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About Morning Oregonian. (Portland, Or.) 1861-1937 | View Entire Issue (March 4, 1905)
THE MORNING OEEGONTAN, SAIUKDAYr MAECH 4, 1905. Entered at the Potofflc at Portland, Or., as second-class matter. SUBSCRIPTION BATES. ZNVARIABLT Ef ADVJLKCE. (By Mali er Express.) Dtlly and Sunday, per year-..... . . .. -f 900 Dally and Sunday, six months 0.00 Dally and Sunday, three months....... 2-55 Dally and Sunday, per month.......... & Daily without Sunday, per year ........ 7.50 Daily -without Sunday, six months ...... S-W Dally without Sunday, three months .... LS5 Daily trlthout Stmday per month ....... -5 Sunday, per year ................... .fc. 2.00 Sunday, six months ................... 2-00 Sunday, three months ................. .60 BY CARRIER. Daily -without Sunday, per week....... -15 Dally per xrcek. Sunday Included -20 THE "VTEEKX.X OREGOXIAN. (Issued Every Thursday.) Weefcly, per year ...... 1-50 Weekly, six months - -? "Weekly, three months HOW XO REJECT Send postofflce money order, express order or personal check on your local hank. Stamps, coin or currency are at the sender's risk. EASTERN BUSINESS OFTICE. The S. C. Beclrvrith Special Arency New Tork: Rooms 43-50 Tribune hulldlnc- Chi cago: Rooms 510-512 Tribune hulldlns. The Oresoniaa does not buy poems or stories xrom IndlTlduals and cannot under take to return any manuscript sent to It without solicitation, No stamps should be Inclosed lor this purpose. KEPT ON SAKE. Chicago Auditorium Annex; Postofflce JTews Co., 178 Dearborn street. Dallas, Tes-Globe News Depot. 260 Main street. Denver Julius Black, Hamilton & Kend rlck, B06-012 Seventeenth street, and Frne auff Bros.. 605 Sixteenth street. Dm Hoises, la Moses Jacobs. 308 Fifth street. KaasM City. Miw Rlcksecker Cigar Co, Ninth and Walnut. Xos Axireles Harry Drapkln: B. E. Amos, Dli West Seventh street; Oliver & Haines. M)Mayiil.-M. J. Xavanaugh. 50 South Third; I Rcffelsburger, 217 First avenue South. New Xork City I. Jones & Co.. Actor House, Oaldcscd, CaL W. H. Johnston, Four-tee-nth and. Fmnkltn streets. Os&ea F. R. Godard and Meyers & Har rca; D I. Boyle. Omettm Barkalovr Sroa, 1612 Farnham; 7,tvgtY stationery Cow. 1808 Farnham. Phoenix, Ariz. The BerryhUI Neirs Co. Sacramento, CaL Sacramento Kern Co 429 X street. Salt Eake Salt Iiake Netrs Co, 77 West Second street South. Santa Barbara, CaL S. Smith. Baa Diftro, CaL J. Dlllard. 'Saa PraJBdoo J. X, Cooper Co., 74 C Market street; Foster Sc Crear, Ferry News Stand; Goldsmith Bros, 226 Sutter; I. K. Le. Falace Hotei Nevrs Stand; F. W. Fltts. 1(508 Market; Frank Scott. SO Ellis; N. Wh&tley, 83 Bterenaoa; Hotel St. Francis News Stand. St. Ixxuls Mo. K. T. Jett Book & Neirs Company, S09 Olive street. Washington, D. C Ebblt House News Stand. PORTLAND, SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 1805. SIMPLE WORK FOR RAILROAD COM MISSION. The fighting man was explaining- the "chain shot" to the civilian. "Plant one cannon off here to the right," said he. "and another away to the left. Then load them with balls chained together and when the cannon is fired they will mow down everything in their path. "But," answered the skeptical civil ian. "suDDOsin one cannon goes off ahead of the other?" "In 'that case, the blamed thing swings "round and plays hades with our own men," replied the fighting man. Spokane, the storm center of the Hallway Commission idea, has tried the chain-shot experiment, and one of the guns has missed fire. Senator Davis, of Pierce County, predicted that the Spo kane delegation would be at Olympia clamoring to abolish the Railroad Commission two Tears hence. But the member from Pierce may not be obliged to wait two years to hear Spokane "hol ler" when the free end of the chain shot gets in its work. Spokane is an inland city, and for that reason can never enjoy the advan lages. of ocean competition. This water competition is the basis from which all terminal rates are fixed, and the In terior point must pay the tidewater rate plus the fon rate from the terminal point to the interior point. Theoret ically this should permit the Coast Job ber to handle all of the Jobbing trade in tha Spokane territory. Unfortunately for the Jobbers of Port land-and Puget Sound, railroad compa nies have nullified to large extent the advantages which the Almighty gave the Coast ports. Ia an effort to build up a Jobbing trade in Spokane terri tory the roads have charged the Coast Jobbers such a high rate that it has been impossible for them to compete with Spokane Jobbers on anything less than carload lots. This has given Spo kane absolute control of the trade for a radius of 100 miles around that city. Now it happens that this less-than-car- 2o&d rate, demanded from the Coast Jobber, is out of all proportion with the through rate established by the water route and met and recognized by the rail lines. Here, then, is an inequality which must be promptly corrected by the commission. There must be an equal charge per ton per mile for both the Coast Jobbers and the interior Jobbers. Portland. Seattle and Tacoma have been bragging for years about the ad vantages of tidewater location, and yet railroads, by discriminating in favor of Spokane, which has no water competl tion, have enabled its Jobbers to sell goods at wholesale in territory right fully belonging to Coast ports that have superior competition of the ocean car rlers. Another rank discrimination in favor. of Spokane is a special privilege known as the Trauing-in-tranBit" rate on wheat. Even railroad men themselves are at a loss to discover any good rea son why this rate should be given Spo kaue. but it is a fact that Spokane mill ers can go down into the Palouse coun try and buy wheat in competition with Coast millers, ship it to