THE arORXIXG- OREGOAIAX, FRIDAY, JANUARY 19, 1906. Entered at the Postofflce at rortland. Or., as Second-Class Matter. SUBSCRIPTION BATES. CT INVARIABLY IN ADVANCE. "C2 (By Mail or Express.) DAILY. SUNDAY INCLUDED. Twelve months $8.00 5tx months Three months rj? One month Delivered by carrier, per year Delivered by carrier, per month.- Less time, per week 'j0 Sunday, one year "Weekly, one year (issued Thursday)... 1-50 Sunday and Weekly, one year HOW TO REMIT Send postofflce money order, express order or personal check on I'our local bank. Stamps, coin or currency are at the sender's risk. EASTERN BUSINESS OFFICE. The S. C. Beckwith Special Agency New fork, rooms 43-50, Tribune building. Chi sago, rooms 510-512 Tribune building. KEFT ON SALE. Chicago Auditorium Annex. Postofflce News Co., 178 Dearborn street. ' Denver Hamilton & Kendrlck, 006-912 Seventeenth street; Pratt Book Store. 12H Fifteenth street. Goldfleld, Nev. Guy Marsh. Kansas City, Mo. 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Senator Tillman's attack on the President test Wednesday was ex tremely bitter. Some of the epithets ae used were such as Judicious his torians would hesitate to apply to a tyrant like Bomba, the infamous des pot of Naples, or Louis XV. the most degenerate and cruel of the French Bourbons. He accused Mr. Roosevelt of blockading San Domingo with the United States fleet "in the Interest of Shylocks and sharps"; of maintaining in that unhappy island "a government of cut-throats, assassins and liber tines"; of defying the Senate of the United States; of reducing the House of Representatives to a hand of subser vient slaves with "clanking chains"; of hounding on the mercenary newspapers to "threaten Congress"; of deceiving the Nation about Panama affairs through his "press agent. Joseph B. Bishop"; and. last and worst, of failing to punish the negro who followed "t Mrs. Morris heels" while she was car ried from the White House "like a bag of salt." While recounting this final outrage by the President upon his gen tlemanly susceptibilities, which are known to 'be excessively delicate, Mr. Tillman wept. Against charges like these, so malig nant, bo intemperate and so vague, the only proper answer is that demand for full and candid investigation which Mr. Roonevelt has made repeatedly and which he reiterated almost as soon as the Senator from South Carolina had ended his hysterical tirade. It is use less to deny what nobody believes; it Is vain to reason against charges which are absurd and false upon their face. But regarding San Domingo it may be well to recall the facts which led our Government to support Morales and his colleagues. Morales has proved tin-m-orthy of that support; he was un doubtedly a bad man and a bad ruler. But when Mr. Roosevelt interfered -In his -behalf he had shown none of his detestable qualities. He was dc facto ruler of Santo Domingo, and appeared to be acting for the best interest of his people. The island was deeply Indebt ed to European nations and had no means to pay with. "At Jeast two for eign nations were on the point" of sending fleets to collect their bills by force. One nation. Germany, had de termined to seize upon a (part of the island. This would have been a viola tion of the Monroe Doctrine nd would have forced us to choose between re ceding from our historic policy or going to war. At the request of the Santo Domini can government, Mr. Roosevelt inter vened. By "the unofficial assurance that America would strive to help Santo Domingo in her hour of need," he induced France and Germany to forego their purpose of invading the island. . Pursuant to this assurance, Mr. Hay negotiated a treaty with Santo Do mingo by which the United States offi cials were to administer her customs and collect funds to pay the foreign creditors not the "Shylocks and sharps," as Mr. Tillman calls them all, but the honest creditors. The unjust debts, by the terms of the treaty, were not to be paid. This treaty was duly submitted to the Senate, and the Sen ate, with contemptuous neglect of Its constitutional obligations, did not deign to notice it. Mr. Tillman was then a Senator, as he still is, and part of the blame of that almost treasonable mis feasance belongs to him. Meanwhile the danger of interna tional war hung over the country. To avert that danger, and for no other reason, Mr. Roosevelt sent men to ad minister the Dominican revenues and begin to pay the foreign debts of the island. His action was intended solely to preserve international peace, and It succeeded. He did not defy the Senate. He merely adopted a temporary expedi ent to avert war until the treaty should be either ratified or rejected. "In the meantime," these are his own words, "a temporary arrangement has been made which will last until the Senate has had time to take action on the treaty." If the arrangement has lasted a long time, so has the Inexcusable delay of the Senate. The fault has not been Mr. Roosevelt's. This is all there As in Mr. Tillman's charge that "he was carrying into effect a treaty that had never been ratified." There is still less in bis other charges. Mr. Tillman's extravagant hatred of the President has its roots in his still more extravagant hatred of the negro race. Few have forgotten the demon lac fury of his language when the ques tion was before the Senate of confirm ing the negro Crum, whom Mr. 