a^e 10 • I iiv Portland Observer**'November 21, 1990
OPINION
BY C. M. BROOKS
s he His side o f the His/
Her column recenily
decided
that we were
going to w rite about
communications in
lovemaking. You know,
what a couple wants out
o f intim acy: specifically, what they want
and need out o f sexual interaction, what
factors in h ib it one from doing or not
doing certain things and how the past has
a correlation to your sex- —- ■-
ual relationships. A fte r he
casually . threw out the
topic he then said, “ Do
you think that you can
handle that?”
Then he
chuckled...
N ot only can I handle
it, but what my prophetic
w ritin g partner has forgot­
ten, like so many other
people, is that lovemaking
is not about sexual inter­
course. For the “ act” is
just a small part o f the en­
tire relationship and should
be treated as such. I t ’ s not
about what she wants or — ...............
when he needs it, or even where it should
be done! Lovemaking is about how you
and your mate operate on a day to day
basis. And it is that tinteraction that not
only has a direct affect on the other areas
o f your relationship, but it w ill also re­
flect in the quality o f sexual intim acy.
Lovemaking has a far deeper mean­
ing than that o f sex because it requires
more attentiveness from those involved.
It also demands a greater sense o f re­
sponsibility from both panics and it takes
more e ffo n to sustain those bonds a l­
ready formed. It is a sacrifice so great
that it makes the reward much more sig­
nificant, so much so that it cannot be
measured through temporary satisfac­
tion.
For example, I have girlfriends who
say that their relationships w ith their
boyfriends could be better i f they com ­
municated more effectively and more
often. N ot surprising to many and to
them, is that more often than not, the
times when they do communicate w ith
their mates is when he initiated sexual
intercourse. He becomes more w illin g to
express what he needs and what is vital
to the life o f this part o f their relation­
even the most mundane, w ith each other. BY: ULLYSSES TUCKER, JR.
It naturally brings you closer and allows
i ot only is honest and open
the leeway to speak more often and open-
communications essential
up more variety in discussions. This in
in everyday life, it is
turn w ill lead to an honest attempt at dis-
ju s t as im portant in
ussing sexual needs.
making love. People have
And what about romance? This too
the tendency to suppress
is a part o f lovemaking, yet some don’ t
their true feelings, desires,
have the chance to experience it, espe­
or
what
is
really
on their minds. As a
cially young people who think lovemak­
result,
frustration
can set in and create
ing is, once again, about sex. Some have
tension
or
negative
vibrations in a rela­
even become so complacent in their rela­
tionship.
W
hy
is
it
so
d if fi­
tionships that they have forgotten how to
cu
lt
fo
r
some
people
to
dis- _ _ _ _ _
romance their partner. Now
cuss
making
love
or
sex
as
it
this doesn’ t mean you have
is
so
com
m
only
(I
prefer
to go out and buy an expen­
sive g ift item or go on a making love over sex) called?
Is your love life (or sex life )
spendy vacation together.
Romancing your mate the way you want it?
Talking about love mak­
means dropping a note in
ing
(or
sex) can be a sensi­
yourmate’s lunch that says
tive
or
exciting
discussion,
“ thinking about you” or “ I
depending
on
the
level o f
love you.” It means clean­
communications
between
ing up the house and cook­
ing dinner because you know tw o people in a relationship.
M aking love is supposed to
that she works hard, too. It
be
fu n , an adventure,
means listening to a mate
fu
fillin
g , warm, and excit­
who has had a bad day at
ing.
I
f
your love life is not
work and offering nothing
the
way
you want it, chances
but your shoulder to cry on.
are
that
you
are unhappy and
---------------
What about supporting
frustrated.
L ife is com pli­
your mate during a crisis? Lovemaking
cated
enough,
butan uncomfortable love
means being there when the chips are
life
or
a
selfish
mate can only make
down and no one else understands or
matters
worst.
