lO
THE 3IORXIXG OREGOXIAS, WEDNESDAY, 3IAT 11, 1910.
PORTLAND, OREGON.
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PORTLAND, WEDNESDAY, MAY 11. 1010.
MR. L"RBN'S FREAKS."
In defense of a system of direct
legislation that will confront Oregon
Voters next November with between
25 and 30 measures, none of which
the State really needs, many of which
are freaks and most of which are
forced upon the electorate by
fad agitators, Mr. U'Ren writes
a. letter, printed In another
column, advocating his newest "re
form." Selection of party delegates
to National conventions and of party
candidates for Presidential elector in
primaries, payment of expenses of
such delegates by taxpayers and with
drawal of the last duties of officially
recognized conventions In this State.
Mr. U'Ren says that no freak meas
ure can become a law unless approved
by the people and the people have not
yet made a freak law;, also that it
will be cheaper for taxpayers to pay
the new expenses that he proposes
than to allow special privilege to
remain in power and misrepresent
political parties in National conven
tions. This and other claptrap.
Only by most strenuous endeavor
lias the sober element of the voters
of Oregon been able to defeat the
many crazy measures that 'have been
thrust upon them. Now they must
go through turmoil again this year.
It is the business of government to
make peace and security for its citi
zens and to ward off agitators of the
many sorts that crave to make use
of its authority.
Nor have all the freak bills been re
jected in this State by the electorate.
Special privilege has not been defeat
ed by the initiative. Salmon bills
have been enacted at the behest of
special interests. The people enact
ed one of Mr. U'Ren's farcical bills
forbidding railroad passes. They'
passed another bill of his instructing
members of the Legislature to Ignore
the Constitution of the United States
In election of United States Senator.
They enacted a crazy," unworkable
bill of his under the title of "Corrupt
Practices Act." They accepted a di
rect primary law in which was the ir
relevant and freak Statement One,
that has brought Oregon's influence in
the National Capital to the lowest ebb;
also a bill authorizing proportional
representation.
Now here Is a list of laws that
no deliberative legislative body would
enact nor would the people enact
them in existing form, if they could
amend them according to right prin
ciples of lawmaking. Though the
people may have intelligence for mak
ing laws, as well as their legislators
have, yet their delegates In legislative
assembly do not make statutes by
mere votes; they are able to adjust
and compromise between affected in
terests, eliminate what is wrong, and
amend in accord with Justice and
square deal. This is not possible in
direct legislation.
Mr. U'Ren complains that the del
egates sent from Oregon to the last
Republican National convention did
not represent his populist wing of the
party. Yet they represented the
Roosevelt-Taft element of the Na
tional party, which was not deemed
by the majority of the people of the
United States to be in the service of
special interests.' Nor in truth did
the Oregon delegates misrepresent
their State.
The National party organization
will direct the method of choosing
delegates and the convention will seat
the delegates It wishes to recognize
..National rules will govern rather than
Mr. U'Ren's proposed "law" for that
purpose. Taxpayers of Oregon do
not need the U'Ren kind f delegates.
If they must pay the expenses of
euoh delegates.
Mr. U'Ren ought to withdraw this
freak bill Just as he has also done
with the one which would make a
despot of the governor.
THE FOREST FIRE KYI L.
It Is something unusual so early
In the season to read of extensive for
est fires, but yesterday's news reports
told of several big fires which were
raging in Washington. Idaho and
British Columbia. With destruction
of this kind in progress, before the
Winter snows have hardly vanished
from the foot hills, the outlook is cer
tainly unpleasant for the dry months
that are before us. Forest fires are
annually Increasing their "powers for
devastation and financial loss. This
Is due in part to the steady increase
In the price of stumpage, and even to
a greater extent to the rapid develop
ment in irrigation and power projects
which are to such a large extent de
pendent on the forests for regulation
of the flow of the streams. In the
Fall season, when we have come to re
gard the appearance of the forest fire
as unavoidable, most of the trouble
Is caused by carelessness of hunters
and fishermen, but in the Spring, a
goodly proportion of the conflagra
tlons Is due to the burning of slash
ings.
- The passing Into control of large
companies, of great areas of timber
,land, has resulted in a much more ef
;ficient guardianship of our forest
.wealth than ever before. The big
pyndicates which have such large
sums of money invested In timber,
have not only maintained in many
districts, a private patrol system, but
they have also been instrumental in
securing the passage of stringent laws
tending to minimize the danger of
;Hre. In this work, the big timber
owners have Joined with and have
been assisted by a number of forest
ry conservation associations which are
doing very enective publicity work in
the Interest of the cause. The West
ern Forestry and Conservation As
sociation baa distributed considerable
literature calling attention to the for
est Are evil, and has recently appealed
to the railroad companies for assis
tance in spreading warnings.
In a circular, the association points
out that the sale of forest products
brings into the Pacific States over
4125.000.000 per year, nearly all of
which goes Into general circulation.
The recent development of the lumber
industry In Oregon has been on such
a big scale, that it has become one of
the most Important factors in our
commercial life. For that reason.
