Portland Observer, March 4 ,1 9 8 2 Page 7
To your mental health
Growing successful families
by Barbara Gaines
M y best friends grew up in fam
ilies. Sounds funny? The ract is that
I ’ ve never met anyone who wasn’ t
an expert on his or her own family.
H ave you ever sat around w ith a
group o f friends and exchanged an
ecdotes about families? Someone
will share with pride how his or her
fam ily encouraged him or her in a
career choice, someone w ill share
how church attendance or school
performance was an explicit expec
tation in his or her fam ily, another
will blame his or her fam ily for all
their troubles. W hatever the tale,
one will get a sense o f the lasting im
print our families leave on our lives.
The d iffic u lt question then, is
how we grow successful fam ilies.
One important ingredient in grow
ing a successful family is in encour
aging each member to be his own
person. Each o f us is an authority
on our own experience. No two per
sons have the same thoughts, wants
and feelings. We all have a need to
be heard. Self-esteem grows out o f
being accepted and valued for our
own uniqueness. A family offers the
first and best way o f learning this.
Providing time and space for indi
viduals is also important. It is easier
for people to jo in and enjoy being
w ith each other when they also
know that they can be alone. When
people learn to be alone c o m fo rt
ably, they learn to tap their inner re
sources. The reverse is true also.
Fam ilies need o p p ortu n ities to
build. Cultivating togetherness can
be fostered by allowing members to
care and show concern fo r each
other; by allowing members to han
dle their own issues directly w ith
each o th er. M o th er-s o n , fath er-
mother, sister-aunt, cousin-cousin,
or what other com binations your
fam ily holds. Times to listen, eat,
play or just ta lk . “ T a lk ” . . .this
leads me to think o f the importance
o f conversation. Conversation is a
way that we exchange messages. In
my family, conversation is spontan
eous and filled with interruptions.
In fo rm a tio n gets freely bounced
around. However, when one o f us is
happy, sad or angry, any one o f us
will respond. In your fam ily, con
versation might be more low-keyed,
members might give o ff more subtle
messages about how they feel. The
important thing is to encourage dis-
cussion without damaging anyone’ s
self-esteem or hurting anyone physi
cally. Remember that all fam ilies
have conflicts, the fact that we are a
group o f individuals living together
will generate conflict. When d iffe r
ences can be expressed and dealt
with as they arise, no one is afraid
o f anyone else. N eg o tiatio n is the
key.
W e can enrich our fam ilies. W e
can develop a caring center in our
homes, a place where people can be
cuddled, supported, feel loved and
enjoy being together. A place where
one gets approval, perhaps the only
place where one gets a ffirm e d .
These are the times we remember.
These are the times we celebrate. Wc
can no longer leave our families to
chance. The whole is greater than its
parts.
N O T E : Barbara Gaines is on staff
at N /N E C o m m u n ity M en tal
H ea lth C en ter. I f you have ques
tions or would like to talk w ith
someone, call the C enter at 239-
8871. T h e C enter also o ffe rs 24-
hour, 7-days-a-week crisis service
that can be reached at 239-8871. The
center is open 8:30 am-8:3O pm, M -
F, and 8 am-3 pm Saturdays.
M el H a m ilto n . Edna P ittm a n . Gladys M c C o y ,
and Michael Benjamin cut the ribbon at the N /N E
eing a refugee
(Continued fro m page I column 3)
welfare and the amount o f money
that a person makes fro m a part-
time or temporary jo b is deducted
from their welfare check.
M apy people are moving out o f
Oregon to states where the welfare
guidelines aren’t as harsh and where
there is more farm work. Carol H al
vorson comments: “ I see a vicious
little game being played w ith the
lives o f the refugees. First the gov
ernment said they would assist them
for 36 months, then they cut it to 18
months. The Miens fought for the
C IA and were told that they would
be taken care o f no m atter what
happens. One man hung himself be
cause he was told his fa m ily was
going to be cut o ff from welfare. He
was an im p o rtan t person in Laos
and not being able to take care o f
his fam ily left him feeling totality
defeated. The same day mail arrived
from welfare telling him that his aid
would be extended.