People
w aiting until there
cares fo r that much, what you are feeling
is
a
problem
w
ith
lovemaking
before ad­
or what you are going through. It means
dressing
the
issue,
in
my
opinion,
is a
helping them get through the bad times
mistake.
Discussing
making
love
(or
and gingerly encouraging to go on w ith
sex)
can
be
d
iffic
u
lt
because
in
many
life at their own pace.
A ll o f these things embody what cases, our parents were uncomfortable
talking about the topic w ith us or we fear
lovemaking is. I f you don’ t have an open
hurting
the feelings o f our mate. Some
line o f comm unication, i f you don’ t have
people
arc
so selfish in the lovemaking
romance, and i f you don’ t have support,
process
that
communications never pro­
athen you can just forget about sexual
gresses to the point where they care
intim acy.
about their mate's needs. This is wrong.
Relationships based on “ animal at­
traction” or purely sex are the ones that
suffers most when it comes to communi-
Lovemaking has a far deeper meaning
than that of sex because it requires
more attentiveness from those
involved. It also demands a greater
sense of responsibility from both
parties and it takes more effo. t to
sustain those bonds already formed.
It is a sacrifice so great that it makes
the reward much more significant, so
much so, that it cannot be measured
through temporary satisfaction.
ship. Peculiarly, people in this situation-
-and there are m a n y -th in k that thcv have
a great relationship. How can hey?
How can anyone think that they have a
solid, loving relationship i f the only time
they really talk to each other is when the
act is the subject that allows openness?
Sexual intercourse w ill take place, but
one o f the partners is not going to be sat­
isfied, because this is the only area that
has been developed.
What is the purpose, then, o f even
discussing what one needs and wants o f
a sexual relationship when some cannot
discuss past hurts, dreams, or pet peeves?
Lovemaking means sharing your thoughts,
caling. In most cases, the attitude is “ I
got (orgasm) mine, I ’m sorry that you
d id n ’ t get yours. See you next tim e...”
It is very im portant that people get to
know their lover and what is important to
them, this goes deeper than making love.
Spending quality time together (couples)
can build trust, increase intim acy and the
level o f com fort in a relationship. Sex on
the run is no fun.
Beyond the issue o f discussing what
is im portant to you or your mate, sexu­
Relationships based on “animal
attraction” or purely sex are the ones
that suffers most when it comes to
communicating. In most cases, the
attitude is “ I got (orgasm) mine, I’m
sorry that you did n ’t get yours. See
you next time... ” It is very important
that people get to know their lover
and what is important to them; this
goes deeper than making love.
i
a lly , is the issue o f sexual history. Your
mate could be uncomfortable w ith sex
because he or she may have been abused
by a fa m ily member, raped, or had some
umpleasant experiences prior to meeting
you. These elements can affect a per­
sons attitude towards relationships, in ti­
macy, or their a b ility to bond w ith an­
other human. Instead o f pressing an­
other person about something that you
m ight like to do, lake the tim e out to
probe or listen to w hy someone is not on
the same page as you. It is not always
about sex. Sometimes, a person can be
reaching out fo r a fr iih d when most guys
are reaching to pull down the panties.
Some women can be just as bad. People
Portland Observer
CLASSIFIEDS
Social Services & Education
New Relief Nursery has positions available:
Program Coordinator, Masters +2 yrs. exp. or Bachelors +5 yrs. exp. in
early childhood education or social sves. Responsibilities include super­
vision of staff, fundraising, and overall program management. Closes
11/26
Intake/Outreach Workers, Masters in child development, sociology, or
social sves. or undergraduate in same field +2 yrs. exp. Skills needed in
outreach, assessments, organization, and effective communication.
