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About Morning Oregonian. (Portland, Or.) 1861-1937 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 12, 1906)
8 THE 2IORXIXG OREGOXIAX, .'FRIDAY. JANUARY 12, 1906. Entered at the PostoMce at Portland. Or., as Second-Class Matter. SUBSCRIPTION' BATES. CT INVARIABLY IN' ADVANCE. "C3 (By Mall or Express.) DAILT. SUNDAY INCLUDED. Twelve months ?.00 Six months Three months One month Li Delivered by carrier, per month -to Lcsk time, per week Sunday, one year.... --JO Weekly, one year (issued Thursday).-. 1-0 Sunday and Weekly, one year 3.j0 HOW TO REMIT Send postofnee money order, express order or personal check oa your local bank. Stamps, coin or currency are at the sender's risk. EASTERN BUSINESS OFFICE. The S. C. Beckwlth Special Agency New York, rooms 43-50, Tribune building. Chi cago, rooms 510-512 Tribune building. KEPT ON SAVE. Chicago Auditorium Annex. Postofnee News Co., 178 Dearborn street. Denver Hamilton & Kendrick, 300-512 Seventeenth street; Pratt Book Store, 1-H Fifteenth street. Goldfleld, Nev. Guy Marsh. Kansas City, Mo. Bicksecker Cigar Co.. Ninth and Walnut. Los Angeles B. E. Amos, manager seven ttreet wagons. Minneapolis M. J. Kavanaugh. 50 S. Third. Cleveland, O. James Pushaw, 307 Superior etreet. New York City Jj. Jones & Co., Astor House. Oakland, Cal. W. H. Johnston. Fourteenth end Franklin streets. Ogden Goddard & Harrop: D. I Boyle. Omaha Barkalow Bros.. 1012 Farnam; Magcath Stationery Co.. 130S Farnam; 240 South 14th. Sacramento, Cat. Sacramento News Co., 439 K street. Salt "Lake Salt Lake News Co., 77 West Second street South; Miss I. Levin, 24 Church street. San Francisco J. K. Cooper & Co., 740 Market street; Goldsmith Bros., 230 Sutter and Hotel St. Francis News Stand; L. E. Lee, Palace Hotel News Stand; F. W. Pitts. 1008' Market: Frank Scott, SO Ellis; N. Wheatley Movable News Stand, corner Mar ket and Kearney streets; Foster & Orear, Ferry News Stand. Washington, D. C Ebbltt House, Pennsyl vania avenue. PORTLAND, FRIDAY, JANUARY 12, 1900. POULTNEY BIGELOW AND THE DEVIL. Most people have forgotten enough geography to be thankful for a re sninder that the Isthmus of Panama runs -east and west not .north and south. The proposed canal route, there lore, 'inclines to follow the course of a meridian line. At its south, or Pacific, end lies the miasmatic swamp called the City of Panama; at the north end, about eighteen inches above the level of the aptly named Mosquito Gulf, lies Colon. Now in Colon there dwells an American merchant named Tracy Rob inson. He has lived there for almost fifty years, spending his days in the contemplation of pollywogs, green scum and alligators, and his nights In listen ing to the soft 3ullaby of the yellow-fever-breeding mosquitoes. Strange to relate, under these sweet Influences Mr. Robinson has grown sour and crabbed. As he advanced into the vale of years he has felt his youthful confidence in his fellow-man gradually slipping away. Mr. Robinson, it is iid, runs a de partment store in the salubrious mu nicipality of Colon. His customers, who 4ive on the adjacent hummocks in the verdant swamp, only need to roll up their trousers when they come to visit the 99-cent counter, for the ecum is nowhere more than ankle deep and they -all go barefoot. To the gentlemen ' Mr. Robinson sells vast quantities of splritus frumentl; to the ladles, toilet articles such as butter for the hair, looking-glasses to stick through the end of the nose, and cowbells to wear in the earo. The society dames of Colon, it need not be stated, reverse the habit of northern climes and leave their persons unclad from the middle downward in stead of upward, so that Mr. Robin son's -sales of dress goods are small. Still he make a comfortable profit, which, for half a century, he has stead ily sunk In Colon real estate going down from six Inches to ten feet to find solid bottom for It to anchor on. He has always predicted that land in Colon was bound to rise if a man only waited long enough. He is a temperance man as well as a real estate boomer, and invariably during his long career has worked for a dry town. "When Secretary Taft, with his corps of twelve consulting engineers, landed in Colon, they took off their shoes and stockings, rolled up their trousers and waded in a dignified and learned pro cession along the principal street to the hotel. Mr. Robinson met them on the edge or the pollyrwog pool in the front yard and greeted them with a few "brief remarks. "Welcome, gentlemen," he exclaimed, enthusiastically, "to our beautiful city. You are to be on the Isthmus only a few days. Spend them with me and watch Colon grow. In yon pellucid lake, where the sportive croco dile now baske, what a site for a Gov ernment boarding-house! Here, where you toehold the shark chasing that ad venturous Chinaman, is an Ideal spot to erect a bandstand where the canal diggers may recreate themselves with music after their dally toll, and, best of all, In my department store, at marked-down prices, you will find verythlng they need to eat, drink and wear. Here on my Tight hand stands my distinguished; friend, Engineer Lun dle, willing, nay eager, from motives as pure and patriotic as my own, to take any job going. He will drain these puddles and the Government Treasury with equal zeal and efficiency. Take u, gentlemen, for your guides, philoso phers and friends, and all will be well." Marvelous to relate, Secretary Taft declined this unselfish proposal. He did .not stop to iwatch Colon grow dry and Rohlnson and L.undie grow fat. With ihis twelve disciples he perambulated across the Isthmus to the rival town of Panama, peering into this, prying into that, learning things which no self-respecting Secretary of "War ought to know, prodding 6tubborn