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BY DAN SAVAGE
I’m a straight white woman in my early 30s. In theory, I’ve always been into men of all
races—but in practice, most of my exes are Latino and white. In September, I met this
really handsome Chinese American guy, and I feel like he rewired me. I’ve been exclu-
sively attracted to Asian guys since. I’m not writing to ask if this is racist, because I’m
not asking these guys to, like, speak Korean to me in bed or do any role-playing stuff.
We just date and have sex, same as my past relationships. But if any of these dudes
saw my Tinder matches, they’d be like, “This woman has a thing for Asian guys.” Which
I do, but it’s pretty new. Is this normal? Do people just change preferences like that?
Also, can you do a PSA about Asian dicks? In my recent but considerable experience,
they run the gamut from average to gigantic. If small Asian dicks were a thing, I would
have encountered at least one by now. That shit is a myth.
— Asian Male/White Female
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Here’s my general take on race-specific sexual preferences: So long as you can see and
treat your sex partners as individuals and not just as objects—we are all also objects—and
so long as you can express your preferences without coming across and/or being a racist
shitbag, and so long as you’ve interrogated your preferences to make sure they’re actually
yours and not a mindless desire for what you’ve been told you’re supposed to want (i.e., the
currently prevailing beauty standard or its equally mindless rejection, the “transgressive”
fetishization of the “other”), then it’s okay to seek out sex and/or romantic partners of a
particular race.
I ran my general take on race-specific sexual preferences past Joel Kim Booster—a writ-
er and comedian whose work often touches on race and desire—and he approved. (Whew.) I
also shared your letter with him, AMWF, and Booster had some thoughts for you.
“It doesn’t sound like her newfound preference for Asian men has anything to do with the
uncomfortable fetishization of culture,” said Booster. “It’s good that she’s not asking them to
speak Korean or do any sort of Asian role-playing—something that’s been asked of me before
(and it’s a bummer, trust). Her interest in Asian men seems to be mostly an aesthetic thing,
which you certainly can’t fault her for: There are a lot of hot Asian dudes out there.”
Booster also had some questions for you.
“It’s not uncommon for people later in life to discover that they’re attracted to something
they’d never considered sexy before—full-grown adults are out here discovering they’re bi
every damn day,” said Booster. “But she went 30 years before she saw one Asian man she
was attracted to? And now this guy has ‘rewired’ her to be attracted only to Asian men?”
He said that he would like to see a picture of this magical guy, AMWF, and I would, too.
“If she was chill about it and just started adding Asian men into the mix, this wouldn’t
seem like an issue,” added Booster. “But from what I can gather, she has shifted to exclusively
fucking Asian guys and feels the need to write a letter about it. That feels like a red flag, and
yet I can’t pinpoint why.”
Maybe you’re just making up for lost time—maybe you’re getting with all the Asian dick
you can now to make up for all the Asian dick you missed out on before you ran into that one
impossibly hot Asian guy—and your desires/preferences/Tinder profile will achieve a racially
harmonious equilibrium at a certain point. But whether you remain exclusively attracted to
Asian guys for the rest of your life or not, AMWF, make sure you don’t treat Asian guys like
you’re doing them a favor by sitting on their gamut-running dicks.
“I’m weary of people with a specific racial preference for Asian men. And it’s less out
of a fear of being fetishized—though that’s certainly part of it—and more because of the
implicit power imbalance that exists in those relationships,” said Booster. “It’s all artificially
constructed by The Culture, of course, but I’m acutely aware that society views Asian men as
less masculine and therefore less desirable. And I’ve learned that guys who have a preference
for Asian men sometimes bring a certain kind of ‘entitlement’ to our interactions, i.e., ‘You
should feel lucky I’m paying you this kind of attention.’ And that’s gross! It doesn’t sound like
she’s doing that, but something about this letter makes me feel like she wants to be congrat-
ulated for being woke enough to consider Asian guys. She’d do well to keep this stuff behind
the curtain—no one wants to feel like someone was into them only because of some witch’s
curse a hot Chinese American guy put on them at a bar.”
Follow Joel on Twitter @ihatejoelkim, and visit his website ihatejoelkim.com.
I’m a guy. I’ve been with my wife since 2006. She’s my sexy Asian babe. (Yeah, I’m that
white guy who married an Asian woman—I’m a stereotype, but she isn’t.) In the bed-
room, it’s great. I’m still madly in love with her two kids later, and she’s as sexy as ever.
But she doesn’t like to give blowjobs—always been this way. When we were dating, she’d
say I could go get blowjobs from someone else, but I always took it as a joke. At 35,
I’m hornier than I was at 25. And my sexual tastes have changed over the years—or
they’ve expanded, maybe, since I now want to see what it’s like to get head from a guy.
How do I convince my wife to agree to this? She’s afraid I might like it; I obviously hope I
do. There’s nothing I want more than to get head on the way home and then be able to
tell her about it and fuck her later that night. How can I convince her to let me do this
while also being able to tell her about it and be truthful?
— Horny Married Man
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I’m not lumping your question together with AMWF’s in order to create some sort of hot-
for-Asians-themed column. No, I’m including your letter—which arrived the same day—be-
cause it illustrates a point Booster made in his response to AMWF: “Full-grown adults are out
here discovering they’re bi every damn day,” as he said, and you’re apparently one of them.
I can only assume that by “she’s afraid I might like it,” you mean you’ve already asked the
wife and she said no. You can ask again—maybe she’ll change her mind—but if the answer is
still no, HMM, then the answer is still no. Maybe if this were a sexual adventure you could go
on together, it might be more appealing to the wife. And it is, because just as there are dudes
out there who love blowing straight married men, there are dudes who are up for blowing
straight married men in front of their wives. So if you haven’t already proposed doing this in
the context of a hot sexual encounter with a bi guy who’d also be into your wife, maybe you
should.
As for your label, there are straight guys out there who can close their eyes and think
about women while dudes blow them, i.e., straight guys capable of making the mouth-is-a-
mouth leap. But you’re turned on not just by the idea of getting an enthusiastic blowjob,
you’re specifically into the idea of getting one from a dude. That does make you bi, HMM, but
for marketing purposes? Yeah, you’re going to want to go with straight.
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