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About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 22, 2026)
mallows (Sidalcea), yarrow (Achillea), Erigeron, Wyethia, Western conefl ower (Rudbeckia), with goldenrod (Solidago) and asters (Symphotrichum) as being two of the highest. The National Wildlife Federation has a comprehensive list for each region of keystone plants if you enter your zip code on their site: NativePlantFinder.nwf.org. Here are some other important things to help with the decline of pollinators in the insect world. 1) Remove invasive plants. They destroy natural habitats. If you have time, volunteer at your local park or neighbor- hood association to help maintain and clear these areas. 2) Find alternatives to herbicides and pesticides and encourage neighbors to adopt spray-free zones. (Note from Kim Kelly: For years, I have used vinegar to kill weeds. Or pull them.) 3) Help reduce light pollution. The bright outdoor night lights kill thousands of moths. Replace your outdoor lights with yellow LED lights. For every butterfl y, there are approximately 14 kinds of moths. They are the work- horses of the Lepidoptera family, producing many cater- pillars that are the primary food source for 90 percent of our songbird fl edglings. The Upper Willamette Soil and Water Conservation District is hosting Tallamay Jan. 23 at Wildish Theater SAVAGE Love I’m a gay man in my 50s, comfort- able in my skin, but I suff ered severe bullying throughout school, which was often abetted by teachers. A recent class reunion prompted me to write a tell-all letter to the current school director regarding that trauma. His gracious response was incredibly healing. My family has accepted me since I came out in my 20s, but they don't know the full extent of my ordeal. While I shared the letter with my supportive brother, I’ve hesitated to show it to my parents, who are in their 70s. They claim ignorance (“We didn't know you were suff ering!” ”You never told us you were gay!”), yet they acknowledged long ago that I was “different” from toddlerhood, and they often criticized my “un-boyish” behavior when I was a child. To give you one concrete example: Some older kids called me a gay slur when I was seven. I asked my mother what it meant. I can still vividly picture her shock and horror. So they knew I was gay but never initiated a conver- sation with me about it, and I was too ashamed to speak up back then. Since writing to the school, I feel an urge to fi nally have a “warts and all” talk with my parents to understand their perspective. Should I open Pandora's box with my elderly parents now, or leave things be for the sake of family peace? What is the best approach to having this conversation? Thank you in advance for your perspective. — Pandora's Box Opener I have three siblings, PBO, two older brothers and a younger sister. When we became teenagers, our parents started to give us experiences for our birthdays instead of toys. When my brother turned 13, he asked for tickets to a Bears game at Soldiers Field; when my other brother turned 13, he asked for tickets to a Cubs support.eugeneweekly.com in Springfi eld. Tallamay is the author of many books, including: Bringing Nature Home, Nature’s Best Hope, The Nature of Oaks, and his latest book, How Can I Help? All of Tallamay’s books off er inspiring and hopeful ideas and information on how to get started in your own yard. If you would like to do more to help pollinators, check out the Habitat Haven backyard certifi cation program run by Barbara Bryson. Bryson reports that a key consideration of the certifi - cation program is the natural food web that evolved over millions of years. Songbirds require native insects to feed their nestlings and those insects eat native plants. Many native bees similarly require (or prefer) native wildfl owers. An estimated 3 billion birds have disappeared from North America in the past 50 years and pollinators are down about 40 percent worldwide. The major culprits are loss of habitat and pesticide use. Replacing (or not planting) lawns and choosing native plants for landscap- ing is an excellent fi rst step toward reversing this decline. As Tallamy says, “If we replaced half of American lawns with native plants, we would create the equivalent of a 20 million acre national park.” The compounding negative impacts to our natural world can feel overwhelming. But a growing number of people in our community are experiencing the joy and satisfaction of helping birds, other wildlife and pollina- tors right in their own yards. The Habitat Haven program, under the auspices of Coast to Cascades Bird Alliance and supported by a grant from Upper Willamette Soil and Water Conservation District, began just 20 months ago and has already enrolled more than 200 households. Habitat Haven is run mostly by knowledgeable volun- teers, who make a site visit with the homeowner, focusing on creating a healthy habitat. A personalized plan follows, and a yard sign is provided to proudly display the inten- tion to help heal nature at home. There is a suggested fee of $35 to $50 for the consult and plan. Restoring habitat in residential yards makes a diff er- ence, and Habitat Haven participants see the results fi rsthand. Many say they are seeing new bee, bird and butterfl y species. The site visits and reports