r . 6.
THE MORNING OREGONIAN, TUESDAY, JANUARY 23, 1906.
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PORTLAND. TUESDAY. JANUARY 23. 1900.
SA5I JONKS ON SCIENCE.
Being funny Is a trade like any other,
and It probably pays rather well. Cer
tainly funny men; funny books and
funny preachers are In great demand.
The circus clown, the negro minstrel,
the vaudevllle'sollloqulst, is each a per
ennial joy in his own sinful but hilari
ous sphere. Mark Twiiin had delighted
a- whole generation and surreptitiously
acquired their, love before we found
him out and learned that what he had
"been selling us all the time only pre
tended to be fun and was in reality
wisdom of the old Aesopian and Mar
cus Aurelian sort.
In the case of Sam Jones we need
fear no such betrayal of confidence.
He isrfunny and we may revel in his
tfun without fear of a dread awakening
to And it philosophy. Mr. Jones is
sometimes' wittl'.. but he is never wise.
For the most part he is simply .'absurd.
His -ab'surdity Is much like Rip Van
Winkle's when .he came back among
his neighbors after sleeping twenty
years. Rip tried to begin living again
exactly at the p"oint where he was when
lie fell asleep on the mountain. But the
world had moved on. The old life
would not jib'e with the new, and Rip
strolled -among his neighbors seeking
the almost forgotten dead, lost among
the living, si ludicrous figure. He was
ifiQr.e than ludicrous, so near are fears
to laughter, he was pathetic. Still one
must not be unfair even to Rip Van
Winkle. He only -slept twenty years.
The case of Sam Jones Is more aptly
likened, perhaps, to the Seven Sleepers
of Ephesus, whose slumbers In their
silent cave on -the mountain side per-'
sisted for three . centuries. . How
strange, . how perycrse, how "Jackass-
Ical," to borrow a charming epithet
from Mr. .Jones, must the world they
awakened into have seemed to that
3azed and wondering" seven! If they
had only thought to exhibit their queer
beliefs; their antiquated modes of
thought,-their trl-centennial Ignorance
on the stage or. in the pulpit, what a
hit they might have made! It certain
ly shows genius In Sam Jones that.
without the advantage of having slept
three hundred, or even twenty, years,
he can create the illusion of having
slept at least a thousand. So remote
from the living world, so ancient, so
covered with the green mould of the
sepulchre, are his notions of religion
and science, of the relations between
God and man.
Sam Jones Relieves that the Almighty
made the world as an old-fashioned
carpenter built houses, doing all the
work with his own hands unpestered
"by plumbers or - bricklayers' unions.
Perhaps he did. Nobody now living
was there to see. On this point Milton
agrees with Sam and even ventures
upon a rather circumstantial descrip
tion of the work, relating how the King
of Glory "took the golden compass,
prepared In God's eternal store," and
doubtless also the hammer, saw and
square, and, like any other workman,
set about his job. Of course, as Paley
has ably argued, a structure so erected
would tell its own tale. The edifice
would have a plan and would indubita
bly reveal it. It would show -what ma
terial was used In the foundation, in
the superstructure. By studying the
building one could learn exactly how
It was put together, could he not? Very
well; science has done so. Careful, pa
tient and reverent men have gone
through this building erected toy the Al
mighty, have minutely investigated the
details of its structure., and have writ
ten ;out the-results of their study. "What
these men have . learned Jiftout the
handiwork 6f God by the direct study
of that handiwork Ms the teaching of
modern science.
Now Sam Jones-goes on to say that
the architect of the world has written a
book describing his- work and how it
done. This book he calls the Word
of God., He has no .right to do so.
John the Evangelist did not refer to
any book when he spoke of the "Word
of 'God"; he referred to Jesus; out, no
matter. Mr. Jones Jgnorantly and
heetjcally .applies, the phrase to the
-BWIe, and one need -not -quarrer over It.
t3wCpss. wrne point is that Sam be
fty.es the story 'told" In Che bobk con
rricts -tire . story told by the build
Rig contradicts it -so flatly and hope
lessly that only a jackaes would try to
reconcile the two accounts. "I have no
use," says the reverend expert In sacred
vaudeville, "for a minister of the gos
pel who attempts to reconcile the .Word
of God with .the teachings of modern
science."
Suppose we -agree with him that the
two are lrrecpncljaJble; wha.t.then be
c'omm of our-laith in the Bible? The
teachings -of science are those truths
which men have discovered and demon
strated; nothing more, nothing less.
Sam says the Bible cannot be recon
ciled with them. If Sam's opinion were
of any account, what wopld this force
us to conclude about the Bible? For
tunately,. Sam's opinion in of no im
portance, although it prevails somewhat
widely in the churches. The oelief that
the Bible Is hostile to science has no
importance in the world of thought, "be
cause all men of education and intelli
gence know that ancient Jewish liter
ature has no more relation to modern
science than Roman or Greek literature
has. When the Bible was written sci
ence did not exist; how could there be
any hostility between them?Th!s an
cient book, like its contemporaries, con
tains errors In astronomy, geology.
chronology, ethics and almost every
other branch of knowledge: Mr. Jones
asks us to throw overboard the entire
results of the labor of the human Intel
lect for 2000 years and accept these
errors for truth. This Is a good deal to
ask for Jewish literature. Why not ask
the same thing for Latin literature, or
Sanscrit?
