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THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN. PORTLAND, APRIL 29, 1000.
29
mfj humor &sm
Illril and Man.
The emiy bird mar catch the worn
All right, all right, but eay.
Have j-c-u noticed that th man who gets
TO work about midday
Who opens up hla desk alone
About half after 10
Ii the one who carries home the most
Of that which daxilet men.
Times-Herald.
TAW" IN A SERIOUS FIX
He and "Man" and "Geors-le" and
the "Popp" Go House-Hunting,
"With Unsatisfactory Results.
Paw and Maw were Hunten houses
neerly all last weak and they are a look
In paw's Eyes that makes You think he
.expects something- mite Happen almost
Enny time before he could notua It. I
went along a Fue times becoz Annt Grace
sed she would stay with Little albert and
the baby, but she told us she wouldn't
have the pupp around Becoz she didn't
Beleave ho was to be Trusted Enny more
Than a thurtty poleasman In the Kitchen
when they were Things to Drink In the
Ice box. So last Thursday me and the
pupp went along Becoz paw Got home erly
In the Afternoon. Maw told paw about a
House she saw the Day before where
they was sunshine In Every room. After
we Rung the Door bell neerly Half a nour
they was a hired girl Come to the Door
and Told us we Couldn't "get In becoz
the lady wasn't at home.
"When'll she be Here?" paw ast.
The girl Sed she Didn't no, and paw got
To talken about the House, and they
Didn't see the pupp when he Scooted past
the girl and got Inside. I didn't want to
Say ennythlng about It Becoz paw told
me occe that It was Bad manners to In
terrupt when Grown peepie are Tawken.
In about a Minute and a Half we herd a
Scream up stares and prltty soon the
Lady of the House Came down with the
Baby m her arms, but not becoz she
"Wanted to show us the sunshine in Every
room.
That Terrible Dos;.
"Take that turrable Dawg out of here,"
she says, and me and paw went up See If
the pupp would LIssen to reason. Maw
and the lady went In a Back room and
Waited and paw ran In Whare the pupp
was and started to kick him out, but the
Pupp got under the bed and Backed up
In the corner Whare he Could think about
It without getting his thots upset. Paw
knelt down on his nees and Elbows and
trlde to coax the pupp out, but It wasn't
Enny use. The pupp humped up In the
Corner and Looked distrustful. Then
paw Crep under the Bed eo only His Lalgs
stuck out. and was agoing to Drag the
pupp Out by the throte.
In aoout a half a Second after that paw
was hollering for help and the pupp was
making quite a Fuss, too. The man that
lived Thare got home while the trubble
was Going on and Came up Stares without
asten enny questions. When he Saw
paw's Feat sticking Out frum under the
bed and herd the Backet he didn't seem
to no whether he better Stay and Try to
find Out what was goln on or not. Then
maw came runnui in and Grabbed paw
by one lalg but that didn't seem to make
the man understand it enny better Than
he did before.
Maw pulled at one foot and I cot hold of
the Other, but we couldn't budge paw, so
after while the man we were vlsltun took
hold of the, Bed and pushed it Over to the
other side of the Room. That left paw
the pupp Out where we Could get at
The pupp had a Holt of paw's
Cote coller and wouldn't let go Becoz he
was a Bull Dawg, and the man says:
Water la Tried.
"Watefll make him. quit. That's the
only way to make a Bull dafwg give up."
So he got a pitcher Full of water and
poured it on paw and got a Little on the
pupp, too, and prltty soon paw Got up and
says:
"Gimme a Towell!"
The man handed paw a. Towull and paw
wiped the Water out of his ears and Eyes
and kicked the pupp down stairs. Then
the man says:
"Of corse I 'spose it's all rite, but If you
Have time now I wusht you'd tell me
what all this means."
"We herd you had sunshine In Every
room here," maw told him, "and we that
We'd come to see About It."
"Well." the man says. "If I was Looken
for sunshine I don't think I'd hunt under
the Bed for It till I was prltty sure It
Couldn't be ennywhare else."
Paw referwsed to argew about It, and on
the Way home I says to maw:
"It's a good thing We took the pupp
along or we mltent of Got in the house
a Tall, mite we?" Georgie In Chicago
Times-Herald.
JERRY BOUGHT THE BRICK.
And It Was Worth ftTSOO and Didn't
Coat Htm a Cent.
Jeremiah Harding lives on the West
Side with several hundred thousand other
people: doesn't pretend to be smart, is
law-abiding, but has never been indicted
for It, and yet he practically sold a conti
nence man his own gold brick.
Jerry doesn't need any pointers in
transactions where money is one of the
active Ingredients, for he came by them
naturally, but the confidence man didn't
know It In some way the latter learned
the dimensions of Mr. Harding's deposit
at the bank, and, after careful calcula
tions with a range-Under, tbougnt tne
transfer to his own depleted hoard as
good as made.
