THE JlOKA'IKtr OJttlSlxOXLLN, TRID&X. i jKjQHl .23,
r -S
1906.
Entered at the Fostofflce at rortland. Or.
k Second-Class Matter.
SDBSCRirnON" RATES.
CT INVARIABLT IN ADVANCE. Q
(By Mat! or Express.)
DAILT. SUNDAY INCLUDED.
Twelve month
Etx months
.Three months. -
One month -
"Delivered by carrier, per year
delivered by carrier, per month....
Less time, per week.
sday. one year....
Weekly, one year (Issued Thursday)
Sunday and "Weekly, one year
.8.00
. 4.23
. 2.23
. .73
. .ee
. .75
. .20
. 2.50
. 1.30
. 3.30
HOW TO REMIT Send postofflce money
erder. express ordr or personal check on
your local tank. Stamps, coin or currency
are at the sender's risk.
EASTERN BUSINESS OFFICE.
The S. C. Beckrrlth Special Agency New
Terk. rooms 43-30, Tribune building. Chi
cago, rooms 310-512 Tribune building.
KETT ON SALE.
Chirac Auditorium Annex, Fostofflce
New Co.. ITS Dearborn street.
St. rami, Minn. Ni St. Marie Commercial
Station.
Denver Hamilton & Kendrlck. 80G-012
Seventeenth street; Pratt Book Store, 1214
Fifteenth street; I Welnsteln.
Goldfleld. "rr. Guy Marsh.
Kansas City. Mo Rlcksecker Cigar Co..
Ntath and "Walnut.
Minneapolis M. J. Kavanauch, 60 South
Talrd.
Cicrelastd. O. James Pushaw, S07 Su
Trtor street.
New York CKy L. Jones A. Co., Astor
Oakland. Cal. TV. H. Johneton, Four
tee mr and Franklin streets.
Oaden D. U Boyle.
Omaha Barkalow Bros.. 1612 Farnam:
Maceath Stationery Co.. 1308 Farnam; 248
Stb Fourteenth.
Sacramento, Cal. Sacramento News Co.,
419 street.
Salt Lake Salt Lake New Co.. 77 "West
frd street South; Miss L. Levin. 24
Church street.
L Anjrrlra B. E. Amos, manager seven
trert wagons. Berl News Co.. 320 South
Brradway.
n Diego B E. Amos.
r-anta Barbara, Cal. B. E. Amos.
Tasadeaa, Cal. Berl News Co.
San I'Vaaclfcco J K. Cooper A. Co., 746
Market street Goldsmith Bros.. 2SC Sutter
and Hetel St Francis News Stand: L. E.
Lte. Palace Hotel News Stand; Frank Scott.
5t KIMi. N Wheatley Movable .News Stand,
earner Market nd Kearney streets; Foster,
. Orear. Ferry News Stand.
WnnMngton, I. C Ebbltt House, Tenn
rlvanla avenue.
PORTLAND, SATURDAY, MARCK 23, 1006.
PLUTOCRACY IN THE SADDLE.
The extraordinary decision of Judge
Humphreys graining Immunity to the
puckers may be reversed by a higher
court. If not reversed, it amounts to a
4tfcpansation for the packers from the
trains and penalties of the Sherman
anti-trust law. The case is in Itself so
Important as the first serious attempt
hy the Government to punish a gang of
plutocratic freebooters, and Its outcome
l? such a menace to American Institu
tions that no citizen can afford to be
ignorant of its principal points.
Briefly. Mien, the packers, meaning
J Ogden Armour. Louis A. Swift. Ed
ward Cudahy and thirteen others, were
Indicted by a grand jury last Fall for
tspiracy in restraint of trade. The
Hedtctmcnt was found under the Sher
man law of 1890. which declares every
contract, combination or conspiracy in
restraint of trade to be illegal; makes
every person who is a party to such
agreements guilty of a misdemeanor;
and fixes the .punishment at a fine not
to exceed $5000. imprisonment not to
exceed one year, or both.
So far we have plain sailing. Had
tne packers 'been a lot of poor devils, a
Kng of ordinary thieves, they would
now have been tried, convicted and sen
tenced, if the evidence against them
had been defective, they would have
been broken down In the sweatbox and
made t "toll all they knew." But thej
are not poor devils, they are million
aires. They are not a gang of ordinary
(Moves, they have plundered a nation;
and for uch men there are special
laws and peculiar legal procedures. In
stead of standing trial they pleaded that
the Jaw gave them immunity." mean
ing that, no matter how guilty they
might be. they could not be tried and
convicted like common men. "Why
Because Mr. Garfield. Commissioner of
Corporations, had already questioned
them about their beef trust conspiracy
and they had answered his questions.
They did not say they had told Garfield
the truth, even their gall was not equal
t that assertion; but he had asked
questions, they had given their perjured
answers, and that was enough. That
gave them immunity. Such was their
was based upon the Federal statute
of 1903. which creates the Department
of Commerce and Labor, with the Bu
reau of Corporations as one of its
branches. The Commissioner of Cor
porations. Mr. Garfield, is the head of
this bureau, with a salary of $5000. The
law authorizes him to make "diligent
investigation Into the organization, con
duct and management of the business"
f all corporations and corporate com
binations engaged In Interstate com
merce, except railroads; and. In order to
accomplish this purpose he Is given the
-ame '"power and authority' over other
tirporations which the Interstate Com
merce Commisslqn has over common
arrlers. including authority to sub
pena witnesses and compel them to an
swer questions and produce documents
under oath. This Is all very fine; but
now comes In what the vulgar call "the
joker." These witnesses are subject to
the same "requirements, obligations,
liabilities and Immunities" as witnesses
before the Interstate Commerce Com
sniecion. Note the humble and incon
spicuous "Immunities," a veritable
Uriah Heep for modest diffidence. Ob
serve how the word shrinks blushingly
out of sight behind the obligations and
liabilities. But It is there all the same
and ready for business -when the time
comes.