It is the duty of everyone to aid In
any legislation or any plan by which
the loss by forest fires can be reduced.
Every dollar's worth of timber de
stroyed by fire, means a direct loss
of many times the actual value of the
timber. In no other line of indus
try is the money turned over more
frequently, than in the progress, of
the timber from the forest to the hold
of the ship, or the deck of the car on
which, In Its manufactured shape, It
finally reaches the consumer.
HOW THE MlCK.RAH.tR WORKS.
Just consider for a moment the mis
erable character of this Ballinger
prosecution." 'It Is throughout a
concerted effort to ruin the Secre
tary's character by showing that he
has had a mercenary motive behind
his every action, however remote
from any question at issue. No one
familiar with Ballinger's- record or
with the history of affairs In Wash
ington can fall to be struck by -the
dishonesty and malignity of the at
tempt yesterday to trace back through
the election of Senator Piles and the
support given then to Piles by Charles
Sweeny a disreputable association by
Ballinger with that incident, Bran-
dels, the attorney, tried to have It
appear that Sweeny caused Piles to
toe elected Senator andlater Senator
Plies got Ballinger the appointment
as Commissioner of the General Land
Office, Just to help out Sweeny In his
supposed attempt to grab coal lands
in Alaska.
The well-known truth Is that
Sweeny was a candidate for Senator
and . threw his strength finally to
Piles as a result of a political combi
nation. Piles and Ballinger were
never political allies. But when Gar
field, Secretary of the Interior, want
ed a Land Commissioner, ho warmly
urged upon President Roosevelt his
old college-mate Ballinger, and Senr
ator Piles fell In with the design
Why doesn't this fellow Brandels ac
cuse Garfield if a deep-down Intrigue
to get Alaska coal lands, since he
(Garfield) wanted Ballinger for Land
Commissioner, and got him only after
repeated urging? . Because Garfield,
of course, Is one of the conspirators,
and to drag him Into the mess is not
a part of the plan. The game is to
cover with dirt and scandal the name
of every man who stands in the way
of the Pinchot-Garfield-Newell cabal,
whose schemes and ambitions Bal
linger blockeU. That Is . Ihe whole
story.
Ballinger has been foully wronged.
He Is known in the Northwest to be
an honest and straightforward man
with a fine personal and official rec
ord and with no taint or suspicion
anywhere on his life here. He has
suffered much from the muckrakers;
but possibly his experience and cer
tain vindication may serve to show
the public what villainous business
this muckraking is.
AX IDLE SUBJECT.
The subject of "Non-Partisan
Judges," which the State Bar Associa
tion has selected to discuss, Is one of
those harmless topics around which
wit may play endlessly without of
fending anybody. Oregon is not now
troubled with an excess of partisan
ship on the bench and never has
been. One would have imagined
that the academic theme of non-
ijuriisansnip mignt nave waited a
year or two while the lawyers of the
state occupied themselves with the
discussion of some live question such
as "How to bring a lawsuit to trial
before both parties and all the wit
nesses are dead," or the equally burn
ing one of "How to convict more than
a half dozen out of every hundred
persons who break the law." With
either of these subjects under discus
sion the proceedings of the associa
tion would not be quite so placid, per
haps, as they will with a question
which nobody cares anything about
ana which is devoid of practical im
portance; but they would be vastly
more proiitaoie.
im one evil wun which every
Judge and every practicing lawyer
ought to concern himself until It is
remedied Is the delay of Justice, which
frequently amounts to the denial
or justice. it Is rife In almost
every court In the country.
.matters nave come to such
a pass that it Is impossible to bring
a suit to trial if the lawyers on either
side have any reason for delaying it.
Cases are postponed from session to
session on the most trivial pretexts.
Excuses so silly that a child could see
through their chicanery are compla
cently accepted by the Judges for put
ting off a trial. Pleas and motions
so plainly dilatory that the lawyers
who make them ought to be fined for
t-uuurwvi are permitted to carry
causes on rrom month to month and
from year to year, to the ruin of liti
gants and the profit of nobody except
the attorneys. The Judge who oueht
to take an active hand in dealing out
justice sits oy as a semi-somnolent
umpire and lets things drag along in
woruy wanaenngs without end.