. Because of his failure to take Jeremiah
flnto his confidence, however, this brick
layer slipped an eccentric, lost the cher
ished brick which had so often lain long.
green eggs, plunged his family into grief
and woe. had to move at night into a
cheaper flat, forfeited his social and bust,
ness standing, and was relegated to tne
"sucker" class.
When a business-like, although clerical
looking, middle-aged man, neatly dressed,
called upon Jerry at his grocery on
Wednesday last, soliciting money for the.
Society for the Propagation of Menda
cious Peripatetics, Jerry warmed to him
at once, promised to think it over, hn
him stay to the noon dinner, and trotted
out tho hard cider.
Smelled a Rat.
Now, Jerry rather smelled a rat, al
though his conscience hurt him for mis
trusting the eloquent missionary, but it
recovered from the attack when the vis
itor, after handing out lots of informa
tion about Cape Nome, where Arctic,
oceans come from, said his brother had
sent him several thousand dollars' wortn
of gold dust, which he had transformed
Into a paralleloplped, but, needing cash,
desired Jeremiah, as a business man, to
advise him.
"Sell the thing to a circus." said Jerry.
The stranger threw a pitying smile upon
his host, and then explained that the gold
Jiad been cast Into a brick-shaped mass,
adding: "There's "S7S00 worth of gold in
It. but I'll take "5200 ready money," Just
the magnitude of Jerry's bank deposit.
It was a strange coincidence.
Jeremiah asked to see the brick, but it
was down town; he would not care to en
danger its safety by lugging It around,
nor would he ask Jerry to buy. Perhaps
some bank was In need of It.
"I can have it tested, I supposer in
quired the groccryman.
"Certainly," responded the missionary:
"we'll go to the Government assay ottlce
and It will bo tried by the assayer In your
presence."
So Jeremiah agreed to meet the mission
ary at the bank Thursday morning, and
both were on time, the stranger with tho
brick In a satchel large enough to accom
modate a hodload. Jerry caught on to
this at once, said nothing, drew $5200 In
10 $500 and two 100 bills, stuffed them
carelessly Into his pocket, took a chew of
black tobacco and then left the bank with
the missionary.
Tm Hirry, but the Government assayer
is out of town: shall we wait till he gets
back?" remarked the missionary, apolo
getically. No, It made no difference to Jerry; any
assayer his friend recommended would
do, at which reply the missionary could
have killed Jerry for not having $100,000
with him, and looked upon the grocery
man as a swindler for possessing but a
paltry 200.
Jerry Pockets the Brick.
The brick was tested at a Jeweler's, and
being pronounced pure In heart and of
good financial standing, Jerry, putting It
in his pocket, accompanied the mission
ary to a Van Buren-Street hotel to com
plete the transaction. It was evident the
good man was disturbed, and he hinted
two or three times regarding the danger
of carrying so precious a burden In one's
clothes, but Jerry merely remarked, "I'd
like to see some one take this from me.
If he does, he can have It."
It was rather queer that the religious
man's room smelled of smoke and liquor,
but Jerry said nothing. The missionary
stood aside to let Jerry enter first, but
the latter pushed the other ahead and
Into the apartment, and, merely crossing
the threshold, with the open door at his
back, the groceryman drew his money
from his pocket and thrust the roll Into,
the crook's hand.
"Nit." shouted the confidence man, quite
unclerlcally. "Come here, Jim."
The missionary, dropping the satchel,
was about to reach for a revolver, when
he found a glistening barrel shoved under
his nose. He could see all the constella.
tlons through It. for it was apparently the
size of the Yerkes telescope. The hand of
the man behind the gun didn't tremble a
bit.
Obedient to call the confederate emerged
from behind a curtain in the dark corner
of the room, and, running forward, was
about to rush Jerry, when the latter coolly
remarked; "I'lliklll the missionary If you
move an Inch further, and then I'll kill
you. I won't even let you chango brlcka
on me."
This was no theater play, and the con
fldence men realized It, and- as Jerry
backed out of the door, they glared and
used extracts from South Clark-street
conversation never resorted to In renned
or polite circles. Jerry locked the brick,
which was really worth 17500, In a safety
deposit vault.
When the missionary counted over the
bills Jerry had given him, he found they
were built of stage money, for the gro
ceryman had fixed it with the paying ter
ler of the bank. Chicago Tribune.
IWRULY CHURCH ORGAKS.
One, an Orchestrion, Had to Be Cart
ed to the Graveyard.
Half a dozen preachers were standing
in a group in the Methodist Book Con
cern telling stories the other day. when the
Rev. S. L. Baldwin, recording secretary
of the Missionary Society, Joined them.