It has never occurred to ' Sam, of
course, but It is true none the less, that
absurd pretensions of this sort go far
to account for the skepticism of the
lawyers and the agnosticism of the doc
tors, which he thinks so "jackrassical."
It is not the men that reject absurdities
who can properly be called Jackasses;
it Is the men who accept them. Sci
ence has done too much for the world
to foe discarded now upon the demand
of a person like Jones for the sake of
the uncouth mass of superstition which
he falsely calls religion. To be entitled
to dictate in this domain a man should
know a good deal about science and at
least a little about religion. Mr. Jones
knows nothing about either of them.
CROSSING A lUYEU.
If the North-Bank Railroad is to get
into Portland It must cross the Wil
lamette River on a bridge. It may be
admitted that any toridge is an actual
or possible ohstruction to navigation.
But there are, we think, between Port
land and the entrance to the Colum
bia River other obstacles to the easy
progress of deep-sea vessels, quite as
formidable as the proposed bridge.
They have, nevertheless, not visibly re
tarded development of the port of Port
land or growth of the enormous com
merce now carried In ocean-going and
river craft on the broad waters of the
Columbia and the Willamette. These
obstacles, natural and artificial, are
euch as are to be found on and in every
great river in the world, and have been
overcome or avoided by the persistence
and Ingenuity of Government engineers
and by the Intelligence and skill of
river navigators.
Portland has four -drawbridges cross
ing the Willamette within the bound
aries of the city. Construction of
every one of them has been opposed by
river pilots on the ground that they Im
peded or would Impede navigation and
would greatly injure the prestige of the
port Tet we find all sorts of vessels
of every dimension going freely through
these bridges and a greater deep-sea
commerce than ever engaged In by In
dustries and manufactories located
above the bridges.
It is of the highest importance to the
commercial interests of Portland that
the North-Bank Railroad shall enter
this city, and ?o no voice anywhere has
been raised openly agalns.t location by
the corporation of terminals on the
west side of the Willamette. To that
end the river must be crossed, and. It
must be crossed on a bridge. For rea
sons not necessary to 6tate now. It is
undesirable and Impracticable to re
quire all railroads to unite In construc
tion and maintenance of a new bridge
near the present site of the present
steel bridge. If such a structure were
to be built, there would be a total of
Ave bridges, just the same as there
will be If there shall be a bridge at
Swan Island. The North-Bank Rail
road nrefers the latter location. The
Oregorilan can see no valid objection to
permitting Its construction there, pro
vided a greater obstruction to naviga
tion is not thus eet up than by Its lo
cation elsewhere; butlocatlon elsewhere
must be feasible. It seems to The Ore
gonlan that the offer of the railroad
company to enlarge and improve the
channel at that point, and to make in
the bridge a draw-span wider than in
any. of the other four structures, dis
closes a purpose dnd desire to impede
river traffic In the least possible meas
'ure. The Oregonlan Is not disposed to
give great weight to the objections of
opposing railroad interests, nor to the
river pilots themselves, who uniformly
complain about any bridge anywhere in
the river. .The river, to be sure, is Na
ture's highway. But the right to navi
gate a river is, we think, not para
mount to a right to cross it.
PRESIDENT EUOTS DREAM.
President Eliot, of Harvard, believes
that the trend of the world Is toward
democracy. ."One hundred years frpm
now," he said In a recent address, "this
great Nation will be the most demo
cratic the world has ever known," add
ing that the progress of democracy
would be the special feature of the ad
vance of civilization during the twen
tieth century. This means that the peo
ple are to have a great deal more to do
with the control of affairs than they
have now. Can we foresee what some
of the changes will be which President
Eliot thus confidently (prophesies? It Is
impossible to say what they will be;
easy, however, to say what they might
be. For example, every state in the
Union might adopt the principles of
direct legislation and popular nomina
tions, following the example of Oregon.
United States Senators and Federal
Judges might be chpsen by popular
election. ,
It may be predicted also that within a
few years we shall set a much higher
value upon human life and welfare
than we now do. The law will compel
manufacturers to guard dangerous ma
chinery, to provide hygienic workrooms,
to concede hours of labor not ruinous
to health. Regard for the family will
limit the labor of women and forbid
that of young children. As democracy
prevails we shall think more highly of
the comfort and happiness of the com
mon man, trying, if "possible, to yield
him in return for his faithful labor a
more adequate share in the desirable
things of 3lfe. We shall also try un
ceasingly to fit the common man for a
nobler destiny by making his education
sane and broad. He must have skill of
hand, skill of brain, and a lofty con
cept of duty.
As President Eliot suggests, the rise
of the democracy will abolish classes
and privilege. AH classes will merge
in the one great and honorable multi
tude of American citizens; all privilege
will inhere In every .man alike by vlr
tue of his American manhood. It Is a
noble dream, worthy of the 'great man
who has uttered it. May he live to see
It become reality.
