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About Morning Oregonian. (Portland, Or.) 1861-1937 | View Entire Issue (May 20, 1914)
10 TiTE aroRxiyg oregontax. Wednesday, mat 20, 1914. 2ff (Bwgmxm rOBTLAND, UBEGOM. Entered at Portland, Ores o a. Fostoffice as second-class matter. EuuscrtpuoB Kit u s lnvsrlsblj In Advance: (BI MAIL) Xallj-, Sunday Included, one rear 8-t!? iJally. Sunday Included, elx months. . . . XVaijy, Sunday Included, three moothl.. J Laily, Sunday Included, one montn. . . . Lany, without Sunday, one year -- Lliy, witnout Sunday, eta moDtbR Lauly, witdout Sunday, tnree mitntna., liaijy, witnout Sunday, one mnma Weenly, one year J-gJ tiunuay, one year. -u bauluf sua Weekly, one year M IVX OAKHIKK) , Dally, Sunday Included, one year. . ... 9-$9 iJauy. Sunday Included, one month..-- -7a Mow to ttemit Send postofnoe money or der, express order or personal cnecK on your local bault. Stamps, coin or currency are at sender's risk, liiva postotuce aauxe in tun. tiiuiuainv county and state, Foe luge Hates 1Z to 10 paces, 1 cent: IS to i- pases, 2 cents; at to & pases, 3 cents; M u en pases, 4 cents; to pases, tents; 7s to w2 pasea o cents. Jforeisn post sse, double rates. lis tern Business Offloes Verree 4b Conk Itn. Mew XotIl, Jrunwidc buUdins Cni rsso. stcger building ban Francisco tlinoa it. J. Sidwell Co. 14 Market street. . rOSTLA'D, WEDNESDAY, MAY 20 1914. GOOD 1'EEIXXO. Dr. Withycombe is to be envied. He has not only the good will of all his neighbors, without regard to party, but he has the hearty wishes of the erstwhile opposing guber natorial candidates. Mr. Crawford pledges his support, and congratulates the winner "for the absolute fairness with which he con ducted his campaign." Air. Moser promptly and generously declares his purpose to be for Dr. Withycombe 'in every manner." Mr. Carter says he has privately "assured Dr. Withy combe of his hearty support and wishes to assure him of it publicly." Mr. Geer says, "I am going to do all I can to elect him." Mr. Johns pre dicts his election "by an overwhelm ing majority" and says, "I shall take eff my coat." Mr. Dimiek will "go out in the campaign this Fall, and make as hard a fight for him as I did for my own nomination." Besides all these pleasant felicita tions, Mr. Grant, who made a re markable run for Attorney-General, and who carried his own county (Multnomah) by an enormous vote, snd was obliged to succumb only to the superior strength of his opponent through the state, warmly assures Mr. Brown of his "hearty and undivided support." It is the era of good feeling among Republicans. Such men deserve well of their party and of the public. They have done much to put Oregon poli ties on a high plane. Some day the situation may be reversed, and they will reap, as they deserve, what they have sown. REVISING HISTORY. Of all human inventions it seems as though history were the most fluctuating and unstable. Today you have a beautiful tale thrilling with romance. Tomorrow along comes the fatal critic with his ac cursed shears and cuts it off like a withered sunflower. Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble, but his lot is enviable com pared to that of the famous historical characters. Their fitful career is one long ordeal of disdainful sneers, contemptuous doubts and flat denials. No sooner does a lovely myth get itself established in the school his tories than somebody who ought to he in better business calls it a lie. Thus the impressionable mind of youth is kept in a perpetual turmoil. Our children are told one day that a etory is gospel and the next that it is, worse than fiction. If this keeps up how long will it be before they begin to doubt the multiplication table and the laws of spelling? What will become of the orthographical triumphs of the boys and girls of Clackamas County unless we stay the fell hand of the destruc tive critic? William Tell has become a figment of the imagination under this ruinous onslaught of skepticism. Tocahontas is relegated to the realm of myths. Helen, who armed a thou sand ships and burned the topless towers of Ilium, turns out to be noth ing more substantial than a vision of the night. If this goes on unchecked where shall we stop? is nothing safe from the tongue and pen of the destroyer? The agitators who spare neither man nor woman will presently direct their blows ugainst higher things and we shall have them doubting the truth of the first chapter of Genesis. The last precious monument to suf fer from their ruthless attacks is Mrs. O'Leary's cow. It is well known, or it was well known before all the foundations of history had been shaken, that this animal was respon sible for the pieat Chicago fire. Her mistress, the far-famed Mrs. O'Leary, on a certain Monday, which was washing day, was late with her milk ing and had to illuminate the rite with a kerosene lamp which she un wittingly set on the stable floor with in reach of bossy's heels. The rest need not be related. Chicago went up in smoke and Mrs. O'Leary took her place among the immortals in the starlit halls of fame. I'.ut it seems she is not to stay there without a contest. Oh, these reck less iconoclasts, what will they threaten next? A Mrs. Rebecca Thrift has appeared on tho scone with a deathbed confession. We hove always had our suspicions of these deathbed affairs. They smack too much of u last desperate bid for notoriety to please our fancy. But never mind. The unspeakable Re becca testifies that Mrs. O'Leary's glory-haunted cow had nothing what ever to do with the Chicago fire. Xor had Mrs. O'Leary herself anything to do