July 25,1990 The Portland Observer Page 9
Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?
by Vickie Hughes
Linda picks up the phone to
call her girlfriend, Anita, and here’s
how the conversation goes.
777-9311...
Rrrring...rrring...
Anita: Hello.
Linda: Hi Anita. How are you?
Anita: Fine. What's up?
Linda: Girl, 1 found out that Travis is
cheating on me!
Anita: What! How did you fin d out?
Linda: 1 found a letter from somebody
named Connie. The letter was about
their trip to the beach last weekend and
how much she loves him. 1 can't believe
this. How could he do this to me?
Anita: Did you ask Travis about it?
Linda: Yes and he denied everything.
He said that he was on a business trip
last weekend.
Anita: Dump him, girl. H e's a dog!
Linda: Someone"s at my door. I’ll call
you back.
Anita: Okay, bye.
Linda: Bye.
(click)
Does this conversation sound
familiar? How many times have you
suspected or discovered that your part
ner has cheated on you? Why did your
partner cheat? Although some of you
look for answers in newspaper columns,
there are no clear-cut answers as to why
people cheat in relationships. We are all
unique individuals. No two people are
exactly alike and our motives vary from
person to person. I can give my opinion
but it is good to hear what others have to
say also. I have interviewed 20-25 indi
viduals ranging in age from 21-62. Each
person was asked, “ Why do people cheat
in relationships?” Some people hesi
tated when asked the question; not
because of guilt but because of lack of
understanding. One person even re
sponded and said, “ This is stressful!”
when asked the question. Others gave
in-depth answers. Here are some of the
responses 1 heard from the individuals 1
interviewed
Why do people cheat in relationships?
Male responses
•Men try to see how many women they
can get, in order to compete with their
male friends. It’s an “ ego thing” .
•Men like to sneak around.
•People get bored with their relation
ships and partners.
•Men want to experience new sexual en
counters and to carry out certain fanta
sies.
•The Devil works on a person’s weak
nesses and the person gives in.
■The partner lacks some qualities or is
not up to the person’s standards.
■There is an inability to communicate.
•They are not able to communicate on a
romantic basis.
•People get used to having things one
way and then when things change, they
want things the way they used to be. If
that is not possible, they go elsewhere.
•There may be negative factors in the re
lationship such as distrust, jealousy, or
different personalities.
Why do people cheat in relationships?
Female responses
■Something is not being fulfilled finan
cially, physically, or emotionally.
•People cheat to get attention.
•People are greedy, and feel that * ‘grass
is always greener on the other side” .
•People are generally inquisitive and ad
venturous.
•One partner is not being treated the way
they want to be treated.
•Moral differences exist in the relation
ship.
•The relationship no longer meets their
needs. The new relationship or encoun
ter appears to be more satisfying, have
fewer demands, and require less com
mitment.
•Some people just don’t know any bet
ter.
•People have low self-esteem and are
trying to fill a void within themselves.
They need someone to “ pump them
up” .
•Men are usually the ones who cheat.
Men are dogs!
In my opinion, the desire to
cheat surfaces when something is lack
ing in a relationship whether it be sex,
finances, emotional support, romantic
adventures, or attention. People feel the
need to look outside for something within.
When things go wrong, people do not
think twice about bringing a third party
into their relationship. Is involving
another person or bringing another per
son into the problem truly the answer the
the problem? My question to people
who cheat on their partners is , ‘ ‘Why
stay with your partner if you are un
happy in some way?” If you have to go
to someone else to be happy, you should
stick with that “ someone else” . There
is no reason to continue holding on to a
relationship if it is beyond repair and
there is no hope for reconciliation. 1 am
a very strong believer in working out
problems in relationships but not if the
relationship is a dead-end relationship.
When we are in relationships,
we are dealing with human emotions
that can affect a person for life if the
emotions are bruised or mistreated. If
you are having an affair, put yourself in
your partner’s shoes. How would you
feel if he/she were cheating on you?
And let me ask you this, “ Do you have
a conscience? Do you feel the least bit
guilty?”
You cannot share emotions with
two people at the same time. One per
son will always receive more than the
other because you cannot give your all
to both. I don’t think that’s humanly
possible. Each person you are with
becomes a part-time lover and you don’t
have a complete and fulfilling relation
ship with anyone. You are really cheat
ing yourself.
If you truly want a fulfilling re
lationship you should try things differ
ently with your present partner. Again,
I am a firm believer in problem-solving.