TARIFF REVISION FOR CONSUMERS.
If, as reported, a majority of the Sen
ate Is opposed to the Philippine tariff
bill, there is very small reason for hope
that it will pass. The protracted strug
gle In the House has apparently failed
to accomplish anything beyond supply
ing work for the Government printers
and perhaps increasing the activities of
the sugar and tobacco trust lobbies.
One peculiar feature of the discussion
over the Philippine tariff was the mild
interest shown in any other commodi
ties than sugar, rice and tobacco. This
particular bill, of course, covered only
products grown In the Philippines, the
commercial status of which is slightly
different from that of products of coun
tries with which we have no political
connection. At the same time, the ef
fort to give the Filipinos their just
dues could come under no other head
than that of "tariff revision," and the
manner in which the subject was dis
cussed falledto disclose much of a dis
position to -permit this" revision to cover
a wide range.
Throughout the discussion there was
apparent Indifference to the Interests of
consumers. We were assured that the
sugar trust and the Southern planters
had no grounds for complaint, because
It had been proven, in the oase of Cuba,
that the price of sugar in the United
States would be unaffected by change
In the tariff. This may be good argu
ment for mollifying the feelings of
6Ugar manufacturers, but it Is not the
kind of tariff revision that the con
sumer Is In need of. It has apparently
escaped attention of the able politicians
who are so glibly discussing tariff re
vision that the consumers constitute a
much larger class than all others com
bined, and that they have rights In the
matter that cannot be forever Ignored.
The country Just at this time is enjoy
ing unparalleled prosperity. There Is
work at good wages for all who seek it.
Under such circumstances there is less
of a feeling of unrest over the injustice
of the tariff than there Is when times
are hard and work Is scarce. There Is
nothing In the history of the past, or
the outlook for the future, to warrant
heller that we will not again suffer a
relapse which always follows a period
of high-pressure prosperity. When that
relapse comes, and Idle or poorly paid
men feel the weight of hlgh-tarlff-pro-tected
prices, there will come a demand
for the real thing In tariff revision, and.
If the party In power falls to heed that
demand, it will suffer smashing defeat
at the polls.
The time to call a halt in this matter
Is long overdue, and It Is" to be regret
ted that there is very little In the tariff
discussion over the Philippine bill to
Indicate that thought had been given
to the wishes or lights of the consumer.
If his rights are too long neglected,
there will be elimination of party lines
that will surprise some of the protected
Interests which have been cracking the
-party whip for so long.
SQUARE DEAL FOR ALASKA MINER.
Our humorous friend, the Seattle
Post-Intelllgencer, regards the efforts
of Portland to secure an Assay Office
as laugheble." and scouts the idea, as
being "ridiculous." Seattle has labored
so long under the Impression that the
Alaska trade is its own by divine right
that any Intimation on the part of an
other port of an effort to secure even
a' portion of it is the signal for a vio
lent, swelling of the Seattle head, ac
companied by wild digressions on sub
jects not at all germane to the ques
tion. For this reason, introduction by
Senator Fulton of a bill" providing for
an Assay Office at Portland calls forth
irom the P.-L a tirade against our
Senatorial representatives, who are al
luded to as "one man and a makeshift,"
The discussion of Oregon's Congres
sional delegation, past or present, has
nothing to do with establishment of an
Assay Office at Portland. There . is
some question about the degree of guilt
of our unfortunate representatives In
Congress. There is -no question about
the gross mismanagement and whole
sale thievery practiced at the Seattle
Assay Office.
The Interest the Alaska miner and
business men have in this, matter is not
whether BInger Hermann and J. N.
Williamson are or are not guilty of
land frauds, but Instead whether or not
Alaska is to have relief from the Seat
tle method of extracting gold from the
Alaska- miners without rendering an
equivalent. When the Alaska worm
first turned from the weight of the re
markable disclosures regarding the
system under which the Seattle Assay
Office was conducted, the roar of indlg
nation was so great that even com
placent, self-satisfied Seattle sat up
and took notice. Under the spell of a
temporary period of virtue, she made a
demand that the Assay Office be placed
In direct charge of a Government offi
da! connected with the Treasury De
partment, hoping by this action to re
store confidence. Sober reflection, how
ever, convinced our enterprising neigh
bor that this would be a needless waste
of Government money, which should be
distributed in Seattle, and now. Instead
of a Treasury official, Mr. Vilas, a local
politician, is to be placed in charge.
Mr. Vilas is a good man, but he Jives
in Seattle, and the men who have been
sending their millions out of Alaska to
the Seattle Assay Office are still smart
ing under the sting of the injustice that
they have suffered in a Seattle-man
aged Assay Office.
It is not on these grounds, however.
that Portland is asking for an Assay
Office. This city is the financial and
commercial headquarters of the Pacific
Northwest.- Some of the greatest flnan
clal and commercial Institutions on Pu
get Sound are financed and controlled
by Portland, men. Practically all 6f
the gram business of Oregon and more
than half of that of Washington and
Idaho" Is handled by Portland men.
This city, through Its location and
through Its commercial and financial
"prestige, is entitled to an Assay Office.