In the course of a Sunday evening service
in a church of which he was pastor two
keys of the organ got out of order, and
became fastened down in such a manner
that they could not be raised. To make
the situation more serious, it was found
impossible to shut off the power that kept
the bellows supplied. At this Juncture
somebody was sent down in the cellar to
disconnect something there that would
give relief from the distress, but as the
two mutinous keys were next each otner,
the discord made the time seem an age be-
joro siience was restored. When Dr.
Baldwin was asked what he did in that
emergency, he said be waited until thi
organ finished its voluntary and then
proceeded with the services.
"That." said the Rev. Dr. James M.
Buckley, "reminds me of another unruly
church organ, only In this Instance It was
not an organ, but on orchestrion. This
did not require the services of a player,
all that was needed being a man to wind
the thing with a big crank, much as you
would a two-story clock. After that was
done it was good' to furnish 100 tunes of
five stanza each without any attention
after the machine began to grind out mu
sic "Well, this particular church raked and
scraped enough money to buy one or
these, and It was set up in a commanding
position, tn all the glory of Its Imitation
pipes, fancy woodwork and blue and gold
adornments. Then, with much solemnity
regardless of the fact that no one under
stood the machine at all. the church deal,
cated It. It was wound up as far aa it
would go and began to play what It was
thought would be music for the opening
hymn, but It was not that kind of a ma
chine. In fact. It generously went on and
played every one of those 100 blessed tunas.
"It was good music, but the minister
wanted It to stop, and he waited a walla J
Impatiently In the hope that It would.
But it didn't, so an attempt was made to
stifle it with plugs in various parts of its
anatomy. Still the thtlng played on. run
ning from 'Coronation to 'Jesus, Lover of
My Soul," and "Greenland's Icy Moun
tains' with appalling celerity and ease.
Everybody was aghast, and renewed ef
forts were made to choke off the thing,
which seemed to be alive and out for a
good time. Pieces of carpets and eld
books were fed to it without stint through
Its many mouths, but it kept right on
playing as if hungry for more.
"Just as it began on 'Blest Be the Tie
That Binds,' several strong brethren seized
It and, after partially smothering Its cries
and groans with cloths, took It out doors
and into the graveyard In the rear of the
church. There they set It down In the
EGG-SHELL CARICATURES OF
Evans.
shade of some tall monuments, still play
ing and occasionally relieving Itself of a
resounding snort that fairly snook the
tombstones. With much poorly suppressed
tittering the services went on. but occa
sionally as the rebel machine reached soma
high notes or swelling passages the sounds
would penetrate the church, and this con
tinued until the music-box ran down atter
playing the 'Doxology.'" New York
Press.
MO EARLY WORM FOR HIM.
Why M'alen Prorancher Lost Faith
In an Old Maxim.
M'sleu Provancher was Just fixing the
feedbags on the nose of his horses down
In Haymarket Square.
"Out." said he. "I ban hire wit dat od
der man what ain't M'sleu Joejacksong up
cross where de Pelletlers ban use leeve
dey don' leeve dar now. Ba gart I ban
forget dat man's name. Dls be two day I
work for she. Her fus' r-r-at man, too.
Good man. Wan dem kin wat geet up
var airly and deeg in heem toenails all
day. He say to me fus' dat day I work
for heem: "Nappoleong, de man what geet
up hearly dat man he ban de wan to geet
de dollalre. P'rap yo' don" know 'bout
dat hearly bird dat catch dat wam. Hey?'
" "Hah-h-h!" say I 'hah, yo' bat ma life
I was know 'bout dat t'lng. I don't fink
dat ban true all tam 'bout what nice t'lng
dat be to be hearly bird.
" 'Now wan tam my broder Joe. he geet
up hearly wan mornln' to go to hees work.
He work on de Webster Mill and cot do
slab. Wal, when be ban walk along de
ro'd all to once, hah, he see nice, great,
beeg, fat wa'm. Wal. he say, "P'rap I'm
prat' looky dls momln', eh! When wan
hearly bird catch de wa'm he's ban looky
to go feesh. Ba gar! I gass I go feesh for
de ton. Yo bat ma life I don' work when
I ban so looky."
" 'So he go back to de house and he geet
hees feesh hok and feesh line and hees
feesh pole and he go out dat Tayleur pon',
and he tak' dat nice, gre't, beeg. fat
wa'm and he heetch heem on de hook and
dar he feesh and he feesh. An' fust t'lng
he know 'bout he have wan gre't bite
bite. Now he was ban stan' on sleepery
log, and when he geet dat bite he Jomp,
an ah, ba gar! down he go sloppo. Ah,
dat poor broder Joe, b geet drown. Dat
r-r-at! He was drown.
" 'Wal', yo" see what he" los". He was
yong man only twenty-free. So he los'
wan halat his life. He los' heem dat
wan feesh line, dat wan feesh hook, dat
feesh pole. He los' heem dat beeg feesh
dat weigh fo'r poun', He los betm wan
nerrej'. Philip.