are over- whelmingly appreciated. Comments like: “This was the best thing ever! I’m so excited to get started” are typical. To learn more or to join the Habitat Haven community and to see future events, go to CCBirdAlliance.org/habitat-haven. Cynthia Laff erty owns and runs Doak Creek Native Plant Nursery in Eugene DoakCreekNursery.com. Kim Kelly edits the Garden Palette. Send questions to Gardening@EugeneWeekly.com. The Parent Trap BY DAN SAVAGE game at Wrigley Field. When I turned 13, I asked for tickets to the national tour of A Chorus Line at the Schubert Theater. My parents aren’t much older than yours, PBO, and I was about seven years old — just like you — when other kids started calling me a faggot. When I was 10, my homeroom teacher called me a faggot in front of the entire class because I said “baking” when we went around the room and shared our hobbies. One of my uncles called me a sissy at family gath- erings. But my parents were surprised when I came out — despite those Chorus Line tickets, despite all those faggots and sissies, and despite the obvious ways I wasn’t like other boys. My parents were kind and decent people. It sounds like yours were too. My parents didn’t bully me, but they didn’t help me. I don’t think they could. Because my parents, like other kind and decent people at the time, believed the worst thing you could possibly think about a person was that they were a homosexual. My parents didn’t think — they didn’t let themselves think — that Liberace was gay. They certainly couldn’t let themselves think one of their own children was gay. Like your parents, my parents crit- icized my un-boyish behaviors. They thought they were helping. All they knew about homosexuality — besides that was a sin — was that it was something a child might drift toward and that a boy who seemed to be drifting in that direction — a boy who was soft — just needed a gentle little shove in the right direction. They pushed me to play sports, which I hated, and they made their views on homosexuality clear to me. They believed these were loving things to do. But each one of those shoves, however gentle, opened a wound that left a scar. I was angry when I came out. I had been miserable for a long time, and I thought the reason seemed obvious. Years later, they would both say they always knew, deep down. But even if they had allowed themselves to name it at the time — even if they could’ve said it out loud to each other when I was seven — what could they have done? Every time I got called a faggot by another kid or a teacher or a relative, I denied it and retreated more deeply into the closet. If my parents had come to me when I was 13 and in so much pain and asked me if I was gay — if they had attempted to initiate a conversation about it — all I would’ve heard was, “But you are a faggot, Danny, aren’t you?” And I would’ve denied it to them and retreated even further into the closet. It probably would’ve taken me longer to come out to myself, much less to them, if they had asked me if I was gay before I was ready to tell them myself. After my husband and I founded the It Gets Better Project, we returned to the high school where he had been bullied. He’d been beaten up, shoved through plate glass windows, and had his face ground into the ice and rock salt in the parking lot. When his parents complained to the school, the principal blamed Terry. It was his fault for acting that way. It meant so much to Terry when the school’s principal apologized to him on behalf of the school decades later. So, I understand why that apol- ogy meant so much to you and why you want one from your parents. I was angry when I came out to mine, PBO, and we had some “warts and all” conversations about how alone I felt as a child. And I could sense the shame they felt before I came out. That was part of it, too. Their fear of being judged for raising a gay kid prevented them from helping me. But they didn’t know what they couldn’t know. They were doing their best in a world before Will & Grace and Ellen and PFLAG and the It Gets Better Project. Unlike today’s parents, our parents couldn’t get online and read about homosexuality and fi gure out how to help us. My parents felt awful about the way they failed me as a kid, as I’m sure your parents do. But what I saw in time was that they were set up to fail me. They weren’t intentionally, maliciously awful to me, they were just — in this regard — in no position to help. Still, if there’s something you need to say to your parents, you should say it. If it’s an apology you want them, you should ask for it. But I would encourage you to go into that conversation ready to do what it took me years to do: forgive them. I was an angry teenager when I came out to my parents, PBO, but you’re a grown man. You don’t have to be the adult in the room, but you need to be an adult in that room. My mom and dad got me those tick- ets to A Chorus Line. They got three tickets, actually, even though they were expensive, and my parents didn’t have a lot of money. They both came with me to the show. It took me too long to see that I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was as a closeted and miserable gay kid. My parents were there with me. I hope you feel the same way about your own. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love January 22, 2026 13