with that dread catastrophe. If w may believe the suspiciously re pentant Rebecca it was she herself who started the conflagration. But happily we need not believe her unless we want to. Mr. Balfour, the great British statesman, has proved in a sumptuous volume that belief is entirely a matter of choice. We may or we may not, just as we like. Evidence has nothing to do with it. It Is a pure affair of choice and preference. The same doctrine has been beautifully expounded and reinforced by our own laurel-crowned William James, whose Will to Believe" proves that noth ing is credible and nothing incredible hut wishing makes it ao. Hence for those who wish to put Mrs. Thrift on Mrs. O'Leary's pedes tal there is nothing to do but put her there and get what benefit they can out of their horrid deed. For those of us who prefer to fix our faith on the lady whose claim is ancient and truly respectable no weakening Is tolerable or necessary. The truth of history is what we make It and as far as we are concerned we choose to hold that Mrs. O'Leary's cow upset the fateful lamp. While we are about it we may as well add that we have the same invincible faith in Poca hontas and William Tell. THE DIFFERENCE. The Hillsboro Independent betrays its stand-pat leanings. Was it not decided four years ago, or there abouts, that a public Republican as sembly is a wicked betrayal of the people and particularly of the pri mary law? Has it not been ac cepted doctrine everywhere, through gubernatorial precept and common practice, that private assembly is the exclusive prerogative of the Demo cratic elect? The Independent is a base reactionary. See to what depths of political depravity it descends when it dares to criticise the Demo crats of Washington County for nom inating a slate of candidates in as sembly. In another column will be found the Independent's profane comment on that sanctified pro ceeding. The Republican candidates of Washington County, it seems, faith fully following the letter and spirit of the primary law, filed their nominat ing petitions and began the labors of the campaign. But the Democrats waited until the legal period had lapsed, and then held an assembly and nominated candidates and made an appeal for votes. The'lndepend ent is unable to understand why the Democrats who denounced assembly four years ago promote assembly in 1914. The difference is plain, of course. The Democrats have always done it. Governor West holds a little assem bly of his own, with a few choice friends, and puts out a candidate for Governor. Postmaster Myers calls together an assembly of the faithful at the Postoffice, and offers to the Democratic primary. for National committeeman, Mr. Esterly. who has frequently voted the Democratic ticket. So .it goes down the line. The Democratic assemblies are usually held in back rooms, far from prying public eyes, but they are neverthe less assemblies. Your Democratic office-hunter calls them conferences; but that is merely a pleasant Demo cratic euphemism. Our benighted friend the Inde pendent will learn in time that, in Domocratic parlance, it Is an assem bly when the Republicans hold it; and it is a lawful gathering of free born Americans, exercising the high duty of conferring together for the public good, when the Democrats hold it. BACK FROM BRAZIL. Colonel Roosevelt is back from his conquest of the great terra incognita of Brazil, and reports the loss of some fifty-five pounds of flesh and a sub stantial gain to the geographical knowledge of the world. The Colo nel's, conquest of the Brazilian inter ior has, it Is true, been followed by a mild controversy among scientific men as to the exact nature and value of his explorations. But no matter. It may well be said that, until it was discovered and the discovery was proclaimed by Colonel Roosevelt, that river merely trickled its way to an "unknown destiny through the for ests and mountains of a remote land. Now the world knows all about it. It is something worth while to be dis covered by Colonel Roosevelt. Whatever the merit of Colonel Roosevelt's scientific researches, there can be no doubt of the monumental importance of the discoveries he made upon his emergence from the wilds as to the things which had been going on in the United States . while he was absent. Favored policies of his own Administration had been attacked and all but reversed. The Colombian treaty had been negotiat ed; the Panama Canal was to be dedicated to common user by all the world through repeal of the free American tolls bill; and the country was trembling on the verge of war with Mexico by reason of the entire reversal of the' strong Roosevelt for eign policy. No wonder the Colonel's Jaw snapped, and his eyes popped, and he gave out an interview in which he referred to Colombia's demand of $25,000,000 as "blackmail," and de nounced the Mexican policy as "tim id" and "involved." It is not yet of record what the Colonel said about the tolls repeal; but something may for the present be left to the imagi nation. Colonel Roosevelt will dispel all doubt about that matter soon, we may be quite sure. The American people are' pleased that Colonel Roosevelt Is home again and that his health is entirely re stored. He has been missed. There has been lacking an authoritative voice, with a Nation-wide appeal, to set forth some things that weigh heavily on the public mind. We shall expect Colonel Roosevelt aoont to say a few things that ought to be said. HAIt TO THE QCEEN. In a short time the Queen of the Rose Festival will begin her royal progress. She will travel of course in a sumptuous palace