The worst of wrongs which a civil
ized man is likely to suffer is the
denial of Justice." We have given up
our right to seek for Justice with the
strong hand on the promise of society
to provide it peaceapiy and oromntlv
As the business Is now conducted this
promise is not fulfilled. Justice Is a
tmng impossible tor the average citi
zen to obtain. ' There are very few
persons in active- life who could not
recount tales from their own experi
ence or Ditter wrongs suffered from
the delay or denial of Justice In the
courts. . Between delay and denial
there is tmt little difference In num.
berless Instances, and the lawyers
know it. That is one of the principal
reasons for the everlasting procrasti
nation. When a cause Is irretrievably
bad, and there is no hope whatever
of winning It In a fair trial, the law
yers secure what Is exactly equivalent
to winning it by holding it up in court
forever and & day. When the guilt
of a criminal Is evident and a Jury
could not help but convict him, his
attorreys obtain what Is equivalent to
an ecquittal toy postponing his trial
Indefinitely. The most Irritating fea
ture of this obnoxious trickery is the
indifference of the Judge to what goes
on. Ke knows the purpose of the
delay as a usual thing, and he could
put a speedy end" to the wearisome
chicanery if he chose, but he does not
choose. To him an excuse is an ex
cuse. Whether good or bad, it is all
the same. Everything goes. A spec
tator from another planet would In
evitably conclude that the main pur
pose of our court proceedings Is to
string out every cause as long as pos
sible and never bring anything to an
end if it can be prevented. The ad
vantage to the lawyers is obvious. As
for the litigants- they were created by
a kindly Providence to pay fees.
It is absurd to deny that respect for
the courts diminishes every day in
this country. It diminishes not be
cause the people are inclined to be
lawless or because they desire to lapse
into barbarism, but because the
courts fail to fulfill the purpose for
which they were established. The
machine remains in all Its elaborate
ness and complexity, but it does not
work. The .millstone whirls round
and round, but it grinds no flour.
With these ' facts and more of the
same species staring them in the face,
is it not a little strange that the mem
bers of the Bar Association have the
heart to spend their time discussing
an idle subject like non-partisanship?
I'ROinillTTON AGAIN" KEPCLSEO.
Within six months, prohibition in
Alabama has received two decisive
set-toacks- Last week the Prohibition
-Anti-Saloon league candidate for
governor was defeated by a majority
of 20,000 in the Democratic primaries.
Last November, a constitutional
amendment for prohibition, was re
jected by the electorate. Pretense
of prohibition still exists under stat
utory enactments of the legislature,
which went into effect January 1,
1903, but It would seem from these
two defeats that prohibition Is doomed
In that state;
The Prohibition candidate was H.
S. D. Mallory and the successful op
position candidate was . Emmett
O'Neal. The Issue was sharply
drawn and the result showed plain
ly that the electorate Is tired of tur
moil and wrangle and hypocrisy that
prohibition 'has thrust upon the
state.
Prohibition was defended by the
existing administration, headed by
Governor Comer, and its candidate.
xMr. Mallory, was committed to the
prohibition laws now on the statute
books by his previous support of
those acts and of the defeated con
stitutional amendment. Mr. O'Neal
made -his fight openly, both on pro
hibition and on the statutes and
on the amendment. In his
first speech of the campaign he
decried the amendment and the strife
into which prohibition had plunged
the State as follows:
The result of the recent election meant
more than the defeat of the amendment; it
was a protest against continual extra ses
sions or the Legislature, aealnst encroach
ment by the executiye upon the legislative
department, against extreme, intemperate
ana raaicai legislation. it was a protest
against waste and extravagance in public
expenditures, against that political turmoil
and -agitation Into which the state has been
plunged by the ambitions and schemes of
selfish politicians.
Alabama is disgusted with narrow-
minded sumptuary legislation.. It Is
growing to toe a cosmopolitan com
monwealth, where mining and manu
facturing interests "are taking the
place of provincial activities that
seek to regulate the personal habits
of neighbors and fellow citizens.
Next November a test is to be made
In Oregon to determine whether this
State is broadminded enough to re
ject the cant and fakery of prohib
ition. Though 21 of its 34 counties
are "dry." they abound with liquor.
The only danger of prohibition- enact
ment In this commonwealth is the
knowledge of voters that such a law
would be ineffective. That is true.
but the law would fill the State with
sham and hateful strife, and the li
quor traffic would be freed from the
rightful tribute it now pays to the
State and local government.
BEWARE THE DOCKS SCHEME.
Why sell dock bonds and pay big
interest before the city is ready to
use the money? Even from fthe
viewpoint that the city should go in
to the wharf or dock business, it
would seem that the municipality
would better make up its mind where
It wishes to buy or build docks and
how much it is willing to spend. The
sum 'of $500,000, which the bonds
would -bring in,, would hardly make a
beginning of this business; and, toe-
sides, there would be heavy charges
on taxpayers to meet deficits in oper
ation and expense of maintenance.
What then, do the dock advocates
plan for the city to do other than to
sell the bonds? What do they think
will , be the effect of a new bonded
debt of millions of dollars in addition
to the $14,000,000 or $15,000,000 debt
which taxpayers will feel as a mort,
gage on all their property In this
city?
These are serious questions, not to
toe made light of by platitudes of
'the people's rule" or by harangues
of persons who wart money spent and
care not who bear the burdens. These
questions, soberly considered, will
bring responsible .citizenship to re
realize that the city would better stay
out of this dock business. It is
loaded with taxation, debt and disap
pointment.. Besides, this city's ship
ping Is not afflicted with monopoly of
wharfage nor with high charges nor
with serious lack of facilities. There
are private owners of docks, many of
them, who would like to unload on
the city. Mayfbe they are behind this
agitation for purchase of docks by the
city.