subordi nates, pushing on lazy ones, routing out thieves, fighting germs and dislodg ing grafters. Truly a sad business he made of It, diverting, the Government money into houses for workmen, ma chinery to dig with, and engineers to make them dig Instead of turning it all Into Kr. Robinson's pockets. Thte naturally gave another jolt to the worthy merchant's confidence in his fellow-man. In the watches of the night, as he pensively brooded over his wrongs, he grew morose. He pondered upon revenge. He finally offered to sell his soul to the devil to get even with Mr. Taft. The devil took him "at his word and sent Poultney Bigelow to ar range the details of the bargain. "We can't injure Taft "by telling the truth,'1 said Satan. "We've got to He to ac complish It, and no ordinary lying will do, either. It must fee -something tu Ten3oiis, monumental," coloeeal, arid for that sort of lying my colleague, Poult ney, is Just the man. Yes. I'll send Poultney to Robinson, and ten to one he'll get up a story that will make Ananias and Munchausen turn in their graves." Whether the devil chose his man wisely or not, those who have read BIgelow's attack on Taft in the Inde pendent must Judge for themselves. ACHIEVEMENTS OF A 'J EAR. Wednesday was the great day of the year for the Portland Chamber of Com merce. At the annual meeting the re tiring president, Mr. W. D. Wheel wright, summed up the achievements of 1905. At the evening banquet the in coming president, Mr. R. R- Hoge. gave his forecast and promise of what the Chamber would do for the coming year. In many directions the Chamber of Commerce has striven valiantly for the good of -city and state during the past year. For the wholextimc, and especially during the term of the Exposition, ex ploitation work on a great scale has been carried on. The distribution of nearly $5,000 pieces of literature and correspondence with Intending settlers, and with" those desirous of entering in dustrial pursuits here, is no mean feat. The permanent exhibit of Oregon land and orchard products in the rooms of the Chamber -has been both added to and utilized for the benefit of visitors. The Chamber has been the residuary legatee of the Exposition for much of this, and is accordingly grateful. But the main work has been devoted to furthering great undertakings. The retiring president speaks with justifi able pride of the influence brought lo bear by the open-river committee of the Chamber In utilizing the Portage Railroad as a step to the Celilo Canal, and in starting the stream of commerce from Lewlston, by way of the Portage Railroad, down the Columbia to Port land, and so to the world. For its work jthe Chamber received full recognition on the day, memorable in the annals of the Columbia River, when the Portage Road was opened. The traffic of the Columiba, as distinct from that of the railroads following its basin, is, of course. Infant yet. This coming year is to-see extension, when boats are placed permanently and fre quently on the, runs limited in either direction by the Celilo rapids. Its full development awaits completion of the canal. The Chamber takes . due credit for work In sustaining the pending effort to obtain such appropriations for work on the Columbia bar improvement as shall prevent the calamity of suspen sion of operations. The Chamber of Commerce has. says its ex-president, ranged Itself on the side of President Roosevelt, in so en larging the powers of the Interstate Commerce Commission, that It will be come just such a tribunal as that men tioned hy the President. These expres sions, a little ambiguous, are not clar ified by those a little farther on In the address, that "the railroads ought not to complain of an Impartial tribunal of a"judlcial character that shall hear complaints and take action upon those that are well founded, subject to re view by the courts." Probably the rail roads will not, and do not, object to such a tribunal. The indictment by Mr. Wheelwright of those property-owners in this city who, by refusing their co-operation, landed the civic Improvement effort of the Chamber in complete failure, will be read with interest. Doubtless It Is mortifying in the extreme to be beaten by Inert obstruction. Individuals cursed with character and temperament of this nature are ever with us and not with us only. There is but one ef fective remedy. That Is found in pub licity, such as obstructionists always fear and suffer under. Leaving, then, this record of recent history, turn for a moment to the en try on the scene of the new president. His address is Instinct with hope, en couragement and call to united effort. His references to his predecessor were felt to be no less complimentary than deserved. Between the lines of necessary generalities may be read purpose to aid, in not only improving the Columbia, In Its full course from the mountains to the ocean, but to assist all other parts of Oregon in their efforts for local im provement and development. United Oregon was the motive of the song, as it should be. All can join in wishing the Chamber and Its officers godspeed in their new year. WITH HEALING ON ITS WINGS. iAn institution In this community in the work and the success of which both science and humanity are Interested is the Open-Air Sanitarium for the treat ment of tuberculosis. Starting a year ago, at what was seemingly a most un propltlous season for takiffg patients who were under the menace of the "white plague" out of doors, the sani tarium has from the first proved the efficacy of living in the open air, prop erly supervised and nourished, in cur ing consumption when taken In Its first stage, and Jn arresting Its progress and promising a cure in its second stage. Patients in the third stage have been received from' time to time, not with