surrounded by the radiant bevy of her maids of honor. One or two of these maids barely missed the happiness of being Queens themselves, but they are rec onciled to the second place with true philosophy and are as ready to reflect glory on their sovereign as to receive it for their own. As the Queen ad vances upon her progress she will be greeted with the rapturous plaudits of her loving subjects. All this West ern world will bow in humble sub mission to Her Majesty during the period of preparation for the Rose Festival. When that gladsome pageant actually arrives the Queen will shine with a splendor almost superhuman and the throngs will shout themselves hoarse in her honor. The competition for the Festival throne was fairly conducted under the rules prescribed and the winner richly deserves her crown. All the contestants were amazingly popular. They must have friends by the thou sand. But Miss Hollingsworth had more friends than the others, or they were more active, and to her the glittering prize was awarded. May her reign be as benign as she herself Is lovely. She will reign over a greater Fes tival this year than Portland has ever seen before. Nature has done her part In providing for an unprece dented spectable. The weather has been incomparable for weeks, bring ing forth roses by the million, some of them almost as beautiful as the Queen and her attendants. The climbing rose bushes are laden with a countless wealth of blossoms. Crim son, pink, yellow and white, they vie with one another in charm. We have seen two cr three climbers that bore almost as many blossoms as Miss Hollingsworth received votes and that is saying much for them. Portland will be an impressionist picture when the Festival week comes. Color will riot everywhere under the fadeless blue of the perfect sky. But Nature will not be the only dependence for the beauty of the Festival. Man is busy doing his part. The artificial spectacles will vie with the flowers and the Queen. But with the Queen they will vie in vain. Among- all the fair sights of the processions her face will be the fairest. Brighter than Portland's crystal sunshine will be her smile. Gayer than all the roses will be the light of her royal eyes. Hail to the Queen. Long may she live and may she grow more beautiful and happy every year of her life. FRAUDULENT PLEA OF DEFENSE. Senator Bristow exposed the fraud ulent nature of the repealers' argu ment that exemption of .coastwise vessels from canal tolls is a subsidy to the coastwise shipping trust when he quoted from the Panama Canal law the following provision: No vessel permitted to engage In the coast wise or foreign trade of the United States shall be permitted to enter or pass through said canal If such ship Is owned, chartered, operated or controlled by any person or com pany which is doing business In violation of the provisions of the act of Congress ap proved July 3, 1890, entitled "an act to pro tect trade and commerce against unlawful restraints and monopolies." He exposed the real motives of those who have suddenly become sensitive about .the National honor when he said: The allegation of the "repealers" that free tolls benefits only a trust or monopoly is not an honest argument. The truth is that if railroad-owned and trust-controlled ships had not been barred rom the canal we would never have had this repeal bill be fore us. That is where the shoe pinches, and chat la where this controversy started. Let the Administration do its duty by enforcing the quoted provision, and coastwise exemption will not be a subsidy to any trust-owned or railroad-owned ship. They cannot evade the fact that they propose to repudi ate an important plank in their plat form by saying exemption ia a sub sidy to trusts and railroads when it can become so only by their own neglect of duty. That plank was In dorsed by 70 per cent of the voters and the only valid excuse for its abandonment is a confession that President Wilson's foreign policy has so antagonized the greaS powers that we must give them the canal to paci fy them. What a humiliating con fession of failure for an American President to make! What poignant pangs of remorse the President must feel, that is, adopting Nasby's defini tion of remorse as "a humiliating sense of abject failure!" EXTENDING OUR MORAL EMPIRE. Step by step President Wilson's policy towards Mexico is broadening out. It began with a refusal to rec ognize as President either General Huerta or any other person who was not constitutionally elected. It ex tended to a demand for Huerta's resignation and for a constitutional election. It went ' on to oppose by diplomatic means the measures taken by Huerta for defense of his govern ment against the constitutionalists and to give aid indirectly to his ene mies. It then used armed force to prevent arms from reaching Huerta, under cover of seeking satisfaction for an insult to our flag. It now, in co-operation with the ABC allies, undertakes "to assist Mexico to set up a constitutional government which could be accorded recognition by the world, because of its capacity not alone to maintain peace within its confines, but to observe international obligations." It even concerns itself with the internal affairs of Mexico, for it "seeks to eradicate the perplex ing agrarian question by prescribing a division of lands in a way that will be satisfactory to the masses." Thus the Wilson policy is working itself out to a suzerainty or protectorate over Mexico, as was predicted when it was first formulated. According to William Bayard Hale, the President's confidential agent In Mexico, this