Slgabee. Sampson.
nice pair rubber boot. He los'.his Job on
de Webster Mill for cot de slab. He los'
wan day's pay, which ban wan dollslre
feefty cent. He los' hees wife, for he
ban go geet married ntx wlx.
" 'My moder she lot ma broder Joe and
I hat for loaf two day for gon hees funer
al.' "Dat Wat my broder Joa geet ba catch
dat hearty wa'm. Ba gar! I say to
Msleu wat de sacra be dat fellaire's
nam' wal. eet mak no deef any way
I say to heem dat I drive hees hoss and
I cot hees wood and I do de chore, but
by cr-r-lpe, I so go out to catch dat hearly
wa'm eef he glf me twenty-five cent more
on wan day." Lewlston Journal.
HIS COXFIDEKT JCAXHER.
Ooald Hare Bad the Host If He'd
Asked for It.
"Take a look at that man." The head
of the house had Just returned from the
kitchen and was talking to an old friend
whom he had left In the library. "Notice
his carriage; head well back, step firm,
shoulders squared and his whole air sug
gestive of Important business. They Just
called me to see him. As a result he has
a half dollar of my money, a hat and an
overcoat that Is yet good for a season or
two."
'Told a sad story, I supposer'
"Not specially sad. but. It's his whole
manner. He has the composite spirit of
the warrior, philosopher and man of the
world. It Is not one man In 30 that gets
better than a curt dismissal from the
woman in the kitchen. She declares that
she can tell from a knock what kind of a
man is giving 1L If It be nervous, timid
or vacillating, 'rtammery," as she calls it,
the applicant Is sent about his business
before he can get his breath. All the
servants turn up their noses when they
hear that weak and fluttering request for
admission.
"But this fellow swung around to the
rear as though he was going to storm the
castle, gave a bold, audacious knock as If
with the hilt of a sword, stepped Inside as
the door opened and asked In a com
manding voice It the man of the house
was at home. 'Don't disturb him till I
get warm,' and he pulled a chair to the
I side of the range, put his miserably shod
feet Into the oven and asked It he could
OUR NAVAL COMMANDERS.
Schley.
glance over the morning paper. The pie
smelled like the pie he used to get at
home, and they gave him a generous sec
tion to sample. He praised the roast till
he got a slice, told the cook that she ought
to set up as an exclusive caterer and then
asked for me. He did not whine or cringe,
but talked Just like a solid business man,
looked me straight tn the eyes and cap
tured the goods and chattels I've men
tioned. That chap knows the world and
can live easier without work than you or
I can with It." Detroit Free Press.
ONE OX THE HORSE EDITOR.
I There Were Some Things on Which
He Wai Not Posted.
The horse editor was entertaining, or
rather being entertained by, a gentleman
of considerable manner and a desire to air
his knowledge, most of which was about
subjects of more or less literary charac
ter, seeing that he was calling In a news
paper office. The horse editor was pleased
and at Intervals looked over toward the
literary editor, who occupied a desk In the
far corner, as much as to say, "Get on to
the action of the kind of people I mix
with.
The literary editor wasn't showing any
sign, but he heard the talk over at the
horse editor's desk.
"I think." said the visitor, "that litera
ture Is the finest thing on earth, and I'd
rather be a great writer than to own a
bank. When Whlttler wrote:
Lire la real, life la earnest.
And the crave Is not lta coal:
Dust thou art to dust retumest
Waa not written of the soul.
he preached a sermon equal to the best
of the chaps that hang around the pulpits
in high-class churches. And how close to
the center Longfellow hit when he said:
Laugh and the world laucha with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
Oh, I'm telling you that literature can
win every time, hands down."
There was a great deal more of the
same sort, and when the visitor departed,
the horse editor came over to the literary
editor.
"There's a smart fellow for you," he
eald with pride.
"He didn't seem to be very much for
me," replied the literary editor. "You had
him corralled."
"But you heard him talking. What do
you think of hlnj?"
"What would you think of a man who
would come In here and tell me that Maud
S. had run a mile in two eight and a quar
ter to a high sulky and Salvator had trot
ter in one thirty-nine?"
"I'd think h, was a blamed chump."
said the horse editor, with confidence 'not
unmlngled with disgust.
"That's the difference' between you and
me," said the literary editor.
The horse editor had a conference that
evening with his wife, and the next day
he asked the literary editor to come out
and have a drink. Washington Star.
"PROGRAM" OR "PROGRAMME r
Usher's Interference Pats Stop to
Impending Battle.
As the orchestra finished the last note
of the ragtlmo medley, the girt in the
plush coat touched the girl In the lace
bodlco on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, but would you please let
me glance over your programme? I for
got to take cne as I came In."
"Beg pardon!" exclaimed the girl in the
lace bodice,
"I say would you let me take your pro
gramme? I forgot to take one as I came
in."
"My which?"
"Your programme."