Spokane, grind it and ship the product to the Coast for exactly the same rate as is demanded for hauling wheat direct to the Coast. In other words, the railroads have been hauling wheat a hundred miles up to Spokane for nothing, and then hauling the flour product back to the Coast at the same rate charged against the Coast miller for a haul 200 miles shorter. This is discrimination with a venge &nce, and if the Railroad Commission can correct inequalities In charges any where in the state, it will be in this un fair "milllng-in-tranalt" rate. The ad vantage of a tidewater port has always been conceded In the making of rates even by the Interstate Commerce Com mission, and now the Coast jobbers will insist that the Railroad Commission prevent any further discrimination against them. The Oregonian does not believe that $4000-per-year politicians can success- fully work out all of toe transportation problems that baffle the best efforts of $30,000rpcr-year traffic experts. It does believe, however, that the Commission will easily understand the glaring' in equality of the rates -which have en abled Spokane to build up a jobbing and milling trade at the expense of more favorably located ports. This be ing: the easiest of their tasks, it will probably "be taken Tip first. The can non Is loaded and Spokane would do well to begin "ducking" Its head before the chain shot swings 'round. REFERENDUM, NO; INITIATIVE, YES. Threat of referendum on the general appropriation bill of the Oregon Legis lature is prompted by desire to cut oft superfluous Normal Schools. But is there not a better means to that end7 Many people are dissatisfied with the log-rolling in the Legislature which re sulted in hitching Normal Schools to indispensable state institutions in order thus to boost the schools Into the public treasury. Two avenues are open to such persons; first, referendum veto on the bill; second, enactment of a correct ive law under the initiative. The second alternatjsre seems the more reasonaDie ana practical, xne first would deprive necessary institu tions, like the Insane asylum and the penitentiary of money required lor maintenance and Improvement at the same time that it would shut off the Normal Schools. And there is serious doubt whether Interest-bearing war rants could be issued for maintenance of necessary state Institutions. No doubt the institutions at the capital could be kept going on the credit of the state, but certificates based thereon would be discounted if no Interest were allowed by law. "No warrant shall be drawn by the Secretary of State," reads the law, "in payment of any claim against the state unless an appropriation has first been made for the payment thereof; but where such claim has been Incurred in pursuance of authority of law, but no appropriation has been made for its payment, or if made has been exhaust ed, the Secretary shall audit such claim, and, if allowed, shall issue to the claim ant a certificate as evidence of such allowance." This foregoing section of the code raises a two-fold doubt. First, would not the institutions at the capital have to subsist on certificates without Inter est, and, second, would not the Normal Schools be entitled to such certificates also? The sure way to end the Normal School abuse is by the initiative. It is the short way, too. For the initiative S per cent of the vote last cast for Su preme Judge would have to petition, in stead of 57200 electors Instead of 4500. The appropriation bill will cost the state $113,003 for Normal Schools during the ensuing two years. But a veto on the entire bill will coat the state much more. A TOTTERING MINISTRY. "When news dispatches record dimlnu tion of the majority supporting the present British Ministry from the orlg inal figure of about 140 in the House of Commons to 24, out of an attendance of 35S members, the beginning of the end appears. A similar process has been In operation in the past on many occa sions, and there is no instance of a Ministry's regaining the confidence of the House after such experiences. The present is the fifteenth Parliament elected during the long reign of Queen Victoria. It met in December, 1900, and Its longest term of life would be seven years, its dissolution win occur in one of two ways: By an adverse vote es tablishing a majority against the MIn Is try, even on the most insignificant item which could be construed as bear ing on policy, or on request of the pres ent Ministry to the King for dissolu don, to test the question whether the nation will return to the next Parlla ment a majority In their favor. The tottering Ministry Is a vastly dif ferent aggregation of political force from that which Mr. A. J. Balfour gath ered round him when he became Prime Minister on July 12. 1902. At that time the Cabinet, or governing committee. called the Ministry, contained, beside Mr. Balfour, all those Ministers who left him in September and October, 1903. After the end of the Boer "War Mr. Joseph Chamberlain made his famous visit to South Africa. On his return he raised in the Cabinet the question of preferential tariffs for the British colo nies, which to the rock on which the Cabinet ship Ib now being wrecked. This occurred in November, 1902. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr. Ritchie, at once openly opposed him. The issue was made plain even then that preferential tariffs to the colonies involved abandonment of free trade. under which policy Britain had pros pered for forty years and more. ' Fur ther, that since the imports from the colonies consisted mainly of raw ma terials for manufactures or of food products, preference to them made necessary a tax on imports of food from all other countries, and by consequence an enhanced price for the poor man's loaf. Sir. Chamberlain announced him 6 elf as opposed to any tax on lmporta tion of raw materials. He accepted as necessary the rise in price of bread, but undertook to convince the working classes that higher wages would follow larger production of manufactured goods, arising from the protective tariff against foreign-made articles, and thus that their condition on balance of prof its and losses would be bettered by fol lowing his lead. The first clash In the Cabinet led to no immediate result, as Mr. Chamber lain was not then ready to throw down the gage of battle. Mr. Ritchie pre pared a free-trade budget, adopted in March, 1903. It was only the lull before the storm, for on May 15, 1903, Mr. Chamberlain delivered at Birmingham the first of his celebrated speeches. His watchword was "preferential, tariffs for promoting the union of the British Em plre." He reported that the colonies had already adopted tariffs allowing the mother country preference on im ports ranging from 25 to S3 1-3 per cent. and now expected a return. This re turn he proposed by establishing tariff against foreign imports and a! lowing the colonies preferences, propor tioned, it was suggested, by their sacri fices on their own tariffs. Then the war was on, the end of which Is not yet seen. It was charged to Mr. Chamberlain that the working classes would pay three-fourths of the enhanced food cost. He replied by pro posing to allow them old-age pensions and various benefits absorbing all the excess they had paid. Germany, France and other European countries viewed with alarm the prospect of their goods being handicapped In the British mar kets by what was In effect a protectiv tariff. The United States was hardly moved, waiting calmly to see the up shot of this agitation. The Cabinet met on September 14 1S03, to- consider Its course. The dif ferences were so "vital that Mr. Joseph hamberlain. Mr. Ritchie, Lord George Hamilton and lord Balfour of Burleigh resigned on September 18, Mr. Arthur Elliott on September 21, and the Duke of Devonshire on October 6, 1903. Mr. Balfour, as Prime Minister, had great difficulty In filling the vacancies, and a patched Cabinet was the result. People said that the brains had gone, possibly libel on some that stayed or came in. But the leader must cry often to his former colleague, "Where are my le gions? The importance of the pending issue. not only to Great Britain, but to the financial, commercial and. manufactur ing interests of the world. It is hard to overestimate. Great unpopularity to the existing government has also re sulted from the detestation shown by all religious bodies outside the Church of England to the education act of 1502. Under this system there were in Eng land and Wales In ISM 5343 board schools, -absolutely unsectarlan and wholly state supported, and 14,200 either wnouy or partly controlled by religious bodies.-chiefly of the Episcopal Church. In the present turmoil the Irish in Parliament also see their great chance to pull home rule out of the fight. Their 103 Irish members win weigh heavily in the. final scrimmages before the goal line Is crossed. If the recent bye-elec-tkns are a true guide, overwhelming defeat awaits Mr. Balfour. His effort to shelve this fiscal question until some distant day is openly scoffed at. He will either have to Indorse or to oppose his quondam colleague. If he indorses him, free trade will in all probability sweep the country, if he opposes him. Mr. Chamberlain has already enough followers to put a Balfour free-trade Ministry In a hopeless minority, by drawing from him a great proportion' of his conservative and protection-losing followers. In that case the Liberals come at once into power. TNATTGURATTOX'S PROUD PAGEANT. Inauguration of Theodore Roosevelt as President of the United States will take place at Washington today with pomp ana circumstance that beflt a great occasion. Mr. Roosevelt carries to the office the record of having been elected by an unprecedented majority popular and electoral and of having served the Nation already three and a half years as Chief Magistrate of the Nation. He 6tands before the people today as a distinguished product of re publican institutions. As he appears on the platform to make his Inaugural address he will be greeted by a chorus of welcome from thousands of throats. Behind and apart from this enthusiasm Is the per sonal regard in which the President Is Justly held; prosperity that has been fostered by years of peace and wise governmental measures, and pride that finds lusty voice in National growth and greatness. w newer seen from a spectacular, a material or a patriotic point of view. the pageant will be one to inspire rev erence for the Nation's past, pride in its present and hope in its future, Strength begotten of liberty; prosperity born of enterprise inaugural day, 1905, may well be hailed as one of the proud est days In American history. PILLS ANT PTjBLICrrY. Since Jurists of renown, despite written constitution, are frequently di vided upon the question of whether this or that Is constitutional or not, and Legislatures enact laws which courts flatly declare to be unconstitutional, it is no wonder that a body of men bound by no more definite code than one of ethics should be torn by dissensions. Different men, different views of what is in accordance with the nebulous eth ics of a profession. Therefore the tea pot tempest raging In the Portland Medical Society is not a cause for sur prise, it is generally agreed among physicians that advertising is not eth leal, but there appears to be a lack of agreement as to what constitutes ad vertising. The amiable young saw bones who entertained Mr. Pickwick at a memorable party had views of his own on this subject. "While lamenting his small practice to Mr. Winkle, Bob Sawyer explains the