PRICES AT TAXES.
In current discussions of the cost
of living, it seems quite the fashion
to assume that taxes have nothing to
do with it. The United States Gov-
eernment spends a billion dollars a
year, and this vast sum must toe con
tributed by somebody. The New
Tork World pertinently remarks that
It is not picked up in the street. No
benevolent angel brings It from an
other world. It is abstracted from
the products of industry In. this great
and benighted land.
Wealth spent in one way cannot at
the same time be spent In another.
If a cool billion is consumed anmially
toy the Federal Government, that
amount Is necessarily added to the
cost of living for the people of the
country. When we take into account
the sums that are similarly disposed
of by state, county and city govern
ments, the difficulty which most men
have in making both ends meet be
comes less mysterious than It was.
In the State of Washington, the taxes
on farms are fully four times as high
as they were ten years ago. Has the
government of the state become four
times as useful to the farmers? What
does It do for them with its extrav-
agant income that it did not do when
taxes were more moderate? The dif
ference is sheer waste.
It is the same in Oregon and every
where else. Money wrung in the
form of taxes from the Industrious is
lavished on wasteful officeholders of
all sorts and varieties. It is spent
in useless projects which bring bene
fit to nobody. The business of gov
ernment Is carried on with all con
ceivable parade and display. Nobody
thinks of saving a dollar when It is
possible to spend one, and the in
evitable consequence is hard times for
the man who has to foot the bills.
That man is the Industrious producer
of wealth. Upon his shoulders the
burden of it all rests, and he experi
ences the weight of it in the prices
he pays for meat, fruit, clothing and
tools. The delusion that wealth can
be wasted indefinitely and nobody be
the worse for It Is one that we shall
probably recover from in time, but It
seems to take a good many hard
knocks to drive the lesson In.
The Government crop report which
appeared Monday maintained the
reputation of the Department of Ag
riculture. The condition of wheat
was placed at 82.1, compared with
83.5 on May 1, 1909, and a ten years'
average of 88.7. The area of Winter
wheat Is 714,000 acres more than that
harvested in 1909, and 4,439,000 acres
less than the area sown last Fall.
Taken at their face value, these sta
tistics were sufficiently -bullish to
cause a strong market. The . trade,
however, has become so suspicious of
Government reports that It seldom
takes them seriously. Instead of an
advance In prices, the Government
report was "coppered," and the mar
ket slumped nearly two cents per
bushel in the new-crop months. While,
some well-meaning but misguided peo.
pie are making a strong protest
against dealing in futures, as being
detrimental to the grain trade, they
might go a step farther and demand
reform in Government crop reports.
They are worse than trading In fu
tures.
As a result of a recent agreement
reached by the departments of the
Interior and Agriculture, there have
'been restored to the public domain
177,246 acres from the National for
ests of Washington, Idaho and Colo
rado. . This restoration was made in
order that boundaries could be more
accurately established. According
to the estimate of the Forest service.
there will eventually be restored to
the public domain more than 4,000,000
acres of land. This Is very good for
a starter but the time is approaching
when a good many more millions of
acres, now locked up in forest reserves
where billions of feet of timber are
ripening and becoming worthless, will
also be available for use by man.
There will, of course, never be such
ruthless waste of our natural resour
ces as followed the settlement and de
velopment of the East and Middle
West,- but it is unnecessaary that such
vast tracts of land should be locked
up in forest reserves to satisfy the
whims of eastern faddists.
A few weeks ago, wnen wheat In
the local market was hovering around
the dollar mark, receipts fell away to
almost nothing, live and six cars per
.day being not unusual. Recently,
with the price tumbling from, day to
day, there has been a noticeable In
crease in the receipts, more than sev
enty cars arriving Monday and Tues
day. The farmers who listened to
the "hold-your-wheat" doctrine, which
was so liberally circulated toy the Am
erican Society of Equity, have In some
cases suffered a loss of 25 cents a
bushel. With a new crop already
throwing its shadow over the world's
market, the chances for a return to
higher prices are daily becoming less.
It is not a bad plan for any farmer
to sell his whea.t when it Is ready for
market. Then if he wishes to gam
ble on higher prices at some future
date, the option markets are always
available.
Perhaps there Is something im the
conservation fad run riot that has
a serious effect on the morals of its
exponents. The reprehensible act
of ex-premier Knudsen of Norway
was in some respects' strikingly in
keeping with the policy and acts of
one Gifford Pinchot, also a crank and
faddist on the conservation matter.
Pinchot used the conservation hobby
as a cloak under which he worked his
political schemes and plotted revenge
against those who opposed him. Gun
nar Knudsen of Norway, under the
guise of a bona fide exponent of the
principle of conservation, used the
private views of President Roosevelt
for political capital. Stock Is .some
times driven crazy by feeding on the
"loco" weed and the conservation idea
seems to have nearly as bad an effect
on the Plnchots and Knudsens.