hope of restoring them to health, but for humanity's sake, and in response to their pleadings and those of their friends. The condition of patients far advanced in consumption is so pitiful and at the same time so hopeless that it is hard to deny them the "last chance" for life, which they think they see in the open-air treatment: but it is not the purpose of the managers, nor was it the intent of the founders, of this institution, to attempt the treat men of persons whose tenure of life un der the most favorable conditions could not extend -beyond a few weeks. This suggests again a matter that has been frequently mentioned in The Ore gonlan, viz., the fact that there is no place In this city or its vicinity where consumptives can find rest, care and shelter during the last few weeks or months of their hopeless battle against the disease. No place where they can cease battling and merely wait in peace and quiet for the end. The discovery that consumption Is a communicable disease has shut the doors of general hospitals against Its victims; private families will not receive them, and ho tel and boarding-house keepers will not liaxibor them. If they are fortunate enough to be at home, love ministers to them at the risk (greater or less, ac cording to the enlightened conception of danger of those in charge) of infecting other members of the family. But If homeless, as are very many, especially young men, who are suffering from the disease, their condition is ttfat of per sons with nowhere to go and to whom even the grave seems reluctant to offer retreat. This fact Is a discredit to .any pro gressive community, and will, if al lowed to continue, soon become a dis-, grace to this one. The experience of the managers of the OperiAir Sani tarium has shown the need of a home for consumptives of the third and last tage. Cure in such cases is not to be thought of. but care Is essential. anda plea for it is voiced In most pathetic tones of charity and humanity. It Is not for this phase of the work, however- that the managers of the Open-Air Sanitarium speak. They tell rather" of the benefits Ahat are possible for those in the earlier stages of tuber culosis, from life In the open air, a gen erous - diet, systematic exercise and proper rest. They tell also of the ben efit to be 'derived from living in the open moisture-laden air of Oregon in the Winter time as well as In Us balmy but not more health-Inspiring- air at other seasons of the year. This Is a point that concerns every body, sick or well, who is so fortunate as to live in Oregon. "Our changes of temperature," assald by Dr. Pierce, resi dent physician at the Open-Air Sanl- tarium, "are not marked or violent; the altitude is not great enough to render tuberculosis patients liable to hemor rhages; the balmy, moisture-laden air is beneficial, and never more so than dur ing or immediately after a rain or snow storm." Here Is proof, based upon special ex perience and careful observation, that the climate of Oregon does not generate or favor consumption, but that to those who have contracted that malady the balmy, moisture-laden open air of Western Oregon bears healing upon Its wings. Simple as is this last fact, and long ago attested by the rugged health of the early settlers, who lived in un battened log houses. It may well be an nounced as an important discovery. As the old fear of "night air" as prejudi cial to health, has been dispelled, as far as intelligent people are concernedr by the simple reflection that night air is all there Is at night, and that air being necessary for the maintenance of life, the choice lies between close, stuffy night air In unvcntilated rooms and fresh night air entering freely through open windows, so the fact that Winter air is all the air there Is in Winter, and to breathe it fresh and pure is Infinitely better than to take It In close, super heated rooms, may -be considered well established. A PROPER VERDICT. John A. Anderson has recovered 5250 from the Oregon Water Power Com pany. Since he sued for $10,000, he gets just one-fortieth of what he thinks he ought to have. If every man were as well treated, the world would be a hap pier place than It is. for most people get not even the fortieth part of what they think they deserve. Probably Mr. An derson believes that If the Oregon Water Power Company had Its deserts The Oaks would be reduced from a par adise of virtuous enjoyment to a howl ing wilderness. While his resentment may seem excessive, it Is certain that there was a dearth of amenity In the way the philanthropic corporation treated him. He sailed in his own boat to the ri'er landing qf The Oaks and went in with out hindrance at a gate which was pub lic so far as entering was concerned. The rub came when he tried to get out. The Oaks is peculiar among innocent re sorts, inasmuch as a man must pay to get in and pay again to get out. Ander son objected to this latter requirement. He admitted the right of the corporation to take all his mbney inside the gates, but doubted Its right to hold him pris oner till Ije- paid a ransom to escape. Bandits enjoy this privilege In Turkey, but it Is not yet fully conceded to them In America, though some courts have held in their favor. Fighting for his liberty. Anderson got more or less battered up by the cor poration bullies, but the $250 will buy a large number of porous plasters. Probably It will do him some good even If It does not fully compensate for his wrongs. Certainly to pay It will do the Oregon Water Power Company good. Their spiritual state will be vastly Im proved by this verdlcL A few more of the same kind might bring them to treat with common decency even those members of the public who cannot fight . THE WIFE-DESERTER AGAIN. Some months ago a statistician of National