seeming business done by his boy, who was accustomed do rush up to a house, deliver a bottle bearing on the label the legend "Saw yer, late Nockemorf," and to call for it next day, explaining that rush of work caused him to leave the prescription at the wrong house. "We have got one four-ounce bottle that's been to half the houses in Bristol," said Sawyer, "and it hasn't done yet," Further, In the words of the same young man The lamplighter has IS pence a week to pell the night bell for 10 minutes erery time be comes round; and my boy always rushes into church Just before the Psalms, when the peo ple have nothing to do but look all about 'em, and calls me out. with horror and dismay depicted on his countenance. "Bless my soul,' everybody eayc "somebody taken suddenly 1111 Sawyer, late Nockemorf. sent for. What business that young- man hast" There axe not many young medicos so irresponsible as Sawyer nowadays, for which the public has great cause to re joice, yet there are to be found pays! clans with similar ideas of advertising, as a newspaper man soon learns. The trouble is that the principal sticklers for ethics frequently confound the pub licity brought by fame with the pub licity gained by devious but skillfu advertising. If a man has done or is doing something that Is worthy of at' tention or description. Is he to shame faccdly hide his head in the sand, lest he should be accused of advertising? Of course not, but there is none to say. "Here Ues the line between the ethical and the non-ethical. It may be that Osier, of Johns Hopkins, was doing a little advertising when he made hfs "all over at 40" statement. This by the way, however. The ladylike squab b lings of the doctors are always watched by laymen, who cannot help displaying some interest in the amuse ments of the men who look at their tongues and cut out their appedixes, If the word may be so Englished. Conse quently Portland will be curious to learn how her Medical Society will set tle the question of advertising, and will hope that so momentous a matter may be disposed of without bloodletting. An old English pastoral ditty says of this season: Now butter and a leaf of sage are good to cool the blood. The prescription is perhaps unscien tific, but the members of the Medical Society might nevertheless give it a trial. The retirement of the Empress 61 Russia, with her children, to the seclu sion of Darmstadt her childhood's home is announced as a measure necessary to restoration of her shat tered health. It will be remembered that as Princess Alex she left her hbiae a, few years ago with great reluctance. though the prize held out for her ac ceptance was the crown of Holy Rus sia. The youngest child of the Princess Alice of England, who died, while she .was an. infant, she was reared tenderly. largely at the KngHsh court, by her grandmother. Queen Victoria. She was scarcely 23 when she went to Russia to become the imperial bride of Nicho las n. She will return broken In health, wounded in every sensibility, an unwill ing apostate to her church and religion, the mother of five children, seeking ref uge from her own. her family's and the Nation's woes In the seclusion of the little- palace in which she was born. The pity of the gentle mothers and hon ored wives of all Christendom will go' with her. Great Britain has cut down her esti mate of the amount required to keep her navy In presentable shape for the coming year. The cost Is expected to be $18,000,000 less than last year. At first glance this seems to be a pretty large sum. but it diminishes when we are told that there will still be required a matter of .65,945.000 to maintain Brit ish prestige on the high seas, and that the force on her floating fighting 'ma chines numbers 129,000 men. She also has under construction at the present time eight battleships, fifteen armored cruisers and thirty-nine torpedo-boats, submarines and other smaller craft- German prestige on the high seas has been booming along at a very rapid rate recently, but so long as the British budget contains $166,000,000 for n,aval expenses. Great Britain will still bear the title "Mistress of the Seas." The National Government Is willing to pay the Klamath Canal Company reasonable compensation, but will not be held up for a graft- And the engi neers of the Reclamation Service are able to determine what constitutes a graft price. The Klamath Canal Com pany Is holding out for future profits on its project. It should be wise and not demand too much. The company would like to drive the Reclamation Service out of the Klamath country. The Interior Department very properly refuses to be budged. The Government holds the long end of the lever and should use It according to the wish of the people of Klamath County. The people there wish the canal company to make way and give the Government a free field. So do the people of the en tire state. Gentlemen so used to boarding at Waldorf-Astorlas as those in the city Jail may be pardoned for rebelling at 'mulligan" stew at 9 cents a meaL The worthy citizen Incarcerated for stealing a fire extinguisher is entitled to condo lence. The brace of colored gentlemen arrested for running a "club" which dispensed liquors are to be congratu lated on their escape from the stew, Judge Hogue took a broad view of their case, Inasmuch as the Commercial and the Arlington Clubs are In the same business. The time is auspicious for the proprietors of the Portland Club to have themselves arrested. Unusually favorable weather for Spring work la giving farmers an op portunity to get busy much earlier than usual. The abnormally high prices now being paid for wheat will result in a much larger acreage of Spring grain than ever before. With favorable con ditions later on, the Pacific Northwest is this year in a good