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September 4,1991...The Portland Observer...Page 5
Can Men Really Change?
BY ULYSSES TUDKER, JR.
Many men in the United Slates arc
starting to talk more about their feel
ings, how society has traditionally
viewed the man’s role, and how women
blame them ior most problems associ
ated w ith relationships/marriagcs. To
say the least, some men are angry,
confused, g uilty, unhappy, and lost
emotionally.
Most feminists feel that men arc
violent, abusive, oppressive, and re
sponsible for bad government, wars,
and dysfunctional families. Men arc
also accused o f hiding behind their
egos and pride when it comes down to
communicating openly w ith mates/
wives, and their children. Do men de
serve such a terrible rap sheet?
L e t’ s explore some o f the statis
tics compiled against men: 730,000
women are raped and report it each
day. That averages about 2,000 rapes
per day and fo r each one o f these rapes
reported, there arc 10-15 more not
reported. In a survey conducted by the
Rhode Island Rape C risis Center, 1700
6th to 9th grade students revealed some
alarming and scary facts. A whopping
80 percent said that a man had the right
to force women to have sex i f they
were married. Seventy percent said
that a man did not need the consent o f
the woman to have sexual intercourse.
Sixty- one percent o f the students said
that it was okay to force her i f they had
sex before. More than half believed
that a man had a right to sex w ithout
her consent i f (1) she led him on, (2)
she got him sexually excited or (3)
they’ d been dating a long time.
About 30 percent o f the students
aLso said it was okay to force the woman
i f (1) she has had sex w ith other men,
(2) he is so turned on he can’ t stop or,
(3) she is drunk. Lastly, more than half
the students thought that “ i f a woman
dresses seductively and walks alone at
night, she’ s asking to be raped...’ ’
Another twenty five percent believed
that it was the c h ild ’ s fault if they were
over 12, should they become a victim
o f incest. Arc we looking at future
victim s, rapist, and ch ild abusers o f
America? Remember, these youngsters
are only in middle school or freshmen
in high school.
Where are they developing such
attitudes, unenlightened perspectives,
values, and morals? Television? Their
parents, peers, or society? Even more
sad, most o f these students from these
public and private schools surveyed
believed that rapes/sexual assaults were
committed by strangers. Statistics re
veal that victim s know their offenders
80 percent o f the lime. Enought talk o f
rape. There are other areas to be ad
dressed and inform ation about men to
be shared.
According to a study conducted
by N eil Bennett o f Yale, women who
live w ith a man before marrying him
have an 80 percent greater chance o f
divorce than those who don’ t. Also,
women who marry younger husbands
have a greater chance o f getting d i
vorced than those who marry men their
own age or older. Divorce rales arc
also higher in marriages in which the
woman has a higher level o f education
than the man, and in marriages m ixing
different religions. Advice to women:
A vo id liv in g w ith a man until mar
riage and consider candidates with equal
or more education.
For the record, there arc some
very successful relationships/marriagcs
in the scenarios mentioned above, but
statistically they do not succeed. Even
in marriages that do survive, some
women are psyehologically/physically
abused, isolated socially, and many
stay in these dysfunctional situations
because they are unemployed, have
children, and fear life on their own.
Staying in an abusive relationship as
opposed to a shelter or on the streets is
the general attitude. Lack o f com m it
ment is the number one reason for
failed marriages (53 percent), far ahead
o f other reasons such as im m aturity
(32 percent), finances (17 percent'),
and adultery (11 percent). Mendodg.
a bullet in the comm itment area, sin.
ply because Better Homes and Gar
dens did not specify gender. Who would
you blame? Strangely, the presence ot
a son reduces the likelihood o f a d i
vorce by 9 percent over the presence o f
a daughter. Why? Overall, 50 percent
ol marriages end in divorce, according
to some figures, and out o f wedlock
births continue to rise. Forty percent
o f all (US Census Bureau) births in the
U.S.A. fall into this statistical area. As
one story suggested recently in a na
tional publication, “ Men should have
an expiration date on their head like a
carton o f m ilk , so that women can be
aware o f the date they go sour...” Is
the situation that bad? Should more
stats be compiled to trash men?
