THE NEW AGE, PORTLAND, OREGON. TOPICS OF THE TIMES. As n mnn's Itlon Hint lie was cut out for n grunt career decreases bis use tulncHM liicrenscs. The trouble with ino.st of the Invent ors of nlrshlpH Ih that they leave needy famlllea behind theui. In nddltlou to his other manly nc coinpllHhmeutH tlio King of Spain In now able to eat without a bib. Our humorists nre going too fast We can better spare some of our phil osophers they aro easier replaced. "Jefferson's Hlblo" may be nil right. Until It Is printed, however, tho King James version will be found very help ful. Hooks are desirable companions; when they bore you It Is an easy mat ter to shut them up without giving of fense. Home people live In the vicinity of slumbering volcanoes. Others thaw out frozen dynamite and get there Just tho same. Home of the people In those other southern republics are probably sur prised at the leiigtu of time Cuba has run along without a revolution. Many a man has made the discovery too late that he misjudged his enemy especially after attempting to lick lilin uml getting beautifully licked himself. If the recording angel takes note of tho doings of nations, the United Ktntes must have had a large sum put on the credit side of the ledger on May L'O. A man has been sentenced to six months In Jail for stealing a bicycle. A man who would sloop so low as to steal a bicycle ought to get at least six years. The Massachusetts Legislature hns voted a medal to every man who an nwcred Lincoln's first call In 1811. Most of those veterans have uuswered nu other call and have gone to Join that grand army In the great beyond, The Erie Itallroad Issued an order a few weeks ago that henceforth bridal parties must refrain from throwing rice. As a result the bridal parties have been throwing peeks Instead of quarts and the road Is sorry It spoke. Some things do not need to be said. A famous pianist who played In this country last winter and cleared a hun dred and twenty-live thousand dollars remarked as he sailed for home, "It Is with great sorrow that I leave this country, and I wish to come back as soon as possible." "Do you play football?" asked Tresl dent Kooseveit In a recent letter to a boy who had written to him for some advice. "If so, here Is a motto for you: 'Don't foul, don't Hindi. Hit the lluu hard."' There will be no suits for the establishment of proprietary rights If others besides football-players adopt the motto. The Prussians arc finding that the work of making good (Sermaus of the Poles Involves many dltllcultlri. A number of children golug homo from ehool were singing Polish songs. They wero arrested und tried In a police court. Tho prosecuting olficcr demand ed that the children be Imprisoned rather than lined. The Judge hud the good hciiho to discharge them. The ex tirpation of patriotism, especially as It expresses Itself In music, Is an un promising undcrtntllug. Churches are commonly regarded as tho mothers of Sunday schools, but the latest annual report of tho Congrega tional Sunday School and Publishing Society shows that the reverse Is often the case. During the last year there has been n greater movement of eml grants to the Northwest than at any time since INS.!. In the new settlements thus formed the first permanent relig ious Institution Is usually a Sunday iichool, which, being supplied with Dibit's, Itlble lessons and other reading nutter, grows In time Into a church. Of one hundred and fourteen new churches reported last year, forty-five originated In this way. Irrigation will seemlugly be a good thing for the rivers as