position to break all previous records for a big wheat crop. There has been some complaint of freezing in exposed localities east of the mountains, but this damage In the aggregate will not be great, and can now be remedied by putting the land In Spring grain. The fastidious prisoners at the City Jail have decided to eat the food which has been provided for them. To a de gree this decision will be satisfactory. for if these individuals had starved to death while waiting for something more dainty than the stew with which they were provided, the expense of burial would have fallen on the meek and long-suffering taxpayers. As to the epicures themselves, there is a possibil ity that the stew was so unsatisfactory that they will ever after give the jail a wide berth. The projected railroad from Medford to Crater Lake would make easy of ac cess one of the greatest natural won ders of the West. Thousands have al ready been attracted to this remarkable piece of scenery, but the difficulty now encountered In. reaching It has pre vented the great mass of seekers for scenic beauties from reveling in its wonders. The proposed road would also be of value in developing a rich agri cultural and timber district leading Into the mountains. An honored and useful life went out in accordance with the summons of Nature, that all in time must hear, when Mrs. J. S. Giltner died at her home in this city. She left on a gener ation the stamp of a gentle, womanly life, and passed on and out, tenderly beloved and mourned. She was 78 years of age. Forty were passed in the home in which she died. Great Is the unrest of political patri ots in Multnomah County. Only one year ago an "organization" throve and waxed mighty which seemed destined to endure for years. And yet so soon thereafter the captains of last year's victorious host are anxious. -Truly man proposes and God disposes. Gambling bills were slaughtered right and left on that last night of the Ore gon Legislative session. And all the while reformers were making so merry over defeat of the liquor people that they forgot the gamblers. It's an 111 wind that blows nobody good. If the civic Improvement agitatio now in progress accomplishes nothing beyond securing removal of billboards, with their garish coloring And some times indecent pictures, from the city. it will have justified its clamor. . Springtime is swelling the buds to make Portland a rose city for the Ex position Summer. And roses will make amenos ior numy ui musiguuy oiu board. Now we shall see whether scarce sal mon In the Columbia River can be made more plentiful by lengthening the fishing season. The Rueslan army in Manchuria Is again in the position where another Te treat will be a glorious victory. Washington now has a. Railroad Com mission; but how long will it have rail roads? , i NOTE AND. COMMENT. Now that the Portland Medical So ciety Is- after raising a ruction over advertising by members, newspaper re ports -In future will read after this fashion: - Burglars broke into the house of Dr. . of Tenth street last night. The police are confident of allowing the criminals to escape. Dr. , the well-known physician. had his skull fractured in an automo bile accident yesterday. He was attends ed by Drl , who remarked that most of the members of his profession were cracked anyway. Miss Bromo Seltzer and Dr. were married yesterday at the Pink Temple. Dr. an J Mrs. .'will make their home in Zululand. Dr. died suddenly this morning. His death Is attributed to the shock of seeing his namo in a hospital report. It rumored that his widow intends to defy precedent by having her husband's name engraved upon his tombstone. Rockpile prisoners have declared a lock out against the city's mulligan stew. Kuropatktn again withdraws his "south front." "Greatest show on earth" in Washing ton today. . According to the New York World, Dr. Osier hasn't a friend left among the chorus girls. They all object to being chloroformed. Stoesscl Is receiving a warm welcome from tha Czar and from Society. This may thaw out the frost brought on by the common people's reception. During a dinner in New York attended by several police captains, these authori ties on money and its slang names used in casual conversation the terms: Tin, cush, gelt, rocks, candy, dough, sugar, raazuma, glad wealth and the- welcome green. Money, seems o provoke more slang than anything else In the world. and every decade, almost, has its own pet names for the chink. To satisfy the Christian Church of Peoria-would not be a difficult task for a minister. All the brethren in Peoria re quire of a pastor is that he shall be an evangelist, a large man, a miser, a crank and be ready and able to bear the burdens of the flock. Maybe the flock in recipro cal mood will bear the pastor's burdens. Joe Chamberlain Is doing his best to shake Premier Balfour out of his state of "philosophic doubt." The editor of. the weekly book review published by the New York Tunes has em. barked upon the colossal task of making a list of all the literary societies, associa tions and clubs in the United States, and. with this object in view requests the sec retary of each organization of this kind to send a postal card with the name of the society and the address of the secre tary. The secretary of the Garfield Lite rary and Debating Society please take notice. To be "hospitable" costs a great deal of money in these days. James Henry CSUenf) Smith, who is succinctly de scribed by a New Tork paper as "the 350,000,000 bachelor," Is about to give a little entertainment -for. 30 guests or so. He will have a special train and take the party for a six weeks Journey through the United States and Mexico. This will knock out all previous rec ords for "hospitality." Soon it will be necessary for a host wso wishes to