It is also entitled to a share of the
Alaska trade, which Seattle now as
sumes is exclusively its own, and, as
soon as we get time, we shall go after
and secure our share of, that trade.
Seattle, grown arrogant through her
long-undisputed sway in the Alaska
trade, through the Post-Intelligencer
asks why we do not try to move Fort
Lawton to Portland. This question is
undoubtedly prompted by analogous
reasoning from the effort being made
by Seattle to. secure the Government
trade at Fort Vancouver, situated six
miles from Portland.
To allay the suspicions of -the Seattle
paper, we -will state that Portland is
not desirous of the removal of Fort
Law ton to Portland. First, because we
have -no use for the fort here, and eec
ond, because It may be badly needed
in its present proximity to Seattle if all
of the Alaskans who have been robbed
should make a concerted move on the
Queen City and demand restitution of
the wealth which has been unlawfully
taken away from them. Portland may
not succeed In getting the Assay Office
this year, but Seattle, as well as Port
land, will be a loser If we fall, for the
tide of gold which formerly set this
way will now be diverted to San Fran
cisco, where the miner Is assured of a
square deal. The question Is, would
Seattle prefer to see that business go
to San Francisco Instead of Portland?
Evidence of the pacific nature of the
waters which roll around Cape Flattery
continues to accumulate. The Seattle
Post-Intelligencer of January 20 prints
the following:
ArmnHni- ' Mnnr4 tt I vri sf the Mer
chants Exchange, the little schooner Carrier
Dove put into Clallam Bay yestercay wun
her deck load badly shitted. Foe the iaei
vmv th tittt tinim,r hu been beating
around Cap Flattery In an endeavor to get
to sea. Tee strong" sales lorcea ner oc
time and again. The vessel was loaded with
lumber la Everett and waa bound for San
Pedro.
In strange contrast to this fruitless
'endeavor to iret to sea" Is the experi
ence of the lumber fleet from Portland.
Durintr thewk that the Carrier Dove
had "been beatinc around Cape Flat
tery in an endeavor to get to sea" Ave
lumber-laden schooners the Beulah,
Forest Home. Robert H. Hind. Georgi-
ana and Virginia left Portland and
crossed out to sea at Astoria with no
delay, while a dozen other vessels were
couallv fortunate. And vet the Ancient
Order of Fossilized Sailing Ship Owners
make a discrimination of Is 3d against
Portland in favor of Puget Sound.
Hiehest nralse Is riven Portland In
the many letters received by the Com
mercial Club from the railroad men
who visited this city last year. The
opinion expressed by the railroad men
Is strictly in line with that of thou
sands of others who were charmed by
the beauties and the possibilities of the
Rose City. Where the favorable senti
ment regarding Portland is so nearly
unanimous as It is amonr the thou
sands of visitors who attended the Fair
last year, vast good Is. bound to come.
It is still early to look for tangible re
sults on a large scale from the whole
sale advertising which this city, state
and Northwest has received, but the
letters from our Eastern friends all
bear evidence that the leaven Is work
ing, and in due season we shall receive
the full benefit for our labors In con
nection with the big show which so
graphically set forth our wonderful re
sources.
There may be a tinge of Ingratitude
In the action of Mayor McClellan. of
New Tork, in turning his back on Tam
many as soon as he was safely seafed
in the Mayoralty chair. Still, we must
remember that evcrslnce Noah made his
successful escape from the high water.
self-preservation has been one of the
first rules obeyed by mortal man, and to
this day, when a crisis comes. It Is still
a case of "the devil take the hindmost."
Mayor McClellan Is not a fool, and even
a man of very ordinary Intelligence
could understand that there was a ter
rlble meaning behind that enormous
vote cast for William R. Hearst- Un
doubtedly Hearst would have been the
victor had It not been for wholesale
jobbery by Tammany. McClellan has
no good words to say for the bridge
that carried him over the gulf he so
narrowly missed. Instead, he has aim
ply burned It behind him.
The .panic In a church In Philadelphia,
resulting in the death of eighteen per
sons and the serious Injury of many
more, is but an Illustration of what
may happen at any time. In any one of
thousands of churches and public halls
Because there is usually no crowding
or confusion, the doors are made nar
row and there is only one exit. In pub
lip halls In most of the smaller .towns
the exit opens upon a narrow, steep
stairway, which Is certain to become a
death-trap in case of sudden fright In
the audience. The danger Is not ap
parent, or, if apparent. Is not removed
until after the catastrophe has oc
curred. Not only in large cities, but
also in the towns and villages, should
the people Insist that exits to public
buildings shall be large enough to per
mit hurried emptjing of the assembly-
room.
With all Its "defects, the direct pri
mary law has Its meritorious features.
Since candidates must appeal directly
to the people for votes, and In the most
effective way, they are making explicit
promises In their platforms concerning
the policies the- will pursue. This Is
-particularly Important so far as state
and county offices are concerned. Each
aspirant strives to make better pledges
than any of his rivals, and by this com
petition the fleople may well expect to
profit. The roan nominated will be on
record in no uncertain tones, and the
people will have every opportunity to
hold him closely to. his promises. If
the people cannot shut off the grafts of
the fee system now, they never can.