'Roose velt had appointed Collector of Cus toms at Charleston. Everybody also remembers how Tillman's Invitation to dine at the White House was revoked on account of his abusive violence. There can be no doubt that the Senator from South Carolina has waited pa tiently ever since to revenge himself. The fortunate concurrence of the Pan ama wrangle, the Santo Dominican revolution and the ridiculous Mrs. Mor ris episode gave him the opportunity he longed for. All these things may have happened In such close succession purely by chance, but that is not likely. The ex travagant outcry over them In the'eor poration press may be dictated by con science and right reason only, but that is hard to believe. Mr. Tillman's re iteration of this outcry in the Senate just in the nick of time to distract at tention from the matter of railroad rates may or may not be purely fortui tous. His abuse of the House of Repre sentatives for standing with the Pres ident and the people may or may not be part of an effort preconcerted be tween the railroads and their creatures in the Senate to discredit Mr. Roose--velt, block rate regulation and delay the construction of the Panama Canal; but Jf some astute genius had prear ranged all these events with those ends in view, he would have ordered them exactly as they have happened. The simple truth of the matter seems to be that the enemies of the canal and of rate regulation are seizing upon every occurrence which can be tortured to the discredit, of the President and his meas ures and using It for all it is worth. Whether Mr. Tillman Is their active ac complice or their blind tool, his wild and whirling words fit beautifully into their scheme. win this fiasco? Why was not Richards convicted? Proof that he was conducting a disor derly house was abundant, convincing and respectable. He run? a restaurant where many people of excellent repu tation and approved character cat. He has bachelors' apartments where many persons of correct habits no doubt abide; but there Is no rule of the house that requires that their habits shall be correcL Not to put too fine a point on it, men and women may do as they please at Richards' hotel. There is no doubt about IL 'Why, then, was he not convicted? It is not altogether explained by saying the jury was "packed." The jury list was drawn by Mayor Lane's police deparlmenL It was their business to see that there was an impartial and disinterested box. Obviously they failed for some of the persons called were from the Munici pal Association, which has for Its ob ject the arrest, conviction and compul sory effacement of men like Richards. These persons could scarcely be con sidered Impartial and disinterested, and they were rejected as Jurors. The re mainder came from the class who evi dently can see no harm In such places as Richards; and they were not impar tial or disinterested. Now, how did all these get in the jury-box, and why was the great body of right-thinking, fair minded and reasonable citizens over looked? There are men In Portland who could give Richards a fair trial who are not Involved 4n the political and personal or other schemes of the X,ane administration on the one hand, or in sympathy with the loose, immoral and demoralizing practices of the mid night frequenters at Richards' on the other. They could have reached a sane and acceptable judgment as to whether such places as Richards' arc necessary or not, or whether or not it Is neces sary to drive them out of business. The verdict in this case was the inevitable outcome of a stupid, bun gling and apparently vindictive prose cution, by which is meant to include all the sensational events leading up to the trial. If the public has accepted the verdict with indifference a verdict rendered in face of notorious facts It Is because It has not been convinced that there was a genuine and whole some inspiration toward reform throughout the entire affair. THE IMMIGRATION MENACE. The report of Special Immigrant In spector Braun on European immigra tion discloses a situation that is little less than disgraceful. This report makes It quite clear that the hospital itj of the United States is being griev ously abused by the scum of the Old World, shipped over here In the steer age. It discloses a systematic arrange ment by which these aliens come Into the country and depreciate the labor market for our own citizens or for hon est immigrants who intend to become citizens. After amassing what in their own country is considered a fortune, these aliens return to Europe with everything that they can take with them, and their places are filled by other aliens, wfco are encouraged and cautioned by those returning to confine their interest and efforts in this country solely to what they can get out of it. without rendering anything In the way of loyalty and citizenship In return. It is, perhaps, well for this country that these offscourings of humanity do not become citizens, but this docs not alter the fact that their presence in our country is highly detrimental to those who have a right here. Another flagrant abuse of our gener osity in the citizen-making line Is re ported In the case of the Armenians, Turks and Syrians. These fretful no mads come over to the United States in great numbers, and, unlike the Hun garians, who avoid becoming citizens, they are railroaded through to citizen ship as rapidly as possible. As soon as they receive the magic document granting them the protection of the United States, they hasten back to the land from whence they come, and begin stirring