."
"But that didn't hurt you. Who was
she?"
"Can't tell."
"You didn't Introduce yourself and get
her card in return?"
"No."
"No particular trouble, eh?" solicitous
ly Insisted the clerk.
"Well, it was this way," replied the
traveler, as he braced up for the expla
nation. "She sat opposite me, you know,
and I tried for an hour to catch her
eye. She simply Ignored me and gazed
out of the window. Then I rose and
handed her a magazine, but she declined
with thanks. Ten minutes later I bought
the latest novel out but she said she
didn't care to read. Then I bought some
fruit, but she would accept none. She
also Ignored me when I tried to draw
her out on music"
"But you persisted?"
"Oh, yes. That Is, I was about to make
another attempt to enter into conversa
tion when the train came to a halt at a
town and the girl beckoned me over. I
was there In an Instant, and with the
sweetest smile you ever saw she asked
me if I would do her a slight favor."
"With all my heart," I hastened to say.
"Well," she said, smiling even more
sweetly, "suppose you leave the train
here and take the next one that follows,
for you have made me dead tired, and 1
feel like taking a nap."
"Good gracious," whispered the clerk.
"Yes, sir," said the drummer, a3 he
reached for a cigar, "and I want to go
up to my room and sit and think and try
and figure it out Perhaps it's time I
left fhe road and settled down at home."
Buffalo Courier.
Mixed in Transmission.
A Germantown girl who usually gets
things mixed, waa the victim of a hoax
one evening last week. "Here's a puzzle
for you to work out," said a friend of
hers, handing over a slip of paper, on
which appeared tho following, which she
said might bo translated Into a complete
sentence:
B. B. B. B. B. B. '
DEWEY.
624911
34863J.
973551
LIMBURGER CHEESE.
The Germantown girl puzzled over it for
some time, and finally gave It up. "Why,
it's easy," said her friends. "It reads:
'Sigsbee sent Dewey some Limburscr
cheese. " "Yes," said the victim, as she
scanned the lines again, "but where's the
'sent'?" "In the LImburger cheese," was
the reply.
Then everybody laughed, and the girl
who had been caught determined to have
her revenge. The next evening at the
dinner table she worked it on her broth
er. "I give it up," he said. "What's tho
answer?" "Oh, It's easy," said the girl.
"It reads: 'Sigsbee gave Dewey some
LImburger cheese. " "Where's the
'gave'?" asked the brother. "In the LIm
burger cheese," she shrieked. And she
wondered why nobody saw the Joke.
Philadelphia Record.
Evils of Good Advice.
"Say," said the man with the worried
look, "do you remember giving me a lot
of advice on how to conduct my love af
fairs about two months ago?"
"Yea," replied the man with the wise
expression.
"Told me If I wanted to win the girl I
should make live to her mother!"
"Uh-huh."
"Said If I could get the old lady on my
side all I had to do was to toddle around
with a ring and say "When? to the girl."
The wise man nodded.
"Said for me to compliment the mother
on her youthful appearance," continued
the worried man, "and give her a Jolly
about how sad It was that the young
ladles of the present day were not to be
compared with those of the past?"
"Yea, yes. You won the girl, I sup
pose?" "Yes I did not. The old lady has
sued her husband for divorce and me for
breach of promise." Baltimore American.
Unequal to Emergency.
One of the best stories that occurs to
me off-hand relates to a Jew who kept a
sort of combination pawnshop and second-hand
clothing store. One day he went
out and left the place in charge of his son.
When he came back he said: "Veil, Isaac,
how vas business ven I was oud?"
"Business vas goot. fader," the son said;
"ferry goot"
"Vat did you sell?"
"Nothings, but dot man wat buy de dla
mon' ring yesterday come back an' pawned
It"
"Und did you sell him somedings else?"
"No, fader, 'e look as If e vas too much
discouraged to buy anytlng."
"Und you call dot doing goot blzness? If
he look discouraged, vy not sell him a re
volver?" Life.
nis Denomination.
W. F. Cody had in onepf his companies
a Westerner, "Bronco Bill." A certain
missionary had Joined the aggregation to
look after the morals of the Indians.