please his friends to build houses and give each guest a 99-year lease on one of them. Of course, the host will also provide the furniture, food and serv ants. As some people prefer hotel life, the host might offer his friends the choice of such a house or of free quar tcrs In one of the fashionable hotels. This would be real hospitality, as it Is beginning to be understood. Sir Francis Jeune, who has long been Chief Judge In the English divorce court, Is about to retire on account of Ill-health, rwhjch he attributes to the quantity of perfumes he has 'been compelled to breathe in the course of his duties. No wonder men wanted divorces from such scented kdarlings as those coming before the Judge must have been. A Seattle boy of 17 has just been married. It will be horribly humill aung ior tne nusoand it he is ever spanked by his mother-in-law. "A. heated discussion is raging in the New Tork Times on the question of whether "Alice in Wonderland" is funny or merely dull. It is a cinch that Alice Is dull as ditchwater to those to whom she's not amusing, and that she's never dull to those who find her funny. Ono correspondent assures himself that he has a sense of humor because ho laughs at ths nonsense verses of Carolyn Wells, yet he cannot find anything to laugh at in Wonder land. He probably knows Carolyn Wells is funny becauso he sees her verses In the magazines, where even the serious poetry --is not without laugh-provoking properties. Russia is not seething so much as teething. ' The Civic Improvement Association will have to hire General Nogi before some of the Glbraltars of -shackdom are reduced. Baxnum's "Fat Lady" has bobbed up In New Tork. Having dwindled away to 00 pounds she was forced to go to work. and appeared In a police court the mere shade of her former self. About as good a way as any to brighten up the city is tohave your office window washed. However; this only affects the view of a few people, so It well not to stop at It. WEX. J. Where Had He Been? Llpplncott's. A "breed" and a white man were en gaged in what Old Man Donnelly called a '"ranlcaboo" wnen fc tag-Hound Bin stepped into Sam Jeffreys saloon one night. Sam Jeffrey's saloon enjoyed monopoly near an Indian reservation There was a faro game in full blast and a spirited poker game. Bacon-Rind Dick was drunk again and squeaking like mouse in the wall. The air was thick with smoke, and a man had to order his drinks at the top of his voice in order to be heard above the uproar of tha tu multuou3 cowboys and stockmen. Stag Hound threw his pack-caddlo In the cor ner and sat down. "My gosh!" he said to his neighbor. smile' of contentment playing about the corners of his mouth, "but it seems good to be back in civilization again." Unfortunately True. Atchison Globe. , Sweet words .don't pay debts. NEW' DODGES IN SIEGE WARFARE Device Employe Before Port Arthur fcy Japanese te Coacel MoTe mea ts asd Harass Enemy. Richard Barry, In Tha Century. The Japanese had to cross a valley a mile wido and six miles long, dominated at all points by every degree of hostile lire." This did not appal them. They ac cepted the problem, grappled with it and mastered It. They honeycombed the val ley. In the classic manner, with IS miles of trenches and tunnels. The chief ele ment in the problem was to hide these from an enemy with lockouts above the plain. The Japanese attache in South Africa had seen the Boer commandos, un der fire, suddenly vanish In waving stalks of corn, projected, screen-like across a telltale front. It was a savage trick. learned by the Boers from the Kafirs; and though school-bred British minds sneered at a ruse apparently so childish, yet many times their game was lost through such maneuvers. The Beers used their maize In wholesale fashion, covering their front with deep layers of whole sheaves. The Japanese improved on this. Students of Nature, disciples of Nature, they gave no gross imitations. In late Autumn. over a field battle-tossed for three months, trampled by two armies, and slckled by the husbandryrnan. Death, they advanced, resurrecting the cornfields as they went. till the Russian eye beyond could not guess the point where maize standing by chance left off and maize erected by be siegers began. Each angle of advance was concealed by these brown, withered sheaves. Both sides had sailors on land. The Japanese emplaced the navy six-inch guns In the bottom of a valley. The army field guns were perched along the peaks in front, from which they could bark down like noisy house dogs. But the savage bite came from the big guns, a quarter of a mile behind, the location of which was mistaken by the Russians as identical with that of the blustering fleldpieces on the ridge. The sailors did not trust alone to the improbability of their hiding-place. They cut out earth the size of a ship's hull, mended the broken crust with tlm- I ber balks, and thrust the noses or the I slx-lnchers out of two square openings that might have been turret-holes. Thus, entirely protected, though within easy range of the enemy, they escaped seri ous injury. This was the most effective Japanese battery; it has--become famous for tenacity. For the first time coast-defense guns battled with each other. The Russians turned most of theirs landward. The Jap anese learned that field artillery was use less against either the fleet or the per manent fort3. Such knowledge prompted the assignment of a naval brigade to the Initial bombardment, which, with the first grand assault, failed. Then they immedi ately turned to homo for heavier ord nance. Mortars for coast-defense along the Straits of Shimonoseki and on the Bay of Tezo were all but completed In the military shops at Ozaka. Twenty-six of them were immediately sent by trans port to Dalny, and thence by rail over