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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (March 4, 1900)
THE SUNDAY OEEGONIAN, PORTLAND, MARCH 4, 1900. 18 RESEMBLED HIS BELINDA MODERN COMEDT OP ERRORS, PLAYED UP TO IATE. Harrowing- Results of Reins Mis taken, for Somebody Else Because of Fancied Facial Likeness. I suffer under a singular misfortune. It will not seem much to you, when you hear It stated. I dare say, if you are sentlmnetal you will fail to understand the hardships of my- case. It -is simply this: Evreybody knows somebody who looks like me. The words I am sure to hear, as soon after an intro duction as etiquette will allow, are: "You so strongly resemble a friend of mine;" or, "You remind me so forcibly of an absent cousin, aunt, sister or sweetheart," as the case may be; or, "Pardon me, but your likeness to my old friend So-and-So leads mo to treat you with tho familiar ity due only to a longer acquaintance." If you are of the sentimental turn, you ask: "Where is the misfortune?" Very agreeable, you think, for me to And mine always one of the "old familiar faces" charming never to appear a stranger to any one; to be "hail fellow, well met!" with every newcomer; to have a special resemblance to everybody's particular friend! You think so? "Well, I object to It, for tho following reasons But no; I will give no reasons. I will let you de duce them from my experience. Put the case as yours. How would you like to find the resemblance generally -unflattering? I have seen some or tnesc facsimiles of myself. They are about as much like each other as Laps are like Spaniards, or Turks like Frenchmen. I don't know how they can all be me! I toavo not, generally, felt elated by the comparison, when confronted with my "very pictures." They may possibly have experienced the same dissatisfaction, but I hops not, at least to the same extent. Another VIevr of It, Or, how we'd you like to have no per sonality of your own; to be forever pre judged by the same qualities of others; to be sneered at because Miss A is bo vain; to be hated because Miss B is so malignant; to be laughed at because Miss C is so ridiculous? This is to have no identity; to be per petually obliterated in others having stronger traits, like sugar in a dose of castor oil. I have had shopkeepers look sharply at me as I stood by the counter. One asked a friend of mine if I "was not that lady who had a fancy for taking things and not paying for them." Oh, my counterparts! do conduct your selves with propriety, or a harmless suf ferer will haunt you. If she can. I asked one of the trustees of a mu seum for a permit to visit it These per mits are given to all applicants who are deemed respectable. What was my dis may to hear. In reply, such words as these: "No, ma'am; wo must refuse." "Why?" I stammered. "You are so careless, and did so much damage while handling the specimens, the last time you were there, that my duty to the society compels mo to refuse the permit" I had never visited the museum, but Borne rough copy of me, doubtless, had done so. I have occasionally tried to prove the mistake about my identity, but have gen erally been considered unblushingly per sistent in trying to gain my object, at the expense of truth. If I meet with no con tradiction to my representations and gain any point, those I address usually let me see that they are not "gulled," but ore only Indolent or indulgent Walking gently along a San Francisco thoroughfare I see blustering old Dr. driving along in his buggy. He pulls up, and calls out to me, a perfect stranger to him, though, as he Is a distinguished man, I know him by sight: "Go home; go home! I never saw such o. perverse woman! Any person of sense, sick as you are, would be abed. Such a patient abroad speaks ill for her doctor. I won't have it; go home." I the picture of "health ordered home, as a sick and unreasonable patient! and that, too, when the old novelist, Mr. Blank, is Just passing and hears every word, as- a perceptible sneer on his face tells me! A month or two afterward, I see some fling at womankind in his latest work, which I trace clearly to this inci dent. And all the time, no doubt, the poor, sick woman Is groaning Indoors and hoping to win golden opinions of her physician hy her obedience. Lanchallc Results. Sometimes the mistake produces only laughable results. At a picnic, I wandered alone In a shady, cedar grove. I was dressed as all the woman were, in white. I leaned over a little, babbling brook and became much interested in the minnows. I heard a step behind me, but that Im parted nothing to me; I expected no fond eurprlse. Suddenly an arm stole about my "waist "I have watched a whole hour for this," Bald a man's voice. I knew the gentleman