This article is not meant to beat up
men or to cast them into a negative
light; the intent is to show that i t ’ s very
easy to ju s tify an opinion w ith statis
tics and research. The same argument
could be compiled against women, who
can be just as guilty in some cases.
S till, the question remains - can men
change? Can they be more sensitive?
Share their feelings? Share power and
responsibility w ith women? Can they
slop llie sex crimes and assaults against
women? W ill the court system give
sentences that send stronger messages
to those com m iting sex crimes against
women? W ill wc ever live in a society
that pays women and other minorities
equal to white males? Can men be
sexually responsible? Yes, men are to
blame fo r most e vil, pain, discrim ina
tion and violence in our society.
When docs the “ Hagar The V i
king A ttitud e ” become a thing o f the
past? Men have been socialized or
raised w ith the mindset o f exercising
power and control, but the w orld has
out-grown those values.
It is now time fo r change and a
new respect that does not abuse/hurt
others. It is time for men to respect
fam ily, women, and grow in a upward
manner spiritually and em otionally. It
is time for man to allow his woman to
stand by his side, not in the darkness
for behind him.
The question now becomes w ill
they change as oppose to can they
change? Men can only search them
selves for enlightenment, answers, and
for the peace that ego and false pride
suppressed or altered. G rowth and
change is painful and men need to
know that women are on their side.
Can they change? “ Men have to
change,” said M ack Parks, resident
psychologist/bartender at the Texas II
in Northeast Portland. “ 1 did. Men
need to step up and account for their
actions. I t ’ s the only way for him and
society to grow or make progress. No
longer can men blame women or make
excuses for their shortcomings. Posi
tive change can only help future gen
erations to move forward. A t some
point, the cycle or fold attitudes needs
to be eliminated. I f not, kids w ill carry
the values or attitudes that could be
bad into adulthood. Men must do it.”
Ending Gang Violence
IB EYE STEAKS
In August, Portland got a violent
reminder o f its gang problems w ith two
deaths in one day: Fourteen-month-old
Howard H ill shot in a house used by
Crips gang members and John Edwards
Fratcr, a 21-year-old Bloods member
killed by a drive-by gang shooting.
Fifteen people have been kille d since
1989 in gang-related incidents, and last
year 206 o f the 2,500 gang calls police
responded to involved shootings. What s
being done to stop the violence? What
should be done to gel our kids out o f
gangs?
Other T V programs have looked at
who joins gangs and why. Many ar
ticles have been w ritten about the roots
o f gang violence and what i t ’ s doing to
our communities. On this program
TO W N H A L L w ill concentrate on so
lutions. W e’ ll spend an entire hour
discussing ways to solve this complex
and frightening problem. We hope to
come up w ith some creative new ap
proaches and help you discover how
you can h e lp -n o matter where you
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What programs exist to keep kids
away from gangs? Are they working?
What are the police doing to solve the
problem? The schools? What should
parents be doing? What do ex-gang
members and gang experts think w ill
be the key to solving the gang problem?
What do YO U think? Join Jack Faust
for this discussion on Sunday, Septem
ber 15,19091 from 6:00-7:00 p.m. For
seat reservations, please call Frank
Mungeam, Alison Highberger or Liza
McQuade at 231-4620. Guest should
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plan to arrive at the
K A T U studios (21 st & N .E. Sandy
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public is welcome, but reservations are
required.
„
Volunteer Clean-Up
Day Planned
That’ s the message o f sponsors o f
thAe first annual SPLASH D A Y , Sat
urday, S eptember 7 th , a volunteer river
shoreline clean-up day. Splash Day is
planned for 9:00 to 1:00 p.m. For more
inform ation, call R IV E R W A T C H at
(503) 295-049. Sponsors o f our Splash
Day event include C ellular One, M et
ro p o lita n D isposal C o rp o ra tio n ,
Multnomah County Parks.
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