up trouble. Their facilities for this work are vastly Improved by a brief sojourn in the United States, for, no matter how low, contemptible and thoroughly despicable an American citi zen may be, the strong arm of our Government reaches out to protect him, no matter where he may be when he gets into trouble of his own making. So numerous have become these machine-made citizens that the Governor of one of the Turkish provinces recom mends its annexation by the United States, -for the reason that it contains at present "more American citizens than there are Turkish citizens." This problem of alien labor is one of the most serious now confronting the American people, and, unless stricter surveillance Is exercised, both in this country and on the part of secret ser vice men abroad, grave trouble may yet result- The presence in the United States of a foreigner who declines citi zenship is financially detrimental to us in time of peace, and becomes a menace In time of war. He takes our money In time of" peace, and sends it to a country which at any time might be Involved ip war with us, and In the evjent of war weuld turn and strike us If it were to the interest of his native country for him to do so. As previously stated. It Is perhaps to our advantage that a large number of these aliens do not become citizens, but something is radically wrong with our immigration policy that it enables ad mission to this country of individuals who are unfit to become citizens. These objectionable aliens crowd Into our Eastern cities and intensify the strug gle which our native citizens are mak ing for existence. Here In the West we have thus far been Immune from the presence of this class of Immigration, but At the energetic but Irresponsible transportation agents find the field for their activities narrowing on the Atlan tic slope they may transfer their efforts to the Pacific Coast. The Japanese as Immigrants are In finitely preferable to some of the Euro pean scum that Is ferried across the Atlantic and dumped at Ellis Island, but there are undesirable features In Japanese labor, and sooner or later we may be forced to take the same stand to protect the Western laboring man that is now so urgently necessary for preserving the dignity of labor and the peace of the commonwealths which are the most infested with the alien labor of the Old World. The revelations of Inspector Braun are sufficiently alarm ing to demand immediate attention, and an Improvement in the quality, even though it results In a decrease In the volume of Immigration, is imperative. RAILROAD COMMISSION'S QUANDRY. The wheatgrowers of the Big Bend country and along the main line and Spokane & Palouse branches of the Northern Pacific Railroad are on the eve of an awakening regarding the joint rates which the Washington Railroad Commission will soon order Into effect on wTient. These deluded growers, who clamored for a railroad commission In the belief that its com ing would increase wheat prices, will without doubt be surprised to learn that the Puget Sound millers have united in demand for a Joint rate on wheat not for the purpose of Increas ing the price to the farmer, but. on the contrary, because they expect It to reduce prices for the miller. The mill ers, of course, are very philanthropic, but they have not yet reached a stage of Imbecility, where they are anxious to pay more for their wheat than they are now paying. They do not wish to get over into the enlarged field now reached exclu sively by the O.- R. & N. Co for the exclusive purpose of advancing prices to the farmers now dependent on the Portland market. They are insisting on a joint rate In order that they may throw the weight of the heavier sup plies In Portland territory on the smaller supplies In their own territory and thus break the market. In effect. Institution of a joint rate on wheat will nullify all advantages now enjoyed by the wheatgrower In Puget Sound terri tory without in the slightest degree Increasing the price for the grower In Portland territory. Perhaps the most peculiar phase of the controversy Is the strange position in which both complaints are placed. The farmer demands a joint rate on wheat for the alleged reason that with It 4n effect he can secure higher prices from the Puget -Sound millers than from the Portland buyers. The Puget Sound millers are asking for the joint rate for the alleged reason that, with It In effect, they can purchase their wheat supplies from 1 to 2 cents- per bushel cheaper than they can secure them at presenL There is a great disappoint ment In store for one or the other of the two parties who are now claiming the same interest in joint rates. Just at present there is only one party with a grievance over the joint rate. That parly is the railroad com pany which built its line Into a terri tory where the Northern Pacific and Great Northern would not build. Nat urally, It now objects to converting Its road into a feeder for the less-enterprising lines which did not build Into that country. Later there will be an objection heard from the Big Bend farmer who discovers that his close proximity to the Seattle market docs not give him any advantage In price over the farmer situated over in O. R, & N. territory on the other side of the state The railroad commission, when It tackles the wheat joint-rate problem, will be in a position often described as "between the devil and the deep blue sea." ZIONISTS IN STRAITS. The Dowlcltcs are In