wvll as for the arid country which Is primarily In view. Flood waters are always a werl oils menace to the lands along the lower Htretches of a great stream, and any di version of them into storage basins, no matter how slight, Is to bo welcomed. Tho levees now built for the protection of low country are not an unalloyed blessing. They tend, It I believed, to ralBe the level of tho river-bed, so Umt In course of tlmo both river and levee rise above tho surrounding country. The river of the future must be put un der a harness so that It may be held back at some seasons and hurried on at others. It I currently Btutot. that n commit too representing a church body Una ex jiorlenctM illtllculty In securing u place to hold tho hcbbIoiis of tho tiKsoclutlon under it pledge that tho delegutea will bo entertained by tho citizens. It eeeiUH tho average church member has u disinclination to net as hostess to the vUlttug ministry nnd delegate!. In theao dajH of better salaries for mluls tw tho church member who coutrlb- uteff bis share toward the expenses of the congregation Is Inclined to suggest that preachers and delegates should go to hotels or If entertained prlvntely pay for their board nnd lodging, lie notes that fraternal organizations pay their delegates per diem and mileage, thus providing for the expenses Incident to such representation. Why should the church ask Its delegntes to represent It for nothing nnd In nddltlou call upon other members of the church to entertain these delegates without pay? Home questions nnturnlly arise. Is the church getting upon n commercial ba sis In order to conform to a commer cial nge? Is the good old custom of hospitality declining? Hns the church meiuLcrshlp drawn the line at a money c(ulvnlcnt nnd dlscnrde . self sacrifice and the law of servhc? Is Christianity resolving Itself Into a matter of dollars and cents? In a recent nrtlcle Prof. John Trow bridge declared that forty years ago the physical scientists were trying to solve tho secrets of great things and were thinking of tho large relations In the universe, but now they nre general ly taking "the path of human Inquiry which leads Into the world of the In finitely small." Instead of weighing the earth and seeking to fix the limits of the universe they nre now conc?rn (Hi with utoms, electrons, cells nnd bnc llll. Whntevcr degree of success the scientists mny rench In their Investiga tions of the Infinitely small, the ocent convulsions In the Caribbean Sea havo demonstrated that they have made a sad mess of It with regard to the In finitely Inrge. When Mount Pelce tit tered Its first unmlstnkablc warnings of trouble of some kind, somo scient ists went through their calculations and hypotheses and demonstrated that there could be no trouble of nuy kind. Tho announcement wns hardly made before tho volcano was dealing out death nnd destruction on every hnud. Meanwhile none of these scientists hns taken the pains to explain why Mount Pelee noted In the way It did when they had given bonds for Its good be hnvlor. Some scientists nre now busy explaining the rensons for Its convul sions. One charges the disaster to :he unusual stress upon tho earth, because upon the Htli of May the moon and sun were nt right angles to the earth with referenco to the sun nnd earth. A gov ernment geologist hns long known that the silt of the Mississippi and tho Ori noco would cnuse this trouble by press lug down too hard on the thin crust of enrth under the gulf. Then came tho plausible theory that there Is a vast mass of tire under that section Into which the waters