Since the big railroads are actually
building lines toward Portland and
transportation facilities commensurate
with the large "prospects of our city
are assured, no wonder the raliroad
men of the country in general send
encomiums and congratulations to the
distinguished spirit of the Commercial
Club, Mr. Tom Richardson. They mean
it, and their words are welcome- It Is
much like the rest of the people at a
reception after some well-known man
has bestowed particular attention upon
a beautiful woman. After that every.
body In the room seems to suddenly
awaken to her charms.
McClellan kicking over the Tammany
traces is In line with the spectacular
actions of Hoosevelt when the Repub
lican bosses made him Police Coxnmls
sloner in New York some years ago.
These strenuous young men, whether
Democrats or Republicans, have
habit of making themselves too power
ful to suit the bosses after the latter
have raised them to eminence. But
It's good for the cause of the -people.
Summer weather in the Middle West
Sunday, and a raging buzzard yester
day. Middle West weather would be
all right If they could strike a general
average.
.Mayor McClellan Is bucking the Tam
many tiKer. and proposes this time to
be a real Mayor. He has Just learned
that the Tammany tiger is not a real
tiger. .
Mr. Bryan takes the trouble to wire
back that "his views about the inde
pendence of the Philippine Islands l&ve
not changed." we feel reassure
THE SILVER LINING. .
Sunshine in the morning, carry'an um
brella. Fog in the morning, wear a silk
hat. This is Portland, and not any
other place on the globe.
There's many a soul that wants to work
you beneath a. smiling face.
Liquid eyes kindle fire. Instead of put
ting it out like any ordinary, we II -behaved
liquid.
There Is a tide In the affairs of men
which. If let alone, you'd Inherit
our father's money all right, but- it you
take the situation by the horns you'll
probably wind up.xunnlng an elevator In
a Chicago "hotel, or wash dishes in a res
taurantboth Jobs are safe, because at
least you eat in each case.
Before marriage woman wnts the last
kiss; 'after marriage, she wants the. last
word.
The biggest Job -ever let out to man. if
the report is to be taken literally, has
just been ordered by Governor Folk, of
St. Louis. He has given orders to clean
up the entire police department. Great
gods! So glad we:don't live In Missouri.
A January Summer in New York, a
blizzard In Kansas, freezing ' In Denver
and. Chicago, and politically hot In Port
land. "Variety Is the spice of life In this
glorious country America.
Russia's- doldrums and nightmare of
punishments continue. First she was
scored by -Japanese bullets. Then she was
scored by Internal throes. Now she Is
being scored by the words otnearly
everybody "on earth. Is there a limit to
her capacity for the reception of male
dictions? It Is understood that France's loyalty
regarding the Monroe doctrine is believed
in. and that she will be given a free hand
in the execution of the programme for
the solution of the Venezuela problem.
This is In consonance with human nature
and the advantage the Frenchman's skill
in diplomacy has earned. If he fools
you. he does it so politely that the ex
perience is a pleasure. It Is possible for
a bunco artist to be so suave that his
absorption of your worldly goods Is com
pensated for by the educational Influ
ence of his gentlemanly behavior.
.
A young lady who said that she wa3
sure she would tell all she knew If she
went on the witness-stand was told by
her lawyer that that would not confuse
the jury any. And now she does not know
what to make of "her lawyer's remark.
Some five years ago the late Maurlce-
Barrymore and Nat C. Goodwin were
sitting In the Lambs Club, trying to
keep cool, with the aid of certain iced
mixtures, when Wilton Lackaye entered.
accompanied by an Englishman who was.
at that time, making a tour of the United
States. After Introductions the English
man was Invited to partake of the Iced
refreshments, and did so several times.
without, however, offering to return the
compliment. Finally. Goodwin asked him
what his business or profession was. and
received the reply that he was a writer.
Lackaye suggested that it might be a
good idea for him to write his biography.
whereupon Barrymore said.
"No, not your biography; your auto
biography!"
"With the accent on the 'auto!' " sug
gested Goodwin.
'No," corrected Lackaye, "with the
accent on the' 'bll "
"Pardon, gentlemen." Interjected Bar
rymorc: "both wrong with the accent on
the 'auto-bl! "
Then the Englishman did buy.
My son has been out of m college ever
since he went In.
Tom Masson says that some men would
argue against babies to the mother of
one.
Her new gown was an exact and lovely
fit. When sho got through her husband's
bank account showed just seventy-one
cents left.
John Randolph, of Roanoke, he of the
biting tongue, once remarked of an op
ponent that he reminded him of certain
tracts of land "which were almost worth
less by nature, and became entirely so by
cultivation."
Conservatism is merely a polite name
for stupidity.
Ao author's book filled a long-felt want
he was able to pay something on ac
count to his grocer.
The best remark on the New York
Stock Exchange was made by a country
visitor. His stockbroker friend told him
that seats on that exchange were sold
for as much as 5SO.0CO. and he replied:
"Then I don't wonder that most of 'em
standi"
.
Daniel Webster knew the precise value
and significance of words. It Is said that
when his wife caught him kissing the
maid she exclaimed that she was "sur
prised." "No, my dear," replied the
Intrepid statesman: "I am surprised. You
are astonished!" Curtain.