well; he was supposed to bo a stony, old bachelor. I looked up; met a prompt kiss; gave a prompt scream, and saw my astonished swain take a prompt departure, after a close, hasty, frightened look Into my face. Walking along a country lane, I was overtaken by a young gentleman. In a etyllsh buggy. I never saw him before; yet he bmlled, bowed and stopped his horse suddenly. "Come, Jump In!" ho cried; "Miss Mon sroe sent me for you. She is sick, and you have not a minute to lose." "Very much flurried at being summoned &y a Miss Monroe I never heard of be fore, I hastily I seized the extended hand and sprang into the buggy, without tak ing pains to look again at the messenger who, meantime, is carefully averting his face. No sooner am I seated beside him than I perceive that he shaking with laugh ter; and, suddenly, he turns to me, saying, while he starts off his horse with a brisk touch: "All a ruse, Lizzie! Miss Monroe don't want you but I do!" I lift upon him a blank, amazed face. He starts, stares, colors; stammers out an apology and something about expect ing to meet "Lizzie"; says I am "not the lady," stops the horse and lets me get out, in violent confusion, and while he drives off, sheepishly recovering his coun tenance, I walk off lamenting mine, which plays me such tricks. At an evening party, I was Introduced to a Mr. K., at his request He gazed at me. in a very confusing manner; grew pale and teary. I hastened to draw his attention from myself to the music, the pictures, the dancing. But though he was sufficiently polite, I saw that his mind was fully occupied in dwelling upon me. From being embarrassed and annoyed I began to feel flattered, as his attention seemed delicate, almost reverential, and quite lnioluutarlly prolonged. He scarce ly left my side that evening, and when he took leave, asked permission to call upon me. I granted it readily, as I knew his family and antecedents. The vers' next day he came, and tho next I was flattered a little. I had been through such affairs before, and knew what this devotion foreboded; besides, did not every friend I had congratulate me upon my conquest? Unfalteringly Devoted. At parties he scarcely left my side, for no coldness on my part could daunt him. At home, he sat as near to mo asj cir cumstances and etiquette permitted, tor menting mo with his long gaze. He sent mc flowers, anonymously; lent mo books, 6ang with me, and camo daily. Be iras well educated, handsome, of suitable age and good estate. I began to look upon him with favor, but yet al ways felt that the whole affair was rather inexplicable, and probably founded upon some mistake, though I knew It could not be- one of Identity this time. One morning ho asked for a private audience, and I was arrald the time had come when I must give him a positive answer, yes or no. I was not prepared to do this, and concluded to be guided by circumstances whether to say "wait" or "no." "Yes" was decidedly not to be uttered nor Implied. Ho came, and I fluttered down to the parlor. He rose to meet me; took my hand and led me to a chair, remote from a window. He took another and sat fac ing me. It made me nervous this cere monyand "No! No!! No!!!" was on tho tip of my tongue before he said a word. "I asked to see you alone," he said at last after mastering some emotion "that I might open my heart to you." X smiled a willingness to preside at the uncovering of that casket Ho continued: "You must have seen have you not? that for tho last month, you have been the delight of my eyes?" "Does he expect me to answer that?" I said to myself, as ho paused. I put up my fan to hide lips quivering with amuse ment "The delight of my eyes and of my heart! For years I have not known such refreshment; such pure joy as you have given me." I was touched, moved; no laughing now nearer crying. "You havo comforted my inmost soul; tho world looks bright because of you. It has been dark and desolate enough, God knows! But all clouds fly before your presence. I never expected to be so happy In this world as you havo mado me." He was deeply In earnest, trembling with magnetic emotion. He paused again. If his next question hod been whether I would marry him, I think "Yes" would have been inevitable. "I have come now to beg you to com plete my happiness. I know you can. You are the Image of my former wife my angel, Belinda, In heaven, who is waiting for mo there, after a most blissful union here cut too short alas! I know she will not be Jealous of you, for you are but her image here below, and I am compliment ing her in marrying you." As I listened to his fatuity, tho angry spark In my eyes burned up the softness he had at first evoked. I had half a mind to marry him, so as to avenge myself upon his angel, Belinda. But, after