Wnat are these Immunities? The act
of February U, 1893, defines them: "No
pereon shall be prosecuted or subjected
to any penalty" for any act concern
ing which he may give evidence be
fore the Interstate Commerce Com
mission. The act of 19f3 extends this
provision to witnesses before the Com
mlseioner of Corporations. So there
you are. This is the basis of the pack
ers' plea of immunity. Mr. Garfield,
they said, summoned them before him
and required them to give evidence.
They ofceyed. Therefore they must not
be "proeecuted nor subjected to any
penalty." For some months now the
court has been busy hearing testimony
to determine, not -whether the packers
are guilty or not, but whether or not
they can be brought to trial. There's
such divinity doth hedge a millionaire
that the law nust approach him rever
ently -with, .salaams and genuflections.
The act of -with that of fur
ther Imposes the penalties for perjury
ueofl any "person who shall bear false
vltMw nefore the Commissioner ef
Corperatlonc. The real issue before
Judge Hirey5 was therefore this:
Did Use packers give evidence -to Mr.
Garfield under such circumstances that
if they lied to him they -were guilty of
perjury? The first half of this question
the Judge discusses In his extraordinary
decision; the second half he Ignores.
But they are equally important, as
every lawyer knows. He finds that the
packers did give evidence before Gar
field, not voluntarily, but under compul
sion. To reach this conclusion hemakes
the strained ruling that their knowl
edge that Garfield had authority to
force them to testify is the same thing
as If he actually had forced them. As
a matter of fact, Garfield used neither
threats nor coercion. Because the pack
ers gave evidence about their business
to Garfield they cannot be prosecuted
under the Sherman law. Because their
evidence was not under legal compul
sion they cannot be punished for -perjury,
however-much they may have lied
to the Commissioner.
This decision seats the trust mag
nates securely In the saddle. Unless It
Is reversed, the law cannot reach them.
The corporations may still be fined, but
what Is a fine to plutocratic combi
nation like the beef trust? If Judge
Humphreys had deliberately set hlmeelf
to aid the socialistic propaganda he
could not have done It better sen-ice
than he has by his decision. If -we have
In this country a class of men whose
crimes the law may not even investi
gate, is it not time to think of changes?
FOR PEACE AND GOOD WILL.
President Roosevelt's remarks to Mr.
Gompers and the delegation of work
lngmen may be characterized best by
the word reasonable. Making no ap
peal to passion or prejudice, he ad
dressed them as one sensible man talks
to others. That injunctions have been
used excessively, and perhaps unfairly.
against strikers in recent years few un
prejudiced men deny; but the power to
Issue injunctions must exiBt somewhere,
and the country is finding it Indispensa
ble In the warfare upon special privi
lege. If the courts have -wielded their
power somewhat more timidly against
confederated wealth than against
united labor, that Is a passing defect
which time will remedy. What the
President has to say about the eight
hour law Is Indisputable. Excellent as
this law is, it is not of eternal and uni
versal applicability. The conditions
upon the Isthmus repel all labor ex
cept the fickle and unreliable sort. This
must be used nccording to Its nature or
it cannot be used at all. To enforce
the eight-hour law, framed for intelli
gent white men, upon half-civilized col
ored labor is neither wise nor practica
ble. The entire address is worth reading as
a model of the kind of talk which
makes for peace and good-will In the
world of -industry.
INADEQUATE COAST DEFENSES.
The United States Army lacks men to
serve the guns mounted In the harbor
ports of the Atlantic and Pacific Coasts;
it lacks not only officers and privates,
but engineers, firemen, plotters, observ
ers and planters men skilled In the du
ties relating to the complicated mech
anism of modern armament. In the
event of foreign war, we should be In a
disgraceful state of unpreparedncss.
The necessary trained force could not
be drawn from the militia; it must be
provided from the regular establish
ment. A report called for last year by Pres
ident Roosevelt through the Secretary
of War shows that the artillery branch
of the Army has. available less than 1!
per cent of the required strength for
coast defense. In the computation no
account was taken for reserves, sup
ports and Infantry defenses, but simply
the force required to man the fixed de
fenses; no jquestlon of tactics was In
volved, or military policy or opinion,
but simply the number of men required
to fill certain fixed positions. Our lack
of equipment In men was illustrated
most strikingly last Summer by the
Joint Army and Navy exercises about
Chesapeake Bay, when, in order to pro
vide only one manning detail for de
fense of the forts at Hampton Roads,
the Potomac and Baltimore harbor, all
the coast artillery stations from Maine
to the Mississippi River were practi
cally stripped of their garrisons.
Lamentably weak is the artillery dis
trict of the Columbia River, which
comprises two companies at Fort Ste
vens, one company at Fort Columbia
and a detachment at Fort Canby. The
number of officers required for one re
lief is 67. while the number stationed
Is only nine; men required. 1446; men
stationed. 286. And yet the mouth of
the Columbia differs little In inade
quacy of men from other fortified har
bors on either shore of the continent.
