Page 12
January 3, 2018
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O PINION
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A New Year’s Resolution: Time to Speak Up
When men do
things that make me
uneasy
J ill r icharDson
As we go into a new
year, I have a resolu-
tion. I’m going to speak
up more when men do
things that make me un-
easy.
Take the other day, for example.
I really like my neighbor. I also have no
interest in dating him. It’s nothing against
him, really. But I don’t know him well,
and I’m not interested in dating anyone
at the moment. (Men don’t believe that
when I say it, but it’s true. And that isn’t
some female code for “try harder.”)
I ran into my neighbor while coming
home, and we stopped to chat. Before we
parted, he touched the back of my neck
and kind of massaged it for a second.
Not knowing what that meant, or what
to do about it, I did nothing. I pretended it
didn’t happen. Denial works, right?
A few days later I ran into him again.
Again we chatted, and he massaged my
neck for a second or two again. What?
Seriously, I would never, ever do that to
someone I wasn’t dating. Why is he doing
that?
He isn’t being aggressive, exactly. My
neck isn’t an erogenous zone. He isn’t do-
ing anything else. And I want to be friends
with this guy. He’s a nice guy.
by
I don’t look forward to the awkward
conversation when I tell him to knock it
off. I don’t want to harm our friendship.
That’s why I’ve said nothing.
But the truth is, this was how it started
with the first man who sexually assaulted
me back in college. It started out with just
some unwanted touching. In that case, he
held my hand.
There were more red flags with the guy
in college. I’d yank my hand away, he’d
take it again. Rinse, repeat.
Ultimately that escalated to an actual
assault.
they’re the arbiters of whether they’ve
made us feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
That’s ridiculous. If a woman says she
feels uncomfortable, then that’s how she
feels.
I know I’m not the only woman who
will start speaking out more, but men
need to listen when we do.
And please, guys, be more conscious
of your actions. Don’t call a woman you
aren’t dating names like “sweetie.” And
don’t assume we want any touch other
than a handshake — even when we’re too
uncomfortable to say otherwise.
...the sad truth is that men may think
what they’ve done is okay — even though it’s
positive consent they should be looking for.
The perpetrator is now a pediatric neu-
rologist. With the #MeToo movement,
I’ve considered telling his employer. But
is it worth ruining someone’s career be-
cause he assaulted me nearly two decades
ago? I don’t know.
But I do know I’m going to have to
speak up to my neck-rubbing neighbor.
Most men aren’t rapists. But when
women don’t tell men that their behav-
ior makes women uncomfortable, the sad
truth is that men may think what they’ve
done is okay — even though it’s positive
consent they should be looking for.
Why don’t we speak up? Often men
become defensive. Some think that
And when we do tell you what we don’t
like, listen. If you feel yourself getting de-
fensive, work through your feelings, and
then listen. Don’t verbally attack some-
one for having the courage to tell you the
truth.
Stop using your sexual conquest of
women as a measure of your manhood.
Women are people, not objects. The only
“game” you need is to act like a human
being and treat us like humans too.
OtherWords columnist Jill Richardson
is the author of Recipe for America: Why
Our Food System Is Broken and What We
Can Do to Fix It. Distributed by Other-
Words.org.