If you foresee any future at all with your
partner, work it out. You two have
already built the foundation for love and
happiness together. Don’t let that foun
dation go to waste! There is no reason
whatsoever to step outside of your rela
tionship to find the missing link if there
is any hope for the two of you. Look
within the relationship and within your
selves. Remember that no one is perfect
and that no relationship is without prob
lems. If you find a good person .hold on
to that person. If the flame has gone out
between the two of you, it can be re
kindled. Herbert Vander Lugt, staff
writerof Our Daily Bread, writes, “ Yes,
warmth and sincere affection can be
brought back into a marriage relation
ship that has grown cold. Love is not
only an emotion we feel but also a deci
sion we make The choice may not be
easy, but it’s really quite simple. Take
the first steps of positive action by pray
ing for your mate and treating him or her
with kindness and consideration. If you
do, the sweet winds of grace will blow
upon the smoldering embers of your
dying marriage. The flame o f love will
break forth anew. Try it. It works.”
Experience new and exciting experi
ence with each other, and one day, the
flame that went out will bum again.
racist country. There is economic sepa
ratism, separatism in housing, educa
tion, and a host of other circumstances
beyond the power of my pen. My intent
is to objectively add potential new per
spectives, enlighten, share my personal
experiences and those of others. By no
means are my observations law.
Sometimes, we as people need to
get beyond individual frustrations, emo
tional baggage, anger, and look at our
own ankles to see the “ chains of igno
rance.” Lastly, I admitted that it is be
yond my comprehension why people
date white knowing that they will marry
black. It is my opinion that if you do not
honestly love or care for another human
being, don’t waste your time. Your youth
fulness, energy, intelligence, and writ
ing aptitude can be better served writing
a “ Teen Column” for this newspaper
rather than attacking me for something
you did not read carefully. Let us hear
from you.
Ullysses Tucker, Jr.
To The Readers:
I have been asked to respond to a
letter that was written to the editor of
The Portland Observer regarding a col
umn I wrote with Ulysses Tucker Jr.,
entitled, “ Why Date White When You
Plan To Marry Black?” I am not writing
this letter to apologize for my opinion
but to clarify my opinion. The letter that
the editor received was from an eighteen
year old girl who is a child of an interra
cial married couple. First of all, let me
say that 1 am not prejudiced and am not
totally against interracial relationships.
My article was addressed to those indi
“ ...regardless of ones moral view,
affairs cause more problems than they
solve. It seems unreasonable to con
clude that anyone would get married (or
involved) and plan to have an affair.
Also it seems reasonable to conclude
that an affair is a sign of unresolved
problems.”
Jeanne Miller & Phil Laut
Love, Sex, & Communications
Trust is very important in a relation
ship. In my observations, there is no
worst feeling than being betrayed or
used by someone you really care about
or love. I’ve been used and I’m most
confident that the majority of readers
out there have had someone cheat on
them or are currently in a relationship
where this is happening. Some people
tolerate the infidelity of their mate and
others and take a walk. Why do humans
cheat on their mate or is it just an acci
dent? Is cheating on your mate a con
scious act? Is it an addiction or sickness?
Regardless of what inspires infidelity, it
seems to me that most people (according
to polls and surveys),cheat at one time or
another. As a young man with future
aspirations to get married, this either
tells me what I have to look forward to,
or what I have to avoid when I am
eventually blessed with a mate for life.
Not one to place great faith in statistics,
it amazes me (the results that is) what
polls and surveys disclose about people.
For example, a woman’s magazine write
in survey of readers found, 80% of the
600 women having an affair with a married
man, and a British sociologist, Annette
Lawson, found in a study that 66% of the
women and 68% of the men have affairs
in their first marriage. Lawson also noted,
in her book “ Love and Betrayal” , that
women use to wait 15 years before they
had an affair-men 11 years. Today,
cheaters indicate that fidelity for women
now last only 4.5 years and 5 years for
men. It’s been said that men find dis
solving a relationship much easier than
women. Without a doubt, I can easily
see why people are skeptical about get
Sincerely,
Vickie L. Hughes, Staff Writer
tern of lying in a relationship (be it for
cheating or not), it goes downhill. Hon
esty is the best policy. Some people con
tend that an affair brought them closer to
their mate and others said that it de
stroyed trust. Personally, you can for
give a person for their “ slip” , but it
would be very difficult to forget what
happened. What’s to prevent it from
happening again in the future? Extra
affairs can cause violence, paranoid
behavior, and divorce. My grandmother
always said that what is done in the dark
shall come to light
Marriage is not a dream world as
some people think it is, but people go
into them with unjust expectations and
behaviors from the past that might affect
interaction with our mate. I’m not sug
gesting that people hold each other hos
tage in relationships or marriage be
cause it’s unrealistic. However, in the
beginning of the encounter, people need
to check out some of their potential
mates before making a serious commit
ment. Those unfaithful patterns can be
right before your eyes. Make that person
earn your respect, love, and affection.
Do not allow yourself to be abused or
used by anyone. You always have a
choice about what and who you want to
deal with or tolerate.
At some point, men and women will
hopefully conclude that everything is
not about sex. We have all gone through
that stage where the more sex-the better.
