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June 27,1990 The Portland Observer Page 5
hfrs I opinion
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Why Do People Stay in Dysfunctional
Relationships
..and when is it time to leave the relationship?
By Vickie Hughes
As a young Black woman attem pt­
ing to answ er these questions, I invite
you to take a journey through a Black
w om an's m ind and exam ine a dysfunc­
tional relationship from beginning to
end. As we begin our journey I rem ind
you to put yourself in her shoes. First,
let us begin with this scenario: This
Black w om an, w e’ll call her Sheila,
meets a man and the tw o are instantly
attracted to each other. Both are single
and decide to spend tim e w ith each
other in efforts to determ ine w hat can
develop from these encounters. The
first couple months are spent im press­
ing each other w ith flow ers, cards, at­
tention, and quality time. Sheila loves
all the attention, but one day the atten­
tion she has com e to love disappears.
W hen this fantasy ends, true identities
surface and it is tim e for them to get to
know each other for w ho they really
are. And now the challenge begins...
As Sheila faces the challenge which
is “ Can w e make this last?” , she is
searching for ways to fit her partner into
her life. A fter months o f juggling her
lifestyle and schedule, Sheila discovers
that this man simply does not fit yet she
continues on with this relationship. At
this point, Sheila’s relationship has be­
com e a dysfunctional relationship. And
now I ask you, “ W hy does Sheila stay
in this relationship?” If you cannot
answ er this question, step aw ay from
Sheila for a moment.
In my opinion, again I’m speaking
from a Black fem ale’s perspective, the
first leap tow ard a dysfunctional rela­
tionship begins when people get too
com fortable in a relationship and they
d o n ’t feel it’s necessary to give their
partner the same attention they gave at
the onset o f the relationship. I’ve heard
so m any w om en com plain about men
w ho w ine and dine them when a rela­
tionship begins and then when they
think they have you, all this attention
and affection dim inishes. I say to you,
brothers and sisters, le t’s keep love
alive. As the singer Christopher W il-
liams sings, we should “ Never Let Our
Love D ie’ ’. W hy do we let the good re­
lationships fall aDart to become dys­
functional relationships? Being con­
tent with the ways we show love may be
the solution to avoiding dysfunctional
relationships. Open communication and
com prom ise are the key.
Dysfunctional relationships take on
many forms. I can list several situ­
ations that may be present in these
types o f relationships:
-one or both individuals are subject to
em otional/physical abuse
-one person depends on the other to get
them through each day
-the tw o partners do not share the same
goals, lifestyles, or backgrounds
-the partners are not on the same m atur­
ity level or do not w ant the same type of
com m itm ent
-one or both people do not com m uni­
cate
Again the question comes to mind,
* ’W hy do we stay in dysfunctional rela­
tionships?” I ’m sure that we are all
guilty of doing this at some point in our
lives. I feel that people stay in these re­
lationships because they are afraid of
being alone and may w ant to hold on to
their partner until someone better comes
along. A fter reading a recent Essence
article that focused on women who
have affairs as a result o f unhappy
.rriages, I am strongly convinced that
• as w om en stay in dysfunctional re-
lauonships because society places so
m uch emphasis on being with some-
one/having someone. We are supposed
to fall in love, get married, and live
happily ever after. As a result, we fear
being alone because society will exam ­
ine us and think, “ T here’s something
wrong with her".
W e m ust learn to love ourselves.
O nly then can we realize that being
alone, tem porarily or perm anently, is
not so bad. For whatever reasons, it is
not healthy to stay in dysfunctional
relationships. I personally would pre­
fer to be happy by m yself instead of
being miserable with som eone else.
If we find ourselves in dysfunc­
tional relationships we must decide when
it is time to leave them behind. It is
tim e to leave when our self-esteem ,
pride, and sanity are at stake. It is tim e
to leave when you find that your life is
going in a different direction than your
m ate’s life. By this I mean when your
lifestyle is changing, you are m oving
ahead and striving to achieve your goals
and your mate is happy with his/her life
the way it is,It is tim e to leave when you
and your mate do not agree on w hat you
w ant out o f the relationship. It is time
to leave when the tw o o f you stop com ­
municating. It is tim e to leave when
you are em barassed o f or unhappy with
your mate. And m ost im portantly, it is
time to leave when you have put all of
your m ate’s needs and desires before
your own and G o d ’s.
Many women feel that they cannot
make it w ithout a man. Contrary to
popular belief, w e are surrounded by
many single w om en, even single m oth­
ers, w ho have m ade it on their ow n.
Som e o f these women have gone on to
becom e quite successful. It am azes me
when I m eet a woman who cannot func­
tion w ithout a man in her life. Black
women have been strong people ever
since our race cam e into existence.
Learning to be strong and independent
builds character.
Do not becom e Sheila. If you find
yourself in a dysfunctional relation­
ship, challenge yourself and build up
the courage to leave. Evaluate your life
and strengthen your self-esteem. D on’t
make excuses as to why you shouldn’t
leave your m ate. Instead, think o f all
the reasons why you m ust leave your
mate. Let go o f your relationship and
go on with your life. The right person
will com e along one day. Plunge for­
ward and don't look back.