"Really, you do not call this a pro
gramme." "Nor
"Of course not."
. "Well, what do you call ltr
"A program. P-r-o-g-r-a-m!"
"Indeed! Well, I don't mind telling you
that I call It a programme. P-r-o-g-r-a-m-in-e!"
"Then your pronunciation Is decidedly
Incorrect. It's a pity how ungrammatlcal
some people are."
"How Is that?"
"I say It's a pity how ungrammatlcal we
get at times."
"But there Is nothing ungrammatlcal
about it. Read those bold letters on the
cover of your programme. Does It read
P-r-o-g-r-a-m? Of course It doesn't."
"Well, you know the man that printed
that may not have the advantages of high
enlightenment."
"No; and I suppose he never went to
the Chicago University, el "
Just then an usher terminated the con
troversy rather suddenly.
"Ladles, permit me to say that If you
will only adjourn until the fall of the
curtain the audience will be able to pay
more attention to your Interesting discus
sion." Chicago News.
THAT DREADFUL BETTOX.
He Wanted the Doctor, and
He
Wanted Htm Quick.
"Martha," asked Mr. Fraley. appealing-
ly. "didn't I give you that shoe button I
was going to ask you to sew on my shoe?"
"Why, no, Isaac, this Is the first I've
heard of It," replied his wife.
"Well, It's blamed funny what's become
of It," said Mr. Fraley, rumlnaUvely. "I
can't find It anywheres, and I know I
laid It right here on the bureau beside"
Ho stopped suddenly with a gurgling
gasp, and, to his wife's consternation
clutched the front of his vest vehemently
with both hands, while his face worked
convulsively and the great beads of sweat
rolled down his forehead.
"Why, Issac, what on earth Is the mat
ter?" cried Mrs. Fraley. In wild alarm.
."Run for a doctor. Quick, quick. Mar
tha, run for a doctor!" howled Mr. Fraley.
"But what Is it? Oh, what Is the mat
ter?" cried Mrs. Fraley. wildly wringing
her hands.
"Don't stand there Jabbering like a pet
rifled parrot. Martha." Implored Mr. Fra
ley. "If you want to save my life, get a
doctor, and get him quick!"
"Yes. yes. At once. Right away. But
what is it. Isaac?" cried Mrs. Fraley.
dashing here and there about the room
and snatching up one article, of clothing
only to abandon it Immediately for some
other.
"Why, I know what's become of that
shoe button," moaned Mr. Fraley, plteous
ly. "I laid it right here beside my pill,
and I know I took It Instead, for here's
tho pill left" Philadelphia Inquirer.
Didn't Want 'Era, Anyway.
"I want soma frogs' legs, please," said
a young woman In a Filbert-street gamo
market yesterday morning. "Want 'em
Oliver' asked the man, brusquely.
"Mercy! no!" exclaimed the young wom
an. "We'll kill 'em for you while you
wait, it you want 'em," continued tho
dealer. "Let me show you, anyhow."
He led her to tho rear of the establish
ment and there were the frogs hopping
about In a damp cage. "How much are
they?" asked the young woman, shud
dering. "Two dollars a dozen." was the
reply. "Gracious! I'm not a millionaire.
I never paid anything like that before."
said the fair marketer. "But you never
got 'em alive before." explained tho man.
"Wo can give you all you want from
cold storage. That's the kind you would
get In a restaurant or hotel. I'll show
them to you."
The young woman's only comment was
that they looked as though they had been
dead a. long time, and ought to be burled.
"I guess I won't take any frogs legs
today," she said. Then she compromised
on catfish. Philadelphia Record.
Corn In Kanaaa.
An Easterner traveling through Kansas
recently heard a great many tall corn
stories and thought he would tell some
of them In a letter home. This was how
he did It:
"Most of the streets are paved, the
grains of com being used for coblestones,
while, the cobs are hollowed out and used
for sewer pipe. The husk when taken
oft whole and stood on end makes a nice
tent for the children to play In. It sounds
queer to hear the feed man toll the driver
to take a dozen grains of horse feed over
to Jackson's livery stable.
"If It were not for soft, deep soil here
T don't 8M hAW thoV V.r wnuM turn...
.- . rf ...... .wut. uv. im
the corn, as the stalks would grow up In
me air as nign aa a juetnodlst Church
steeple. However, when the ears get too
heavy their weight presses the stalk down
In the ground on an average of 9J feet;
this brings th ear near enough to the
ground to be chopped oft with an ax.
Collier's Weekly.
