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THE DAILY ASTORIAN • FRIDAY, FEbRuARY 22, 2019
Readers disagree with advice
Dear Readers: The letter from unlikely that he would change his
a woman who is thinking about ways by attending couples counsel-
walking out on her 40-year mar- ing. She will not be able to make a
riage struck a chord, and many of clear decision while she is still liv-
you thought my suggestion of mar- ing in the home and requiring lots
riage counseling was the
of emotional support.
DEAR
wrong advice, even though
When you’re giving
ANNIE
I said that if the counseling
advice to a person experi-
encing domestic violence,
proved fruitless, she would
the goal must be the per-
know what to do. My first
son’s safety. Every state
impression was that see-
ing as the woman was see-
has hotlines and agen-
cies to help stop domestic
ing her own therapist, if
violence. — A Very Con-
her life were in danger, her
therapist — who knows ANNIE LANE cerned Social Worker in
Creators
North Dakota
much more about the situ-
Syndicate Inc.
ation than we do — would
Dear Annie: Your
help her to leave. However,
reply to “Conflicted and
I received so many letters taking a Anguished” was one of the worst I
different position that I wanted to have ever heard. For you to expect
share some of them with you.
a man to change after 40 years of
Dear Annie: The best advice emotional, verbal and physical
that should be given to a per- abuse, I’d like to sell you a bridge
son who has a spouse who iso- in the desert. — Wish I’d Done It
lates and abuses is for the person to Sooner
reach out to a local domestic vio-
Dear Readers: I want to thank
lence agency. It was poor advice to all readers who expressed con-
have this woman take her husband cern for this woman’s safety and
for couples therapy, as that might well-being, and I particularly want
be the one thing that could trigger to thank Dr. Lucy Candib for her
him to escalate his abusive behav- letter below, which offers a safe and
ior. She needs to talk to a trained creative solution to this problem
counselor or advocate who works by involving the woman’s children
with an approved agency for vic- and her therapist.
tims of domestic violence. It is very
Dear Annie: I am very con-
cerned about your recommendation
to “Conflicted and Anguished,” a
woman married for almost 40 years
to a man she describes as verbally
and physically abusive. You rec-
ommended marriage counseling.
Please reconsider your answer in
light of what we understand about
the dynamics of abusive relation-
ships. In the setting of abuse, mar-
riage or couples counseling can put
the weaker party at risk for more
serious abuse and even death, espe-
cially if the abuser knows that the
partner is considering leaving.
Around the time of leaving is the
most dangerous time for a person in
an abusive relationship. Most cou-
ples therapists and counseling agen-
cies will not do couples work when
there is a risk of violent behavior.
How could this woman talk
freely in a counseling setting,
knowing that her husband might go
home and take it out on her? Her
safety is the primary consideration
here. Given that her adult children
know about the situation and that
she is worried about “the right thing
to do” to her family, you might rec-
ommend that her therapist coor-
dinate a family meeting involving
them to help the woman make the
safest choice. — Lucy M. Candib,
M.D.
TOMORROW’S HOROSCOPE
By Holiday Mathis, Creators Syndicate Inc.
ARIES (March 21-April 19). Novelty is an
actual human need and there’s physiological
evidence for this. Ask new questions and
make new demands of your routine in the
name of seeing it fresh again.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Discipline leads
to freedom and freedom may create the
need, or the longing, for discipline. Whichever
part of the cycle you’re in right now, accept it
and move toward your desire.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20). Hope has a
much better memory than gratitude. In other
words, people who want something from you
give a more intense quality of attention than
people who already get something from you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You devel-
op in your personality and in your calling on
a daily basis, sometimes in teensy increments
and other times in leaps. You’re still adjusting
to this last leap. Give yourself some time to
get used to things.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21). At first the job
seemed overwhelmingly cumbersome, and
now it’s just a pain. That’s OK. Like a body-
builder, you get stronger by handling this bur-
den repeatedly. Soon it will be like a feather,
and you’ll have amazing “muscles.”
CANCER (June 22-July 22). There’s a mystery
you need to root out, and it’s a layered one at
that. How do you get to the bottom of it? By
recognizing when you’re not there yet and
digging a little deeper.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You’ll do a thing until
it loses its appeal and not a moment longer.
It’s not because you’re fickle, rather it’s that
time is precious and some practices get old
faster than others.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). When you interact
with people, you try to give them something
useful. The trouble is that you don’t always
know what’s useful to other people. Today,
just your being there will be useful enough.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). To live the exciting
life of your fantasies, you’ll need to erect and
enforce certain boundaries. Cultivating your
dreams will take time — time that you won’t
have unless you fiercely protect it.
FRANK AND ERNEST
BLONDIE
THATABABY
SALLY FORTH
PHOEBE AND HER UNICORN
B.C.
LOLA
DILBERT
SIX CHIX
BIZARRO
MUTTS
NON SEQUITUR
BABY BLUES
WIZARD OF ID
ZITS
ROSE IS ROSE
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). There are
those who will root for you to be your best —
as long as it doesn’t surpass theirs. A relation-
ship of this type will have a short shelf life, as
ultimately you’ll have to cross a threshold.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you’re going
to work on self-discipline, don’t do it for a
boss, partner or for the good of anyone other
than yourself. And know that this is noble
work. There is no higher dominion than the
dominion over your own impulses.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). People are like
the wind; they carry the good and bad qual-
ities of the strata through which they flow.
There’s something about the climate you will
want to rise above, so you seek purification.
TOMORROW’S BIRTHDAY (Feb. 23). You
don’t set out to do things differently or be
unique, but it happens naturally as you get
increasingly sensitive to the particulars of
your talent and contribute accordingly. Rela-
tionships will blur lines, thus benefiting you
in multiple ways. Working for a cause, you’ll
be surrounded by like minds — a noble crew.
Cancer and Aquarius adore you. Your lucky
numbers are: 4, 19, 3, 7 and 25.