Closes 12/1
Interventionist/Teacher, Bachelors in child development, early childhood
education or social sves. +1 yr. exp. working with economically disadvan­
taged families. Responsibilities include supervision. Closes 12/1
Volunteer Coordinator, 1/2 time, requires A. A. +2 yrs. exp. in supervising
volunteers in a child care of social service setting. Responsible for
coordinating the delivery of sves. by volunteers as well as training,
scheduling, and supervision. Closes 12/1
Administrative Assistant, skills needed in bookkeeping, billing, record
keeping, typing, filing and client management. Requires familiarity with
educational programs and special interest in child care. Closes 12/1
PT Cook, 1 yr. exp. in an institutional kitchen setting and ability to
coordinate kitchen activities and plan and prepare nutritional meals for
children. Responsible for kitchen management and supervision of help­
ers. Closes 12/1
Minority applicants encouraged to apply. Resume: VOA-RN, 537 S. E.
Alder, Portland. Oregon 97214
Egual Opportunity Employer
NOTICE OF INVITATION FOR
PRE-CONSTRUCTION CONFERENCE
NEHEMIAH HOUSING OPPORTUNITY PROGRAM
Nortneast Community Development Corporation (NECDC) is seeking con­
struction firms interested in bidding on single-family housing rehabilitation and
single-family housing new construction.
All interested parties are invited to a pre-construction conference which will
outline the specifics of the project and answer any questions pertaining to the
project.
General requirements for construction firms are to be licensed, insured and
bondablo The pre-construction conference will be held, November 15,1990 at 1726
NE Albeta. If you have any questions, please contact Russell Dawson, Housing
Development Director at 282 5482.
RSVP requested by November 13,1990.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR BID
Seated bids for the Langton Hall Pool Balcony Replacement project will be
receivec by the Oregon State Board of Higher Education until 2:00 PM, local time,
November 28,1990. Bids will be opened and publicly read aloud on November 29,
1990, at 2:00 PM local time.
Additional information may be obtained by contacting the OSU Physical Plant,
Adams Hall, Corvallis, Oregon 97331-2001 or telephone 503-737-4921.
should not participate in sexual inter­
course i f that is not what they want or
desire to do. The goal o f m aking love
should be to satisfy the needs o f both par­
ties involved, not one individual. By the
same token, people should tell their mates
how they enjoy making love, where they
enjoy it, and what turns them on or off.
W hy suffer through something that you
do not enjoy or perform an act that you
feel uncomfortable w ith? Teach your
partner how to make love to you. T e ll
your lover about your fan-
__________ tasies, dreams, and show
that you appreciate them
fo r being in your life. You
can never tell a person how
much you care fo r or ap­
preciate them. A lso, sex­
ual intercourse should
never take the place o f an
apology when one i f fo rth ­
coming. Also, sex should
not be used to gain control
in a relationship or to hold
your mate hostage.
Contrary to public
opinion, it is the opinion
o f this columnist that people
do not go into relation-
ships or marriages fo r that
matter, w ith intentions o f
having an a ffa ir or cheating. People go
outside o f relationships o r marriages
because there is a problem at home or
w ith their relationship. M ost people
want to do the rig ht thing, or am I naive
to th ink so? A healthy, robust, or active
sex life is not enough to stabilize a m ar­
riage or keep a relationship intact, but an
unhealthy sex life can destroy a ll. H on­
est communications w ill solve most prob­
lems as they relate to relationships and
love making. A little understanding too.
Yes, making love can be fun. C om m uni­
cations and lovem aking can be reward­
ing, especially when you ’re making love
to someone you love. It can be special.
C om m unity Program
Developer
The State of Washington Department
of Community Development has an
opening for a Community Program
Developer 2 position within the
Employee Ownership Program. This
position pays from $2184 to $2795
per month plus benefits. Interested
applicants must have a minimum of
5 years education and work experi­
ence in a related field including at
least one year s experience work­
ing with employee-owned firms or
providing technical assistance to
businesses. A state application is
required and must be received by
closing time on Monday December
3. To receive an application and full
job description, please call (206)
753-4900.
C ounselor V
FAMILY SERVICES
COORDINATOR
Starting salary S1700-S1850 mo. + bene­
fits. C O D A INC seeks supervisor in
fam ily services program to assist pro­
gram manager in development and
operation o f residential and out-pa­
tient fam ily programs. Supervise 2-5
staff, ovcrsccdiagnosiscvaluation and
treatment o f drug affected infants and
children. Conduct patient training,
perform individual, group and fam ily
treaunent and development, implement
and m onitor policies.
