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LOVE
BY DAN SAVAGE
I hate how my boyfriend has sex with me. He is 40 years old. It used to be fine, but a year ago he
started adding new moves he obviously got from porn: smacking my pussy with an open palm, vigorous-
ly rubbing my clit, wrapping his hands around my neck. I’m not anti-porn; what bothers me is that even
though I told him these moves don’t feel good on my body and hurt me, he doesn’t care. I’ve told him that
it is painful when he slaps and manhandles my clit, and he responds that he likes it and I should feel
happy that he still wants to fuck me six times a week. It’s not that I don’t want him to enjoy himself, but I
don’t feel like his enjoyment should come at the price of mine. I don’t know how to get him to listen to me.
Porn Lessons Erasing All Sexual Energy
Your boyfriend listened to you, PLEASE. You told him you don’t like his porny new moves; he told you he
likes them and intends to keep doing them. So this isn’t about listening—it’s about caring. Your boyfriend is
hurting you and “he doesn’t care.” Dump the motherfucker already.
And while you’re not anti-porn, PLEASE, and I’m certainly not anti-porn, it would appear that porn—the
default sex education for too many people, young and old—is part of the problem.
“The porn industry, like every other area of popular culture, is dominated by a closed loop of white guys
talking to white guys about other white guys,” said Cindy Gallop, legendary advertising executive, consultant,
and public speaker. “The most easily accessed mainstream straight porn is all about the man, with zero em-
pathy for the female experience, taken to ludicrous (and for the woman, painful) extremes.”
Like you and me, PLEASE, Gallop is not anti-porn. But she’s fighting shitty porn—and the shitty expecta-
tions it can instill—with real-life contrast via her innovative #realworldsex site/platform MakeLoveNotPorn.
com.
“It’s a social sex-video-sharing platform designed to be a counterpoint to the porn industry while pro-
moting good sexual values and behavior,” said Gallop. “We need to be able to view great #realworldsex in all
its messy, funny, beautiful, silly, wonderful, ridiculous humanness in the same medium that we view porn:
online. That’s why MakeLoveNotPorn.com exists. We’re pro-sex, pro-porn, and pro-knowing the difference.”
Gallop wants not only to balance out porn with socially shared #realworldsex, but to see the porn mar-
ket flooded with porn made by women—which doesn’t mean porn made “for” women, she points out, but
more disruptive, creative porn for everyone. “Seeing more innovative porn—porn that men would find just as
hot—would result in everybody having a much better time in bed,” said Gallop. “Men need to see there is no
bigger turn-on than being in bed with someone who you know is having an absolutely fabulous time because
of you.”
Unfortunately, PLEASE, you’re having an absolutely miserable time because of him.
“PLEASE’s boyfriend is operating in his own closed loop,” said Gallop, “the belief that sexual gratification is
all about him. He has no idea what sexual gratification really could be. She needs to leave him.”
You can find Cindy Gallop’s viral Ted Talk and a documentary about Make Love Not Porn at ifundwomen.
com/projects/makelovenotporn. Follow her on Twitter @CindyGallop.
I’m 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend (also 28) for three years. Our relationship is mo-
nogamous and vanilla. I’m a pretty sexual person: I’ve been to bondage clubs and burlesque shows, and
I’ve had my fair share of sexual encounters with men and women. I like to dominate and be dominated.
However, my boyfriend is non-aggressive, non-dominating, and non-initiating. I ALWAYS have to initiate
and I’m ALWAYS in the driver’s seat. I’m tired of this. I enjoy strong masculine energy! I’m a feminist, but
sometimes in the bedroom it can be incredibly hot to feel like a sex object. We’ve talked and talked, and
tried some light bondage (he didn’t like it), and talked about a threesome (he’s opposed). He says sex
just isn’t something he “thinks about a lot.” How do I get him to show some sexual aggression?
Wants Him Aggressive More
Keep reading, WHAM.
My husband of 17 years has never been into sex—which I always knew was a problem, but the other
stuff was good. He’s into pornography, though, and I’ve busted him many times. To say I am resentful is
an understatement. He uses corn oil for masturbating, and I’ve been reduced to marking the bottle and
booby-trapping it to see if he’s been up to his tricks. We have two children, so that’s what keeps me from
“pulling the trigger.”
Gagging In Chicago
GIC: You have three options.
1. Pull the trigger.
2. Redefine your marriage as companionate—it’s about child-rearing and family life, not about sex. If your
husband is free to find fulfillment in the bottle (of corn oil), and you’re free to find fulfillment in the bedroom
(of another man/men), maybe you can make it work.
3. Continue with what you’re doing now—your husband sneaking off to have a wank, and you monitoring
(and booby-trapping?!?) every bottle of corn oil that comes into the house.
WHAM: Your boyfriend isn’t going to become someone else—he’s not going to suddenly become more
interested in sex or more sexually aggressive—so if you don’t want to be sending me a letter like GIC’s in 14
years, end this relationship. People who want healthy, functional, monogamous LTRs—free from booby traps
and busts—need to prioritize sexual compatibility at the start. That doesn’t mean things can’t go off the rails
later (see the first letter), but they’re less likely to.
I desperately wanted to be GGG in my past relationship. My partner chronically complained that I
wasn’t giving him enough sex. I felt so guilty that I put up with some very coercive situations. I became
an orgasm dispenser for a dumbass whose beard prickled my clit painfully, who complained my G-spot
moved around, and who fell asleep fingering me. I put up with his shit for far too long. It would have been
helpful to be told that GGG needs to be MUTUAL and feel good for both parties.
Sassy Unconquered Babe
GGG—good in bed, giving of pleasure, and game for anything within reason—is what we should be for our
partners and our partners should be for us. So it absolutely needs to be mutual, SUB, and there are definitely
limits.
“Being GGG means considering a partner’s reasonable sexual requests,” I responded to a reader who
asked for a GGG clarification back when we had a brand-new and completely sane president. “Not all sexual
requests can be fulfilled, and not all needs can be met. But two people who want to make their relationship
work need to carve out a mutually satisfying repertoire that doesn’t leave anyone feeling frustrated or used.
Does everyone get everything they want? Of course not. But each of us has a right to ask for our needs to be
met (without being abusive or coercive) and the responsibility to indulge our partner’s reasonable requests
if we can (without being abused or coerced). We should also recognize when the gulf is too great and end the
relationship rather than engaging in sex acts that leave us feeling diminished and dehumanized.”
On the Lovecast, can alcohol make you gay for a night?
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MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM
eugeneweekly.com • June 8, 2017
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