December 19, 2018
Page 13
O PINION
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A Requiem for President Donald Trump
Imagine what
would be said
s teve K linger
I attended Don-
ald Trump’s funeral
today in a half-emp-
ty Washington Ca-
thedral, curious to
learn how the 45th
president, who of
course resigned in disgrace in
2019, would be remembered by
those who came to mourn him.
The only living former presidents,
Mike Pence, Barack Obama and
100-year-old Jimmy Carter, were
in attendance but did not speak to
eulogize him. (Pence was sched-
uled to speak but was overcome
by tears.) That task fell to Don-
ald Trump Jr., just out of prison
after his early release following
his conviction in 2019 for lying to
Congress and the FBI.
“He was a great dad,” said a
tearful Don Jr. “He set an example
that made me into the man I am
today.”
Also speaking his praises was
an elderly Rudy Giuliani, who
said Trump had gotten a raw deal
from Special Counsel Robert
Mueller and had nothing to be
ashamed of. “I admire President
Trump for many things, but most
of all for never backing down. He
did nothing wrong and he stood
by
his ground. By the way, is this on
live TV?”
A parade of convicted felons
followed Giuliani to the stage, all
of them pardoned by Trump
before he left office under
the cloud of a pending im-
peachment for obstruction
of justice and other high
crimes and misdemeanors.
Former Maricopa County,
Ariz. Sheriff Joe Arpaio,
speaking from a wheelchair at age
93, praised Trump for his tough
stance on immigration. (“He treat-
ed those criminal migrant families
a lot better than I would have.”)
Former campaign chairman
Paul Manafort said the president
had stood behind him through
thick and thin before pardoning
him on the eve of his own resigna-
tion. (“He and I were on the same
page, even when the whole world
thought I was lying.”)
Korean dictator Kim Jung Un
did not attend but sent a video of
his latest nuclear ballistic missile
test, and thanked Trump for mak-
ing his nuclear arsenal possible.
Saudi King Mohammed Bin
Salman sent an Instagram with a
photo of a bone saw, along with
the receipt for the 500 rooms his
staff rented at the newest Trump
hotel in Washington, DC, and
Vladimir Putin sent condolences
to Melania Trump, even though
she divorced Trump more than
five years ago and did not attend
the funeral. The former Mrs.
Trump was seen walking on Fifth
Avenue in New York earlier today
in her legendary “Do You Really
Care? I Don’t” jacket.
Presidential historian Jon Mea-
cham described Trump as an
anomaly among presidents: “He
redefined what normal was and,
unlike every president before him
in recent memory, made it routine
to depart from reason and truthful-
ness on a regular basis. As far as
anyone can recall, he never issued
an apology because he felt he had
nothing in his life to apologize for.”
Former Interior Secretary Ryan
Zinke, who rode his horse into
the cathedral, said the world has
Trump to thank for bringing coal
back from the brink of extinction
as a major fuel for power and
source of jobs and praised him for
rolling back a decade of Environ-
mental Protection Agency rules
that Zinke said were stifling the
energy industry. In the 109-degree
heat of Washington in August,
Zinke mocked people fanning
themselves in the cathedral and
said there was no proof that hu-
man activities have contributed
to the warming of the planet. “We
need to open a few more nation-
al monuments to mining,” Zinke
concluded.
Protesters outside the cathedral
outnumbered mourners, according
to police estimates, and DC officers
on horseback fired teargas canisters
into the crowds to keep them away
from the cathedral. The chemical
fumes seemed to make little differ-
ence in the heavily polluted air of
the nation’s capital.
Ivanka Trump and her husband,
Jared Kushner, of course, could
not attend the funeral as they are
still serving prison sentences for
conspiracy connected with Rus-
sian hacking of the 2016 presiden-
tial election.
Trump’s friend and confidant
Roger Stone offered to show the
gathering his latest tattoo, a por-
trait of Trump. “As you all know,
I’ve got Richard Nixon on my
back, so Donald is a little bit lower
down,” Stone said, before security
escorted him to an exit.
The most mysterious aspect of
the day’s events appeared in the
crawl of FOX News’ television
coverage of the funeral in the form
of an anonymous tweet just as the
ceremony was concluding:
“Don’t believe the failing New
York Times. The Cathedral Crowd
was HUGE, the biggest ever for a
Presidential Funeral. I was watch-
ing from Above, I can tell you
that. Disgraceful! Witch Hunt. No
Collusion!!!”
-Steve Klinger is a veteran
community journalist/editor/sati-
rist and college English instructor
based in southern New Mexico.
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