"Xorr You're Talkln't"
" 'E comes up to me," said the Regu
lar, "an 'e sez to me, sez 'e. 'Look 'ere,
me man, where can I find your Sergeant
Majorr I looks at 'lm. on' I sez, 'Wot
are you?' sez I. 'E sez. 'I'm a City Im
p'rlal Volunteer,' sez 'e, 'O!' sez I. 'Yus,'
sez 'e. 'Yus, sez I, 'you're a Volunteer
an' I'm a RegMar," I sez. 'an-' you ain't
goln" to lord it over me.' I sez. 'with yer
"me man," I sez, 'don't you forget it. I
didn't get no freedom of the City,' I sez,
'the only thing the Lord Mayor ever.-glv'
me.' I sez. 'was 11 days for furous driv
ln',' I sez, 'wasn't entertained at tea,'
I acz, 'by all the dooks and earls of Lon
don." I sez. 'I wasn't 'ugged an" kissed
as I walked along the street,' I sec 'but
I'm a bloomln prlvlt an' so are you. mo
lad.' 'Yus,' sez 'e. 'an' dam proud of
It,' sez 'e. 'So am I." sez I. 'Well, coma
on' 'ave a drink." sex e. 'Right you are.'
sez I, "now you're talkln'!" London
News.
Hoir to Choose Turkeys.
"You have some fine turkeys this
morning," said the schoolmaster to the
poulterer.
"Yes. sir; all fresh from Norfolk today."
"What Is the price?"
"You can take your choice, air; T htn
them at all prices."
"Well. I want to give my boys a. treat.
But I don't wont them too tender. There
are a dozen here. Pick out four or thn
toughest."
The poulterer "obeyed. "There, sir; you
have four of the toughest birds In mv
shop."
"Thank you." said the schoolmaster.
Til take the other elrht WooVIv t.i.
graph, .. ,.
EW. POETRYT
A Dane at the Raaea.
From every point they gaily coma; the broncos
unabod feet
Pat at the green aod of the range with quick
emphatic beat;
The tresses of the buxom girls) aa basnet
stream behind
Like silken castigating whips cut at the sweep
ing wind.
The dashing cowboys, brown of face, alt In
their saddle thrones
And sing the wild aoncs of the ranee In free
uncultured tones.
Or ride beatde the pretty girls, like gallant
cavaliers.
And pour the usual fairy tales Into their
listening ears.
Within the "best room" of the ranch the
Jolly gathered throng
Buss like a swarm of human bets and lade
the air with aonc; .
The maidens tap their mreetest smiles and
tire their tongues full rein
In efforts to entrap the boyv In admlratloa'a
chain.
The tiddler tunes the atrlncai with pick of
I thumb and scrape of bow.
Finds one strtnr keyed a note too high, an
other keyed too low;
Then roetna up the tlcht-drawn hair, the
young folks In a fret
Until their ears are erected with the warn
ing words: "All set!"
8lute yer partners! Let er cot
Balance all an' dose-do!
Swing yer stria an run away!
Itlrht an' left an' rents caabay!
Oents to right an" awing or cheat!
On to next gal an repeat!
Balance next an don't be any!
Bwtng yer part, an swing her high!
Bunch the rats an' circle 'round!
Whack yer feet ontll they bound!
Form a basket! Break awayi
Bwlns an' kiss an' all sit r&yt
Al'man left an' balance all!
Lift yer hoofs an let 'em fall!
Swing yer op'sltesl Swine acta!
Kiss the aace hena If you klnl
Back to partners, do-ae-do!
All JIne hands an' off you go!
Oents salute yer little sweets!
Hitch an promenade to seats!
And thus the merry dance roes on till morn
ing's ttruccimr light
In lenrlhentnr streaks of rray breaks down
the barriers of nlcht.
And bronks are mounted in the clow of early
mornlnc sklea
By weary-limbed young revelers with droop-
lnr. sleeplnr eyes. ,
The cowboys to the ranres speed to "work"
the lowlnr herds;
The girls within their chambers hide to sleep
like weary birds.
And for a week the young folks talk of what
a jolly spree
They had that nlcht at Jackson's ranch, down
on the Owyhee.
Denver Evening Post.
-
When Paderewaki Plays.
We went down to the city
Ftr Washington's Birthday,
An" I went to hear a feller
Called Paderwhlsky play
Upon a big planner
That took up half the stage
An" set the women weepln'
An made the mentolks rage.
We climbed a lot o' stairways
They took us up so high
We most could hear the angels
Applaudln' In the sky.
We waited almost breathless
Till that 'ere chap should please
To unlock that planner
An Jingle all the keys..
He come, and then they hollered
Jest tan-lfled the air!
Till It 'peared like a harrtcane
Slowed through that feller's hatrl
The groanln and the rnoanln'
It shook the painted walls;
The noise o" many rivers
The roar o waterfalls I
But. oh. that feller's playln't
(Ills hair wux all we seen.)
Wo didn't know what music
Like that wux made to mean!
All that we knowed fer sarttn .
Wux, that 'ere chap wux mad.
An' beat that big planner J
Wltn all the strength-he had!
How could they call that musla
"Heavenly." 'sweet," an" "grand'"
Played In a foreign language
We couldn't understand?