the tip of the mended Trans-Siberian to the last station outside the zone of the Russian fire. The shipment of these great guns, the mortar-barrel of one weighing eight tons, up to that point, where cranes, steamships and locomotives of the finest type were available, was gigantic undertaking. Arrived at the shattered station In tha night for day work was impossible the task was only begun. From there the guns were hauled by hand, for horses or Jianchu ox en could not be used where silence and concerted Intelligence were essential. Eight hundred men were detailed to each gun. which was mounted on skids such as lumbermen use in the north woods. Four abreast, with hemp thongs across their shoulders, ana all attached to a long cable as thick, as a man's leg, the men labored on through the mud. after dark, with the Russian shells nnglng out searching challenge over their heads, oc casionally a quart of shrapnel bullets spurting promiscuously Into their ranks. Of the positions to which the guns were thus taken the nearest were 1000 yards and the farthest miles away. Once they were there, no emplacement of shale or earth, such as sufficed for field artil lery and for naval guns, would do. So under each gun was laid eight feet of concrete, firm and deep; and when It had hardened the gun was emplaced. All this was done under fire, in the night, the men being spat upon frequently by the glare of the searchlight, pelted some times by wind and rain, and, toward the end of Autumn, seared by the winds howl ing in from two seas. It was prodigious toil, obscure heroism unbelievable. But it was successful, for it was this coast-de fense artillery that sank the Russian fleet. None other could have done it. The monster labor of placing these guns on the bleak Manchurian hills, from which they have contested with the finest de fenses in the world, is one of the thrilling engineering feats of modem times. For the first time in lustory armies bat tled under searchlights. There had be fore been fights at sea, and at KImberley a few skirmishes under searchlights; but In front of Port Arthur they have lighted up decisive engagements, extensive ma neuvers and vast losses. Science has in tensified war. It has limited numerical loss, but it has Increased individual suf fering: and, as in modern city lfe, it strains brain and nerves to the breaking point. KImberley saw the dawn of the fire works branch of warfare. It was left for Port Arthur to bring into permanent use this feu de Jole of holiday nights, a de light in peace. In war a spy. Rocket3, such as we use on the Fourth of July, bursting above the plain, threw phos phorus over the advancing sappers aad lighted up acres as though by candelabra of stars. The Russians used three batter ies of such star bombs, and their dazzle added spectacle to horror. Some Japan ese otneers contended that they, caused no annoyance, but my observation of the results was that they gave annoyance. "THE DOG' AS A PHILOSOPHER. New Tork World. "KM" Tanger, whoso lack of beauty wins him in pugilistic circles the title of "Tho Dog," thus explains why pretty Lizzie Winters consented to become his bride: Tt ain't looks that win a girl. It's what a guy can do, what he can make good at, that gets 'em." This is true Darwinian philosophy. Fittest to survive Is fittest to wive. The most wicked or most cunning fighter among cave men got the pick of tha cave girls. The young Indian won In war or In chase the right to matri mony. Strength, courage, skill, not beauty, make In all ages an "eligible partL" So today the novel hero who is "hand some as a Greek god" Is out of it. Picturesque ugliness Is considered piquant, but there must be courage or strength or inner worth fit for a world of struggle. Burly football player, keen lawyer, brilliant writer or what not let "Algy" or "Monty" be capable of bringing plenty of meat to his cave and he may bo as ugly as you please. And herein the novelist, like the phil osopher of the Tanger school, mimics fact. "It's what a guy can make good at that gets 'em." The Eternal Squabble. Atchison Globe. Joe Bowers and his wife are sick in the same bed. with grip, and their children Bay their "jawing' is vary amusing. Joe is-o much better that he wants to smoke, and his wifo objects. Both are crogs,. and the Bowers children are telling very amusing stories "on" their parents.. but were not a decisive factor. By5 lying low. advancing troops could always es cape being seen when the light came their way. It was to be expected that a people llks the Japanese, inventive, versatile, and industrious, would develop extraordinary resources when confronted with such a problem as Port Arthur, the reducing of which has caused them great agony and cost vast treasure- Archimedes would have rejoiced to know Colonel Imazawa. Imazawa's most .effective device was the wooden grenade gun, an invention to save assaulters from death by their own explosives. He found that a soldier car rying hand grenades of guncotton up a slope under fire, it properly hlt became a more frightful menace to his comrades than an opposing mine. So he made a wooden barrel three feet long, erected It at an angle of forty-five degrees cn a wooden, "upright, and by a catch-spring tossed the balls of guncotton from it sev eral hundred yards into the Russian para pet. After the taking of Hatchlmaki yama (the Turban Fort), Imazawa found his men for the first time on a height above the Russian trenches. Then he In vented the dynamite wheeL This is a steel cylinder containing five hundred weight of dynamite, with a projecting shield for soldiers who roll it forward under fire until it reaches the declivity down which it Is hurled. ThS opposing trench precipitates the explosion. Imazawa also Improved the saphead shield, used by besiegers