MP « ' 0 ^
&
«a1
it»
1
July 4 ,1 9 9 0 The Portland Observer Page 7
HERS. OPINION
TrrTTTT’rrT^--’-
Sex Before Marriage: Yes or No?
...from the perspectives of a male and a female staff writer
By Ullysses Tucker, Jr.
By Vickie Hughes
I
I
I
I
I
|
|
I
I
I
!
I
'
I
Wow! I sure got your attention. I
and of course have fallen in love with.
guess this topic would catch anyone’s
To be able to choose a partner like
eyes. How fitting is it to open this
this,you must be a responsible, mature
article with a Bible verse, Ephesians
adult. I stress the two qualities- respon
2:3... Among who also we all had our
sible and mature. As a friend said, many
conversation in times past in the lust of
of us are responsible enough to use
our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the
precautions and lucky enough not to get
flesh and the mind, and were by nature,
pregnant! I ask all of you teenagers and
the children’s of wrath, even as
young single women “ Are you think
others.Well, that’s a thought-provok
ing of the consequences that may fol
ing verse! In a time when premarital
low if you engage in premarital sex? If
sex is becoming more and more popu
you get pregnant, are you mature enough
lar, one must wonder if we can relate to
to handle these consequences? If the
this verse. Are we
Bible says that pre
really fulfilling the
marital sex is a sin,
Sex enhances a
desires of our flesh
then pregnancy as
and minds or are we relationship, however, it
a result of premari
just fulfilling the de- does not m ake a
tal sex becomes a
sires of our flesh? relationship. Sharing
sin and a mistake.
W hat’s your attitude romantic moments with
Could
about premarital sex?
you deal with your
someone does not always
Premarital sex
mistake?
As
has lost the meaning have to mean having sex.
a woman approach
that was once at
tached to it. premarital sex is self-ex-
ing age thirty, I look back and wonder
planatory. It means to engage in sex
what happened to perseverance and
before marriage. For some it has be-
stamina that was present in past genera
tions. Our parents and their parents tell
come a recreational sport or a game.
We are engaging in premarital sex to
us that years ago, premarital sex and
produce babies, to trap someone into
unwanted pregnancies were not con
doned. They were told that they would
marriage, and to just do it because
everyone else is doing it. We are having
have to wait to have sex. Young girls
sex for the wrong reasons. In a day and
were even sent away to live somewhere
age when sexual diseases are discussed
else if they got pregnant and were looked
down upon. Today, being an unwed
daily, on would think that we would
think twice about having premarital sex
mother is socially acceptable and is
even flaunted in some instances.
and sleeping around.
Why are my generation and teens
Unfortunately, some of us are still
of today so hard-headed when we are
as sexually active as we were before.
asked to wait. Many of our parents and
We have not slowed down a bit or
grandparents waited so why can’t we?
become more selective of our partners.
Is it because today premarital sex has
If you are going to engage in premarital
become the norm? If I took a poll to
sex, it would make more sense to choose
find out how many of us single people
one partner to share this act with. And
are still virgins, I’d get laughed at just
this partner should be one with you
for asking the question. And what’s so
have a serious commitment and under
standing, have discussed marriage with,
sad is that some fourteen and fifteen
year olds would be laughing loo.
' Wouldn’t it be nice if some of us
would practice abstinence? I recently
heard a male say, “ Abstinence results
in masturbation.” That sounds like an
excuse to me! Abstinence builds char
acter, perserverence, and patience.
I’ve heard some people say that
sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I
wonder if they ever thought that maybe
they have had unpleasant experiences
while having sex because they did not
wail long enough to experience making
love with a compatible person. Having
sex just for fun may not be fun.
There is more to a relationsh ip than
the physical aspects of it. There are
ways to spend time with each other and
enjoy each other’s company without
engaging in sex. Sex enhances a rela
tionship, however, it does not make a
relationship. Sharing romantic moments
with someone does not always have to
mean having sex. Think of those ro
mantic moments we’ve shared with
someone when we listened to the waves
crash against the rocks along the beach,
gazed at sights in a museum, smelled
the roses in a rose garden, enjoyed a
candlelight dinner, or talked about life.
Those are romantic moments to me.
Those are moments that we should always
treasure.
The next time you are having a
sexual encounter with someone, ask
yourself if you truly love that someone.
Could you marry that someone? Ask
yourself if you are dealing with the
emotion called love or the act of sex
itself. If your answer is the act itself,
then ask yourself, “ Am I fulfilling the
desires of my flesh or the desires of my
mind?” And now I ask you this ques
tion. “ What is your attitude about
premarital sex?”