of tho gulf percolat ed and generated steam which caused the explosion. Another geologist says that volcanoes do not throw out nam ing gases. Either tho reports that Mount Pelee did throw out such gases aro untrue, or that, If true, It Is un wise to speculate on the capabilities of a volcano. Other scientists who made no predictions and who arc not specially Interested In Its causes nre laying out more or less startling pro grams for the future, some Involving the disappearance of all the West In dia Islands. In view of the results It would be wiser for tho scientists to realize their limitations nnd be less dogmatic In their assertions. Mount Pelee and Mount Souffrlero have dem onstrated that the wisest of them know little or nothing of what Is golug on dowu In tho bowels of the earth, cer tainly not enough for them to declare what a volcano, active or extinct, can do on a given dny. It will bo much wiser for them to let the great things alone. KiubarrunaliiK Accuracy. A certain Mr. nud Mrs. Auderson, who had a grown-up daughter, went to live In California, where they rented a biuiiII furulnhcd house nnd engaged n ChlncHC iniiii-of-nll-work. Tho house wiih well situated nud tastefully fur ultthcd, nud Wing Leo proved to bo n good cook, clenu und respectful. Ah noon as tho AudcrouH were settled tho uclghbom begnu to call, nud It was then Hint tho fact wns discovered that Wing wiih utixolutely devoid of tiny Ideas an to the UHUcrlug In or out of guests. Ho oiu morning Mrs, Aiuleihou and her duughter determined to Instruct htm. Providing him with a tray, MIhs Ander sou went out, rang the hell, wiih shown Into tho slttlng-ronm, und waited while the Chluumnu carried her card to Mrs. Amlethon. This was repented several times until they were iulh nut tailed that Wing was perfect In his role. That evening ut half past N tho hell rang. Wing stalked majestically to the door, while mother and daughter leaned over the hauUtets to watch the result of their teaching. They heard a gentle mini's voice ask If the ladles were at home. They saw Wing present his trny and twelve a card with an air which made them mentally pat each other on the hack, nud then they hhw him draw a card from his sleeve. "Mluel" gasped the daughted. "The ono we used for tho lessou!" Wlug compared the two carefully, and, re turning the one which the caller had Just handed him, he remarked bladly, "Tlckeo no good. .No can come," ami calmly shut the door In the face of the astonished guest! Kuully Interpreted, Mra. Hoou-1 dreamed last night that you hud given me an automobile. Mr. Hoon Il'in, yes! You had a horseless nightmare and by tho way, my dear, dreams usually go by con traries." Smart Set After the honeymoon a woman never looks entirely satisfied with her hus band again except when ho geta his salary raised. Did you over see a dramatic play that there wasu't some wronged woman lultl LEADING BUSINESS FIRMS OF EASTERN OREGON. THE MINT SALOON O. L. MEU.QUIBT, Prmp. BKPT BRANDS OK WINES AND LIQUORS IMPORTED AND DOMKSTIC CIOAK8..... Cornet Depot Street nd Jefferson Avenue, LA OHANDE, OH. The Leading FURNITURE DEALER AND OP EASTERN OREOON IS .M. A. RADER.. Funeral Director and Embalmer Lady Assistant. PENIILRTON OHEGON K. Y. Jcdd, Pratt. F B. JonD, 8eo'y and Treas. Tiikrom K. Fill, Manager Incorporated, 15 Capital Stock, 110,000 PENDLETON Woolen Mills Manufacturers ot FleeceWool Blankets, Indian Robes Casslmorcs, Flannels PondlBtoni Oram ol NHE CELEBRATED COLUMBIA BREWERY AUGUST nt'CHLER, Prop. This well-known brewery Is nnr turning out the best Beer and I'ortercast