all, I could not "Come!" I said cheerily, "I wonder if I am really like your wife." Like as Two Peas. "You are like her In every lovely fea turein glossy hair, dove-like eyes, hap py lips, sweet, dimpled chin, telling of gentleness. Then, in expression, your face is like hers, all filled with the loving submission of woman, of her sweet help lessness and graceful dependence upon man's stronger mind." "Ah," said I dryly. I knew now that there was glamour on his eyes, and that ho could not see mo as I was. "Suppose we look alike; but are our characters similar our turn of mind?" "Yes, I think so; you are both the humblest meekest, most refined of women. Belinda was a true woman. I believe she never had a positive opinion on any subject out of her household. Sho knew woman's sphere. She said, with woman's instinctive delicacy, that she hated newspapers, and would never read them." "Humph! Ahem!" I choked a little. "Then, our circumstances, surroundings, experience! Were ours similar? Did she ever, being loft penniless, earn her bread by her own exertion, fighting hard for it with the men who denied her a chance because sho was a woman; and when she had won it, eating it with bitter tears, because she was hated by her brothers, despised by her sisters for having had to fight for it?" "Belinda was averse to strife, and would havo died of starvation rather than con tend for food. She was all meek submis sion to whatever good or ill God sent to her, as woman should be." "Was Belinda," I asked, "an authoress or even a type-setter?" "Belinda 6hunned notoriety," ho said, freezlngly, eyeing mo askance. "I set types In a printing office once, and then became a small authoress, at which dignity I try to maintain myself now. Did Belinda study medicine? I went through two or three courses of lectures, at the Female Medical College, and would have pursued the calling if I had not had other claims upon me which forbade it" He rose suddenly, stared at mo with glaring, ghastly eyes. "Is it possible?" said he. "Have I near lyyes, quite asked a a a woman doc tor to be my wife? I beg your pardon I I I did not know." He shuddered, and, with a frightened look, bowed him self out He thought I was like Belinda! What an escape! A Clone Call. The gray-haired stranger bent over tht desk. "Are you the society editor?" he ques tioned. "I am the identical," said the flippant young man. "Are you the person who wrote up the account of the Munn reception?" "Yea Anything wrong about It?" "That's what I want to find out Look here. You notice that in speaking of my daughter you use this paragraph: "She swept about tho room with an Inherited grace that caught every one.' Now, what was your purpose In writing that?" "Why, It struck me as a first-class LENT, AT THE 1 , -. First Boarder Why do you enjoy Lent? Second Boardex-Il's c. pleasant change from haah to fishbalUs. chance for a new compliment to her es teemed parents, that's all." "Sure you didn't mean to Insinuate that her father laid the foundation of his for tune by selling brooms?" "Certainly not" "Because I did, you know." "I didn't know It" "Then that's all right Good-day." Collier's Weekly. o In a Predicament. "If you think he wants to marry you for your money, why don't you tell him that your father has failed and that you are consequently penniless?" "I'm afraid I'd lose him." Chicago Post ARIZOiNA'S LOST BONANZA STORY OF SAX JUAX COUNTRY TOLD OVER FOAMING FIZZ. White Captives of the Morinls Mnke Rich. Gold Find, bat Fall to Re discover the Spot. One balmy and beautiful Spring day 1 was seated outside of my hotel In Boise Idaho, sunning myself, and some what lost In reverie. Over in tho North ern country I could discern tho lofty peaks of the mountains, which towered up high above tho horizon. I became more inter ested in them after a little, and wondered why and how nature came to build those majestic giants up there. The verdant valley of the Boise stretched out east and weBt as far as the eye could see. Na ture seemed in love with tho world, and the world In love with Nature. I was trying to collect the threads of a story I had heard down in the San Juan country. It related to the early history of that section of Colorado, and, more particularly, to a veryich bonanza that some prospectors were said to have found and lost and which has never been dis covered since. However, I was soon dis turbed. Cal. Wellen, an old friend, camo upon mo unnoticed, and snook mo out of my trance. "Lot me introduce Mr. Anln," said he. I arose in a dreamy manner, shook my newly-made acquaintance by tho hand and invited him to a seat beside me. Mr. Anin, I soon discovered, was a "character" and went by the appellation of Old Zelum Zed. I saw at a glance that he was one of