repute challenged public cred ulity by declaring that bigamy was more common than divorce. But, based upon the frequency of the desertion of wives as disclosed by the records of every community, in and out of the courts, this assertion seems to be well p"roved. even were It not backed by carefully complied statistics. Proceedings for divorce for desertion are instituted with portentous fre quency in the State Circuit Court In this city. The plea Is usually entered by wives who ask legal separation from errant husbands, of whose whereabouts thej know nothing. Not always, per haps, but in very many cases, these husbands, having gone into other com munities, have married again without even the poor formality of a fraudulent divorce, leaving their wives and chil dren to their own devices or to the charity of the community for support, again to change location and family when they "get tired." Some states have sought to mitigate this evil by legislation requiring a stranger, or a man whose record in the community does not run back a num ber of years, to produce evidence from the place of his last residence showing that he left behind him there no un fulfilled matrimonial 'obligations. The old-fashioned custom requiring publica tion of banns for a certain length of time before marriage might be revived with good effect. Let the announce ment be made from the -pulpit of the most prominent church in the village where the man formerly resided; or. If in the city, in one of its most widely circulated newspapers, in a column set apart for that purpose and properly in dexed In the summary of the paper's contents. Wise women, it is said, should Insist upon some such means or some means for their own protection and the protection of their sex from this very frequent imposition. There is, of course, no complete remedy for a thing so widely prevalent and so disas trous to domestic and social happiness as wlfe-desertlon. The old warning against putting trust In strangers would. If heeded at the right time, greatly diminish the cases of divorce for desertion and make the road to big amy less easy to travel. It may be feared, however, that there is little nope of relief from that quarter.' In the meantime, decent public senti ment should be a unit In the reproba tion of a man who has deserted a wife in one community, gone to another place and married again without even the preliminary of a divorce. No "poor fellow," for example. Is this man R. T. LJ!ngbam, "who, after a life of decep tlon In this city covering a period of twenty-eight years, wenl back (his big amous wife having died a few years ago) to the deserted wife of his youth in Kansas City "to be taken care of while he lived." No "poor fellow," In deed, but a sneaking, selfish creature who might fitly have ended his career of faithlessness and duplicity by dying alone and uncared for on the public common. The only redeeming feature in this case is that the man did not not live long to bask "in the sunshine of the love that he had cast off, as a garment, in his early manhood, but died before its returning warmth made him satisfied with what he had done. The question of the reassessment of property for street Improvements for which owners of abutting property have refused to pay on grounds that have been sustained as legal and suffi cient by the courts. Is one that promises to make litigation lively and expen sive until It is finally decided which Is to say, until it Is decided Justly. It seems to be plain enough that, if a street was not Improved according to contract entered Into under certain specifications made out in the City En gineer's office, the property-owners are justified in refusing to pay for the work. If this contention of property owners is held, upon evidence adduced, to be valid, how can a reassessment be legally made for the same work? The endless-chain system that Is brought to bear to compel property-owners to join, against their will, the combine of fraud ulent contractors, should be broken, and the quicker the better for all con cerned except, perhaps, Ihe attorneys. Mr. James J. Hill has pronounced himself In favor of reciprocity with Canada as a means for stopping the steady stream of capital and immigra tion which is flowing from the United States over the border Into the country of our northern neighbor. Reciprocity would be an excellent policy for 'the United States to adopt regarding Can ada, for it would help both countries financially and promote a better feeling between them. It is doubtful, however, about its checking the immigration that Is now crossing the line. Canada has millions of acres of very fine farming land which she Is disposing of to set tlers on such liberal terms that great numbers of Americans who can no longer secure such valuable land for a small amount-of money In this country are going over to take advantage of it. Reciprocity, coupled with the steady Americanizing of Canada, may yet re sult In its annexation by the United States. Comparison of the conditions of our trade with Great Britain In 1905 with those of 1S95 shows a substantial gain both in exports and imports. In ex ports especially the gain has been enor mous, aggregating over 35 per cent In the' ten years covered. Foodstuffs, manufacturers' supplies, and manufac tures make up the greater part of this Increased volume. The detailed state ment of this trade furnished by the Department of 'Labor and Commerce deals with figures so stupendous as to be practically meaningless to the aver age mind, except as they convey a dis tinct Idea of very large transactions in the realm of trade between the two great English-speaking nations of the world. The American Nation has a taste for sweets that seems to be insatiable. Like other tastes to which prosperity caters, it