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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (March 4, 1900)
THE SUNDAY OEEGONIAN, PORTLAND, MARCH 4, 1900.
RESEMBLED HIS BELINDA
MODERN COMEDT OP ERRORS,
PLAYED UP TO IATE.
Harrowing- Results of Reins Mis
taken, for Somebody Else Because
of Fancied Facial Likeness.
I suffer under a singular misfortune. It
will not seem much to you, when you
hear It stated. I dare say, if you are
sentlmnetal you will fail to understand
the hardships of my- case.
It -is simply this: Evreybody knows
somebody who looks like me. The words
I am sure to hear, as soon after an intro
duction as etiquette will allow, are: "You
so strongly resemble a friend of mine;"
or, "You remind me so forcibly of an
absent cousin, aunt, sister or sweetheart,"
as the case may be; or, "Pardon me, but
your likeness to my old friend So-and-So
leads mo to treat you with tho familiar
ity due only to a longer acquaintance."
If you are of the sentimental turn, you
ask: "Where is the misfortune?" Very
agreeable, you think, for me to And mine
always one of the "old familiar faces"
charming never to appear a stranger to
any one; to be "hail fellow, well met!"
with every newcomer; to have a special
resemblance to everybody's particular
friend! You think so? "Well, I object to
It, for tho following reasons But no; I
will give no reasons. I will let you de
duce them from my experience.
Put the case as yours. How would you
like to find the resemblance generally
-unflattering? I have seen some or tnesc
facsimiles of myself. They are about as
much like each other as Laps are like
Spaniards, or Turks like Frenchmen. I
don't know how they can all be me! I
toavo not, generally, felt elated by the
comparison, when confronted with my
"very pictures." They may possibly have
experienced the same dissatisfaction, but
I hops not, at least to the same extent.
Another VIevr of It,
Or, how we'd you like to have no per
sonality of your own; to be forever pre
judged by the same qualities of others;
to be sneered at because Miss A is bo
vain; to be hated because Miss B is so
malignant; to be laughed at because Miss
C is so ridiculous?
This is to have no identity; to be per
petually obliterated in others having
stronger traits, like sugar in a dose of
I have had shopkeepers look sharply at
me as I stood by the counter. One asked
a friend of mine if I "was not that lady
who had a fancy for taking things and
not paying for them."
Oh, my counterparts! do conduct your
selves with propriety, or a harmless suf
ferer will haunt you. If she can.
I asked one of the trustees of a mu
seum for a permit to visit it These per
mits are given to all applicants who are
deemed respectable. What was my dis
may to hear. In reply, such words as
"No, ma'am; wo must refuse."
"Why?" I stammered.
"You are so careless, and did so much
damage while handling the specimens,
the last time you were there, that my
duty to the society compels mo to refuse
I had never visited the museum, but
Borne rough copy of me, doubtless, had
I have occasionally tried to prove the
mistake about my identity, but have gen
erally been considered unblushingly per
sistent in trying to gain my object, at the
expense of truth. If I meet with no con
tradiction to my representations and gain
any point, those I address usually let me
see that they are not "gulled," but ore
only Indolent or indulgent
Walking gently along a San Francisco
thoroughfare I see blustering old Dr.
driving along in his buggy. He pulls up,
and calls out to me, a perfect stranger
to him, though, as he Is a distinguished
man, I know him by sight:
"Go home; go home! I never saw such
o. perverse woman! Any person of sense,
sick as you are, would be abed. Such
a patient abroad speaks ill for her doctor.
I won't have it; go home."
I the picture of "health ordered home,
as a sick and unreasonable patient! and
that, too, when the old novelist, Mr.
Blank, is Just passing and hears every
word, as- a perceptible sneer on his face
tells me! A month or two afterward, I
see some fling at womankind in his latest
work, which I trace clearly to this inci
dent. And all the time, no doubt, the
poor, sick woman Is groaning Indoors
and hoping to win golden opinions of her
physician hy her obedience.
Sometimes the mistake produces only
laughable results. At a picnic, I wandered
alone In a shady, cedar grove. I was
dressed as all the woman were, in white.
I leaned over a little, babbling brook and
became much interested in the minnows.
I heard a step behind me, but that Im
parted nothing to me; I expected no fond
eurprlse. Suddenly an arm stole about my
"I have watched a whole hour for this,"
Bald a man's voice. I knew the gentleman
well; he was supposed to bo a stony, old
bachelor. I looked up; met a prompt
kiss; gave a prompt scream, and saw my
astonished swain take a prompt departure,
after a close, hasty, frightened look Into
Walking along a country lane, I was
overtaken by a young gentleman. In a
etyllsh buggy. I never saw him before;
yet he bmlled, bowed and stopped his
"Come, Jump In!" ho cried; "Miss Mon
sroe sent me for you. She is sick, and
you have not a minute to lose."