policy aims at a "moral empire" of the United States and countenances "war for the service of mankind." Mr. Hale visited Mexico City and investigated the character of the Huerta government, making a report which is credited with having decided Mr. Wilson not to recognize Huerta. He then conferred with Carranza and Villa, found their revo lution morally justifiable and the embargo on arms was raised. Writ ing in World's Work, Mr, Hale says: The way to make the business of "pro moting" revolutions unprofitable is to see to it that "promoted" revolutions do not suo oeed. This is what Mr. Wilson Is aiming at. If I understand aright. It is necessary to scrutinize each revolution by Itself, and to judge whether it be, or be not, morally Justifiable. That duty the United States has now as sumed, as I understand It, or, indeed, as anyone can see. When Mr. Wilson took steps to inform himself of the facts regarding the Huerta oiup d'etat, with a view to passing a moral judgment upon the right fulness of the de facto government in Mex ico City, he took, it seems to me, the most far reaching and fateful step which the Monroe Doctrine has inspired in all the process of its evolution. Having decided that a revolution is justifiable, we are apparently to do as we are doing through the ABC mediators assist in establishing constitutional government and seek to eradicate perplexing internal ques tions. This is indeed "the most far reaching and fateful step which the Monroe Doctrine has inspired." That doctrine was aimed at European ag gression; it is now to be used as a cloak for American aggression, or so all the rest of the world will con strue it. There is to be added to our myriad inspectors an inspector of revolutions. His report is to guide the President in deciding whether to extend our "moral empire" and to make "war for the service of man kind." We unconsciously started on this policy when we forced Spain to lib erate Cuba. We assumed responsi bility" to the world for Cuba; good conduct, but we stopped shortrof reg ulating that island's internal affairs. We took upon ourselves the task of preparing the Philippines to become a republic under our shield. We have become the protector of Panama and we are guarding with our ma rines the President who was. set up in Nicaragua with our armed force. These countries are separated from us by intervening sea or land and are comparatively small in area, but Mexico immediately adjoins this country and is an empire in itself, of great wealth and population. If we are embarked on such a propaganda as Mr. Hale suggests, it is ample explanation of that distrust and dislike- entertained by Europe for us, whereof Mr. Wilson spoke in his canal tolls address. Europe must find investment for surplus capital in such countries as Mexico, and, rightly or wrongly, will seek concessions. Concession-holders will endeavor to influence the politics of countries where they invest, and, when they find tho United States working against them, they "will pull diplo matic wires at home against us. Latin-American countries are eager for foreign investments and their politicians are hungr for the pick ings to be derived therefrom. The latter will scoff at our moral empire as a hypocritical cloak for aggression and will inflame the prejudices of the people against us. If the Presi dent intends to pursue this policy, he will need to ask Congress to be lib eral in enlarging Army and Navy or we shall have a hornets' nest about our ears. Perhaps the premonitory buzzing of the hornets inspired his canal tolls policy. He would give the canal to Europe in exchange for per mission to assume a burden by com parison with which the cost of the canal is a trifle. We have cause enough to fight Mexico, if we desire, in the insult to our flag and in the murder, spolia tion and outrage committed upon our. citizens. We need no such pretext as a far-reaching policy of extending our moral empire. We may learn once more that moral issues lead to the longest and bloodiest wars. Urgent need exists for more money to help relief work by the Salvation Army in this city, and towards this end a concert will be held tonight at 8:15 o'clock, at the Lincoln High School auditorium. The programme is one of excellence, and those who will take part in it are selected from the principal musicians of this city. This past Winter many heads of fam ilies could not obtain positions to support their households, and the food and clothing supplies of the Sal vation Army were often drawn upon, so much so that the relief funds need a bank balance both for present need and future emergencies. If we can take poor Mr. Mellen's word for it. ha is in the proverbial situation of the misguided man who trusts too confidingly to the adver sary. That treacherous guide leads a man into trouble but seldom leads him out. His Satanic Majesty In this affair seems to have been the late Mr. Morgan, by whose Insinuating beguiiements Mr. Mellen was be wrayed, only to be forsaken when trouble descended. Put not your faith in Princes, nor their sons. As beseems a traveler returning from desperate escapes in tangled wilds, Colonel Roosevelt is somewhat less fit than is his wont. So he waves aside the plaudits of his country men and sails quietly into harbor as if he were a mere man like others. But be not deceived. Teddy "is not mocked and when he gets good and ready to deal with those British skeptics our advice Is, stand a long way off and watch the smash-up. Gradually women are working their way toward political office. An encouraging number were nominated at the primaries