stress of cir cumstances, financial and religious. Their Elijah has not proved the prophet of prosperity and godliness which he proclaimed himself to be, but a sordid tithe-master, a selfish spendthrift and an impostor generally. The holdings of their Zlon are large, but heavily en cumbered. Dowle has been taking ex pensive trips at home and abroad, while they have been tolling and saving and rearing children at his behest at home. And now they find themselves In a strait betwixt the two. They must stick to Dowle to keep their creed from becoming a laughter, or they must kick him out to save themselves and Zlon from bankruptcy. The latter course will. In the end, be pursued. An empty bag cannot stand upright In these days, any more than It could In the good old days of "Poor Richard" and his homely precepts. And the Zlon bag Is empty of financial ballast and Its pious wind, Is likely to be let out by a sharp punc ture any day. The question in this stress is. What shall be done with Dowle? He went round the world at the cost of 5100,000 to Zlon's treasurj't and returned to plague the officials further. He went to New York on a proselyting tour and Zlon was taxed for thousands without a convert to help foot the bills. He was sick and went to Mexico, and came back hopelessly well the treasury minus other thousands. If he Is re pudiated, Zion is without a head; if re tained, it is without funds or credit, with blanket mortgages over the whole zeal and hard cash do not make a good blend. They may seem to fuse for a while, but the latter eventu ally 'becomes the ruling element, and costly churches and temples dedicated to founders who openly scout and de ride material things while turning every penny possible to their own profit remain monuments to human folly when worked upon by pious greed. Dowle'a Zlon has had, relatively, a brief existence. It may hang upon the skirts of credulity yet for a time, but it must soon be soughtin the bone yard of ecclesiastical fanaticism while those who stood for its financial obli gations must hustle to pay the blli. The tirade of Senator Tillman against President Roosevelt and the vituperative seal with which he seeks to exploit the ejection of Mrs. Morris from the White House as a discredit to the President are characteristic of the man. Proud wlelder of the pitchfork In politics, he rises to a distinction pe culiar to himself every time he appears upon the scene of contention or debate. It Is the easiest thing in the world to exaggerate an incident like that of the ejection of Mrs. Morris into a grave misdemeanor, and even a crime. A pugnacious, . persistent, struggling woman Is not easily handled, as Mrs. Carrie Nation demonstrated to the sat isfaction of those who attempted to "put her out" at various times. The scene In such a case is not an Inviting one. and it is difficult for the spectator to decide where necessary force leaves off and needless force begins. It Is pos sible that the attendants at the White House used more force than was justi fiable In putting this woman out. since it has been disclosed that she was un armed and without other purpose than an ardent desire to be admitted to the presence of the President. Past experi ence has, however, demonstrated with fatal emphasis the danger of taking good intentions for granted when a crank seeks to shake hands with the President of the United States. The rivalry between Seattle and Ta coma is quite pronounced, but there Is still an opportunity for it to increase. If the boomers of the two cities are really anxious to have the world know which of the two ports is the greater, they should segregate their business and let the world know the true status of each individual port. For example, we would like to know whether Seattle, Everett or Tacoma Is the big flour port of Puget Sound. The Government sta tistics for 1905 show that the three ports shipped 1.952,127 barrels of flour, but no segregation by ports Is made. If an equal amount was shipped from each of the three ports, the average would be 654,042 barrels, compared with 1.0SS.343 barrels from Portland. Of course, every one knows that Portland is the principal wheat and flour port of the Pacific Coast, but It would be Interesting to know whether Seattle, Tacoma, Everett or San Francisco is in second place. The capacity of the people of some of rthe Russian islands for self-govern ment Is on a par with that of a few of the "peppery" Southern countries where revolutions are more frequent than equinoctial storms. The spirit of revolution having been subdued on the mainland in Russia, has found lodg ment in the Islands of the Baltic, and one of the smallest of these has already overthrown one president and set of government officers. It Is reported that the present ruling magistrate addresses his sovereign people as "my faithful subjects." If he has taken that view of his relation to the men who will be ex pected to pay the taxes and fight tho battles. It will not be difficult to fore cast his flnlsh. The "subject" Idea of government Is one of the main explo sives In the bomb over which Russia Is sitting. The attention of the International Association of Sailing Ship Owners Is called to the fact that i number of association ships are being delayed on Puget Sound from one to three weeks rowing to their inability to get crews. Earlier in the season some of the ves sels were subjected to long delays be fore they secured cargo. The average time In port for