With a Bible for a weapon a Los
Angeles man laid low half a dozen
rioters who had assailed a woman
worker for the Volunteers of America.
It was of course a strange weapon to
be used in a physical conflict, but
the result showed that it was in a
degree . fully as effective as the cele
brated jaw bone of an ass which laid
low the Philistines.
The pesky little Japanese know
how to die. If big white people had
proportionate patriotism and sublime
indifference to dtsath there would te
great wars ' in progress somewhat
oftener.
President Taft attended a boy
cotted baseball game in St. Louis.
There have been some games In Port
land that needed boycotting, tout not
j this year.
Some persons point to the Legisla
ture of Illinois and talk as If the peo
ple cannot elect an honest Legisla
ture. How, then, can they elect hon
est men for other offices?
The comet Is said to have had a
storm in its tail when King Edward
died. It perhaps sympathized with
the judget-veto kink in. the tail of
the British lion.
Mr. Bryan's ex-son-ln-law sent
message to Ruth on her wedding day
asking her to remember the past.
Some fellows don't know they're bet
ter off forgotten.
Mr. Hearst wants a million dollars
or so damages? But if what he
says "is true, that jolt didn't really
cost him anything.
Miss Mary Harrlman will marry, a
sculptor. Well, she can afford it.
HO-PARTT FAD IS FLEBTIXG.
Geremmeat Cmsi Be Ru BiirrcasfiiUj
Only Tsrough Parties.
La Grande Observer.
A prominent citizen said to the editor
of this paper yesterday, "Why be a Re
publican? I have quit party lines, en
tirely, and I vote for the man." We
admit that this is the popular thing to
do at this time. We admit that the coun
try has gone rampant over party obliter
ation. But we wish to say that in our
Judgment the country will not remain
in that condition politically for long.
There Is only one successful way to run
a government like that of the United
States. It is through political parties.
That Irrepressible Roosevelt Is largely
responsible for party .lines , being broken.
He is the greatest politician the coun
try has ever seen, yet he will not admit
It. By breaking down parties he has
made himself very strong. But when
he passed as a Republican leader, then
the party suffers.
There are many good reasons for being
a Republican, not but what we have
the most respect for a Democrat's views,
a Socialist's views or an old time. Pop
ulist's views. But the Republican party
is right in more ways than it is wronsr.
Under its administration the country has
prospered, while under Democratic rule
the country has met with reverses. These
might have been co-Incidents and they
might not. But the fact remains that Re
publican successes In the Nation have
Invariably been followed with a revival
of business.
Corruption has existed in the Repub
lican party, and lots of It. But who
would dare to say that a church 1b bad
because it has a number of scalawag
members? The same is true of a political
party. .Because a man used political
prestige for graft is not the fault of the
party as a whole. Neither is the party
to be blamed because some crooked
United States Senator worked a crooked
game.
We know not what condition the Re
publican party of Union Countv is In.
but we favor a Republican revival a
camp meeting if necessarv. The time
will not return soon when flambeau clubs
and long political processions will mark
political campaigns, but there will come
a time when people will study the politi
cal situation more seriously than they
are doing at the present time.
The danger In "voting for the man
occurs when men are nominated of whom
you know nothing. In county matters
It is possible to know your candidates
personally. Not so in State affairs.
what does the man in Union Countv
know about the man from Klamath
Falls who wants to be State Treasurer.
If that man runs on an independent
ucicet x
Give us a political party every 'time.
but make that party as clean and free
from graft as human beings can do. If
Dy some nuke a noted rascal receives a
nomination, do not vote for him, but
first see that no rascals are nominated.
When the American peODle flrmlv de
cide that the place to lay the foundation
or government is at the primary rather
than at the election, then the problem is
soivea, ana not until then.
CEMENT SEWEH, PIPE FAVORED
By Dropping Clay-Pipe-People Compe
tition Will Be Established.
PORTLAND, May 10. (To the EAT
tor.) As a taxpayer I have noted with
considerable Interest the controversy
of the past few weeks in regard to the
introduction of cement sewer pipe, and
concur in The Oregonlan's comment
editorially and otherwise on the sub
Ject.
I speak from a taxpayer's viewpoint.
Competition is the life of trade." runs
the old adage, and as we all know at
present no competition exists In sewer
pipe (call it "trust." or what you willl
is it to be expected that the clay-Dine
sellers will voluntarily reduce the rrice
of their product to a fair figure? Most
emphatically: "No." After a careful In
vestigation by our City Ensrineer.
iviayor mmon ana numerous Interested
taxpayers, who in the end foot the
bills, coupled with indorsements from
80 -or more cities in the United States
and foreign countries and numberless
cement experts, it seems to be a fact
beyond all possible recall that the ce
ment pipe is not only the equal but
better than the clay pipe for sewer
purposes.
In view of the further fact that the
cement pipe can and will be furnished
the. taxpayers at a very much lower
cost why humiliate and hold up these
people Indefinitely who have come here
In good faith and established their
plant at the invitation of the Mayor
and City Engineer, whose stand in this
matter is also highly commendable.