To qualify a master’ s degree in human
services discipline and 2 years rele­
vant experience in including supervi­
sory experience or equivalent arc re­
quired. Expertise in chemical depend­
ency issues and fam ily & children’ s
issues arc very strongly preferred. To
apply submit standard C O D A applica­
tion form including screening ques­
tion responses to address below.
Application materials available at C O D A
Inc., 21» NE 20lh, Portland, OR 97232.
Equal opportunity/alTirm alivc action
employer.
DATA PROCESSING
SYSTEM PROGRAMMER
»Advertising
»Employment
TRAINING
Oregon's second largesf school
district Is currently recruiting a
qualified individual to maintain
and install software to the
DOS/CSE, CICS/VS, VTAM, NCP
operating system including the
maintenance and installation of
vendor supplied software run­
ning on an IBM 4300 series
mainframe. (Must have experi­
ence with the Installation and
maintenance of teleprocessing
network software and hardware.
(Must have experience with both
Assembler and ANS COBOL
programming languages.) Some
experience with micro-com­
puters and local area networks
including LANS and mainframe
integration is desirable. SALARY
$2859-$3653/month.
Interested applicants must com­
plete district application form.
Applications will be accepted
through November 27, 1990. Dis­
trict will pick up employee's
contribution to Public Employees
Retirement System. Reply to Sa­
lem-Keizer Public Schools, Per­
sonnel Services, 1309 Ferry St
SE,
Salem,
OR
97301.
(503)399-3063
Equal Opportunity Employer
CONNECT WITH A CAREER IN CABLE
P A R A G O
C A B L E
N
TRAINING MANAGER
We are currently seeking an outstanding individual to
lead our training and safety functions. Responsibilities will
include the coordination and development of technical,
customer service, management development and safety
programs, implementation of the quality program and
organizational assessments.
As a qualified candidate you must have supervisory
experience, three years of training experience, a degree
in a related area and strong interpersonal and
presentation skills.
PARAGON CABLE
3075 NE Sandy Blvd.
Portland, OR 97232
Equal Opportunity Employer
COUNSELOR
COUNSELOR III
FAMILY COUNSELOR
Starting salary $1232-$13OO month plus benefits.
CODA Inc seeks experienced counselor for family services program to
diagnosis, evaluate and treat caseload of clients; conduct individual,
group, and family counseling, develop and conduct structured educa­
tional groups, consult and coordinate with CSD, participate in other
program activities. Position works Mon-Fri with 2 day & 3 evening shifts.
To qualify: bachelor’s degree in human services discipline and 2 yrs
supervised relevant exper. are required. Experience in treatment of
chemically dependent women strongly preferred.
To apply submit standard CODA application form including screening
question responses to address below.
Application materials available at CODA Inc., 210 NE 20th, Portland, OR
97232.
Equal opportunity/affirmatlve action employer.
Place your advertisement in the
Portland Observer
Office# (503) 288-0033
Fax# (503) 288-0015
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY
CLINICIAN
Impact teenage girls & their families
with chemical dependency prob­
lems. Join treatment team commit­
ted to excellence. Be accountable
for results. Participate in program
innovations. Must be able to work
within 6-10 session framework,
handle resistance & denial, & pro­
duce targeted change. Familiarity
with residential treatment, CSD, ju­
venile corrections & CIRT helpful.
Requires advanced professional
degree & 2 years supervised expe­
rience. License desired. Must be
able to see families some evenings
& weekends. $2000-$2200/mo start­
ing salary, good benefit package
with training opportunities. Call or
write for application kit (no resu­
mes). Applications due by Dec. 5,
1990. Rosemont School Inc., 597
N. Dekum, Portland, OR 97217.
(503) 283-2205. Equal Opportunity
Employer.