Representative Hull, of Iowa, chair
man of the House committee on mili
tary affairs, has Introduced a bill drawn
by the Army General Staff, by which
it la hoped to relieve conditions that
may involve the Nation in disaster. It
Is proposed to increase the number of
enlisted men by 3546, where 18,000 are
needed; the mechanics by 88, where 500
are needed, and to make proportionate
Increase in the other grades. No one
can call It a radical measure. The Pa
cific Coast ought to be a unit in favor
of its passage.
GERMANY'S MEAT SUPPLY.
From Berlin comes the report that,
owing to the high price of meat, the
people have been driven to eating cats
and dogs as well as large quantities of
horseflesh. Prussian slaughter-house
statistics show that In 1903 there were
-butchered for consumption 97.000 horses
and 1072 dogs, and it is explained that
the number of dogs reported is notori
ously below the number known to have
been actually killed for meat purposes.
Ignoring the possibility that dog, cat
and horsemeat may not be unpalatable
or lack nutrition, such general use of
the meat can haraly be expected except
under extraordinary circumstances.
These circumstances are undoubtedly
quite pleasing to the eminent American
"standpatters," who have so vigorously
opposed the granting of decent tariff
treatment to the Germans. The stereo
typed objection to extending to the Ger
mans even a mild degree of reciprocity
has always been made with assurance
that Germany could, not strike sack,
and that, regardless of hew unfair our
treatment might be, she would be
obliged to come to us for certain com
modities. The existence of this commercial
""cinch"" is again proven by the meat
famine forcing the Germans to eat cats
and dogs. Its efficacy might he s-UH
farther illustrated If the situation be
comes so critical that the Germans are
forced to eat each other in lieu of
adopting a strictly vegetarian diet. The
moat supply of Germany has seen
troubling that country for a long time,
and as Austria-Hungary, France, Swit
zerland and European Raia, on which
she has depended for supplies not avail
able at home, have only a limited sur
plus, the outlook is not very bright for
an Increasing available supply in Eu
rope. The scarcity may in time force the
Germans to pocket their pride and ad
mit American meats without In turn de
manding that we admit on the same
terms German products of which we
are in need. In thus starving the Ger
mans into submission our eminent high
tariff devotees will, of course, claim a
great victory for that principle of pro
tection that has built up the greatest
monopolies and trusts on earth. And
yet It Is easily apparent that the Ger
man markets could be thrown open to
American .stpekgrowers without caus
ing the feeling of resentment and hos
tility that unfair treatment always pro
vokes. American meats were shut out
of Germany partly in response to a de
mand of the agrarians, but principally
in retaliation for our notoriously unfair
policy of levying a prohibitive duty
against German sugar, bulbs, toys and
other commodities which the Germans
had for sale and of which we were in
need.
It Is not alone the Germans -who are
suffering by this dog-and-cat diet,
which may yet be productive of "dog-and-cat"
relations between the two
countries, but the American stock
grower and the American "consumer of
other producta Is interested. The per
fection of fair reciprocal relations be
tween the two countries would enlarge
the market for American meats and
other products, thus benefiting both the
American producer and the German
consumer. It would also be beneficial
to the millions of American sugar con
sumers as well as the German produc
ers of that staple. In short, the only
sufferers by revision of our unfair tariff
policy with Germany would be the co
lossal trusts that have, by the absorp
tion of high-tariff pap, grown from
"Infant Industries" Into Frankcnstclns
of gigantic proportions.
Cats, dogs and horses may satisfy the
hunger of the Germans, but It will not
Improve their feelings of brotherly love
for the Americans, nor will It be alto
gether pleasing to the Americans who
would prefer having them eat good
American beef, pork and mutton.
VALENCIA DISASTER FINDING'S.
The Canadian commission appointed
to investigate the loss of the Valencia
has reported findings. The verdict ap
pears to be strictly In accordance with
the testimony published In detail in the
newspapers, the only noticeable depart
ure from the general run of the stories
being exoneration of the steamers Sal
vor and Czar from blame for not stand
ing by while there were still lives to be
saved. The men In charge of those
steamers were not censured for the
stated reason that they had not been
informed that people were still alive on
the Valencia by the steamer Queen,
which had reported the fact to the
steamer City of Topeka. The com mis
slon made attumber of valuable recpm
mcndatlons, which. If acted on. will pre
Vent a recurrence of such disasters.
Now that the Canadian commission has
exonerated the Canadian steamers and
blamed the American steamer that
could have saved life, the American in
vestigators will probably reciprocate by
blaming the tugs Czar and Salvor and
clearing the American steamer.
On one point both must agree. That
is, that the reckless navigation of the
lost Captain Johnson was the primary-
cause of the wreck, and the utter lack
of discipline after the vessel struck
contributed to the unusually large loss
oi uie. ine (janaaian report is in a
measure a stereotyped affair, and as
the lost vessel, her owners and crew
were all under the American flag, even
the recommendations made will hardly
have much effect on this side of the line.