Tell me. I very much desire to know
as do, I believe, 95 per cent of all
other taxpayers.
FRANK BOLLAM.
Musical Bed Induces Sleep.
Springfield Republican.
A furniture dealer in Paris Is show
ing a novelty in the form of a bed
which Is an improvement on a similar
one which attracted attention at the
last Paris' exposition. It is to all ap
pearances an ordinary bed, but the
weight of the body upon it sets clock
work in motion, thus operating a music
box which gives forth soothing melo
dies. The lullabies which it plays are
supposed to Induce sleep. By means of
a dial at the head of the bed the person
who occupies it fixes' an alarm for th
next morning. This produces, when the
hour arrives, discordant sounds, to
which the person in bed must pay heed.
because failure to rise within five min
utes after the noise has begun will
cause the bottom of the bed to fall out.
English Girls Compared With Ours.
Washington Star.
American girls are gayer and more
Independent In their "teen' than Eng
lish girls are at the same age. An Eng
lish woman recently told the whol
story In a nutshell when bewailing the
faot that some of the best parties in
England were being captured by Amer
ican women. Her advice was:
"Why do not English parents, instead
of cramming their girls with accom
pllshments for which they very likely
have no aptitude, try to teach them the
best of all qualities In a wire, adapta
bility. Then perhaps the plums of th
matrimonial market might occasionally
fall to English belles instead of almost
invariably to their more "cute' and de
cldedly 'quicker witted' American oou
sins. "
Wow Idea, for Memorial Day.
Springfield Republican. ,
The Grand Army post in Brockton,
Mass., proposes this year to decorate
the soldiers' graves on Memorial day
with baskets of growing pansies rathe
than with cut flowers a sensible de
parture. As Ophelia said: "There
rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray,
love, remember; and there is pansies,
that's for thoughts."
Where Both Agreed.
Kansas City Star.
Norah had been guilty of what was
considered' an indiscretion, so the mis
tress of the house called her to "step
the carpet." "If such a thing occurs
again. Norah," said the mistress.
shall have to get another servant!
And Norah said: "I wish yer would
there's easily enough work for two
of us.
A Rare Figure.
Louisville Courier-Journal.
A hero who is not his own horn
blower Is a rare and inspiring figure
In the modern world..
ALABAMA AGAINST PBOBIBTTIOHt
iOdl tor Watterson Says Rnnt Pri
maries) Forecast Return to 'Sanity.
Louisville Courier-Journal.
The result of the Democratic primary
In
Alabama forecasts the end of the
prohibition wave and the return of sane
counsels.
The failure of prohibition as a pro
moter of temperance has been fully dem
onstrated. Its fraudulency as a propa
ganda serving the ends of the selfish and
dishonest omceseeker has been tested in
Alabama, as in other states in which the
experiment has been tried. The begin
ning of the end of prohlbltionlsm was the
attempt to abolish vital provisions of the-
Constitution, to enforce the state-wide
law at the cost of the sacrifice of rights
held inalienable since the founding of
the Republic.
The people of Alabama compare well.
in point of honesty and sanity, with
those of any other state. Carried off
their feet, for the moment by reckless
and corrupt agitators they elected law
makers who plastered the statute books
with a number of measures vicious in
their origin and inimical to the state's
Interests. Prominent among these was
the state-wide prohibition law. It failed
to produce promised results. Just as It
has failed whenever, and wherever, it
has been put to the test. "Constitutional
Prohibition," which meant the destruc
tion of the state constitution, was advo
cated by the creators of the state-wide
law when its signal failure became no
torious. The movement met overwhelm
lng opposition. The voters had become
sufficiently acquainted with the agitators
to distrust their objects as well as to
recognize the inefficiency of their remedy.
The vote presaged the abandonment of
state-wide prohibition as a quack cure
tried and found wanting. The result of
the primary election Is a logical develop
ment. Maine has preferred a half-century of
dishonor to an admission of the failure
of Its prohibition law to vindicate Its
right to Its label. Drunkenness and the
debauchery of government have been
everywhere in evidence. Alabama Indi
cates an Intention of pursuing a straighter
course by declining to content herself
with hypocrisy. Estimating fanaticism
at its real value, recognizing the profes
sional prohibitionist of the office-seeking
class as a cousin once removed of the
carpetbagger, the state indicates Its im
patience with the combination of cant,
corruption and craziness, and expresses
a preference for laws democratic in prin
ciple, and reasonably effective in practice,
as against laws undemocratic in principle
and in operation a farce.
HAIRSPLITTING IN CONGRESS.
Insnra-ent-Rearular Difference Is Like
Tweedledum-Twee dledee.
New York Globe.