and we shall see more next time. Women, can fill clerical offices as well as men, better sometimes. As county school super intendents their record is excellent. How a woman sheriff would succeed is an interesting question which ex periment alone can answer. Country people's affections are twining more closely around the par cel post every day. Its simplicity is its charm. No pomp and ceremony are required to ship a parcel. Direct it, stamp it and there you are. When the farmers learn to use the parcel post to market their truck we shall see the happiest relations grow up between producer and consumer with financial benefit to both. The current passion for public regulations has curiously overlooked teachers' agencies, which are really employment bureaus. Although they are closely associated with funda mental public interests, the law has overlooked them for many years. A bill now pending in Massachusetts would put them under the Labor Commissioner's supervision which is their proper place. Flathead Indian maidens want white husbands. And since they have splendid tracts of allotment land they should have no difficulty in getting accommodated with mercenary squaw men. New York thieves disguised as de tectives got away with $10,000. No doubt the infringement will be re sented bitterly by New York's de tectives. The successful candidate for Queen of the Rose Festival got more votes than popular candidates for Presi dent have been known to poll. Mellen now says Tammany had a finger in the New Haven pie. Tam many has a habit of overlooking nothing good in the graft line. Hessian fly - reports are playing havoc with the Chicago wheat mar ket. The same old game of shearing the sheep goes merrily on. At the 1915 Fair a bureau will be established to look after the lost. It's activities should be broadened to the strayed and stolen, also. A Japanese statesman contends that we should not fortify the Pan ama Canal, Inasmuch as we have no enemies. Eh? A French author with a shoestring outfit is going to seek the North Pole. Dr. Cook is the originator of that plan. Wilson says our troops will stay at Vera Cruse until peace is restored. They've got a long stay ahead. The country's death rate was larger last year. Something more for the Democrats to boast about. Lemon prices have gone up again. But with election over the demand should fall off somewhat. Portland is to be the headquarters for selling Northwest fruits. The choice was inevitable. The Mexican situation must pick up or lose its place of honor on the first page. Roosevelt having returned, we shall enjoy more or less excitement from now on. The defeated candidate is begin ning to return to normal once more. The lure of the trout stream is growing strong. Life's Sunny Side. Vice-President Marshall shocked the whole assembly when he took his ac customed table in the Shorehani dining room holding a full quart whisky bottle lovingly in his arms. It was In such striking discord to the grape-juice di plomacy of the Secretary of State and the recent edict of Secretary Daniels for a wineless Navy that everybody was shocked. As be marched through the group of guests fondly carrying the bottle, all watched with their mouths wide open. The electric lights made the contents of the bottle sparkle and revealed the superb quality of the brand. On reach ing his table Mr. Marshall placed the bottle boldy in the center, under the lights; then after it had stood this prominence for some time he slipped the tinfoil covering from the neck, of the bottle and called the head waiter. He held the bottle up to the light and commented upon the brand and the su perior quality. The head waiter nodded his head in the affirmative at the ques tions directed to him by the Vice-President, smiled, smacked his lips audibly and proceeded to the kitchen. The other waiters walked up to him and asked what all the others in the room wished to ask "Is it liquor?" The head waiter was kept busy saying, "It is maple syrup." Exchange. One Way to Lick Mexicans. Representative Finley Gray, of In diana, woke up one morning and found himself in a warlike mood. Rushing to the House to get this speech off his mind before he forgot it. he gained the floor and told those that were as sembled that if the United States en gaged in war with the southern re public the Mexican navy would be blown clear out of the water. Mr. Gray compared the naval strength of the United States and Mexico. "Why need we enlarge the Navy in this present crisis?" he cried? "We have a Navy many times as large as that of Mexico. They have 63 little guns and we have S000 enormous guns. We have 32 13-inch guns and 162 12 inch guns, .while they have 21 six pounders and the rest are smaller than that. If you are not satisfied that our Navy is stronger than Mexico's, allow me to say that our guns are modern breech-loading rifles, while most of the Mexican guns are muzzle-loaders. When they clamber out to swab out the barrels wo can shoot 'em," Mr. Gray had to stop here as his time had expired, so he quickly faded from the House, elated over his work and feeling greatly relieved that the burden of this splendid idea was off his mind. Indianapolis News. Champ Clark Whacks Mnckrakers. At a banquet of the law school of George Washington University, held re cently in Washington. D. C. Speaker Clark responded to the toast, "Our Country God Bless Her and Keep Her," with a speech that brought forth a round of enthusiastic applause from all present. Speaker Clark was in one of his drollest moods and his address was paced with mirth and homely philoso phy, mingled with