MISUNDERSTOOD.
She said she'd sing some songs for him.
And he was sore beset; -
She meant it as a promise, but .
He took it as a threat.
Houston Post.
They say he gets along so well with
his wife that he scarcely knows he is
married.
NEWSPAPER WAIFS
"Ther had only been engaged a week -when
he borrowed money from her father." "Why
did h -wait so lonsr" Judje.
"Winter en the Farm "Hen layin now.
days. Sir "Ton bet they be, HI." "Goahl
Mine hain't. Layln wellr" "Xiw. Layin
off." Cleveland Leader.
"So your daughter has becona a soloist?
"Necessarily;" answered Mr. Cumroz. wear
ily. "Per hap I ought tty be thankful that
he Isn't a- trio or quartet." Washington Star.
Smith There go Brown and his wife. He told
me he fell In love with her at first sight.
Jones Host He must have married her be
fore he got & chance to take a eecoad look.
Chicago Dally Kews.
"What Is there about this Rev. Dr. Hold-
forth to make him such a popular preaaher?
"Oh! Jack, you gooae don't you know that
he was the first to advocate rerlilag the ten
commandments;" Brooklyn Life.
Reporter Uncle, to what do you attribute
your long- life? Oldest Inbablfaat I dos
know Tit, young- feller. They' a several of
these patent medicine companies that's dick
erln with me." Chicago Tribune.
"Miss Peppery." said Mr. Boreas, "I doa
think May Knox k a very rood friend of
yours." "No?" replied Mtoa Peppery, .with an
unconcealed yaws. "No. She told ne if
called ca you I'd ely be wasting my
tlase." "Ah. I see. Sfce don't cewlder my
Usee werth anythwg PjUMdelpfcla Press.
SMBliii'Vr milium " ' .'...' v "
LET BRIDGEBE BUILT.
Why Xorth-Bank Ha 11 road Should
Not Be Obstructed. .
PORTLAND. Jan. T.-(To the Editor.)
The able and comprehensive editorial in
Saturday's Oregonlan on the subject of
the proposed new railroad bridge will
meet with the approbation of every friend
and supporter of Portland's future wel
fare and advancement. It seems to me
the pilots have been talking too much.
and they will think so. too. when they
have considered for a while. Captain
Emken's statement that the city ought
to purchase (condemn) the present rail
road bridge, remove It and build In Its
place a four-track structure which should
be used by all railroads wishing to cross
the river. This would require a wider
bridge and necessitate larger piers and a
longer draw span. Therefore the old piers
would have to be removed from the river
and new ones constructed. Again, the
captain falls to tell how all the roads
would be able to reach this new bridge
whllo the Harriman lines own the ap
proaches to it. Truly this scheme Is too
Islonary to merit serious consideration.
and yet It Is about on a par with the ob
jections which have been urged against
the bridge below Swan Island, which will
be a factor In making Portland the most
flourishing city on the Worth Pacific
Coast.
The fact Is. if J. J. Hill, the- great rail
road builder, had come to Portland a
year ago. called Its leading business men
together and said: "Gentlemen, If the
people of Portland will give me JoOO.000
and the right to bridge the Willamette
River 4S0) feet below Swan Island, I will
construct and operate a double-track
railroad from Pasco to Portland and turn
the traffic of three great continental rail
road systems directly into your city," the
answer would have been, "We will do it."
But as ilr. Hill did not ask for a bonus
or any other concessions, and Is, In fact,
doing this great thing, when he asks to
bridge the river In the least obstructive
place that could be selected, opposition
has sprung up. and the people are letting
Mr. Hill and his able assistant. C. M.
Levy, fight the battle for Portland's wel
fare at their own expense and with but
few expressions of sympathy. Certainly
this kind of treatment would not be very
encouraging to ordinary men. who might
get tired of It and proffer their favors in
other localities.
The pilots have opposed every bridge.
so far as I can remember, and I remem
ber a time when ships blew Into Portland
harbor without the use of licensed pilots.
They opposed the Morrison bridge and the
steel bridge, and said that each would
ruin the harbor and that no large vessel
could pass them; but the bridges were
constructed and the pilots shove the big
ships and steamers through them with
such neatness and dispatch that all must
admit they know their own business.
The pilots say the site of the new bridgo
Is only 4S0O feet below the turn at Swan
Island: but they fall to state that a sec
ond bridge Is less than COCO feet above the
steel bridge, and between them a vessel
has to make a winding turn of nearly 'JO
degrees to follow the course of the chan
nel. And yet the pilots would select tne
site of the steel bridge as the place for
all railroads to cross the river.
The agents of another company say the
bridge will be a great detriment to Port
land unless Its trains are allowed to uso
the bridge on the same terms as Its
builder. If the O. R. & N. Co. wants an
other means of crossing the river. It
should construct a bridge at Albina.
where one Is very much needed, and
where It would afford the most practlcablo
entrance to the terminal grounds from
the railroad's yards and Its water-level
tracks. This bridge and all other rail
road bridges across the Willamette
River should have an upper deck for
team and pedestrian travel, and so elim
inate the free ferries.