ot tho Cascades. The latest appliances (or tho manufacture, ol good healthful Ili-crbavo been Introduced, and only tbe first-class article will be placed on tin msrktt. East Second 8treet THE DALLES, OR. Dalles Laundry Go. riRsr-oLAss work at Short Nolle Gentlemen's Work a Specialty Local Phone 341 Long Distune BOS THE DALLES, OREOON Z. F. MOODY THE DALIES, OR. General Forwarding AND Commission Merchant. Offices and Warehouses at RAILROAD AND STEAMER DEPOTS Wool handling our specially. Grain bought and sold. Columbia Browery Thm Omlmhemf AUOUST BUCMLER, Propr. Of th product of this well-known brewery, the United States Health Reports for June 28. I9W), says: "A more superior brvwnererentered the labratoryof the United states Health Ite- trlm It la ahinllitftlv ilevnlil of tlm HtrhtMMt trace of adulteration, but on the other hand Is ' composed or the best ot malt and cnoicest ol hops, Itsloulatiualttlesare of the highest, and It can be used with the greatest be ne lit and satisfaction bvold and young. lis use can con scientiously bi prrtortoed by the physicians, with the certainty that a bettervurcr or more wholesome bererags could not possibly be lound." r Emml Stoontf at., THE DALLES, OH. Bar Fixtures and ..Billiard Tables.. Hvc Re-established their busi ness In PORTLAND, t 49 Third Street. A full stock of Bar Fixtures, Bil liard and Pool Tables. Bowling Alleys and Supplies always on hand. EASY PAYMENTS. J. G. REDDICK, Manager. LIPPINCOTT'S MONTHLY MAGAZINE A Family library Tbi Bist In Current Litmriri 12 Complctk Novels Ycarlv MANY SHORT STOJhES AND PAPERS ON TIMELY TOPICS $2,60 crt vk an; 25cts.a copr NO CONTINUED STORIES KVBRV NUHlia COMPLKTC IN ITtJKkr CALL AT THE COULTER GROCERY STORE I FOB FIK8T CLASS GOODS Carry Full Line of Stnplo and Fancy uroceries. Telephone white U07. EAST SIDE. T HE H. T. HUDSON ARMS CO. Wholesalo and Retail Denlers In Guru, Fish- Ine Tackle, Uaseball. Theatrical and Ovrnon- jlnmOoods. A. 0. Spalding' Athletic (Joodi. Ilcadauartcri for (lull floods. Hand Loaded Shells to order of every description. Fine Gun repairing; a specialty. 110 Third St., PORTLAND, OREGON "QUELLE" 8. E. Corner Sixth and Stark Sts. Fritz Sechtem. "Baron" Schlenk Most Elegantly Appointed Kcfectory in tho Northwest. Crawfish a Specialty. Foreign nnd Domestic Delicacies. Grill Iloom in Connection. PHILLIPS TRUNK CO. Trunks Made to Order Also Taken in Exchange. TRUNKS REPAIRED. 311 Morrison St., Opposite Postoffice Nottingham & Co. (Established 1R8J.) JOBBERS IN Lime, Cement, Plaster, Land Plaster, Hair, Lath, Shingles, Flour and Feed. HOLE AOENTS FOR Big Bend and Moss Rose Flour Both Phones 381, Central Dock, Foot of Washington St. Portland, Oregon. A. Ooodnough J. O. Slcarns 600DN0UGH & STEARNS Real Estate Loans and Insurance Washington Building, Portland, Or City, Suburban and Country Property, Im proved and unimproved. Timber and Coal Lands, Cholco Water Frontage, suitable for manufacturing purposes. Valuable business property for salo. O. II. Bclple. XI. B, Silple. OWEN H. SEIPLE & GO. Dealers In STAPLE JND FANCY GROCERIES PHONE SOUTH 1CC0. 3S3 Morrison St PORTUNDOREGON Timber Lands and Homesteads Located! Estimates ot Timber by Competent Kstlmatora. EQUITY RENTAL AND REAL ESTATE CO. Dealers in Real Estate. Rents Col lected; Business Chances and Loam Negotiated. C. L. Case. A. R. Sprcadborough. Oregon I'hone Union lttd, MalnOltlce: U4 Kast Morrison St. J'OUTLANI), OKB TIME CARD OF TRAINS m& PORTLAND Pepart. Arrive. North Coast Limited 2;0Q , P. M. 7:00 A. M. Twin City Express...... 