With the exception of the stupid sec
ond mate, who was In charge of the
ship when she steamed past Umatilla
Reef lightship without taking bearings,
none of the men responsible for the
safety of the passengers are alive to
day. The captain who goes down with
his ship is supposed to atone in a de
gree -for the fatal error that may have
left him no alternative. He. of course,
pays for his carelessness the highest
penalty that can be exacted, but it is a
question whether or not the example
for other reckless captains is as effect
ive as it would be had he lived to
suffer a more lasting but not fatal pun
ishment. In every seaport city we find retired
mariners whose one fatal error of judg
ment has prevented them from ever
again holding a position of responsibil
ity on a steamship. That these unfor
tunate victims of their own, careless
ness realize their disgrace .and feel It
keenly is ever apparent, and their pres
ence, even if they escape official pun
ishment, is a constant warning for cau
tion on the part of the men who succeed
them. Public opinion, no matter in
what channel it may be diverted. Is a
powerful influence that is feared and
'respected. This was fully recognized
by the late Captain Ward, of the City
of Rio Janeiro. Contrary to orders and
good Judgment, he permitted the pilot
to take his ship Into San Francisco In
a thick fog. When the steamer struck
a rock and all hope of saving a large
number of passengers had vanished.
Captain Ward retired to his cabin and
blew his brains out with a revolver.
His recklessness was not so glaring
and inexcusable as that of Captain
Johnson, of the Valencia, but it had
caused loss of life, and Captain Ward,
feeling his liability and believing that
be had merited punishment, inflicted it
himself instead of waiting and accept
ing the lingering punishment that the
world at times almost unconsciously in
flicts op the men who make mistakes
which cost life. The Canadian com
mission having, in a sense, less at stake
than the American commission, may be
excused from being very severe in its
censure of the company which sent out
the undermanned, badly-navigated ship
with a poorly disciplined crew. In view
of the testimony given 'before the
American commission, it is hardly prob
able? that the findings made from the
Seattle hearing will be more pointed.
A pathetic Incident of the late cold
weather In Eastern Oregon was the
death of hundreds of birds from cold
and hunger. The Incident Is also a seri
ous one In a material sense, since the
war that birds wage on insect pests
during the planting and growing sea
sons Is Invaluable to farmers and or
chardlsts. Like early Spring flowers,
the birds were lured too soon from
cover, and perished in consequence.
This Is one of the incidents of unsea
sonable weather against which no fore
thought can provide. The loss of large
numbers of sheep on the ranges, of
lambs in the insufficiently protected
folds and of calves in open sfcedc.
through which the bleak gln&s swept,
could have been prevented by foresight,
but stockmen took the chance and lost.
It Is not thriftlessness, but overconfl
dence. that sets the trap for stockmen
Jn euch a case. It Is not quite fair to
expect them to prepare extensively each
and every year for the phenomenal sea
son for which alone such preparation Is
necessary and which scarcely comes
once in a decade. Ranchmen who fed
their flocks and herds until the first of
March and then turned them out on the
range at the Invitation of Spring
weather and growing grass, only-to lose
them by the sudden return of Winter,
are entitled to sympathy. As to the
wretched beasts themselves, their part
In the transaction, like that of the birds,
was mercifully short, .but called for
genuine pity while It lasted.
The picture In the long-forgotten al
manac weather wise and pretentious
that hung upon the Jamb by the wide
fireplace in the snow-bound homes of
New England and the Middle West In
far-away years, represented March as
a rude, blustering boy, defiartt of con
trol, riding the tempest, with "snow
fltokes whistling through his wind
tossed hair." The present March, with
Its fierce winds, driving snows and zero
weather, must have recalled this pic
ture to the older folk of the great In
land Empire many times In, the past
ten days. We of the Pacific Coast even
may have recalled Ihe figure, but only
to be thankful that ltk exaggerations
did not apply to our morcfavorcd sec
tion. "Violent of temper, but well In
tentloned and useful." was the descrip
tion given of March in a sketch entitled
"The Plaint of the Dying Year." writ
ten by Jane Taylor, an English writer
In the early years of the past century.
In which the months passed In review
before the expiring monarch. Violent
of temper. March has proven through
out the land this year, but It Is not
too much to hope that his temper may
prove useful In the domain of growing
things by destroying the Insect pests
that, surviving a genial Winter, prey
upon useful plant life.
It is within the capacity of Jacob
Schlff and Edward Harriman to Join
Japan In the administration and financ
ing of the empire's railroads an en
terprise which it Is reported they have
undertaken. Japan had less than 100
miles of railway In 1SS0, and has only
4496 miles now. There are 55S8 miles
In the Union Pacific system, and its
gross earnings In 1305 were J33.95S.994,
against gross earnings of all Japanese
railways of about $26,000,000. It Is evi
dent that the Wall-street men turned
to by Japan have already done greater
things than the one proposed, without
considering the fact that the state
owned railways in Japan already earn
more than half of the total mentioned.
The capital Invested was estimated
without reference to this development
at 5188,102.000. and It Is now thought
that J250.000.000 will cover the amount
necessary upon the proposed basis of
twenty times the average profits of the
three years preceding the war.
There Is likely to be a market In
Japan for all the surplus horses of suit
able grade that can be raised on the
Oregon ranges. Horses to be profitable
either to the grower or the purchaser
must be carefully bred and intelligent
ly handled. In this way only can the
essential qualities of endurance and In
telligent submission to the work re
quired of the animals be developed.
Force without judgment, compulsion
through cruelty, makes a "horse the most
unprofitable servant. It may be hoped
that the band of 100 horses purchased In
the John Day country for the Japanese
government and sodn to be shipped
from Seattle have been bred and han
dled according to these rules.