"...but fornication, and all unclean
ness or covetousness, let it not be named
once among you, as becometh saints...”
-Ephesians 5:3
intercourse with their m ate.’’Why wait
when you don’t have to?” , is the gen
eral attitude. Men would prefer to
know “ up front” about sexual com
patibility before getting married to
W ebster defines fornication
someone. The questions then becomes,
as” ...voluntary sexual intercourse, gen
is sex the bottom line in building a
erally forbidden by law, between an un
relationship, and what about growing
married man: cf, adultery 2. Bible, any
together? As one gendeman put it, “ you
unlawful sexual intercourse, including
don’t buy a new car without giving it a
adultery b) worship of idols.”
test drive, do you...?” It has been sug
The topic of sex before marriage
gested by some that going without sex
has become an increasingly hot topic
for extended periods of time builds
among single people
stronger values,
these days. Actually,
character, and forces
“...I d o n’t believe in prom is
I had never given it
personal develop
cuity,
but I do believe that ment in other areas.
much thought over
the years because sex the way a person makes love Unlike most of the
has always been a is a reflection of his person men, the women
part of my life, at ality and character; these sharing their opin
least since I became
ions on this subject
are things you, need to know
conscious of what it
did not have a prob
was all about. Sev about a person before you ’re lem going without
eral weeks age, I married... ”
sex until marriage.
published a story en
One
woman, against
-C.B.
titled, “ Stop Flex
sex before marriage,
ing Your Sexual Ego” , and encouraged
feels that guys do not take her seriously
readers to make love to someone they
when sharing her values and convic
love. Needless to say, I received all
tions. Most of them hung around for a
types of praise, criticism, and com
few months, but disappeared when sex
ments about what I wrote. However,
was not forth coming. Out of five guys,
the comment that stood out the most
she said that none of them were willing
was one (frankly) directed towards me
to wait or even consider the possibility.
by a co-worker, who believed that people
Another woman dec ided to stop partici
should not make love at all or at least
pating in sex before marriage because
until they are married.Others reading
most of the men she met were sexually
the column accused me of making their
irresponsible and more concerned with
life difficult (because their women
jumping into her bed than a future to
questioned their relationship) and some
gether. Saying no gives her the oppor
called sex a natural act. Let us explore
tunity to see who is really serious about
the pros and cons of this issue.
building a solid relationship. Other
In todays society, it’s tough enough
reasons for “ saying No” before mar
to cope with everyday realities associ
riage were based on religious beliefs,
ated with careers, racism, and econom
unsuccessful relationships, and personal
ics, not to mention sexual pressures in
choice. It is important to note that sev
rclationships.lt is no wonder that women
eral women believed that sex was very
arc starting to abstain until marriage.
important to a relationship and would
Needless to say, most men have prob
hate to be married to someone who they
lems with this concept and feel like
were not compatible sexually, the same
they do not have to wait that long for
opinion shared by some men. So, is sex
the real issue or is it a matter of values,
religion, morality, or compatibility?
One gentlemen stated that he does
not have a problem with a womens’
“ choice” to abstain from intercourse
as long as it has been her lifelong
commitment. He has problems with
those women, who all of a sudden,
change their minds and expect a guy to
conform right away. The question to
him, what ever happened to an indi
viduals right to change or correct what
is perceived as wrong in their life?
What about a spiritual revelation, or
time to heal from past pain? There is
nothing wrong with a person redirect
ing their values or attitude. No one
should be “ held hostage ” for w hat they
believe in and their position should be
respected. For those worried about not
being compatible sexually, one woman
suggested that couples seek professional
help, talk/work it out together, or speak
with your pastor. Some women, who
were against sex before a marriage,
admitted that they engaged in “ every
thing but the act” (oral sex, etc...) with
their mates. Several men suggested that
these women either totally indulge or
not do it at all. Indeed, there are some
very mixed opinions and emotions on
this topic.
The way it seems now, each gen
erations attitude towards sexual activ
ity has changed over the years. Our
parents got away with more than their
parents and we currently get away with
more than our parents did. I’m almost
afraid to think about what our chil
drens ’-chiIdrcn will be doing at the rate
society or its values are declining. It’s a
real scary thought. As stated in another
column, you can always find people in
the world with the same values as yours,
but remember to respect the people
who do not share your convictions.
Some people would just prefer to wait,
what about you?
Schools: Education or Social Services
1990
AFRICAN AMERICAN
FESTIVAL
BUFFET BREAKFAST
Sunday, July 8,1990
8:30 am -11:00 am
LYON’S RESTAURANT
MLK BLVD.