grain ships at Port land this season has been much less than Ibat of the Puget Sound fleet. These are a few of the many facts which cause shippers to wonder how the ancient fossils who instituted the Is 3d discrimination against Portland and in favor of Puget Sound can recon cile their actions with the facts In the case. They should have set an alarm clock before they went to sleep after flxlng the discriminatory rate. It is certainly time for them to wake up. There is and always will be one very" serious difficulty in the enactment of laws by the Initiative that the meas ure cannot be amended after it has once been framed and submitted. It Is indeed a -wise man or body of men who can draft a bill without serious defects. Discussion almost invariably discloses an error which the authors of the bill did not see. But once a proposed law has been published and put in circula tion for Initiative signatures. It Is too late to amend, and the measure must stand or fall, the good with the bad. For that reason direct legislation should be only along fundamental lines, and In such brief, concise form that there may be no doubt as to lefral ef fect or possibility of complication. An attempt will be made to add seed less persimmons to the list of citrus fruits that have been brought to per fection by cultivation. The flavor of the native persimmon is much finer than that of the Japanese variety, but its multitude of seeds is against Its use as a table fruit. These eliminated, it would become only less popular than the seedless orange. The Department of Agriculture will experiment with the fruit by grafting some of the buds of the only needless persimmon tree that is known to exist In this country upon other stock. The effort Is of Interest to horticulturists. Poultney BIgelow Is a product of ir responsible journalism, which manu factures its facts. He will not give the authority for his information, for there is no authority. Irresponsible journal Ism created the story that Chief Engi neer Shonts gets $150,000 per year, de riving Its facts from the same place BIgelow did nowhere. The Senate committee seems disposed to bring BIgelow to account, but It is to be doubted if it Is worth while. The world knows him for a liar and sensation monger, and that ought to be punish ment enough. The local evangelist who claims to prove the existence of hell by Black stone's "Commentaries" Is probably aware of the fact that modern disciples of the famous jurist have won more desperate cases with less weighty legal authority. Clil service, gas -Investigation for the benefit of the gas company, and the Richards case these are the three recent flascoes of the Lane adminis tration. The decks are cleared for the next. Possibly all the excitement over that Richards witness list was occasioned by the startling reflection as to what and whom It might have Included. Birmingham Is for protection and the rest of Great Britain for free trade. The discovery that the tariff Is a local question la about due la England. Prhps Mr. AleX-Ray .will try agate. THE SILVER LINING. Doesn't It strike you that there is an other Impressive exemplification going 'round to the effect that it Is man's de light to bark and bite, as well as dog's? It may be a satisfaction and a pleasure for some men to Jump on Roosevelt real hard. but. as the roisterer commented during the evening, we'll be looking for trouble in the morning. . It's the actor's delight to stand In his own light. He lookcth outward into the mirror, the line of his vision curves around and goes Into himself again. The Image of self Is so huge and so close to him that it blots out all the world beside. He can only see himself, and that Is enough for the nurture of his soul. Of two evils, choose both; you'll prob ably bowl both over or fall between them and neither will touch you. Swing your bat and hit the ball. You've got three trials at it. anyway, and confi dence that you can hlt.it Is as Important as technical skill. a "Are you back from your vacation for good?" "No, for evil." It's an 111 wind that does not bring a cold. It's a wise child that knows Its own father, runs the proverb. Speaking of prevalent conditions today, don't you think that when there Is any question about It. the child ought to be furnished the bare facts, so as to be able to make an Intelligent selection? To require eru dition and wisdom seems a little tough on the child. "Tell me the company you keep, and I'll tell you what you are." Well, I had a man worth twenty millions in my office for quite a while today, but somehow I don't seem to have anything more than my salary to look forward to, notwith standing my luxurious experience. I do feel a kind of reminiscent glow of yellow-metal geniality consequent upon that rich man's presence, but If you fellows think that affects my bank account, you lose. If you arc too bent on pleasure you may break yourself. Never pretend to be what you are not and you will never be found out. Is that too Intricate? Read it twice. There's meat there. It you embrace an opportunity in a public place you misht embarrass the op portunity. It all depends upon the oppor tunity. Carolyn Wells brings news of speqial Joy In heaven Just now, thus: "At least" remarked the Cherubim. "There's one sure thing that must de light us." "What's that?" inquired the Seraphim. "Wc cannot have appendicitis!" The courageous man. when asked by his son. defined a thoroughbred as fol lows: "I am. my