A movement Is reported in some of
the Eastern cities among the negroes
residing in them to organize a negro
party to insist on representation of the
race by those of their own color In city
governments. Negro leaders have been
urging It In many places. Until the ne
gro population of the North increases
very largely such a movement will be
worse than useless. It can accomplish
nothing politically, and there is danger
that the race problem of the South will
force Itself upon the North, though In
less acute form. Those who advocate
such a movement are. perhaps unwit
tingly, the enemies of their fellow-men.
The traveling public will rejoice to
learn that hat checks are no longer de
rlgueur. A railroad which punished two
men for losing their labels was ordered
to pay damages by an Illinois Judge the
other day. Of course the case has been
appealed, but even a start toward
emancipation from this annoying bit of
corporation tyTanny is encouraging.
A correspondent of the Boston Tran
script wants the spelling reformers to
spell pants p-a-n-c There Is danger,
if this thing keeps up, that Boston will
be swept by a wave of immorality. At
any rate, this Is the first evidence that
Boston ever acknowledged that there
were pants.
The Russian workmen seem to pre
fer revolution to the sort of parliament
ary government offered by the Czar.
Their choice Is probably wise. A gobd
fight is better than a peaceful fraud.
John F. Wallace wants it understood
that "no mercenary Influence" caused
him to leave the Panama Canal to Its
fate. The offer of a 560,000 salary was
simply an unfortunate coincidence.
The less "family Influence" counts in
jCOllege discipline the better. 'Perhaps
the corvallfs -faculty has learned the
lesson sufficiently well already, but
others may still need it.
Something happens once In a while at
St. Petersburg tending to show that the
"Little ' Father" has recovered his
breath and his grip. The Douma Is a
sad affair.
We really can't Imagine what Mr.
Banfield meant. We only know that he
doesn't intend to pay anybody anything
for a highly valuable franchise.
Don't blame John D. Rockefeller HI.
Very few of us are allowed to pick out
our grandparents.
Heard at 2 P. 31.
Lc Famllle Journal.
Mrs. Oldwon John, I've waited and
waited for you to come home, -until I
was frightened half to death."
Oldwon Yes that's Just like you
always doing" things by halves!"
Habit Strong in Jail.
Le JournaL
Jailer ''Sir. there's a reporter outside
wants -to interview yeu."
J Noted Prleoaer "Toil him ra not In."
THE SILVER LINING.
By A. II. Ballard.
Thought for the Day.
The days that pass and I don't see you
Are filled with hours hard to beguile:
Here's from the man with nothing to do
To the girl he thinks of all the while.
Here's that we live our lives each day
So we can face each man and say:
"I'm not ashamed of aught I do.
And you may go to Pandarus. too."
Among today's duties tackle the most
disagreeable first you'll spend less time
dreading ltand the day, will go easier.
-
A girl likes to be called up. but she don't
like to be called down.
.
Devote your time to building something
up. Five minutes a month are plenty for
tearing down.
It Is a good old custom to do some one
a good turn every day.
.
There are always, compensations when
your eyes can see them. If you don't like
the attenuated appearance of the Port
land boys, why, look at the girls.
The mainspring of modern civilization
Is. "Wc need the money."
It is not who you are. but what you do.
Sparc thyself and fall. Be greedy for
work and succeed.
The man who hclfcvcs In himself is a
power In the world.
Dorn the pcqplc who arc always afraid
of failure. They'd be afraid to .enter the
gates of heaven unless thoy were assured
that there was nothing unpleasant within.
In" the game of life be sportsmanlike.
There Is something nice about ncarly
every one you meet If you will only try
to dotoct It
The pivotal point of any business con
cern lies In the personality of Its head.
Everything must be dreamed first before
it can be realized. He who accomplishes
things Is first a drcamor. He who has no
Imagination creates nothing. It Is the
dreamer of dreams, the follower of fren
zied Imaginative flights, who builds up
the world.
When the sun eomos out It seems as If
thor had not bcon much of a storm, after
alL v
a
Definitions.
(Tips. on The Race of Lifc.1 .
HOUSEHOLD A house that holds trou
bles and skeleton?.
COLUMBIA THEATER (sometimes
called Bolosco) A kind of football.
MILWAUKIE A place where you can
gamble.
DIVORCE-t-An arrangement between
bclligeronts. whoroby hostilities are sus
pended. MARRIAGE A contract to pay a wom
an's expenses for a given period and then
be vilified for doing so.
NOSEY A kind of person who has no
business of his own and busies himself
trying to pry Into other people's affairs
for purposes of gossip. About the mean
est and most worthless and most con
temptible individual that afflicts the
earth. A measly yellow dog Is a prince
imperial beside of a nosey person.
GRIT The substance out of which real
men arc made.
COWARD A Wuffer Is always a cow
ard. SPONGE A shade worse than a bluffer.
LIAR Worse than a sponge.
THIEF Worse than a liar.
PLUTOCRAT Worse than all these.
FOREVER Used to state the time a
man declares he will love any given
woman. It means about three weeks. If
everything runs smoothly. Usually, not
so long a time as that.
When Speech Was Golden.
Judge's Magazine of Fun.
A ventriloquist now famous wa at
one time so hard up that he had to
walk from New York to Philadelphia,
says a dally paper. On that occasfbn he
picked up a miserable little dog. "be
cause It looked so much like he felt."
The first house he came to was a sa
loon. He had no money, but went In.
The proprietor, a German, said:
vWell. what will you have?"