"Very much flurried at being summoned
&y a Miss Monroe I never heard of be
fore, I hastily I seized the extended hand
and sprang into the buggy, without tak
ing pains to look again at the messenger
who, meantime, is carefully averting his
No sooner am I seated beside him than
I perceive that he shaking with laugh
ter; and, suddenly, he turns to me, saying,
while he starts off his horse with a brisk
"All a ruse, Lizzie! Miss Monroe don't
want you but I do!"
I lift upon him a blank, amazed face.
He starts, stares, colors; stammers out
an apology and something about expect
ing to meet "Lizzie"; says I am "not the
lady," stops the horse and lets me get
out, in violent confusion, and while he
drives off, sheepishly recovering his coun
tenance, I walk off lamenting mine, which
plays me such tricks.
At an evening party, I was Introduced
to a Mr. K., at his request He gazed
at me. in a very confusing manner; grew
pale and teary. I hastened to draw his
attention from myself to the music, the
pictures, the dancing. But though he was
sufficiently polite, I saw that his mind
was fully occupied in dwelling upon me.
From being embarrassed and annoyed I
began to feel flattered, as his attention
seemed delicate, almost reverential, and
quite lnioluutarlly prolonged. He scarce
ly left my side that evening, and when he
took leave, asked permission to call upon
me. I granted it readily, as I knew his
family and antecedents.
The vers' next day he came, and tho
next I was flattered a little. I had been
through such affairs before, and knew
what this devotion foreboded; besides,
did not every friend I had congratulate
me upon my conquest?
At parties he scarcely left my side, for
no coldness on my part could daunt him.
At home, he sat as near to mo asj cir
cumstances and etiquette permitted, tor
menting mo with his long gaze. He sent
mc flowers, anonymously; lent mo books,
6ang with me, and camo daily.
Be iras well educated, handsome, of
suitable age and good estate. I began
to look upon him with favor, but yet al
ways felt that the whole affair was rather
inexplicable, and probably founded upon
some mistake, though I knew It could not
be- one of Identity this time.
One morning ho asked for a private
audience, and I was arrald the time had
come when I must give him a positive
answer, yes or no. I was not prepared
to do this, and concluded to be guided
by circumstances whether to say "wait"
or "no." "Yes" was decidedly not to be
uttered nor Implied.
Ho came, and I fluttered down to the
parlor. He rose to meet me; took my
hand and led me to a chair, remote from
a window. He took another and sat fac
ing me. It made me nervous this cere
monyand "No! No!! No!!!" was on tho
tip of my tongue before he said a word.
"I asked to see you alone," he said at
last after mastering some emotion "that
I might open my heart to you." X smiled
a willingness to preside at the uncovering
of that casket Ho continued: "You must
have seen have you not? that for tho
last month, you have been the delight of
"Does he expect me to answer that?" I
said to myself, as ho paused. I put up
my fan to hide lips quivering with amuse
ment "The delight of my eyes and of my
heart! For years I have not known such
refreshment; such pure joy as you have
given me." I was touched, moved; no
laughing now nearer crying.
"You havo comforted my inmost soul;
tho world looks bright because of you. It
has been dark and desolate enough, God
knows! But all clouds fly before your
presence. I never expected to be so happy
In this world as you havo mado me."
He was deeply In earnest, trembling
with magnetic emotion. He paused again.
If his next question hod been whether I
would marry him, I think "Yes" would
have been inevitable.
"I have come now to beg you to com
plete my happiness. I know you can. You
are the Image of my former wife my
angel, Belinda, In heaven, who is waiting
for mo there, after a most blissful union
here cut too short alas! I know she will
not be Jealous of you, for you are but her
image here below, and I am compliment
ing her in marrying you."
As I listened to his fatuity, tho angry
spark In my eyes burned up the softness
he had at first evoked. I had half a mind
to marry him, so as to avenge myself
upon his angel, Belinda.
But, after all, I could not "Come!" I
said cheerily, "I wonder if I am really like
Like as Two Peas.
"You are like her In every lovely fea
turein glossy hair, dove-like eyes, hap
py lips, sweet, dimpled chin, telling of
gentleness. Then, in expression, your
face is like hers, all filled with the loving
submission of woman, of her sweet help
lessness and graceful dependence upon
man's stronger mind."