son. when your mother Is away on her vacation." The dinner dance In question Is de scribed as highly successful it cost twice as much as they could afford and nearly all the spoons were stolen. Oh. joy! A guilty conscience needs no Richards. A subpona makes cowards of us all. Why not make the Annapolis Naval Academy self-supporting by charging 10, 20 and 30 eonts admission to the hazing trials? The "rabbit dance" by Midship man Kilduff and other stunts that have been done for the court's enlightenment and edification since the beginning of the Meriwether hearing arc undoubtedly su perior to the overworked vaudeville acts now on the boards. He that lunches In the night stumbles. Marry in haste and ropent in Dakota. Dowle Is downed. He claims that he was Elijah, then reincarnated as John the Baptist, and now Is re-born as Alex ander Dowle. History repeats itself. John was beheaded, and Alexander gets it in the neck. The Idea that a skating rink can make more noise than a collection of commer cial traveuers Is good. The consuming curiosity of the prudes whenever the lid Is lifted Is sweet unc tion to the soul of the Irrevocably de praved. Most of us arc among the de praved and indifferent. t While Mr. Hearst tours the land bow ing his acknowledgments to the admiring- populace, McClellan in little old New York deals out the offices and ginger to the boys around the Mayor's office. The limelight of official investigation does not interfere with the Incessant metallic rattle of the merging copper interests. The Lcwisohns have engi neered another $50,000,000 company, and they all arc still at it in the same old way. Are you going to vote, or are you go ing to let some one else do it for you? There's more In that question than you think. It's loaded. Look it over. When Irving Was Turned Down. Bram Stoker, who for many years was connected with the management of the late Sir Henry Irving, tells of an amusing incident which occurred during the player's tour of the Middle West, It appears that Irving; In order to break a "long Jump" from Chicago to another city, was desirous of securing for one night the theater of a town In Indiana. Accordingly, Stoker wired the Individual who was both proprie tor and 'manager of the play-house In question, requesting that Sir Henry be given a night's engagement. In a short while Mr. Stoker received the following: "Does Irving parade?" When shown this the distinguished Briton was much amused. He directed Stoker to reply that "Irving- was a tragedian, not a minstrel." The further reply came. "Don't want Irving unless he parades." Harper's Weekly. Never Give All the Heart. W. B. Teats in McCIure's. Never give all the heart: for lore Will hardly seem worth thinking of To passionate women, if it seem Certain and they never dream That It fades out from kiss to kiss. For everything that's lovely la But a brief, dreamy, kind delight. O never rive the heart outright. For they, tor all smooth 11 pa can my. Hive given their hearts rap -to the play. And who can play It well enomch If deaf and dumb and felted with fove? .He that made this kaows all Mm cost. For he &ve all kta heart a4 lost. iMAHOUT NOTCHAUFFEUR. Chicago Tribune Special. Mark Twain as solved a National prob lem. He has found a substitute for the most maligned and unpronounceable word In the new language of automoblllng chauffeur. This word, which he declares Is said in nine different ways, all of them wrong, he would abolish and establish "mahout" In Its place. Mark Twain announces his discovery in a letter to Harper's Weekly, to which this quotation is a preface: Scarcer had Watchman Fowler taken his post at the Kate when & procession of strange creatures appeared. "Halt! Who goes there?" ejaculated the watchman when a fat .negro approached, laboriously leading & thin, bow-legged goat. "Dls hcah beast Is Ole Ironsides, suh." ex plained the goal's mahout. From "Dani the Bulldog." In the Times. "When I read it," the letter says. "I recognized with a thrill that the right i word had been found at last mahout. Tho 'mobile, that majestic devil, that. Impres sive devil. Is our elephant, he Is In a class by himself, like the Jungle monarch; to be his master, pilot and compcller Is a post of solemn and awful dignity and dan ger, and it does seem to me that that measly word 'chauffeur does not properly flt the occupant of It. Chauffeur Is a good enough word when strictly confined to Its modest and rightful place as you will see by what Littre says about it. I translate: 'A chauffeur i3 the flrer-up on the street corner,, peanut roaster; In English, stok er.' A good enough word, you see. in Its own place, but when we come to apply It to the Admiral of the thunderous 'mobile or of the mighty elephant we realize that it Is inadequate. No, stoker Is not the thing, chauffeur is not the thing, mahout Is the tnlng mahout Is the word we need. Besides, there Is only one way of saying mahout, whereas there are nine ways of saying chauffeur, arid none of them right. With ever-Increasing respect, dear sir, as the ages roll on, I am yours, "MARK TWAIN." OUR WINTER BIRDS. Mnny ot These Little Fellows Sur prisingly Tame. St. Nicholas. It is surprising that there are birds which come to us only to spend the Win ter, leaving us again at the beginning of Spring for northern lands and snow banked hillsides, where the long day and palo twilight nights of the Arctic reign. Birds that raise their broods in the far. treeless northland, where