F E S T I V A L
A M E R I C A N
T H E A F R I CAN
WANTS YOU TO BE A STAR!!
*+*+*+»+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
GOSPEL
C H L L L i
RAPPERS
MUSICIANS
SINGERS
ACTRESSES
ACTORS
POETS
MAGICIANS
COMEDIANS
DANCERS
THE 1990 AFRICAN AMERICAN FESTIVAL
MARKET & ENTERTAINMENT CENTER
W h e n : S aturday
10 ah -8 ph
JULY 21 —
S unday
JULY 22 —
10 ah -6 ph
FERNHILL PARK
92 nd & NE K illingsworth
ïtttW
*+ ♦ + ♦ + *+ *+ •+ *+ *+ •+ *+
PUT YOUR TALENT WHERE IT COUNTS!
...FOR "ORE
CALL
INFORMATION,
281-7655
or
620-9951
By Ullysses Tucker Jr.
“ ...an assertive method of ending a re­
la tio n sh ip
d o es
not
in clu d e
sarcas m ,deg rada lion ,hum iliation,oror
blam ing self or others. 1 f y ou dec ided to
leave an unhappy relationship and be
firm, there are no guarantees that your
partner won’t harbor hostile or depressed
feelings about the change.”
Mary Ann Klausner
Bobbie Hasselbring
Author, A ch in g F o r L o ve
Recently I ran into an old friend at
the Safew ay, who I had not seen in over
six years. She was recently divorced
and very happy. In her marriage o f five
years, my friend was psychologically
and physically abused by her husband.
I thought it was none o f my business, I
asked her why she endured the situation
for so long and to say the least, I was
shocked at her answer. My friend said
that for a very long time she did not
realize how he was abusing her.
Is that possible? As we talked more, I
learned that her father had (and still
does) physically and psychologically
abused her mother for years. My friend
accepted the abuse from her husband
because it seemed like normal behavior
to her. Her parents have been married
for 27 years and “ mother’’ never thought
about leaving, so why should she? My
friend, b a sic a lly , grew up with an atti­
tude that accepted abuse.
Thank god for her sisters sugges­
tion to get help. No one should be
subjected to any type of physical or
psychological abuse, be it in marriage
or a relationship.
Many people find it difficult to end
or leave a relationship. I m most confi­
dent that we all know family members
and friends in dysfunctional relation­
ships. W hy is it so difficult to leave a re­
lationship for some people? If you re­
flect on it for a moment, we leave rela­
tionships all the time and it is a rather
simple process in my opinion.
Just think what it would be like to still
have all of your old relationships still
hanging around you? We leave all the
time...
A separation, divorce, or ter­
m ination o f a relationship or a union
does not mean that someone has failed
or should be blamed for what went
wrong. People change and grow apart
from each other. You are not the same
person, at thirty, that you were at age
twenty. I’ve definitely changed and
matured over the years, believe me. In
the process, I have found and lost love.
I’ve done wrong by people and people
have done wrong by me. I ’ve left rela­
tionships and people have left me for
one reason or another. No one is perfect
or immune from this phenomenon. As a
human, only you con determine whether
your current relationships or marriage
is serving the purpose or conclude
whether it is good or bad for you. I’ve
always said that if it does not involve
another person, via infidelity, people or
couples should be able to work out a
positive solution through their church
or seek professional help-that if it means
that much to the parties involved.
People make all types of excuses
for not leaving unhealthy or dysfunc­
tional relationship. Excuses like not
wanting to be alone, fear o f not finding
another mate, the kids, economics, good
sex, and a host of other reasons. Are you
in a dysfunctional relationship or mar­
riage? are you happy or are your just
tolerating the situation? Does your mate
consistently violate the principles of
your relationship or marriage? Is there
constant justification for criticism .public
humiliation, lying, disrespect or un­
willingness to adequately communicate
and do what is necessary to m ake the
encounter functional? Sometimes, people
act strangely or fail to cooperate be­
cause they do not want to be the first to
leave the relationship. In the process,
th ey w ith h o ld c o m m u n ic a tio n s,
love,sex .intimacy, and basically act like
jerks.
Have you made a serious effort to
make the relationship or marriage work?
If you have made an honest attem pt to
make it work and find yourself still in a
“ dead end” then leave.
Everyone deserves to be happy. No one
should deprive you o f that right. In
closing, could you have a relationship
with yourself? Chances are if you real­
ize that you would be a hard person to
d a te - it would definitely be hard for
someone else to endure you. People
should realize that it is them (som e­
times) or their destructive personality,
not the other person, that doom ed the
relationship. If your relationships end
consistently in the same pattern, it might
be time for self- re-evaluauon or for
some help.If you do not like yourself,
how can someone else like you?
In this day and age of moral decay,
racism, career competition,declining
values, and general d e sp a ir-
the last thing a person should w ant is
tension or friction from the person they
love the m o st Granted relationships are
not easy and good relationships have to
be worked on.
You want someone to be under­
standing, loving, supportive o f your
dream s/goalsrespectful o f your wishes
and more importantly, you want a good
listener. You deserve these elements.
