mallows (Sidalcea), yarrow (Achillea), Erigeron, Wyethia,
Western conefl ower (Rudbeckia), with goldenrod (Solidago)
and asters (Symphotrichum) as being two of the highest.
The National Wildlife Federation has a comprehensive
list for each region of keystone plants if you enter your
zip code on their site: NativePlantFinder.nwf.org.
Here are some other important things to help with the
decline of pollinators in the insect world.
1) Remove invasive plants. They destroy natural habitats.
If you have time, volunteer at your local park or neighbor-
hood association to help maintain and clear these areas.
2) Find alternatives to herbicides and pesticides and
encourage neighbors to adopt spray-free zones. (Note
from Kim Kelly: For years, I have used vinegar to kill
weeds. Or pull them.)
3) Help reduce light pollution. The bright outdoor
night lights kill thousands of moths. Replace your outdoor
lights with yellow LED lights. For every butterfl y, there
are approximately 14 kinds of moths. They are the work-
horses of the Lepidoptera family, producing many cater-
pillars that are the primary food source for 90 percent
of our songbird fl edglings.
The Upper Willamette Soil and Water Conservation
District is hosting Tallamay Jan. 23 at Wildish Theater
SAVAGE Love
I’m a gay man in my 50s, comfort-
able in my skin, but I suff ered severe
bullying throughout school, which was
often abetted by teachers. A recent
class reunion prompted me to write
a tell-all letter to the current school
director regarding that trauma. His
gracious response was incredibly
healing.
My family has accepted me since
I came out in my 20s, but they don't
know the full extent of my ordeal.
While I shared the letter with my
supportive brother, I’ve hesitated
to show it to my parents, who are in
their 70s. They claim ignorance (“We
didn't know you were suff ering!” ”You
never told us you were gay!”), yet they
acknowledged long ago that I was
“different” from toddlerhood, and
they often criticized my “un-boyish”
behavior when I was a child.
To give you one concrete example:
Some older kids called me a gay slur
when I was seven. I asked my mother
what it meant. I can still vividly picture
her shock and horror. So they knew I
was gay but never initiated a conver-
sation with me about it, and I was too
ashamed to speak up back then. Since
writing to the school, I feel an urge
to fi nally have a “warts and all” talk
with my parents to understand their
perspective. Should I open Pandora's
box with my elderly parents now, or
leave things be for the sake of family
peace? What is the best approach
to having this conversation? Thank
you in advance for your perspective.
— Pandora's Box Opener
I have three siblings, PBO, two older
brothers and a younger sister. When we
became teenagers, our parents started
to give us experiences for our birthdays
instead of toys. When my brother turned
13, he asked for tickets to a Bears game
at Soldiers Field; when my other brother
turned 13, he asked for tickets to a Cubs
support.eugeneweekly.com
in Springfi eld. Tallamay is the author of many books,
including: Bringing Nature Home, Nature’s Best Hope,
The Nature of Oaks, and his latest book, How Can I Help?
All of Tallamay’s books off er inspiring and hopeful ideas
and information on how to get started in your own yard.
If you would like to do more to help pollinators, check
out the Habitat Haven backyard certifi cation program run
by Barbara Bryson.
Bryson reports that a key consideration of the certifi -
cation program is the natural food web that evolved over
millions of years. Songbirds require native insects to feed
their nestlings and those insects eat native plants. Many
native bees similarly require (or prefer) native wildfl owers.
An estimated 3 billion birds have disappeared from
North America in the past 50 years and pollinators are
down about 40 percent worldwide. The major culprits
are loss of habitat and pesticide use. Replacing (or not
planting) lawns and choosing native plants for landscap-
ing is an excellent fi rst step toward reversing this decline.
As Tallamy says, “If we replaced half of American lawns
with native plants, we would create the equivalent of a
20 million acre national park.”
The compounding negative impacts to our natural
world can feel overwhelming. But a growing number of
people in our community are experiencing the joy and
satisfaction of helping birds, other wildlife and pollina-
tors right in their own yards. The Habitat Haven program,
under the auspices of Coast to Cascades Bird Alliance
and supported by a grant from Upper Willamette Soil
and Water Conservation District, began just 20 months
ago and has already enrolled more than 200 households.
Habitat Haven is run mostly by knowledgeable volun-
teers, who make a site visit with the homeowner, focusing
on creating a healthy habitat. A personalized plan follows,
and a yard sign is provided to proudly display the inten-
tion to help heal nature at home. There is a suggested
fee of $35 to $50 for the consult and plan.
Restoring habitat in residential yards makes a diff er-
ence, and Habitat Haven participants see the results
fi rsthand. Many say they are seeing new bee, bird and
butterfl y species. The site visits and reports are over-
whelmingly appreciated. Comments like: “This was the
best thing ever! I’m so excited to get started” are typical.