heather, grasses and stunted alders grow on a shallow soaking sol! underlaid by a great depth of eternal Ice, at the approach of Winter gather into great roving flocks to surge southward to that gentler climate of our blizzardly "temperate" Winters! Yet all young country folks have seen these rest less, wandering flocks of Winter lovers, and occasionally even In the towns and cjtles there arrive unfamiliar companies of fat. fluffy birds, busily opening the cones of the firs and spruces, or devour ing the buds of the maples. Many of these much-traveled little fel lows are wonderfully tame and seem not to experience fear of man so universal wjth animals that rear their young In his neighborhood. Pine grosbeaks and cross bills, whose real homes arc in the silent moss-filled spruce forests of the great north, will almost allow themselves to be caught in your hand! With the field roving kinds, like the snow-buntings, horned larks and longspurs, this fear lessness is not found, probably from the constant lookout they are forced to keep against the cunning- and hun gry white foxes and the daring trap jawed little ermine that persistently hunt them in their northland home. But the rosy little red-polls, the creep ers, kinglets, "little friend chickadee," as the Northern Indians call him, and all the other deep forest dwellers, are as unafraid of us as they are of the gentle porcupines and deer of thoir home woods. A Model Witness. Cleveland Plain Dealer. The opposing counsel What is your name? The witness (appealing to the Judge) Am I obliged to answer this? The Judge You are. The witness My name is Todgcrs. "First name?" "I decline to answer." "On what ground?" "It would be construed into a reflection on the good taste of my parents." "Where were you born?" "I decline to answer." "Why?" "Because all my information on the sub ject is of the hearsay character." "But you wore there at the time?" "I decline to admit it." "What Is your age? "Before answering I desire to consult with my attorneys." "What is your ostensible business?" "I do not remember." "Arc you in any way connected with tho Ramrod Trust?" "I do not remember.",. What Is its capitalization?" "I do not remember." "What Is your salary?" "I do not remember." "Arc you married?" "I do not remember." Tne Judge 'inc hearing will now be ad journed until 10 o'clock tomorrow morn ing. And I want to congratulate the op posing counsel on the marked progress they have made in advancing the case. Charge of the Mad Brigade. (With acknowledgments to Tennyson.) Louise Stevens in The. Woman's Home Com panion. Half a block, half a block. Half a block onward. Tacked Into trolley-cars Rode the six hundred. Maiden and matrons hale. Tall spinsters, slim and pale. On to the Bargain Sale, Rode the six hundred. Autos to right of them. Hansoms to. left of them, Flyinr trains over them. Rattled and thundered. Forward, through all the roar. On, through the crowd they bore, To Blank & BIankeys store Redo the six hundred. When at that mart of trade. Stern-faced and unafraid, Ob. the wild charge they made! All the clerks wondered. Theirs not'to make reply, Theirs not to reason why. Theirs but to pacify. All the six hundred. On bargain still intent. Homeward the buyers went. With cash and patience spent. And friendships sundered. What' tho their hat sport dents "What tho their gowns ahow rents . They have saved thirty cents; Noble six hundred! Celtlc-Frlnged Tatrlots. Ensllsh Review. Tho Scotch and the Welsh are only too prone to come and make good livings in England. But they get quite nasty-tempered occasionally when Englishmen go to Scotland or Wales. Recently an Eng lish lawyer was barred from a Scottish 'town clerkship simply because he was English: now Sir Watkln Wynn Is being flagellated by the Denbigh police com mittees because he prefers an intelligible language like English to a series of quaint noises like Welsh. Auto Sense. Fllegenda Blatter. Automobilist How stupid that the police regulations require us to display larger Mimbers; now we'll have to travel so aauch faster, so they can't be deciphered. YELLOW NEWSPAPER GLOSSARY New York Sun. PRETTY GIRL. Any unmarried human female less than 33 years old who gets Into the news. SOCIETY MATRON Any married woman, from a bartender's wife up through the so cial grade, who gets Into the news. SOCIETY GIRL Synonymous with "pretty glrl. See above. EXCLUSIVE Adjective applied to any club or social organization which excludes Indians not taxed, convicts and persons of more than one-half negro blood. NOT EXPECTED TO RECOVER Phrase applied to the condition of all persons in jured In course of news story- PROMINENT YALE GRADUATE Any one wearing a boiled shirt, arrested for any thing above a misdemeanor. MULTI-MILLIONAIRE Person possessed of property worth $50,000 or over, or a rela tive of a person listed In the Social Register. Up to three years ago "millionaire" was used In the same sense. THIRTY-TWO CALIBER. PEARL HAN DLED Phrase which must always be at tached to the noun "revolver," unless other wise ordered. TOT Any child under 7. In a pathetic story the adjective "tiny" must always be prefixed. PLUCKY WOMAN Any woman who did not scream. HEROINE Principal female character In any burglary story. Otherwise synonymous with "plucky woman." q. v. PROMINENT CLUBMAN Any bachelor leasing apartments at $30 a month and up ward. Also members of the Paul Kelly and Timothy D. Sullivan Associations who hap pen to be arrested while