TMnklngthat Bronco Bill would-bear a lit
tle looking after also, the good man se
cured a seat by his side at the dinner
table, and remarked, pleasantly: "This la
Mr. Bronco Bill, is it not?"
"Yaas."
"Where were you born?"
"Near Kit Buliard's mill on Big Pigeon."
"Religious parents, I suppose?"
"Yaas."
"What Is your denomination?"
"My what?"
"Your denomination?"
"O ah yaas. Smith and Wesson.'
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Her Toast.
There was a banquet given by a wom
an's association recently, where one of the
prominent members was made toastmas
ter. She was a bit puzzled at first about
her duties, and consulted her husband.
He told her the usual toasts that were
given at men's dinners, and after a mo
ment's thought she said. "You men always
have a toast to the ladles, don't you?"
"Yes." he replied, "we always drink to
the ladles, God bless 'em." She wrote a
line on her list of toasts and showed it
to him with a smile of triumph. It read,
"To the men, God help 'em."-Los Anselee
Times.
fi POETRY
Byrnes, tke Hastier.
Behold me.
Hymen, the Hurtler.
And Hltcher of Hearts.
Ever since Easter
Tve been working overtime,
And we're not half -way in sight
Of June, when the real rush
Of roses and rapture
Is turned on full;
Still I'm not going to strike
For shorter hours.
My advance agent
And business solicitor,
Cupid.
Has been & busy little god
All winter. "
And I've got to hustle
To keep up with his orders.
Tin the boss coupler
Of two souls with but a single thought.
And the way I can hook up
Two hearts that beat as due
ls & sight to behold.
I'm the best friend
And the most profitable partner
Of the florist.
The caterer.
The preacher.
The milliner.
The dressmaker.
The furniture dealer.
The real estate agent
And the Installment-plan man;
But do I get any of the rake-off T
Nary a nickel.
I ought to kick, I suppose.
But I don't.
My clients are all
So perfectly happy.
So ineffably blissful.
So supremely ecstatic.
And so infinitely pleased,
That I take It out in that.
And forget the gross, material profits
Which others get out of the business
Of Hymenlzlng.
I've had & rush like this
Every Spring since I began operations.
But I never get tired.
And the more I have to do
The better I like it
Plenty of kicks are coming.
Of course, '
But that's not my affair.
I give no guarantees.
And If people don't find goods
To be as represented.
It's no mix of' mine.
However, this Is my busy day.
And there are forty-seven calls for mo
This very minute.
Anything I can do for yout
No?
Sorry.
So long; ,
See you later.
W. J. L. in Now York Sua.
The Boss.
I am the boss!
In the hollow
Of my hand
I hold the key to the machinery that runs
The state.
Some fools still swallow
The story that this
Great
Country Is partly theirs
And
That they have the privilege
Of helping to shape affairs.
That makes me
Laugh!
The majority rules, and I
Constitute one more than
Half.
Those that lick my
Boots with proper regularity
Are sometimes let In
With me
On the good things that
I make free
To parcel out as I please.
The rest
Might as well live over seas
In Russia. There
They would havo Just as great a share
In directing how
Things must be run
As
They have now! t w4
Two-flfths of the
People here are fools;
One-fifth are rogues;
These three
Fifths are always for me
They're my
Tools.
See?
Tell with the other two
Fifths who
Hare sense enough to seel
They can't help themselves.
And when
Election day
Comes along they'll step up and vote
For my straw men.
Anyway.
In the meantime I stand
Around the corner, and
Excuse me while
I smllo. Chicago Times-Herald.
Scoutl Scoutt Scoutt
They tell one Rudyard Kipling's at the front!
(Who told you so? Oh, I don't know.)
To hear the song of battle's bloody brunt.
(Why, that's a bloomln go!
Yer don't say eo.)
And In his absence on the firing line
I'm going to steal his thunder Just one time
And shout a word of warning In a rhyme.
Scout! Scout! Scout!
(There ain't no Boers about!)
Do you think they're going to shout:
"This way!"?
You're In khaki, I've no doubt.
And your heart Is good and stout,
Bu: you certainly must scout.
Tommy A
When you're marching In the morning.
Tommy A..
(The afternoon or evening or at night)
You absent-minded beggar. It will pay
To scout a bit when there's no Boers In eight.
And In his seeming absence don't get gay
And think that fighting Boers Is Just fool's
play.