11:30 P. M. 5:20 P. M. Kansas City A St. Louis Special -...., 8:25 A. M. 11:10 P. M. Puget Sound Limited...... 9:23 A. M. 6:45 p. M. Jake the Puget Sound Limited For Olympia, South Bend and Gray's Harbor points. Ml trains daily. Our trains daily to Tncoma and Seattle. Three through to the East. A. D. CHARLTON, AsaiBiaui ocnerai rasxsnger Ageni 355 Morriaoa St., cor. Third, PORTLAND, OHEGON Qipfi OREGON StfOI(r LINE and Union Pacific DKMBT TIME SCHEDULE! rtttlind. Cf. Aaaiva Chicago Portland Special :l0a. m. Tla Huntington, Ealt Lake, Denver, Ft. Worth, Omaha, Kansas City, 8t. Louls,ChlcagoaDd Last ftSOp.; At'antlo Kxpress 1:00 p.m. Tla Huntington. Walla Walla Lewis Paul, Dulnth, Mllwaa. ket.CblcegoAZast M0 a. as. et Paul Fast Hall iOO p. m. Tla Cpokana Bait Lake, Center, 7:00a. i Ft. Worth.Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louls.Ciilcagoaud fcasL 72 HOURS PORTLAND TO CHICAGO No change of cars. Lowest Rates, Quickest Time. OCEAN AND RIVER SCHEDULE moat rOltTLAND. l.-oo p.m. All sailing dates subject to change For Fan Francisco kail every 1 days. 4:00 y. i Dally Ex. Sunday I'.ouv.m. eaturday lo:wi p. m. Columbls Rliir Itssmsrs. To Astoria and Way Landings. 4 00 p. m, Xx. Sunday (:45 a.m. 1.x. Sunday Wltlsmslta (ll.sr. Oregon City, New berg, flilem, Indo- rendence A Way aiidlngs. 4:.i0p. m. Kx. Sunday 7:00 a.m. Tuts., Thur. audfiau Wlllamsttt and Yam hill niters. Oregon City, Day. ton, it ttay Laud lugs. 3:90 p.m. Mon., Wed. and Frt. :45 a.m. Tues.. Thnr. and Bat. VvlltsmiMt Rlrtr. Portland to Corral, Us A , Way Land ings. 4: JO p.m. Mon., Wed. and FrL for low rates and other Information writ U A. L. CRAIG, General PasMnger Ageut, Portland, On, EAST AND SOUTH VIA SOUTHERN PACIFIC CO. Shasta Route Trains leave West Bclo lor Portland and way stations at 10:45 a. in. Leave for Albany at 3:u3 p. m. LeaTes Portland 8:30 a. m., 7 p. m. " Albany 12:80 p. m lOi.TOp. m. Arrives Ashland 1J:SJ a. m., 11:30 a. m. " Sacramento 6 p. m., 4:35 a. m. 11 San Francisco 7:45 p. m., 8:15 a. m, " Ogden t, :45 a. m 11 : a. ra. " Dener 9 a, m., 0 a. m, ' Kansas City 7:&) a. in., 9:30 a, m, " Chicago 7:45 it. in., 9:30 a. in. " Los Aiigeltn l:Ju p.in.,7 a. in. " Kl Paso A p. m., 6p, m. " Fort Worth 0:30 a. in., 0:30 p. m. " City of .Mexlco9:&5a.m.,9;M a. m. " Houston 4 a. in., 4 a. ra. New Orleans fli'iip. m.,'.25a. ra. " Washington 0:4'2 a. m 6:il a. m. " New York 12:43 p. miJ;43 p. m. Pullman and Tourist cars on both trains. Chair cars Sacramento to Ogden and Kl Paso, and tourist curs to Chicago, St. Louis, New Or leant and Washington, Connecting at San Francisco with several lines lor Honolulu, Japan, China, Philippines, Central and South America. H. m. MILLER, O. P. A., Portland, Oregon White Collar Line Portland -Astoria Route Str. "BAILEY GATZERT." Dally round trips except Sunday. TIBIK OAltD. Leaves Portland 700A. M Leave Astoria .7:00 P. M Tb rough Portland connection with Steamer ttancotiairom. jiwacoanu ijng ueacn points. White Collar Line tickets Interchangeable witu u, it. & .v. co. ana v. t, co. ticKets. The Dalles-Portland Route STEAMERS "TAHOMA" and "METLAKO" Dally trips except Buuday. Sir. "TAHOMA." Uavea Portland, Mon., Wed., Prl 7:00 A. 51 Leaves Tbe Dalles, Tues., Thurs. Sat., 7:00 A. M Str. METLAKO." Leaves Portland, Tues., Thu., Sat 7:00 A. M. UavesThe Dalles Mon.. WedFrl 7:00 A.M. Landln and otNce Foot Alder Street. Doth phone Main sal, l'orlland, Oregon, AGENTS. JOHN M. riLLOON..... . The Dalles, Or A. J. TAYLOK. .