grows by what It feeds upon. The average consumption of sugar per cap ita In the United States last year was seventy-five pounds. In two decades toe Importation of sugar has doubled, and its consumption has increased until now one-half of the cane product of the world finds its way Into American com merce. This means cake and candy for the million, and sugar In every body's coffee, not to mention syrup upon everybody's hot cakes for break fast. The domestic crop of 1901 repre sents 1,167.270,560 pounds, an amount that staggers conception either Of bulk or weight. There Is something pathetic yet In spiring in the long, brave and losing fight of Dr. Harper, of Chicago Univer sity, against the disease which at last came off conqueror. Cheerful, serene, uncomplaining to the last, he passed on and out. only regretting to leave his work, his home, his family and his friends. The loss to the scholarship of the world, to its educational interests and to its earnest, true manhood, in the death of Dr. Harper, is very great. "It must be curiosity that prompts a man past middle life to joust about the country, searching for a father who left him, a babe in his mother's arms, more than half a hundred years ago. Or perhaps It Is property Instinct- It certainly cannot be filial affection, or even decent respect for the cold-blooded derelict who forsook his obligations to his family in his youth. Probably the simplest way of putting an end to-tong wars would be to en franchise the Chinaman. Those carni vals of bloodshed and bad pistol prac tice In Chinatown seem to be the be nighted heathen's substitute for the white devil's exhilarating Spring elec tion. Mr. Poultney Bigelow, a tramp Jour nalist, spent twenty-eight hours at the Isthmus of Panama-and conies back telling the world all about it. But we should not be too critical. Most of the writers who know all about the mis takes of Roosevelt at Panama have got their information at very long range. The antl-Depew resolution is to be urged In the New York Legislature. Senator Brackctt is making a mistake. All this resignation agitation has been stirred up by tho newspapers. Nobody wants Depew to resign but the people. Poultney Bigelow ought to realize the danger of getting into a controversy wlth this Administration. He has been neatly roasted, toasted and laid away on a shelf with Whitney, Odell, Wallace and other indiscreet gentlemen. The public watches with interest the fight of science against pneumonia in the case of Marshall Field, the Chicago millionaire. Incidentally, interest is felt In the recovery of the patient. Sir Thomas LIpton Is going to try again to win the .America's cup. Ad vertising pays. But some day Sir Thomas will get the cup. and then no body over here will drink his tea. We have no desire to prejudge the case of. Mr. Richards, hotel-keeper; but it Is proper to remark that he is not the ftcs-L man Ira Portland to call his place & hotel when it wasn't. THE SILVER LINING Do you want to be successful? Speak of vital things In a vital way. .v The still piK that Is getting the milk seems to be Mr. Thomas F. Ryan, of j New York, and all over America. Ill's merger of four large life Insurance com panies, absolutely controlling a business of billions. Is now as complcto as his Transit Trust or as the Gas Trust, and as effective as his Political Trust. Further more, four monopolies are thus woven securely Into a single system with Inter twined Interests. Against any attack on one the ccallzed forces of all four trusts will be brought to bear. Commanding them all Is Mr. Ryan, the author of the titanic project whose dally progress to ward consummation Is by leaps and bounds. Tn these days of restlessness, novelty and transformation It Is encouraging to learn that the Gulf Stream has positively not changed its course and shows no in. tentlon of changing It- What Is platonlc love? It Is well. It creates an appetite, liko any other tonic "They've got a second tenor In the church. I see." "What do they want a second tenor for?" "They always have seconds In places where they have fights, you fool." James Hunekor wails th'at Shaw loaves us without morals. . Those who never had any need n't worry. "Senator." she asked, "do you believe in the survival of the fittest?" "Well. I Is Roosevcfc for It or against it?" Tanque Guzzler hasn't been around lately. I wonder if anything Is wrong with him? Soaque I'm afraid so. I heard he was going to be married. . Not a railroad would ever have been built If the essential condition had been to make every shoveler pleased with his job. That, apparently Is the thought of Roose-elt regarding the present status of the Panama Canal work and the cen sorious multitude. When the newspaper correspondents saw the discouraged strag glers at Shlloh and asked Grant what preparations he had made for defeat. "I haven't despaired of whipping them yet." replied the man with the cigar. It would take the Canal several years longer to whip Roosevelt. With gas at SO cents and Ineffable qual ity In New York, natural gas at Fort Wayne shut off by bankrupt companies, gas at 51.23 charged ($2 collected) in Port land, unlimited flowing wells of human gas at Seattle, and hot air for mixing purposes free everywhere, no wonder my slumbers are perturbed and I dream dreams. 