The new railroad Is going to be in fact
It has been, already of Inestimable bene
fit to Portland, and It will benefit all
Oregon, and especially Eastern Oregon
the latter by forcing the O. R. & N. Co. to
run locals between Pendleton and Port
land so that passengers from Hs branch
lines will not have to stand around at
connecting (?) stations waiting for the
overland train which is generally from
three to seven hours behind time. Even
such small things as these will work to
the advantage of Portland, and no selfish
objections should be allowed to retard
the great pre-eminence in commercial re
nown which will result from the con
struction of the north bank road.
In a few years hence. If the knockers
do not get In their deadly work, we may-
expect to see the Dakota and Minnesota
and other mammoth steamers In Portland
harbor, and Its commerce will have ex
panded so "Immensely that the pilots
combination monopoly will have money
to burn, and large ocean craft will be
shunted through seven bridges without
danger and wltho.ut damage.
With all such glorious blessings In im
mediate prospect. It really appears to mo
that a sense of public spirit, of loyal
patriotism, ought to silence all opposition
to the construction or tne bridge -oeiow
Swan Island.
W. S. CHAPMAN.
Side Tjlghts on History.
Chicago Tribune.
Herbert Spencer had evolved the law of
"the survival of the fittest."
"Still," he said. "I can't explain on any
hypothesis that occurs to me Just now,
why the Ichthyosaurus, the pterodactyl,
and the megatherium have become ex
tinct, while the flea, the German carp
and the English sparrow continue to af
flict mankind."
Reflecting, however, that these medita
tions were out of order when formulating
a scientific theory, he forbore to Incor
porate them In his published works.
A Poster Tragedy.
Baltimore American.
A three-eheet Dude on a two weeks' run.
Fell In love with a Poster Maid.
Ah. fair was she and fond was he,
And fierce was the love he made.
They were posted on opposing boards
On each side of the street.
And the Dude he pressed his suit so warm.
While the Maid she smiled so sweet.
The Dude waa In a problem play.
The orchestra, two per:
The Maid waa In a burlesque show,
Tcn twent thlrf good for her.
Tet though their stations lay so far
In social rank apart.
He felt he could forget his pride
Jn the passion of his heart.
The Gibson Girls in a vaudeville.
Who stood with languid grace .
Oh the next billboard. In vain displayed.
Their charms before, his face.'
They wore, fine gowns and then air breathed
style
But their arts were vain, for he. passed them
by
For the burlesque Foster Girl.
But she faughed and danced with her gaudy
smile.
Unheeding all his sighs.
Till the bill men came and took her down
Before his anguished eyes.
And they put up Instead a Pirate Band.
To the watching crowd's great Joy;
Aad there In melodrama wild
They pasted a Bandit Boy.
That night the Pirates softly stole
From their places on the sheet.
And charged, led by the fierce Brigand.
Ob the Dude across the street.
Then came a fierce, unequal strife
'Twlxt the Social Problem Man
And the uncouth but strong muscled bunch
Of the Primitive Passion Clan.
They fought as the world haa ever fought
When - maid, plays fast and loose;
"Yoa stole my gal." cried the Bandit fierce.
And wotrida't take any excuse.
It was Just before he was tors la half.
Te the Pirates fiendish Joy,
That the poer Dirfe learned his Poster Girl
Was en (aged ts the Bandit Boy
THEY OWNNO LAND.
Taft Vindicates Philippine Commis
sioners Army Rules Are Strict.
WASHINGTON. Jan. 22,-Secretary Taft
today sent to the Senate a statement In
response to a resolution calling on him
for Information as to "whether any mem
ber of the Philippine Commission or any
officer of the Army or the Navy of the
United States directly or Indirectly owned
on December 1. 1903, or now owns, any
land In the Philippine Islands, or had at
any time or now has any interest or right
in any land of any character, and If so.
what auch ownership, Interest or right
Is. where the land is situated, partlcularly
with reference tp the location of pro-
posea ranroaas m said Islands, and who
said officials are." Mr. Taft said:
When 1 was Civil Governor of the PhiHn-
vlnea. an article was Dubllshd in a Manila
newspaper containing an Insinuation that some
member of the Commission waar Interested In
investments In the Philippines. This was the
occasion of an investlcation which t insti
tuted to ascertain whether any member of tha
men commission bad made any investment In
land or otherwise In the Philippines at that
time, and I learned, bv neraonal InvntlnH
that' no American member of the Commission
had any such Investment In the Philippines.
Of course, the Filipino members of -the Com
mission were known, when appointed, to ba
owners of landed estates.
Hard AVork to Find Out.
With referenco to the question whether any
officers of the Army have any Interests In
lands or have obtained an option for the pur
chase of them along the line of projected rail-
ways or elsewhere, I beg to ray that cer
tainly 73 per cent of alt the officers of the
Army have been, at some tlmo or another
srtnee American occupation, on duty In the
Philippines, and that Inquiry directed to thtt
question whether any of these officers, who
number some SOW. have the Interests men
tioned In tho resolution of the Senate, could
not be answered by personal statements from
each officer of the Army under four months.