Portland, Oregon
$5.00 per person
«
1
(Part 2 continued from last week)
Much of what schools do is at the
direction of elected officials in Wash
ington, D.C. and Salem.
There are those “ little” mandated
responsibilities such as encouraging the
planning, protection and preservation
of trees and shrubs during Arbor Week
and commemorating and instructing
about activities of women in histroy
during Frances E. Willard Week.
Also furnishing a comprehensive
alcohol-and drug-abuse program; main
taining appropriate and accessible al
ternative programs; educating children
in youth-care centers, hospitals and in
specially designed programs; furnish
ing programs for the talented and gifted
and in career education; having an age-
appropriate plan of instruction about
AIDS, ARC, HIV and Hepatitis B.
Plus screening for hearing , vision
and immunization; providing a preven
tion-oriented health services program;
administering, recording and reporting
on achievement testing; providing a co
ordinated counseling and guidance pro
gram; maintaining a comprehensive
safely program and providing a coordi
nated media program.
At the federal level, schools face
Section 504 of the Civil Rights Act.
That legislation conveys as a civil right
all benefits, programs and activities in
the public schools to handicapped stu
dents, parents and employees. Public
Law 94-142 extends educational serv
ices and any related services needed for
the handicapped student to benefit from
education.
The Asbestos Hazard Emergency
Response Act requires the U.S. Depl. of
Education to set conditions, review and
eventually approve management plans
from local school districts.
There are 16 state agencies with
direct rule-making authority over ma
jor activities of local school districts
and 35 other agencies with authority in
lesser areas.
Responsibilities that once belonged
to the home, to religious training, to
various state, county and city agencies
have been shifted to local schools and
are a fact of current education life as we
know it.
But, just to avoid any misunder
standing, we would do most of it any
way if it were within our financial
ability .Why? Because society’s institu
tions that have cared for our children in
the past arc no longer doing so.
It is necessary for schools to back
fill for society’s failures so academic,
cognitive and affective education can
take place. If schools don’t do it, who
will? What would our community be
like if the schools ere not there for those
services?
A M AJOR SCHOOL REFORM
PLAN:
Now for a radical suggestion. I’m
almost afraid to make it. I’m worried
that it will be ignored as rhetoric, or
worse, as pandering. I may even be
more afraid that you will know I am
serious and take me upon it quickly and
in large numbers.
Portland Public Schools developed
a major initiative this past year. It envi
sions the community working with local
schools. We call it the STAR Plan.
We have seen a plethora of studies, re
search and quasi-research reports with
“ new” ideas for how to correct public
schooling. There have been so many
such reports that there arc even a few
dozen reports on the reports.
1 don’t discount those reports, but,
really, our children can’t use any more
innovative or curative ideas right now.
We know there arc still many reforms
that will help improve the education of
our children, but what will do the most
good now is your involvement.
We want your heart, your energy,
you. We don’t need your letters or
telephone calls or more suggestions,
criticisms, blue-ribbon panel reports or
legislative mandates.
Instead, we need you to become a
part of the STAR Plan. Go to a Portland
public school nearest your home or
business and volunteer for an hour a
week or an hour a day.
Ask your employer to become a
partner in the Star Plan. Encourage
your employer to support developing
the next-generation work force through
a range of company-sponsored activi
ties and by allowing you time to make
contributions by becoming involved.
We also want the general community,
businesses and legal, architectural,
medical and other professional firms
to step up. We are held accountable
for what we do. Are you willing to be
accountable for roles and activities in
the schools for yourself, your busi
ness, your company, your firm?
Here is the important request. If
you can represent a business of any
size, contact the Business Youth Ex
change (BYE), the school district’s
partner at the Portland Chamber of
Commerce. Ask to be placed in the
Matrix for Business and Professional
Involvement.
The Portland School District’s
Public Information Depl. and BYE
will show you what other companies
have done, expose you to models of
activities, help you discover what
schools need and can use. They then
will match what you and your com
pany are willing to offer with particu
lar schools and their needs. It may
take some time and negotiation, but
we’ll help you figure out what fits.
Arc the public schools success
fully addressing the social needs of
our children? I hope so. Schools will
continue to urge the federal , state,
county and city governments to do
what we believe is appropnatc to meet
those same needs.
We will continue to help parents
do what only they can do best. Now,
however, we need your direct involve
ment as individuals and corporations.
Together, we can get done what none
of us can do alone.
Reach for a STAR.