They may be dead (but hardly turned to clay),
So
Scout! Scout! Scout!
fThere ain't no Boers about!)
Do you think they're going to shout:
"This way!"?
You're In khaki. I've no doubt.
And your heart Is good and stout.
But you certainly must scout.
Tommy A.
Before your poet sailed to be with you
(Which year of crime? Why. Jubilee time.)
He wrote a thing, and what I say Is true.
It held a warning. Tommy, that's sublime:
"Lest you forget" that God Is still above.
"Lest you forget" the greatest thing Is love.
The number of your mess, and when to shove.
You'd better learn to
Scout! Scout! Scout!
(There ain't no Boers about!)
Do you think they're going to about:
This way!"?
You're In khaki, Tve no doubt.
And your heart Is good and stout.
But you certainly must scout.
Tommy A.
Wilfrid North. In New York Preosu
Porto Rico.
He's Jes' a little feller, he's been growin' kind
o' wild.
An It seems to mo we orter treat im gentle
like an' mild.
An' Jolly him along a bit an' help Mm make
his way.
An' not keep hollerln at Mm, "Come an' pay!
pay! pay!"
He's jes' a little feller, with a stout an' wlllln'
heart.
An' he's, sure to prove a winntr if ho gits a
proper start.
So remember when you're countln' up the
wealth at your command.
He's Jes' a little feller an' he needs a helpln'
hand. ''
He had an Invitation sent by these United
States,
It ain't quite light to leave Mm hangln' wistful
at the gates;
We stated from the flrst he couldn't hoe hl
row alone
Ie's do the thing up proper an' adopt Mm as
our own.
We've helped Mm In misfortune an he's grate
ful fur the same.
An some day he'll grow up an mora than
satisfy the claim;
So fur the present why not take a kind an
generous stand?
He's Jes & lltUo feller an heneeds a helpln'
hand,
-" Washington Star.
Tie Atklasoa Band.
With an oomplty-roum and flah tah-rah, it's
head o the march to the speaker's stand.
CTls & dull campaign in the State of Maine
that doesn't enlist the Atkinson Band.)
Maior In bearskin, and stiffen than utiLrrfc!
Knees like a thoroughbred he's the kind!
And the campaign orators ride behind.
Thus poum-tah-roum, to the speaker's stand.
Led by the Atkinson IMU Brass Band.
Cadaverous man with a puckery face
Is wheoflng with gulps in the cavernous bass.
Whose brass convolutions encompass hha
round.
Apparently crushing him Into the ground.
While humor of Circumstance, tootle-te-tcot.
A giant beside him Is playing the flute.
A slab-sided fellow as lank as a bono
Is the bellows attached to the big barytone.
While a fat clarinetist yl-yoondles away
On the slim little reed he's elected to play.
One's forced to conclude that the vent is too
small.
For he huffs and he swells in a way to appall.
He has an abdomen as round's a balloon
But with cheeks llko a bladder just screaks at
the tune.
A tall man and short man are playing trom
bones. But It seems that their shapes make no odds la
their tones.
And the short fellow swallows as much of tha
tube
As Is poked out of sight by the long-geared)
rube.
The cometlst Jams his refractory lip.
And the snare drummer limps with his drum oa
his hip.
He's the Atkinson blacksmith with muscle
like yew.
Stands six In his stockings Is big " 'cordln
to."
And trallln' behind comes a Hop o 'my Thumb
A ten year-old shaver who beats tho bass
drum.
Yes. oddly assorted, but pray understand
'Tls Music that rules In tho Atkinson Band.
Bizarre In their put-up and marching, but
say!
They're kings of the pike when they start la to
play.
Then It's tri-tah-lah and boum-tah-roum! Tha
people are flocking from every hand.
We're sure of a rout when the posters come
out: "A concert at 8 by the Atkinson,
Band.")
AH hands round In a hollow square
And 'ray for the music that keeps thena
there!
For tho hide grows hot on the big bass drum
Ere pompously forth the orators come;
Then, poum-tah-roum to the speaker's stand,
Led by the Atkinson Full Brass Band.
Lewiston Evening Journal.
Xlttle "Bobs on Little Men.
I'm not so very lengthy up and down.