9 Miss Isadora Duncan, an American dancer, whose dance has been prohibited by the Berlin police because she appeared In her bare feet. Is a lovely and gracious personality in aiuandary. She made a hit in Eastern cities of the United States, and. although she eschewed stockings and tights in her gyrations and impersona tions, it is not recorded that metropolitan Easterners expressed a preference cither for the clad or unclad sacred female foot and leg. Why a bare foot Is considered less sate and less calculated to instigate a riot in Germany than a silk-stockinged ankle is not yet explained. Perhaps the mercantile conservators of morality and exponents of provincial holiness In Port land may offor some adequate explan ation. O, Conic and Be a Pesky Eskymo. (Tune of -I'd Like to Take Teu Home With Me.") When I was eat exploring In the Northern Polar Sea A tevebx Arette maiden I (lkcoverttl : She was a- little Eskimo, as sweet as sweet could be. And with a sealskin Jacket she was cov ered Though my hands and feet wore freezing. Tet she seemed so very pleasing That I stood there unaware of my con dition. For I ceuWn't quite resist her. So I held her hand and kissed her As she made to me this Icy preposition: "O come and be an Esky. Eskymo. mo mo. A-dwlHng where the Arctic breezes blow, blow, blow We can lire on fish and blubber. With no one around to rubber Won't you come and be a pesky little Esky. Esky-mo?' I wooed that Arotlc maiden for a Wintry month or two. But I found, alas! thatshc was frozen hearted. She met me with an Icy glare whene'er 1 tried to woo. And so I hitched my reindeer and departed. For it's hard to be a hero With the mercury at zero. Yet I loved that Arctic maiden to distrac tion. And I think I hear her calling When the Wintry snows are falling. And the wind Is from a northerly direction: "O come and be an Esky. Eskymo. mo mo. A-dwelllng where the Arctic breezes blow, blow, blow We can live on fish and blubber. With no one around to rubber Won't you come and be a pesky little Esky. Esky-me?' t Funston's Feats Discredited. I Topcka Correspondence SU Louis Rc- punnc Tlje revised Kansas School History contains no reference to the daring swimming feats popularly attributed to General Frederick Funston while In the Philippines. The history, which was written by the tate Noble L. Prcntis, has been re vised quite recently by Mrs. Prcntis, and she has eliminated from the chap ter on- the Philippine War all reference to the statements widely printed in the newspapers that Funston was promoted for his bravery In swimming the Bag bag and the Rio Grande Rivers. This has been the subject of consid erable discussion and dissension ever since the war. Mrs. Prcntis accepted as final authority In tho matter the rec ords of the War Department, which show that Funston and his men were towed across the Rio Grande by two privates, who alone 3wnm the river. The records also show that the Fun ston detachment crossed the Bagbag on a bridge. A year ago, when D. O. McCray, a member of the State Textbook Com mission, declared that Funston's swim ming feats were the invention .of an enterprising press agent In the Phil ippines! McCray was bitterly denounced by thousands of Funston's admirers In Kansas. Lieutenant-Colonel Little, of the Twentieth .Kansas, also aroused a storm of indignation by declaring that Funston could not swim a stroke. Good Mental Gymnastics. Ottawa (Canada) Free Press. An English specialist In mental diseases advises "bridge" for women. It prevents Insanity. A pair of knitting needles and some yarn wouki be more effective; also a wash-tub. TOLSTOI'S LETTER TO THE CZAR Nicholas and His Advisers Warned That Their Time Is Short. From the Independent. Gentlemen, bethink yourselves!- Be think yourselves now, while you are yet appealed to In words! For the ques tion of life must, at last, arise even to you. For to this alone, to this ques tion of life, the voice of the people Is now turned. No one believes any longer In your sovereign wisdom and your love for the country. You are the first and only oncmy of Russia's salvation and the people's welfare! Remember! No matter what new at rocities, no matter what new horrors, your skill as hangmen may devise more blood will no longer frjghten any body. Having grown accustomed to look death straight in the eye, the-people have ceased to fear your bullets and bayonets. You have trained them to blood and death; and they fear no longer your threats. You have succeed ed In transforming a peaceful people into brave champions for freedom; you have Succeeded In kindling the Are of revolution In the working people. You have been striking Russia until It broke the disgraceful chain which you have forged. You have tortured the great silent sufferer until he has shown you his hungry teeth. You have done everything to start the revolutionary conflagration. You have gone from one end of Russia to the other with noose, bayonet and 'knout, and you yourselves have aroused It from its long sleep. From the humble huts to the mansions of the millionaires, from the dull vil lages to the great cities, you have everywhere awakened the vengeance of the people. And when the people, still unarmed, wanted to shake oft without bloodshed, your will, you have killed them with increased cruelty. You have driven away the people who turned to you with a petition. You haVe devastated villages that begged you for land and freedom for bread and rights. You have tired upon peaceful working peo ple who have come to you with a peti tion ir their hands. You have done ev erything to make cursing and ven geance the watchword of the entire land. You have been comforting your selves until all Russia wag set on tire by revolution. And you yourselves have taught the people what "lan guage" to use In "speaking" to you. Stationing yourselves openly on the ground of violence, you yourselves have confederated the way of violence. Send ing troops upon the people, you" have shown that you are the enemies of the people and of Russia! And when the people saw that It was necessary to take from you. not to ask. you. like a cornered antagonist, threw to the people "kind-'ueartedly" one piece after another. Ignoring your orders, the people held meetings of their own ac cord you have "permitted" them to discuss their most urgent needs. Ig noring your "laws." the working peo ple have stopped the life of the entire great land. You have signed a mani festo acknowledging that the people should have the rights of man. Wait ing in vain tor an answer to their de mands, the peasants started to- plun der Che villages. Then you issued an other ukase to relinquish redeemable taxes. The press seized the right ot freedom by force. Then you pretended that you yourselves had wished it long ago. You have given all these rights only when they were taken from you by a successful struggle! But here. too. you were a dishonest foe. Here. too. giving up your positions, one after another. In the course of the battle, you begin again your cnmpnign, trusting that Innocent people will be lieve your promise of peace! Now you gairv recovef courase. " you want war again. The highest cir cles again demand new blood, new vic tlnrs. The black clique, treacherously breaking the promise, again starts Its bloody campaign. Bethink yourselves! Bethink your selves! The power Is not in your hands now. Life has again gone ahead of you all. and the Russian people have really seized the power. Now that the union of all peasants throughout Rus sia has awakened to a conscious life, you must give up all thought of re gaining 'your former power. The last resort to re-establish tho dying or ganization with fire and sword has gone away from you. Remember, now the National Parlia ment can be called together without your aid and puper orders: anri the blood-stained land has been torn out from your hands. But the people want no war. The people do not want to shed even "black" blood. To you they send once more their messenger. Once more they demand a constituent assembly on the principle of the electoral rights proclaimed by the entire country. Gentlemen, bethink yourselves. Be think yourselves, and do not decline the last branch of peace, which the long-enduring Russiun people bring to you. JONATHAN MONROE'S DOCTRINE He Is H3, and He Has Twenty-Seven Children. Chicago Tribune. Race suicide? Ask Jonathan Allen Monroe. He became a father for the 27th time on Thursday. He Is -63 years old and the latest addition 'to his numer ous progeny is a boy baby, making the 15th living child to his credit. Mr. Monroe Is a cattlebuyer at the Union Stockyards. He has so many chil dren he has to keep books on them. A recapitulation follows: Sons living 7 Daughters Irving S Total number children living.... 15 Number children dead 12 Total number children ' Combined ages of children living USO Born In Chicago n Born in Albany. N. Y lit Children living at home 11 Married sons 'None Married daughters 3 Children in public schools...... ' 4 Birth date ot first born Oct. 17. 1S0 Birth date of last born Jan. 1.1900 "I'm just as fond of children now as I was when I was Ilrst married." said Mc Monroe last evening. "They're the only thing that makes life worth living. If people had more children we wouldn't hear so much about the Osier. theory." Mr. Monroe was born in Swansea, Mass. When he was IS years old he married Isa bolle Huntington in Albany, and went to that city to live. The first Mrs. Monroe died after having given birth to 12 chil dren. Six of them are living. Some years later Mr. Monroe married his present wife who Is now 39 years old. the same age as Jonathan Allen. Jr. The family came to Chicago in 1S91. His One Ear Enough. Boston Herald. Judge Wilbur, who retired from the Rhode Island bench last June, when the new court, and practice act went into ef fect, had for many years previous han dled the criminal business of the state. He was perfectly familiar with the wiles and excuses of men who sought to evade jury duty, and showed them little con sideration. A venireman gave as his reason for de siring to get out of grand jury service physical disability. " "What Is the nature of your Infirmity?" asked the Judge. "I am deaf In one ear, your honor,' re plied the man. "You'll do," .said the Judge;- "Don't you know you only have to hear one side of a case in the grand Jury room" HAPPY JACK THE GIANT-KILLER New York Sun. It was a day ot triumph In Philadelphia. The Hon. Jack O'Brien came homcLow lay the Cornish giant that was so mighty once; Robert the strong, now Robert the old. Robert's 42. years seem to 4e regard ed by the slaves of the prize ring as tak ing the "record" from MethuseJah. Young, gallant Jack came "like a conquering hero," the Philadelphia Record tells us. He brought with him from Air-ska and California a "big wad" and the title of champion of the world. A great crowd was waiting for him at the station. Spe cial officers used "football rush tactics and .finally made room for the new giant killer." Tableaux: As soon as O'Brien stepped from the train his little brother handed him a bouquet of flowers which was almost aajarge as tho little chap himself. It was tied with red plush streamers bearing the words "Welcome Home." The bouquet was a greeting from g O'Brien's mother. The brawny pugilist, who Is very fond of his little relative, picked the youngster up and pressed him to his bosom, kissing him repeatedly. When Jack put his brother down four of his enthusiastic ad mirers Lew Bailey. Jack Egan. Jack Clancy and Joe Hagan picked lilm up bodily and carried him out of, the train shed. The crowd cheered O Brlen. who was carried down the stairs and out into Broad street, where several open barouches were lined up In front of the station. Traffic came to a halt. Photographers "mugged" Jack's Roman lineaments till the plates were gone. The multitude cried for a speech. The great man stood up in his chariot and made a speechlet. He thanked the people for "the most re markable demonstration of good will and appreciation." It had always been his fondest