patriotic utterances. Ho deplored the attacks made by muckrakers upon public officials in this country and, speaking- specifically, he declared that no more honorable body than the House of Representatives, whom he knew "like a book," could be found on the face of the earth. He said that In order to counteract the influ ence of the muckrakers he had pre pared a lecture in which he had tried to mention all of the good things he could think of to say about this coun try. "Only," he continued, "I've never had time to deliver it." Chicago Even ing Post- It Works the Wrong Way. During the demonstration of his new kinetophone, Thomas A- Edison said: "With this invention an actor may hear himself speak as well as see himself act. Let us hope he won't be disap pointed, like the piccolo-player in a music store who was urged to buy a phonograph. The dealer, as a last re sort, got the man to make a phonograph, record of the 'Last Rose of Summer' with his own piccolo. "The dealer then ran the tune off, while the player a really wretched per former listened with a strange, frown ing air. At the end the dealer said: 'There! Isn't that wonderful?' " 'H'm well yes,' said the piccolo player. " 'And now,' said the dealer briskly, 'are you going to buy the phonograph?' " 'No.' the player answered, 'I'm go ing to sell the piccolo." " Everybody's. Faith and Work In Ireland. Father O'Leary was off to catch the Dublin express. On the way to the sta tion he ran into his bishop. "Well, what's the hurry, O'Leary?" said the bishop. "Sure, it's the Dublin express I'm after, your lordship." The bishop pulled out his gold watch. "Well, there are seven minutes yet; let us walk together and both catch it." They arrived at the station just in time to see the train steaming out. "Do you know. I had the greatest faith in that watch, O'Leary," said the bishop. Ah! my lord, what is faith without good works?" replied the angry O'Leary.T-Manchester (Eng.) Guardian. Perfect In the Eogenle Aire. "Are you as perfect physically as you seem to be?" he asked. "Certainly," she replied. "Has there ever been any insanity in your family?" . "Never." "Have you a depraved taste of any kind?" "Certainly not." "Are your teeth in good condition and do you see and hear perfectly?" "Yes." "Are you ever bothered by insomnia or headache or indigestion?" "Not at all." "Thank heaven. Now let's make love a little while. Chicago Record-Herald. Colonel Bryan Loses, $500. Prime Minister Bryan is telling a new one on himself. "I loBt $500 the other night," he said, in talking to a group of newspaper men who were trying to pump him on the Mexican situation and whom he wanted to throw off the scent. Of course there was a chorus of inquiries as to how the Colonel had missed connections with the half-thousand simoleons. "I forgot and talked in my sleep, thinking I was making a Chautauqua address," said the Secretary, with, au expansive smile. Washington, D. C. Post. Feminine Amenities. Two women who had not seen each other for many years and who were former enemies met unexpectedly in the street. "How do you do?" exclaimed one, effusively. "Now, this is delightful!" said the other, who was the elder. "You haven't seen me for 11 years, and yet you know me at once! I cannot have changed so dreadfully In all that time. It flatters me!" "Oh, I recognized your hat!" said the first. -Exchange. Full Confidence. Mrs. Carson saw old Uncle Timothy starting away on a fishing expedition, and, knowing how hard his wife worked, thought it a good time to re prove him for his laziness. "Timothy," she said, "do you think it's right to leave your wife at the washtub while you pass your time fish ing?" "Yassura, miss," replied the colored man; "It's all right. My wife don' need any watching. She'll work jes' as hard as if I was dan." Llppincott's. Twenty-Five Years Ago From The Oregonian of May 20, 1889. San Francisco. May 19. Mrs. Steven son, mother of Robert Louis Stevenson, arrived here yesterday from Honolulu and will leave Tuesday for Scotland. Vancouver, W. T., May 19. This morning the sawmill of DuBois Bros., on Fifteenth and B, East Vancouver, was burned. Loss about $4000. Liverpool. May 19. Mrs- Maybrick was arrested yesterday on a charge of poisoning her husband. London, May 19 Speaking at a din ner recently, Gladstone said: "I feel deep gratitude to the American people. They have been exceedingly kind to me. kinder than I deserve. At the time of their great war I gave utterance to opinions which, considering my con nection with the Ministry of the day. had better have been left unsaid, but they forget and have forgiven." St. Helens, May 16. Messrs. Bel linger, Starr, Fraser and Brannon, at torneys, of Portland, were in attend ance on Circuit Court yesterday. The first services in the chapel of the First Presbyterian Church, on the corner of Tenth and Alder streets, were held yesterday morning. The choir consisted of Miss Huggins. soprano; Mrs. J. D. White, alto; P. C. Schuyler, basso, and Professor R, K. Warren, tenor. The pastor. Rev. Arthur J. Brown, preached. Henry Weinhard, who has been se riously ill, is able to be around again and has driven down every day for sev eral days to see how work is progress ing on his building at Second and Oak streets. Rev. C. E. Cline, pastor of St. Paul's Church, is having great success with meetings being held in his church. Ashland,' May 18. The new hotel of Mr. Strait, on the site of the old Ash land House, is now raised. Moses Dansiger. aged 17, and Harry Goehring, aged 23, were drowned in the Willamette River yesterday through the capsizing of a sailboat., BLESSED