"F o r Vietnamese and Cambodian
boat people that faced Thai pirates
the trauma level is amazing. It is an
exceptional case where rape, ro b
bery and b ru tality d id n ’ t happen.
After going through all o f that they
shouldn’ t be forced through any
more traumatic situations that can
be avoided,** adds P inky D ale o f
W orld Relief. W orld Relief is part
o f a consortium of agencies working
to help refugees.
The stories about Thai pirates are
n otorious. They would tow V ie t
namese and other refugees' boats
toward a tiny uncharted island some
fifty miles o ff the coast o f Thailand.
Once ashore, the pirates held rifles
pointed at (he-refugees as they sep
arated the men from the women and
young girls. While some guarded the
men, others took the women and
girls into the bushes o f the island
and raped them repeatedly. Then
they returned and stood guard while
the other pirates took their turn in
the bushes.
There are other stories such as
gold teeth being pried from people’s
mouths with a hammer and screw
driver and the pirates sinking ships
filled with refugees and watching
them drown.
The horror stories from the G ulf
o f Thailand arc not the only parts o f
the tragedy lived by the boat people.
Conditions aboard the boats were
unimaginable; the idea was to put as
many escapees aboard as possible,
and in storms and bad waters they
died by the thousands.
Travel on foot was no less grue
some. One Vietnamese refugee told
me through an interpreter about a 7-
day trek from Vietnam to C a m
bodia and on to T h ailand. He had
to carry his brother half the way on
his back, and another person travel
ing with them was shot down.
A fte r struggling through all o f
this, refugees must struggle again
for a foothold in a strange new land.
The adjustments are painful and the
culture-shock extreme. But both are
confronted quietly.
"They are depressed because they
miss home. They miss the hills o f
Laos. They miss the cities o f
Vietnam,*’ Pinky Dale added.
•‘ Everyone in my class lost some
one to w ar. M an y d o n 't know if
their fam ily members in Laos are
dead or a liv e ,*’ C aro l H alvorson
continued.
For the most part the children are
assim ilating in to the A m erican
mainstream very well.
"Th e va« majority o f the kids do
very well. The older ones have more
d iffic u lty than the younger ones.
Many o f the refugees held positions
o f respect in their own country and
now they have to depend on the kids
to com m unicate for them ,** says
M a ry F u lto n , a supervisor o f the
English as a Second Language pro
gram at the old site o f Adams high
school.
"M ost o f the kids don’t have very
many problems adjusting. We try a
lot o f different approaches depend
ing on a kid's a b ility le v e l," vice
principal A iken told me at C leve
land high school.
Bob Hyp, a teacher at Adams, ex
plains the culture shock o f moving
to a new land. "There are five stages
o f cultu re shock. F irs t, there is a
sense o f euphoria. Secondly, they
recognize the conflicts between their
culture and the new culture. There is
a tendency to reject new culture at
this point. T h ird , they accept new
culture and begin to understand it
fairly well. Fourth, they reject the
old culture and become ’super* A m
erican. F ifth , they reach a balance
and are able to keep a foot in both
worlds."
M an y o f the refugees have en
riched the lives o f their new country.
Despite the events that made them
refugees, civilization and humanity
have returned.
There is a great need for clothes.
I f you have any clothes, furniture,
food, jobs or time to donate to your
new neighbors, call C arol H a lv o r
son at 288-7839 or P inky D ale at
World Relief, 223-0106.
Even as we look at the refugee sit
uation o f Indochina, new refugees
are being created. There are two to
three times as many persons in a
refugee status in A frica as in Asia.
Refugees are a worldwide problem
and one which w ill not disappear
until the world shows a great deal
more social order.
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