14 // COASTWEEKEND.COM
Coast Weekend’s local
restaurant review
Astoria restaurant puts the cart before the horse
Review and photos by MOUTH
OF THE COLUMBIA
I
In the two years leading up to
Life in the Slow Lane’s March
opening, ownership had plenty of
time to think.
They began with a concept: The
restaurant would celebrate early
20th century Americana — fl apper
dresses, newsboy caps and, above
all, burgeoning automobile cul-
ture. The centerpiece, a red 1930
Ford Model A Deluxe Roadster,
was labored over, meticulously
restored. It is described on their
website as the “car that started it
all.” The Roadster is parked plum
in the middle of prime, brand new
real estate: the dining room of
an expansive, 4,700-square-foot,
two-story building on 16th Street
and Marine Drive.
Tables ring the second fl oor
dining room, with views of Marine
Drive and the Columbia River.
The walls are dotted with other
era-evoking ephemera, like vintage
boots, hand bags and so on, though
the outsized space still feels a bit
empty. Staff are dressed accord-
ingly, sporting bold era attire that’s
oddly aristocratic for the carnival
fare. Otherwise quiet, a TV shows
black and white cartoons, Betty
Boop and the like. The shrill, war-
bling voices, plinking pianos and
crashing sound effects are surreal
and, for dining, somewhat uneasy.
Nonetheless, these aesthetic
choices would be acceptable,
charming even, except that they
seem to underscore Life in the
Slow Lane’s putting the cart before
the horse: The food just doesn’t
hold up. On offer are hot dogs and
a fried potato — two classics that
are needlessly upended.
We’ll begin with the dogs.
Rather than served in traditional
buns, Slow Lane’s “River Dogs”
come in hollowed out, lightly
toasted Italian rolls. Condiments
are squirted inside, then the dog
slides in, the tip sticking out like a
head from a sleeping bag. At fi rst
glance the approach seems novel.
And with the Italian Dog, an herby
Italian sausage with marinara
sauce and mozzarella cheese, it
almost works. (It got soggy quick.)
With every other dog, the bread
pocket falls totally fl at.
The hollowed tube, which
leaves just enough space for the
dog, doesn’t have near enough
room for condiments. Hot dog sta-
ples — like onions and sauerkraut
— are served on the side. Forget
anything teeming or Chicago-style.
Heck, forget even a modicum of
toppings. You get sauce, and that’s
about it.
Slow Lane’s Chili and Cheese
Dog is the
most egregious
offender. A
proper chili
dog should
be absolutely
smothered,
beans and
meat in equal
portion to
the dog, if
not over-
whelming
it and the
bun. It
should be
a big, glorious, glutton-
ous, meaty, stewy mess. At Slow
Lane, it’s as if the dog was merely
dipped in the chili and cheese then
slid into the roll. In terms of fl avor
it is, in all honesty, reminiscent of
the 7-Eleven, gas station variety:
the rubbery nacho-cheese and
watery chili thin enough as to be
dispensed from a pump. There was
nary a bean in sight (nor onions,
for that matter, though I could’ve
gotten some on the side...). Believe
it or not, the 7-Eleven variation is
actually superior to Slow Lane’s in
that at least there is no limitation
to the condiments that can be piled
on. It’s also about half the price.
(River Dogs are $5.95, save for the
$4.95 Classic Dog.)
That premium price isn’t
affording a premium dog. They’re
thick but bland. Established brands
like Nathan’s Famous and Hebrew
LIFE IN THE SLOW
LANE
Rating:
1619 Marine Drive, Astoria
818-822-6539
HOURS: 11 a.m. to 7 p.m.
Monday through Sunday.
PRICE: $ – Before drink, a hot
dog and fry will run $10.
SERVICE: Warm, friendly,
earnest
VEGETARIAN / VEGAN OP-
TIONS: Not recommended.
DRINKS: Fountain soda, Ital-
ian soda, coff ee and tea
Above: Nary a bean is in sight
with Slow Lane’s Chili and
Cheese Dog, which is served
with a thin chili and nacho-
cheese-like sauce.
Left: The Column Fry is a spi-
ral-cut potato on a long skewer.
National put
a licking on whatever is
being used here. (The unseasoned,
orange, pressed paste that was the
vegetarian dog, meanwhile, was
an affront to both hot dogs and
vegetarian alternatives.)
Condiments couldn’t save the
day. The Polynesian Dog, with a
marble-sized dollop of pineapple
on the tip, featured a sweet and
sour sauce that smacked of corn
syrup. The veggie dog, which I
ordered with “everything” came
with mustard and a plastic cup of
sauerkraut on the side. (Save for a
ketchup pump, Slow Lane has no
condiment bar.)
The Column Fry ($3.95) strug-
gled too. A spiral-cut potato on a
long skewer, it split the difference
between French fry and chip.
Seasoned with a salty dust of your
choice, from “Cheezy Ranch”
to “Buffalo Wings,” the texture
was off: soft yet dry, lacking a
satisfying crunch or hearty center.
Despite being served on a stick,
the Column Fry necessitated two
hands. It wasn’t much fun to eat.
It was another decision that had
me wondering: Why? In the case
of the dog, serving it in a roll rath-
er than a bun, I asked. The answer:
Ownership thought the roll would
make the dogs cleaner, more por-
table. But since when was the hot
dog ever hard to eat on the go?
At least with the gelato and
sorbet, Slow Lane has left well-
enough alone. With ingredient
mixes from Italy whipped together
in-house, I found a wide range.
The ones including actual ingre-
dients — like the Oregon Berry
($3.95 / small), with blackberries
and raspberries, and the Straw-
berry Guava, with strawberry —
were far superior to the absolutely
artifi cial ones, like Apple. All a bit
fl uffy, the chocolate was passable,
KEY TO STAR RATING SYSTEM
Poor
Below average
Good & worth return
Excellent
Best in region
and the salted caramel was buttery.
But in the case of iced dessert
(and fried potatoes), there’s no
reason not to head a few steps
down the hill to the marvelous
Frite & Scoop, where everything
is truly homemade and contains
no artifi cial fl avor. The same goes
for Custard King, which delivers
drive-thru nostalgia and quality
burgers with a modern fl ourish.
It’s tough, because the hearts
at Life in the Slow Lane are in
the right place. There is an ear-
nest goodwill and obvious desire
to please. The food, however, has
been but an afterthought. Devel-
oping flavors didn’t receive the
same energy and effort as did
the restoration of that classic car.
The work that was spent on food
ended up producing solutions to
problems that didn’t exist. It’s
not too late to change. But after
some two years in the making,
Life in the Slow Lane is only
half-baked.