"Ah," said I dryly. I knew now that
there was glamour on his eyes, and that
ho could not see mo as I was. "Suppose
we look alike; but are our characters
similar our turn of mind?"
"Yes, I think so; you are both the
humblest meekest, most refined of
women. Belinda was a true woman. I
believe she never had a positive opinion
on any subject out of her household. Sho
knew woman's sphere. She said, with
woman's instinctive delicacy, that she
hated newspapers, and would never read
"Humph! Ahem!" I choked a little.
"Then, our circumstances, surroundings,
experience! Were ours similar? Did she
ever, being loft penniless, earn her bread
by her own exertion, fighting hard for
it with the men who denied her a chance
because sho was a woman; and when she
had won it, eating it with bitter tears,
because she was hated by her brothers,
despised by her sisters for having had to
fight for it?"
"Belinda was averse to strife, and would
havo died of starvation rather than con
tend for food. She was all meek submis
sion to whatever good or ill God sent to
her, as woman should be."
"Was Belinda," I asked, "an authoress
or even a type-setter?"
"Belinda 6hunned notoriety," ho said,
freezlngly, eyeing mo askance.
"I set types In a printing office once,
and then became a small authoress, at
which dignity I try to maintain myself
now. Did Belinda study medicine? I
went through two or three courses of
lectures, at the Female Medical College,
and would have pursued the calling if I
had not had other claims upon me which
He rose suddenly, stared at mo with
glaring, ghastly eyes.
"Is it possible?" said he. "Have I near
lyyes, quite asked a a a woman doc
tor to be my wife? I beg your pardon
I I I did not know." He shuddered,
and, with a frightened look, bowed him
self out He thought I was like Belinda!
What an escape!
A Clone Call.
The gray-haired stranger bent over tht
"Are you the society editor?" he ques
tioned. "I am the identical," said the flippant
"Are you the person who wrote up the
account of the Munn reception?"
"Yea Anything wrong about It?"
"That's what I want to find out Look
here. You notice that in speaking of my
daughter you use this paragraph: "She
swept about tho room with an Inherited
grace that caught every one.' Now, what
was your purpose In writing that?"
"Why, It struck me as a first-class
LENT, AT THE
1 , -.
First Boarder Why do you enjoy Lent?
Second Boardex-Il's c. pleasant change from haah to fishbalUs.
chance for a new compliment to her es
teemed parents, that's all."
"Sure you didn't mean to Insinuate that
her father laid the foundation of his for
tune by selling brooms?"
"Because I did, you know."
"I didn't know It"
"Then that's all right Good-day."
In a Predicament.
"If you think he wants to marry you for
your money, why don't you tell him that
your father has failed and that you are
"I'm afraid I'd lose him." Chicago Post
ARIZOiNA'S LOST BONANZA
STORY OF SAX JUAX COUNTRY TOLD
OVER FOAMING FIZZ.
White Captives of the Morinls Mnke
Rich. Gold Find, bat Fall to Re
discover the Spot.
One balmy and beautiful Spring day 1
was seated outside of my hotel In Boise
Idaho, sunning myself, and some
what lost In reverie. Over in tho North
ern country I could discern tho lofty peaks
of the mountains, which towered up high
above tho horizon. I became more inter
ested in them after a little, and wondered
why and how nature came to build those
majestic giants up there. The verdant
valley of the Boise stretched out east and
weBt as far as the eye could see. Na
ture seemed in love with tho world, and
the world In love with Nature.
I was trying to collect the threads of a
story I had heard down in the San Juan
country. It related to the early history
of that section of Colorado, and, more
particularly, to a veryich bonanza that
some prospectors were said to have found
and lost and which has never been dis
covered since. However, I was soon dis
turbed. Cal. Wellen, an old friend, camo
upon mo unnoticed, and snook mo out of
"Lot me introduce Mr. Anln," said he.
I arose in a dreamy manner, shook my
newly-made acquaintance by tho hand
and invited him to a seat beside me.
Mr. Anin, I soon discovered, was a
"character" and went by the appellation
of Old Zelum Zed. I saw at a glance that
he was one of those old-fashioned Kocky
mountaineers who are fast becoming rel
ics in these United States.
He was tall and raw-boned and his hair
was grizzled and so long that It covered
his shoulders. He wore the usual mus
tache and goatee, and had an expression
n his gray eyes which one never sees
except In the eyes of mountain people.
Ho had been in nearly all the early mining
camps, from New Mexico to Caribou, and
from Pike's Peak to California. Ho was
in a talkative mood, and commenced:
"Yer a stranger in these parts?"
I had to admit that my experience In
the great Rockies was not very extensive.