ARK THE Pl'BB I.X INTENT" When Democrats Hold an Assembly, It's All Right of Coarse. Hillsboro Independent. The Independent clings to the old fashioned idea that black is black and white is white, no matter what we may call them, and that a gathering to select nominees for office is a con vention, no matter whether ten per sons or a thousand take part in it. Furthermore, an idea has gained some weight in this Oregon state that while Tom, Dick and Harry may gather in halls or meet on street corners and decide that certain gentlemen shall be supported for certain offices, let Tom. Dick or Harry meet as Republicans and a howl goes up of the sacredness of the direct primary being violated. Washington County Republicans held an assembly four years ago, decided to support certain candidates who had entered the direct primary and elected delegates to a state assembly. Enemies of the party started a yell that dulled the common sense of the people to such an extent that the calamity of the West administration was thrust upon the state. A yell also went up from the truly good and righteous minority party of Washington County, but it had little effect on results. But now we behold this same minority holding a little assembly of its own. The Democratic party has a ticket in the primary. The time for filing nomi nating petitions expired more than a month ago with but few Democratic aspirants to county and legislative offices. Republican candidates have been put to the expense and trouble of securing places upon the ticket in the manner provided by law, when at the 11th hour, to be exact on Monday, Washington County Democrats met in assembly and named a ticket. We are not discussing the merits of the ticket; that has nothing to do with it. The point is, if Republicans violated the primary law in holding an assembly four years ago, just where does Monday's gathering come in? Also, if we have cleared our systems of the poppycock of its being improper for two or 200 voters to agree that thev will support certain candidates. Just how decent is It for a crowd to preach direct primary as the only decent route to office, allow its ticket to be printed with the offices left blank, and then nominate its ticket in convention? FARMER OBJECTS TO REGULATION. Mayor Criticised for Threat to Pot Re. strietions on Public -Market. PORTLAND. May 18. (To tho Edi tor.) I notice in The Oregonian that Mayor Albee is much exercised over the fact that farmers are asking too much for their produce, in our street market, and that, unless they reduce prices, same will be regulated by ordinance. The excuse for this is that they pay no rent, having the use of the street free. Why does not the Mayor go further and regulate by ordinance the price of farm products everywhere throughout the city, on a basis of rental? The grocer on Washington street should be compelled to charge morc than one on Taylor. And the one on Taylor more than the one on Jefferson, and so on, simply because they pay more rent. The Mayor evidently desires the farm er to be a philanthropist for the city folks. The city has made this munifi cent donation of a street and a few disgraceful-looking booths, therefore the farmer must sell his produce at practically what he can get at the wholesale house or else be regulated by ordinance. As a matter of fact, the establish ment of this downtown street market by the Mayor is a puerile way of dodging the real issue, viz., the estab lishment and maintenance of a public market, not on the street, but in a well regulated, sanitary building, perma nently located. And this threat of. the Mayor to regulate by ordinance the price of a dozen onions or radishes is, if anything, most puerile. This is not a matter to be settled by brass bands and bowing officials, and the Mayor should give the people at least some credit for common sense. It takes more than hot air and dirty streets to make a market, and more than city ordinances to regulate the price of produce. FARMER JONES. Vacation Anticipations. South Bend Ind.) News-Times. We might as well begin to talk about our vacations whether we get any or not. It is pleasant to anticipate. In fact, a good part of the pleasure of living is found in anticipation. There is no disappointment in anticipation. That oomes with realization. The Sum mer is the popular vacation season, and there is a reason, or several reasons. It is convenient and economical to get about. The man of small means can get some enjoyment and relaxation at little cost. The Winter vacations be long to those who have the time and means to get to the Winter resorts. . . . The automobile, the gardens, the golf links, the lure of the woods and the growing love of the outdoors are helping us to realize that work has a valid title to only one-third of our time. Sweet Monotony. "Pray, what is there about the kiss You so enjoy?" I asked a miss. She smiled, then softly said to me; "I like the sweat monotony." Life- Half a Century Ago From The Oregonian of May 20. 