- Astoria. Or J. J. LUCKEY J. .nood Kiver. Or WOLFOKU A IVVEK3 cue baimon, wash J. c. WYATT ... .. Vancouver, Wash It. B. 01LBKKTII ... Lyle, Wash JOHN M. TOTTON........6teveuson, Wash HENRY OI.M8TED............. Canon, Wash WM. BUTLER. .................Butler, Wash E. W. CRICHTON, Portland, Oregon TIE MOUSE FURNISHING CO. (Incorporated.) Manulactartrs ol Woven Wire Mattresses. Carpets, Portiere, Rugs. Lace Curtains. naues, rurnuure, nan raper, rtcture Frame, liattressea, Bedding. UadertklBHdewblmtatpeclAky B,07UMAU.an?ro: 0w- MumSo Temp,0 Xuturft 0a0, m BT RAIL ANnWATKIt. A STQRU&CSLUM8II RIVER RAILROAD CO. fli WITH THROUGH PARLOR CARS BKTWLKN Portland, Astoria: Seaside Leaves Union Depot Portland For Mnygers, Kaln Jer, Clntskanlc WcHtpnrt, Clifton, Astoria, Warren ton, Flare), dear hart 1'ark and Sea side. Astoria A Seashore Kxpress Dally. Astorln Express Dally. Arrlres Union Depot; Portland 1:00 a, m. 11:10 a. m. 1:40 p. m. fliMp. m. (2:30 p.m. Dally except Saturday. (Saturday only. Ticket odlcc, 25S Morrison street, and Unlotu depot, Portland. J. C. MAYO, Gen. Pass. Agent, Astoria, Or. fcJ--lTU HI 1 , Mmm r immaummn EwHaawtalm SHAVER TRANSPORTATION Cp..)(l STEAMER GEO. W. SHAVER, Will Icaro Portland, font ol Washington St.. Sundny, Tuesday and 'lliursdny cvciiIiik nt & o'clock, Inr -auvles Island, Kt. Ilelcm, Onptes Deer Is nnd, Mnrllus, Knlnma, Neur City,. Itniiler, Mt. C'otlln, Mnyirvr, Stella, Oak Point,. Kriciiinus, Manaulllo,Ulatskanlo and nil way innUliiK. "BEST OF EVERYTHING" In a word this tells of thl pas. sctigcr service via ' THE NORTHWESTERN LINE Klght Trains Dally between St. Paul and Chicago, comprising Tho Latest rtilliimn Hlrnpnrs, l'rrlraa Dlnlnr Vara, LILritry asnit tlbatirvMtlon Cars, Kr Ititollnlnaj Chair Clara. THKTWKNTIKTH CENTUKY TRAIN "THE NORTHWESTERN LIMITED" Hunt Every Day ol the Year. The Finest Train in the World Electric Lighted Steam Heated TO CHICAOO nY DAYLIGHT. The Itadcer State Kxnress, the fluent Day Trnlr ItuunliiK Iletwven St. Paul and UIiIoiko vls-. the Short Line. Connections irom thc-'-j West made via. The Northern Pacific, Great Northern nnd 1 Canadian Pacific Rallwajs- Thls Is alio the best lino between Omaha, Str Paul and Minneapolis. aii Agents sen ncKeis vi "in norinwesi- crn L.MIU. W. H. MEAD, General Agent. H. L. SISLOR, T. A. 848 Alder Street, Portland, Or. ao EAST. VIA fe m Shortest and Quickest Lln"?T - .TO ST. PAUL.DULUTH, MINNEAPOLIS, CHICK Jjf 1 AND ALL POINTS KAST. 'CmP'JI Thrnurh I'nlnon anil Tourist Hlesnra .'isa' l Ululii( himI llulTot Siuoklni; LllirHry Oar. DAILY TIIAINM KA8TTIME: SEHVICK AND SUENKUY UNz.qUALf.1). TlcVets to olnts Kast vlathcjOKEAT North krn Hailwav. on ate at Columbia boulhem and O, It. & N. Depot Ticket Olllco, or Gnur Noktiiekn Ticket Olllce 133 Third St., I'urtlntul, Or. For Kates, Folders and full Information re gardlne Kastern trip, call on or addreas A. B. C. DENNISTON. Ltijr i . nuu i u-fci-t kviii, i urumiu, or, V .,...,.-. ... W.-.1 -. ... ...... a n . X U M. PAItniSH. FUA.NK E. WATKI.N8, Notary Public. Notary Public. O. E. WATKI.NB. PARRISH, WATKINS I GO. REAL ESTATE ! Insurance, House and Loan Agents. 2H iliir St. Portlud, ltii 80 YEARS EXPERIENCK Timdc Mark Dcsioms Copyrights Ac. Aorone sending sketch and description may e,ulcklr ascertain our opinion free wbetber as Invention U probably patentable. Commnnleaw UoBasirletlveonfldantuL Handbook oa Patent aent free. Oldest ac annev for aecnrtn oat PateaU taktn throuab llunn ten. receive sney lor aeconrurpaienia. ejMrtai matte,, without cbarce, la the SckKMK JimericaHe A haneeomely tUnstrated weekly. Tanrest ! Terms. N eulatloa of anr scientific l.arnaL rear t roar montha. L Bold by all newsdealera. jjAjrra I IrX 'ft . 'l T 1"