"Wei, that's no disqualification to yer,"
ho went on; "yer wll' git broke to it by-an'-by,"
and with that he laughed and in
vited us to one of the clubrooms, where,
after ordering a bottle of champagne, he
"Yes see, away along back In the six
ties," said he, "I wus down on the San
Tan, prospectln' 'round. Me an' Joe
Shields an' Bob Dixon wus pards. We
called Joe, 'Schemer,' fur short an' fur the
reason that he wa3 chuck full of them
brilliant ldees which sometimes pan out
all kerrect an' more times gits a man in
"Bob, we called 'Wllecat fur nearly the
same reason, only he wus more of a
worker. These two wus great boys an'
camo somewhere from, the Lono Star
State. They wus good-hearted boys, jlst
the same, and' me an' them got along
mighty wel', beln' throwed, as we wus, In
each other's society promlscu'sly, as pros
pectors wus in them days.
"Wel', we wus pannin' gold in them
dlggin's down there on tho San Yan, an'
was doln' respectfully, though we didn't
strike it rich. Wo had to put up with a
sight of mishaps an' hardships. There
wus no place where we could git provis
ions, 'cept at Hlghpolnt some 9S miles
from the dlggin's, an' we alius brought in
enough raw material to last a while.
"Schemer wus the man who alius went
out after tho provisions, when our stock
commenced to show signs of peterin out
"Tho Injuns wus mighty troublesome
in them days, an' we never sazkly knowed
whether wo would wake In the mornln'
on the San Yan or In Heaven."
Here he helped himself to another glass
of champagne and then continued.
Schemer After Grab.
"Oh, yes, miners git to Heaven. Wel',
we had got out some yeller dust an
Schemer wus 'spatched out fur grub, an'
ho took most of our dust with him. Wlle
cat volunteered to go along, but Schemer
thought he could bring the gold dilst out
an' the provisions back with him, with
out any trouble.
"The dust that belonged to us ho wus
to deposit with tho store man at High
point 'til wo would come out Anyhow,
ho went It alone to fetch in the grub, ap
fur this purpose he took two cayuses be
sides the one he wus riding, fur to pack
the grub back with.
"Me an' Wllecat kep' right on working,
an the days sorter dragged along. By-an-by
we commenced to git a little skeery, fur
the time had run out fur Schemer to git
back. Our provisions had mighty nigh
glvo out, too, an yot Schemer did not
come. We began to git alarmed, both as
to Schemer an' ourselves, fur we were
glttln' in a mighty tight box, 'cause wo
had nothln left to eat 'cept a little chunk
of bacon an a little flour. We held a
council of war, as It were, an me an'
Wllecat 'eluded to saddle our cayuses an
hunt 'bout a little. Maby the Injuns
had laid low an' corralled Schemer, on his
way out or In. Anything of tho kind
, would not havo s'prlsed us.
' "Wo first hid our dust under a big boul-
BOARDING - HOUSE.
der, on tho north side of our cabin, an
then started out to hunt up Schemer, an'
incidently somo provisions. We hunted
an hunted an hunted, an' nary Schemer
could we find. We slept anywhere night
would overtake us, among the rattle
snakes an' horned-toad1?, but all prospect
ors git used to thla kind of thing.
"Days woro on, an' yet nary sign of
Schemer. There was nothln fur us to do
but to go back to our cabin an' git our
gold dust an' go out after provisions our
selves. This we 'eluded to do. fur it was
root, hog, or die with us then.
"We moosed along fur several days, an
still no tldln's of Schemer. So, one even
in', as we were peggin' ahead on a sort of
a forced march, goln' up Shelf Creek Can-
yon, we were suddenly startled out of our
booto by an unearthly yell up over the
rim of the canyon. Sure tho Injuns had
us now. We wus goln' to make a defense,
but yer know It's a much different proposi
tion of goln to do a thing, an' really doing
"Wo held another council of war, an
'eluded that, by the size of their pile, we
had better throw up our hands. So we
surrendered easy an throwed ourselves
on tho charity of the fo.' Napoleon did
that once an got nicely slipped up on It,
an maby we would git slipped up on it,
too. But it wus the very best we could
possibly do, though we never would have
showed tho white feather if we had had
half an equal chance, fur we old pros
pectors are not zakly built on that style.