those old-fashioned Kocky mountaineers who are fast becoming rel ics in these United States. A Character. He was tall and raw-boned and his hair was grizzled and so long that It covered his shoulders. He wore the usual mus tache and goatee, and had an expression n his gray eyes which one never sees except In the eyes of mountain people. Ho had been in nearly all the early mining camps, from New Mexico to Caribou, and from Pike's Peak to California. Ho was in a talkative mood, and commenced: "Yer a stranger in these parts?" I had to admit that my experience In the great Rockies was not very extensive. "Wei, that's no disqualification to yer," ho went on; "yer wll' git broke to it by-an'-by," and with that he laughed and in vited us to one of the clubrooms, where, after ordering a bottle of champagne, he became reminiscent. "Yes see, away along back In the six ties," said he, "I wus down on the San Tan, prospectln' 'round. Me an' Joe Shields an' Bob Dixon wus pards. We called Joe, 'Schemer,' fur short an' fur the reason that he wa3 chuck full of them brilliant ldees which sometimes pan out all kerrect an' more times gits a man in a hole. "Bob, we called 'Wllecat fur nearly the same reason, only he wus more of a worker. These two wus great boys an' camo somewhere from, the Lono Star State. They wus good-hearted boys, jlst the same, and' me an' them got along mighty wel', beln' throwed, as we wus, In each other's society promlscu'sly, as pros pectors wus in them days. "Wel', we wus pannin' gold in them dlggin's down there on tho San Yan, an' was doln' respectfully, though we didn't strike it rich. Wo had to put up with a sight of mishaps an' hardships. There wus no place where we could git provis ions, 'cept at Hlghpolnt some 9S miles from the dlggin's, an' we alius brought in enough raw material to last a while. "Schemer wus the man who alius went out after tho provisions, when our stock commenced to show signs of peterin out "Tho Injuns wus mighty troublesome in them days, an' we never sazkly knowed whether wo would wake In the mornln' on the San Yan or In Heaven." Here he helped himself to another glass of champagne and then continued. Schemer After Grab. "Oh, yes, miners git to Heaven. Wel', we had got out some yeller dust an Schemer wus 'spatched out fur grub, an' ho took most of our dust with him. Wlle cat volunteered to go along, but Schemer thought he could bring the gold dilst out an' the provisions back with him, with out any trouble. "The dust that belonged to us ho wus to deposit with tho store man at High point 'til wo would come out Anyhow, ho went It alone to fetch in the grub, ap fur this purpose he took two cayuses be sides the one he wus riding, fur to pack the grub back with. "Me an' Wllecat kep' right on working, an the days sorter dragged along. By-an-by we commenced to git a little skeery, fur the time had run out fur Schemer to git back. Our provisions had mighty nigh glvo out, too, an yot Schemer did not come. We began to git alarmed, both as to Schemer an' ourselves, fur we were glttln' in a mighty tight box, 'cause wo had nothln left to eat 'cept a little chunk of bacon an a little flour. We held a council of war, as It were, an me an' Wllecat 'eluded to saddle our cayuses an hunt 'bout a little. Maby the Injuns had laid low an' corralled Schemer, on his way out or In. Anything of tho kind , would not havo s'prlsed us. ' "Wo first hid our dust under a big boul- BOARDING - HOUSE. der, on tho north side of our cabin, an then started out to hunt up Schemer, an' incidently somo provisions. We hunted an hunted an hunted, an' nary Schemer could we find. We slept anywhere night would overtake us, among the rattle snakes an' horned-toad1?, but all prospect ors git used to thla kind of thing. "Days woro on, an' yet nary sign of Schemer. There was nothln fur us to do but to go back to our cabin an' git our gold dust an' go out after provisions our selves. This we 'eluded to do. fur it was root, hog, or die with us then. "We moosed along fur several days, an still no tldln's of Schemer. So, one even in', as we were peggin' ahead on a sort of a forced march, goln' up Shelf Creek Can- yon, we were suddenly startled out of our booto by an unearthly yell up over the rim of the canyon. Sure tho Injuns had us now. We wus goln' to make a defense, but yer know It's a much different proposi tion of goln to do a thing, an' really doing It "Wo held another council of war, an 'eluded that, by the size of their pile, we had better throw up our hands. So we surrendered easy an throwed ourselves on tho charity of the fo.' Napoleon did that once an got nicely slipped up on It, an maby we would git slipped up on it, too. But it wus the very best we could possibly do, though we never would have