1S64. SUverton. May 14. His Excellency. Governor Glbbs. N. T. Caton and Judge Hayden spoke here today to an audi ence of several hundred. Caton led off. completely demolishing the Adminis tration and accusing the Governor of squandering the public funds, appoint ing militia officers at exorbitant sal aries in time of profound peace and winking at a code partly written bv himself, in which a white man's life might be sworn away by an Indian for the pitiful sum of mox dollars. The Governor refuted every important charge made by Caton. Judge Hayden said the people had been completely humbugged and demagogued bv the Governor. This- speech was a ' little ahead of Caton's. One secesh ottered three cheers for Little Mac. They were given as weak as water. Three much better ones were given for Havden and then three rousing cheers were given for the Governor, three for Grant and three for Honest Old Abe. The secesh gave nary cheer for Grant Joseph Bergman, who is named as a delegate to the Democratic convention from the South Portland precinct, re quesjs us to say that he utterly de clines the unwelcome distinction at tempted to be put on him. Cincinnati, May' 13. The latest news from tho Army of the Cumberland is to the 12th. The enemy's position at Dalton has fallen before the corps of Howard. Schofield, Palmer and Hooker. It developed that Dalton was almost, if not altogether, Impregnable to a front attack. A flanking movement by McPherson secured the front at Snake Gap, opening up to Resaca, 15 miles in the rear of Dalton. This was no sooner done than Sherman shifted the main body of his troops to the right, following McPherson. Johnson had no alternative but to take flight from his stronghold in the mountains. Kilpat rick, at the head of his division of cavalry, then marched to Johnson's rear and destroyed the railroad a few miles south of Resaca. Washington. May 15. An official dispatch from General Sheridan, dated Bottom's Bridge. May 13, tells of a bril liant raid across both North Anna and South Anna Tivers. in which he de stroyed the enemy's depot, with cars, locomotives and stores, and recaptured nearly 400 of our men. On the 11th he resumed the march on Richmond, and found the rebel General Stewart with cavalry concentrated at Yellow Tavern. Sheridan attacked him and after an obstinate contest gained possession of the Brock turnpike, capturing, the enemy's works near Richmond. Dur ing the night Sheridan marched the whole of his command between (Hero the wire suddenly parted.) Married On the 10th Inst., at the residence of the bride's father, by tho Rev. Mr. Condon, Mr. Charles S. Miller to Miss Mary E. Coram, both of Wasco County, Oregon. The City Council last night instructed the Street Commissioner to repair First street at the crossing of Oak by pav ing. Workmen have been engaged for several days in tearing down the old building on the southwest corner of Washington and Front streets. The shingle-sided structure opposite the en trance to this office was built during the year 1843 by F. w. Pettygrove. now of Port Townsend, W. T., and occupied by him as a store. The building next to it on the corner was used for a warehouse, and the block this office is on was made to blossom like the rose with the garden produce of the early pioneers. The structure that will be reared on the site will be a fitting em blem of the rise and progress of Port land. A long piece of artillery, borne on a gun carriage, passed up Front street on Wednesday evening, destination un known. A prominent Front-street mer chant came very near being run over by it opposite the Pioneer Hotel. An affray occurred between a Rogue River Indian and a Spokane at the cor ner of Morrison and Front streets last evening, in which the former was bad ly stabbed in the back. AT THE WILD OSWALD WEST SHOW tiovcrnor Is Seen in Light of a Circus Performer. (Cottage Grove Sentinel.) The unlquest, most senseless exhibi tion of Its kind on earth. Nothing like it ever heard of before nothing like It will ever be heard of again. Stage managed and directed by the peerless Oswald West, the greatest ad verse advertiser Oregon has ever known. The last stand of freakish, frisky f rontierism. Comes fresh from a six weeks' en gagement at Copperfleld and a three days' stand at the Friars' Club. BO performing militia boys in uni form 60. Count 'em. Every ono a star performer. Watch 'em. Balloon ascensions i every hour . as long as the hot air lasts. Featuring Colonel Bert Lawson in fancy, frivolous, f rolicsorne, funny and fatuous rat killing. Miss Fern Hobbs. pretty and petite, secured at the highest salary of any woman in Oregon, takes a part espe cially prepared for her by the proprie tor of the show. Frank Snodgrass appears in a dar ing dare-devil act that chills the cor puscles and causes hair to stand erect on a bald head. Clothed in all the au thority of martial law he grasps six blind tigers by the hind legs, mashes their heads to a pulp, gags, binds them and throws them through the open door of a freight car bound for the county seat. The Governor, of Oregon, who has never been in captivity, appears in the slickest," slipperyest, slack-wire act ever invented. Suspended upside down 500 feet in the air. with nothing be tween him and certain death but sa lubrious Oregon ozone, he drops the toga about the shoulders of the residu ary legatee. The show has no regular menagerie, but it makes monkeys out of people while you wait. Next date not yet made. Admission free except to taxpayers. Watch for dispatches in the Eastern papers. Co-operation That Co-operates It's Double Jointed Mr. Manufacturer: ' The local dealer has the final word as to whether your goods sell In large or small quantities You need his co-operation. He does not believe that adver tising in mediums of "National cir culation" helps him much and he does not enthuse over goods so. ad vertised. That's a condition, not a theory. To argue about whether he is right or wrong is unprofita ble. You need his co-operation. If you advertise in his local news papers you comply with his idea and gain his support. You need his co-operation. Co-operation is an operation at which more than one must operate. Get that?