"Wel there wus one consolation, any-
how. fur the Indians had plenty muck-a- J
muck with them, an' as long as they would
leave our hides Intact, there wus no danger
but wo would git something to eat
"The Injuns belonged to the Moquls, an'
they carried us off to Arizona; but, never
mind, we were equal to the 'caslon. There'
came along a very dark night, an me
an Wllecat gave each other the wink.",
Hero old Zelum Zed ordered another bot
tle of champagne, and then he continued:
"Yes. they carried us to Arizona, and
one day we stopped fur dinner, on to give
THE BOA, THE LION
r-r 1 ! .. ..I ,.
our cayuses time to graze a little in a
canyon, we an' Wllecat went aown to
tho little creek that wus runnln' along
down them mountains, with our gold pans,
an' we did a Htle pannin', on maby yer
don't believe it, but Inside of a half an
hour, wo had several pounds of yeller dust I
each. Then we were made to git aboard our
cayuses an' march on. Wo wrapped our j Intended statements before they are ut
yeller stuff in some mullein leaves an I tered. What I wish to say is, that in
stuffed it down in our bootlegs. We had today's papers, supposed to be a full and
managed to blazo a few trees, an thought i accurate description of the trials of speed
we could easily find tho place again. Yer between the noblest examples of our
see, mo an Wllecat had fig'red out a t horses, great stress Is laid upon tho fact
scheme to give tho Injuns the go uy, an on
that dark night I speak of we both laid
down an snored as loud as any of them;
but wo wua not asleep not by a long shot;
wo wus only playing 'possum, yer see.
Make Their Escnpe.
"So, when everything wus nice an still,
an all them big bucks wus sound asleep.
an' the guard which had been set over us
wus leaning forward on the log by tho
campfire, Wllecat sprung onto that buck
an belted him such a blow on tho head
that he never even grunted once."
"Then we very stealthily got our
cayuses, and, In a little more, we wus
scooting away. They never found us
again. No. sir, nary; yer can bet high
cards on that
"Wo pegged ahead, day after day, an
came very near starving to death. Wile
cat shot a coyote, an' on that we feasted
fur six days. We wus making our way
northward, an' in ten more days we
reached a Mormon settlement In Utah.
Well, sir, wo took that yeller dust to
an assay office, an' I kin tell yer that
our eyes bunged out when the man told
us that wo had $S00 In pure gold; that's
what wo had. Wllecat. ho just nearly
went crazy, an nothln would do but we
must go an hunt up that great bonanza
at once. So wo organized a kind of pros
pecting party of six, an wo took plenty
provisions an started out to hunt for
that bonanza. We searched the moun
tains high an' low all summer, but could
git no sight of them blazed trees, nor
them peculiar mountains where came
trickling down that creek; no, sir, nary!
"Oh, but she wus a bonanza; richer nor
an Alder Gulch nor a Klondike!"
"We hunted all tho next summer fur
that creek, but it wus no use. Wel', Wlle
cat took pneumonia, an' we had to plant
him, an' I have spent every summer since
huntlnir fur that lost bonanza, an' I am
certain that I will find it yet There is
no doubt about it nary."
I ventured to iqulro as to what had
become of "Schemer."
"Wel'," he replied, "Schemer flew back
to the Lono Star State with tho gold dust
ho had carried out for us, an I he'ered
he became a successful politician."
There was a pause, and Old Zelum Zed's
head slowly and softly drooped on his
And thus, by strange coincidence, came
the story of thb "lost bonanza" to me, told
by one of its discoverers and without my
seeking. M. W. STROUSE.
Her love proved false unto his vows.
And. while- her heart was sore.
The maiden vowed that una would dress
In simple sackcloth evermore.
But rti married a rich banker soon;
Her wounded heart did quickly heal;
The sackcloth that she's wearing (now
Is a try handsome sacqae o seal.
RARE FINE MARE WAS SHEi4"r" --"
SQU3RB SCOLLOPS DRIVES SEVES
MILES IN SEC MINUTES.
Novel Mode of Profressloa Inanca-
rated by an Accommodating?
"I have been perusing," said the Hon.
Henry Clay Pldgklns, laying down his
paper at club, ler havlnff attentively
. .. En for ., UnctYi at
time, "I have been perusing tho sporting
columns of this medium of general knowl-!
an t i,v Tnt.y,A h onoi,, I
that, whereas the intention is undoubted
ly good, the experience is lacking."
"Has your favorite fighter been beaten
for want of proper training, or has he
lost by a foul blow?"
"I am not referring to pugilistic encoun
ters," answered the Hon. Pldgklns, "but
AND TOMMY ATKINS.
to the trials and endurance of our equine
; irienas; in otner woras, to norseracing.
"The old story," volunteered the man
with the unlit cigar, "a sure tip and a
"Sir," responded the Hon. Pldgklns,
with some asperity, "you misconstrue my
that So-and-So trotted a mile In 2:0o?. and
This-and-That did tho same in 2:W.
whereas to my certain knowledge a
friend of mine. Squire Scollops, who used
to live in Kansas, had a mare that once
traveled a mile In 51 3-7 seconds and kept
it up for seven miles."