since the Mid dle Ages. Formerly It was a heavy log of wood, protected by armor-plate, be hind which pioneer soldiers advanced their trenches when close to the enemy and under outpest fire- A solid log was too heavy for the Japanese purposes, so Imazawa contrived a framework of klrl wood, both light and tough, over which he built a steel shield such as Maxim put ; on his machine gun. The shield stuck out in advance of the framework liko a ! cowcatcher on a locomotive. It was rolled out of the saphead one or two feet to- ara me enemy, enma it two sappers, on their bellies, dug out from" under their legs the beginning of a wide, safe trench in which., two days later, a regiment could find shelter. Nervous work this, with bullets raining overhead like hail on a tin roof; but Imazawa made It prac ticable. Before he finally hit on his grenade gun, Imazawa, employed a bamboo grenada lift, his first device to let assaulters uurl their explosives Into redouts without dan ger to themselves. These were 20-foot lengths of heavy bamboo, to the ends of which balls of guncotton were tied. Two soldiers carried one of these lifts up a slope, projected the grenade over a trench or a parapet, and let the furious Rus sians smash It and themselves into de struction. The use of many successful invention showed the Japanese equal to all the progress of the age. The hyposcope en abled them to observe what went on in the town, and from 203-Meter Hill re vealed the fleet.. This is a telescope cut in half, the , front elevated two feet above the rear by a further length of scope, and the line of vision between made straight past the angles by two mirrors. It gives a lookout Within a few hundred yards of jthe enemy's line a chance to ex plore calmly at his leisure. Bomb-proofs for the Generals were cut in the solid rock 1000 yards In advance of the artillery and overtopping the firing-line. Thus commanding officers could get the tradi tional bird's-eye view of the battlefield. Instead of sitting at headquarters, miles in the rear, as the Generals In the north were compelled to do, and directing the action from an office desk, as a train dispatcher regulates his system, the di visional, brigade and regimental com manders with their own eyes could ob serve all that was goings on. The Commander-in-Chief had a fine lookout in the rear center of his army, two and a half miles from the town of Port Arthur. From there his eye glanced over as grand a battlefield as the world has yet pro duced, for within an area of ten square miles was brought every possibility of modern warfare. Even cavalry maneuv ered. While his optic vision was extraor dinary, bis mentaT-horizon was vast and comprehensive. Telephones centering to a switchboard In the next bomb-proof connected him with every battery and every regiment under his command. He was In Instant touch with the most out lying operations, and, almost with the ease and certainty of Napoleon at Auster litz, could march and countermarch, en filade and assault. Telephone and postofflce follow the flag. In the advance of the Japanese army down In the peninsula, telephone lines men bearing on their shoulders colls of thin copper wire, not much larger and of no more weight than a pack-thread, followed through the kaoliang-fields on each side of the commander. The mo ment he stopped a table was produced, a receiver was snapped on the wire, and a telegrapher stood ready. More remark able was the advance of the telephone into the contested redout of the Eternal Dragon, where a station was. placed and operated for four months, with the Rus sians holding trenches only 4Q meters dis tant and on three sides. At this station, along the front of which 20 men a day were slain by sharpshooters, mail was foellvered every time that a transport ar rived, which wag almost daily. Men on the firing-line received postal cards from their sweethearts and mothers an hour before death. Tetephone and postofflce followed the flag; the Red Cross preceded It. The medical corps came, not in the wake of the army, but close on the heels of the pioneers. Before even tha Infantrymen entered a Chinese village it was explored, the water of its wells analyzed, its houses tested for bacteria, and the lines of encampment laid down. This unusual sanitation is looked upon by surgical au thorities as perhaps the chief cause of. Japanese success. ROBBING THE BED. New Tork Press. At the dipner at Xs last Wednesday night, eight guests, seventeen courses, counting drinks, a little bit of Bohemia was allowed to creep In when Captain Q. asked if he dared- smoke a cigarette between the flsh and roast. In. the most reckless manner he let the lighted end rest upon the table cloth, and a hole was quickly burned there. The hostess did not murmur sweetly, "Oh, Captain, do not mind; it is nothing at all: we have so many others It will never be missed." She simply got up and yelled: "Oh! you careless man! Tou have ruined my bedspread!" In holy wrath she- left the room for a cryr and the dinner was thereafter somewhat slow and frosty. A linen man tells me that It is quite common nowadays to use those fine, hand embroidered bedspreads as table cloths. They are beautiful works of art. costing from 545 to 5200. The guests at X-'s were thunderstruck when the, host ess snouted "bedspread," and thought they had made a ghastly discovery. The fabrjc, .of course, had never been on a bed. but no woman can keep a se cret when in distress. Mrs. XL now places a card at each plate- when there are friends dining It is requested that smoking be deferred until the cloth fs removed." Captain Q. is to send a new "bedspreacLt Craftiness, Atchison Globe, . If you want to see a real crafty Ex pression, watch a farmer's- wife when she is lilng her butter to a. .xrocer. . ' - - - - .