So does the person in your life. If you
are not getting the love you w ant and
deserve, it is my advice that you seek
other options.You do not need anyone
else to be unhappy or to do bad, it is so
easy to do that alone.
Schools: Education or Social Services
By Matthew Prophet
Part I o f a Two-Part Series
News reports o f the Portland Board of
Education’s final budget balancing for
next year prom pted several responses
from the community.
Some were very positive and lauda­
tory about the openness of the process,
the extensive citizen involvem ent and
the clear directions provided by the
school board’s goals and objectives.
D isconcerting, however, were the more
negative statements-the complaints about
spending on “ social needs.
“ Social needs” are important:
The world continues to change
rapidly and today’s generation o f chil­
dren is seeing, feeling and facing things
on a scale not even imagined by most
m ost of the needs o f children. W e can­
out in Iron Curtain countries; assassina­
not turn our heads, cannot blink it aw ay.
tions o f John F. Kennedy, Robert Ken­
Required
and Transferred Responsibili­
nedy, M edgar Evers and Martin Luther
ties
King Jr.; W atergate, Irangate; brow n­
Just as our children’s world has changed,
outs, acid rain, ozone-layer holes, Bra­
the events I noted have also changed
zilian rain-forest depletion; supersonic
public education. W e have been pushed
jets, high tech, television, computers,
from a simple Three-Rs approach to
microcomputers, lap-top computers,
giving attention to equal access to all
lasers; atomic weapons, Hiroshima,
students regardless o f race, economic
Nagasaki, Three-M ile Island, Cherno-
level, handicap or ability.
bil; marijuana, LSD, speed, heroin,
As we have approached equal access,
cocaine, crack, ice; Bloods, Crips, Asian
the focus has changed to trying to pro­
gangs, Aryan Youth.
vide equal outcomes. T hat m eans we
In, 1955 fully 60 percent o f United
are now seeking more equity in the
States households included a working
results of education and w hat is learned
father, a housew ife-m other and two or
by all children o f all races and social
more school-aged children. By 1985,
classes.
that "ty p ic a l” family represented only
adults.
More than 90 percent o f today’s adult
seven percent of America’s households.
Legal requirements have multiplied
population
attended public schools. The
Households of two working parents or
a hundred-fold in the past 25 years.
world
prominence
A merica now holds
single parents make it im possible for
And we are greatly reform ing our ef­
in
fields
such
as
space
technology, sci­
many parents to be as involved as they
forts in Portland Public Schools and
ence,
business,
m
edicine,
electronics,
should bc-indeed as most would like to
inviting everyone to join us-to become
worldwide
com
m
unications
and even
be-in caring for their children and sup­
our partner, to work with us-within the
sports
is
due
largely
to
the
work
and
porting their schooling.
plan we have outlined as we reach for
achievements
of
graduates
o
f
public
W e cannot underestimate the nega­
new possibilities for our children.
schools.
tive
influences
of youths watching tele­
A CHANGING WORLD
Many of us are worried that we may
vision for many too many hours, o f un-
"W h y can’t things be the way they
lose that prominence.
supervised activities, o f drug and alco­
used to be?
Besides expanding the Three-Rs, what
hol abuse, of teen pregnancy, of pov­
For the m ost of this century, the
are the schools doing?
erty and child abuse.
‘ ‘basics’ ’ have been more than reading,
Because the world continues to change
Our children live a more rapidly
w riting and arithm etic. Reading is at
rapidly-and because schools are the
changing and very different world than
least English literature, study of the
identified institution for m eeting the
experienced by today’s adults.
classics, com parative literature. W rit­
needs of children-the schools provide
In the increasingly complex, fast-paced,
ing m ust focus on theme developm ent,
breakfast and lunch to m any students,
intricately interwoven ethos o f our city,
expository essays, com position and
regularly check their hearing, vision
who will take care o f the young? Can
structure. Arithmetic must include al­
and teeth and instruct them in hygiene
schools provide education while ignor­
gebra, trigonom etry and advanced cal­
and nutrition.
ing the social erosions that have and are
culus.
Schools carry the main burden for inte­
taking place?
And we do teach science-biology, phys­
grating neighborhoods and providing
Can children concentrate on gaining an
ics, geology and anatomy-plus a num ­
recreation. Schools teach safe driving
education when they have no homes to
ber of other academ ic courses.
habits and help students learn convinc­
return to at night, are painfully hungry
Think o f w hat ha« happened in the
ing arguments against the abuse of drugs.
and have em otionally absent parents?
world in just the past 50 years:
Schools counsel the upset, encourage
Can we expect uniform success by stu­
W orld W ar II, Korea, Vietnam; U.S.
the listless, search for the absent, p ro ­
dents who live in neglected and unsafe
involvem ents in Central America, A f­
vide for the uninterested, m otivate the
neighborhoods?
rica, A sia, the Middle East; world
lackadaisical and c h a lle n g e the
Society clearly has made schools the
com m unism , coexistence, detente, per-
gifted.(continucd next w eek)
basic institutional structure for meeting
istroika; the erection and dem olition of
the Berlin W all, democracy breaking
1
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