"Was she In a locomotive that was go
ing to wreck when she did that?" said
j the man with a far-away look
Never Broke Her Gnlt.
"No, sir, she was not," answered the
Hon. Pldgklns; "It was on an ordinary
country road, and she never broke her
gait, sir; never."
"Let us hear about this wonderful steed,
that Is running such a close race with tho
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED IT?
Before they are married one nm
brella. Is euoncli.
telegraph, the flash of lightning and the
glimmer of the sunbeam," said the man
who reads magazine poetry.
"Well, gentlemen, it was like this." re
sponded the Hon. Pldgklns. "My particu
lar friend. Squire Scollops, had a mare
which ho called Bess; he also had a wagon
In which ho would load his garden truck
and take It to Muggs Junction for sale.
This wagon was an ordinary farm wagon,
with a covered canvas top, such as you
always see on market days. Now, on the
special occasion to which I am referring.
Squire Scollops was proceeding from his
home to Hood's Corners, a matter of some
two miles, and from there Intended going
to Muggs Junction, seven miles farther,
whero he would find a market for his
Ml of tho distance were carefully
Hon. PUgkins, "as my informants- pes-
sessed the highest characters in the com
munity where they lived."
"Did they live there long?" Inquired the
man with the far-away look.
"They did, sir," responded the Hon.
Pldgklns, "consequently the facts may be
taken exactly as I state them. But to
continue: Squire Scollops proceeded from
his home to Hood's Corners, and naturally
stopped there for a moment to get a snift
er before tackling the seven miles straight
road which leads to Muggs Junction.
Struck ly a Cyclone.
"When ho returned to his wagon, had
wwa nis seat, ana areiy naa tne reins
In his hands, one of those Kansas cyclones
taken his seat, and barely had the rein3
cluno mu"5 """ """"" "" ""- Ui UiC
waSn square In the 'center. The wagon
having been struck first naturally moved
along ueioro uio uuiac owucu, unu wuu
such force, gentlemen, that It flew clean
over the horse without touching It, and the
first thing Squire Scollops knew, he was
bending in a seml-clrcle over the seat,
with the reins passed under the wagon
and dragging the horse along after him."
"Quite an uncomfortable position to
measure distances and calculate time,"
vouchsafed the man with the unlit ci
gar. "Now," continued the Hon. Pidgins, not
heeding tho interruption, "remember, the
ground was frozen hard, the road as
straight as an arrow and the distance
between Hood's Corners and Muggs Junc
tion exactly seven miles. When the cy
clone struck the wagon, it was exactly 5
o'clock and 13 minutes A. M. The canvas
folds on the sides spread out and made
sails and away went Squire Scollops'
wagon and mare In the position described.
on the wild race. Without diverging to
the right or left that wagon sailed on.
Squire Scollops doubled up on the seat
still holding on to the reins, and the ma're
behind striking fire from the ground with
every hoof beat"
"The Squire didn't take any more snift
ers en route, did he?" said tho man with
a far-away look.
"I was not Informed on that point, sir,"
answered the Hon. Pldgklns, "but com
mon sense would demonstrate that he was
not In a position, either mentally or phy
sically, at that time, to partake of stimu
lants. But to proceed:
Reaches His Destination.
"At exactly 5 o'clock and 19 minutes,
the cyclone, by an aerial phenomenon I
havo never had satisfactorily explained,
veered off at right angles, and when Squire
Scollops raised his head to Its natural po
sition, he found himself standing in front
of the store at Muggs Junction."
"A most accommodating cyclone," said
the man, looking out of the window.
"It certainly was an exceptional pecu
liarity of Nature," responded the Hon.
Pldgklns. "Now, gentlemen, you can eas
ily verify my statements. Hood's Cor
ners Is exactly seven miles from Muggs
Junction. The Squire left the former at
6:13 A. ,M. and arrived at the latter place
at 5:19 A. M. Actual time six minutes,
or 51 3-7 seconds per mile."
"You are sure this cyclone did not reach
the Saulre's vest pocket and blow the
works of his watch out during their pleas
ant journey?" said tho man with the un
"I am sure of that, sir, for I have seen
the watch since the aforementioned ex
perience. Now, gentlemen, when you read
of the records made at Sheepshead Bay,
the Grand. Prix of Paris and the Engl'sh
Derby, remember Squire Scollops and his
mare Bess, and that America la still In
"If you Insist, gentlemen, I shall take
pleasure in joining you. Bring me the
same, waiter." Brooklyn Eagle.