He said: "I'll take a little whisky."
and then, turning to the dog. he asked.
"What will you have?"
"I'll take a ham sandwich."
The German was so surprised that he
almost fainted. He looked at the dog
a moment and then askel:
"What did you say?"
"1 sold a ham sandwich."
linns thought It wonderful that a
dog should be able to talk, and-asked
who had trained him. how long It had
taken, etc.. and wound up with:
"How much you take for him?"
"O," said the ventriloquist. "I
wouldn't sell him at any price, but 1
am a little hard up now. and if you
will lend me $53 I'll leave him with you
till I bring the money."
"All right." said Hans. "I Just want
him for a little while, so I can show
him to some smart people I know
around here."
So everything was settled and the
money paid, and as the ventriloquist
went out he turned and waved his hand
to the dog. saying:
"Good-by, Jack. I'll came back soon."
"You mean son-of-a-gun, to .sell me
for J50 after all I've done 'for you. So
help me Moses, I'll never speak another
word as long ns I live."
And he didn't.
Hon He Saw It.
Translated for Tales.
Wlf! 'This book says that In India
it Is the custom to bury the living
wife with her dead -husband. Isn't it
terrible!"
Husband "Indeed it Is! The poor
husband even death brings him no
release."
Something to Please the Children.
Wallace Irwin In Saturday Evening Post.
Something to please the children.
Something to entertain!
Shall I dance, mr dearr, or wiggle my ears.
Or balance myself on a cane?
Shall I stand at the parlor rtstment
And sing to the crowd below?
Or pour hot tea over Grandpa, knee
la a. comical way I know?
Something to please the children;
Anything droll will do!
Shall I lash myself to the mantel shelf
And. poke my feet up the flue?
Shall I spill hot wax on the carpet
Or corer my nose with soot.
Or sum my hair, or drop s chair
On the top of my corny foot?
Something to please the children;
Something that's llRht and gay!
Shall I whistle and scream at the butcher's
team
Eo the horses will run away?
Shall I nans the cat to the curtain.
Or scare Aunt Jane with a mouse?
Shall-- stutter and groan through the tele
phone And then set fire to the house?
Something to please the children;
Nothing that's trite and tame!
They crow with glee aa they come to me
I'm never at loss for a game.
They greet me aa Uncle Henry,
And Jolly good times they see
In the Jovial ways and genial plays
Of an elderly man like me.
ONE CHRISTIANSCIENCE CURE
At Least, Says the Patient 3Ian, It
Cured Folks of Telling Troubles.
(Reprinted from the New York Sun by re
quest of Christian Scientists.)
"I'm no Christian Scientist," said the
patient looking man to the drugstore man,
"but I think Christian Science Is doing a
whole lot pt good In the world."
"How?" growled the drugstore man.
"What good Is it doing? Spoiling Honest
men's business."
"But it's bring a whole lot of peace
and happiness Into the world, too, doc;
take my word for It."
"Thought you said you weren't a Chris
tian Scientist? How Is It bringing peace
and happiness into the world?"
"By Shutting off the poor health bore.
Why. the peace that I've had In my fam
ily t'Incc my folks took up Christian Sci
ence would put the peace conference out
of commission.
"Fact." said the patient looking Indi
vidual. "I've been married 33 years, and
I don't believe there has been a week
during all that time, until my wife went
Into Science, that she dldn t tell me every
day about her headache or backache or
her nerves or her dyspepsia or her cough.
Then there was my mothcr-ln-Iaw: sho
had sciatica, and my Aunt Jane had con
sumption. My partner had Indigestion,
and he did love to talk about It. Old man
Jenkins, my next-door neighbor, had
rheumatism. I never could get him
around to talkin about fixing up the line
fence or repairing the paving, because he
was that absorbed In telling me nbout his
rheumatism. Our hired girl was subject
to neuralgia. ourbutchcr had liver com
plaint, and the school teacher, that boards
with us. suffered with Insomnln. and I
tell you the plain truth, doc, that between
the lot of them I was plumb ashamed to
mention my little attack of bronchitis
that kept me abed for most a month this
Fall
"If one of em wasn't at It the other
one was, and our house was that filled up
with liniment and cough medicine and
murrtard plasters and pill boxes that there
wasn't room for anything else."
"Yes." said the drugstore man mourn
fully, "yes. you folks used to be right
good customers."
"Good customers!" yelled the patient
looking individual. "Good customers!
Well. I should smile. Every dollar T
made went for doctor bills and medi
cine. If there was anything left over, we
nte. If there wasn't, we sat around the
table and talked about our ailments. Oh.
It was great sport, all right. If we didn't
discuss ma's headache we talked about
Alvtry's neuralgia, or Aunt Jane's cough,
or the tcachrs Insomnia, and If those
subjects failed there was always grand
ma's sciatica to fall back on.
"Sometimes, when I got a little bit
tired hearing all about the home symp
toms I went over to call on neighbor
Jenkins, and he regaled me by telling me
his. and his wife. Susan, a mighty nice
woman, would tell me all about her nerv
ous trouble, and what a number of dis
eases hor father had. and what a linger
ing death he had died.
"Sometimes I didn't sleep very goou
nights, and then when I went down to
the office In the morning there was my
partner lying In wait for me to tell me
all about how his dinner had disagreed
with him the night before."
"Well." said the drugstore man, "didn't
you sympathize with them?"
"Sympathize with 'em? I sympathized
with 'em until I was nothing but skin and
bones."
