VIEWPOINT
BY K ELLY K ENOYER
Confessions of a Millennial
Hoarder
PARENTS SHOULD COMMIT TO PROVIDING TROPHIES TO THEIR KIDS
I
have exactly 1,476 trophies, and I adore every single one of them.
I have participation awards from every sports team I’ve been on since
kindergarten, eighth-place trophies for speech and debate tournaments, and
my well-loved third-place medal for a watermelon-eating competition from
third grade.
These trophies are accolades of achievement, representing who I am and all that
I’ve done in life.
Now that I’m an adult at the ripe age of 22, I’m starting to run out of room on my
many shelves for the hundreds of trophies I’ve won in my lifetime. More important,
I’ve also stopped receiving as many trophies, and I see that as a real problem in
today’s society.
The traditional “pat on the back for attending class” that I’ve earned every day
in college is nice, but it doesn’t bring quite the same pride as a well-earned trophy
for participation or “Best Attitude!”
The trophy I received instead of my diploma was lovely, but it seemed like a lot
of effort to go through four years of college for just the one measly trophy. Lord
knows, when I’m a parent I won’t cut off my own children so quickly. Kids deserve
a good start to life, and praising their basic tasks with awards just shows them the
value of their work.
When I got my first job out of college, I felt a burst of pride. But my new
employer didn’t give me a trophy for winning the job, so my joy immediately
turned into sadness and confusion. Didn’t I do well?
I turned to the internet, my favorite babysitter, for help. To my surprise, I found
out that, supposedly, most activities are not rewarded with trophies. Some even say
it’s a “Millennial thing” to desire this kind of validation!
I find this offensive. My special snowflake feelings were incredibly hurt, and I
needed something to heal them.
Don’t you dare say Millennials are not motivated: I went to the nearest trophy
shop in town and asked them to stamp my name on the biggest trophy they had. I
blew my entire first paycheck on a trophy titled “You got a job! Yay!”
I didn’t have to worry about rent since my parents are still paying it, but once I
pay my first rent check I’ll certainly get a shiny new trophy in the mail from them.
Best. Parents. Ever.
I fully believe that I and every Millennial I know would not be the shining
examples of humanity we are today if it weren’t for these trophies, and I suggest
that every new parent commit a substantial budget to buying these kinds of awards.
It’s just good parenting, and if you do it, you deserve a medal for #adulting.
I’ve bought myself many more trophies since then. Now that this viewpoint is
being published, I think I’ll order a beautiful little statue with a pen and paper that
says “Published!” I deserve it.
It may seem self-indulgent, but my walls and walls of trophies serve as a sparkling
distraction from my low wages, the looming threat of global warming and the
horrifying politics controlling my country courtesy of older generations.
I don’t need mental health, affordable healthcare or the possibility of ever
owning a house. I have my trophies.
Kelly Kenoyer is a recent University of Oregon graduate who is trying her hand at #adulting.
NEWS
A MODERN PROPOSAL
For preventing the dogs of homeless and poor people from being a burden to Eugene sidewalks and businesses
— and for making them useful
I
n an honest effort to address safety concerns and to
spruce up downtown Eugene, a city center littered
with empty buildings and unsightly student housing,
Eugene City Council voted 6 to 2 to ban dogs from
strolling along and occupying city blocks. The ban
does not apply to dogs of the gentry with downtown ad-
dresses.
As six council members struggle to overcome the burden
and hardship of complaints aired by their constituents, we
offer useful suggestions to help them sleep more soundly
at night:
• Boil the dogs. Not only will this measure steadily
decrease the surplus homeless dog population, it will
10
A pril 1, 2017 • eugeneweekly.com
satisfy the bellies of the beggars. If implementation
becomes problematic, city councilors should provide vats
in which the dogs can be stewed, cooked and distributed
to feed the community. People unwilling to comply will
naturally be ticketed and extravagantly fined by the police.
• Use dog skins for clothing. To ensure that no dog part
go unused, require the owners with no homes to upcycle
their once-loyal companion into a sweater, blanket or
makeshift shelter. Recycling is of utmost importance, and
the unemployed would be grateful for the opportunity to
complete a task.
• Create a shelter utilizing the skeletal dog remains.
Whilst the city debates about how many millions of dollars
to pour into the construction of a new City Hall our local
government has been operating without for nearly three
years, dog bones left over from stews could create small
shelters for the homeless. The spectacle of the poor sitting
in the rain is an uncomfortable sight for most citizens, so
hiding them from the public is a reasonable solution to
disposing with the dog remains and the public’s discomfort.
One cannot imagine the afflictions surrounding the
tough decision-making suffered by Eugene city councilors.
Rest assured that casting out the poor and their dogs should
improve the quality of life deserved only by a select few
in our exemplary shining, accepting and diverse city.
— By Corinne Boyer