wearing dress suits. FATALLY INJURED See "not expected to recover." above. FASHIONABLE APARTMENT HOUSE Any dwelling which has an elevator. TODDLE Verb applied to the walk of a tiny tot. Sec under "tot" for correct usage. WELL DRESSED Phrase always applied to a woman who, when arrested, is com paratively clean. , Must be used In a story about a prominent clubman, q. v. above. SNUG SUM Money. RAFFLES Any thief who wears a collar. CRISP FIVE DOLLAR BILI Five dollars. COZT Adjective always applied to home to which the remains are taken. WUZ Synonymous with "was." but Indi cates dialect. HURLED Motion of passengers, cars, and cabs at the time of the accident. FAINT Course taken by all the women within six blocks of the accident. SCREAM See "faint" above. WILD PANIC Inevitable result of the ac cident. DASH Gait of the crowd at the time of the accident. "Rush" Is synonymous. "Run" is not good usage. D N Damn. HEIR Child having $300 coming to him from a life Insurance policy. RING OUT What shots always do- HURTLE Verb used of motion of any falling object, especially a brick or a suicide. HAVOC Good word to use almost any where. HIGH Adjective which must be prefixed to noun "noon" In the accbunt of a fash ionable wedding. TRUST Any money not owned by the pro prietor. SLAY Synonymous with obsolete verb "kill." JUGGLE What Is always done with the funds of a bank or trust company. IRONMASTER See Andrew Carnegie. COLLEGE GIRL Any woman who has ever gone to school. BANDIT Person guilty of crime against property 'for which the penalty is more than 10 days in Jail. BURLY Adjective always applied to a male negro. PROMINENT Descriptive adjective ap plied to farmers, plumbers and dentists. BOUDOIR Any bedroom the rent of which is more than $l.r0 a week. GLOBE TROTTER Any one who has been to Hohokus. N. J.. Klttery, Me., or Peru. Ind. DEAL Any business transaction which Involves more than $1000. GEMS Personal ornaments worth more than $1.73. PERIL A great word to ufc almost any where. It tones up the story. NURSE NORAH DEDUCES. Woman's Home Companion. "Do yc see th ma-an over there?" demanded Norah. suddenly. "F'r sure." answered Flynn. "Can ye tell me anny thing iv him?" "Niver a thing." ' "He's not a married man," asserted Norah. "an" he's not in love an he don't live with his folks an he don't live at a club an he don't live at a hotel." "How do ye know?" "There's two buttons off his vest an wan off his coat," said Norah. "If he was a married ma-an his wife w'u'd ha-ave thim sewed on., if only so's th' neighbors w'u'dn't see it an be sayin' how careless she is an how ha-ard a time her poor husband has. An if he was in love," JCorah went on. gratified by the look of admiration Flynn gave her, "he w'u'd have th buttons sewed on himself, an' he w'u'd have his clo'es brushed an' no dust on his hat. Ye can see that, can't ye?" "I can." admitted Flynn. "An If he lived with his folks." con tinued Norah. "do you think his mother or his sister w'u'd l'ave hlm'go with th buttons off his coat, an' if they w'u'd, ha-ave vc th' Idea that they w'u'dn't be naggln him to death till they made him brush his own clo'es ivery day or so? An If he lived at a hotel or a club, w'u'd n't th bellboys or th porthers be whalln th dust out iv him in th' hope iv a tip? 'TIs not much I'm glvin ye, Barney, but ye know a little Iv th ma-an now. an ve knew nothin iv him before. I'm new at It. too. With a little practice I think T c'u'd tell ye what he had Cr dint er th day before ylstherday." "It's gr-reat." admitted policeman Flynn. "but w'u'd U wor-rk-whin yo wanted it to? Can yc be sure that th felly ye want to find out about is wan iv th' kind ye can read? Ye see. I can't ta-ake me pick iv funny-actin' min like they can In daytictive shtories." Didn't Know Husband's Xante. San Francisco Chronicle. She was from Seattle. After inscribing her name on the hotel register she asked the clerk if any mail had come addressed to her. The name she wrote on the register wa3 simply "Mrs. T. Brown, Se attle." . t. . "I don't suppose, by any chance, that this is intended for you. is It?" Inquired tho clerk: handing her a letter addressed Mrs. T. B. Browne." "Yes. that Is mine," said the demurs guest. "I recognize the handwriting." "But the name Is spelled differently." pointed out the cautious clerk. "You spell your name 'B-r-o-w-n. and the name on the letter has a Anal 'e.' " She got all fussed up about it and blushed radiantly. "You see." she explained, "I am not quite sure how he spells it." "Who?" "My husband. We've only been married a month.' Rat Hunts In Favor In England. London Express. Rat catching as a pastime is fast bounding Into popularity. It Is claimed by the many fresh devotees of this pe culiar hobby that it provides excite ment and sport, while as its aim is the extinction of -vermin Us usefulness is beyond question. H. F. Willoughby Greenhill. a stock broker, and a party of friends, with the assistance of four dogs, bagged 92 rats the other Satur day, and nearly as many during' the preceding- week. The sport Is general all over the County of Surrey, and the services of those who follow the pastime- are in requisition in all rat-Infested quarters. A Warm Member. Harper's Weekly. Elderly Man Getting on well at school, my boy, got a good place In your class, eh? Jones, Minor Yes, sir; next the stove. When Speech Is Silver. Tales. Clerk Here, boy, that half-dollar Is no good. Boy It is. too. I guess I ought to know ray owir father made it