We looked at 'em applaudln".
An" tried to git the hang
O' what that cap wux sayln
In that melojlous "bang"r
But all wux Greek to us folks
An" when we said good-bye.
We sighed fer "Suwanee River."
An "Comln Through the Rre,"
Gran'pap wux hummln' Dixie"
(That a somethln' had to beat!)
An' whistled "Annie Laurie"
Along the crowded street.
The ol' tunes I Folks. I tell you.
We Jest can't find our ways
In this high, foreign music
That Paderwhlsky plays.
We hain't been eddlcated
To these high things o" earth:
But we still feel very thankful
That we cot ten dollars' worth!
Atlanta. Constitution.
An Easter Egg.
I am an Etx,
An Easter Egg,
Behold how beautiful
My outside Is.
In- glittering cold.
In silver sheen.
And burnished bronxe.
In Tyrian purple
And In vermeil dyes;
In rainbow hues
Bet solidly.
Or woven Intricately
In curtoua. chaotic chromes;
In blended tints and shades
And In all manner
Of prismatic wonders.
I please the eye.
And satisfy the pense
Of harmony in all the airs.
That Dent may play
Upon the chords of taste;
I fill the tired
Aesthetlo soul
With that chromatic rest
Which quiet sunsets
Bring In June
To bathe a twilight world
In crimson peace;
Or yet again.
I stir the limner's brush
To nobler victories
In realms of light
That's how I am outside
My shell;
Within.
I may be a bad egg.
Through and through:
A doubly wblted sepulchre.
In that, all colors blended
Are but white.
That's me.
A gaudy glory to the eye
At every Easter show.
But
W. J. L. In New York 8un.
Cawlnir of the Crows.
What a famous noise there was
In the morning when I roeel
All the air was hoarse with "caws!"
And the sky was black with crows.
Hundreds circling round the trees.
Swooped down on a last year's nest;
Rose and scattered, then. Ilka bees.
Swarmed again and could not rest.
Cawing, cawing all the time.
Till It grew to one great Voice,
And you could not hear the chime
Of the school clock for the noise.
Every garden bush has heard.
Through Its tiny twigs and shoots;
And the trees have all been stirred
Right down to their very roots.
Buds of green on branch and stem
Glisten In the mornlnc sun;
For crows have wakened them.
And they open one by one.
On the hill, last night, there lay
One white patch from winter snows;
Now It's melted clear away
With the cawing of the crows.
And a primrose, too has heard. "
Peeping out to nod and talk,
From the hedge roots to a bird.
Hopping down the garden walk.
What a famoiu noise It was!
To make the trees and bushes hear.
And fields and flowers and leaves, because
The merry time of Spring Is near.
Q. Setoua ia St. Louis Olobe-Democrat.
J
' They All Bring- Spring.
"While roaming In the woods one day,
I asked the question, halt in play.
"Who can tell when 8prtng began?"
Straightway the answer came. "I canf
And Robin Redbreast cocked his head,
"All right! Then pray proceed." I said.
"2 must." said he, "express surprise
That anyone with two good eyes.
Or even one, should fail to see
Spring's coming must depend on me.
When I come, then will come the Sprtnsj,
And that a the gist of the whole thing."
"Ho. ho! He. he! Well. I declare!"
A 8qulrrel chuckled, high in air.
"That la too droll that you should bring.
Instead of belnr brought by. Spring.
I hadn't meant to boast, but now
The cause of truth will not allow
My silence; so I'll merely state ,;
That Spring for me must always wait.
The thing admits not of a doubt:
Spring can't begin till I come out."
"Well, biers my stars! For pure conceit.'
Began the Brook. "you two do beat
All I hare heart. As If 'twere true
Spring never came at all till you
Were bom. and can't come when you're dead!
But I can set you right. I know
Spring comes when I begin to flood.
When my Ice melts, and not till then.
Spring dares to venture forth again."
"Whew!" sneered the Breese. In high dladala,
"Tou're wrong as they are. It Is plain.
When I first came, not long ago.
I found you naurht but ice and snow.
Twas my warm breath, you thankless thing;,
That broke your bands and brought the SprlneV
The Robins and the Squirrels all
Come only when they hear me call.
In fact, I may assert with truth
I am the Spring Itself, in sooth.
Spring's here because I'm here, and when
I leave you'll have no Spring again."
E. J. Wheeler. In Boston Tranacript.
Ills Handicap.
He wooed her when they both were poor;
'twas then he won her, too; .
She cheered him when the days were drear and
tolled to help him through;
She taught him things from books that be had
failed to learn In youth;
She got him to avoid the use of words that
were uncouth;
She took her Jewel In the rough; she polished
dajf by day.
And with a woman's patience ground Use
worthless parts away.