"Well, what happened to stop it?"
asked the drugstore man.
"A Christian Science lecturer struck
our neighborhood. A lot of the folks
went to hear him. and he put It up to
them that It was a rank sin to scatter
disease thoughts through the world by
talklng about It. He said that every
time they mentioned a symptom or a
sickness It not only gave It a fresh hold
over them, but It gave old Mr. Disease
a brand new lease of life so's he could
rush out and tackle some other unfortu
nate. He allowed that if we'd all stop
talking and thinking about diseases for
a while that disease would vanish from
the world and we'd all be well and happy.
"Well, sir. you'd just ought to see the
change that's come over our neighbor
hood. Every time grandma begins to
discuss sciatica, she chokes up like she'd
swallowed her front teeth and goes to
talking about the weather. Ma. she's
lust about forgot that she ever did have
headaches, and Alvlry has stopped telling
about her neuralgia and has got a new
beau."
"Hugh!" said the drugstore man scorn
fully. "Did this Christian Science racket
cure 'em?"
"I don't know whether it did or not,"
said the patient looking individual, help
ing himself to a cigar, "but It did me.
WHAT IS A GENTLEMAN.
Definitions Given by the Psalms and
Cardinal Newman.
New York Sun.
To the Editor of the Sun Sir: Having
read the up-to-date definitions of a "gen
tleman" In your columns, may I submit
the oldest afid m03t comprehensive defini
tion of them all?
"He that Ieadeth an uncorrupt Hfe and
doeth the thing which Is right, and speak
eth the truth from his heart.
"He that hath used n deceit In his
tongue, nor done evil to his neighbor; and
hath not slandered his neighbor.
"He that aetteth not by himself, but Is
lowly in his own eyes; and maketh much
nf tlim thsit fear the Lord.
"He that sweareth unto his neighbor
and dlsappointeiu mm not mougn it were
to his own hindrance.
"He that hath not given his money upon
usury-; nor taken reward against the In
nocent." Psalms, xv.
L. K. PALMER.
Albany. March 13.
To the Editor of the Sun Sir: Cardinal
Newman defines a gentleman as "one who
never gives offense." T give this for the
benefit of "Piccadilly." and will ask him
to compare it with the English definition:
"A man who dresses for dinner," which
he says is the best and truest he has met
With. JOHN SHARPE.
Kingston, N. Y., March 14.
To the Editor or the Sun Sir: If Mark
Twain has not yet found a definition for
the word "gentleman" he might use this
one: A person" whose manners and ways
give no annoyance or unnecessary pain;
and are based on goodheartedness.
The term "gentleman" has no relation
to money or education. There Is a black
smith In Kingston who can give points to
a Beau Brummel as to gcntlemanllness.
J. V. HENRY NOTT.
Katrine. N. Y., March 13.
To the Editor of the Sun Sir: I beg
leave to sugsest to those who are looking
for an adequate definition of a gentleman
that, after reading Cardinal Newman's
matchless characterization, they turn to
the sixty-second chapter of "Vanity Fair"
and read what Thackeray has to say upon
this subject. These two authors have
given us definitions of the true gentleman
which will last for all time.
SHERWOOD.
Rochester. N. Y.. March 14.
Pat's Effort to Keep Lent.
London Chronicle.
In an ordinary restaurant a waiter was
surprised at being asked with Ireland's
inimitable smile for "dlviled whale." "Is
It filleted shark that ye have, thin?" pur
sued the Irishman, on being refused this
delicacy. Again receiving a reply in the
negative, he tried once more. "Thin ye
can bring me some roasted porpoise." he
saldt The waiter snowed signs of becom
ing restive, and Paddy sank back .In his
seat and heaved a sigh of contentment.
"I'll take some roast beef and vegeta
bles." he said, cheerfully, "and sure yo'll
not be for sayjag that I didn't ask je for
fish."
- INSURANCE PROXY FIGHT.
"
Thomas W. Lamson. in Everybody's raaga
glne for April, writes an article reporting the
progress of the contest for the control of the
Mutual Life and Kew Tork Life Insurance
Companies, shows tho tactics that he charges
are being pursued by Insurance magnates to
gain proxies at any cost. He outlines new-plans-to
safely control forthcoming elections
of trustees. Extracts from the article fol
low.): .
.Insiders grew seriously alarmed, when
the names were announced of the commit
tee of Governors and leading citizens
whom I had nominated to be custodians
of my proxies, and who were to continue
the light when I had left It. and when an
apeal was made that policy-holders
should come to the annual meetings . In
person. Before the insurance people there
loomed a picture of from 75,0CO to 100.000
citizens Big Three policy-holders all
gathered In New York City td -attend tho
annual meetings. In their desperation
to procure proxies, the Insurance powers
sacrificed common prudence and let down
the bars. I find them going out of th
highways and byways and actually is
suing policies on large amounts without
a cent of cash premium, in consideration
of receiving the proxy of the assured.
I have in my possession one such alleged
policy for S1C09 beating the signature of
the new president of the New York Life.
Alexander E. Orr, who. of course, Is only
a dummy for the old management. The
policy reads that on the death of one Mor
ris Hurtig. of Maiden. Mass., the sum of
$1000 will be paid to his wife. The affida
vit attached to the policy contains- Hur-
tlg's avowal that he paid no money or
other value for the policy, that the latter
was delivered to and received by him for
Inspection only, and that at the request
of the agent he signed a proxy appointing
Messrs. Claflln, Strauss and Mackaye his
proxies to vote for him at all meetings of
the policy-holders of the New York Life
Insurance Company.
