Feeling Hopless
Beer for those of us who hate bitterness
I
had my first sip of beer around the age of 14. I
curiously asked my dad for a taste of his IPA. He
raised an eyebrow, handed me the bottle, and I
cautiously took a sip.
The bitter hoppiness of it deterred me from beer,
and alcohol itself, for a few more years.
In college I gave beer another try, but the crappy canned
Oakshire Baltic Porter, 35
IBU, 7.8 percent alcohol by
volume (ABV), Eugene
This porter isn’t your typical
porter. Though I liked it quite a
bit, several other tasters dis-
agreed entirely. It’s creamy,
with a bittersweet finish that
might make you question your
position on hops. It’s surpris-
ingly light and smoky for a
porter, and makes for good
summer drinking.
I
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Keystone Lights didn’t do much for me either. Why did
beer either taste like piss-water or spinach?
Of course, hops are one of the four key ingredients in
beer, the others being malt, water and yeast. Without all
hops, beer would be some other, much more pointless
drink. I’m not talking about all hops, but about the bitter
flavors that hops can induce in beer, often categorized as
pFriem Pilsner, 38 IBU, 4.9
percent ABV, Hood River
The pFriem Pilsner came
recommended by a number of
beer lovers, but I found it
underwhelming. Though it’s
very drinkable, it’s nothing spe-
cial. I would compare it to a
Heineken or a Corona, though
it has a handsome German-
inspired label. For your money,
you can find better flavor in an
ale or Kölsch.
f none of these tasty taps are available at your bar,
here are some tips on how to avoid the bitterest of
brews:
• Check the IBU if it’s available. This is a
great marker that more bars and breweries
should publicize. Stay under 40 or 50 IBU if
hoppy isn’t your thing.
• Ales, hefeweizens, saisons and lagers are generally
pretty trustworthy, though ales often lack other exciting
flavors. Generally if the word “cream” is in the name of
the beer, it’s not too bitter.
By Kelly Kenoyer
Claim 52 Kölsch, 15 IBU,
5.2 percent ABV, Eugene
This Kölsch is a crowd
pleaser — the perfect thing to
bring to a barbeque or hangout
by the river. This German-style
pale ale is cheap for a micro-
brew but doesn’t taste cheap.
It’s a perfectly balanced light-
colored beer for any occasion.
“hoppiness.”
It took me until my 20s to realize that there was a whole
world of beer that was flavorful and affecting without being
pointlessly bitter. I still get teased occasionally about my
distaste for that bitter flavor by my masochistic hipster
friends who love to drink liquid suffering, but I’ve found
that there’s plenty of quality suds in the region if you look
hard enough.
Now the first thing I look for on drink menus is a little
number dictating IBU — international bittering units. I try
to avoid drinking anything over 40 IBU for the sake of my
sanity.
If you’re looking for un-bitter beer in the perilous
Pacific Northwest, let me be your guide.
Rogue Hazelnut Brown
Nectar, 33 IBU, 5.6 percent
ABV, Ashland
This brown is one of my
favorite beers of all time.
Smooth and malty with an
aroma of hazelnut, it’s light for
a brown and makes for the per-
fect tallboy to bring to a party.
There’s a delicate, authentic
aftertaste of hazelnut, and the
creamy flavor makes this feel
like the perfect beer companion
to a rainy day and a novel.
• Don’t be afraid to try browns, stouts, reds and sours!
These are often more flavorful than the lighter beers list-
ed above, and sours have fascinating flavor profiles that
I’ve come to love.
Reds are often delightful, though you should ask for a
taster because they can often be slightly bitter. Stouts are
flavorful, dark beers perfect in winter. Similar to reds,
they’re not always to be trusted, but they make some of
my favorites. Try the Obsidian Stout from Deschutes
Brewery for a great example. Others swear by the
Ninkasi Vanilla Oatis stout.
Sam Bond’s Filbert Brown
Ale, 23 IBU, 4.9 percent
ABV, Eugene
Another hazelnut flavored
brown, this one has a nice choco-
late-y flavor with spiced notes. I
thought I got a whiff of cloves or
nutmeg, but it’s hard to say. This
one isn’t as balanced as the
Rogue brown — it’s a little
heavy on the caramel flavors and
might be trying just a bit too
hard. But I’d certainly drink it on
tap at any bar if I were feeling up
to something hip and trendy.
• If it’s an IPA from a Northwest brewery, I wouldn’t
bother. The PNW is known for overhopping its beer, and
IPAs usually bear the brunt of that pain. Cringing through
a bitter brew is not a good way to impress that good look-
ing hipster hovering by the bar. Luckily, those same micro-
breweries often have plenty of other options for those of us
who love drinking booze that actually tastes good.
Best of all, ask your bartender! They’ll know the tap
list better than anyone, and if you tell them you hate hop-
piness they’ll help you out. Don’t forget to tip, and happy
drinking!
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