showed tho white feather if we had had half an equal chance, fur we old pros pectors are not zakly built on that style. "Wel there wus one consolation, any- how. fur the Indians had plenty muck-a- J muck with them, an' as long as they would leave our hides Intact, there wus no danger but wo would git something to eat "The Injuns belonged to the Moquls, an' they carried us off to Arizona; but, never mind, we were equal to the 'caslon. There' came along a very dark night, an me an Wllecat gave each other the wink.", Hero old Zelum Zed ordered another bot tle of champagne, and then he continued: "Yes. they carried us to Arizona, and one day we stopped fur dinner, on to give THE BOA, THE LION One. r-r 1 ! .. ..I ,. Two. Three. our cayuses time to graze a little in a canyon, we an' Wllecat went aown to tho little creek that wus runnln' along down them mountains, with our gold pans, an' we did a Htle pannin', on maby yer don't believe it, but Inside of a half an hour, wo had several pounds of yeller dust I each. Then we were made to git aboard our cayuses an' march on. Wo wrapped our j Intended statements before they are ut yeller stuff in some mullein leaves an I tered. What I wish to say is, that in stuffed it down in our bootlegs. We had today's papers, supposed to be a full and managed to blazo a few trees, an thought i accurate description of the trials of speed we could easily find tho place again. Yer between the noblest examples of our see, mo an Wllecat had fig'red out a t horses, great stress Is laid upon tho fact scheme to give tho Injuns the go uy, an on that dark night I speak of we both laid down an snored as loud as any of them; but wo wua not asleep not by a long shot; wo wus only playing 'possum, yer see. Make Their Escnpe. "So, when everything wus nice an still, an all them big bucks wus sound asleep. an' the guard which had been set over us wus leaning forward on the log by tho campfire, Wllecat sprung onto that buck an belted him such a blow on tho head that he never even grunted once." "Then we very stealthily got our cayuses, and, In a little more, we wus scooting away. They never found us again. No. sir, nary; yer can bet high cards on that "Wo pegged ahead, day after day, an came very near starving to death. Wile cat shot a coyote, an' on that we feasted fur six days. We wus making our way northward, an' in ten more days we reached a Mormon settlement In Utah. Well, sir, wo took that yeller dust to an assay office, an' I kin tell yer that our eyes bunged out when the man told us that wo had $S00 In pure gold; that's what wo had. Wllecat. ho just nearly went crazy, an nothln would do but we must go an hunt up that great bonanza at once. So wo organized a kind of pros pecting party of six, an wo took plenty provisions an started out to hunt for that bonanza. We searched the moun tains high an' low all summer, but could git no sight of them blazed trees, nor them peculiar mountains where came trickling down that creek; no, sir, nary! "Oh, but she wus a bonanza; richer nor an Alder Gulch nor a Klondike!" "We hunted all tho next summer fur that creek, but it wus no use. Wel', Wlle cat took pneumonia, an' we had to plant him, an' I have spent every summer since huntlnir fur that lost bonanza, an' I am certain that I will find it yet There is no doubt about it nary." I ventured to iqulro as to what had become of "Schemer." "Wel'," he replied, "Schemer flew back to the Lono Star State with tho gold dust ho had carried out for us, an I he'ered he became a successful politician." There was a pause, and Old Zelum Zed's head slowly and softly drooped on his bosom. And thus, by strange coincidence, came the story of thb "lost bonanza" to me, told by one of its discoverers and without my seeking. M. W. STROUSE. "Womnn's "Way. Her love proved false unto his vows. And. while- her heart was sore. The maiden vowed that una would dress In simple sackcloth evermore. But rti married a rich banker soon; Her wounded heart did quickly heal; The sackcloth that she's wearing (now Is a try handsome sacqae o seal. -Calcfcso Nsws. RARE FINE MARE WAS SHEi4"r" --" SQU3RB SCOLLOPS DRIVES SEVES MILES IN SEC MINUTES. Novel Mode of Profressloa Inanca- rated by an Accommodating? Kansas Cyclone. "I have been perusing," said the Hon. Henry Clay Pldgklns, laying down his paper at club, ler havlnff attentively . .. En for ., UnctYi at time, "I have been perusing tho sporting columns of this medium of general knowl-! an t i,v Tnt.y,A h onoi,, I that, whereas the intention is undoubted ly good, the experience is lacking." "Has your favorite fighter been beaten for want of proper training, or has he lost by a foul blow?" "I am not referring to pugilistic encoun ters," answered the Hon. Pldgklns, "but AND TOMMY