To learn more or to join the Habitat Haven community and to see
future events, go to CCBirdAlliance.org/habitat-haven. Cynthia
Laff erty owns and runs Doak Creek Native Plant Nursery in Eugene
DoakCreekNursery.com. Kim Kelly edits the Garden Palette. Send
questions to Gardening@EugeneWeekly.com.
The Parent Trap
BY DAN SAVAGE
game at Wrigley Field.
When I turned 13, I asked for tickets
to the national tour of A Chorus Line at
the Schubert Theater.
My parents aren’t much older than
yours, PBO, and I was about seven years
old — just like you — when other kids
started calling me a faggot. When I was
10, my homeroom teacher called me a
faggot in front of the entire class because
I said “baking” when we went around the
room and shared our hobbies. One of my
uncles called me a sissy at family gath-
erings. But my parents were surprised
when I came out — despite those Chorus
Line tickets, despite all those faggots and
sissies, and despite the obvious ways I
wasn’t like other boys.
My parents were kind and decent
people. It sounds like yours were too.
My parents didn’t bully me, but they
didn’t help me. I don’t think they could.
Because my parents, like other kind and
decent people at the time, believed the
worst thing you could possibly think
about a person was that they were a
homosexual. My parents didn’t think
— they didn’t let themselves think —
that Liberace was gay. They certainly
couldn’t let themselves think one of
their own children was gay.
Like your parents, my parents crit-
icized my un-boyish behaviors. They
thought they were helping. All they knew
about homosexuality — besides that was
a sin — was that it was something a child
might drift toward and that a boy who
seemed to be drifting in that direction
— a boy who was soft — just needed a
gentle little shove in the right direction.
They pushed me to play sports, which
I hated, and they made their views on
homosexuality clear to me. They believed
these were loving things to do. But each
one of those shoves, however gentle,
opened a wound that left a scar.
I was angry when I came out. I had
been miserable for a long time, and I
thought the reason seemed obvious.
Years later, they would both say they
always knew, deep down. But even if
they had allowed themselves to name
it at the time — even if they could’ve
said it out loud to each other when
I was seven — what could they have
done? Every time I got called a faggot
by another kid or a teacher or a relative,
I denied it and retreated more deeply
into the closet. If my parents had come
to me when I was 13 and in so much
pain and asked me if I was gay — if they
had attempted to initiate a conversation
about it — all I would’ve heard was, “But
you are a faggot, Danny, aren’t you?”
And I would’ve denied it to them and
retreated even further into the closet.
It probably would’ve taken me longer to
come out to myself, much less to them,
if they had asked me if I was gay before
I was ready to tell them myself.
After my husband and I founded
the It Gets Better Project, we returned
to the high school where he had been
bullied. He’d been beaten up, shoved
through plate glass windows, and had
his face ground into the ice and rock
salt in the parking lot. When his parents
complained to the school, the principal
blamed Terry. It was his fault for acting
that way. It meant so much to Terry
when the school’s principal apologized
to him on behalf of the school decades
later. So, I understand why that apol-
ogy meant so much to you and why you
want one from your parents.
I was angry when I came out to mine,
PBO, and we had some “warts and all”
conversations about how alone I felt as a
child. And I could sense the shame they
felt before I came out. That was part
of it, too. Their fear of being judged for
raising a gay kid prevented them from
helping me. But they didn’t know what
they couldn’t know. They were doing
their best in a world before Will & Grace
and Ellen and PFLAG and the It Gets
Better Project. Unlike today’s parents,
our parents couldn’t get online and read
about homosexuality and fi gure out how
to help us. My parents felt awful about
the way they failed me as a kid, as I’m
sure your parents do. But what I saw in
time was that they were set up to fail me.
They weren’t intentionally, maliciously
awful to me, they were just — in this
regard — in no position to help.
Still, if there’s something you need
to say to your parents, you should say
it. If it’s an apology you want them, you
should ask for it. But I would encourage
you to go into that conversation ready to
do what it took me years to do: forgive
them. I was an angry teenager when I
came out to my parents, PBO, but you’re
a grown man. You don’t have to be the
adult in the room, but you need to be
an adult in that room.
My mom and dad got me those tick-
ets to A Chorus Line. They got three
tickets, actually, even though they were
expensive, and my parents didn’t have
a lot of money. They both came with
me to the show. It took me too long to
see that I wasn’t as alone as I thought I
was as a closeted and miserable gay kid.
My parents were there with me. I hope
you feel the same way about your own.
Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question
for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or
record your question for the Savage Lovecast
at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and
more at Savage.Love
January 22, 2026
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