How microscopic are the Issues over
which Washington divides and as to
which the country Is asked to grow
excited! Consider the latest roll-call
in the Senate, whose announcement was
awaited with bated breath, with the
implication that humanity, with all Its
hopes and fears, trembled -in the bal
ance ! i
The section of the railroad bill au
thorizing railroads, with the approval
of the Interstate Commerce Commis
sion, to make traffic agreements was
under debate. The bill as It stood pro
vided that when the railroads made an
agreement they should file the same
with the commission, which was au
thorized. If it did not approve, to in
validate it. Senator Cummins offered
an amendment the effect of which was
that the railroads should submit the
agreement to the commission for ap
proval before filing. The two proposi
tions are thus brothers the only dif
ference between them being the pre
cise time when the commission shouTd
register its "kick."
To the ordinary mind it would seem
as if "regular" could have supported
the Cummins amendment or 'insurgent"
supported the original bill without sur
render of view. But . the Senatorial
mind is not the ordinary mind. By
some mystery of psychology the matter
has become vital if you voted one way
you were virtuous, and if the other way
you were wicked. So the roll was
called, and in a most solemn way a di
vision line drawn between the sheep
and the goats. Aldrlch preferred ap
proval by the commission should come
after rather than before filing, and
Aldrlch is a suspect. ,
Query has been made as to why the
country takes so little interest in the
railroad bill debate. It is because the
public is convinced that the argument
Is over the distinction there is between
tweedledum and tweedledee.
Lesson for the N
Portland Advocate (colored).
The craze for automobile and taxi
cab riding, fine clothing and a host
of other useless extravagances is keep
lng the colored man back. Why not
imitate "the foreigner who before he
learns to speak the English language
launches out in some kind of business,
bootblack stands, push carts, fruit
stands or something equally as humble,
and, in a few years beoomes Independ
ently rich and in this manner they
make a place in the world of affairs
for their people.'
There Is no denying the fact that
the colored man has the ability, but
he lacks ambition and confidence. But
the majority of those who have Started
out in business are succeeding admir
ably well and there Is still room and
opportunity for many others, i
Until we have something to sell,
something to trade or something . to
yield an income, we can never hope to
measure arms with other races. For
the man or woman who is content to
be the hired help will forever remain
such..
Most Popular Joke Ever Published.
Westminster Gazette.
The most popular joke which has
been published in any language In the
history of the world is stated to be
that which appeared In an obscure cor
ner of the Punch Almanac for 1845. It
read: "Advice . to persons about to
marry Don't!" It would be interest
ing to know who was its author. An
other, founded on a similar subject,
was the "Advice to persons who have
'fallen In love' Fall out!" One of the
most brilliant things that ever ap
peared in our contemporary was the
brief dialogue between an inquiring
child and his impatient parent: "What
Is mind?" "No matter." "What is
matter?" "Never mind."
CURRENT NEWSPAPER JESTS.
A rooster would be entitled to mors credit
for rising early if he didn't crow about it.
Puck.
Mrs. Hoyle Don' you think 'my boy Is
growing? Mrs. royle Yes; he Is pretty
large for his mother's age. Judge.
- Caller Is Mrs. Browne at home? Art
less parlor maid (smiling confidentially)
No, ma'am she really is out this after
noon. Punch.
"Mrs. Neurich has no idea as to how to
treat her Inferiors." "Well, you must re
member tnat It's only been a few months
that she's had any." Cleveland Leader.
Mistress I never allow mors than two
nights out a week. Isn't that enough?
Colored Maid No'm. I'se afraid it ain't.
You see. I'se a debutanta this year Life.
"What do you sell lard for. young man?"
asked the old lady of a new clerk In the
corner grocery. " 'Cause I can't get any
thing else to do. ma'am." replied the young
man. who was not altogether satlsfiftd with
his job. Chicago Daily News.
"Do you," he asked, "believe In early
marriages?" "Well." she . replied, "I used
to. but I am willing to say that at present
I believe 'better . late than never may be
applied to marriage as weli as to some
other things." Chicago Record-Herald.
"Oh. Maud." said the other girl, "did you
notice that this seaside hotel advertises to
furnish young men escorts?" "I know the
kind." said Maud, bitterly. "They are such
silly sissies that a girl feels like a chaperon
every time she walks out with them."
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
LIFE'S SUNNY SIDE
The wife of the clergyman of a cer
tain suburban parish was mending
clothes the other day when a visitor
was announced. The hostess went on
with her sewing, for the caller was a well
known parishioner. After a while the
visitor glanced toward the sewing table
and exclaimed:
'Why, there are some buttons exactly
like some my husband had on his last
winter suit. They are an odd kind of '
button, too. Where did you got them?
The clergyman's wife smiled roguishly.
"In the collection basket," she answered,
quietly. "I found a good many of the
same kind. I am saving them up for .
possible use."
The caller changed the subject as
hastily as she could, and somehow or
other she did not stay very long. Boston
Traveler.
Having recounted her 17 parcels for the
17th time and reassured herself for the
22d time that she had her ticket all safe
in her reticule, the old lady in the black
beaded bonnet thrust her head out of the
carriage window and ejaculated:
"Porter!"
The passing trunk-tugger paused po
litely on his way to the goods van.
"Porter!" repeated the old lady. "Does
this train stop at Waterloo?"