FOOLING THE KID.
Washington Father Finns to Retain
Good Opinion of His Son.
"Going to take the day off. eh?" said
the chief of division to the clerk, when
tho latter reported at the office at 9 o'clock
and put in a slip for a day's leavr. "Noth
ing the matter, I hope? No sickness at
home, is there?"
"No," replied the clerk, drearily, lean
ing heavily on the chief's desk. "No
sickness, or anything like that. But I've
got to put in a day of research. It's this
way: That 10-year-old boy of mine sprung
a lot of 'em on me when he was going
over his lessons after dinner Ia3t night
that stumped me and put me temporarily
out of business. This was one of them:
One of 'Em.
" 'Three-e'ighths of a pole stands in the
mud, one-fifth In the water, and the re
mainder of the pole, 21 feet. Is above tho
water. What is the total length of the
"Sounds dead easy, doesn't It?" went
on tho clerk. "Well. It just- stood me on
my head, that's what It did. Y'see, I
took my civil service examination over
10 years ago, and I've tried earnestly
and prayerfully to forget all the digging
I had to do to squeeze through that
"Then he asked me how old George
Washington was when he died; how old
tho Polack Kosciusko was when he of
fered his sword to the Revolutionary com
mander; the date of the battle of Bunker
Hill; the nature of the Missouri compro
mise, and ten or 15 nice little ones like
that. I had to extinguish him by telling
him I was reading my paper, but I prom
ised him I'd give him all the answers
tomorrow Sunday In time for him to be
right on them at school on Monday.
Tlilnlcs End's "It."
"Now that kid thinks I'm 'If He
thinks I know It all. He brags to all the
other kids in tho neighborhood that hla
two nrc fonnd to be
dad can give their dads cards and spades
and big casino and beat them to death,
when it comes to Brains with an upper
case B. Well, I want to have him go
right on thinking so. I wouldn't lose that
young one's exalted opinion of me for
a house and lot It 'ud be a solar plexus
finish fo"r me to liave him direct the
blighting gaze of suspicion at me.
"So I'm going up to the library, yank
out a bundle of books of reference, get
the answers to that list of questions, and
tonight I'll spring 'em on the kid in an
offhand sort of way, a3 if I knew 'em
nil the time, but just didn't have time
to give 'em to him. I couldn't stand it
to have that kid get onto me. Not just
yet anyhow. He'll have time to do that
when ho growa up." WosWngton Post
ONE HOBO GETS A ROAST
WEDGED UNDER LOCOMOTIVE
LOT OVER BED OF HOT COALS
Resents Implication That He Wonld'
Not Cravrl Out, When Ordered
to Do So, If He Conlu.
"In 1S33," said Mr. Henry Hooper, a
railroad man of St. Louis, to a Memphis
Scimitar Reporter, tho other day, "I was
running on a freight between St Louis
and Sedalla, Mo., and it was during that
winter that I ran across something that
laid it over all I ever saw In the way
of hoboing. Now, of course, I've seen
bums riding in all ways and places Im
aginable, and to see a man hanging to the
rods of a fast freight or perched on the
pilot Is not surprising to me, but this
well, let me tell you.
"We had been some time out of Sedalla,
hitting a pretty good gait toward St.
Louis. That winter the hobos along the
line of tho 'Mop' were a fright, and the
whole crew was kept busy chasing them,
off the train. As far as I was concerned
personally, they could have all had 'trans
portation.' for I have been on tho road
myself and believe that when a man Is
willing to take such big chances of life
and limb to get over the country, a fellow
need not put himself out of his way to find
him. But. then, the company had differ
ent views in regard to the matter, and we
had to chase 'em or lose out That night,
and It was cold enough to freeze the whls
kera off a polar bear, I made over a dozen
poor devils unload from the 'decks' and
rods and felt sorry for every one of them
when they hit the grit through tho snow.
Of course this sounds to you like 'pipe,'
coming from an old shack, but It's so.
Backed Too Far.
"Well, it wasn't long before we pulled
Into Jeff City, and while the engineer
oiled around I started out with two of
the crew to chase hobos. Just as wo got
to tho end of the train old Brennan. the
finest 'eagle eye who ever jerked a
throttle, called to Dan Hines. his fireman,
to back up. so that he could oil and
wipe his links. Dan was cleaning his
fire at the time, so, giving it a final swipe
with his slash bar. he backed up. But.
being a little careless, he pulled back too
far, bringing the pilot half way over the
pile of red-hot coals he had just raked
from the firebox.