Letters have been sent to me. especially
from the West, stating that appeals for
proxies from Insurance magnates havo
contained such Injunctions to the policy
holder as: "Sign tills proxy and you will
be with the right crowd. . . . Without
exception all are giving us this proxy.
. ". Nobody takes Lawson seriously."
One man from Everett. Wash., writes me:
'Agents of the New York Life Insurance
Company are taking applications for 5300")
giving free the first two years premiums.
with the stipulation that the applicant
gives the company his proxy for two
years."
After mature thought, I have decided
to ask the committee of Governors to Join
with the Armstrong committee in asking
the New York Legislature for the passage
of the proposed law which provides, in
effect, that:
At every election of directors In any do
mestic mutual life Insurance company every
policy-holder whose- Insurance shall have been
In force for at lea-" one year prior thereto
shall be entitled to vote without other quali
fications, in person, by proxy, or by mall.
The board ot directors of each company, at
least four months prior to the date of an
election, are required to nominate for every
vacancy to be filled what rhall be described,
as the "administration ticket." Any 100 or
more qualified policy-holders, may nominate a.
ticket with an appropriate title to distinguish
It. The companies shall mall at least two
month prior to the election the names of
candidates nominated and the person ap
pointed to receive proxies, to all policy-holders
eligible to vote. The Incloaure shall con
tain a scaled envelope for the return of tho
vote and a. blank for the designation of proxies.
The election of my committee's board
will be public notice to the world of the
beginning of the end of the "System." for
the trustees we shall elect will have been
pledged:
Flrat To find out how much has been
stolen.
Second To find out who stole it.
Third To bring suit for restitution.
Fourth To punish the thieves.
At this stage the discomfiture of tba
"System" will be complete.
The Cause 'Rcniovcd. --
Le Familie Journal.
Marie "Are you and Ida good
friends 'now? I thought you used to
be enemies."
Jessie "So we were, but since she
was III she has grown so ugly that I
haven't tnc heart to hate her any
more."
CURRENT COMMENT CLIPPINGS
The man who calls It "Algy Cyrus" "shows
risht away -that he has never studied Span
ish. Boaton Globe.
But now and then, it seems. It Is the heare
that follows tho fla?. Richmond Times-Dispatch
(Dero.). ...
Colonel Bubb will be promoted to Brisradier-
General. reads a dispatch from Washington.
Isn't he rather young for such an honor?
Rochester Post Express.
The Board of "Education of Philadelphia in
sinuate that school teachers who wear high
heeled shoes haven't completed their elemen
tary course In physical culture. This should
bring them down an Inch or two. Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
The wicked trust must produae the books
and their managers must answer all perti
nent questions about their business. It's
tough times for all kinds of concealment.
Publicity 5 the word. Boston Herald.
The prediction la made that should .Mr.
Bryan run for President on a tarlfT revision
platform he would 'sweep the count!- like a.
cyclone." Even Mr. Bryan's friends cannot
help associating Mr. Bryan's candidacy with
wind. Toledo Blad (Rep.).
The aggressive Intcreat which Secretary
Root Is taking In the movement to reform
and Improve the American Consular system
Is thoroughly commendable. Hln notion that
tho service shouldn't be employed as a com
fortable roosting place for lame political ducta
ls correct. Hartford Times (Dem.).
One of the arguments In favor of the alleged
spelling reform Is that It will accommodate
the foreigner who want to learn our lan
guage. That ought to settle It. "We cannot
do too much for the Immigrants. If there Is
anything they want all they have to do Is to
ask for It- Rochester Democrat and Chron
icle. Harper Weekly nominate Wood row "Wil
son for President on the Democratic ticket
In 190S. There's another eminent citizen of
Princeton, N. who has had experience in
that line and may have something to say
about It before the nominations are closed.
Washington Post (Ind.).,
NEWSPAPER WAIFS.
"Tou mustn't kiss me until we are formally
engaged." "Do you always Insist upon that
ruler "I've always tried to." Life-
"Tou eay your first speech made several
convertar' "Yes," answered Senator Sor
ghum regretfully, "from my side of the ques
tion to the opposition." Washington Star.
"Why do you book agents never shut the
door behind you?" Inquired the victim. "Is
It carelessness.?" "No. sir." replied the book
agent, "tfa caution." Philadelphia Record.
Mrs'. Jawback I'm aure I've suffered every
misfortune a woman can. Mr. Jawback OU.
no you've never been a widow. irs. Jaw
tack I believe I said misfortune, didn't I?
Cleveland Leader.
"Queer idea of Jenks in advertising to
trade his auto for a mule, wasn't ltr "There
was some logic In It. He says It lt'a a case
ot eternal swearing, he wants something with
ears to swear at-" Milwaukee Sentinel.
"Your friend Deeply." said the editor, "left
some versea with mo today that were quite
amusing. "Indeed" exclaimed Reder. "I
didn't think he was a humorous writer."
"Neither does he." Philadelphia. Press.
Rimer Have you read any of those versified
advertisements I'm writing for 'Phlsetek's
Pink Panacea' V Crlttlck Tee, and thsy
make me sick. Rimer Good! "that's the ef
fect I want them to have., . It helps the salo
of tho "Panacea." Philadelphia -Ledger.
m
BBS?