The Secretary quoted a circular issued
by General MacArthur at Manila in May.
1900, while commanding the Army in "the
islands curing military government, say
ing it Is presumed that its Injunction was
obeyed. General MacArthur. In the cir
cular, quoted the following article from
"Instructions for tho Government of Ar
mies in the Feld":
Forbidden by Army Regulation.
Neither officers nor soldiers are allowed to
make use of their position or power In the
hostile country for privato gain, not even
for commercial transactions otherwise lesltl
mate. Offenses to the contrary committed by
commanding officers will be punished.
Mr. Taft said in conclusion:
In view of the very burdensome character
of the Investigation necessary to discover
whether among 300O persons there may be
any one who has an Interest in 'land In the
Philippines, I respectfully request the further
Instruction of tho Senate with a view to pos
sibly narrowing the scope of the Inquiry In
accordance with the Information or report on
which the resolution was presumably based,
so that full answer may be made In 'a shorter
time than four months. So far as the In
vestigation Into the ownership of land in the
Philippines by officers of the Navy is con
cerned, I beg to point out that 1 have no
Jurisdiction to make Inquiry with respect to
them, and I have accordingly forwarded a
copy of the resolution to the Secretary of the
Navy for such action as may be deemed
proper.
' Commissioners Own Xo Land.
In his reply; to my request for a statement.
General Wrisht paid:
"I have not now and never had at any time
any Interest, direct or indirect, in lands or
any other property In the Philippine Islands,
any option for tho purchase thereof, except
household goods personally necessary to the
comfort of myself and family."
He added that there are three Filipino mem
bers of the Commission, each of whom is a
man of considerable property and, "as I hap
pen to know," all three of them "are larsc
landowners. ' The lands owned by them, how
ever, I am Informed, have not been recently
acquired., and I should be very much astonished
If they have recently acquired any land along
the line of tho projected railroads."
Commissioners Iile, Worcester and Smith
each cabled that he does not and nerc;r did
own any land In the- Islands nor had any
Interest In such land of any character, direct
ly or Indirectly, or any options to buy land.
Commissioner Forbes declares that he haa
never had or has any Interest In land In the
islands. Commissioners Igarda. Tavera and
Luzurlasa have a detailed statement of tho
land owned by them in the Philippines and
when acquired. Messrs. Tavera and .Lcgarda.
declared that, so far as they knew, none of
their land will bo affected by any proposed
new railroad lines'. Mr. LUzurlaga said he
owned land in the Province of Nesros Occi
dental and said he does not know whether any
new railroad lino will pass any part of hl3
holdings.
"WANTS PIITL1PPIXE SECRETARY
Tavera Resigns From Commission.
Delegate in Congress Needed.
MANILA, Jan. 22. T. H. Pardo de Tave
ra has resigned his position as a member
of the United States Philippine Commis
sion, assigning as a reason his belief that
the Filipinos should have a portfolio.
His resignation has offered an opportu
nity for one of his colleagues to express
a desire that In future there be a Filipino
delegate In Congress.
Commissioner Ide Is receiving thousands
of congratulations on his appointment as
Governor, which Is universally approved,
though marly regret the transfer to Japan
of ex-Governor "Wright.
NA3LES THREE AMBASSADORS
President Appoints Wright and New
Governors of Philippines.
WASHINGTON, Jan. 22. Tho President
today sent the following nominations to
the Senate: , , .
Ambassadors Extraordinary and Pleni
potentiary Luke E. Wright, Tennessee, to
Japan: David E. Thompson, Nebraska, to
Mexico; Uoyd C. Grlscom, Pennsylvania,
to Brazil.
Governor-General of the Philippine Isl
ands, Henry Clay Ide, Vermont.
"Vice-Governor of the PhillDpInes, James
F, Smith, California. .
Assistant Attorney-General, Josiah A
Vanorsdell, Wyoming.
Postmaster Charles A Berg, at Liv
ingston, Mont.
Newlands' Plea Against Bill.
WASHINGTON, Jan. 22. Senator New-lands-today
concluded his statement In
opposition to the Philippine, tariff bill, in
the hearings, now proceeding before the
Senate committee having in charge this
measure. He took the position that it
would be cruel to the Filipinos to accus
tom them to a subsidized price for their
sugar and return them to the world's
price, about 523 a ton less, when the Phil
ippines are separated from this Govern
ment.. The hearing was adjourned until
Tuesday.
Debate on Statehood Wednesday.
WASHINGTON, Jan. 22. The House
committee on territories gave final con
sideration to the Joint statehood bill
today. Chairman Hamilton will report
his bill favorably tomorrow and tho
Democrats will flic a -minority report.
Unless the present plans be changed,
the Hamilton bill will not be consid
ered in the House until ' Wednesday,
when the Republican leaders propose
submitting a rule to prevent amend
ments. Supreme Court Takes Recess.
WASHINGTON, Jan. 22. Chief .Jus
tice Fuller today gave notice cf tnree
weeks recess of the Supreme Court of
the United States, beginning next Hon-
day. The recess is taken for the con
sideration of cases whlc.h have been
nrsented to the court
i