And I'm not so very ponderous of girth
Just a slender little fellow, whose renown
Is ringing In all corners of the earth!
There was little Nelson who
Had some ginger In him. too.
And little Nap who ripped things right and
left;
So there's no use telling me
That the biggest man Is he
Who can file a claim to greatest height or
heft.
I have to climb upon a box before
I can get a leg across my cHamplng steed;
I am five feet high and Just a little more.
But still I'm quite a man, I am. Indeed I
There was Little Phil and Grant.
Both Inclined to be but scant.
There was Farragut. a little fellow, toot
Oh. the giant Is all right
Till the time arrives to fight.
Then the little soldier shows what he can dot
I'm a bundle of gray matter and of grit.
You can throw me down and sit on me, per
haps;
But I've let the people know that I am "it"
And the loudest cheers are not for taller
chaps!
O, Alexander, he
Was about the size of me.
And Wellington was not bo very tall.
Meat has value In Its way.
But It Isn't safe to say
That the men are always little who are small I
They take me to the Boys' department whea
I need a pair of trousers or a hat;
But In the field I'm numbered with the men.
And my name Is first upon the roll at that!
Thero was David, long ago.
Did a Job which went to show
That the little man. is not to be despised.
And I rather think that I
Make It needless to deny
That a man Is small because he's under sized.
When the women talk to me they have to stoop.
Because I'm only five feet and a few;
But It's not the biggest rooster in the coop'
That rules the .roost or has the broadest
view!
Caesar's girth was not so great.
He was Just a feather-weight,
But he slashed around to some extent in Gaul!
And perhaps you'll not agree.
Yet It somehow seems to me
That the little men are biggest after all.
S. E. Kiser.
Khaki for the Million.
Since khaki has proved such an excellent dress
For our brethren to march and to fight In.
Pray, why shouldn't we who are not at th
front
Its advantages likewise delight in?
Its wearers are all of them loud In Its prals.
Not a voice can be heard to abuse It,
Then, why In the name of the comfort w
seek.
Shouldn't we be permitted to use It?
For many of us, though noncombatants called.
Are surely engaged with persistence
In fighting that fight, dally growing mors
fierce.
Which has now to be fought for existence.
And how can we hope to a triumph obtain.
Or complain that Fate doesn't supply one,
When we go through the fray in a padded!
frock coat.
And a hat which perforce is a high one?
Too long we have groaned 'neath the burden
we bear.
Content to be mere Idle rallers;
Too long we have hugged our sartorial bonds.
The Impotent slaves of our tailors;
But now for the changing of words Into deeds
Of time this Is surely the true nick.
So, Instead of the trews, let us put on puttees.
And replace the frock coat with the tunic!
So down with the hat that Is heavy and hard.
Of our comfort the long-endured balker!
And up with the shape that Implies the most
ease
Be It helmet, or cap, or deer-stalker!
Tls In war time, we know, that men oft over
turn What has been a revered Institution,
Let us not. then, delay If we mean to achieve
The long-desired "Uress-revolutlont
In those places where Londoners chiefly resort
There are rumors persistently floating
Which report that a club has already been
formed
For the wearing of khaki promoting.
Be this as It may. If we wish to get rid
Of the garb which Is merely tor show meant.
If for freedom in khaki we mean to go in.
Why, this Is the psychical moment!
London Truth.
Great Schemes.
I'm going to write great poems some day.
Exactly when I will not say.
Just now some things are in the way;
I'll begin well, a week from Tuesday.
There are pictures, too, I mean to paint;
My plans, as yet. are a little faint.
But my notions are really new and quaint,
As you'll see & week from Wednesday,
A drama great I have In mind.
As soon as I a plot can And,
Striking, original, refined.
Perhaps f. week from Thursday.
I hope to form a stock concern,
Enormous dividends I'll earn, . -
Till coupon bonds I have "to burn,
About a year from Friday.
Or. no I'll Just Invent a toy.
Some simple glmcrack to give Joy
To each enraptured girl or boy
I'll work on that next Saturday.
I can't decldo which scheme to choose, t
Each Idea seems too good to lose;
Meanwhile I'll take my Sunday snooze
Tomorrow's only Monday.
Tudor Jenks in Woman's Homo Compaalci.
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