She turned him from a stupid clown to cue
whose mien was proud;
She planted In his heart the wish to rise
above the crowd:
She planned the things he undertook; she urged
him on to try:
She cave him confidence to look for splendid
things and hlgh;
She bore the children that be loved, and tolled
for them and him.
And often knelt beside her bed with aching
eyea and dim.
She cheered him when the days were dark, and
when the skies were bright
She saw him rise above the crowd and reach
a noble height:
Her brow is marred by many a line, she's
bent and wan and old;
He has a bearing that la fine, a form of noble
mold.
And people say: "Poor man. alas! He's grown
beyond his wife;
How sad that such a load should be attached
to him for life!"
Chicago Times-Herald.
Georixie's First Smoke.
Paw, he 1st smokes th oldest, biggest black
eeegars at you
1st uver saw, an' yeste'day I thot I'd emoka
wun. too;
So. when they wuin't ennybuddy look la" I 1st
cot
Upon a chare an' sneek'd out a seegar an a
whole lot
Uv matches, nen I hiked out fur th coal
shed, where I'd be
All by tnyseX an' whare they cu'dn't enny
buddy see;
I lit it all up good an' nen I puffed away like
paw.
An' 1st make smoky kurly-kews th best you
UTer saw.
Ken after bit It didn't taste so veree good
an' I
1st tho't I'd stop a-emokln' fur awhile betoar
I'd try
Agin, but I got oflul sick, an' 'at ole coal
shed It
Commenced to turn erroun' an Den th' floor
flew up an hit
Me on th' hed a noflul slap 'a hard It made
me cry;
An I 1st lay'd thare quiet an atrade 'at I
wu'd die:
Nen I got sicker still an' wlsh'd 'at I wu'd die
an' be
A nlngil nen maw cum fur coal an akreem'd
when she saw me.
Paw sex he'll git me a gold watch an chain
It I 1st don't
Smoke sregars nuwer enny moar. an' you 1st
bet I won't.
Newt Newklrk In Ohio State Journal.
April Rain.
Gray threads are caught within the forest-loom
A-elantwlse, shuttled by the April breexe:
A fog of buds and rain-unraveled bloom
Is set adrift between the antlered trees;
And leaf-bud eheathings, closed an hour ago.
The edges of their satin linings show.
The raln-thrends break in little golden ends.
And opals, all a-qulrer In the air.
Hang sclntlllant. as slipping sunshine sends
A rainbow here, a needle-glimmer there.
An uptossed head of fragrance, dimly white.
The wild plum glistens in the fleecy light.
The wet. rough rocks, with llcben-Iaees rimmed.
Shine faintly green, along the slanted glades;
The curled brown fungus-cups are even
brimmed With rain, that steals their dusk and orange
shades.
And darkles In each hallowed velvet bell
TO the dim softness of a fairy's well.
A crab-tree's branches, sharp with thorny
spears,
A-suddon turn to wands of dripping pink.
Shaking from bud tips April's Jewel-tears,
That start the blrdsfoot pansies where they
sink:
And subtle balms are trailed through every
lane.
From woodlands wet and sweet with April rain.
Battle Whitney. In Truth.
A Spring Ditty.
Music o the mockln' birds where wild tho
blossoms glow:
Fifty million roses In a. perfect storm of snow I
An' all the groves rejoicln". an' all tho greenln'
hills
A-lookln glad an giddy with the ripple o the
rills!
There's a twinkle In the maples, there's a
whisper In the pines.
An' the hummln' bird Is hummln' fer the
mornln' glory vines;
There's a thrill of life pervadln all the moun
tains an' the dells.
An' music In the breezes where the cattle
shake their bells.
Oh. the country's growln" brlchter, an" the
world In glory rolls;
The sunshine's streamln whiter through the
winders of our souls.
The Lord's unlocked Ills storehouse, with an
He's got to give.
An" If life would last forever we'd Jest live,
an' live, an' live!
Atlanta Constitution.
"Go Heat Yohse'f a Bit.''
Sun comes In de mo'nln".
Ie cotter stop my sleep:
He hurries on to noontime
An' de pace I tries to keep.
Gallops en to nlght-ttme
An" leaves me feelln" blue
About de money dat I needs
An' work I didn't do.
I reckon I'd git stahted
In purty decent etyle
Ef ol' Sun would be good-natured
An' Jes" wait a little while.
But he travels on so hasty
like he had to ketch a train,
Dat I never overtakes "lm.
Though I tries an tries again.
So I'a glad to see de blackness
Dat la comln' up de sky.
Now, Mlstab Sun. I's nopln'
You'll be peaceful, by an" by.
Go res' yohse'f a little,
rs tired as I kin be:
Go tumble In de cloud-bank
An let up yoh chaaln' me.
Washington i
In the Bathroom.
With soapy water on your face.
My! don't you swear and growl.
To And. when you have groped through space,
A stiff and brand-new towel!
New York Pre.
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