ATKINS. to the trials and endurance of our equine ; irienas; in otner woras, to norseracing. "The old story," volunteered the man with the unlit cigar, "a sure tip and a walk home." "Sir," responded the Hon. Pldgklns, with some asperity, "you misconstrue my that So-and-So trotted a mile In 2:0o?. and This-and-That did tho same in 2:W. whereas to my certain knowledge a friend of mine. Squire Scollops, who used to live in Kansas, had a mare that once traveled a mile In 51 3-7 seconds and kept it up for seven miles." "Was she In a locomotive that was go ing to wreck when she did that?" said j the man with a far-away look Never Broke Her Gnlt. "No, sir, she was not," answered the Hon. Pldgklns; "It was on an ordinary country road, and she never broke her gait, sir; never." "Let us hear about this wonderful steed, that Is running such a close race with tho HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED IT? Before they are married one nm brella. Is euoncli. telegraph, the flash of lightning and the glimmer of the sunbeam," said the man who reads magazine poetry. "Well, gentlemen, it was like this." re sponded the Hon. Pldgklns. "My particu lar friend. Squire Scollops, had a mare which ho called Bess; he also had a wagon In which ho would load his garden truck and take It to Muggs Junction for sale. This wagon was an ordinary farm wagon, with a covered canvas top, such as you always see on market days. Now, on the special occasion to which I am referring. Squire Scollops was proceeding from his home to Hood's Corners, a matter of some two miles, and from there Intended going to Muggs Junction, seven miles farther, whero he would find a market for his produce.' J Ml of tho distance were carefully Hon. PUgkins, "as my informants- pes- sessed the highest characters in the com munity where they lived." "Did they live there long?" Inquired the man with the far-away look. "They did, sir," responded the Hon. Pldgklns, "consequently the facts may be taken exactly as I state them. But to continue: Squire Scollops proceeded from his home to Hood's Corners, and naturally stopped there for a moment to get a snift er before tackling the seven miles straight road which leads to Muggs Junction. Struck ly a Cyclone. "When ho returned to his wagon, had wwa nis seat, ana areiy naa tne reins In his hands, one of those Kansas cyclones taken his seat, and barely had the rein3 cluno mu"5 """ """"" "" ""- Ui UiC waSn square In the 'center. The wagon having been struck first naturally moved along ueioro uio uuiac owucu, unu wuu such force, gentlemen, that It flew clean over the horse without touching It, and the first thing Squire Scollops knew, he was bending in a seml-clrcle over the seat, with the reins passed under the wagon and dragging the horse along after him." "Quite an uncomfortable position to measure distances and calculate time," vouchsafed the man with the unlit ci gar. "Now," continued the Hon. Pidgins, not heeding tho interruption, "remember, the ground was frozen hard, the road as straight as an arrow and the distance between Hood's Corners and Muggs Junc tion exactly seven miles. When the cy clone struck the wagon, it was exactly 5 o'clock and 13 minutes A. M. The canvas folds on the sides spread out and made sails and away went Squire Scollops' wagon and mare In the position described. on the wild race. Without diverging to the right or left that wagon sailed on. Squire Scollops doubled up on the seat still holding on to the reins, and the ma're behind striking fire from the ground with every hoof beat" "The Squire didn't take any more snift ers en route, did he?" said tho man with a far-away look. "I was not Informed on that point, sir," answered the Hon. Pldgklns, "but com mon sense would demonstrate that he was not In a position, either mentally or phy sically, at that time, to partake of stimu lants. But to proceed: Reaches His Destination. "At exactly 5 o'clock and 19 minutes, the cyclone, by an aerial phenomenon I havo never had satisfactorily explained, veered off at right angles, and when Squire Scollops raised his head to Its natural po sition, he found himself standing in front of the store at Muggs Junction." "A most accommodating cyclone," said the man, looking out of the window. "It certainly was an exceptional pecu liarity of Nature," responded the Hon. Pldgklns. "Now, gentlemen, you can eas ily verify my statements. Hood's Cor ners Is exactly seven miles from Muggs Junction. The Squire left the former at 6:13 A. ,M. and arrived at the latter place at 5:19 A. M. Actual time six minutes, or 51 3-7 seconds per mile." "You are sure this cyclone did not reach the Saulre's vest pocket and blow the works of his watch out during their pleas ant journey?" said tho man with the un