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Hours: Fri-Tu 11am-6pm • Closed Wednesday & Thursday
BY DAN SAVAGE
LOVE
I am a 22-year-old Italian man, 100 percent straight, sensitive and sporty. I have been reading
Savage Love for years in Internazionale. I have one question for you: Why do I always fall in love
with lesbians? Why do I instantly fall in love with girls who have that something more in their eyes?
Something melancholy and perhaps insecure? Girls whom I’d rather protect and embrace than take
to bed? The last three girls who fit this description all turned out to be lesbians. The last girl with
whom this happened told me it was my “Red Cross” mind-set that made me fall in love with girls who
are insecure/sad/melancholy, so I have a sort of selection bias that excludes most straight girls I
meet. I do not believe this, because the world is full of straight girls who need saving. So why then,
Dan? WHY? I have a girlfriend. I truly love her. Since September, we have been living in two different
cities because she went away to study. I am afraid that one day she is going to tell me she’s gay too.
She always talks with me about a new super-cute female friend. Is she a lesbian? I have recently
met another girl, super empathetic. She is gay, and I knew it after an all-night conversation in my
car listening to Cigarettes After Sex. Why do I always fall in love with gay girls? Can I love two people
at the same time? This is the fourth time that this has happened. Is my girlfriend gay? Why do I find
lesbians so attractive? I’m freaking.
Increasingly Tormented About Lesbian Yearnings
There’s a lot going on in your letter, ITALY, so I’m going to take your questions one at a time…
1. Maybe you always fall in love with lesbians or maybe this was a series of coincidences—by pure
chance you fell for more than one woman who turned out to be a lesbian—and, hey, since you’re probably
going to love a few more women over the course of your life, ITALY, that “always” seems a bit premature.
It’s also possible you find women with a certain degree of masculine energy and/or swagger attractive,
and women with that swagger are somewhat likelier to be lesbians, slightly upping your chances of falling
in love with four girls-who-turned-out-to-be-lesbians in a row.
Personally, ITALY, I’m attracted to guys with a certain degree of feminine swagger and, needless to
say, these guys are likelier to be gay. But while almost all effeminate guys are gay—so stigmatized is
femininity in males (even in the gay community)—masculine swagger in women is less stigmatized and
therefore somewhat less likely to correlate as strongly with lesbianism. Women with masculine swagger
and men with feminine swagger are also likely to be self-conscious about their gender-nonconforming
traits, particularly when they’re young and/or not yet out, and that can read as melancholy and/or inse-
curity.
2. Women—straight or bi or lesbian—don’t need “saving.” They need respect, they need to be taken
seriously, they need bodily autonomy, and they need loving partners and political allies.
3. Your girlfriend may be a lesbian—anyone could in these highly fluid days, even me. But if your
girlfriend isn’t straight, ITALY, she’s likelier to be bisexual, seeing as there are roughly three times as many
bi women as there are lesbian women. And if she seems gayer now than when you met, that could be
because you landed a straight girl who had been suppressing her masculine swagger—which many men
don’t find attractive—and she’s consciously or subconsciously come to the realization that she doesn’t
have to play the girly girl around you to hold your attention. Quite the opposite, in fact.
4. It’s entirely possible to love more than one person at a time. Just as we are capable of loving more
than one parent, child, sibling, friend, and television show at a time (you know I love you both equally,
Lady Dynamite and The Crown), we can love more than one romantic partner at a time. But we’re told that
romantic love is a zero-sum game so often—if someone wins, someone else loses—it has become a
self-fulfilling/relationship-destroying prophecy. It’s a myth that harms not just people who might want to
be with two people, but partnered monogamous people as well. A person who is convinced he can feel ro-
mantic love for only one person at a time will doubt his love for a long-term partner if he develops a crush
on someone new. He’ll say to himself, “I couldn’t possibly feel this way about this barista if I was still in
love with my partner of 10 years.” But those feelings can exist side by side—stable, secure, lasting love
for a long-term partner and an intense infatuation (most likely fleeting) for a new person.
5. Cigarettes After Sex were on a boat in the Arabian Sea—they sent the pics to prove it—when I
reached them about your dilemma. Drummer Jacob Tomsky said: “About loving more than one person
at the same time, a Gabriel García Márquez quote from Love in the Time of Cholera comes to mind: ‘My
heart has more rooms than a whorehouse.’ Your heart will surprise you with its duplicity.” Or its capacity.
Keyboardist Phillip Tubbs wanted to share a Morrissey line with you: “’Cause I want the one I can’t have
and it’s driving me mad.” Lead singer Greg Gonzalez declined to comment.
6. Maybe it’s not an accident that you keep falling for lesbians. There are lots of straight men out there
who have a thing for dykes. It’s entirely possible that you aren’t worried your girlfriend is a lesbian, ITALY,
but secretly hoping she is. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have had an open relationship from fair-
ly early on, but it’s only in the last six months that he’s started using various gentlemen’s apps for
meeting new guys. We don’t share apps or have threesomes; our dalliances are solo affairs and that
works for us. I snuck a look at his phone and I was horrified—the dick pics he’s sharing are terrible.
Poorly lit and with bad angles, they completely do not do justice to his cock. His face pics are great,
but I really feel like he’s underselling what else he has to offer. How can I help him take better junk
shots without revealing that I’ve been looking at his phone?
Doesn’t Instinctively Capture Photographic Instant Classics, Sadly
You could tell your boyfriend you made a joint appointment with a photographer—perhaps as a Ha-
nukkah/Solstice/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan present—because you thought you should both have
Sears-Portrait-Studio-quality-or-better dick pics to share with your prospective hookups, DICPICS, or you
could let your boyfriend’s hookups be pleasantly surprised when your boyfriend drops his drawers.
PET OF THE WEEK!
541-689-1503
www.green-hill.org
88530 Green Hill Rd
SAVAGE
LOVING LESBIANS
Hello Eugene, my name is
Dumbledore! We at S.A.R.A. would
like to wish you all a safe, happy
Mew Year! Thank you for all your
support this year, you have helped
us to save the lives of abandoned
animals in Lane County. The end
of the year is quickly approaching,
and there is still time to send your
tax deductible support to help
more rescued cats, like me, ready to
be adopted at S.A.R.A.’s Treasures. We accept secure donations
online at sarastreasures.org, stop on by the shop during business
hours, or mail your support to PO Box 41462 Eugene, OR97404.
871 River Road • 607-8892 • Open Everyday 10-6
www.sarastreasures.org
Are you really whining about having a president you don’t like in office? Is that so terrible that
you have to get little digs in every week? That’s the problem with you liberals—you’re a bunch of
wimps. Man up, dude.
Make America Strong Again
Gee, I don’t recall any whining from you right-wing he-men back when a black guy who didn’t collude
with a hostile foreign power and wasn’t poisoning our air and water and didn’t undermine our Democratic
norms and wasn’t surrounded by a cadre of deeply corrupt sycophants was president—you guys were so
stoic during the Obama years, so he-manly. You ova’d up, you didn’t whine or moan, you didn’t spread wild
conspiracy theories or march on Washington waving signs that proved you were every bit as misinformed
as you are illiterate. (Wake up, dude.)
Give the gift of the magnum Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com!
MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM
eugeneweekly.com • December 28, 2017
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