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LOVE
VIRGIN TERRITORY
BY DAN SAVAGE
I’m almost 30 and I’m a virgin. I’m an overweight, straight-ish guy (I’m attracted to a few men,
but those cases are exceedingly rare). I’ve also gone through an absolute hell life thus far, losing a
testicle to cancer and having an abusive father who threatened a teenage me into celibacy by in-
voking the phrase “penile lobotomy” should I have sex with any girlfriends. I’ve barely dated in 10
years, and while I’m free from my father and the aforementioned mortal dick terror, I’m also INCRED-
IBLY scared about putting myself out there. I’m disabled, I’m not conventionally attractive by most
standards, my whole zone down there is scarred up from surgeries, and, to top it all off, I’m on the
small side. The last time I had the opportunity for sex, I went for it, but I was so terrified that I couldn’t
keep it up. The woman I was with said something to the effect of “Well, I can’t do anything with that,
now can I?” after which I asked her to leave because, seriously, that’s kind of an asshole thing to
say. I’m notionally on Tinder and Bumble, but I really don’t know what I’m doing—and more often
than not, I feel like the right thing for any theoretical partners would be for me to just stay in hiding
and not inflict my grotesque presence on them. I’m scared of another humiliation, as that’s most
definitely not my kink, and I’m at an age where my complete lack of experience and physical defor-
mity are (I would have to imagine) major issues for anyone I might encounter. I truly want romance,
sexuality, and companionship in my life. I haven’t fought through poverty, disability, physical and
emotional abuse, and my genitalia trying to kill me to stay entombed in my office alone and unloved.
I just do not know where to even begin.
The Virgin Who’s Been Fucked A Whole Lot Just Never In The Good Way
Off the top of my head…
Hire a sex worker. It will allow you to separate your anxieties about finding romance and companion-
ship from your anxieties about being sexually inexperienced. A kind, indulgent, competent sex worker
can relieve you of your virginity and help restore—or instill—confidence in your dick’s ability to get and
stay hard in the presence of another human being. Be totally honest about your inexperience and your
concerns. If you get the sense during negotiations—which should be brief and to the point—that the
woman you’re talking to is impatient or uncaring, thank her for her time and start over. There are kind,
caring, compassionate sex workers out there. Presumably you’ve got a computer in your office, TVWB-
FAWLJNITGW. Use it to find one.
Get out of the house. Go places, do things—as much as your disability and budget allow. Even if you
have to go alone, go. Even if the things you want to do are unlikely to put you in front of many/any women,
do those things. You’re likelier to meet someone if you’re out of the house and moving through the world.
Even if you don’t meet someone right away, you’ll feel less isolated and less alone. Even if you never meet
someone (I’m not sugarcoating things—some people don’t), going places and doing things means you’ll
have a rich and full and active life regardless.
You’re not alone. Okay, you’re alone—but you’re not alone alone. Meaning, there are women (and
men) out there who feel just as paralyzed as you do—because they’re 30-year-old-or-older virgins, be-
cause they’re not conventionally attractive, because their first/only sexual experiences were just as hu-
miliating, because they had traumatic childhoods and bear emotional scars. You want a woman to come
into your life who is patient and accepting and kind and willing to look past your disability and your inex-
perience and your difficult history. Be patient, accepting, kind, and similarly willing.
Get over those scars. I had a boyfriend a long time ago who had significant scarring on his balls and
taint. He was a farm boy (sigh), and he fell on a piece of farm machinery and wound up straddling a
scalding-hot pipe. I don’t know how that worked exactly, because I don’t know from farm machinery, but
the pipe burned through his jeans and left third-degree burns on his balls, taint, and upper-upper thigh.
Ten years later, we started going out—and guess what? I didn’t notice his scars. And not for want of oppor-
tunity: He was my first serious boyfriend, and I spent the better part of three months with my face in his
crotch. The scars that were so obvious to him and left him feeling self-conscious about his genitals? They
were invisible to me until he needlessly apologized for them. Genitals are a jumble of flesh and folds and
hairs and colors and bits and pieces and sometimes scars, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. If you’re worried your scar-
ring is noticeable, mention that you’re a cancer survivor and lost a ball but gained a sick (as in cool) scar.
Good luck, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. We’re rooting for you.
WE ARE
Your a faggot.
expert,
confidential
care.
Women Obsess Real Men
Your new here, WORM, aren’t you?
•
Pregnancy
testing
I’m a straight woman, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about eight months. We have a won-
• Birth control
derful
relationship and amazing sex. There’s one thing he does in the bedroom, however, that I find
• STD testing
off-putting
and I was
hoping you might be able to provide some insight. About 25 percent of the time
and
treatment
after he
ejaculates, he briefly licks some of his come off his fingers. This kind of creeps me out. I’ve
been • Emergency
with more than a few dudes, so I obviously understand that a woman eating their come is a
common
turn-on, but this is my first experience with this particular incarnation. At first I was worried
contraceptives
my aversion
might be rooted in some deeply buried homophobic beliefs, but we’ve discussed the
• Annual wellness
idea of exams
me pegging him, and that I can get behind. I think it’s more that this smacks of a certain ego-
tism I find frivolous. Like, I wouldn’t go around shoving my fingers inside my pussy and rubbing the
results all over my face. Typically we’re able to discuss any kind of conflict or confusion that arises
between us, but this one seems tough to broach for me. Three questions: How common is this? Do I
need to just get over it or should I try to talk to him about it? Would most guys suck their own dick if
they were able?
Yearning Understanding Concerning Kink
1. It’s not common, YUCK, but it’s not unheard of, either. Maybe your boyfriend grew up with sex-pho-
bic parents who blew up at the sight of a crusty sock—so he opted to destroy the evidence by eating it
and developed a taste for it. Maybe he thinks his semen contains powerful woo-hoo-y masculine energy
and wishes to retain some of it. Maybe he had a girlfriend who thought it was hot to see him eat his come
and he (wrongly) assumes it’s a turn-on for you, too.
2. Yes, you need to get over it and, yes, you should ask him about it. The former almost certainly
requires the latter.
3. Every man on earth tries, a select few succeed, and we all would if we could. Even my new friend
WORM.
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On the Lovecast, advice from a dominatrix on kinky parties: savagelovecast.com.
ITMFA.org
MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM
eugeneweekly.com • June 15, 2017
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