The official drew a corduroy sleeve
across his nasal appendage.
"Well, mum," he mused, "If it don't
you Jest look out for the biggest bump
ye ever ad in all yer bloomin' life!"
Answers.
Mr. Raymond appeared at his neigh
bor's door one November evening at
dusk In a towering rage and uttering
fierce threats against his neighbor's dog.
Nero. Vainly the neighbor tried to ex- .
plain that Nero was only a puppy. "He
oeiongs to jvnnii), no wont vn, nu
It would break 'Johnnys heart If any
thing happened to him. I think," hope
fully, "that his manners will improve."
not complaining of his manners, but his
nature. After he had lumped an over
me he bit at the back of my leg."
"That's as far as he can reach, ' broke
in Johnny, in a wounded tone. "You
don't expect a little pup like him to bite
a big man like you on the neck, do you,
Mr. Raymond!" Youth's Companion.
A gaunt and kilted Scotsman made his
iDDearance In a country village, and was
endeavoring to charm the locals to char
ity with selections on his Bagpipe, a
shae-zv-haired man opened the front
door of a house and. beckoned to the
minstrel.
Oie us a wee bit lilt Just oot bere.
he said, in an accent which told that he
also was from the land of the haggis.
"Mir aulii mither's In a creetlcal condee-
tlon oppstaor. The doctor's wl' her the
noo, and says the pipes may save ner
life."
Ud and down in front of the house
marched the braw Hielander, discoursing
musio that might well have Deen in
cidental to a cat and dog fight. Presently
the shaggy-haired man came out again.
"Gie us the "Dead March" noo," he said.
"Is the puir auld lady gone?" ques-
"Na. na, mon: yeve saved mlther."
came the reply; "but ye've killed "the puir
doctor." Boston Transcript.
A young English suffragette tells the
following Incident that recently happened
at a meeting in the Scotch Highlands.
Speeches had been made to a large
crowd. Questions had been replied to.
amid applause. Imbecile young men
making remarks about minding babies
and mending socks had been silenced.
Then, Just as there was a temporary
lull before the putting of a resolution,
a great bucolic Scotch voice from the
back of the crowd rasped slowly In with
the inquiry, obviously the result of pro
longed rumination:
"Wha made a mess of Adam?" Har
per's Monthly.
Mark; Twain and Shakespeare.
Saturday Review.
The" word to fit Mark Twain la not
easily found. To say of him that he
was a humorist is to pervert language.
Comic at times Irresistibly so per
haps; but not humorous. The comio
mood is nowhere near to humor. His
best work is a mere overflow of men
tal good spirits; and, unless the reader
be equally full-bodied, he may find
himself depressed from sheer reaction.
He was first among the funny men of
America; a country which can never
(become seriously minded or reflective
enough to produce a humorist. Lis
spirit and tone were very near to
those of our own comic press. This is
not the time for humor. People want
to be amused boisterously, and pay
their funny men to that end. Just as
the medieval baron paid his fool.
Mark. Twain was the best or mem
all. The secret of his success was this:
to please his fellows, he had simply
to be himself to give himself the rein.
His vein was the vein of Elizabethan
farce. However crude the absurdity
it went down with his readers, because
it was forced down. Literally he made
his readers laugh. That is why he
bored so many of them. With his
-faults he had the supreme excuse that
condones many of the artistic blemish
es in Shakespeare's early farces he
was vital.
Saying It In Fifty Words.
New York Sun.
The night letter telegrams have proved
a boon to many, but there are patrons
that find them somewhat baffling.
"Look at that man biting the end of
his pen over there," the manager of a
Broadway office said. "He is trying to
think what in the wdrld to say to use up
the 60 words he is entitled to. I like to
watch "em in here at nights. Most of
them have more trouble trying to think
up 50 words than they ever did in keep
ing their messages down to ten. There is
only one man who comes in here, sits
right down, and writes out his 50 words
without hesitating. But he's in business
down South, and has been In the habit ot
sending long messages for years."
The Exchange of Funds.
Washington Star.
"Is your foreign son-in-law going to
coat you much money?"
"It denends." said Mr. . Cumrox. "on
,the outcome of an argument we're hav
ing now. no wttiiui .u loiw-u
play baccarat and I want to teach hlffl
to play poker."
In BTIs Element.
Washington Herald.
"Mr. Roosevelt was in his element
yesterday," says a ParlB caole in
Thursday's New York Herald. Of
course! And the day before, and the
day before that; and he will be tomor
row. That's the Colonel!
( Welcome Now.
Louisville Courier-Journal.
"Better dodge dat town. Weary.
Tramps ain't popular in towns."
"We ain't tramps now; we're popula
tion. Don't youse know de census ii
being took?"
Woman's Portion.
Atchison Globe.
When a woman has the worst of it,
she has very much the worst of It; but
when she has the best of It, she has
very much the best of it.
Unenviable.
Chicago Record-Herald.
Hardly any man ever envies a biga
mist after seeing; th-. minKa- Btvea.