Unfortunately, some people wait until
they are married to go through this stage
and hurt others in the process. Noticing
my own behavior, I have greatly mel
lowed with age and my attitude towards
sex has changed. I’ve had an opportu
nity to “ sow some wild oats” over the
years and now I’m more responsible. I
also think that I’m less inclined to cheat
because I’ve had the chance to get “ things
out of my system” . There’s no substi
tute for maturity. So, when 1 do get
married, there’s no real urge to get “ out
there” in the streets because as we have
all learned, there’s nothing out there but
trouble. Regardless of your reasons for
cheating on your m ate, it is
wrong.Communications is the key.
rrwtiz/w’.-XijncTM'«
m i
■■■I
viduals who have decided to marry
someone within their own race yet
date outside of their race for ridiculous
reasons.
I am a twenty-seven year old Afri
can American female who no longer
dates for fun. I now date men who I am
interested in sharing a serious commit
ment with. It is my personal preference
to date men of my own race because I
plan to eventually marry one of these
men.I have friends who date or are
married to someone of a different race.I
have no problem with their decisions
because that is what they chose to do.
The girl that responded to my article
implied that I am promoting separa
tism, However, I strongly believe that
everyone should interact with all races
and I expressed my opinion in a previ
ous article on Black/White colleges.
Each week when I write my opin
ion for the Hers/His column, I recog
nize the fact that some people are going
to agree with my opinion and others
will disagree. In the case of my last ar
ticle, I feel that it was misinterpreted.
1 did not state that all white women are
“ tacky” and that all children of inter
racial relationships have problems.
However, my statements were inter
preted that way. I only hope that before
someone forms their own opinion of
my writing, they have read my article
thoroughly and fully understand the
viewpoint 1 am trying to get across. I
am happy to know that the Hers/His
column has invoked so much conver
sation within the community. Keep
reading!
ting married or take their time in the
mate selection process. We are living in
a society of declining morals and values.
Still, it has not affected my desire to be
married and reading such dismal statis
tics only makes me more determined to
do the right thing.
Honest and open communications
with our mate may prevent him or her
from going outside of the relationship.
Unresolved issues lead to stress and
tension, which ultimately leads to one or
the other going outside of the relation
ship to have needs fulfilled or desires
met. Very rarely do I hear men say that
they strayed outside of their relationship
for anything other than sex. All they
wanted to do was the “ nasty” as Spike
Lee mentioned in several of his movies.On
the other hand, I hear women say things
like: he was supportive, a good listener,
gentle, understanding, warm, and just so
happens the sex came along later. I ’m
sure there are women out there who
think like the men I mentioned above,
and more importantly, there are men
who seek the same elements as the women
listed above. I could never understand or
accept why men are perceived as “ studs”
during their quest to sleep with every
women that walks or how women are
labeled as “ sluts” or “ loose” when
they sleep with several men. It’s a seri
ous double standard.
Again, why do people cheat on their
mates? Some people blame it on being
bored, a strong sexual drive that their
mate can or will not accommodate, the
children, feeling neglected, and a host of
other excuses or human problems. For
years, I’ve also stated that as long as it
does not involve a “ third party ” , I would
be more than willing to work the situ
ation out. I refuse to compete with an
other man for the affection of my mate.
Another person can only complicate a
relationship or its’ problems even more.
Everyone is vulnerable to having an
affair, but if it does happen-should you
tell your mate? A person either tells their
mate what is going on or they start living
a lie. The good thing about telling the
truth is not having to remember every
thing you say. When you start the pat
Coming next week: Don't believe what you hear about people; RUMORS
• ./
In Response...
To the Readers:
First of all, I could care less who a
person decides to marry or spend the
rest of their life with. 1 could care less
because I do not have to live with
someone elses’ choices. I stated this
several times in the story. As far as the
allegations implying that I suggested
how “ a black man could not, or might
not provide the same stable home for
interrracial children as he would black
children,” I suggest that you re-read
the story. No where in the story do I
make reference to a black man not
being able to provide (or might not) a
stable home for children born in inter
racial couples. However, I did express
“ my desire to build a strong black fam
ily and be a positive role model for my
black children in the future.” this was
my only reference to fatherhood and
children. 1 also mentioned that black
men need to be around for their chil
dren as opposed to being in jail or dead
from street related activities.
While my desire is to marry a
black woman, there is no telling how a
future wife will come into my life be
cause I believe in the power of love. I
wrote myself “ ...love is a wonderful
thing that no one is supposed to have
control over when it happens. To say
what color I am going to marry would
be limiting my chances (consciously)
or choices of whom 1 could fall in love
with. Love is deeper than that...’’ I
even asked if I would be less of a man
if I did decide to marry outside of my
race. This to me sounds a lot more pro
gressive than someone so limited.
As far as separatism is concerned,
you can take a look at some of the
conditions that exist in America and
see that it existed long before I stared
writing for this paper. We live in a very
By Ullysses Tucker, Jr.
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