lit cigar. "I am sure of that, sir, for I have seen the watch since the aforementioned ex perience. Now, gentlemen, when you read of the records made at Sheepshead Bay, the Grand. Prix of Paris and the Engl'sh Derby, remember Squire Scollops and his mare Bess, and that America la still In the leud. "If you Insist, gentlemen, I shall take pleasure in joining you. Bring me the same, waiter." Brooklyn Eagle. FOOLING THE KID. Washington Father Finns to Retain Good Opinion of His Son. "Going to take the day off. eh?" said the chief of division to the clerk, when tho latter reported at the office at 9 o'clock and put in a slip for a day's leavr. "Noth ing the matter, I hope? No sickness at home, is there?" "No," replied the clerk, drearily, lean ing heavily on the chief's desk. "No sickness, or anything like that. But I've got to put in a day of research. It's this way: That 10-year-old boy of mine sprung a lot of 'em on me when he was going over his lessons after dinner Ia3t night that stumped me and put me temporarily out of business. This was one of them: One of 'Em. " 'Three-e'ighths of a pole stands in the mud, one-fifth In the water, and the re mainder of the pole, 21 feet. Is above tho water. What is the total length of the polo?" "Sounds dead easy, doesn't It?" went on tho clerk. "Well. It just- stood me on my head, that's what It did. Y'see, I took my civil service examination over 10 years ago, and I've tried earnestly and prayerfully to forget all the digging I had to do to squeeze through that "Then he asked me how old George Washington was when he died; how old tho Polack Kosciusko was when he of fered his sword to the Revolutionary com mander; the date of the battle of Bunker Hill; the nature of the Missouri compro mise, and ten or 15 nice little ones like that. I had to extinguish him by telling him I was reading my paper, but I prom ised him I'd give him all the answers tomorrow Sunday In time for him to be right on them at school on Monday. Tlilnlcs End's "It." "Now that kid thinks I'm 'If He thinks I know It all. He brags to all the other kids in tho neighborhood that hla Afterward preferable. two nrc fonnd to be dad can give their dads cards and spades and big casino and beat them to death, when it comes to Brains with an upper case B. Well, I want to have him go right on thinking so. I wouldn't lose that young one's exalted opinion of me for a house and lot It 'ud be a solar plexus finish fo"r me to liave him direct the blighting gaze of suspicion at me. "So I'm going up to the library, yank out a bundle of books of reference, get the answers to that list of questions, and tonight I'll spring 'em on the kid in an offhand sort of way, a3 if I knew 'em nil the time, but just didn't have time to give 'em to him. I couldn't stand it to have that kid get onto me. Not just yet anyhow. He'll have time to do that when ho growa up." WosWngton Post ONE HOBO GETS A ROAST "k WEDGED UNDER LOCOMOTIVE LOT OVER BED OF HOT COALS Resents Implication That He Wonld' Not Cravrl Out, When Ordered to Do So, If He Conlu. "In 1S33," said Mr. Henry Hooper, a railroad man of St. Louis, to a Memphis Scimitar Reporter, tho other day, "I was running on a freight between St Louis and Sedalla, Mo., and it was during that winter that I ran across something that laid it over all I ever saw In the way of hoboing. Now, of course, I've seen bums riding in all ways and places Im aginable, and to see a man hanging to the rods of a fast freight or perched on the pilot Is not surprising to me, but this well, let me tell you. "We had been some time out of Sedalla, hitting a pretty good gait toward St. Louis. That winter the hobos along the line of tho 'Mop' were a fright, and the whole crew was kept busy chasing them, off the train. As far as I was concerned personally, they could have all had 'trans portation.' for I have been on tho road myself and believe that when a man Is willing to take such big chances of life and limb to get over the country, a fellow need not put himself out of his way to find him. But. then, the company had differ ent views in regard to the matter, and we had to chase 'em or lose out That night, and It was cold enough to freeze the whls kera off a polar bear, I made over a dozen poor devils unload from the 'decks' and rods and felt sorry for every one of them when they hit the grit through tho snow. Of course this sounds to you like 'pipe,' coming from an old shack, but It's so. Backed Too Far. "Well, it wasn't long before we pulled Into Jeff City, and while the engineer oiled around I started out with two of the crew to chase hobos. Just as wo got to tho end of the train old Brennan. the finest 'eagle eye who ever jerked a throttle, called to Dan Hines. his fireman, to back up. so that he could oil and wipe his links. Dan was cleaning his fire at the time, so, giving it a final swipe with his slash bar. he backed up. But. being a little careless, he pulled back too far, bringing the pilot half way over the pile of red-hot coals he had just raked from the firebox. "Just about that time I thought old man Brennan was going to throw a fit, and I got a pretty severe shock myself. Beforo Dan could ret go the throttle, It seemed to me Bedlam had broke loose under that engine. " 'Lemme out!' yelled some one. 