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LOVE
TRAPS AND
TRIGGERS
BY DAN SAVAGE
My husband is nearly 20 years older than me, which was never an issue early in our relation-
ship. However, for approximately the last eight years, we have not been able to have fulfilling sex
because my husband can’t keep an erection for more than a few thrusts. I love my husband and I am
committed to our family, but I miss full PIV sex. I’m still fairly young and I enjoy sex, but I feel like I
am mourning the death of my sex life. I miss the intimate connection and powerful feeling of sex with
a man. My husband tries to please me, but oral sex is just okay and toys don’t have the same effect.
We have tried Viagra a few times, but it gave him a terrible headache. I try to brush it off because I
don’t want to embarrass him. I am curious about casual relationships, but I fear they wouldn’t stay
casual. Also, I would feel guilty being with another man even though my husband said I could do it
one time. On one hand, I feel like I should be able to have a fulfilling sex life. But on the other hand, I
don’t want to be a cheater.
Now On To Having Awkwardly Realistic Discussions
It’s not cheating if you have your husband’s permission, NOTHARD, but fucking another man could still
blow up your marriage—even if you manage to keep it casual.
Story time: I knew this straight couple. They were good together, they loved each other, and they had a
strong sexual connection. (Spoiler alert: my use of the past tense.) The woman was all about monogamy,
but her boyfriend had always wanted to have a threesome. She didn’t want to be the reason he never got
to do something he’d been fantasizing about since age 13, so she told her boyfriend that if the opportu-
nity ever presented itself, he could go for it. So long as the sex was safe and he was honest with her, he
could have a threesome one time.
The opportunity presented itself, the sex was safe, he was honest—and my friend spent a week ric-
ocheting between devastated and furious before finally dumping her devastated and flummoxed boy-
friend. During a drunken postmortem, my friend told me she wanted her boyfriend to be able to do it but
didn’t want him to actually do it. She didn’t want to be the reason he couldn’t; she wanted to be the reason
he didn’t. So her permission to have a threesome “one time” was a test (one he didn’t know he was taking)
and a trap (one he couldn’t escape from). I urged my friend to take her boyfriend back—if he would have
her—but he’d touched another woman with the tip of his penis (two women, actually), which meant he
expert,
didn’t love her the way she thought he did, the way she deserved to be loved, etc., and consequently he
confidential
couldn’t be allowed to touch her with the tip of his penis ever again.
care.
Back to you, NOTHARD: My first reaction to your letter was “You’ve got your husband’s okay to fuck
some • Pregnancy
other dude—go for it.” Then I reread your letter and thought, “Wait, this could be a test and a trap.”
testing
You say
you’ve brushed off the issue to spare your husband’s feelings, but he may sense it’s an issue
and, • consciously
or subconsciously, this is his way of finding out. If you take him up on his offer “one
Birth control
time,” and you make the mistake of being honest with him about it, he may be just as devastated as my
• STD testing and
friend treatment
was.
So don’t take your husband up on his offer—not yet. Have a few more conversations about your sex
• Emergency
life instead
and address nonmonogamy/openness generally, not nonmonogamy/openness as a work-
contraceptives
around
for his dick. There may be some solo adventures he’d like to have, there may be invigorating new
• Annual
wellness
sexual
adventures
you could enjoy as a couple (maybe he’d love to go down on two women at once?),
exams
or he may
rescind or restate his offer to let you fuck some other dude one time. Get clarity—crystal clar-
ity—before proceeding.
Finally, NOTHARD, there are other erectile dysfunction drugs out there, drugs that may not have the
same side effects for your husband. And low to very low doses of Viagra—doses less likely to induce a
headache—are effective for some men. Good luck.
WE ARE
Partner and I adopted a 2.5-year-old mutt a month ago. We are also trying to get pregnant and are
having sex every day for 15-day stretches a month. Dog does NOT like being shut out—we love dog
but do not love the idea of him being in the room. Should we get over it? Should dog get over it? What
is dog/human sexual privacy etiquette?
Don’t Oversee Getting It On
I’m not into pups, human or otherwise, but I live with two actual dogs and, man, if those dogs could
talk. Some dogs loudly object to their owners fucking, others don’t. If your dog barks when you’re fucking,
I can see why you’d want to keep him out of the room. But if he just wants to curl up in a corner and lick his
ass for a minute before dozing off, what’s the big deal?
I am a 30-year-old woman with some sexual hang-ups I’d like to get past for the sake of my hus-
band. When I was 14, I was in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t nice to me. One particular incident
sticks in my mind: He pulled my hair and tried to force my head down while I was saying no and trying
to get away. He shoved me and called me a prude. Another time, he convinced me to let him go down
on me (I finally agreed) but then bit me. I eventually broke up with him after spending too much time
putting up with the crap. For a long time, I hated oral sex and freaked out at any sexual interaction.
I had a great college boyfriend who always asked “Is this okay?” and was generally very attuned
to any “no” signals I gave, which was a turn-on for me. I got over my past crappy experiences. My
husband is all about what gives us both pleasure, but he has always been up-front about being inter-
ested in some (tame) kinky stuff. I am still turned on by “Is this okay?” and eye contact during sex,
but any time we try to do anything even a little off the wall—me tied up, blindfolds, etc.—my ears
start ringing and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m trying to find a way to spice things up and fulfill my
husband’s desires, and I cannot find a way around it. How do we move past “just” vanilla?
Reconsidering Otherwise Unlikely GGG Habits
If your shitty early teenage sexual experiences—if those violations and sexual assaults—are still
affecting you 16 years later, ROUGH, that suggests PTSD. Getting past this will be gradual, it may require
therapy—counseling, a support group, a shrink.
While you’re getting help, ROUGH, you and your partner can explore some mild non-vanilla moves.
Mindful breathing, like the kids are into these days, may help, and so will incorporating some soothing
sensory input, e.g., soft lighting, calming music, scented something-or-other if you enjoy scented some-
things. And whatever your husband is doing—whatever you two are doing together—he can and should
ask “Is this okay?” at every step. It turns you on and it makes you feel safe. You need to feel safe and in
control. Slowly, slowly, slowly you may be able to advance to more aggressive play. It’s possible, howev-
er, that rough sex might be permanently off the table for you, ROUGH, and that’s not something you should
feel guilty about. There are other ways to spice up your sex life, other (tame) kinks that don’t trigger you.
Learn more at
EugeneSexology.com
Check out Dan on Blabbermouth—The Stranger’s political podcast: thestranger.com/blabbermouth.
EDUCATE * EXPLORE * EMPOWER
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eugeneweekly.com • May 11, 2017
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