"Just about that time I thought old man
Brennan was going to throw a fit, and I
got a pretty severe shock myself. Beforo
Dan could ret go the throttle, It seemed
to me Bedlam had broke loose under that
" 'Lemme out!' yelled some one. 'Lem
me out! Move her up! Oh. Lord, I'm
burnln' up!' The sounds came from under
the pilot. Rushing round to the front we
saw a hobo, not on the pilot, but squirm
ing around on tho cross braces under
neath it. yelling for all that was in him!
"In a moment Dan had moved the ma
chine up so aa to put the poor fellow
away from the fire, and while he beat
out with his dirty paws his blazing coat
tails he stll cussed, coughing all the while
like an engine coming up grade.
" 'How In Sam Hill.' roared old Bren
nan, not relishing the dressing down tho
hobo gave him. 'How In Sam Hill did you
git under my pilot?'
How He Got There.
" 'I got here when this bloomln' tea
kittle was over de pit at Sedalla; but
youse fellows needn' try to barbecue me
for dat, need you?'
"Oh, but old Brennan was wrathy.
'Come out o dat. ye dirty porch-climber-
or I'll set ye back over the fire.'
" 'How c'n I git out wld dls trade un
der me?" the hobo yelled back. 'Tlnk I
c'n dig frough It?"
"Brennan saw that it was Impossible for
him to come from under the pilot till
another roundhouse was reached. This
enterprising 'tourist had crawled Into the
pilot while the engine stood over the pit
In the Sedalla roundhouse, and. of course,
could not get out till another pit wa3
placed under him. Although he had plen-
ty of room to sit. tt was u. c-ij- im-
place to ride, for In a wreck death would
"When wo reached Chamois. 2o miles
further on. where there was a round
house, the poor devil was released. But
he was a sight to see. His coattalls were
burned off; his whiskers and hair were
singed; one of his 'lamps' was groggy
from sulphur smoke and flying grit, and,
on the whole, to quote old man Brennan,
he looked like a 'raveled top spring on a
rainy day. "
The Gentle Filipino.
(As the Sergeant See3 Him.)
Oh. I've chased the sweet Apache through hU
And I've tracked the darln' hossthlet whero
hla tootsies marked the sand.
And l'e summered rUth the dago down at
"Cane by the Sa,"
But the gentle Flllplno-say, he beats em all
fer me! .
He beatn 'em, all fer me. son. the whola
In his squashy, mushy country, where tho
climate's gooU ai- hot.
Oh. I've tackled red and yaller. and I va
tackled wild ajd tame.
But the gentle Filipino, be is high, low.
Jack and game.
With his timid Httle Banner and his ewect
and lovely smile. .
And hla easy waj ..' swarfn' that he a loved
yer all the while.
With the white flag on his shanty, hangln
out ter catch yer ee.
And his little rllle ready fer Jer plunk yer by
Ter plunk yer by and by, son, ter shoot er
through the back.
Ar.d skip away as lUely as a sprinter down
Ter come 'round when they plant yer. Just
ter drop his little tear.
Fer the gentle Filipino re a tender-hearted
He'3 as playful as a kitten, and his pastime,
as a rule.
Is ter shoot the llag-er-truce men as a sort er
And if he can And a tree top and sit up there
with his gun
And pick oft the chaps that's wounded, then
he knows he's havin fun.
He knows he's haln' fun, boy. a grand,
good time all 'round.
They look k awkward tumblin from tha
stretcher ter the ground;
It's such a joke ter spot 'em and ter kill
em where they lay,
Fer the gentle Filipino Ioes his pretty,
Course I know that he's a angel, pure and
white as ocean foam,
Cause I read It In the pamphlets that they
send us here from home;
And I know that I'm a "butcher." 'causa the
pamphlets say I am.
But I guess I'll keep on fightln' Jest the eame
fer Uncle Sam.
The same fer Urxle Sam. son. fer Jest bear
this In mind
The watch dog's beteer than the curs that
eneak and snarl benind;
I'll try to bear up. somehow, underneath
my "murd'rer's taint,"
Fer the gentle Filipino Is a blame queer
kind er saint.
-Joe Lincoln In Leslie's Weekly.
Done "With. Forever.
"Ah," ho moaned, "this is not the kind
of bread mother used to make."
"Perhaps," his fair young wife said,
preparing to abolish one Joke from their
"family forever, "It Is not the kind she
used to make, but it's the kind she makes
now. She brought over a leaf this after
noon, saying sho knaw you would be so
glad to get another taste of it!"
Then there crept Into his eyes tho wild,
hunted look that peopl read about Chi