'Lem me out! Move her up! Oh. Lord, I'm burnln' up!' The sounds came from under the pilot. Rushing round to the front we saw a hobo, not on the pilot, but squirm ing around on tho cross braces under neath it. yelling for all that was in him! "In a moment Dan had moved the ma chine up so aa to put the poor fellow away from the fire, and while he beat out with his dirty paws his blazing coat tails he stll cussed, coughing all the while like an engine coming up grade. " 'How In Sam Hill.' roared old Bren nan, not relishing the dressing down tho hobo gave him. 'How In Sam Hill did you git under my pilot?' How He Got There. " 'I got here when this bloomln' tea kittle was over de pit at Sedalla; but youse fellows needn' try to barbecue me for dat, need you?' "Oh, but old Brennan was wrathy. 'Come out o dat. ye dirty porch-climber- or I'll set ye back over the fire.' " 'How c'n I git out wld dls trade un der me?" the hobo yelled back. 'Tlnk I c'n dig frough It?" "Brennan saw that it was Impossible for him to come from under the pilot till another roundhouse was reached. This enterprising 'tourist had crawled Into the pilot while the engine stood over the pit In the Sedalla roundhouse, and. of course, could not get out till another pit wa3 placed under him. Although he had plen- ty of room to sit. tt was u. c-ij- im- place to ride, for In a wreck death would be certain. "When wo reached Chamois. 2o miles further on. where there was a round house, the poor devil was released. But he was a sight to see. His coattalls were burned off; his whiskers and hair were singed; one of his 'lamps' was groggy from sulphur smoke and flying grit, and, on the whole, to quote old man Brennan, he looked like a 'raveled top spring on a rainy day. " The Gentle Filipino. (As the Sergeant See3 Him.) Oh. I've chased the sweet Apache through hU God-forsaken land. And I've tracked the darln' hossthlet whero hla tootsies marked the sand. And l'e summered rUth the dago down at "Cane by the Sa," But the gentle Flllplno-say, he beats em all fer me! . He beatn 'em, all fer me. son. the whola Immortal lot. In his squashy, mushy country, where tho climate's gooU ai- hot. Oh. I've tackled red and yaller. and I va tackled wild ajd tame. But the gentle Filipino, be is high, low. Jack and game. With his timid Httle Banner and his ewect and lovely smile. . And hla easy waj ..' swarfn' that he a loved yer all the while. With the white flag on his shanty, hangln out ter catch yer ee. And his little rllle ready fer Jer plunk yer by ami by. Ter plunk yer by and by, son, ter shoot er through the back. Ar.d skip away as lUely as a sprinter down the irack; Ter come 'round when they plant yer. Just ter drop his little tear. Fer the gentle Filipino re a tender-hearted dear. He'3 as playful as a kitten, and his pastime, as a rule. Is ter shoot the llag-er-truce men as a sort er April fool: And if he can And a tree top and sit up there with his gun And pick oft the chaps that's wounded, then he knows he's havin fun. He knows he's haln' fun, boy. a grand, good time all 'round. They look k awkward tumblin from tha stretcher ter the ground; It's such a joke ter spot 'em and ter kill em where they lay, Fer the gentle Filipino Ioes his pretty, childish play. Course I know that he's a angel, pure and white as ocean foam, Cause I read It In the pamphlets that they send us here from home; And I know that I'm a "butcher." 'causa the pamphlets say I am. But I guess I'll keep on fightln' Jest the eame fer Uncle Sam. The same fer Urxle Sam. son. fer Jest bear this In mind The watch dog's beteer than the curs that eneak and snarl benind; I'll try to bear up. somehow, underneath my "murd'rer's taint," Fer the gentle Filipino Is a blame queer kind er saint. -Joe Lincoln In Leslie's Weekly. Done "With. Forever. "Ah," ho moaned, "this is not the kind of bread mother used to make." "Perhaps," his fair young wife said, preparing to abolish one Joke from their "family forever, "It Is not the kind she used to make, but it's the kind she makes now. She brought over a leaf this after noon, saying sho knaw you would be so glad to get another taste of it!" Then there crept Into his eyes tho wild, hunted look that peopl read about Chi cago Times-Herald.