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THE DAILY ASTORIAN • FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2017
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Global politics, junior high-style
What if world
nations governed in
the spirit of certain
recent exchanges?
By GAIL HENRIKSON
The Daily Astorian
A
few weeks ago, headlines across the
nation stated that the North Korean
president had declared the U.S. presi-
dent a “mentally deranged … dotard.”
When I first saw this headline in the
Washington Post, I immediately broke
into laughter. My guffaw was triggered not
by any comedy inherent in the escalating
threats and the implicit diplomatic ramifi-
cations. Instead, I had been caught unaware
and was able to recognize the absolute ludi-
crousness of the situation.
My immediate thought was a trip back
in time to my days in junior high school.
Perhaps student life is different today, but
I remember those days as a time of great
insecurity. We often lived in pre-adolescent
angst over the unpredictable pranks played
by the boys in the class or by the linguistic
cruelty of the girls. (Not to stereotype, but
those were the gender distinctions in my
educational paradigm.)
From the perspective of time, it’s easy to
see that this childish meanness was based
on a need to assert one’s independence and
prove one’s strength. And, in hindsight, the
level of immaturity we used to assert our
maturity was laughable.
This led me to wonder what the world
would be like if we conducted more aspects
of our governance as if we were 12-year-
olds trying to prove how sophisticated we
are.
Rogue nations? No longer a problem.
Anyone who has ever been ostracized in
the lunchroom will understand the power of
conformity. After a week of being shunned
by diplomats in the United Nations caf-
eteria, ambassadors from unruly nations
would be scampering back to their homes,
begging their leaders to assimilate to inter-
national societal norms and negotiate trea-
ties. Imagine the shame of hundreds of
world leaders taunting an ambassador:
“Nah, nah. You don’t have any friends.”
Surely world peace cannot be far behind.
Military actions, likewise, would take
on a new norm. Gone would be the mili-
tarized and deadly weaponry that threat-
ens the world today. “Fire and fury” would
be replaced by paper airplanes loaded with
spitballs. Rubber bands would replace
rifles.
Even if the range limitations of the new
weapons could be overcome, any attack
would have minimal impacts on human life
and the environment. The budgetary sav-
ings alone would likely allow nations to
eliminate poverty and improve education
and health care within a decade. Granted,
clean-up might be messy, but a few strong
rainstorms would likely result in the mili-
tary material bio-degrading at a rapid rate.
State speeches would no longer be per-
functory affairs of meaningless words.
Attendees would be too busy pass-
ing notes or trying to fling pencils
into the ceiling to pay the speaker
much mind.
Likewise, interpreters could
promote attentiveness by slipping
in loose translations to ensure listen-
ers were truly listening. A speech where
a leader discusses the democratic values
of “underpants and toilets” is much more
interesting than one that discusses “under-
standing and tolerance.”
Handshakes as well would become
fraught with danger, as one would never
knew if that pat on the back was a ges-
ture of goodwill or whether your colleague
was slapping a note onto your back. Imag-
ine the hilarity of seeing a prominent world
leader walking up to the podium to deliver a
speech on economic reforms with a sticky-
note on the back of his/her tailor-made suit
stating “I still sleep with my teddy bear” or
“Leader X loves Leader B.”
Perhaps the most interesting aspect of
all would be the photo-op. World leaders
would no longer push aside prime minis-
ters from lesser-known countries, as no one
would want to be in the front row. After
all, there would be a willing group of lead-
ers standing behind you waiting to flash
“bunny ears” on the back of your head just
as the cameras flashed. A little humility is a
good thing for humankind.
We are all familiar with the proverb
“May you live in interesting times.” With-
out a doubt, these are among the most inter-
esting times many of us have ever lived
through. It is easy to become mired in
despair and frustration over the intrigues in
government and the path down which the
world seems headed. However, as recent
headlines should remind us, so much of this
is nothing more than the politics of junior
high.
That is why the personal name-calling
should make us laugh out loud. As frustrat-
ing as these times may be, we have to look
to the light at the end of the tunnel. We can
hope that soon the pre-adolescent tyranny
will be replaced by the mature and lev-
el-headed rule of high school, where cliques
and clothing determined the world order.
AS FRUSTRATING AS THESE TIMES MAY BE,
WE HAVE TO LOOK TO THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.