desire to win the belt. He wished them all a very happy New Year and assured them that he would always show his appreciation of "Ihe dear old Quaker City and Its support to a fellow citizen." A plausive speaker. How feeble In com parison with those winged words Is that invariable formula of an elder orator. "Yours truly. John L. Sullivan." Jack Is a good deal of a young man. If we may believe his panegyrists. He 13 "not a bad-looking fellow." Wears good clothes well. His travels have made him an Interesting conversationalist. Is sober and Industrious. Has resisted tempta tions and saved money to buy the old folks a home. The result of this prudent and unselfish conduct Is that he has bought and furnished a "home which any man of wealth might be proud of." It is most palatial In Its proportions and furnished with taste and good Judgment. One of its features Is a library, the shelves of which are filled with much that Is con sidered standard In the way of literature. "Standard" literature may be defined usually as the books which one doesn't read but thinks It respectable to have on his shelves. No .such thought, we may be sure, was in Jack O'Brien's mind. He will read steadily as he fights. He is far superior in many other respects to some other children of their own works. Men have succeeded In becoming famous mechanics, famous builders and gotten to the top In other walks of life, but they have not taken sufficient time to acquire the pol ish and the familiarity with the ways of the world which O'Brien has made himself mas ter of. O'Brien Is at home In the business office. He can grace a banquet table or a. drawing-room with the ease of a man born in higher walks of life, and when his origin and former station in life are considered O'Brien stands out as a remarkable type of the modern young American who has made all or nearly all out of the opportunities that have been afforded him since starting out to make his way in the world. A Crichtoh come to Philadelphia. Good for Jack; and may he live long and pros per, and never go on the stago. Uncle Sam's Best Customer. Baltimore Sun. John Bull Ig still the star customer for Uncle Sam's products. In the fiscal year 1905 Great Britain purchased from tho United States foodstuffs, manufactures and raw material for manufactures to tho extent of J523.0CO.00O. If the British mar kets were closed to our farmers and manufacturer?, the volume of our exports in the last 12 months would fall below Jl.OCd.OCO.OOO, Instead of aggregating . 51S.OCO.000. For every dollar that Ameri. cans spend on imports from Great Britain the British spend three on imports from the United States. The balance of trade, therefore. Is heavily in Uncle Sam's favor, and is likely to continue so, al though there will probably always be a demand In this country for certain British manufactures1. Not only does Uncle Sam find a profitable market in the United Kingdom for his various wares, but ht also does a fine business in the British colonies. These colonies last year con tributed about 3220.000,000 toward insuring the prosperity of the United States. To sum up. John Bull and his dependencies buy about one-half of the exports from this country- Let us hope that their pur chasing power will never diminish and that American products will be in as high favor in the future as they have been in the past. Done Again. New Orleans Times-Democrat, "When we reached Ceylon," said a man who had gone around the world on a tourist ticket, "I thought that we had struck at last a primitive and outlandish pluce. unsullied by civilization's hand. "Strange outrigger boats filled the blu water, and men dressed like women. In bright silks, with long plaited hair and soft voices, offered us strange fruits, flowers and carvings in ivory and dragon wood. "I bought for a rupee an uncut ruby that the vendor had first asked SO rupees for. Ceylon is the land of jewels- Tlu-y get there superb emeralds, rubies, ame thysts and pearls. It seemed to me that I had gotten a bargain. "But the American Consul said with a gruff, harsh laugh when I showed him my ruby: " A piece of colored glass. Germany ships here tons of this glass every Win ter, made up to resemble the precious stones that Ceylon yields. Those glass stones sell readily to tourists. The poor fools think they arc buying goms swiped by the native miners from the mines." Yes, Another Door Opens. . Atchison Globe. When a girl marries and moves to an other town her sisters find consolation for all their 10S3 In the thought that they n'ow have another place to visit. The Basket-Bnll Girl. There's a hush on down at our house, ami we all speak soft and low As my music teachcr'd put It, we are pianis simo; We have quit our daily scrappin and we don't yell thtnga at all. Now that Sister Marietta's took to playln basket-ball. . The baby's scared and quiet, and hla whoop; are few and alnt: Cousin Hannah's quit her jawin and 's be havln' like a saint; And even Pa and Mother ain't so harsh tiki with their call. Now that Sister Marietta's took to playln basket-ball. t Sister used to be a ninny, till she tackled that new game. But now she's got a muscle that d put man to shame; And we never Htop to argue with a girl who'r on the maul. Now that Sister Marietta's took to playtu basket-ball. She has "had her picture taken, with her team . of husky champs. And from the sportln' pages she don't ever take her lamps: And when she gets, to glarin', why, we hike for timber tall. Now that Sister Marietta's took to playin' basket-ball. N All the candy-slvin' fellers she has chased oft long ago, And. tmless he eats raw beefsteak, any- beau don't stand a show: If she walks up to the altar. Pa declares the man' II crawl. Now that Sister Marietta's took to playta baaket-balL Denver Republic.